I Love Lucy (1951) s04e22 Episode Script

("I love Lucy" theme song playing) Poor little guy.
He was asleep before I got his pajamas on.
That was some walk you took him on.
I took him on? He took me on.
(laughing) Aw, I never was so tired in my life.
What's that you're reading, Mother-- Variety? Bought it in the lobby.
It's very interesting.
Oh, come now, I bet you don't understand a word it says.
Well, there's one item I do understand in here.
Oh? I didn't think Mickey had made his picture yet.
He hasn't, and his name isn't Mickey.
Well, whatever his name is, they got it wrong in here.
They say that the picture's all finished and it's been put in storage.
What? Where does it say that? Says right here.
"Metro shelves Don Juan.
" Oh, no! You mean he didn't even tell you he made the picture? Oh, no, Mother, you don't understand.
They haven't made the picture and "shelved" means they're not going to.
Lucy Luc I saw it.
How's Ricky taking it? He hasn't seen it yet.
He's still in the shower.
Oh, what do you suppose happened? Oh, gosh, this is awful.
He hasn't even started yet and already he's a has-been.
He isn't even a has-been, he's a never-was.
California, here we go.
We might as well start packing.
I just got out here.
Now I have to go back home without seeing anything.
Oh, I haven't even seen Palm Springs.
I can beat that.
Well, will you listen to us.
What do you mean? Here we are complaining, thinking only about ourselves, and Ricky's whole career is ruined.
Oh, she's right.
Lucy, I'm so ashamed.
I was only thinking of myself.
I was only thinking of myself.
And I was only thinking of Lana Turner.
Oh, Fred! Lucy, how are we gonna break this to him? We just won't tell him.
Give me that.
ETHEL: What are you gonna do? Oh, Lucy! That won't do any good; he'll see it anyway.
Oh, even if he doesn't, the studio will tell him the picture's been shelved.
Well, we have to cushion the blow somehow.
RICKY: Lucy? Yes, dear? Uh, uh, yes, dear? Where's my blue tie? Oh, it's uh it's o Yeah, yeah, never mind, I got it, I found it.
Now, listen, when he comes out here, act like nothing happened.
Just be natural and leave everything to me.
What are you gonna do? Well, I'll, I'll, I'll probably bring the conversation around to how homesick we all are and how we don't care much about Hollywood anyway, you know.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Whatever you do, don't let the cat out of the bag.
Oh, don't worry.
As far as he's concerned, we never even saw that item in Variety.
And for heaven's sake, smile.
Look happy or he'll know that something's wrong.
Oh, hi, everybody.
Hello, dear.
Hi, Ricky.
How are you? Hi, Rick, old boy.
How's tricks? How's tricks? Hello, son.
My, you're certainly all happy this morning.
Sure.
Well, there's nothing to be sad about.
No.
We didn't even see that item in Variety.
What item? Oh, it's nothing, dear.
It was just a mention.
It didn't say a thing about the picture being shelved.
Oh! That cat wasn't let out of the bag.
It was yanked out.
What are you talking about? Oh, honey, it was just a little item in Variety about your picture being shelved, but it doesn't matter.
Who wants to be in pictures anyway? Feh! Is that what you're worried about? Just one little item in the paper? Uh-huh.
Well, honey, that's just publicity.
Sure, you know, they want the people to keep talking about the picture.
They'll do anything out here to keep a picture alive.
Even kill it? (chuckling) Sure.
Look, if we weren't gonna make the picture, don't you think I'd be the first one to know? Well, yeah, I suppose so.
Of course, honey.
This afternoon I'm going to the studio to make some tests with the leading lady.
Oh? Now, they wouldn't be making tests if they were gonna cancel the picture.
No, I guess not.
Of course not.
Oh, boy, am I relieved! Oh, thank goodness, my trip isn't ruined.
And I'll get to see Palm Springs after all.
LUCY: Yeah.
Dry those tears, Lana.
(phone ringing) You should have asked me, then you wouldn't have been worried.
Oh, boy.
Hello? Yes, this is Ricky Ricardo.
What? They are? Do you know why? You don't? I see.
Yes, I'll be here.
Thank you for calling.
What's the matter, dear? Who was that? The studio.
They're canceling the test this afternoon.
Well but why? They didn't say why.
Oh, well, honey, that doesn't mean anything.
Of course not.
It's just publicity.
Sure.
Yeah.
They also said that Dore Schary wants to see me here tomorrow afternoon.
I've heard that name before.
Now, who's Dore Schary? Well, that's good, isn't it, honey? His wanting to see you here? No, that's bad.
Who's Dore Schary? Oh, he's he's someone at Metro, dear.
Well, what does he do at Metro? Oh, he's a big shot.
Well, just what does he do? Oh, he's the guy that twists the lion's tail when they want him to (roaring) Oh, Fred! Well, honey honey, why is it bad? I don't understand.
Well, don't you see, honey? When a big man like Mr.
Schary's gonna come all the way out here, it must be just to make it nice while he's firing me.
Oh, dear.
I guess he's right.
Well, honey, don't you care.
At least we got a trip to California out of it.
Short as it was.
Oh, Mother, please.
Oh, I can't stand it anymore.
I got to walk to the studio, find out what it's all about.
Oh, well, you're right, dear.
You demand to know.
You're hardworking all of a sudden they cancel.
Yeah, I know, honey.
I don't understand.
Well, you have a right to know, dear.
Oh, I could cry.
He looked so disappointed.
Poor Mickey.
Aw, poor Ricky.
If he just made one picture, I know that the women of America would have gone absolutely mad about his big, brown eyes.
Yeah.
That fan mail would have flooded the studio.
Well, there's no use dreaming.
That's it! Fan mail.
Fan mail? Yeah.
What do you think if all that flood of fan mail reached the studio by tomorrow morning? I'll bet Dore Schary would think twice about letting him go if the people of America were just demanding to see more of Ricky Ricardo.
More of him? He hasn't even been on the screen yet.
Who's gonna write him a fan letter? You got it.
Lucy? Listen, everybody, the next hundred letters we write ask for Ricky's picture, and don't forget to change your handwriting.
Yeah, Fred, be sure and change your handwriting or they'll think they're all from the same person.
I did change my handwriting.
Look I wrote the last hundred with my left.
Your left what? Foot? They'll think a chicken wants his autograph.
Oh, come on, cut the gab.
You're holding up the production line.
Well, I'm going as fast as I can, but my hand's getting a cramp.
Mine, too.
Oh, for heaven's sake, we've only written 500 letters.
Your hands can't be that cramped.
Tell that to my hand.
Oh, Ethel, you sure are a sissy.
Well, haven't you got writer's cramp? No.
Let me see your hand.
Put down your pen.
Now wiggle your fingers.
Having a little trouble? Well, after all we have written 500 letters.
How about a little breather? Okay.
Say, (sighing) why don't I take all these downstairs and mail them.
Oh, that's a good idea, Mother.
Oh, Lucy, my whole shoulder's sore.
Me, too.
I feel like I just pitched three games in the World Series.
Well, now, remember, we're doing this for Ricky's sake.
You think 500 letters will do any good? No, but 5,000 will.
Oh, Lucy, I don't think I can make it.
Now, don't forget, Ethel, if Ricky doesn't get into the movies, you don't get to stay in California.
What's the good of staying in California, if I have to go around with my arm in a sling? (phone ringing) Hello.
He is? Did he see you, Mother? Okay, thanks.
Ricky's on his way up from the lobby.
Get rid of all the stuff.
Oh, hide everything, Fred.
Hide everything now.
Ethel, hand me that ink well.
Hurry up.
(screaming): Oh! Fred, I'm sorry! What's the matter? Look, I slammed the drawer on your hand.
Oh, how do you like that? It's so numb, I didn't even feel it.
Oh, Fred I'm sorry.
Oh You all right? Gee, I'm sorry, Fred.
Take a magazine.
Just sit back and read it.
LUCY: Oh, hi, dear.
FRED AND ETHEL: Hi, Rick.
Bueno, parece que ya se acabo todo.
Oh, really? How were things at the studio, Rick? Did they shelve the picture? Yeah, they sure did.
Oh They can't do that to you.
Well, they just did it.
There's no doubt about it.
Metro just gave me the door in the fence.
What's that? Well, you ought to know, it's an American 'spression.
Are you sure that's an American 'spression? Yeah.
They gave me the door in the fence.
Oh, they gave you the gate! That's what I said.
I'm washed up.
Finished.
Did you see Mr.
Schary today? No, but they're shoveling the picture.
What if they do shovel it? Maybe they'll put you in another one.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe they're gonna use me in one of the Marx Brothers' pictures, you know, Chico, Harpo, Groucho, and Floppo.
Aw, honey, now, don't you worry.
I have a feeling that the public will make itself heard.
What public? Yeah, well Maybe I could borrow a couple hundred bobby-soxers from Sinatra.
(mouthing words) (mouthing words) (no audio) This is Ricky Ricardo.
Are you sure you haven't got any calls for me from Mr.
Dore Schary? Oh, I can't understand it.
He was supposed to be in here half an hour ago.
All right, thank you.
(phone ringing) Hello? What? Who's on his way up? The Ricky Ricardo Fan Club? All right.
(knock on door) Come in.
There he is! That's Ricky Ricardo! (clamoring) Let me have your autograph, please.
Come on, Rick! Got it! Yeah, that's great.
Where's Dore Schary? Now, what do you think you're doing? Where's Dore Schary? He's not here yet.
All right, back in the hall.
Make another entrance.
Now, just a minute, just a minute.
Hold it, everybody.
Nobody's gonna make another entrance anywhere.
Well, don't you want us to help you? No! Good.
I was gonna feel pretty silly telling him I slept with your picture under my pillow! (mirthless chuckle) No.
Well, we only wanted to help you.
Well, then get out of here.
Oh, that's gratitude for you.
Yeah.
Give me Texas 0-3311, please.
(soft chuckle) Mr.
Schary's office.
(phone ringing) Mr.
Schary's office.
Now, Miss Ballantine, this is Ricky Ricardo calling.
Oh, yes.
Look, have I got my dates mixed up or something? Am I not supposed to have an appointment with Mr.
Schary today? Why, yes.
Isn't he there yet? No.
Oh, he's probably still tied up at the Producer's Association meeting at the hotel.
That's why he was gonna meet you there.
Oh.
And he said he'd be back here by He has a very important appointment with Mr.
Stevens.
Well, that's 25 minutes from now.
Well, in that case, perhaps you'd better come out to the studio.
Then you'll be sure to see him.
Okay, I'll, I'll be right there.
Good-bye.
You can have your fan club meeting here.
I'm going to the studio.
(giggling): Where Oh, no! Where is Mickey Ricardo? Oh, brother! Hello.
This is Dore Schary.
May I have my office, please? Mr.
Schary's office.
Miss Ballantine, I won't be back at the studio this afternoon.
But what about your appointment with Mr.
Stevens? Oh, Mr.
Stevens' is at the lunch and then we're having our meeting here and then I'm going to drop in on Ricky Ricardo.
But Mr.
Ricardo's on his way to the studio.
Well, uh, will you call him back, please, and see if he's left yet? Yes, sir.
Let me know.
I'm down by the pool.
All right.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
(playing chords) (playing chords) I still say we should go right out there and bust into Dore Schary's office.
They wouldn't even let us through the gate.
Oh (phone ringing) Hello? This is Mr.
Schary's secretary.
Has Mr.
Ricardo left yet? Oh, yes, he has.
Oh, dear.
Do you suppose you could possibly catch him? Mr.
Schary still wants to meet him at the hotel.
Oh, yes, I can catch him.
I'll call the garage.
What's up? Dore Schary's coming here after all.
I have to catch Ricky.
Oh, no, I don't.
Oh, Lucy, hurry up.
He'll be gone in a minute.
Yeah.
What now, blue eyes? You know, maybe it's better if Ricky doesn't talk to Dore Schary right now.
In his frame of mind, he'd probably say the wrong thing anyway.
So? So, we can approach it from an entirely different angle.
ETHEL: How? Suppose when Mr.
Schary arrives, there's another big producer here just dying to get Ricky under contract.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, where do we find somebody that looks like a big, important producer? Oh, that's a tough one.
Somebody who looks like a real important producer.
(sputtering) Well, don't just stand there, Fred.
Try to think of somebody.
Well! Hey, the lobby's always full of actors and there're always a lot of them around the pool.
Suppose we find one and pay him to do the job? Great! Now wait a minute.
I doubt if they'd take you seriously in that getup.
Oh, that's right.
Change and meet me back here right away.
All right.
Well, this meeting has been very helpful, Dore.
I'll get back to you in a day or two.
Thank you, Jim.
Good talking to you.
Can I drop you at the studio? No, thanks.
I have another engagement here.
Fine.
I'll see you.
Bye.
Would you ring the Ricky Ricardo suite for me, please? Oh, honestly, you'd think there'd be one actor in that lobby up there today, wouldn't you? There's always about two dozen hanging around.
Boy, it's pretty discouraging.
Well, there's none down here either.
(sighing) (whispering): Lucy? What? What about him? Nah.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Would you ring that again, please.
BOBBY: Hi, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Hi, Bobby.
Oh, hi, Bobby.
Hey, Bobby, maybe you can help us.
Sure.
What can I do for you? Well, listen, Ricky's picture was shelved.
Yeah, I know.
I saw it in Variety.
Yeah, well, Mr.
Dore Schary is coming up to our apartment in a few minutes to have a little talk with Ricky.
Can I bring you up some ice water? I've never even seen Dore Schary.
No, I'm afraid not, Bobby.
There's gonna be too much going on.
Now, look, I have a plan.
I thought if we had another big producer there that was just dying to put Ricky under contract, then Mr.
Schary wouldn't fire Ricky, see? BOBBY: You know, you're right.
These big producers always want you when somebody else wants you.
Mm.
What a bunch of eggheads.
LUCY: Yeah.
You can say that again.
Yeah.
Well, you know where we can find an actor real quick that could play the producer? We'll pay $10.
Producer, huh? Uh-huh.
(clears throat) (pseudo British accent): Now, see here, Dore, I simply must have Ricardo for my next picture.
Oh, no, Bobby, I'm afraid you're not the type.
I got shoes that make me four inches higher.
Four inches higher? How do you look? I look all right, but my ears pop.
Oh, Bobby.
LUCY: Thanks, anyway.
Be sure and tell me if you see any producer-type actors around, huh? BOBBY: Yes, ma'am.
Gee, we gotta find somebody and soon.
Come on.
Uh, pardon me.
I couldn't help overhearing.
Are you looking for an actor? Well, yes, I am.
Well, I'm an actor.
Well, I'm afraid you won't do.
You see, we're looking for someone who looks like a producer.
I've, uh I've been told that I look like a producer.
You? (dismissive chuckle) The bellboy looks more like a producer than you do.
Now, Lucy, there's not much time and he is willing.
Oh, I'm willing.
Besides, I could use the ten bucks.
Well, you're not exactly the type we're looking for.
Um, would you do it for $7.
50? All right, it's a deal.
Okay, come on.
I don't usually work this cheap, but things are tough, what with television and all.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Ethel? Oh, Lucy? Lucy.
Well, Fred, we found one down by the pool.
Is that the best you could do? Well, we didn't have much choice.
It was either him or the bellboy.
He doesn't look like a producer.
He's dressed all wrong.
What's the matter with my clothes? Well, you just don't look like a producer.
You look like a banker or a businessman or something.
Yeah, a real square.
FRED: Yeah.
Hey, maybe I got something in my closet that'll sharpen him up a little.
Hey, Fred, go get your sport coat.
Right.
Uh, now, listen, uh uh, what's your name? Uh, Spelvin.
George Spelvin.
Oh, well, listen, George.
Here's the situation.
Now, my husband Ricky Ricardo is under contract to MGM.
Was.
Now, Ethel, we don't know.
And Dore Schary is a big shot at MGM.
Yes, I've heard of him.
Yeah.
Well, he's due here in a few minutes and we think he's going to fire Ricky.
Now, we want you to pretend that you're a big producer from another studio and offer Ricky a contract.
Well, do you think, uh, do you think Schary will go for a gag like that? Well, why shouldn't he? Well, I hear he's pretty bright.
Bright? If he's letting Ricky go, he's pretty stupid.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, uh, wouldn't he know all the other big producers in town? (gasps) Gee, that's right.
Well, now, maybe he'd better be a producer from back East or from Europe.
A foreign producer.
Can you do an accent? Not for $7.
50.
Well, let me hear your accent.
I might go to ten dollars.
(with Swedish accent): I just come here from Sweden.
I want to talk to Ricky Ricardo about making a picture for me in Sweden.
Back to $7.
50.
Well, I thought that was pretty good.
Here's just the thing you need.
Okay.
Take off your coat, George.
Oh, this is great.
Okay.
Put this on now.
FRED: Now.
There.
Now he looks like a producer.
FRED: Yeah.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Now now, try to look important.
Stand up straight.
Hold in your stomach.
I think he's the type that should be sitting down.
Sit down.
Now, get comfortable.
Cross your legs.
Now, try to say something in a real cultured tone of voice.
Say, um (with deep voice): Now, look here, Dore.
I want that very talented Ricky Ricardo in a big musical I'm making.
Now, look here, Dore.
Ah, way down here.
Way down here.
Now, look here, Dore.
Now, look here, Dore.
I want that talented Ricky Ricardo for a musical A big musical.
A big musical I'm making.
And money is no object.
And m and m and I just can't bring myself to say that.
Listen, do you want the job or not? Well Then say money is no object.
And money is no object.
What's the matter? It leaves a bad taste in your mouth, doesn't it? Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, dear Oh! Hi, dear.
Uh wel Hi, honey.
RICKY: I'm sorry I'm late.
I went to the studio.
Well, uh, do you two people know each other? Of course we know each other.
Who do you think I had an appointment with? Dore Schary.
Well? Well? Who who who who Who who who.
What's the matter? You sound like an owl.
Who who is he? Mr.
Dore Schary.
Uh, so long, Ricky.
Nice being married to you.
Wait a minute.
What's the matter with you? Well, nothing yet.
You have a very attractive wife, Ricky.
We've just been sitting here chatting.
We have? Oh, yeah, yeah.
We have.
Oh, yeah.
Mr.
Schary's quite a chatterer.
Yeah.
Yeah, and-and he's so bright and intelligent and charming.
Thank you, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Ricky, I came over here to tell you about that item in the paper.
Oh, yes.
It's true we are shelving Don Juan.
Too many production problems.
(muttering): Oh But we're going to pick up your option and we're going to put you in another picture just as soon as we can find the right one.
(cheering) Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Well, thank you.
Thank you for having so much confidence in me.
We have, Ricky.
I just wanted to tell you in person.
Thank you very much.
And good-bye.
Good-bye.
Mrs.
Ricardo SCHARY: Mrs.
Mertz.
Good-bye, Mr.
Schary.
Bye.
It's been delightful.
Oh.
I can't remember when I had a more charming afternoon.
Well, thank you, Mr.
Schary.
Thanks for coming now, Mr.
Schary.
Good-bye, sir.
Thanks a lot.
Oh Isn't that wonderful? How about that? Isn't that great? Hey, I owe you an apology.
What about? About your-your taste in clothes.
Mr.
Schary's wearing a sport coat just like yours.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, Ricky, I'm so happy for you.
Say, I'll bet that fan mail had a lot to do with it.
What fan mail? Oh, wait till you find out what we did for you, boy.
Yeah, what? (knock at door) Yeah, well Hi, Bobby.
Hi.
Say, Mrs.
Ricardo, you know anything about these letters? Somebody left them down on top of the mailbox without any stamps.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.