M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e23 Episode Script
G516 - Deluge
[Applause.]
[Announcer.]
Here he is at Plymouth, England with this to say about our G.
I.
's in Korea.
Now, I have not the knowledge to enable me to predict how this Korean fighting will end.
But But let me here express our admiration for the daring and skill with which the handful of American soldiers three or four battalions at most who have as yet been brought into action in Korea have fought their delaying action against overwhelming odds.
I really wasn't expecting more wounded! General MacArthur said the fighting would be over by Christmas.
He didn't say what year.
He was referring to the fighting between himself and Mrs.
MacArthur.
She's got a different idea on how the war should be run.
- This is not a war.
It's a police action.
- Why didn't they send cops? [Announcer.]
A night rendezvous inside Wonsan Harbor with a stubborn Communist fort.
A spectacular display of rocket firepower.
Look, Colonel.
A hospital's got to know what to expect.
If there's a push on, give me some warning.
We're both in the same war, you know.
I'm not over here because I'm such a fan of diarrhea.
Now if you hear any Hello? Colonel? Colonel.
- Creeps.
- Who, sir? Colonels.
You can't trust'em.
They're this far from making general.
They can taste those stars.
They'll do anything to get 'em.
Never mind if they don't deserve 'em if they don't know their brass from their elbows.
Captains and majors are okay.
They're too far away.
They don't have to make points.
And generals usually relax once they've made it although I had one in the cavalry ordered all horses corked before parades.
- Is that a beak? - Uh, it's chicken, sir.
It's sort of a beak stew.
- That's surplus.
- Yes, sir.
Take it away.
I sent this dinner back in World War II.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Ambulance to the upper helipad.
Ambulance to the pad.
Incoming wounded.
South Korean infantry.
South Koreans are getting younger.
[Potter.]
Complain to Syngman Rhee.
#Ah, sweet Syngman Rhee of life at last I found you # [Frank.]
Can the balloon juice, Pierce! Close.
Bad belly wound.
Got an arterial pumper.
- Need some help? - You bet.
- Get me some gloves.
- Lap sponge.
Clamp.
I'll try to expose the bleeder.
I've been around overseas at different times, visiting our boys.
They're a swell lot doing a wonderful job to protect us here at home.
Many of them get wounded or suffer from loss of blood, shock.
And blood or blood plasma given in the field means life itself.
Yes, just that.
Please, don't let those army, navy airmen and marines down.
Have a heart.
Give some blood.
- Ow.
Ah! - Father, irrigate his eye.
- B.
J.
, you okay? - [Potter.]
I've got it, B.
J.
- Talk about your bloodshot eyes.
- [Hawkeye.]
Retract that.
Excellent.
A page-one retraction.
Ah.
Ah, that's better.
Thanks.
Pretty good with your hands, kid.
Can you get me a tracheotomy at the Garden? Let's try a couple of hernias out of town first.
Get all their personal possessions, Corporal.
Make sure they get a receipt and file copies of your copy in triplicate.
[Sighs.]
Major, I done this a hundred times.
I write to my mother in triplicate.
I got triplicate on the brain.
Somebody wants change for a ten, I give 'em three fives.
- Get moving.
- Yes, ma'am, times three.
- Hey, Major, I already gave my things.
- What? - My personal effects, right? - Yes.
I already gave 'em to some guy outside.
Tsk! You've been robbed, soldier.
A wounded soldier robbed in the middle of a war.
I don't know what's happening to this army.
Me either.
That does it for me.
One more week, and I'm through! [Announcer.]
At Laramie, the chief executive speaks to the students at the University of Wyoming.
It's a fatherly talk.
I hope you will all make the most of your opportunities here to fit yourselves to be good citizens of the United States the greatest republic the world has ever seen.
[Man.]
Father, you got a second? - Are you all right? - That's my problem.
I'm all right.
Least the doctor said I was.
I don't think I understand.
When I got hit on the line I thought for sure I was gonna die.
I had no idea they was gonna pick me up and fix me so fast.
Well, we have the fastest docs in the West.
Yeah, well, the thing of it is when I was out there layin' there, not knowin' I made a promise to God.
I said, "Dear God, you get me out of this, and I'll become a priest.
" And he got you out of it.
And I don't wanna be a priest.
You think he'll understand? If everyone who promised to take the vow in a moment of stress made good there'd be so many of us around it'd look like the priesthood had had a population explosion.
Let me put that another way.
He'll understand.
[Laughs.]
Ah, thanks for letting me chew your ear, Father.
That's what they're there for.
- Got a chest or a belly wound? - Legs.
You can have a beer.
Compliments of the doctors.
- I'd rather have some scotch.
- You're too young to drink.
You're lucky you didn't have to show your I.
D.
To get shot.
Clean out the sink.
In the middle of a war, I couldn't care less who wins.
For my money, I'll give you Red China and six points or the other way around, and now they got me scrubbin' sinks.
It's crazy, right? No.
Being in is sane.
You know my problem? I played hard to get.
You do that, and the army's got to have you.
Kid from my neighborhood really nuts Archie Jagloff.
He fell into a sewer when he was little.
He was always a little jerky after that.
Grew up to be a Nazi.
No kiddin'.
Tried to volunteer, join up.
Couldn't wait to come here, drop anything from an "A" bomb to a "Z" bomb.
The army turned him down said he had flat feet.
You know how he got flat feet? Goose-steppin' in his basement.
Me they had to have.
I said I was nuts.
They said, "What's your religion?" I said, "Aztec.
" They said, "Stop joking.
" I said, "Bring me a virgin.
I'll cut her heart out.
" They looked into my ears.
I said, "Ah.
" They said, "Stick out your tongue.
" I pulled down my pants.
They called in the psychiatrist.
I kissed him on the mouth.
Know what the guy in charge said? "Keep this up, and we'll make you an officer.
" [Man.]
Right through here.
Watch the door.
[Man.]
Right through here.
Watch the door.
- Is it clean? - [Klinger.]
You gonna operate in the sink? [B.
J.
.]
We have to work underwater.
He's got phosphorus burns.
It's in the tissues.
If it hits the air, it can ignite.
Next thing, you got G.
I.
Flambe.
The guy could catch on fire? Wow.
- We're gonna need more sulfa.
- We're low on sulfa.
We've got enough saltpeter for World War IX.
- Does that stuff really work? - Search me, fella.
- What's happening? - Cleaning the wound.
Debriding the necrotic or loose tissue.
I don't know how you guys do it.
Helps a little if you think you're God.
Over there.
All right.
I think that's all.
Copper sulfate.
This stuff coats and neutralizes the little bits of phosphorous that might still be in the leg.
- It helps to see where they are.
- How do you keep all that stuff in your head? - You wear earplugs so it doesn't leak out.
- Turn off the lights.
Observe, Klinger.
[B.
J.
.]
The solution fluoresces, and we take out whatever shines.
[Hawkeye.]
Like so.
And so.
And thus.
And this.
Lights.
- And the sulfa.
- Here.
- We'll leave the wound open.
Get him a bed.
- Right.
Boy, seeing the way you guys work with the wounded the way you deal with burned-up legs, ripped-up bellies makes me proud every time I throw up.
[Announcer.]
A mop-up expedition directed at rooting out a band of Vietminh Red terrorists who have made the swamp their hideout.
Another Asian country brought to violence and bloodshed by Communist conspirators who have to be flushed like rats.
Take good care of him, Doc.
- Friend of yours, Radar? - Somebody said he's from Iowa.
He's not from Iowa anymore.
Litter! Gloves.
I can't believe the traffic.
- One short, Doctor.
- Don't tell me.
No.
You used 11 sponges, and we've only removed 10.
- Hotshot left a sponge in.
- Not now, Major.
What's the matter with the big honcho? Losing his touch? - Knock it off, Burns.
- I just wanna see if Dr.
Perfect takes it as well as he dishes it out.
One more word, Frank, and I'll button your lip to your fly.
[Explosion.]
- That was close.
- One of our mines.
Weather changes set 'em off.
- Are you sure about that sponge count? - Yes, Doctor.
Amazing what can get stuck in the human body.
My sister-in-law Rose swallowed a dried apricot at her bridge club.
Ten minutes later, she drank a glass of water.
The fruit expanded to its original size, lodged in her duodenum.
They rushed her to the hospital called me and I had to perform an "apricotectomy.
" - A little suction.
- [Helicopter Whirring.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
According to supreme headquarters the Army of the People's Republic of China has hit and ruptured the entire United Nations line.
The Chinese have attacked with 33 divisions.
That's, uh, 300,000 men, folks.
According to headquarters, we now face an entirely new war.
That's for those of you who were tired of the old one.
- Doctor.
- Oh, good.
[Speaks Chinese.]
That's Chinese for "thank you.
" No sense wasting time.
[Whirring Continues.]
##["Tennessee Waltz".]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
- Radar? - Here.
- Have the nurse start some plasma, stat! - Lieutenant Gage! There are four other MASHes.
Call to see if they can give us some help.
- I got it.
- They're flocking in here like we got a white sale.
- X rays.
- Lieutenant, litter number one.
We want plasma, stat.
Okay, you can sit on a bench out there.
Don't run any races.
I found this in his pocket.
He was going on leave tomorrow, to Tokyo.
And so he will.
[Cheering.]
[General MacArthur.]
Again, my thanks and deepest appreciation from both Mrs.
MacArthur and myself for your heartwarming reception.
We shall never forget it.
You have made us feel that we are indeed home.
I, for one, am glad the Chinese have finally gotten into the show.
- We'll obliterate them all.
- All 600 million, Frank? Most of'em don't wanna be Reds anyway.
- Then why kill 'em? - Well, they can't have it both ways.
[Announcer.]
The people are here to watch famous folk in the National Celebrities Golf Tournament in Washington.
And Milton Berle clowns with Danny Kaye.
- Now look at me.
Look at me.
- [Screams.]
Easy does it, Danny Boy.
- Burns.
- Sir? Be sure not to sew up any contaminated wounds.
Is the colonel suggesting my work is careless? Not at all.
I just know how hard it is to operate and be secretary of state at the same time.
Now Danny addresses the ball, and it turns out to be the wrong address.
And here comes Bob Hope, the casual and clever comedian contriving to perform a putt with pool-like perfection.
How about that? Um, sir, are you busy? Just putting a new hinge on this bladder, Radar.
- What is it? - Uh, cook wants to know how you feel about the dinner.
- Mostly nauseous.
- It's just that he's got some wounded in the mess tent and he's not sure what to do.
Did you call about the plasma? - The lines are all jammed.
- Unjam 'em.
- Yes, sir.
- [B.
J.
.]
Radar.
- What happened to your glasses? - Oh, I slipped and fell on the bus.
- It's kind of bloody.
- Can you see? Oh, yes, sir.
Everything just a few times more than I'm used to.
I sort of know how a fly feels.
- Get on the plasma, Radar.
- I'll get on the plasma.
Hey, put out that cigarette.
There's a lot of ether in there.
- Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella.
- And I'm a captain, fella which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you.
- So put it out.
- Sorry, sir.
This area is only for hospital personnel.
- I got a buddy in there.
- Everybody's got a buddy in there.
We'll keep you posted.
Let you know the minute it's a boy or a girl.
Hi, Dusty.
Yeah, it's Radar.
Oh, I'm fine.
Well, not really.
I'm closer to lousy than fine.
Listen, Dusty.
We got a terrible plasma problem here.
No, plasma.
Yeah.
All of our stock is over 21 days old.
We're not supposed to use it then.
- H-How's your outfit fixed? - [Thunder Rumbling.]
No kidding.
Hey, listen.
Maybe we can make a swap then, huh? Let me get my quartermaster sheet out here.
Hey, we got rain here.
You too? Wonder why the army ordered that.
Okay.
Hold on now.
Listen.
This is gonna be a little rough, Dusty.
I broke my glasses, and it's like looking through an ice cube.
Uh, how would you like some, uh Wait a minute.
Hey, would you like some jeep butter? No.
No.
That's, uh Uh, jeep batteries.
We got two extra.
No, huh? Well, let's see.
We got Bunsen burners, throat swabs.
Hey! You can't pass this up.
The quartermaster made a mistake and sent us 5,000 extra rolls of toilet paper.
Yeah.
Well, I know it's a lot but maybe you could start your own newspaper.
Colonel Potter, I want to see you.
One step closer, and you'll get the whole picture.
I just heard something disturbing, and if it's true I'm afraid I'm going to have to fight you.
- You might at least let me get into my trunks.
- It can't wait.
Well, fire ahead then.
Is it true you might ship us out the nurses? Major, the Chinese are pouring over the border like the country's sprung a leak.
It's a drastic situation.
The nurses have to be evacuated.
- Colonel, you don't understand.
- It won't be the first time.
The service is my life.
I was born in an army hospital.
- Started in khaki diapers, eh? - Mother and I followed Dad to every army post he was assigned to Benning, Ord, Dix, Kilmer.
The army was all I knew.
I had no idea what a civilian was.
I thought it was somebody waiting for his uniform to come back from the cleaners.
When I was five, I had a crying fit because they wouldn't let me have a crew cut.
I was born to serve, Colonel.
You must let me! I'd rather not have the nurses in the path of the fighting.
I can look after my girls.
- Things could get ugly.
- [Explosion.]
Uglier than our own mines trying to kill me? Uglier than rats mating in my duffel bag? I get your point.
[Announcer.]
Arriving in New York, Rita Hayworth film queen who became a real-life princess by marrying the heir of the fabulous Aga Kahn.
You know, the first thing I'm going to do is go out and get myself a hot dog.
I'd like to give you about 20 more sutures, pal but business is just too good.
Okay, Lieutenant, he's ready to reenlist.
- Fresh gloves.
Somebody, please.
- All out, sir.
- I beg your pardon.
- That's it for the gloves.
They're torn, shot, finished, eighty-sixed.
How can a hospital run out? How can we operate without gloves? [Announcer.]
Meet Dagwood, a female feline featuring prodigious prowess at Ping-Pong in Portland, Oregon.
The amazing mouser reveals fantastic finesse.
Dagwood is just purring along.
The eight-year-old tabby can really volley, by golly.
And the score is now one-itch.
Dagwood, you're really the cat's whiskers.
How about 400 thermometers? Oh, they make nice Christmas decorations.
You know, they look like little icicles.
Oh.
Well, wait a minute.
We'll find something.
Hey! Hey.
You ever, uh, read The Tropic of Cancer or The Tropic of"Coppercan"? They're the books.
But I mean books.
Yeah.
They're published in, uh, France.
Yeah! Do I need to tell ya any more? They're really somethin'! No kidding.
They'll get you through the war without a leave.
Really? Ah, terrific! Yeah.
Okay.
How much plasma do l do I get? [Grunts.]
I'd hate it here without the nurses.
- They're the only reason I stay.
- This isn't bad.
- What is it? - You didn't know him, Father.
"A soldier of the legion lay dying in Algiers.
"It was a lack of woman's nursing.
There was a dearth of woman's tears.
" Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton.
- You know a lot of poetry.
- I went through school on a scholarship from Burma Shave.
- You know any? - I got a beaut, but not in front of the father.
[Sighs.]
Oh, Hawkeye.
You know, Father standing there with the light hitting you the way it does - Yes? - You look just like a "B" girl I knew in San Diego.
It's quite possible.
I worked my way through divinity school as a "B" girl in San Diego.
[Laughing.]
Oh, Father.
Look out, Dagwood.
Hey, I fell asleep.
- Where can I find my buddy? - Your buddy's got a name? - Bender.
Jack Bender.
- Try the hospital.
- Where's that? - Two doors down.
It's a beautiful white building with the statue of Lionel Barrymore in front.
Hit me with the alcohol, Margaret.
Barehanded surgery.
Now practicing the Tarzan School of Medicine.
[Thunderclap.]
Room seems to have a weak bladder.
- I smell something burning.
- I do hope it's not the crepes.
- Watch your language! - Clamp.
Criminy! Klinger, look at that! - How'd that happen? - How do I know? Douse it, will ya? Stand back.
- Hey, are you crazy? - I thought it was water.
- It's alcohol.
- Can you imagine what that does to your stomach? You moron! I have to do everything myself! The laundry is on fire.
I was wondering when things would get interesting.
- Is it under control? - Well, O'Reilly and Klinger are working on it.
- It'll be fine.
- Holy mackerel! - The blind leading the blind.
- [B.
J.
.]
Nice thought for a hospital, Frank.
[Hawkeye.]
Never at a loss for the wrong phrase.
Why don't we go outside where it's dry and work? Corpsman, another bucket here.
- Thank you, Major.
- [Bulb Pops.]
- Help! I'll get some light! - What happened! - Bulb got wet! Glass in the patient! - Father, more pickups.
- [Man.]
Pickups coming up.
- Thanks.
Colonel, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've had a better offer.
Take me with you.
The fire's out.
There's nothing to worry about.
Sandwiches - [Indistinct Shouting.]
- Cover the patients! [Radar.]
What are you doing? It took me three weeks to requisition that! - [Shouting Continues.]
- [Radar.]
Holy cow.
! [Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
By direction of the secretary of the army under AR220315 the Meritorious Unit Commendation is awarded to the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, 4077 unit for exceptionally meritorious conduct in the performance of outstanding services.
Despite the necessity of working in a forward area under adverse field conditions this hospital maintained the highest professional standards at all times.
The ability, loyalty and esprit de corps exhibited by this hospital reflects great credit on each and every member.
Just wanted to thank you for staying.
[Announcer.]
Here he is at Plymouth, England with this to say about our G.
I.
's in Korea.
Now, I have not the knowledge to enable me to predict how this Korean fighting will end.
But But let me here express our admiration for the daring and skill with which the handful of American soldiers three or four battalions at most who have as yet been brought into action in Korea have fought their delaying action against overwhelming odds.
I really wasn't expecting more wounded! General MacArthur said the fighting would be over by Christmas.
He didn't say what year.
He was referring to the fighting between himself and Mrs.
MacArthur.
She's got a different idea on how the war should be run.
- This is not a war.
It's a police action.
- Why didn't they send cops? [Announcer.]
A night rendezvous inside Wonsan Harbor with a stubborn Communist fort.
A spectacular display of rocket firepower.
Look, Colonel.
A hospital's got to know what to expect.
If there's a push on, give me some warning.
We're both in the same war, you know.
I'm not over here because I'm such a fan of diarrhea.
Now if you hear any Hello? Colonel? Colonel.
- Creeps.
- Who, sir? Colonels.
You can't trust'em.
They're this far from making general.
They can taste those stars.
They'll do anything to get 'em.
Never mind if they don't deserve 'em if they don't know their brass from their elbows.
Captains and majors are okay.
They're too far away.
They don't have to make points.
And generals usually relax once they've made it although I had one in the cavalry ordered all horses corked before parades.
- Is that a beak? - Uh, it's chicken, sir.
It's sort of a beak stew.
- That's surplus.
- Yes, sir.
Take it away.
I sent this dinner back in World War II.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Ambulance to the upper helipad.
Ambulance to the pad.
Incoming wounded.
South Korean infantry.
South Koreans are getting younger.
[Potter.]
Complain to Syngman Rhee.
#Ah, sweet Syngman Rhee of life at last I found you # [Frank.]
Can the balloon juice, Pierce! Close.
Bad belly wound.
Got an arterial pumper.
- Need some help? - You bet.
- Get me some gloves.
- Lap sponge.
Clamp.
I'll try to expose the bleeder.
I've been around overseas at different times, visiting our boys.
They're a swell lot doing a wonderful job to protect us here at home.
Many of them get wounded or suffer from loss of blood, shock.
And blood or blood plasma given in the field means life itself.
Yes, just that.
Please, don't let those army, navy airmen and marines down.
Have a heart.
Give some blood.
- Ow.
Ah! - Father, irrigate his eye.
- B.
J.
, you okay? - [Potter.]
I've got it, B.
J.
- Talk about your bloodshot eyes.
- [Hawkeye.]
Retract that.
Excellent.
A page-one retraction.
Ah.
Ah, that's better.
Thanks.
Pretty good with your hands, kid.
Can you get me a tracheotomy at the Garden? Let's try a couple of hernias out of town first.
Get all their personal possessions, Corporal.
Make sure they get a receipt and file copies of your copy in triplicate.
[Sighs.]
Major, I done this a hundred times.
I write to my mother in triplicate.
I got triplicate on the brain.
Somebody wants change for a ten, I give 'em three fives.
- Get moving.
- Yes, ma'am, times three.
- Hey, Major, I already gave my things.
- What? - My personal effects, right? - Yes.
I already gave 'em to some guy outside.
Tsk! You've been robbed, soldier.
A wounded soldier robbed in the middle of a war.
I don't know what's happening to this army.
Me either.
That does it for me.
One more week, and I'm through! [Announcer.]
At Laramie, the chief executive speaks to the students at the University of Wyoming.
It's a fatherly talk.
I hope you will all make the most of your opportunities here to fit yourselves to be good citizens of the United States the greatest republic the world has ever seen.
[Man.]
Father, you got a second? - Are you all right? - That's my problem.
I'm all right.
Least the doctor said I was.
I don't think I understand.
When I got hit on the line I thought for sure I was gonna die.
I had no idea they was gonna pick me up and fix me so fast.
Well, we have the fastest docs in the West.
Yeah, well, the thing of it is when I was out there layin' there, not knowin' I made a promise to God.
I said, "Dear God, you get me out of this, and I'll become a priest.
" And he got you out of it.
And I don't wanna be a priest.
You think he'll understand? If everyone who promised to take the vow in a moment of stress made good there'd be so many of us around it'd look like the priesthood had had a population explosion.
Let me put that another way.
He'll understand.
[Laughs.]
Ah, thanks for letting me chew your ear, Father.
That's what they're there for.
- Got a chest or a belly wound? - Legs.
You can have a beer.
Compliments of the doctors.
- I'd rather have some scotch.
- You're too young to drink.
You're lucky you didn't have to show your I.
D.
To get shot.
Clean out the sink.
In the middle of a war, I couldn't care less who wins.
For my money, I'll give you Red China and six points or the other way around, and now they got me scrubbin' sinks.
It's crazy, right? No.
Being in is sane.
You know my problem? I played hard to get.
You do that, and the army's got to have you.
Kid from my neighborhood really nuts Archie Jagloff.
He fell into a sewer when he was little.
He was always a little jerky after that.
Grew up to be a Nazi.
No kiddin'.
Tried to volunteer, join up.
Couldn't wait to come here, drop anything from an "A" bomb to a "Z" bomb.
The army turned him down said he had flat feet.
You know how he got flat feet? Goose-steppin' in his basement.
Me they had to have.
I said I was nuts.
They said, "What's your religion?" I said, "Aztec.
" They said, "Stop joking.
" I said, "Bring me a virgin.
I'll cut her heart out.
" They looked into my ears.
I said, "Ah.
" They said, "Stick out your tongue.
" I pulled down my pants.
They called in the psychiatrist.
I kissed him on the mouth.
Know what the guy in charge said? "Keep this up, and we'll make you an officer.
" [Man.]
Right through here.
Watch the door.
[Man.]
Right through here.
Watch the door.
- Is it clean? - [Klinger.]
You gonna operate in the sink? [B.
J.
.]
We have to work underwater.
He's got phosphorus burns.
It's in the tissues.
If it hits the air, it can ignite.
Next thing, you got G.
I.
Flambe.
The guy could catch on fire? Wow.
- We're gonna need more sulfa.
- We're low on sulfa.
We've got enough saltpeter for World War IX.
- Does that stuff really work? - Search me, fella.
- What's happening? - Cleaning the wound.
Debriding the necrotic or loose tissue.
I don't know how you guys do it.
Helps a little if you think you're God.
Over there.
All right.
I think that's all.
Copper sulfate.
This stuff coats and neutralizes the little bits of phosphorous that might still be in the leg.
- It helps to see where they are.
- How do you keep all that stuff in your head? - You wear earplugs so it doesn't leak out.
- Turn off the lights.
Observe, Klinger.
[B.
J.
.]
The solution fluoresces, and we take out whatever shines.
[Hawkeye.]
Like so.
And so.
And thus.
And this.
Lights.
- And the sulfa.
- Here.
- We'll leave the wound open.
Get him a bed.
- Right.
Boy, seeing the way you guys work with the wounded the way you deal with burned-up legs, ripped-up bellies makes me proud every time I throw up.
[Announcer.]
A mop-up expedition directed at rooting out a band of Vietminh Red terrorists who have made the swamp their hideout.
Another Asian country brought to violence and bloodshed by Communist conspirators who have to be flushed like rats.
Take good care of him, Doc.
- Friend of yours, Radar? - Somebody said he's from Iowa.
He's not from Iowa anymore.
Litter! Gloves.
I can't believe the traffic.
- One short, Doctor.
- Don't tell me.
No.
You used 11 sponges, and we've only removed 10.
- Hotshot left a sponge in.
- Not now, Major.
What's the matter with the big honcho? Losing his touch? - Knock it off, Burns.
- I just wanna see if Dr.
Perfect takes it as well as he dishes it out.
One more word, Frank, and I'll button your lip to your fly.
[Explosion.]
- That was close.
- One of our mines.
Weather changes set 'em off.
- Are you sure about that sponge count? - Yes, Doctor.
Amazing what can get stuck in the human body.
My sister-in-law Rose swallowed a dried apricot at her bridge club.
Ten minutes later, she drank a glass of water.
The fruit expanded to its original size, lodged in her duodenum.
They rushed her to the hospital called me and I had to perform an "apricotectomy.
" - A little suction.
- [Helicopter Whirring.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
According to supreme headquarters the Army of the People's Republic of China has hit and ruptured the entire United Nations line.
The Chinese have attacked with 33 divisions.
That's, uh, 300,000 men, folks.
According to headquarters, we now face an entirely new war.
That's for those of you who were tired of the old one.
- Doctor.
- Oh, good.
[Speaks Chinese.]
That's Chinese for "thank you.
" No sense wasting time.
[Whirring Continues.]
##["Tennessee Waltz".]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
- Radar? - Here.
- Have the nurse start some plasma, stat! - Lieutenant Gage! There are four other MASHes.
Call to see if they can give us some help.
- I got it.
- They're flocking in here like we got a white sale.
- X rays.
- Lieutenant, litter number one.
We want plasma, stat.
Okay, you can sit on a bench out there.
Don't run any races.
I found this in his pocket.
He was going on leave tomorrow, to Tokyo.
And so he will.
[Cheering.]
[General MacArthur.]
Again, my thanks and deepest appreciation from both Mrs.
MacArthur and myself for your heartwarming reception.
We shall never forget it.
You have made us feel that we are indeed home.
I, for one, am glad the Chinese have finally gotten into the show.
- We'll obliterate them all.
- All 600 million, Frank? Most of'em don't wanna be Reds anyway.
- Then why kill 'em? - Well, they can't have it both ways.
[Announcer.]
The people are here to watch famous folk in the National Celebrities Golf Tournament in Washington.
And Milton Berle clowns with Danny Kaye.
- Now look at me.
Look at me.
- [Screams.]
Easy does it, Danny Boy.
- Burns.
- Sir? Be sure not to sew up any contaminated wounds.
Is the colonel suggesting my work is careless? Not at all.
I just know how hard it is to operate and be secretary of state at the same time.
Now Danny addresses the ball, and it turns out to be the wrong address.
And here comes Bob Hope, the casual and clever comedian contriving to perform a putt with pool-like perfection.
How about that? Um, sir, are you busy? Just putting a new hinge on this bladder, Radar.
- What is it? - Uh, cook wants to know how you feel about the dinner.
- Mostly nauseous.
- It's just that he's got some wounded in the mess tent and he's not sure what to do.
Did you call about the plasma? - The lines are all jammed.
- Unjam 'em.
- Yes, sir.
- [B.
J.
.]
Radar.
- What happened to your glasses? - Oh, I slipped and fell on the bus.
- It's kind of bloody.
- Can you see? Oh, yes, sir.
Everything just a few times more than I'm used to.
I sort of know how a fly feels.
- Get on the plasma, Radar.
- I'll get on the plasma.
Hey, put out that cigarette.
There's a lot of ether in there.
- Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella.
- And I'm a captain, fella which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you.
- So put it out.
- Sorry, sir.
This area is only for hospital personnel.
- I got a buddy in there.
- Everybody's got a buddy in there.
We'll keep you posted.
Let you know the minute it's a boy or a girl.
Hi, Dusty.
Yeah, it's Radar.
Oh, I'm fine.
Well, not really.
I'm closer to lousy than fine.
Listen, Dusty.
We got a terrible plasma problem here.
No, plasma.
Yeah.
All of our stock is over 21 days old.
We're not supposed to use it then.
- H-How's your outfit fixed? - [Thunder Rumbling.]
No kidding.
Hey, listen.
Maybe we can make a swap then, huh? Let me get my quartermaster sheet out here.
Hey, we got rain here.
You too? Wonder why the army ordered that.
Okay.
Hold on now.
Listen.
This is gonna be a little rough, Dusty.
I broke my glasses, and it's like looking through an ice cube.
Uh, how would you like some, uh Wait a minute.
Hey, would you like some jeep butter? No.
No.
That's, uh Uh, jeep batteries.
We got two extra.
No, huh? Well, let's see.
We got Bunsen burners, throat swabs.
Hey! You can't pass this up.
The quartermaster made a mistake and sent us 5,000 extra rolls of toilet paper.
Yeah.
Well, I know it's a lot but maybe you could start your own newspaper.
Colonel Potter, I want to see you.
One step closer, and you'll get the whole picture.
I just heard something disturbing, and if it's true I'm afraid I'm going to have to fight you.
- You might at least let me get into my trunks.
- It can't wait.
Well, fire ahead then.
Is it true you might ship us out the nurses? Major, the Chinese are pouring over the border like the country's sprung a leak.
It's a drastic situation.
The nurses have to be evacuated.
- Colonel, you don't understand.
- It won't be the first time.
The service is my life.
I was born in an army hospital.
- Started in khaki diapers, eh? - Mother and I followed Dad to every army post he was assigned to Benning, Ord, Dix, Kilmer.
The army was all I knew.
I had no idea what a civilian was.
I thought it was somebody waiting for his uniform to come back from the cleaners.
When I was five, I had a crying fit because they wouldn't let me have a crew cut.
I was born to serve, Colonel.
You must let me! I'd rather not have the nurses in the path of the fighting.
I can look after my girls.
- Things could get ugly.
- [Explosion.]
Uglier than our own mines trying to kill me? Uglier than rats mating in my duffel bag? I get your point.
[Announcer.]
Arriving in New York, Rita Hayworth film queen who became a real-life princess by marrying the heir of the fabulous Aga Kahn.
You know, the first thing I'm going to do is go out and get myself a hot dog.
I'd like to give you about 20 more sutures, pal but business is just too good.
Okay, Lieutenant, he's ready to reenlist.
- Fresh gloves.
Somebody, please.
- All out, sir.
- I beg your pardon.
- That's it for the gloves.
They're torn, shot, finished, eighty-sixed.
How can a hospital run out? How can we operate without gloves? [Announcer.]
Meet Dagwood, a female feline featuring prodigious prowess at Ping-Pong in Portland, Oregon.
The amazing mouser reveals fantastic finesse.
Dagwood is just purring along.
The eight-year-old tabby can really volley, by golly.
And the score is now one-itch.
Dagwood, you're really the cat's whiskers.
How about 400 thermometers? Oh, they make nice Christmas decorations.
You know, they look like little icicles.
Oh.
Well, wait a minute.
We'll find something.
Hey! Hey.
You ever, uh, read The Tropic of Cancer or The Tropic of"Coppercan"? They're the books.
But I mean books.
Yeah.
They're published in, uh, France.
Yeah! Do I need to tell ya any more? They're really somethin'! No kidding.
They'll get you through the war without a leave.
Really? Ah, terrific! Yeah.
Okay.
How much plasma do l do I get? [Grunts.]
I'd hate it here without the nurses.
- They're the only reason I stay.
- This isn't bad.
- What is it? - You didn't know him, Father.
"A soldier of the legion lay dying in Algiers.
"It was a lack of woman's nursing.
There was a dearth of woman's tears.
" Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton.
- You know a lot of poetry.
- I went through school on a scholarship from Burma Shave.
- You know any? - I got a beaut, but not in front of the father.
[Sighs.]
Oh, Hawkeye.
You know, Father standing there with the light hitting you the way it does - Yes? - You look just like a "B" girl I knew in San Diego.
It's quite possible.
I worked my way through divinity school as a "B" girl in San Diego.
[Laughing.]
Oh, Father.
Look out, Dagwood.
Hey, I fell asleep.
- Where can I find my buddy? - Your buddy's got a name? - Bender.
Jack Bender.
- Try the hospital.
- Where's that? - Two doors down.
It's a beautiful white building with the statue of Lionel Barrymore in front.
Hit me with the alcohol, Margaret.
Barehanded surgery.
Now practicing the Tarzan School of Medicine.
[Thunderclap.]
Room seems to have a weak bladder.
- I smell something burning.
- I do hope it's not the crepes.
- Watch your language! - Clamp.
Criminy! Klinger, look at that! - How'd that happen? - How do I know? Douse it, will ya? Stand back.
- Hey, are you crazy? - I thought it was water.
- It's alcohol.
- Can you imagine what that does to your stomach? You moron! I have to do everything myself! The laundry is on fire.
I was wondering when things would get interesting.
- Is it under control? - Well, O'Reilly and Klinger are working on it.
- It'll be fine.
- Holy mackerel! - The blind leading the blind.
- [B.
J.
.]
Nice thought for a hospital, Frank.
[Hawkeye.]
Never at a loss for the wrong phrase.
Why don't we go outside where it's dry and work? Corpsman, another bucket here.
- Thank you, Major.
- [Bulb Pops.]
- Help! I'll get some light! - What happened! - Bulb got wet! Glass in the patient! - Father, more pickups.
- [Man.]
Pickups coming up.
- Thanks.
Colonel, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've had a better offer.
Take me with you.
The fire's out.
There's nothing to worry about.
Sandwiches - [Indistinct Shouting.]
- Cover the patients! [Radar.]
What are you doing? It took me three weeks to requisition that! - [Shouting Continues.]
- [Radar.]
Holy cow.
! [Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
By direction of the secretary of the army under AR220315 the Meritorious Unit Commendation is awarded to the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, 4077 unit for exceptionally meritorious conduct in the performance of outstanding services.
Despite the necessity of working in a forward area under adverse field conditions this hospital maintained the highest professional standards at all times.
The ability, loyalty and esprit de corps exhibited by this hospital reflects great credit on each and every member.
Just wanted to thank you for staying.