Bewitched (1964) s04e22 Episode Script

"And then Prince Charming bent over Sleeping Beauty and kissed her.
Her eyes fluttered and opened.
There was joy and wonder in them as she beheld the prince.
'Oh, Prince Charming,' she sighed.
'I've waited so long for you.
' Soon after, their marriage was celebrated throughout the kingdom and they lived happily ever after.
" And then what? - That's all.
- No, read more.
Well, there's no more to read, sweetheart.
They got married, and that was the end.
The end of the story, I mean.
And you stop stalling, young lady.
Lie down.
Shut your eyes and go to sleep.
Shut.
Surprise.
Mother, I wish you wouldn't do that.
Not that I mind, but you know how Darrin objects.
I also know that he's gone out of town on business.
And I've come to help you celebrate.
I thought a nice weekend on the Riviera.
You, Tabatha and me.
We would also have to include Louise and Larry Tate and Darrin's cousin Helen and her boyfriend.
They're coming for dinner.
- Oh, how revolting.
- So it's been nice seeing you, Mother.
You're going to throw me out? I'd be delighted if you'd stay.
But they'll be here any minute so would you mind changing? - Of course not.
Oh, lovely.
- Thank you, darling.
- Oh, that is lovely.
Book.
And then what happened? You won't mind bartending, will you, Larry? In Darrin's absence, it's the least I can do.
Especially since you are responsible for his absence.
If I didn't know you better, Sam, I'd think you were kidding.
Larry says we've met Helen.
I don't recall her.
You met her.
She's the one that brought that baseball player to our Christmas party a few years ago.
The one with the great strikeout record.
I thought he was a catcher.
I'm talking about Helen.
Well, the truth is, she hasn't been very lucky with men, poor girl.
I think she's hoping to impress this latest candidate with the joys of married life.
Remember that.
Don't worry.
Fortunately, I've had quite a bit of acting experience.
- Samantha.
- Yes? Endora.
How are you? Could you excuse yourself a moment, Samantha? Well, Helen and her friend will be here any second.
Just the same, I think you'd better tear yourself away.
Excuse me.
Her mother visits her a lot, doesn't she? Yes, but at least she waits until her son-in-law's out of town.
- Hi, Helen.
- Hi.
- Remember me? Larry Tate? - Of course.
Samantha'll be down in a moment.
This is Ralph.
Nice to meet you, Ralph.
Come in.
And this is my wife, Louise.
- Hi.
Hello there.
Won't you sit down? - Hi.
Oh, Mother, you have to do something.
I can't have him roaming around here with a house full of company.
There's nothing I can do, Samantha.
For some reason, Tabatha can't seem to work the spell in reverse.
Tabatha, how often have I warned you about this sort of thing? Please, do not blame the dear child.
She was merely curious.
And she's so lovely, so like her mother in beauty and grace.
Personally, I think the child is remarkably advanced.
And I'm not saying that because I'm prejudiced.
You should be very proud of your niece.
Granddaughter.
No.
Impossible.
The story doesn't mention where you're from, Prince Charming.
But there must have been a lot of oil on the property.
For the time being, would you please step in here? Of course, dear lady.
That is not going to help, Samantha.
Why? That's why.
Samantha, he has no substance.
Have you forgotten? He's a product of witchcraft.
- Oh, no.
Mother, what am I going to do? - I hope you won't think me forward.
But it would give me great pleasure to join your company.
It's so dull being confined to the pages of a book.
Always the same old faces.
Yes.
Nothing against you, but Yes? Couldn't I see the baby before she goes to sleep? Just a moment.
I hope you don't mind.
Dear lady, to make you happy is the object of my existence.
Come in.
I hope you don't mind, but I haven't seen the baby since Mother, Mother, this is Darrin's cousin, Helen.
- Hi.
- Helen, this is my cousin, Charlie.
How do you do? It's a great pleasure to meet you, dear lady.
Oh, my.
I just know I'm blushing.
Do you mind if I say that the bloom of your cheek rivals the rosy dawn? Oh, no.
Go ahead and say it.
Helen, did you wanna say good night to Tabatha? Who? Oh, of course.
- Hi.
- My, how she's grown.
Helen, I really think we should go down and join the others.
I just love the English, especially English men.
Mother, haven't you any suggestions at all? - Just one.
- What's that? Set another place for dinner.
Guess who dropped by unexpectedly? My cousin, Charlie.
This is Louise Tate.
Charmed.
Samantha, where have you been hiding him? This is Larry Tate.
- A great honour, sir.
- Hi.
And you must be Ralph.
My mother.
- How do you do? - And cousin Charlie.
- A great pleasure to meet you, sir.
- Likewise.
Well, dinner won't be too long.
Please sit down.
- Larry, would you freshen this drink? - Yes.
Well Oh, dear ladies, as I cannot divide myself suppose I give you instead my undivided attention? Oh, what a marvellous sense of humour.
You're very kind, but a sense of humour is useless until it falls on a receptive ear.
I can't get over the feeling that I've seen you before.
How happy that makes me.
For is not familiarity the doorstep to friendship? - What'd he say? - You got me.
I have to do something to divert Helen's attention from the prince.
Well, I'd suggest an earthquake, but I doubt if it would work.
- I think I'll try some nice loud music.
- Yes.
Oh, good.
I was just in the mood for dancing.
I thought Larry didn't like to dance.
He doesn't.
Oh, that one's perfect.
Oh, Charlie.
You're making a fool of yourself.
- Jealous? - Of him? You could learn a couple of things from him.
What? How to smile and say nothing? It would be an improvement.
Can I get you another drink? Thanks.
Could you make that a double? Can I ask you something? Is that guy for real? Oh, what a marvellous dancer you are.
And may I say that you, dear lady, dance as if the air were your home.
- What do you mean? - He talks and he talks but he doesn't say anything.
Well, for your information, he won't be staying long.
That makes two of us.
You know, you're just too good to be true.
Oh, look, a full moon.
Let's dance out there.
She may have problems, but being shy isn't one of them.
If she isn't careful, she's gonna be shy one man.
Excuse me.
Where's Ralph? I'd better find him and talk to him.
He might be a little upset.
Too late.
And he was.
- What do you mean? - He just left.
Oh, no.
You're a regular David Niven.
- Helen.
- Yes? I think you should know, Ralph just left.
Ralph who? Well, it's wonderful to hear your voice, Darrin.
Oh, everything's just fine.
Cousin Helen? Oh, she had a wonderful time last night.
You're coming home when? Late tonight? Well, if I sound funny, it's just because I miss you.
Me too.
Bye.
- Did you hear that? - I did, and I thought it was revolting.
Mother, he is coming home tonight.
You've done nothing about getting the prince in the book.
Well, please don't get overwrought.
And above all, don't lose your sense of humour.
There's a funny side to everything.
Oh, really? Can you see the look on Darrin's face if he comes home and the prince is still here? See? There is a funny side.
Hi, Sam.
Sorry to bust in on you so early, but Oh, good morning, Endora.
But I just had to speak to you before I went to the office.
- About what? - Your cousin Charlie.
I tell you, I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
Oh, Larry.
Well, you don't think Louise was seriously interested in him? No, but she was pretty darned intrigued, wouldn't you say? Well, maybe.
But I don't think you have to worry about Louise.
Well, who's worried about her? You're not? Then what kept you up? Well, that's what I wanna talk to you about.
Can we go into the den? Excuse us.
- Helen.
- Hi.
I hope you don't mind my dropping in so early in the morning.
- But I think I left my gloves here.
- You weren't wearing gloves.
No wonder I didn't have them when I got home.
Well, as long as I'm here, do you mind if I stay to have a cup of Charlie? I mean, coffee? You don't understand these things.
Take it from me this cousin of yours is dynamite.
I won't deny he's got something.
But how can you and Darrin use it? One of our big problem clients, and Darrin's the account executive is Abigail Adams Cosmetics.
Know how many guys they turned down to do their commercials? You don't mean you're gonna recommend him to do their commercials.
No, I'm going to recommend him to work in the mailroom.
- That would be better, Larry.
- Sam, come on, get with it.
We've got hold of a guy who's dynamite with women.
Yes, it's certainly worth thinking about.
Why don't you wait and discuss it with Darrin when he gets back tomorrow? Tomorrow? Sam, I'm so sure of this, I've set up a camera audition for 11:00 this morning.
This morning? Today, this morning? The client will meet us at the studio.
With his wife, at my suggestion.
Tell Charlie to grab his coat and come on.
Now, wait a minute, Larry.
I mean, don't you think you ought to find out if Charlie's interested? I thought you said he was between jobs.
- Well - You realize what kind of income these commercials bring? Now, come on, let's stop wasting time.
- Would you like some coffee? - Thanks, but no time for that now.
- Where's Charlie? - Out on the patio with Helen.
Excuse me.
What's going on? I just love a man who loves children.
I think it's such an important quality in a husband Father Man.
There you are.
Good morning.
Charlie, may I tell you what a lucky man you are? They're going to put him in front of a camera? Yes.
That should be delicious.
I'd love to be there when it happens or rather when it doesn't happen.
- What do you mean? - But a prince can't appear on the telly.
He has no substance.
Oh, Mother, this is no time for character analysis.
Samantha, I've never known you to be so dense.
Haven't I already told you that the prince is only a projection that he is a creature of witchcraft? You put him in front of a camera, and there won't be an image.
Well, then he won't get the job and You mean the screen will be blank? Exactly.
Larry! Isn't it exciting about Charlie? Where is he? Did he go upstairs? Did Larry go with him? He went with him, but they're not upstairs.
- Where are they? - On the way to the TV studio.
- Oh, no.
Mother.
- What? Mother, will you please watch Tabatha.
I have to go after them.
Could I possibly drive down with you? I'm not driving.
I've got to fly.
Fly? I don't very often go out on a limb, but I can practically guarantee this fella will put Abigail Adams Cosmetics in the number-one spot.
- Believe me, Mr.
Blumberg.
- Well, I'm willing to be shown.
But I wish you'd brought your wife along.
She'd prove my point.
But I did bring her.
As far as I'm concerned, I think you'll be perfect for the job.
If I can merely approach your expectations it will be my special joy, dear lady.
In fact, I think you'll be more than perfect.
See what I mean? Why don't you go get your wife and let's go into the booth? I'd have waited for you if I'd known you wanted to come along.
Well, it isn't that I wanted to They haven't started yet, have they? Just about to.
What is it, Sam? You seem a little upset.
Who, me? No, no.
I'm perfectly relaxed and calm.
Larry, you have to call off this audition.
Well, why? Now, look, it's something about Charlie.
Don't ask me what it is.
But if you put him before a camera, you're gonna be very embarrassed.
And this is very confidential.
What is? What I just told you.
What did you tell me? - Okay, Al, put him in the chair.
- Right.
I want to wish you all the luck.
Since I've met you, fortune has already smiled.
If you ask me, he's some kind of nut.
You should be such a nut.
What's happening? Why isn't he in the chair? - He is.
- I mean the black leather one.
That's the one he's in.
- What do you think? - Of what? How does he look to you? Frankly, I don't know what they see in him.
Me neither.
How you doing? We're having strabismus trouble, Mr.
Tate.
I'm afraid we'll have to postpone the audition.
Mother.
Oh, there you are.
- How did it go, darling? - Fortunately, it didn't.
They thought their equipment was wrong.
What a shame.
It would have made a delightful conversation piece.
Yes, and when Darrin found out about it, he would've had a fit.
As I say, what a shame.
Have you made any progress with Tabatha? Who had a chance? Elena hasn't left me alone for a moment.
- It's Helen.
- Well, whatever her name is she certainly knows how to keep a conversation ho-humming.
Is she upstairs? Well, I'll get rid of her.
We have to get the prince back before Darrin gets home.
Please, I beg of you, don't send me back.
Sorry, Charlie, I don't have any choice.
You'll be much happier there.
No, I won't.
I like it here.
Everyone's so kind.
Especially the ladies.
I don't want to go back.
Well, for your information, you don't have any choice either.
Samantha, I hate to say you're wrong, but you're wrong.
- Pardon? - I realize what the problem's been all along.
It isn't that Tabatha's not performing the spell properly.
But it can't work if he doesn't want to go back.
Mother, I hope this isn't another one of your questionable jokes.
If I'm not telling the truth, may I never enjoy another glass of wolfbane on the rocks.
Well, what about Sleeping Beauty? - Who? - Now who's joking? No.
No, I don't think he is.
I'll be back in a minute.
Gad, you're beautiful.
If only you were a little more inhuman.
I'll go right down.
Would you mind if I call my mother in Buffalo and reverse the charges? I really ought to tell her about Charlie.
Helen, why don't you wait till later? You mean when the rates change? Well, when something changes.
Do you have any objections to a big wedding? Mother, would you and Charlie come up here for a minute? Very well.
Mind if I borrow him for just a little bit? Oh, no.
- Will you see who that is, please? - Oh, of course.
- How did you know I was here? - They told me at the hotel.
I just wanted to Anyway, I'm sorry I left last night without saying anything.
- Well, that's okay.
- No, it's not.
I shouldn't have left without saying you're one of the rudest girls I ever met.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Well, that's the way I feel.
I'm just glad I found out in time.
Look, if the only reason What do you mean, "found out in time"? You think I wanna marry somebody that runs after every pretty face she sees? Marry? Ralph, dear, don't stand out there.
You'll catch your death of cold.
It's who? Sleeping Beauty, who else? You see, Tabatha zapped him out of the middle of the book.
He didn't know about the end of the story.
See what you get if you go back? Well, go ahead.
You still wanna stay here? As you people say, "Are you kidding?" In that case.
All right, sweetheart.
Very good.
And they lived happily ever after.
Right.
Now it's my turn.
Now, remember, Tabatha, under no circumstances whatsoever are you to do that again.
Do you understand? - Do you understand? - Yes, Mommy.
Well, it could've been worse.
Suppose you'd been reading her one of the Babar books? Well, at least Helen wouldn't have flipped over an elephant.
Which reminds me.
How am I gonna tell her about Charlie? My suggestion is straight shock treatment.
- Behave yourself.
- Yes, Mommy.
Helen.
- Helen? - Yes.
Charlie is gone, Helen, and he's not coming back.
Charlie who? I've got something to tell you too.
Guess who's getting married? Us.
Would you say she's rather fickle? Maybe so.
But I'm sure she'll never forget cousin what's-his-name.