Sabrina The Teenage Witch s04e22 Episode Script

A hot pot.
I love it.
I can just see myself at Adams, boiling water.
You know what would make a really great graduation gift? A Mr.
Microphone.
Yeah, if you've gotten every other gift in the world.
[DING.]
Hey, the toaster.
I bet it's a present from the Other Realm.
It's stuck.
Probably snagged on my cheese toast.
You're not supposed to melt stuff in our delicate Other Realm communication system.
It's just a bagel and a little cheese.
Okay, a bagel and a wheel of cheese.
Same difference.
Okay, the towels are changed, the soap dispensers are filled, and the urinal cakes are replaced.
This is how I keep people from knowing I like you best.
Including me.
Well, Skippy.
Come to spend some of that hard-earned paper-route money? Tough talk for a college junior who still attends high school proms.
Harvey, can't you guys be nice? - No.
He likes you, Sabrina.
- Right, we're friends.
But he's hoping for girlfriend.
I don't like you spending time with him.
And I bet if the shoe were on the other foot-- Hey, I have never once been jealous of you and Josh.
Sabrina, I don't ask for much.
Quit this job, please? Do it for me.
Harvey, that's not fair.
I like Josh, and nothing is going on.
And I need this job.
- That was an awfully long no.
- Harvey.
Great, a fight with my boyfriend and I smell like Comet.
You know, you're like the evil version of the Maytag Repairman.
What? I needed the calcium.
Zellie, have you decided what you're gonna get Sabrina for graduation? Oh, I haven't had time to think about it.
I've been too busy handling this lawsuit Willard has filed against you for hitting his car.
- Oh, yeah, that.
- Yeah, that.
Speaking of that, have you seen a notarised witness statement? It's pink.
Found it.
[LAUGHS.]
Who's in trouble now? Harvey's being unreasonable.
I don't know why he doesn't want me hanging out with Josh.
- He must not trust me.
- That is so sad.
I think there's only one thing you can do.
Open another present.
Is it a Mr.
Microphone? Is it a Mr.
Microphone? No, it's luggage.
- Oh, come right in.
- Is Zelda here? No, she's out at a meeting getting her seven-day free-of-Willard chip.
Well, my car is fixed.
It actually goes in reverse now.
So I want to inform you that I am dropping the lawsuit.
Isn't it too bad they haven't invented the telephone yet? - Will you please give these to Zelda? - Will do.
I've just hit Willard.
I am so suing.
You know, I've always liked this place.
It'll be fun owning it.
I didn't hit you hard.
What was he doing here? Oh, he came by to drop some lawsuit.
You know, I have no problem at all with Harvey and Josh being friends.
Were your friends operating under a price limit - when they got you all these things? - Hey, I found something.
"If two enemies break bread together, they will no longer be enemies.
" I'm gonna bake some friendship bread.
Here's my gift.
A magic mirror.
Oh, yeah.
You can't get this kind of plastic just anywhere.
It's not what it looks like.
It's what it does.
Mirror, mirror, near the wall Who's the best gift-giver of them all? You wrote the cheque, so I guess it's you, Chickie B.
- Case closed.
- Chickie B? Mm-hm.
I don't get it, Kinkle.
If you can't stand this guy Josh, why do you keep coming back here? I gotta keep my eye on Mr.
I-Can't-Find-a-Girl-My-Own-Age.
Don't worry, I plan to keep a really low profile.
- Oh, hey, have you seen Sabrina? - Keep away from my girlfriend.
I'll stay away from Sabrina when she tells me to.
Maybe she did tell you to but you're starting to forget things, Grandpa.
Hey, look, fresh-baked bread from my ever-loving oven.
- I'm game.
- Maybe you should leave.
- Maybe you should make me.
- It's got raisins.
Oh, raisins.
Really-- Hey, I'm on break now.
Let's have a cup of coffee together.
Only if I'm buying.
Look at them.
This bread could have kept The Beatles together.
Admit it.
I got Sabrina the best gift.
I don't know how you can compare a specially brewed homemade scent with a snotty-talking looking glass.
I know, you can't.
Mine's clearly better.
[SALEM CLEARS THROAT.]
[GLASS BREAKING.]
- Salem.
- Oopsy.
You did that on purpose.
I think the "oopsy" implies that I didn't.
Oh, I see your vile little plan.
You break our gifts with the childish hope that we will then buy Sabrina a Mr.
Microphone.
Yeah, it's so obvious.
A mister what? I have no such plan.
Did it work? Oh, you are in for it, buster.
Not only did you break irreplaceable items, but you've now freed the man in the mirror.
This decor is really the fairest of them all.
If you're talking county fairs.
Argh.
First the toaster and now this mess.
I don't know when I've been so angry with you.
- You are in a peck of trouble.
- Define "peck.
" - Allow me.
- No, please, allow me.
- Oh, I insist.
- No, I insist.
- You first.
- No, no, you first.
Oh, just sit down.
Well, it's nice to see them getting along for a change.
It's like Chip and Dale.
Only I'm not enjoying it.
- So how you guys doing? - Great.
We just found out we both share a love of turkey jerky.
I'm sorry, did you wanna answer that? No, no, your answer was just perfect.
This is going great.
ZELDA: Have you thought of anything else to get Sabrina? Maybe I have and maybe I haven't.
You know, Hilda, I think we're getting into a bad area here, competing through presents.
I had that thought first.
You know, maybe we're focused on the presents because we don't wanna focus on the reality.
Sabrina's leaving for college.
Yeah, next year it'll just be the two of us.
Did she say "just the two of us"? Yeah, it'll be strange to have just two.
Well, on the plus side, fewer groceries to buy.
Fewer groceries? Only the two? Dear Lord, they're getting rid of the cat.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, well, right now we have other things to deal with.
Are you painting your head? Oh, it's murder on my pillow, but the ladies love it.
Harvey, there's a Die Hard marathon playing at the Student Union.
- I like Die Hard.
- Excellent, we'll stock up on jerky - and sit in the front row.
- I prefer Skittles.
- You're on.
- Hey, remember me? Oh, yeah, Sabrina.
She can cover for you.
- Let's go.
- That does it.
This friendship is cloying That's a fact Bring up the bread With the magic ipecac See, I told you that raw chicken is not a delicacy.
[SOBBING.]
Get ahold of yourself, Saberhagen.
Think.
There must be some mistake.
They love you.
Okay, they can stand you.
Wait a minute, they have to keep me.
The Witches' Council won't let them get rid of me.
Oh, thank heavens for bureaucracy.
ZELDA: Well, we have to find him someplace to stay, don't we? No, I talked to the Witches' Council, and according to them, technically, he's a freeloader.
So we can throw him out on the streets for all they care.
Not the streets, there's scary stuff on the streets.
I say we toss him out and let him fend for himself.
SALEM: I'm a dead man.
Let's at least get him a room at the Y.
Isn't there anything in this house to drink? A small room.
Hey, so you two threw up together.
Isn't that some sort of male-bonding thing? Only in a prison movie.
You guys still feel close, right? I never would have been sick if I hadn't eaten food from this E.
coli farm.
What? Ignore him, he's just a little testy.
You know, he's at his worst post-vomit.
I'm not putting up with your insults anymore.
Someone else is testy.
That's something you two have in common.
You are hereby banned from this place.
Sabrina, if you keep working for this guy, we're through.
- Harvey.
- Good riddance.
Josh.
Okay, as usual, my plan is going perfectly.
SABRINA: Why am I so reluctant to quit the coffeehouse? It's not the free day-old muffins.
What is the true meaning behind this? You still like Josh, you bonehead.
Now, help me.
I'm being evicted.
I do like Josh.
I mean, I couldn't imagine not seeing him every day.
But I can't imagine life without Harvey either.
And I can't imagine life without fluffy pillows and a shower massage.
Get out, you little narcissist.
You just mean, out of your room, not the house, right? [SOBS.]
Maybe Sabrina's right.
There is a chance, however slim, that my ironic and detached nature could be misconstrued as jerkiness.
Well, I'll just act nice, and then the aunts won't give me the heave-ho.
How hard could it be? Say, have you been getting sleep? You look a lot less yellow than usual.
Ah! Oh! Oh! [GROANING.]
No one's good at anything the first time.
Ah! I need help.
Oh, a boyfriend course.
Sounds promising.
Besides, I'm desperate.
- Having trouble picking a boyfriend? - Exactly.
Then you need the boyfriend course.
Sign up here.
This is the boyfriend course.
Oh, I get it.
An obstacle course.
Clever.
I never get enough of those Other Realm puns.
And here are the boyfriends.
- Where are we? - Oh, this is just some weird dream.
Eleanor Roosevelt's not gonna appear and start hitting me with a leg of lamb, is she? No, it's a different weird dream.
Don't worry, they're under a spell.
They'll never remember a thing.
Go.
[WHISTLES.]
- Okay, just one questions, Mr.
Chips.
- Yeah? How is this gonna help me decide on the right boyfriend? Oh, that's easy.
You choose the one that isn't dead.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
What? So we're agreed.
Instead of competing, we'll come up with a present for Sabrina that we both like, and go in on it together.
Perfect.
I bet my gift ideas are better than yours.
- Sorry.
- I hate to interrupt conversations of genius, but may I say, you two vexing beauties are radiating brilliance.
Salem, you're still gonna be punished.
Don't try buttering us up.
Don't be ridiculous.
Everyone knows butter only belongs on lovely finger sandwiches.
Follow me.
- High tea from me to thee.
- Oh, my.
Oh, don't we have a fine time, the three of us? Go, Harvey.
Go, Josh.
Go, team.
It's sweet of you to root for both of them.
That way, you don't have to feel guilty at the loser's funeral.
No offence, zebra boy, but these are young guys.
Unless one of your obstacles is a piece of delectable-looking cake laced with anthrax, - this course is not gonna kill them.
- Don't worry.
Sudden death will.
Okay, I appear to be standing in some sort of primordial ooze - in my good shoes.
What is this stuff? - Quicksand.
Ah! It wouldn't be sporting if you had magic.
You know what? I changed my mind.
I'd like to drop this course.
Whoever saves you, gets you.
I know that sounds a little bit sexist, but this hasn't been updated since 1672.
Just relax.
You relax.
One sudden move and I'm chugging a sand smoothie.
Help, Harvey.
Josh.
Have no fear, Sabrina.
I'm on my way.
Hey, Dudley Do-Right called.
He wants his dialogue back.
Sabrina, I'll be right there.
Okay, that might hold them up.
Is there anything more delightful than a perfect cup of Darjeeling served in bone china? Not to mention the civility of corn relish on toast points.
How marvellous.
And I did it all myself.
[CLANGING.]
What the? Salem.
Well-dressed robbers.
Call the police.
Okay, which one of you two left the backdoor open? I hope everything was to your liking.
And, yes, we accept all major credit cards.
[GASPS.]
My heavens, were those pastries spun from gold? I just wanted you to have the best.
Maybe I didn't think this through.
You're pretty.
Hang on, Sabrina.
I'll save you.
- Stay calm, Sabrina.
I'll save you.
- Why shouldn't I be calm? Some people pay thousands of dollars for this kind of beauty treatment.
Help! Hey, maybe I can stop the blades with this.
Give me that.
Okay, all extremities intact.
Run, Harvey Kinkle, run! Well, I think we have truly found the perfect graduation present.
A car.
I know in our hearts that Sabrina loves us for who we are, but this is really gonna cinch it.
Let's put the keys in a little box, and then put that box in a bigger box, and then put that box-- Now I've lost my train of thought.
Oh, Willard.
Glad to see you up and about.
I assume you're here to serve papers.
No, I'm dropping the lawsuit.
I Zelda, we've been through too much together to have it end this way.
And my lawyer took my retainer and went to Tonga.
- Oh, thank you, Willard.
- No, no, no.
My emotions and my spine are both a little raw.
- So - So [MOUTHING.]
Okay.
Oh, now I remember.
In a bigger box, and then that box-- [CLANGING.]
Not again.
How did he manage to walk into all those trash cans? Apparently, there doesn't seem to be a bottom to this bottomless pit.
Hurry.
Hang on, Sabrina, I'm almost-- About to face my not-so-irrational childhood fear of snakes.
JOSH: Out of my-- Snakes! I'm sure they're a lot more afraid of you than you are of them.
JOSH: Hey, look, there's a plank we can use as a bridge.
Sucker.
[GROANS.]
What we do for love.
Figures.
Four years warming the bench in football, now I find out I should have gone out for track.
If I don't convince the aunties soon that I've really turned over a new leaf, I'm gonna be tossed out into the cold on my nicely rounded buttocks.
Maybe I've been too subtle.
Blessings to all who enter here.
You are still in deep doody, mister.
After much thought, we've come up with your punishment.
Now, I want you to know that its severity is only to teach you a lesson.
[SOBS.]
- You're grounded until further notice.
- Grounded? - You mean, I can't leave the house? - That's right.
You realise we're punishing ourselves as well, but what can we do? I'm glad we read the Marilu Henner book.
Oh, sweet relief.
I've still got a home.
And best of all, I like being a nice guy.
This new leaf is staying turned because I'm a changed cat.
Car keys? [TYRES SCREECHING.]
SALEM: Hardcastle and McCormick, eat your heart out.
Somebody save me! Or at least scratch my nose.
JOSH: Don't worry, Sabrina.
I'll have you out of that quicksand within seconds.
But if you have a crossword puzzle handy, you might wanna break it out.
- Hurry! - Sabrina, I'm coming.
- I'll block the flames with this rock.
- Hey, I'm gonna save Sabrina.
Guys, I don't know if I've mentioned in casual conversation in the past, but I don't wanna die.
I don't care who saves Sabrina as long as Sabrina gets saved.
- You're right.
- All right, help me push this thing.
Okay, I guess it's time to come up with a few last words.
Let's see Dying is easy, comedy is hard.
No.
Rosebud.
No.
'Tis a far better thing-- Darn, all the good last words have already been done.
- We did it.
- All right.
- Wow, you must work out.
- You know, I've been benching-- - Guys, this stuff ain't slowsand.
- Sabrina.
Whee! Do you know why I do this? Kicks, man.
Kicks.
[LAUGHING.]
I'll get a Hungry-Man dinner.
Watch a little of the Antiques Roadshow, and-- Holy mother of pearl! [TYRES SCREECHING.]
I'm okay.
I am suing you-- A cat? Just one question, what was the point of all this? The point was for one of them to die.
We've never had both contestants survive before.
Well, good luck picking one of these brave boys.
The worst part, other than the pound of quicksand in my underwear, is I don't know what to do about Harvey and Josh.
I'll look it up, but I'm almost certain there's a tribe in New Guinea where women can have multiple husbands.
Honey, I'm sorry you have such a dilemma to face.
I wish we could comfort you with your graduation present.
I bet now you're kicking yourself for not getting her that Mr.
Microphone.
- The toaster's fixed.
- And now I can toast my sticky bun.
Me no funny? It's a notice from the Witches' Council.
"This is to inform you that the friendship spell has caused the mortal Harvey Kinkle to reach his spell quota.
" That means, after the friendship bread, no more spells would affect him.
But what about the obstacle course? That means, he dove under blades, jumped over snake pits, and fought fire on his own? I'm beginning to think he likes me.
Yeah, he's brave, but how are you gonna explain this to him? Oh, you know Harvey.
He bought my "you're just dreaming" explanation per usual.
Sabrina, could we talk about the fact that you're a witch? SALEM: I know I'm in the doghouse, but this is ridiculous.
Hello? I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment.
It was just a car.
We really don't like that man.
I said I was sorry.
Well, if I didn't, I meant to.
[COYOTE HOWLING.]
Oh, there's no lock on this door.
In fact, there's no door.
And I'm out of pepper spray.
[SOBS.]
You'll feel bad when I'm dead.
Would you keep it down?