Mad About You s04e22 Episode Script

How many calories do you burn having sex? Maybe 400.
O.
K.
, so, that is pretty much As if we had had sex last night.
Because i'm a very caring lover, A little something for you.
So, what are you doing today? I am going to shower And take it from there.
What about the interview? What interview? You're meeting with channel 57.
That didn't feel right.
Didn't feel right? Nah.
57.
It's just too high a channel.
Honey, you've been out of work No.
No.
No.
Between jobs.
You've been between jobs For almost six weeks.
Do you think maybe something's Going to feel right soon? I would love to feel right.
There aren't that many jobs out there.
There are plenty.
Not at my level.
What level? It's not a low level.
The thing you have to realize is, My whole universe is different now.
I've won a silver sprocket award.
I have to be selective about where i go next.
Don't forget unemployment, 3:00.
Yeah.
But, you know, This is the best unemployment office they have, With the good pens and everything.
Hi.
Is jonathan there? Who's jonathan? The caterer.
It's jamie buchman.
Thank you.
Your sister's marrying a guy worth $400 million, And you do all the planning.
I want to do the planning.
I want to confirm the date.
It's on the 12th.
O.
K.
, thanks a lot.
Bye-Bye.
Which 12th? The 12th.
This 12th.
The 12th.
It can't be on the 12th.
Why? The 12th is my parents' anniversary party.
You never said it was on the 12th.
It's on their anniversary.
Their anniversary's on the 12th.
It has been for years.
Well, we're going to have to change that.
While we're at it, i'll move my birthday to june.
We have to change the party.
Change lisa's.
I just booked a museum.
I booked the 2nd avenue deli.
Oh, well, then.
I booked the back, the abe vigoda room.
You got to book that months in advance.
We'll have to get another deli.
There's no other deli.
That's where my father proposed.
Your father proposed at the 2nd avenue deli? Over a plate of garlic pickles.
Wow.
He stopped during the proposal.
"Sylvia, would you [burps.]
marry me?" He was a very romantic man, my father.
We have to figure this out.
What do you want me to do? Fix it.
What are you doing? I'm going to work.
I'll see what i can do.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I thought you were signing up for unemployment.
What, does everybody have to know? I got to talk to you.
So, talk.
I'm listening.
It's about a girl.
What do you mean, a girl for me? No.
Hey, start talking, paulie.
Last friday, i went to the sprockets.
I won the award.
I was there by myself 'Cause jamie's up in albany.
So, there was this woman at the bar And we start talking.
And she's, like, beautiful.
She's just really sweet.
She's into film, Andand she's intelligent, and, uh And what? What happened? And we took a walk.
You and this woman? Yeah.
What's the matter with you? I don't know what's going on.
I really wanted to go with her.
Jamie and i, we're not doing so great.
You're not? No.
Really? How come? 'Cause i don't know.
Oh, man, paulie, i'm sorry.
What is it? Is it the pregnancy thing? Well, yeah.
Maybe the fact that you're unemployed.
That's not helping.
Maybe you haven't spent much time together, huh? Why do you ask me? Yes.
It's all these things.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
You had the greatest marriage Of anybody i ever met.
Well, thank you.
But i don't know what to tell her.
Tell her? About what? This woman.
Why would you tell her? What is wrong with you? If i don't, it'll get worse.
Paulie, my professional advice is, You do not tell her.
Dopey, let's get you signed up.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Fancy meeting you here.
What a coincidence.
Small world, isn't it? Oh, let's just go in there.
Don't say there's no such thing as egyptian food.
Are there egyptians? And how do they nourish themselves? That's right.
Call me back.
Hey.
Hey, where have you been? It's 8:55.
Oh, sorry.
What's the matter with you? To tell you the truth Wait till you hear this.
What? Guess.
I'm not in the mood Just guess.
I'll give you a hint.
Um, you and mark are getting back together.
Who told? It's your face.
It's either that or shoes.
Isn't it exciting? I am so happy.
It's like 1983 all over again.
You remember how we were in 1983? I only met you in '87.
Oh, you missed it.
We were great in '83.
But here's the part That you cannot tell anybody.
I'm going to quit.
I'm going to quit.
Wh-Why? You love work.
You revel in it.
To tell you the truth, I'mi'm sick of it.
Wow.
Maybe even have another kid.
Fran, that would be great.
I am so happy.
Aah.
I am so happy.
Are you happy? I'm very happy.
Promise.
You cannot tell anybody yet.
Don't worry.
I have to get out of the lease.
I got to pick up ryan And tell him the news.
What were you going to tell me? Nothing.
I'm fine.
O.
K.
, good.
I'll be back after lunch.
[Telephone rings.]
Lisa stemple.
Lisa, do you have a minute? I really need to Put that down! What? No.
Gloves only come in pairs.
What is wrong with you? Haven't you ever shopped before? What did you want? Well, i was wondering Oh, by the way, Duchess of gloucester is coming to the party.
She eats like a pig.
We've got to get more food.
What did you want? I don't know where to start.
I got to call you back.
Some freak's taking advantage of a mannequin.
Put her down, sicko.
I'll call you back.
Bye.
O.
K.
, great.
Hi.
You o.
K.
? Yeah.
Head in the hands.
Universal symbol for o.
K.
No, no.
Should i ask? No.
It's nothing.
It's no big deal.
I'm supposed to be at the temple of dendur Arranging an engagement party for my sister And 500 people who apparently eat like 600, And nobody knows what.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm happy.
My sister met a man who she's in love with And who's in love with her And who's worth $400 million.
I'm trying to help her.
I'm happy to help her, And fran just walked in and dropped this life-Changing news, Which is great, It's just the timing may not be great, But you can't control everything, And paul is out of work, And he doesn't seem to be too eager to get back, And we've been trying to have a baby since before electricity, And And we're failing for some unknown, mysterious reason.
Maybe it's a good reason, And i don't even know If i would want to have a baby at this point.
I just know it isn't happening the way it's supposed to.
Which it? Uh, my life.
I was on a path, you know? I felt like i was on a path to a certain place, I thought, along a certain road.
I feel like i turned right When i was supposed to turn left.
It doesn't feel like my life anymore.
It feels like a big jumble.
It's o.
K.
No, it's not.
It's not? No, it's not.
It's a disaster.
Maybe you're right.
I don't know.
Well, i can't figure it out, And people have their own problems, Which i understand, But i'm people, too.
I'm the one everybody comes to.
Now i need to go to somebody, And i can't go to anybody Because everyone's coming at me.
Jamie, jamie, calm down.
It's all right.
I know i'm not exactly one of your close friends.
We just work together.
We haven't known each other long, But i'm here for you.
Thank you.
Let's work those cardiovascular muscles and breathe.
You know what's really sad? I'm just doing this to impress you.
Now it's time to find your maximum target heart rate.
You do this by taking your pulse.
I don't have a pulse.
Hey, where's my pulse? Show me a pulse.
I don't have a pulse.
Move your hand.
Is it in there? Right there.
O.
K.
, we're all right.
False alarm.
I think that's enough for one day.
Don't stop on my account.
That's o.
K.
I was going to stop anyway.
No, no, no.
It's o.
K.
Don't think i was doing this all day.
Don't worry about it.
Are you thirsty? I must be.
I got your favorite.
Grand union.
It just tastes better than the others, doesn't it? Ice.
You want ice? I don't need ice i'll take some ice.
Um So how was your day? It was good.
Did you have a good day? Good.
So we both had a good day.
You wanted ice.
Or a hammer is good, too.
I was thinking hammer and nail and Forget it.
Remember when we went to provincetown And got that little bud vase? Uh-Huh.
That was nice, wasn't it? Uh-Huh.
Can i ask you something? What? What's the matter? What? What the hell is wrong with you? We have to talk.
Uh-Oh.
What? Just that in the history of life, No good news has ever followed that sentence.
It's never like, "we have to talk.
You are now the emperor of rome.
" You don't hear that.
We have to talk.
Also, that tone is not really shouting A sense of good.
I'm sorry, but we do.
I know, i know.
Come here, 'Cause, um, actually, i got to talk to you.
You do? Yeah.
Um, can i go first? Yeah.
Go ahead.
Iaa silly thing happened [Doorbell buzzes.]
Who is that? Who is it? It's pop.
It's burt.
It's your father-In-Law burt buchman.
At least the man knows who he is.
Hi, burt.
Hi.
Is this a bad time? No, no, no.
What's up? I would have called, But your mother always picks up the extension.
I know you've been planning This 45th anniversary party for us, which is very sweet.
It's been a wonderful 45 years, But what i would like to tell you is this.
What? I want to pay for it.
No, no, no.
Look, i insist.
Take this money, and i don't want to hear any more.
All right.
When you're right, you're right.
Good.
Hey, can i use your facilities? I had a couple of It doesn't matter.
So you were about to tell me When he goes.
No.
Tell me.
It's weird.
I don't know how to even say this [Doorbell buzzes.]
What? Who is it? It's me.
I want to run a couple of dresses past jamie.
You know, lis Won't take a minute.
Is this a bad time? No, no, no.
Don't go in the bathroom.
There's somebody in there.
Whatever.
So, anyway [Doorbell buzzes.]
Who is it? Debbie.
What's going on here? This a bad time? No, no, no, no.
I came by to ask If it's o.
K.
To bring joan on the 12th.
She's my girlfriend, But i don't want to make mom and pop Your sister's in the bedroom naked with a tiara on.
I know.
Look who's here.
Debala! How are you? Why is she trying on dresses? It's for her engagement party.
Lisa, congratulations.
[Lisa.]
thank you.
Actually met a man worth $400 million.
Can you imagine that? Does he have a sister? [Buzz.]
Who is it? Jonathan.
I don't even know a jonathan.
The caterer.
I have some delicious egyptian tidbits for you.
I hope this isn't a bad time.
Do you have a large slotted spoon? In the kitchen.
What do we think? Very elegant.
Yeah, but it's riding up my butt.
Nice.
You can take the girl out of the country, But you can't get the dress out of the girl.
[Buzz.]
Who is it? It's mark! Man! And fran! Hummous? Not so much.
All right, all right.
What is this? It's something, isn't it? Isn't it something? It's like we're teenagers at the prom, It's like we're virgins, And we wanted you to know.
We wanted you to know in person Because this isn't something you'd want to hear over some Is this a bad time? No! No! We're getting back together.
Baba ganoush? Not right now.
I'm so happy for you! That's great.
I knew it.
That's wonderful.
We'll make a big announcement.
We'll have a toast at the anniversary party.
It's on the 12th.
What? The 12th is my engagement party.
We just realized that this morning.
What'll we do? We have to change one.
We can't change ours.
Can't change ours.
I'm not getting engaged if you can't be there.
I'm not having an anniversary if you can't be there.
You know, sanford's father ziggy Is a very stubborn man.
What is burt buchman, a pushover? A lightweight? A dog? No.
Nobody was saying that.
Tzatziki? O.
K.
You know what? Back off.
Let me tell you something about ziggy klarik.
I wouldn't buy jockey shorts from that crappy store.
I haven't bought anything there Since kennedy was shot.
That was a big day for you, wasn't it? Sure, sure.
There was nothing open.
[Buzz.]
Let me get it.
Let me tell you something about ziggy klarik.
He was a crook! Is this a bad time? Who cares anymore? Burt, i'd like you to meet A hoodlum! A liar! Burt.
A rat bastard! Burt, i'd like you to meet ziggy klarik's son sanford.
Sanford klarik.
Oh, a pleasure.
A pleasure.
I'm a friend of your dad's.
All right.
I'm o.
K.
Now.
I never should've had that cup of Doesn't even matter.
Well, i'll see one or both of you at the party.
I'm sure we can work it out.
By the way, that newsweek was from october.
We'll fix that.
What are the chances of that? The one guy my father's angry at, Your sister marries his son.
You were going to tell me that something happened.
You were saying? Oh.
Come here.
This is hard for me to say.
I've been rehearsing this all day.
The more i say it, it sounds bad.
Umi'm just going to say it.
A little something happened.
It didn't happen, But it almost happened.
It started to happen.
It happened for a second, And, uh And it's been bothering me.
It shouldn't have even happened.
It didn't happen, but it started to.
It started to begin to almost possibly happen, And it's been bothering me.
I kissed doug berkus.
What? I kissed doug berkus.
I I didn't kiss him.
Actually, he kissed me.
But to some extent, i kissed him back.
Actually, i didn't kiss him back, But i didn't stop him instantly.
I did stop him, but not immediately.
What? I kissed doug berkus.
Could you stay away from me for a second, please? Let me explain what Yeah.
Just tell me it didn't happen.
That's the only explanation I would like to hear right now.
Paul.
What? What? What? We're having trouble.
You and i, we're having trouble.
I know.
Do you? Yes.
When you went to albany last week, This woman and i, um I What? This sounded a lot worse a little while ago.
This woman and i, uh, took a walk.
You took a walk as in No, no.
We took a walk around the block.
She got into a cab, and i came home.
But it wasn't just the walk, you know? Wow.
Wow? You're gonna say wow? You don't get to say wow.
You're not entitled to a wow on this one.
You kissed doug berkus? Yeah.
And you took a walk? Yeah.
What are you doing? I'm putting my pants on.
Why? 'Cause i need my pants.
I need to wear my pants right now.
Should i put something on? Do whatever you want.
You need to wear your shoes, too? I got to get out of here.
I can't be here now.
Where are you going? I don't know where.
Are you coming back? I don't know.
Honey, it's 68 degrees outside.
I know.
You need your chess set? Yes, i do.
Shouldn't we talk about this? No, i can't talk about this now.
I can't talk.
Wait.
Just wait.
What's going to happen now? I don't know.
I-I'm I don't know.