Lexx s04e23 Episode Script

Eunice Broadflower of Dunk, Missouri, has once again defeated all challengers in this year's international Marilyn Monroe lookalike contest, the judges citing her deeply plunging neckline as the clincher.
In other plunging news, the NASDAQ dropped for the fourth consecutive session.
Mass suicides in the business world are expected to follow shortly.
And, plunging appears to be the watchword of the day, as we receive reports that a giant asteroid has just plunged into the Pacific Ocean somewhere off the coast of Japan.
The subsequent tidal wave is expected to wipe out a number of nearby Pacific islands, causing considerable damage and loss of life.
Dr Ponts? You know Bob, I can't help but think that there must be a relationship between the unusual presence of alien carrots all over the planet this year, the unusual disappearance of Mars, Venus and Pluto, and now the unusual crash of a giant asteroid into the Pacific Ocean.
About the only thing not unusual is Eunice Broadflower's return triumph.
She was the crowd favourite, and certainly my own choice.
I predict that the tidal wave from this asteroid's impact will depress real estate prices in coastal communities, further undermining the already weak banking sector, which should increase the pressure on President Priest to return to work, in order to prop up the dollar.
And - most important to Americans, reverse the downward pressure on the NASDAQ.
In a word, the outlook is not pretty at all, but - Wasn't that one of those carrot things? Whoa.
That little blue planet's just a never-ending barrel of laughs, isn't it? asteroid that crashed into the ocean was in fact Lyekka's ship? I have scanned an endless stream of transmissions between the alien carrots and the asteroid.
It is definitely connected with Lyekka.
Kai, what do you think? I think that Lyekka is a dangerous predator, who will consume this entire universe unless she is stopped - by us.
OK, listen up, captain's orders: Kai, and Kai alone, goes down to Earth.
He retrieves the control unit from Vlad's cryopod, which shouldn't take long, and then he comes straight back here and we leave forever, never to return.
Captain's orders? Well, I am the captain, remember? - I'm going down there with Kai.
- Why?! - Lyekka.
- What about Lyekka? She tried to kill us.
Yeah, but she didn't.
We got away and we gotta stay away, from her and that stupid planet.
Lyekka is going to eat the Earth and then probably this whole universe.
Lyekka said that she was just gonna eat Japaneseland, not the whole planet.
And you believe that? We can take her on now, we can take her on later, but we definitely have to take her on sometime.
Xev, we can make this really simple, you know.
You two get the part for the cryopod, and then hustle straight back here.
Then, I blow up the planet.
Lyekka's gone, the carrots are gone, the universe is safe, everybody wins.
Except, all the people on Earth.
OK.
Now listen you two.
I'm officially warning you.
Do not - I mean, do not! - get caught up in whatever, down there on Earth, because if I see things going wrong - and they will - I will not hesitate to command the Lexx for the good of the universe to blow that planet up.
- Understood? - Understood, Stanley.
I will not drop in for long.
Aye.
This just in: Eunice Broadflower - yes, that Eunice Broadflower - died suddenly and horribly when the Marilyn Monroe lookalike contest runner-up threw gasoline on her and lit her on fire at the trophy presentation ceremony.
The assailant repeatedly screamed: "Some like it hot! Some" "like it hot!" as she was taken into custody and Let's check the weather.
The weather here, there and everywhere is not good.
But it is especially bad in Japan.
Prince.
- I could use the words "extreme - Well, that figures.
climate change" but this time I think "final destruction of the planet" is more appropriate.
Bad carrots have been up to their dirty deeds everywhere.
Mars, Venus, Pluto - disappeared from the sky.
Evil characters have been popping up in positions of power all over the place.
Pacific islands have just been inundated by a gigantic tidal wave.
Cats and dogs are sure to start raining from the skies soon.
And I'm not finished yet.
Never leave the Lexx.
Never leave the Lexx.
Never! - Are you sure it still works? - Yes.
Now do you want to go to the place where the asteroid went down, so that you can jump into the ocean and search for it? No.
The search area will be large, and I cannot move quickly in the water.
The time and effort would likely exhaust my protoblood, making the bottom of the Earth's ocean - my final tomb.
- So what do you think we should do? - I think, we should wait.
Hi there.
I'm Xev of B3K, this is Kai.
What's your name? Have you recently seen a woman named Lyekka, or any alien carrots, or any other unusual type of alien? Are you alive? Maybe he's dead.
He is alive.
Well, whatever he is, he's no help.
Come on, let's keep going.
Where to? Hmm, somewhere.
This part of Japan is close to where the asteroid landed.
It is as good a place as any to wait for Lyekka.
How long will that be? I do not know.
I'm going to explore.
What? Why not? I'm half Cluster lizard, and Cluster lizards are not good at waiting.
True, but exploration can take many forms.
Kai? Kai? I really don't wanna sit here.
Will you come with me? Please? Kai? OK.
I won't go far, and you don't go anywhere without me, alright? Promise? Good.
Hello! - Well, hello.
- Hi.
I'm Wyatt.
- Xev.
- Have you come seeking the Master? No.
My crew mate and I are waiting for Lyekka.
She's in the big asteroid thing that landed here in the ocean, near here, sort of.
A sad loss of life - for some, but not for others.
Why? Many of us do not see the end of life so much as a sad thing but as a joyful beginning.
Of what? - Of the next life, of course.
- Of course.
You should meet the Master.
What for? The Master can help you understand the immortal force that travels from one living vessel to the next.
What's that? Your spiritual self.
The part of you that lives on, the part of you that is reborn again and again and again, each time in a different vessel.
I've known people who have lived a few times, like Schlemmi, who first was on the Luvliner but then he died, and he became Fifi on the planet Fire, and then he was Farley on TV.
He was worried about liking men in a sexual way, until a carrot got him.
You've lived before, Xev.
- I have? - Yes, you have.
The Master can teach you about it.
He can feel into the past, into your past.
He can tell you who you were before.
- He can? - Yes, he can if you let go.
Of what? Of this passing life.
If you give yourself over to your spiritual vessel.
Reject the decadent ways of the West, Xev, and let the enlightened ways of the East heal your spirit.
Sounds great! Kai! Any sign of Lyekka yet? Listen, I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm going to the temple up the hill to meet the Master, so either I'll come back down when I'm done or you can meet me there when you've finished.
How does that sound? Great.
Bye.
Bye, Kai.
So, Xev, where are you from? A planet called B3K, - that's in the Light Zone.
- That's interesting.
Do your family know you're here, in Japan? My family? I don't have any family.
My parents put me in the wife bank when I was a baby, and they would have been killed anyway when the Mantrid drones destroyed B3K.
I'm alone.
All alone.
Forgive my bluntness, Xev, but I sense a great deal of pain in you.
Are you stricken with any physical illness or serious disease? No, of course not! I'm a love slave.
Love slaves are perfect.
See? Then your pain must be here, am I right? You could be.
I am right.
I am, because your pain, was my pain until I came here.
But the Master has since brought balance and joy to where there once was only anxiety and discontent.
Like me, you can supplant your inner anguish with inner peace, harmony and a sense of oneness with everyone and everything.
You can be saved, if you will.
- And the Master can do all that? - Yes.
He can.
Wow.
Simple entertainment for the simple minded.
I'm not listening.
- Bingo! - Bongo.
Dumb dumb time.
Guys, where are ya? What are those people carrying? I have no idea and no concern.
Whatever they have is part of their journey, not mine.
Think pleasant thoughts.
I'll try.
I apologise for disturbing your meditation, but I feel it necessary to warn you that you are surrounded by alien probes.
Your life is in extreme danger should they choose to enter your body, or otherwise to attack you.
I can eliminate them if you wish.
They are not living things, so their destruction should not run counter to any principles you may hold in that regard.
I suggest you take me up on my offer, if you have any concern for your own mortality.
Which apparently you do not.
Why have you not attacked him? Does he have a power that keeps you away? Approach the screen.
Closer.
You have known great pain, Xev.
Yes.
All my life.
I've never known any real happiness.
Your soul is a battleground of conflicting desires, both present and past.
Yes, it's true.
You seek love, but but do not find it.
You seek inner joy and harmony, but it is elusive.
You seek a soft nest to land in, but none is there for you.
I can help you, Xev.
You can? But I must warn you that the path to spiritual enlightenment may prove to be a long and difficult trail.
There are no half measures on such a journey.
Are you willing to commit your being to the hard road ahead? Yes, I will.
But Lyekka might show up and then I'll have to leave in a big hurry.
Your first true session will begin this afternoon.
Contemplate the garden.
Wyatt will summon you when I am ready.
Thank you, Master.
- Go now.
- Yes.
Thank you.
We got a hot one.
It's raining, it's pouring, the weather's crack whoring! I kid you not folks, the Earth's atmosphere has spread her legs, and absolutely anything can crawl inside.
It's Armageddon time! We have hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes all over the place.
Dozens of erupting volcanoes are filling the skies with ash.
There's hardly enough of the polar ice caps left to drop into a highball, and the hole in the ozone layer is nearly as big as the one in Stanley Tweedle's head! Hey! Ah, so you are paying attention.
Well, I try not to pay attention to you, Prince.
Well, you should.
There's a lot that I can tell you.
About what? Oh, things.
Things brewing.
Things afoot.
I know what's afoot.
It's big trouble of the alien kind, and I'm ready for it.
Ah! Really? Are you sure? I mean, you're not exactly captain courage, are you Stanley? Are you sure that you're not gonna just fall apart when the going gets tough, as you have so many times before? No, I won't! - He will.
- You shut up! Well we'll see, Stan.
Brave captain Stanley, we will soon see precisely what you are and are not made of.
The time is at hand.
Prepare yourself.
Prepare.
Kai, Xev, where are you?! Xev! Xev! Yes? It is time.
I saw more people carrying containers, they were loading them onto a boat.
- Really? - Yea.
As I said, we all have our own journey here at the temple and yours is about to begin.
- What's that? - In order for the temple to proceed, we require donations.
This document states that you are of your own free will donating all your earthly possessions to the temple.
You mean money? I don't have any, but I can get some at the bank machine.
We don't want your money from the bank machine.
The temple's needs are larger.
Just sign here.
Here? Oh.
- Hello.
- Hello.
How was your meditation? What meditation? My guts were aching, so I sat down here, and I guess I must have passed out.
It happens a lot these days.
Say, what the heck are those? Greetings, Xev, or should I say, Lady Xev? Since I touched you fragments of your past lives have come to me, and I have learned some things that might interest you.
Hmm.
I saw a vision of a castle, and you sitting on a jewel encrusted throne.
But you were not a queen.
You were a lady in the service of a wicked queen, and when she caught you sitting on her throne she had you beheaded.
Where was that? In Aba byssinia, I believe.
- Where's Abyssinia? - On the other side of the world.
You mean this planet, the Earth? But I grew up in the Light Zone, wouldn't my past lives have been there? I saw you in a library.
This was more recent - maybe less than 200 years ago.
Perhaps you were a scholar, or a poet - or more likely a cleaner.
How can that be? I was on the Lexx then, on my way to Fire and Water - or maybe already there.
I do remember, I was a singer.
Singing to lots and lots of happy people.
No.
The only singing you did was squealing like a pig in a cheap whorehouse.
- I did not! - You did, you didn't, it doesn't matter.
You see, the truth is, Xev, whatever you were in your past lives, you were the same gullible chick as you are in this one.
You're just another bad man.
I sold my television, my radio, everything, a long time ago to pay for the lessons with the Master, so I never heard of these carrot probes.
They usually enter people when they encounter them - but not you.
Nor you.
I am dead, and of little interest to them.
- Nor am I.
- You are also dead? No.
Not yet.
- Not quite, anyway.
- Then what is it that keeps them at bay? I don't know.
I think it's more likely because my poop chute is sewn shut.
Your poop chute? I'm stapled and stitched.
There's no exit through the back door.
I do not understand.
I was one of the first here, and before long I ran out of money for lessons.
I thought I was out of luck, until the Master got the idea of his students donating unnecessary distracting organs which he sells to the medical community.
Pretty well half of my body's been harvested now.
Maybe the carrots figured that out, and that's why they were not interested in me.
This is my gall bladder.
Pancreas, my heart, and my liver.
And I call this my bliss bag.
The only downside to surrendering my inside is that I sometime pass out for long periods of time, like just now.
Two jugs of sake I had last night didn't help either.
But, I have never been happier.
The Master is good, the Master is wise.
The Master has guided me to the top of the mountain, and joy is mine.
I would like to see this Master myself.
Good for you.
Meet him, and you'll never be the same.
Nor will he, I suspect.
And Yes? Absolutely, a great specimen.
She's got everything - well, everything except relatives, that is.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
Her guts are a gold mine.
Going for the full harvest: eyes, breast, kidneys, lungs, heart, skin, hair.
Yeah.
We can finally get caught up on those back orders.
Yeah, I'm happy too.
Yeah.
Later, Tony.
Bye.
Hey, you're awake.
That's quite the constitution you got there, cash cow.
You inhaled enough gas to knock out a team of horses for a week.
It'd be less painful if you stayed unconscious, but that's your problem, not mine.
You know, I'll cut 'em as I get 'em.
Don't be so upset.
This is just your troubled soul's shortcut to Nirvana.
Nirvana! In the form of a giant woman from the sea! As the Master said - sort of.
(Japanese talking) Where is the Master? (Japanese answer) Lots of old, sick, rich people around these days, and there's a lot more money to be made in selling them new organs than fixing up their old ones.
Soon as I figured out that when I quit medical school.
Besides, my bedside manner was never very good, if you catch my drift.
Oh, I'd recommend lying as still as possible, but I understand if that's a a little tough to do.
It's like I always say, Xev.
You may not find inner peace, but you can always find inner pieces.
I forgot to tell you something.
And what is that? I'm not all human.
Well, that goes for the both of us.
- Kai.
- Hello, Xev.
- Were you having a problem? - Yes, I was until Lyekka stepped in.
Oh, no.
This is a tasty planet.
- I like it.
- What do we do now? We go after her.
Stan, this is Xev, talk to us.
- I'm here, Xev, what's up? - Lyekka's up.
I mean, she's way up.
She's huge and she's stomping all over Japan.
Well, she said she'd eat Japan.
Look, look - do you have the replacement cryopod control unit? - Yes.
- Well, then come on back so that we can leave.
What about Lyekka? If Lyekka breaks her word, then then we can blow the planet up from a safe distance and that will take care of her.
No, Kai is going to try - to get her from down here.
- Xev, you come back.
Right now.
We will come back.
Soon.
I'm telling you: do not expect me to be here if you do not come back to the Lexx right now! If you make the choice to leave without us, Stan, you must destroy the planet, and destroy Lyekka.
Look, I just want you to come back to the Lexx! We will not do that.
We're going to try to defeat Lyekka without killing everyone else on the planet.
Then I am leaving.
Goodbye, Stan.
I will leave.
I'm just gonna leave without 'em.
- No, you will not.
- Watch me.
Upon viewing the court videotape of himself in bed with four prostitutes, the mayor stated: "What can I say? I'm horny for hoes.
" In NASDAQ news Holy cow! News flash.
A giant woman - a very beautiful giant woman - is at this very moment stomping all over Tokyo, causing an orgy of destruction.
We take you live to our correspondent in Japan, Danny Trevello.
Yum yum! Carnage and chaos reign supreme here in Tokyo, as the monster continues to carve a swath of destruction through the city.
Oh, Lyekka.
She's after my Kai.
Blow up the planet! For a rampaging monster she sure is gorgeous.
I'm with you there, buddy.
I know that offers little consolation to the legions of Japanese people now being crushed to death by the monster but wow, is she hot! - Yum yum! - Is she looking at us? We'll get right back to the scene, courtesy of er somebody else.
Well, things are definitely heating up in old Japaneseland.
Is there help in sight? Well, there is a small chance that a nearby weak disturbance will move in and push the storm away.
But, more likely it will simply lose its nerve and fizzle out before it gets here.
That's what this kind of system usually does.
You're wrong there, Prince.
Stan, we can see Lyekka.
She's in a big city called Tokyo.
Er, Kai, do you think you can get rid of her? I am not certain.
Then you better stay away from there, because Stan the man is gonna rescue Japan.
Really? - And how are you going to do that? - Well, I'll have tell the Lexx to fire just a little shot, just the size of the city Tokyo.
He's done it before.
When he was really, really hungry.
Now that he's eaten Holland, he's probably going to blow up the whole planet.
OK, Lexx, can you fire just a little, tiny, small just a little shot the size of that city named Tokyo? I don't know, Stanley.
I like to blow up planets, but I can try if you like.
Not yet.
OK? Soon.
Japan is so tasty.
Yum, yum, yum! More please.
Lexx, are we there yet? - Yes, I am, Stan.
- Xev? Yes? I'm now over Tokyo.
I'm about to tell the Lexx to blow the city up.
I'm giving you one last chance to get out.
Or not.
I don't care.
Kai won't be hurt.
- Stan, wait! - No! I'm taking Lyekka out, right now.
- Lexx, I command you to - Don't Stanley, don't do it, please.
Lyekka! Wha, what?! How can you ? Wha ph Wait just a second here.
Don't kill me Stanley.
I beg you.
How can you be here? You're stomping all over Tokyo.
No, Stan.
I mean yes, Stan.
One of my sisters is the Lyekka in that tasty city.
But not me.
I am the real Lyekka.
- The Lyekka that likes you.
- She's messing with your mind! Not that there's much to mess with.
Shoot! Who cares about Tokyo or the Earth, Stan? The only thing in this universe that's important is us - you and me.
I like you, Stanley.
- And you like me, don't you? - Well, yeah, yeah, I do.
So forget about the Earth and all its fat and greasy, tasty people.
Think about us and how good we are together.
No, you're just saying that - that.
I do like you but you - but you're bad.
I am bad Stan, but so are you, and that's why we love each other.
I do love you Stan.
- Oh, Lyekka.
- Oh, Stan.
Oh, pukefest.
My tummy feels terrific.
Stan, what are you doing up there? You said you were gonna fire.
Stan? Stan, answer me! Something isn't right there.
You will be my king and I your queen.
I want to make love to you and eat tasty things all day long.
You're just trying to trick me.
You're smooth round the bend, remember? You're just trying to distract me while you eat the Earth and then every planet everywhere.
You're not Lyekka.
Lyekka's dead.
You're just a monster who's pretending to be Lyekka.
I'm all yours, Stanley.
Everything I am is all yours.
Oh.
There.
How are you going to fight her? Divine Assassins are very resourceful.
- That's close enough! - Kai ! - Get well away as soon as I am out.
- Good luck, Kai! I'm still hungry.
Stanley, where are you?! You're not just saying those things, you're not just teasing me? Oh no, Stanley.
I can't live without you.
- I tried, but I can't.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I admit there is something between us - even if it is completely strange.
I never felt anything for anybody the way I feel about you, - even if you really are bad.
- Yes, I am bad.
Tell me more, Lyekka.
Tasty human pie.
I want to kiss you.
I want to caress you.
I wanna eat, and eat, and eat, and eat, and eat until I - Whoa.
What was that? - No thing? Die? And squeeze, and hug, - and explore - Lyekka? Something's not right.
I know that.
I want - Lyekka?! - to Stan! No doubt about it - it's just not Japan's day.
Tokyo is once again under attack, this time from - can this be right? - a giant asteroid on legs.
Well, if that doesn't beat all.
Not much media is left alive in Tokyo, but we are still able to take you to the scene.
Oh, no, that's what I call a Lexx-sized target! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Remember, just one short sharp blast at that big thing that sticks out of the planet there.
Ready, aim, hold it, hold it OK, fire, Lexx, fire now! Ha, ha! Ha, ha! Yahoo! Yeah, we got it! We did it, we did it! - Well done, captain.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Good shot, Lexx.
Clear skies, clear skies everywhere.
It's a wonderful day to be alive, the storm clouds have passed.
But, you never can tell when more are going to roll in, - can you? - Spoilsport! We're done here.
OK, Lexx, time to turn yourself around.
As you command, Stan.
Let's get outta here, once and for all.
Good idea.
found on The Memory Catacombs