Hot In Cleveland s04e23 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, everybody.
Our group birthday is coming up, and I know exactly who I want to be fixed up with.
I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
That could be half of Cleveland.
It's our poetry professor Robin York.
He's so spiritual and sensitive.
Well, I want that guy that we met at the petsmart charities adoption thing.
His name is Rex.
Or maybe his dog's name is Rex.
Well, now that I'm engaged, of course, I don't need an actual date.
Which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with man boobs, conjoined twins, human tail.
Oh, come on.
That last guy was perfect, except for the tail.
Did you hear what you just said? No, no, this time, I just want a business date.
I really want a part in the next Wes O'Rourke movie.
- The indie film director? - Yeah.
He went to school with my film Professor.
I can make that happen.
Excellent.
Knock, knock.
Look what I brought.
Ooh, breakfast wine.
It's Glob wine, which stands for "Gorgeous ladies of bowling" wine.
Gorgeous ladies of bowling? That was our team.
We bought this wine and said we'd drink it together in 50 years.
Only, we lost track of the others.
That's what I want for my birthdate reunite the old gang.
Well, I can do that.
Who are they? There's Elka and me.
All we need to find is Diane, Angie, and Peg.
I'm a little nervous.
We haven't seen the other Glob girls in 50 years.
What if we don't recognize them? I know.
I mean, we look exactly the same, but they may have changed.
Oh, there's my date.
Here, Rex! Excuse me, Ms.
Chase? The gentleman over there would like for you to join him.
Oh, my God.
He's here already.
Interior, bar.
A woman approaches a table.
A smile plays across her lips.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does.
She takes a seat, awkwardly.
Blindly.
Work in progress.
I'm Wes O'Rourke.
Oh, it is such an honor to meet you.
I know.
Oh, there's your professor, Joy.
So deep and sophisticated.
It's like the Leonard Cohen song he wants to touch my perfect body with his mind.
I'd like to touch his perfect body with my hand.
This may not be my first drink.
Elka, I was hoping when you said a friend of yours wanted dinner with me, it was just your clever way of asking me out.
Oh, your date isn't with me.
It's with Joy.
Who? Hello, Professor York.
Oh, Joy, of course.
My mistake.
Are you sure it's not you? Sorry.
Joy, should we, uh, take a table? I know it sounds crazy, but you almost seem disappointed to be with me and not Elka.
What? No, not at all.
I'm looking forward to our evening.
Oh, you're a doctor.
Wow, that's so great.
You know, healing people, making a difference in their lives.
- So what's your specialty? - I'm a plastic surgeon.
Oh! Oh, that's you know, that's interesting.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a couple of broads, about your size, but a lot older looking.
- Angie! - Angie! You two look great.
Where's everybody else? Diane probably won't make it.
- We're waiting for Peg.
- Okay.
You girls haven't changed a bit.
Peg.
Elka! Mamie! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Who the hell are you? Oh, I don't care.
Mamie.
Oh! Oh, Elka! Oh! Angie! Oh! Wait a minute.
Did I like you? You always said you did.
Well, I'm a pathological liar.
Well, in that same spirit, I always liked you.
Too bad Diane couldn't make it.
Yeah.
Someone's at our table.
Hello, Globs! Looks like she made it after all.
Okay, ladies, this wine's gonna take about 20 minutes to breathe.
Look at us back together.
Oh.
Let's see, Elka was the bombshell, I was the legs, Diane was the brains No.
And Mamie Sue was the ditz.
No, you were the bombshell, Diane was the legs, and Mamie Sue was the ditz.
I was the legs.
Angie was the brains, and Mamie Sue was the ditz.
Well, the joke's on all of you.
You're not any of those things anymore, but I'm still ditzy.
Well, it's great to see you guys.
How did we let so many years go by? I know.
Because after we won the championship, the fame went to our heads, and you all became divas, which led to a very ugly breakup.
Thanks, Mamie Sue.
I think that was more of a rhetorical question.
Fame did not go to my head.
Oh, yeah? Who got the sponsor to cut the rest of us out of that Ovaltine commercial? He only wanted me.
Yeah, and after he had you, you were in, and we were out.
That's right.
You were the tramp.
No, Elka was the tramp.
Always backing up into a hand dryer, so it would blow her bowling skirt up.
That was an accident.
Every time.
At least I didn't leave for another team.
I just couldn't stand Diane and Angie always fighting.
Yeah, your fight ruined our chance at the Life magazine cover.
Yeah, that's what really broke up the team.
Yeah.
How come she got to be in the center of every picture? Because I had the smile.
Yeah, yeah, your smile was so big, it pushed the rest of us out of frame.
Better my smile than your hips.
Watch it, sunshine.
Watch that mouth.
She was just kidding.
You have always said catty things - Stop it, you guys! - Oh, there's lots of stuff It's 1963 all over again.
The wine needs 20 minutes to breathe, and I think we do too.
Why don't we take a break and get some fresh air? Mamie Sue, we're already outside.
Fine.
I'm going inside for some stale air.
Me too.
Me too.
Aren't you going? Why should I go? You go.
I'm not going anywhere.
Well, fine.
Neither am I.
- Fine.
- Fine.
We'll just sit here and say nothing to each other.
Nothing at all.
Not a thing.
Not a word.
Not one word.
Could that start now? Question.
Who are your top five Japanese directors? Only five? I will answer that excellent question as soon as we've ordered dinner.
And I am certainly not the type of person who would say, "Siri, who are the top five Japanese directors?" Let's see, what's good here? Huh.
I'm thinking about the duck.
So am I.
My date is a plastic surgeon.
Take a look at me right now.
This is the worst I'm ever gonna look.
We should introduce him to my date who has webbed hands.
What? You mean like a frog? Oh, sure, like a frog or a duck, a platypus, none of which would draw comment if we were dining in a pond.
Joy, how's your date? Hard to say.
- You're not sure? - No.
The words are literally hard to say.
He prefers Elka to me.
A 91-year-old woman to me.
Webbed hands.
Plastic surgeon.
Sorry.
It's really fun to win.
Okay, I just have to go out there and show him that I am a deep actress, who is unconcerned with superficial things, and just ignore the slight thwapping sound whenever he gestures.
I have got to show Robin that I'm just as desirable as a woman pushing 100.
Well, I just need to play it cool.
I can't let him know how much I want him to knock me out and cut me up.
'Cause that's third-date talk.
And there are so many exciting new ways to tease the film on social media.
There's Twitter, uh, podcasts, webisodes.
Please tell me more about your film.
The part of Nora really speaks to me.
Oh, I don't know.
She's a tortured, gritty character.
You're primarily known as a soap actress.
Oh, please, after the Woody Allen movie, people don't even think of me that way.
Hey! You're Honor St.
Raven.
You were on that soap.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm with the old broads, but they're fighting, so I'd rather sit with you and raggedy Andy here.
That's nice.
Wow, you don't see that every day.
Maybe it was a mistake to get the old gang together.
You can't escape the ghosts from the past.
That's from your poem.
Uh, "Midnight Lane.
" It touched my soul.
You know what poem touched my soul? Your poem, "Shadow Lights," in the New Yorker.
I saw the sun as a metaphor for all the radiant beauty that's just beyond our reach.
To be perfectly honest with you, the inspiration is right in front of me.
You can see the radiance.
Don't you, Joy? Yes.
But like the sun, it's it's best not to look directly at it.
Melanie, you're the peacemaker in your group.
What can I do to make the others get along? Mamie Sue, I'm I'm kind of in the middle of a date right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm being rude.
I'm Mamie Sue Johnson.
Dr.
Rex Swanson.
Doctor? What's your specialty? I'm a plastic surgeon.
Oh, Melanie, you must be so excited! A plastic surgeon is her number one dream date.
No.
What? Don't be silly, Mamie Sue.
Dr.
Swanson is just my date.
I have no interest in any new procedures or fillers or cutting-edge sculpting and lifting techniques that could make me look five to seven years younger with minimum recovery time.
Melanie, you're a beautiful woman.
I wouldn't change a thing.
Oh, you're very sweet.
Yeah, but just for fun, if I was to come in for a consultation, is there anything you might make just a little teensy bit better? I'm a monster! He marked things I never even noticed! Don't let that doctor see joy.
He'll run out of ink.
Oh, there's that beautiful soul I've heard so much about.
Joy, he's still a guy.
Hike up your skirt and show him how profound you are.
What are you all doing here? This is where we hang out when our birthdates are tanking.
Well, I came to the right place.
I don't want us to fight.
I don't want us to fight either.
I'm sorry I said all those awful things about you.
But you didn't.
Check your Facebook page.
Come on, chickens, it's wine time! Elka and I made up.
Oh, please, who even remembers what we fought about? That's a good attitude.
No, I honestly don't remember.
So we're all friends, but do you think Diane and Angie ever will be? How about we go drink that wine and find out? Plastic surgeon? Yep.
I had my boobs done last year.
No, I didn't.
- So.
- So.
This is ridiculous.
We both know the real reason the team broke up.
Yes, we do.
I showed up tonight hoping that we could let bygones be bygones, also hoping that you had gotten fat.
You stole my boyfriend, Diane.
He chased me.
You didn't have to let him catch you.
You two still married? No.
He was a putz.
- Hey, I taught you that word.
- Yes, you did.
You know, now that I think about it, he was a putz.
You may have done me a favor.
You're welcome.
And I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Maybe that's what all the tension was about.
Wow, that dress is as short as a haiku now.
I see what you're doing.
Oh, do you? You're a beautiful woman, but I don't value outward beauty much.
Perhaps that's because I'm so beautiful myself.
And did you recognize which scene was my homage to Eisenstein's Potemkin? Look, I I can't do this anymore.
I haven't understood one word you've said all night.
I don't know Japanese directors.
I'm not introspective or esoteric.
But I can do this part.
I swear I can.
Finally, that's the honesty I have been searching for.
This is exactly what the character needs.
Show me more of that honesty.
Deeper, darker.
Hurt me with it.
- I'm selfish.
- Yes.
- And I'm vain.
- Yes.
And I'm really freaked out by your webbed hands.
Well, that's just mean.
No more fighting? Yes, the past is the past.
Right, kid? You betcha.
We're all gonna talk nice to each other.
So um, do you have grandkids? Eight.
Almost all grown.
Oh, isn't that nice? It really is.
It really is.
No, it isn't.
It's boring.
This isn't us.
She's right.
We didn't come here for old lady chitchat.
We came here because we're champions.
We were pretty good.
What are you talking about? We were the best there ever was.
- That's right.
- A classic.
Every Saturday night, all eyes were on us.
That's true.
They even liked this one.
Well, I had sex appeal.
In fact, uh, I still do.
Really? Where do you keep it? The basement? Man.
Now, this is us.
Yeah, we had our differences, but we went out on top.
Yeah, just like my husband.
At least he died doing something he loved.
That's right cheating on me.
Aw.
That's gonna be us one day.
We should buy a bottle of wine and open it in 50 years.
I've got a better idea.
Let's buy a bottle of wine and open it tonight.
Victoria, I'm leaving.
I look forward to seeing your audition in Los Angeles.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I look forward to it as well.
You're so sweet.
Hey, director.
Why don't you do a show about us? Oh, that's a good idea! That would be great.
I'm sorry, I don't see it.
I'd like to make a toast to us.
To friendship.
To our championship seasons.
To us! Champions! Bowlers from heaven.