Malcolm in the Middle s04e22 Episode Script

(baby crying loudly) (gasps) Oh, not again.
This baby is gonna kill us.
- LOIS: - Oh, Jamie, for the love of! It's all over the walls.
Boys, it's a level three! Backyard, now! (crying) - (gagging): - Oh, my God! - How does this kid - keep getting out - Of its diaper? Damned if I know.
- I put that one on - with duct tape.
- Reese, get a mask and bucket - and clean up that wall.
Malcolm, find the old diaper - and bury it - at least three feet deep.
Dewey, stand by with the garden hose.
- Oh, we don't - have any diapers! How did we go through a bonus pack in one day? - Ugh! Jamie just went - all over the towel! Dewey, here.
give me your pajama top.
Not again! This is my last pair! Let's get you to the shower.
God oh LOIS: Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait.
Ugh, it's in my hair! Life is unfair.
- Yes, I was checking our status - at the day care center.
What? How do you move down on the waiting list? - Those are juvenile - offenses And shouldn't be part of the public record! Hal, what are we going to do? My maternity leave is over, I go back to work tomorrow, and we still haven't found day care for Jamie.
Well, honey, maybe you'll have to just - stay out - a little longer.
- I know money - is tight, but We can always stretch our pennies a little more.
This is insane.
There is no juice left in there.
You are watering down water.
- All right, - we're desperate! - But there has to be - some decent day care program We can afford.
Now, where the hell haven't we looked? We're joining a church? - We don't know anything - about these people.
- They have the best staffed - co-op nursery in town, - And they'll take care - of Jamie for free.
So, as far as these people know, we've been practicing members of the Brethren of Calvary for years, you understand? - Why doesn't Malcolm - have to be here? Would you rather be doing his job right now? Ow, ow, ow! Let go, let go! (crying) - What if they - ask me to pray? - I don't know - how to pray.
- Look, they only - want to meet us.
- So for the next half hour, - as far as you're concerned, - God is the greatest - thing in the universe, And that's that.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Pastor Roy.
- I understand you - want to transfer Your membership from the Brethren in Danville? Yes.
We were longtime members in Danville.
- I didn't know we had a church - in Danville.
It's gone now, bought out by a strip club.
Really? - Well, it's not - all nude.
It's just topless with tassels, but still We just so want to continue - to be part - of the Brethren community.
"Community.
" I love that word.
And our branch is very active.
I'm sure the boys will enjoy Bible study.
Oh, I'm sure they will.
And of course, - we also have hayrides, retreats, - prayer breakfasts - Day care? - Day care - Really? Lois, - did you hear that? They have day care.
I did not know that.
That kind of service is why we have always - been so committed - to this church.
That's wonderful.
- Have you gone through - the Precepts of the Covenant? Yes.
Of course.
(nervous chuckling) Love the Precepts.
Number three has gotten me through some hard times.
But it always comes back to God, huh? (laughing) Yeah, God's pretty neat.
REESE: Yeah, he's totally my favorite of all them.
I promise I will hire you back just as soon as business picks up.
I've never seen it this slow, Otto.
That makes six employees laid off in one week.
It is that festival down at Roswell.
All of the tourists are going To see where the UFOs landed.
Our people are losing their jobs - 'cause a bunch of idiot tourists - think little green men Crashed a spaceship down there? - That's ridiculous.
- Ja.
- They will see - nothing down there.
The government put every scrap of evidence in a secret vault Is this the news desk? - Listen, I'm out - at the Grotto Ranch, And oh, my God, there it is again! There's something weird happening in the sky! - I see a light - and some kind of craft.
You'd better get out here right away! I suppose it could be out here for another 20 minutes, but you'd better hurry! Hi, Donna, we're here.
Oh, hi, Lois.
This must be your little angel.
- (baby wailing) - There, there.
I don't know what got into Jamie this morning.
This is so out of the ordinary! There, there, pumpkin.
When'd you get so fussy? - Well, sometimes - even the youngest babies - Can sense your anxiety - on the first day.
Yeah, that must be it.
Uh, I expressed some breast milk.
Oh, my.
- I come from a long - line of milkers.
- Once these get started, - there's no stopping them.
(baby wailing) Whoa, this is so unusual! - At home we forget - we even have a baby.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
We're going to get along great here, aren't we, precious? Now, I know a lot of the mothers like to hang around for a while on the first day, but we think it's - I'm still waiting for a price - Here's your change.
- Thank you.
MAN: That's not the right ointment! What's wrong with you?! - You said you wanted - the do-it-yourself - Applicator, You crazy old man! - You think you're getting - out of helping me with this?! You're my wife! Ooh.
Ooh! Has it always been this quiet here? And the best part is, when you play with God, it's always your turn.
What does the "T" on the wall stand for? Uh, we'll talk about that later.
Hal, I have to meet a parishioner in my office.
- Would you mind - continuing the lesson? - What, me? - Don't worry.
It's just the story of Daniel and the lions.
I'm sure you know it in your sleep.
Uh Okay, then, class.
- (clears throat): - Uh This is a story about a man named Daniel, and, apparently, some lions, so Um "Uh, it-it pleased Darius "to set over the kingdom "120 princes, "which should be over the whole kingdom, "and over these three officials, uh, uh, of whom Daniel was first" When do the lions show up? Soon, Dewey.
- Please, you just have to be - a little patient.
Ooh! Ooh! "Uh, uh, and Darius said to Daniel, "'Yea, verily, I smote you, - "and I send thee - to be thrown into the den.
' "Where soon, Daniel was eaten by the lions.
" I thought God saved him.
Oh.
Well, sure.
- I was getting - to that.
Uh, as, as it is written the lion dith spit him up along with a lamb.
A talking lamb.
- (loudly): - "And verily, "it came to pass "that the big lump in the middle of the boa constrictor "turned out to be "the missing ranger.
"Forasmuch as the multitudes could still hear his radio "saying unto them, (imitates CB radio): "Come in, Dave.
Dave, do you read me?" No need to go up to Lover's Lane And come back down All full of shame I'll smile as I sing the same refrain Abstain, abstain, abstain! - Oh! - (applause) Well, we really shook the rafters, didn't we? I think Pastor Roy might call the cops on us.
Yes, Reese? Is there some kind of loyalty oath I can sign so I can get out of here? - Reese, no one's - forcing you to stay.
- The only thing - keeping you here Is that little voice in your head that keeps saying, "Why are all these people so much happier than me?" Now, then, as you know, - Mrs.
Pitzer, - the church secretary, - Suffered a paralyzing - spider bite At last summer's faith retreat, - but out of - that tragedy Has come these wonderful inspirational scenes that she paints with her mouth.
Here's Elijah being taken up to Heaven in his fiery chariot; Jonah and the whale; the parting of the Red Sea It's a joyful thing to witness the way God has blessed this woman's tongue and teeth.
I don't need no evil weed Oh, man.
Wow.
Keep your crack and your LSD I'm snorting something That God gave me And it smells a lot like love Mom, I don't want to go to that class.
You see this paycheck? - I earned this because - we have day care.
Those who earn paychecks get to have an opinion.
- Those who don't - go to Bible school.
Hal, three serious diapers on the way home.
We have to burn the car seat.
Dad, talk to her.
- I don't want to go - to this class.
Malcolm, you have to give this church a chance.
- I understand it's - a little different - From what we're - used to, - But I opened up - to the experience, And I feel a real spiritual connection.
(hammers pounding) - How's it looking, Hal? - Great.
- See you got the - windows framed in.
We all find our own path our own way.
(baby wailing) - I don't like the way - it feels either, - But I don't have any more - blouses, you little miracle.
(crying) If you could just, for the love of God, stop crying.
Hi, Donna.
Oh, don't tell me Jamie's been carrying on again.
You sure have a high-spirited little one.
Yeah, I guess I do.
Thanks for everything.
All right, dear.
- Oh, and are you going - to be picking up Seth, Or should he be dropped off? Seth? Who's Seth? - You're babysitting - Seth Richards.
- It's been on the schedule - for two weeks.
See? Saturday, Lois has Seth.
You don't understand.
- I'm one of those people who - drops kids off at the co-op.
I don't watch them.
I work.
We all take turns sitting.
That's what "co-op" means.
But I thought this one of those churches where, you know, people felt good doing things for other people - who don't have - to do anything back.
I have to work tomorrow.
I'm sorry, but you're going to have to figure out something else.
Seth, you have got to get out of there! This is my fort! I'll be with you in a minute.
(groans) - I have to admit, - I was a doubter.
- But I guess - we're pretty lucky - To get a visit - from an actual UFO.
Yeah, yeah, but look at me.
I am still shaking from seeing that craft with my own two eyes.
I tell you, they spoke to me telepathically.
- MAN: - There's been - Another sighting! - The alien's moved down - to the Songbird Ranch.
They actually have a piece of landing gear.
(chattering) What? No, they don't.
They're lying.
- Otto, we can't - let these people For your own safety, do not wave at them.
They think our hands are sex organs.
You may start something you won't want to finish.
What? I love you.
Stop saying that.
- Ever since we joined - this church, - You've been acting - really weird.
- That's because - I'm a different Reese.
I was sitting in Bible class dead, when suddenly I was awakened.
I'm dedicated to something outside myself now.
Something wonderful.
Now come here.
Can't you just hit me like you used to? I'm just too happy.
It's beautiful.
You painted it and everything.
Welcome home, Hal.
I am so overwhelmed by this.
And I'm not just blowing smoke this time.
You are the best.
God bless you all.
(breathes deeply) I think you're charging me for your own soda.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That kid has me so frazzled.
I mean Where is he? Lois, for the love of God, - are you watching - this kid or not? Where did you find him? Under a car - sharing his candy bar - with a squirrel.
He didn't like it.
He's sick.
Lois, I am trying out - a less supportive - undergarment.
I can't be chasing this boy all around the store.
- Why don't you just - leave him in your car Like the other bad mothers do? Mrs.
Munson, I want you to release my brother.
What? Ever since Reese got in your class, he's been really nice to me.
Trust me it's creepy.
- I don't like - this church.
Ever since we came here, all I do is think about stuff.
What kind of God makes children think when they're not even in school? Well, now, see, that is a torment, but I'm sure He has His reasons.
Yeah, like Pastor Roy said.
- How God's so much bigger - and wiser than us - And trying to see - what he's thinking Would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
Yes, exactly.
But we can trust in His wisdom and we can have faith that He is watching over us.
Like me with the anthill in my backyard.
- I spent days watching the ants, - trying to figure out Which ones were good and which ones were bad.
But they all just looked like ants, - so I started - smiting all of them.
Well, that's not - I was smiting them - with the garden hose - And with lighter fluid - and with the lawn mower, - And to be - perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel.
Those ants - could have been praying - to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them.
There was nothing they could do about it.
- But I don't - think Really, it's the same with us.
There's nothing we can do about anything, either.
So why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Well, that's good, but - I guess all we can do - is live our lives - With as much - kindness And decency as possible and try not to dwell on God standing over us with that giant shovel.
Bye.
That was $50 worth of makeup.
Am I pretty? No, you are not pretty.
- You have caused me an - enormous amount of trouble - And I have had it, - you hear me? Seth? Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Is he Are you from the co-op? Yes, yes, I am.
- And I suppose that - this might look a little odd, - But in my defense, - I didn't realize - I'd have to take care - of a kid today - A child - a, um A little person.
What are pleasure dots? Oh, my Lord.
Seth, you come away from that woman this instant.
He did some nice coloring.
(grunting nonsensically) - What the hell - are you doing? - What does it look - like I'm doing? What kind of alien are you? - You don't even glow - in the dark.
Get out of here.
- You get out of here.
- You get out of here.
You get out of here.
You get Hal, I had a terrible day with that child.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry I couldn't help you out.
- I just got back - from an all-day Hayride committee meeting.
Do you know there are six different kinds of hay - and they all have - their promoters.
Hal, listen to me.
It was impossible at work with that child, but I kept thinking, "I don't have a choice.
I have to do this for Jamie.
" - And then the parents came - and there was - This ugly thing, - and then I saw this.
Hey, this is good coloring.
- It's baby Moses - in the bullrushes.
And I started to think about that story, - where the mother has - to take her little one - And send him - down the river forever To be raised by someone else.
And I wanted to be that mom.
Hal I don't like this baby.
Are you serious? I know it's terrible.
- I don't deserve - to be a mother.
- I'm supposed to be - feeling all this perfect Motherly love, and it's not there.
It is just not there.
- I can't believe - you're saying this.
I know it's horrible.
You really don't remember, do you? Remember what? Honey, you've hated all our babies.
- You couldn't - stand The sight of any of them for at least two months.
- What? - Well, Reese, six months, - But he was a nipple-biter, - so I didn't blame you.
You told me - to leave Francis - at the county fair - So he could be - raised by cows.
Oh, my God.
It's just that you're so tired and, I mean, this all seems so overwhelming, but believe me, in a few weeks you are going to love this baby as much as anyone has ever loved a baby.
Really? Yeah.
Hey, I don't hear anything.
Where is the baby? Sleeping quietly.
Been that way for an hour.
Oh, my goodness.
How precious.
Who couldn't love something like that? Do we have to keep the painting? No.
We just have to find an atheist handyman.
Come, it's time.
It all became clear to me that first day in church.
- And now that - everything Has been carefully prepared, this will be the most magnificent day of my life.
What are you doing? - I plan to float - above the clouds And experience the joy that only birds can know.
You're going to fry yourself on a high-voltage wire.
I'm not afraid.
I have faith in my vision.
I love you, Dewey.
This is incredible.
- I can see the top of Dad's car - from here.
I'll miss you at first.
No, I'm as surprised as you are.
No, I'm as surprised as you are.
No, I'm as surprised as you are.
Amazing race How sweet the taste That saved a wrench for me I once was in the lost and found Was blind, but found my keys.
My face - The United States - government is not happy With the level of interest you've created in this sector.
But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? - I mean, all - that UFO stuff - About abductions - and cavity probes, That's all made up.
Right? Yes, there are no aliens.
But there are cavity probes.
But you just joined us two weeks ago.
Believe me, you do not want us to be part of your church.
We really don't belong around civilized people.
- Oh, come now.
- I'm sure that's just a (Reese screaming) (sobbing) See, that's exactly the kind of thing we're talking about.