NewsRadio (1995) s04e22 Episode Script

Just tell her I'm busy acting or something.
Oh.
Good evening.
I'm Phil Hartman from the NBC sitcom-- [ Man Whispering .]
NewsRadio.
Yes.
Exactly.
Those of you who faithfully tune in to NewsRadio whenever we're on enjoy following the misadventures or our little crew at WNYX.
But every now and again, we-- and by "we" I mean the inconsiderate jerks who write this crap and then force me to say it-- we like to kick back and say, "What if?" For example, what if WNYX wasn't a radio station at all, but rather a massive luxury liner called Titanic? Well, tonight, with a budget of over $200, we hope to answer that question.
So, sit back, relax.
Don't be afraid to cry-- I do it every day-- tears of joy, because of quality NewsRadio episodes like the one you're about to see.
Once we clear the North Atlantic straits, we should have pretty much smooth sailing.
Sorry I'm late.
[ Ship's Horn Blows .]
The chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.
- Yeah, I've been there.
- You don't wear a corset, Matthew.
I don't anymore.
I'll tell you that much.
Once we get through the North Atlantic straits-- Morning, morning, morning, morning.
Captain.
And what kind of time's my little baby making today? Fifteen knots, sir.
Fifteen knots.
Is that so? What, uh-- What is that in miles per hour? Uh, roughly-- Who cares? Take 'er up to 80! Uh, well, sir-- And this goes for everyone as well.
There has been an iceberg warning, so-- [ Others Laugh .]
Dave, an iceberg warning? Please, get real.
Look at me.
I'm a big, old iceberg, and I'm a-comin' to get Dave.
Matthew, I'm quite serious.
Oh, lighten up.
Lighten up, son.
-This radio station/luxury liner is unsinkable, right, Joe? -You know it.
That's right.
No expense has been spared.
Not one.
The hull alone is held together by over 200 miles of duct tape.
I thought we were goin' with steel for the hull.
No.
Steel's not waterproof.
Matthew, you'll be on iceberg watch for today.
Whatever.
- Um, aren't you forgetting something? - No, I don't think I am.
- Lisa's birthday.
- Happy birthday, Lisa.
- Thank you.
- I have a very special present for you, Miss Lisa.
Oh, Walt, you shouldn't have.
Well, the meeting is adjourned.
Matthew.
[ Whistles .]
Can I interest you in a cup of coffee, sir? I would love to.
But I'm supposed to be havin' coffee with that Molly Brown chick from upstairs.
Ah.
Making any progress there, sir? Second base.
But I hear she's involved in the suffrage movement, and I'm thinkin' maybe she's a little hot to trot.
Well, good luck, sir.
Yeah.
Good morning.
Yes.
Just place it by my desk.
Bill, why can't you just use a briefcase like everyone else? And put these impoverished drunkards out of work? You're a cruel man, Dave.
Careful with that, you rueful ape! Sorry, sir.
Sorry? Sorry doesn't feed the admiral's cat, does it? Bill.
All done, sir.
I seem to have misplaced my billfold.
You'll be taken care of handsomely at the conclusion of our journey, my good man.
[ Scoffs .]
With a swift kick to the gluteus "assimus.
" Good morning, Bill.
What's he doing here? His job.
Helmsman, lash the wheel.
You're relieved.
All I'm saying is he belongs down in steerage, not wandering freely up here with us.
He's a good kid, and he's a hard worker.
Dave, social classes are segregated for a very distinct reason.
The wealthy aristocracy are simply not meant to mingle with the vulgarian, bourgeois swine of third class.
It just isn't done.
Bill, of course you're right-- [ Walt .]
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Excuse me.
Yahoo! I'm king of the world! Whoo-hoo! Yee-haw! Walt? Kind of loud.
Sorry.
I just get so excited out here.
I know.
King-of-the-world-itis.
I've fallen prey to it myself.
Why don't you just calm down and come inside? All right.
Matthew.
You're not likely to notice too many icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.
Aw, gee whiz.
Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this ship? I will not have it! Darn.
Matthew! Shucks! Well, I never! Walt, get in here.
[ Shudders .]
[ Light, Rapid Knocking .]
- Iceberg? - No, actually.
I was wondering if I should also keep my eye out for-- No, don't bother.
There are no mermaids in this part of the ocean.
Okay, yeah.
Aye, aye, Cap-- [ Yelps .]
[ Water Splashes .]
[ Man .]
Man overboard! Wonderful.
What's goin' on? Man overboard.
Who? Who do you think? Thank you.
Thank you.
It was a good thing I fell off.
Somebody dropped this off the ship.
I thought you said man overboard.
[ Laughs .]
You know, you don't have to make that joke every time I fall overboard.
Well, Matthew, if you didn't fall off the ship at least three times a day, he wouldn't be quite so tempted, would he? Yes.
[ Furnace Roaring .]
-Wanna help me stoke the boiler? -No.
Actually, I was just gonna use the bathroom.
Why don't you just go over the side? Hmm.
Hey, Dave.
You know, speakin' of icebergs, I was tinkerin' around over the weekend, and I came up with an electrical device that can detect solid objects for miles away.
- Did you now? - Yeah.
- I'm gonna call it "radar.
" - Ah, well.
I think we'll just stick with the old-fashioned binoculars, if it's all the same to you.
[ Laughs .]
Radar! - Walt, that is so sweet.
- What's sweet? Walt's birthday present.
He wants to sketch my portrait.
Ah.
Yes.
Did you hear that? He wants to sketch her portrait.
So what? So, that's obviously his boorish, working-class way of trying to get to see her naked.
No, it isn't.
Walt, this sketch you're planning on doing-- How would you characterize it? Well, sir, I'd have to say, uh, artistic.
Artistic-- That's poor for "naked.
" I know that.
I'll talk to her later.
Here's that Admiral Pataki interview.
Ah.
Well, no rush on that.
No rush.
Um, happy birthday.
Oh.
- Oh.
- You don't like it? No, I-- I do like it.
I do like it.
Well, then? It just-- It seems a little, tiny bit much maybe.
- It's nothing.
It's nothing.
- Dave.
This is a Coeur de la Mer, the biggest blue diamond in the world.
Well, what the hell? It's your birthday.
Oh, my God.
An iceberg! Where? Where? [ Laughing .]
I'm just kidding.
I don't even know what those things look like.
But I'll keep looking.
S.
O.
S.
, old man, S.
O.
S.
Major trouble ahead.
[ Speaking Tube Peeps .]
Joe, engines full stop.
Prepare to reverse on my command.
[ Joe .]
Who's this? It's Dave.
Dave's not here, man.
This is Dave.
The captain-- Dave.
Now engines full stop.
Iceberg? No.
Not one of your mythical icebergs.
This is real-- Walt and Lisa.
[ Sighs .]
[ Peeps .]
Joe, ignore that last order.
What order? [ String Quartet .]
What did I tell you? I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Do you want to borrow my gun? [ Sighs .]
No, I'd really rather not.
Dave, your reputation had been indelibly besmirched.
You're right.
Hand it over.
[ Lisa .]
Oh, Walt.
Matthew, what are you doing? I'm using my humidifier.
I think I caught a cold when I fell overboard.
Why aren't you out watching for icebergs? [ Sighs .]
Dave, what is your obsession with these so-called "icebergs"? I mean-- [ Hull Scraping .]
Engines full stop! [ Ship's Telegraph Rings .]
Check below for damage! What happened? What was that? We hit a berg, a big one.
Well, Dave, I'm no scientist, but a bird isn't gonna rock the boat that much.
No, not a bird.
A berg.
An iceberg-- that one.
Oh, well, that's-- Whoa! That's a big-ass old iceberg, isn't it? Joe, how is everything down there? We're taking on a little water.
But besides that, we're fine.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah.
Everything's fine.
A hundred percent.
Everything's fine.
Don't come down here.
- What's going on? - We hit an iceberg.
We're taking on a lot of water.
We'll probably sink in a matter of hours.
- He's exaggerating.
- No, I'm afraid I'm not.
- God help us all.
Matthew.
- Yes, sir.
- Fire off a distress flare immediately.
- Yes, sir.
- Not in here, you idiot! - You said immediately.
What? Great.
Now we're not just sinking.
We're on fire.
Are you happy? [ Joe .]
We're not sinking! Yes, we are! Hey, dude, you wanna give me a hand? I'm a little busy right now.
Got a bottle opener? No.
By the way, the downstairs toilet's backed up.
- How bad? - About up to here.
[ Knocking .]
Go away! I'm busy! It's just me.
Need any help, Joe? Help doin' what? I'm fine.
Everything's cool.
Good.
Thirsty? Yeah, I could go for a cold phosphate, I guess.
Comin' up.
[ Grunts .]
Oh, thanks.
You know, uh, Dave thinks we're sinking.
Sir, this ship has been rated "Unsinkable" by strict union specifications.
Which means, that even if it's completely submerged, it still retains its "Unsinkable" classification.
Oh, good, good.
I need that for the resale value.
Have you got any cheese crackers in here? Sure.
Hold on.
Thanks.
We need to start loading the passengers into the lifeboats.
You take the starboard side of the building.
I'll take the port.
Let's go! Dave.
Huh? - Are you mad at me? - No.
I have a lot on my mind right now.
Because the only reason I'm not wearing your necklace is 'cause it's making people think we're back together.
Okay.
Listen.
I tried to tell them it's just a friend gift, but everyone seems to think it's more of a "let's be more than friends" gift.
Which it isn't.
Is it? Could we possibly discuss this tomorrow? Dave, there might not be a tomorrow.
[ Exhales .]
Yeah.
What a shame.
What'd you say? Nothing.
If you insist on discussing this-- Which I do.
then, yes, it would be nice if you wore the necklace.
But if you don't like it, just-- I do like it.
Well, then wear it.
I can't.
Why not? I'm just concerned about what it means.
It's a birthday present.
It just means I'm glad you didn't die partway through the year.
Whoa.
What's the rush, Joe? Nothin'.
I just get claustrophobic belowdeck.
[ Roaring .]
What's that? What's what? Can't you hear that? Sounds like a wall of rushing water.
No.
It's just the boiler.
It means the ship wants to go faster.
Oh, okay.
Carry on.
Walt.
Who's that? It's Bill.
What can I do for you, Bill? I'm still waiting on that soda.
What's taking so long? Well, Bill, there's kind of a lot of water down here.
So? Bill, don't you think I should come back up there? Not without my soda you shouldn't.
I'm really thirsty.
Okay, Bill, I'll do my best, but it's really, really wet-- [ Gurgling .]
Sounds like someone's a little wet behind the ears.
Literally.
[ Chortling .]
There you go.
Hang on.
[ Wind Blowing .]
You're next.
Is everybody set? Matthew, I need you to get these in a lifeboat immediately.
All right.
Whoa, hold on.
What's going on here? I've got these paintings.
I want to make sure they get into a lifeboat.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me see 'em.
Okay.
What-- What the hell is that supposed to be? Well, this is Degas's ballerina.
Crap.
Okay.
This one is by a painter called-- Double crap.
Monet.
Uh, then I have, uh, dogs playing poker.
Well, see, this one I like.
Now, that's what I call art.
Make sure this one gets packed away safely, would you? I guess you're right, sir.
Yeah, well, I'm always right.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Watch yourself.
Fellas, I think, despite what Joe says, the ship is sinking.
Yes, that's what I've been saying all along.
What finally brought you around? Well, I think it's when Joe drowned, mostly.
Hmm.
Well, now what? I don't know about you gentlemen, but I plan on going down with the ship.
Me too.
I salute you, Dave.
This was quite a scheme.
What scheme, Bill? To pretend we're sinking so we can dump all the third-class passengers into lifeboats and set them adrift to freeze to death.
Classic! Bill, this isn't a scheme.
We're really sinking.
[ Laughing .]
Right.
Right.
You got me.
- Bill, he's not joking.
The ship is sinking.
- [ Hull Creaking .]
- We're sinking? - Yes.
Huh.
Well, more cognac, anyone? I'll go fetch some.
Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition, and I'm a woman! Bravery was never his strong suit.
Don't worry.
He won't get far.
No? Why? Well, you know those lifeboats? Uh-huh.
They're made out of papier-mâché.
Ah, well.
To the next life.
Hmm.
[ Clinking .]
To the next life.
Isn't the ceiling supposed to cave in now? Yeah, but I think they blew most of the special effects budget on the break-room scene.
Lisa, if you didn't want the damn necklace, you should've just said so.
Dave! I thought you were gone.
Oh, I-- I very nearly was.
But then I decided, no, I'm going to fight.
What gave you the strength? Ah, there are things in this living world far sweeter than anything the great beyond has to offer us.
Like love? I was talking about coffee.
But love's important.
By the way, do you have any? Love? No.
Coffee.
No.
I am sorry.
I'm afraid I don't.
[ Sighs .]
Well, then what's the point? Hello, Lisa.
Bill.
I thought you were gone.
I will be if you don't give me a hand.
I'm freezing my buttocks off in there.
Bill.
Thank heavens.
Oh, hi, Lisa.
This desk is a little crowded, Matthew.
- You're gonna need a lookout, aren't you? - You're a terrible lookout.
Oh, so I screw up once, and suddenly I'm terrible.
Hello, Jim.
He doesn't look so well.
He's dead.
Oh.
Well, in that case, he looks great.
Well.
Two guys and one chick.
Lookin' good for me.
You know what? I think I'm gonna swim for it.
Which way is New York? There it is, right there.
No, Matthew.
That's an iceberg.
I'm pretty sure that's New York.
Bon voyage.
Bye.
[ Sighs .]
Bill.
Yes? We're not gonna have to repopulate the Earth or anything like that, are we? No.
[ Relieved Sigh .]
So, I guess we'll be stuck out here for a long time.
Hey, old friend? Yep.
Did you bring any food? - No.
Did you? - No.
Well, there you have it.
Kind of a downer, huh? Especially with everyone dying and Matthew and I eating each other and all of that.
But it's just a TV show.
None of us really died.
Right, gang? Right.
That's right.
Hey, where's Dave? Dave drowned while we shot that last scene.
Oh.
What about Vicki? Off making a movie in Toronto.
Oh, okay.
So only one person died, and one is off working on her feature-film career.
So it all evens out.
Good night, everybody.
Good night, folks.
Good night [ Bell Rings .]