Cow and Chicken (1997) s04e22 Episode Script
Red Butler
1
Coming!
Keep your pants on!
- Yes?
- Yes?
Hello! It's me!
I mean, Madame and Monsieur,
'tis moi, Hiney, the Butler!
At your servicio!
You mean, you're a butler?
Clearly.
We don't have no butler.
Why don't you be our butler?
Why, thank you!
Good morning, children.
Shall we go to schoo-el?
All right, you little rocket scientists!
Who can solve the problem on the board?
Come on! Two X two!
Anyone? How about you, Chicken?
Four.
Huh? Uh, uh, one word.
Uh, uh, starts with, uh "F"?
Huh? Uh, uh
Four, ma'am.
Well, slap me sideways!
That's right, Chicken!
Hey, you're not half as stupid as you look!
Hey, this "butler thing" ain't so bad.
Oh, Teacher?
May I please go to the little Cow's room?
No, no, no, no, no!
That is why I am here.
You're all done, Mr. Cow!
Who would like to help me clean erasers?
Beat it!
Yay!
Nice kick, Hiney.
Just doing my job!
Cow wins!
Dinner is ser-ved!
Oh, goodie! What are we having?
Pork butts and cheese!
With your per-miss-ee-own,
I will now cut the meat!
Divert your eyes, ladies.
This won't be pretty.
Are you really a butler?
Yes. Why do you ask?
Oh, no! No! Do not blink by yourselves!
Let me help you!
Blink.
Blink!
Storytime, children!
Look, Hiney.
I do not know how to break this to yous,
but kids today don't exactly
go for this storytime stuff.
Oh, well, I have taken this into account
and have found
an agreeable compromise.
He refuted those allegations,
and subsequently fled the state
with his therapist in
All right! Beat it, Walter!
I'm going to tell you a mystery.
We join Mr. Wretched
on his journey through the Middle East.
Good morning, Mr. Wretched!
What's so good about it, Mr. McGirl?
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat!
He is visited by his butler,
Hives, that evening.
Who the heck is it?
Why, it's me, Sir. Hives!
With your teeth!
It's open!
Is there anything else you would like, Sir?
Put it down and beat it!
That night, Hives is startled by a scream.
Sacre-bleu!
Why? Why?
Who perpetrated this heinous crime?
Was it his assistant, Mr. McGirl?
The young lovers? His butler, Hives?
Uh
Okay! Who done it?
Mr. McGirl?
No.
It was Hives, the butler who done it!
Yeah, but why?
I thought that Hives was such a nice man.
Who am I working for?
A bunch of simpletons?
Hives did it
because the butler always "done it"!
Oh, I have had it up to here with you two
dullards!
What is a "dullard"?
What?
Hiney looks silly.
What's so darn funny?
That does it!
Bedtime!
Boy, this is sure great having a butler!
You know what?
I would never put myself through this
if you weren't so disgustingly rich.
Oh, that's pretty funny!
Yeah. We ain't rich!
You're not?
No!
Mom? Dad?
Mom, Dad?
All right, come clean!
I heard the whole thing
whilst eavesdropping
right outside that window!
You said, "It is hard raising livestock."
And you said,
"Well, at least we're wealthy!"
Oh, no, no, no, no! You misunderstood!
We said "healthy. " Not "wealthy."
Healthy?
What kind of a scam
can I pull if you guys are
"healthy"?
Well, you shouldn't pull a scam at all!
It's wrong.
And what's more, it's illegal.
Really?
Oh, yes.
Really.
Well, well, well, well, well!
Then I guess I'd just better be moving on.
See ya.
Door-to-door Butler. May I be of service?
I've just got to be me!
In the end.
Ninety-nine, one-hundred.
You know, a lot of people ask me,
"Cow? How do you keep your muzzle
so soft and supple?"
Well, first I slather mayonnaise
all over myself every night
so I will be soft and kind of pinkish.
And it makes my pinhairs stand out.
And pickle slices
are a must for my beauty sleep.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
I.R. running!
Dragon! Dragon!
Baboon?
Baboon?
Please closing fishy lips.
I.R. hiding from dragon.
Heavens, that's not a real dragon!
This is the United States.
Real dragons only live
in Sumatra and Brunei.
You mean we not in China?
Certainly not. This is Chinatown.
Chinatown is like China, only punier.
Come on, old man.
I'll take you to a little fast food restaurant
where we can get the best
lard encrusted poultry cubes in town.
Excuse me, Dumpling.
Isn't that furry guy I.M. Weasel?
It's I.M. Weasel!
Weasel!
It's him!
It's America's favorite small mammal!
It's Weasel!
Hey, Weasel!
We love you!
I loves you, Weasel!
I love your show!
Sign my autograph for me!
Can I have an autograph?
Oh, you smell good!
You should be President!
Sign this to my Mommy!
Sign my back!
Sign my face! My kids love your show!
I.R. wishing someone
would asking I.R. for autograph.
Confucius say,
"Wishing is like poking
your friend in his eye."
It's a lot easier
if you have a good luck charm.
Confusion saying what?
Here. You buy this.
This is a lucky
plastic monkey paw key chain.
It'll magically grant your wishes,
as well as hold your keys.
Twenty dollars, please.
There you go, Sir. Have a nice day.
What ya doing, chum?
I.R. going to buy magic monkey paw.
Oh, you don't want that old thing.
Besides, you've already
got two grubby monkey paws
at the ends of your own wrists!
I can wishing on own paws?
Preposterous.
I.R. wishing for autograph to sign!
Baboon! Sign my cast! Sign my cast!
Thank you!
I.R. wishing coming true!
Coincidence.
I.R. wishing for
a gazillion dollars!
Now you really would be sorry
if that wish came true.
A gazillion dollars
is enough money to bury the planet.
Good grandma!
I.R. rich! I.R. filthy rich!
I.R. big spender!
A real million dollar bill!
You really do have magic paws!
You must take back that last wish!
You just jealous.
I.R. wishing to be taller
and handsome more.
No! Now I.R. too handsome!
I.R. wishing I.R. back to normal self.
Only with smaller butt.
Now I.R. hungry.
But I.R. all out of wishes.
You have another hand, you ninny.
Now, wish for something useful,
like world peace.
Or a cure for stupidity.
No! I.R. wishing for coyote
and cheese sandwich.
You wished for what?
Oh, it not cooked.
What I.R. wishing for most of all?
I.R. knowing!
I.R. wishing to be king of world!
No!
I.R. King!
Please, I.R.! Stop wishing!
You'll destroy everything!
Shutting pie hole, peasant.
I wish you'd shut up!
Look what you've done.
I wish I'd never picked you
for my sidekick.
Well, I.R., old sidekick.
I wonder what crazy adventures
we'll have tonight?
Yep. It's just you and me, paper sack.
Oh, man. I wish this cartoon were over.
Coming!
Keep your pants on!
- Yes?
- Yes?
Hello! It's me!
I mean, Madame and Monsieur,
'tis moi, Hiney, the Butler!
At your servicio!
You mean, you're a butler?
Clearly.
We don't have no butler.
Why don't you be our butler?
Why, thank you!
Good morning, children.
Shall we go to schoo-el?
All right, you little rocket scientists!
Who can solve the problem on the board?
Come on! Two X two!
Anyone? How about you, Chicken?
Four.
Huh? Uh, uh, one word.
Uh, uh, starts with, uh "F"?
Huh? Uh, uh
Four, ma'am.
Well, slap me sideways!
That's right, Chicken!
Hey, you're not half as stupid as you look!
Hey, this "butler thing" ain't so bad.
Oh, Teacher?
May I please go to the little Cow's room?
No, no, no, no, no!
That is why I am here.
You're all done, Mr. Cow!
Who would like to help me clean erasers?
Beat it!
Yay!
Nice kick, Hiney.
Just doing my job!
Cow wins!
Dinner is ser-ved!
Oh, goodie! What are we having?
Pork butts and cheese!
With your per-miss-ee-own,
I will now cut the meat!
Divert your eyes, ladies.
This won't be pretty.
Are you really a butler?
Yes. Why do you ask?
Oh, no! No! Do not blink by yourselves!
Let me help you!
Blink.
Blink!
Storytime, children!
Look, Hiney.
I do not know how to break this to yous,
but kids today don't exactly
go for this storytime stuff.
Oh, well, I have taken this into account
and have found
an agreeable compromise.
He refuted those allegations,
and subsequently fled the state
with his therapist in
All right! Beat it, Walter!
I'm going to tell you a mystery.
We join Mr. Wretched
on his journey through the Middle East.
Good morning, Mr. Wretched!
What's so good about it, Mr. McGirl?
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat!
He is visited by his butler,
Hives, that evening.
Who the heck is it?
Why, it's me, Sir. Hives!
With your teeth!
It's open!
Is there anything else you would like, Sir?
Put it down and beat it!
That night, Hives is startled by a scream.
Sacre-bleu!
Why? Why?
Who perpetrated this heinous crime?
Was it his assistant, Mr. McGirl?
The young lovers? His butler, Hives?
Uh
Okay! Who done it?
Mr. McGirl?
No.
It was Hives, the butler who done it!
Yeah, but why?
I thought that Hives was such a nice man.
Who am I working for?
A bunch of simpletons?
Hives did it
because the butler always "done it"!
Oh, I have had it up to here with you two
dullards!
What is a "dullard"?
What?
Hiney looks silly.
What's so darn funny?
That does it!
Bedtime!
Boy, this is sure great having a butler!
You know what?
I would never put myself through this
if you weren't so disgustingly rich.
Oh, that's pretty funny!
Yeah. We ain't rich!
You're not?
No!
Mom? Dad?
Mom, Dad?
All right, come clean!
I heard the whole thing
whilst eavesdropping
right outside that window!
You said, "It is hard raising livestock."
And you said,
"Well, at least we're wealthy!"
Oh, no, no, no, no! You misunderstood!
We said "healthy. " Not "wealthy."
Healthy?
What kind of a scam
can I pull if you guys are
"healthy"?
Well, you shouldn't pull a scam at all!
It's wrong.
And what's more, it's illegal.
Really?
Oh, yes.
Really.
Well, well, well, well, well!
Then I guess I'd just better be moving on.
See ya.
Door-to-door Butler. May I be of service?
I've just got to be me!
In the end.
Ninety-nine, one-hundred.
You know, a lot of people ask me,
"Cow? How do you keep your muzzle
so soft and supple?"
Well, first I slather mayonnaise
all over myself every night
so I will be soft and kind of pinkish.
And it makes my pinhairs stand out.
And pickle slices
are a must for my beauty sleep.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
I.R. running!
Dragon! Dragon!
Baboon?
Baboon?
Please closing fishy lips.
I.R. hiding from dragon.
Heavens, that's not a real dragon!
This is the United States.
Real dragons only live
in Sumatra and Brunei.
You mean we not in China?
Certainly not. This is Chinatown.
Chinatown is like China, only punier.
Come on, old man.
I'll take you to a little fast food restaurant
where we can get the best
lard encrusted poultry cubes in town.
Excuse me, Dumpling.
Isn't that furry guy I.M. Weasel?
It's I.M. Weasel!
Weasel!
It's him!
It's America's favorite small mammal!
It's Weasel!
Hey, Weasel!
We love you!
I loves you, Weasel!
I love your show!
Sign my autograph for me!
Can I have an autograph?
Oh, you smell good!
You should be President!
Sign this to my Mommy!
Sign my back!
Sign my face! My kids love your show!
I.R. wishing someone
would asking I.R. for autograph.
Confucius say,
"Wishing is like poking
your friend in his eye."
It's a lot easier
if you have a good luck charm.
Confusion saying what?
Here. You buy this.
This is a lucky
plastic monkey paw key chain.
It'll magically grant your wishes,
as well as hold your keys.
Twenty dollars, please.
There you go, Sir. Have a nice day.
What ya doing, chum?
I.R. going to buy magic monkey paw.
Oh, you don't want that old thing.
Besides, you've already
got two grubby monkey paws
at the ends of your own wrists!
I can wishing on own paws?
Preposterous.
I.R. wishing for autograph to sign!
Baboon! Sign my cast! Sign my cast!
Thank you!
I.R. wishing coming true!
Coincidence.
I.R. wishing for
a gazillion dollars!
Now you really would be sorry
if that wish came true.
A gazillion dollars
is enough money to bury the planet.
Good grandma!
I.R. rich! I.R. filthy rich!
I.R. big spender!
A real million dollar bill!
You really do have magic paws!
You must take back that last wish!
You just jealous.
I.R. wishing to be taller
and handsome more.
No! Now I.R. too handsome!
I.R. wishing I.R. back to normal self.
Only with smaller butt.
Now I.R. hungry.
But I.R. all out of wishes.
You have another hand, you ninny.
Now, wish for something useful,
like world peace.
Or a cure for stupidity.
No! I.R. wishing for coyote
and cheese sandwich.
You wished for what?
Oh, it not cooked.
What I.R. wishing for most of all?
I.R. knowing!
I.R. wishing to be king of world!
No!
I.R. King!
Please, I.R.! Stop wishing!
You'll destroy everything!
Shutting pie hole, peasant.
I wish you'd shut up!
Look what you've done.
I wish I'd never picked you
for my sidekick.
Well, I.R., old sidekick.
I wonder what crazy adventures
we'll have tonight?
Yep. It's just you and me, paper sack.
Oh, man. I wish this cartoon were over.