Xena: Warrior Princess s04e22 Episode Script

It's all right, Gabrielle.
I'm coming.
Now, we determine who is the best.
You and I in a fight till death.
And to make things even more interesting Take her up! Take her up.
-Do something! -What do you expect me to do? Xena! Oh, this is really high.
Light it.
Anytime you're ready, Xena.
Come on, Xena! You're almost there! Xena! Harry Wake up.
Harry! What? I just had a vision.
An awakening.
Self-revelation.
Don't forget about the pint 'a Haagen-Dazs and the bean burrito.
They'll just give you nightmares.
This was not a nightmare, Harry.
It was an epiphany.
-I was really there.
-Where? I had a past-life experience.
Ok, let me guess.
You were -Susan B.
Anthony.
-No.
-Eleanor Roosevelt.
-No.
-Queen Elizabeth? -No.
I give up.
In a time of ancient gods, I was Xena, the Warrior Princess.
That does it.
I'm cutting you off.
No more internet chat rooms.
And I'm dumping this thing.
Get your hands off that, Harry.
Ok.
Have you totally lost your mind? I'm warning ya, Harry, you don't know what you're dealing with.
Read it.
Read it.
It came from yesterday's paper.
Ok.
Gonna just turn the light on.
Come on, Harry, hurry.
"Vigilante strikes again.
" "A woman dressed as Xena, Warrior Princess," "saved an elderly man from being mugged yesterday at the Mason Street mall.
" "It's the third time in two weeks that the Vigilante has struck.
" What are you saying? That was you? I know it sounds crazy and I have no memory of it, but look See these marks on my sword? It's as if it's been used in battle, and the same with my chakram.
I mean, how did they get there? Harry Harry, I think I've been doing these things on the nights when you're working late at the hospital.
It says here that the Vigilante struck with acrobatic athleticism.
Annie, you need a rubdown after a game of croquet.
But when my body is taken over by my previous life spirit, Xena, Warrior Princess, I clearly become a very dangerous woman.
And you actually believe this? No.
I didn't until now.
But that vision convinced me.
I am the Xena Vigilante.
Annie You need to get some help.
Help I should see a counselor, huh? Wonderful idea.
I'm so relieved A past-lives counselor.
In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS WELCOME TO WHO YOU USED TO BE I should have shuffled these cards.
There's an ace.
And you said that dressing the part was silly.
Well, these people don't seem to think it's silly at all.
-Who could argue with them -Hold that, wouldja, honey? Halloween party.
Joan of Arc? Xena of Amphipolis.
I bet my sword's bigger 'n yours.
Who are you supposed to be? Hey, pyramid boy, what's with the costume? We encourage our clients to dress according to what they sense was a previous life.
It often helps them make important breakthroughs.
Yes Yeah, that's good, Joan.
Ya still got it.
You are obviously a lover, not a fighter.
Even rude for a frenchwoman.
Saint Notice the doctor graduated from Buffalo Springs Medical Academy.
It's a fully-accredited school, sir.
Would you like to take a look at a menu? The doctor's running a bit late.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Look, menu.
"First-life experience.
" "Most influent.
Most sexually active.
" This is ridiculous! What's the matter? You threatened by my old flames? What? Are you seri This place is a g Look at this place! Here she is.
Sorry I kept you waiting.
Joan, new armor Looking sharp, George.
You must be Xena.
Are you ready? Absolutely.
Hey Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I come in with you? Harry, please.
-And you are? -Annie's boyfriend.
I'm sorry, but it's in Annie's best interest that her first past-life voyage be by herself.
First past-life voyage Ok.
Thank you, doctor.
Why do you have to be so mean all the time? There is a possibility that the Xena identity takes over Annie's and in that state you roam the town as the Xena Vigilante.
But there's only one way to find out for sure.
Shall we? -I'm ready.
-Close your eyes.
Concentrate on your breath.
Focus on each and every breath you take.
I want you to feel it enter through your nostrils, move through your diaphragm and release it out again.
You've expressed interest in Ancient Greece.
We're going to send you back to that time.
Back Back Back Now On the count of ten I want you to find yourself in another place, another time, another body.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
No! Hope! Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Xena! It's ok, Annie.
You're in your present body.
I was there.
Doctor, I was there.
I saw Hope and Gabrielle fall into the pit.
I experienced the whole thing.
It broke my heart.
I am Xena.
Do you have any recollection of being the Xena Vigilante? Well No.
I mean, there was something strange about it.
Go on.
Tell me.
Well, it wasn't like I was inside my body.
Her body.
It was like I was outside, watching.
You didn't make a soul meld.
Is that bad? If you expect to become fully conscious in this life of your past life as Xena, you must meld your identity with Xena's.
Let's try it again.
Close your eyes.
Weird Relax your body.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Don't worry, I cleared the place out for you.
They're gone.
Are we going after him? No, not in the darkness.
Right behind you They won't get far.
We'll camp here.
She is back again.
Two muggers were apprehended early this morning.
Police have no idea who the Xena Vigilante is, but do theorize it's an overexuberant fan of the show.
The Vigilante last struck two nights ago.
Although she has great support in the community police warn that it is never appropriate for citizens to take the law into their own hands.
That's the local news.
And now, for a check on our weather.
-That's it.
-Don't go in there.
I know you're anxious, but please, sit down.
Look I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna get my girlfriend, then we're gonna go home.
Ok? It could be very dangerous for you to interrupt the doctor during a past-lives session.
Listen to me, you cheap, dime-store, three-for-a-dozen quack.
Are you threatening me? I'll get the blankets.
Hello.
Hello! Calm down, Joxer.
We saw ya.
Great.
Well, you think you can cut me down without dropping me flat on my face? No.
-What's the matter, Annie? -Ye gods, the horror What happened? I I Say it.
I was Joxer! Annie! She's ok! Annie! -What's the matter? -Oh, Harry -What's going on? -It's ok.
I went back there.
I was Joxer.
Oh, please, not Joxer That ass Doctor? Look at her! She looks devastated! He's the comic relief.
Clearly, she didn't expect to find out she's this Joxer person.
Would you knock off that crap? You can get her to believe she's anybody you want.
They should never have introduced his character, in the first place.
I don't think you have a full understanding of guided imagery.
Guided imagery, my ass.
It's hypnosis, it didn't work.
Now you go fix it.
He's a deluded idiot.
-I don't like your tone, sir.
-Oh, no? Well, how do you like the sound of a malpractice suit? -Wait a minute.
-What? -You were there.
-Excuse me? Oh, yeah, I'm sure of it.
You were there.
Not you as the doctor, you as somebody else.
I'm not sure who.
It's common for patients to imagine their life-imagery guides I wasn't imagining it.
You were there.
Of course you were, doctor.
Now you're gonna go over there and convince her she's not this whatever his name is.
All right.
I could go back there to clarify her remembrance.
Let's have a seat.
Close your eyes.
Concentrate.
Get lost! Good.
Become your breath.
Your breath is your spirit and it's your spirit that will take you to a previous life.
One.
I said, get lost, freak! Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Meet Xena, the Warrior Princess and her sidekick, Gabrielle! They're gonna defend our village? Yeah, but we're gonna need a little help! Go to your houses and collect together all your your tools and your weapons.
Give Joxer a list of every able-bodied villager -and secure the outhouse.
-The outhouse? -Is that important? -It is to me! Get out of my way! It's ok.
Take it easy, Annie.
The doctor's gonna help you clarify your remembrance.
Isn't that right, doctor? Was I Joxer or not? I'm gonna get you a sedative.
-Marco, something went wrong, just now.
-What? Ok, I went back with her to one of her previous lives and I experienced something.
Something very real.
Self-hypnosis I told you that was a danger with this scam.
You're gonna blow it.
You don't understand.
It was like technicolor, you know? I mean, I felt like I was really there.
You're probably watching too many episodes.
No, I don't watch that show.
Bunch of chop-socky crap.
Besides, this was so repulsive It couldn't have been an episode.
You never know with that show.
-No, the sights, the sound -They're sneaky.
-They'll try anything.
-That smell One week, they're melodrama, the next week they're "Three Stooges".
Marco I'm telling you, for a moment there, I believed it.
And they're way too serialized.
Annie Annie You let this quack convince you of something that just isn't true.
Harry, if you were there, you'd believe it too.
-It seemed so real -Ok.
All right, look.
I'm gonna prove to you it isn't true.
Annie, here you go.
I'd like you to take these sedatives.
Doctor? I want you to send me back to whatever past-lives place you sent her.
Well, that may not be possible.
You may not have known Annie in a past life.
I see.
That's very convenient.
So, you don't want me to find out about your little past-lives scam, is that it? Yeah, Doc.
What are ya afraid of? Yeah.
All right.
To be honest, I'd like to experience it again myself.
Let's all become our breaths.
Close your eyes and breathe.
On the count of ten, we'll find ourselves in another body.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Harry What did you experience? It was strange.
But it's all buncombe, right? It's all the power of suggestion, right? It was unusual.
It was unusual.
What are you saying? Harry Annie Maybe Joxer wasn't such a bad guy.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Look -What is it? What? What? -None of us are thinkin' straight.
Why don't we get outta here, ok? That's a good idea.
I think we've done all we can here.
There's no charge.
Nobody's going anywhere.
Marco, what are you doing? We have some business to take care of.
I don't get it.
Marco, why are you doing this? Let's just say I'm settling an old score.
Look, if it's about the money, you can take it.
I'm through with this scam! I plan to! It's a scam I knew I couldn't be Joxer.
I can't believe it -What is that? -It's a bomb.
-Very good! -A bomb? Why, Marco? 'Cause boiling oil's too difficult to rig in this day and age.
Now Ya got about ten minutes before this thing blows your heads off.
Have a nice day.
You too.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna get us out of this mess.
This is a fine time to learn this reincarnation thing is for real.
All this time I think that I'm running a harmless little scam when in fact, I'm poisoning my karma.
Don't worry, Harry.
It won't be long.
Look, Marco taught me the hypnosis technique.
And I never thought I would hurt anyone.
Now I'm responsible for getting you two blown up.
This is a karmic catastrophe.
I'm gonna come back as a worm, or a cockroach.
No.
A tv evangelist.
Mattie You might be able to redeem yourself.
That technique of yours might be the key to getting us outta here.
-Really? -Yeah.
Look at us.
We're tied up with a time-bomb between our heads.
It's like one of those ridiculous cliffhanger act breaks on that show.
I can't believe you're trashing Xena at a time like this.
-Take us back, Mattie.
-You really think that will help? Xena got out of this type 'a jam all the time.
There's something she wants us to learn.
I'm coming.
Ok.
Relax.
Ok, ok.
Oh, not again.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
No! -What the hell was that all about? -I don't know.
-You were Xena, right? -Yes.
Ok.
Then I must 'a been one of the two blondes.
Would you listen to you two? Who's deluded now? I didn't experience anything that time.
It's a scam! But don't worry.
I'll get us out of this mess.
-Take us back, Mattie.
-Ok.
Relax.
Become your breath.
And one.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Where is she? I don't know.
Stop that.
-I'm right here.
-Oh, now she's back.
Autolycus, I'm going to speak through you.
Give me control.
No, wait.
We have an agreement.
I have a right Yes, Gabrielle, it's me.
I want you to do something.
Close your eyes.
Close them tightly and think of me.
Gabrielle Gabrielle It's me.
I'm not dead.
Xena At least, not completely.
Why? Why did you leave? There's so many things I want to say to you.
Gabrielle You don't have to say a word.
Xena, I can't lose you again.
Gabrielle, I'll always be here.
That was confusing.
Yeah.
Maybe I was the guy with the mustache.
-Botchculus or something? -Yeah.
Autolycus.
And you've both lost what's left of your spongy minds.
Right I'm going to take these wires that lead to the bomb.
I'm going to cut them with my teeth.
No, you're not, Annie.
You're going to disarm the bomb with your teeth? It's dangerous.
I'm afraid I've got to, little missy.
-Annie, I'm begging you.
-And Harry, I'm sick of you.
It's always "Don't do this.
Don't do that.
And don't" Ouch.
I'm sorry, sweethart, I couldn't let you chew on those wires.
No doubt who she was.
We just got a couple minutes left.
Take us back.
Ok, we'll try again.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
I'm coming, Xena! What could you possibly have been thinking? I'm here to save my friends.
That's all it'll take.
She's escaping! Don't just stand there, get her! I was Joxer.
I was the sidekick.
I know who the Xena Vigilante is.
How can you be Xena? You can't even stay awake during the teaser Have you done this before? No.
But I have many skills.
It's the red wires.
No.
Blue.
Very good.
You still haven't lost it Xena.
And you're as evil as ever Ares.
Sorry to put you through all this but I had to be sure.
I knew if I challenged you gave you every opportunity to visit your life back then you'd regain your old identity.
What do you want Ares? What I want is what I've always wanted.
You.
And this is the big opportunity, Xena.
We are on the verge.
Verge of what? January the 1st, 2000.
The world's gonna be dying for someone to take charge.
And that is where you and I come in.
What are you talking about? Y2K.
The world is gonna be in a state of chaos.
It's a little something I came up with when I got out of the tomb you left me in.
In a world that no longer worships me, I had to get creative.
But now I've got it and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
I do, however, need some human help.
So my choice as always, was you.
I guess I'm just a sentimental kind 'a guy.
Remember? What do you want? I want you back, of course.
My Warrior Princess, living as my Warrior Queen.
We were once a great match.
I didn't know any better then.
I thought your ways were all there was for me.
I think you'll be more comfortable in this.
Now that you do know there is another side to life now tell me Are you really having more fun these days? I'm fighting for a better world.
My dear Xena, you were always fighting for a better world.
You were going to conquer it and then you were going to rule it.
Same argument, same card to play.
So How about it, Xena? Not a chance, Ares.
Oh, come on You can't still be holding a grudge after all these years.
It's not a grudge.
It's the difference between right and wrong, good and evil.
You just never learned that lesson.
Are we gonna fight again? Bring it on.
Come on Come on Yeah? Ok! No! Time! That's it! I'm done! I decked the god of war.
You tend to lose a little bit of your edge when you haven't been worshipped in a while.
You're breakin' my heart.
Yeah, well, don't worry about it.
I'm still immortal.
You're not gonna get rid 'a me.
You know I think I knew it was gonna work out this way.
So why'd ya come back for me? Like I said, I'm a sentimental guy.
Harry! Yeah, and you better disappear! Great big hunk of god Here Let me get that.
Annie -Annie, I -Harry I got some bad news for ya.
You and I aren't made for each other.
She's your soulmate.
My soulmate? If you could just stay awake through one episode, you'd know these things.
You see I know that I'm going to die.
I accept that.
Why can't you? A long time ago I accepted the consequences of our life together.
I knew that it might one day come to this.
I'm not afraid.
You always said that I was the brave one.
Look at you now.
If this is to be our destiny, let's see it out together.
Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you.
I'll leave you two to get reacquainted.
And another thing I went back when Callisto had you two tied up.
And you know what? Joxer saved your butts.
I saw it from his point of view.
And you would never have gotten that chakram if he hadn't come in when he did.
He had the heart of a lion, and a really, really big one too.
You're right, Annie.
And he was a very underrated fighter.
Well Goodbye.
Oh Harry I've been aware for some time that you've been going into my underwear drawer at night.
It's nice to know it was in a good cause.
Thanks.
I guess.
Harry It's funny I do feel strangely attached to you.
What do you remember? I think I remember when we first met.
Xena, life is eternal.
It has no beginning and no end.
The loving friends we meet on our journey return to us, time after time.
We never die because we were never really born.
It's been a long time.
It's been too long Friend.
WELCOME TO WHO YOU USED TO BE Annie Banannie She kicks fanny Dangerous with sword and knife Learned her skills in that past life Never will you outfox her She's as good as ol' Joxer I'm Annie, Annie, the Mighty You should just meet her They don't come any sweeter You know, I could be Xena in my next life.