The Exes (2011) s04e22 Episode Script

I hope the branzino was to your liking.
You must try the meyer lemon tart.
I'll bring you a slice on the house.
Stuart? A word, please.
Pardon.
My lovely partner beckons.
Excuse us.
Yes? What's this "on the house" crap? Business is slow enough without you giving away freebies.
We've only been open a couple of weeks.
Besides, it's picking up.
This is the lunch rush! I gotta tell you, this place is gorgeous! Very elegant.
The only thing that's missing is asses in the seats.
Don't tell me.
Tell Wolfgang Schmuck.
In the restaurant biz, you can't just rely on reservations.
You need other revenue sources, like private functions: your baby showers, your birthday parties.
You have a great courtyard out there you should use it.
Forget it.
My goal is to be Thomas Keller, not Chuck E.
Cheese.
What's up? What's up with you? Chillin'.
All right, break it up.
We're giving away enough free stuff here.
Hey, Haskell, what's going on? Um, I'm tracking Margo's Facebook page.
Please tell me you're not still pining over your ex.
Haskell, face it.
She's getting married.
But is she? There's still no mention of it.
No "good news.
" No "save the date.
" No wedding bell emojis.
Just a link to some goat making friends with a hippo.
Just don't watch it all the way through.
Does not end well.
Well, unlike that hippo, I still have hope.
Maybe she changed her mind.
What do Stuart and Holly think of all this? Oh, they don't know that I'm in love with her.
They'd say I'm crazy.
Haskell, I said you were crazy.
Well, I thought it was just, you know, supportive street talk, like, "Haskell, you crazy!" First off, I don't talk like that.
Second Haskell, you crazy.
Ah.
Hurry up, Stuart! Gonna be late for the dinner crowd.
Crowd.
[raspberry.]
Sorry, sorry.
I was just reveling in our first Yelp review.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
Trevor from Park Slope calls us "An undiscovered gem soon to be a culinary hotspot.
" If he were here right now, I'd kiss him on the mouth.
Well, pucker up, baby, 'cause I'm Trevor.
[knock on door.]
Oh, uh, Margo.
- Hi.
Stuart, right? - Yep.
I remember you.
Haskell's pit bull divorce lawyer.
You cost me my Buick Electra and my Thighmaster.
Yeah, but that was a lifetime ago.
We can laugh about it now.
Hmm.
Is Haskell around? Uh, no, no.
'Fraid not.
Aw, that's too bad.
I wanted to drop off some of his stuff.
Now that I'm getting married, it doesn't feel right having it around.
- You're getting married? - Mm-hmm.
Haskell didn't mention it.
Congratulations.
When's the big day? Oh, we don't know.
All the places we like are booked up, so we're still looking.
Look no further! Stuart and I own a restaurant now, and we happen to specialize in weddings.
Whatever it is, it has to be classy, because that's what my tramp stamp says.
Classy.
Sweetie, it's beyond classy.
It is elegant, romantic.
We hold our weddings at an outdoor courtyard.
Oh, that sounds perfect.
When is it available? Well, we would need time to get everything together How about this Saturday? This Saturday? It's only a week away.
Yes, but we just had a cancellation, which is rare.
So what do you say, Margo? Shall we book it, or should I start calling the waiting list? No! Why not? Let's do it.
- Fantastic.
- We're saved! The date is saved.
Margo! What are you doing here? Actually, I came to see you.
You hear that, Phil? Yeah, I came to drop off some of your stuff, but the big news is, we set a date for the wedding! You hear that, Haskell? Yeah, we couldn't find a place, and then these two lifesavers convinced me to have it at their restaurant.
Guess who's getting married Saturday? Saturday? You're getting married Saturday? Yeah.
Exciting, huh? Well, I got a lot of primping to do for the big day.
Teeth whitening, spray tan.
With any luck, I'll get the heaves and go down a size.
Ah.
So, Haskell, huh? Margo's getting remarried.
You're finally getting off that alimony train.
Look at him.
He's speechless.
Come on, Haskell.
Say something.
I'm still in love with Margo.
What? And because of you two, I've only got a week to win her back.
Haskell! Get out here! What do you want? - We need to talk.
- Oh, no time.
I gotta figure out how to tell Margo that I love her.
It's a toss-up between the Times Square jumbotron, and a neck tattoo.
Come on.
All right, Haskell.
Take a seat.
Keep in mind, we're only doing this because we love you.
Doing what? This is an ex-wife intervention.
Mm-hmm.
You remember the pact we made? If any of wanted to get back with our ex, the other two would do whatever it took to stop them.
Yeah, like that time Stuart wanted to get back with Lorna.
Lorna? Lorna! Oh, screw the pact! Nothing's going to stop me! Okay.
Looks like we're going to have to do this the hard way.
- Hello, Haskell.
- No! You don't even know what I'm going to say.
I'm just generally afraid of you.
What you should be afraid of is the truth Eden! Hello, Haskell.
What is she doing here and what's that in her hand? These are the court transcripts from Lutz v.
Lutz.
Because apparently you forgot what it was like to be married to Margo.
(Eden) [clears throat.]
"January 5th, morning session.
Mr.
Lutz: 'Die, you fire-breathing she-beast.
'" "Mrs.
Lutz: 'You want fire? How's this?' Mrs.
Lutz pours hot coffee on Mr.
Lutz's genitals.
" "Mr.
Lutz: "Aaaahhh!" "Mrs.
Lutz: 'Ha ha ha ha!'" All right, all right! We had the occasional psychotic outburst, but beneath the fighting and the craziness was passion.
Haskell, don't you think that this is all just a reaction to The fact that she's marrying someone else? It's not.
It just reminded me that I never stopped loving her.
What makes you think that it would be different this time? Because I'm different.
Thanks to you guys, I'm not the same man! Look, I don't even know what Margo feels, but I know if I don't tell her what's in my heart, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
And there's nothing we can do or say to change your mind? Nothing! Well then, I guess we have no choice but to help you.
Really? If you love her that much.
This intervention took a serious left turn! Okay, okay, remember.
When Margo gets here, I'll start going over the wedding plans.
And then Holly will come over, and pull me away, and then you will just happen to stop by, and profess your undying love.
I'll never forget this.
Hey, hey.
Margo just pulled up.
Oh, I'm so nervous, my sphincter just slammed shut.
Oh, hello, Margo.
Please, have a seat.
Can't believe I'm getting married in a few days.
I'm schvitzing like a dock worker.
Well, you do have that bridal glow.
So I brought a few ideas for the wedding.
I want the cake Kim Kardashian had at her first wedding, the ice sculpture she had at her second wedding.
I also want her ass, but you can't have everything.
Hello, Margo.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but Stuart, you're needed in the kitchen.
Oh, before I forget, I wanted to bring you my deposit, just to show you I mean business.
Oh, that's a whole lot of business.
- Holly, I believe you wanted - Not now, I'm with a client.
- Holly.
- Oh, yeah, in the kitchen.
Ah, kitchen, kitchen, kitchen.
[humming.]
Margo! What are you doing here? I'm getting married here, Dum-dum.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
- May I? - Oh, sure.
Park it.
So, Margo Here we are You and me Sitting here At a table At a restaurant I get it, I get it.
It's nice to see you, too.
Can you believe I'm getting married in this place? It's a far cry from our wedding at the Toledo Bowl-O-Drome.
That's 'cause we didn't want to wait till the end of the tour.
We were too much in love.
Yeah, that we were.
I'll never forget how beautiful you looked, walking down Lane 10 towards me and the pins.
Yeah, till I hit that slick spot and I took down you, the minister, and the pins.
[laughs.]
You made a ten the hard way.
[both laugh.]
You know, you could say one thing about us: no matter how tough things got, we were always able to laugh.
Margo.
There's something you need to know.
Oh, hey, beautiful.
Oh, Mike! What are you doing here? Well, I was over at the tux place and couldn't remember which one to get, and I knew if I got the wrong one, that I'd get an earful.
Yeah, you got that right.
Give me a kiss.
I want you to meet my ex-husband, Haskell.
Haskell, my next husband, Mike.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
It's nice to finally meet you.
Yeah, yeah.
You, too.
Oh, well, we should go.
Just tell Stuart I'll call him later, okay? Just give me one minute, okay? Yeah, you got it.
Haskie, you know Seeing you again made me realize how much you mean to me.
Really? Yeah.
And it'd make me so happy if you'd walk me down the aisle and give me away? (audience) Oh! Give you away? Yes, sure! Of course, I will! You're the best, Haskie! Welcome! Welcome.
Hi.
I feel so guilty for having Margo's wedding here.
I know.
I feel terrible, too.
Enjoy this glorious event! Ah, hey, what's up, man? What are you doing here? You're not on the guest list.
Sure, I am.
"Phil Chase.
Crashing the wedding.
" Oh, thank you for your honesty.
Now get out.
Aw, no, come on! At the end of the night, I'll be somebody's plus-one.
Either the blonde or the brunette.
Or, if I'm as good as I think I am And I am Both.
Hey, Haskell.
How you doing? You okay, buddy? Oh, stop the pity party.
Like I've been saying all week, I'm fine.
Of course, he's fine.
He's got the hottest date at the wedding.
That's your cue to say, "You know it.
" - You know it.
- Aw, do you mean that? That's your cue to say "yes"! All right, lucky for you, you're adorable.
Yeah, I'll be a lot more adorable once I get some champagne in me.
So, throwing a wedding on the patio.
I remember someone suggesting you make use of that space.
Oh! Right, it was me.
You didn't say, "elegant wedding.
" You said, "clown party.
" I took your basic notion and elevated it.
Hmm.
- Elevate this.
- Ow.
Ow! Okay, you're right.
Great idea! Great idea! Thank you.
Now, show me what you've done with the patio, or as we called it at the Olive Garden, the "parking lot with the fence around it.
" There she is! Oh! Great dress, Margo! I can barely breathe.
Every time I sneeze, my boobs pop out.
You look beautiful, Margo.
Thanks.
You ready to give me away? As ready as I'll ever be.
Haskell, I can't stand it.
Stop pretending you're fine.
You're not fine.
You've got to tell her! Look, she's getting married in 20 minutes.
It's too late, so stay out of it.
Hey, hey, hey! Good news.
There is now a redhead in the mix.
I might pull off the bridesmaid hat trick.
What's the matter? You should have seen Haskell's face when he saw Margo.
This is killing him.
I told him to go after her, but he said to just stay out of it.
Well, when you don't stay out of it, will you leave me out of it? How long have you known me? Damn.
- (Margo) I just don't - (Holly) I know.
What's the emergency? I gotta walk down the aisle in ten minutes! It's the cake.
My cake? My Kardashian cake? Something must have happened overnight.
It seems to be listing.
Well, if it is, there's gonna be trouble, 'cause I paid for a straight cake.
What's wrong with it? It looks perfectly straight.
What are you doing? What is so urgent? (Phil) Yes! - Haskell! - Margo.
What are you doing here? (Holly) It's now or never, Haskell.
Tell her.
Tell me what? What is going on? Nothing.
Oh, I don't have time for this.
Don't move! One more step and the cake gets it.
What are you doing? Are you crazy? You better tell her, Haskell.
She's got a rosebud, Haskell! Whatever it is, tell me! I love you! - What? - I'm not here.
You love me? What are you talking about? I've never stopped loving you.
It all came flooding back when I saw you again.
Please, Margo.
Give me another chance.
It'll be better this time.
I'll be better this time.
I'll be the man I should've been.
I promise, I'll make you happy.
You son of a bitch! I'm about to get married! Now you tell me this? Even if I felt the same way, it's too late.
Now you pull yourself together because you are walking me down the aisle and I'm getting married! [silenced by the door.]
I feel so horrible.
Haskell said to stay out of it.
Why couldn't I just stay out of it? Well, at least someone's dreams came true.
[electric organ playing Wagner's Bridal Chorus.]
You can let go now, Haskell.
[muttering.]
Oh no, he's not going to let go of her hand.
He's going to embarrass himself! Haskell aah! [both yelling.]
Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Honey, honey! [both laugh.]
What are you laughing at? This isn't funny.
[both resume laughing.]
Okay, I don't get this! I mean The wedding is ruined! What the hell is so funny? I don't know, it just is! [both laugh.]
Hey, Phil! The wedding video? Just hit 4 million views.
[chuckling.]
And #TheWeddingSplashers is trending.
Thanks to your mishap, the restaurant's booked six months in advance.
A year if you want to sit near the fountain.
Ah, and I owe it all to you and Margo.
Yeah, I wonder what Margo's doing right now.
Hey, Haskell.
Get off your ass and help with the boxes.
I'm your wife, not a pack mule.
[audience cheers and applause.]
You hear that? My wife.
[cheers and applause.]
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Mister! You don't get any more of this until you help with the boxes.
Yeah? Well, you don't get any more of this until whenever you want it.
You're so sweet.
Now move it.
I want to be home in time for the series finale of Swamp People.
So Moving out, huh? Guess so.
You know, it's going to be weird not seeing you sitting on that couch every day.
Who would have thought you'd be the first to get married and leave? I know.
I guess a force greater than all of us had a plan for me.
(Holly) Good! You're still here.
If you left, I'd have killed you.
I'm going to miss you, too.
Oh, it only took me four years, but I finally launched one of my guys.
Look at you, all married.
Hey, he's not the only one you launched.
Thanks to you, I'm a restaurateur, living my dreams.
God, I feel good about myself right now.
And thanks to you, I had my first three-way.
- Hi, hi! - Where have you been? I sent you on one errand! Well, unlike you, it takes me more than four steps to get across town.
Haskell, this is for you.
It's your wedding gift.
Oh, Holly, Holly, Holly.
I said no gifts.
Just cash.
- Oh, it's a picture frame.
- Yeah.
Well, now I just gotta find a picture to put in it.
Oh, I know what you're putting in it.
Everybody sit down.
- Set up the camera, Eden.
- Okay.
All right, 10 seconds! All right, everyone, just get closer, get closer.
That's close enough! I already had one wedding night.
Hey.
Hey, buddy? Your blocking my pecs.
I've worked hard on these.
Got it.
Guess we should get up.
Yeah, we probably should.
- In a minute.
- Yeah, what's the rush?