Spin City s04e23 Episode Script
An American Deputy Mayor in Paris
[SIGHS.]
Aaahhh! [JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
[DRILLING CONTINUES.]
Excuse me.
[DRILLING STOPS.]
Um, I was just tryin' to [RESUMES, STOPS.]
I say, I'm tryin' to get a little rest here.
[RESUMES, STOPS.]
I-I get it.
I-I-I didn't say the magic word.
Okay, could you please [RESUMES, STOPS.]
Please? [RESUMES, STOPS.]
[QUICKLY.]
Please?! [RESUMES, STOPS.]
Look, I am the deputy mayor of New York City.
And I demand that you stop that right now! Do you hear me? MAN: Screw you! Oh, oh! Okay, all right.
Listen, I dare you to come up here and say that! [TOOL CLANKS.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
For a big fellow, you can really climb! [ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
Okay, I assume everybody saw this morning's papers.
General macallister is at it again.
"Winston war record no challenge for big Mac.
" Big Mac? Where? This guy keeps ripping into the mayor about his war record.
So in response, we've arranged to have the mayor receive a citation for bravery at a very public ceremony.
It's gonna be a whopper.
Oh, hey, Paul I'm not a whopper guy.
The mayor was in one of those privileged, rich-kid units.
He and his platoon did blow up a key enemy bridge.
You know, in high school, I was in rotc.
It was pretty rough.
One minute, your best buddy's next to you, then bam! His dad gets transferred to des moines.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Excuse me.
[GASPS.]
Is this the engagement ring Trevor gave you? Yeah, it was his grandmother's.
Isn't that romantic? Yeah, and free.
You know, Caitlin, when you marry the same guy for the second time, it's traditional to not wear underwear.
Really, Stuart? Because I didn't wear any the first time.
Excuse me.
Nikki! Do you ever do charity work? Stuart, for the last time, I won't sleep with you.
Ha ha ha ha! No, seriously.
I'm helping an orphanage raise money for a trip to sea world.
Okay, let me guess "orphanage" is slang for stripper.
And "sea world" is code for your pants.
Nikki, how long have we worked together? The code for my pants is "play world"! Now, listen, this is important.
I'm puttin' together a charity swimsuit calendar.
Oh! And you want me to pose for it.
I'm not makin' this up.
All right, Stuart.
Right.
If this is so real, what's the name of the orphanage? Clearview.
The clearview home for children.
I don't think so, Stuart.
If you do this for me, you'll get to see sham Okay, that is code.
So let me walk you through tomorrow's ceremony.
You will march in uniform right along here, up to general kenville.
You'll salute him and receive your citation.
Uh Is there a problem? Well, the thing is, my company didn't exactly waste a lot of time learning silly army procedures, like how to march or salute or Use a weapon.
You're kidding.
Hey, Caitlin, a little respect for the war hero.
This man is the real deal.
He was in viet.
We called it "nam.
" This man was risking his life, slugging it out with Peter.
Charlie.
James, you were in rotc.
Why don't you work with him? I-I couldn't.
He's seen action.
James, I want you to.
But, sir, if anything, you should train me.
You're the hero.
James, that's an order.
You need to whip me into shape.
What? Like Hit the dirt, you skirt-wearing maggot, now!! Yeah, just like that.
I couldn't do that.
And this is Uncle Stuart's desk.
Is that your wife? Uh, no, she's probably married to one of those two guys.
Who are these adorable little people? They're from the clearview home.
Kids, meet Nikki.
Say hi.
Hi, Nikki! Hi, Nikki! Hi, you guys! I don't have a mommy.
You know, Nikki, it would sure help these guys if you'd do that swimsuit calendar.
You're so pretty.
I bet we'd make enough to get vaccinations.
That's so sweet.
Yeah How could anybody say no to these faces? Well Not me, that's for sure! Hey, kids, she's gonna do it! Yay! Yay! Yay! If you'll excuse me, kids, I've got to get to the gym.
Bye, Nikki! Bye, Nikki! Bye, Nikki! Okay, here's your 5 bucks.
Go find your tour group.
You said 10! Next time, get it in writing.
[JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
MAN: Okay, guys, let's light it up! Aahhh! Hey, hey! Hey, turn that off! I mean it this time.
I will have you fired so fast, it'll make your beer guts spin! Bite me.
What? That's witty.
That's very witty.
You bite me! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Aah! Aah! Oh, the city has really gotten to you.
[SHOUTING.]
What did you say? Oh, right.
Sorry.
What what are you doin' here? Everything okay? Yes.
No! Um Well, I'm here because it's not that I'm, you know, having second thoughts about marrying Trevor, but you and I I-I just don't know.
I know that I am rambling, but I really need you to kiss me.
Okay.
Anything else? I guess not.
Okay.
That's not gonna help me sleep.
So Caitlin just shows up at your door and gives you a kiss? Yeah.
What did you say? I said, uh "Anything else?" "Anything else?"! What's wrong with that? Nothing, if you're workin' the drive-through window at arby's.
Come on, Carter.
She shows up out of nowhere.
I haven't slept in in in two days.
What was I supposed to say? How about, "I love you"? Where were you last night? [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Let's go, maggot! Left! Left! Left, right, left! Left! Left! Left Right Halt! You make me sick! Where you from, maggot? Connecticut.
You've been to my place.
Connecticut.
Only two things come from Connecticut antique dealers and old money.
Which are you?! Old money.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
That works better with Texas.
Can we take a break, James? Sure, you can tell me about that bridge.
I remember it well.
We'd been partying pretty hard that night.
Somebody had the bright idea to do a little night surfing.
So we hopped into the jeep.
As you know, all the street signs over there are in that weird menu language.
Before you know it, we were in enemy territory.
And as we were crossing a bridge, I tossed out a joi cigarette.
And all of a sudden, kablooey! We were thrown free, but the bridge was destroyed just as the enemy was about to cross it.
So it was just an accident? Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Hey, Mike.
Mike! What?! Next! Mike, you got a little, uh Little Little desk head.
No, no, Carter.
This is my new system.
See? "Take in dry cleaning.
" Check.
I ran into Caitlin in the hall, and she asked me to give you this.
A note.
- A note from Caitlin.
- What's it say? You've been alone with this for 90 seconds.
We both know you read it.
No, no, that was the old Carter.
The n Carter respects people's privacy.
"Mike, thank you for indulging me last night.
The kiss was wonderful" Yes! Heh! Turn it over.
"but I'm meeting Trevor in Paris.
"We're getting married.
C'est LA vie.
Love, Caitlin.
" Sorry, Mike.
I'm goin' after her.
Mike, you can't just go to Paris.
Carter, when she wrote this note, she didn't know I loved her.
I'm gonna go to Paris.
I'm gonna tell her.
What about the mayor's ceremony? Carter, in my whole career, I have never let the man down once.
Someone like Caitlin only happens once in a lifetime.
When he finds out why I went, he'll be happy for me.
But just in case, uh Tell him my appendix burst.
Good luck, and, hey, get some sleep on the plane.
Carter, trust me, I'm gonna sleep all the way there.
[CHEERING.]
Look, janelle, and it still fits me like I had it tailored yesterday.
Maybe that's because you had it tailored yesterday.
Ceremony starts in 10 minutes.
Here's your speech, Mr.
hero, sir.
Don't accidentally blow it up.
James, am I sensing a little attitude from you? I wouldn't dare give attitude to the big, phony war hero.
Sir, maybe you should take a look at this.
"On behalf of all shameless, opportunistic, yellow-bellied Cowards" well, it's no gettysburg address.
Janelle, would you give us a moment? James, sit down.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I could be killed for telling you this, but accidentally blowing up that bridge was no accident.
It wasn't? No.
My squad was actually a secret Covert Undercover Stealth Secret operation.
You said "secret" twice.
It was that secret.
Pshht! We only pretended to be drunken cowards to throw off the enemy.
Really?! So then you are a hero?! I swear, James, or my name isn't Randall Winston.
And by the way My name isn't Randall Winston.
Pshht! Mademoiselle Moore's plane has been delayed.
She'll be arriving in a few hours, monsieur Flaherty.
It said on the reservation that mademoiselle Moore's fiancé is in provence until tomorrow, and is named Trevor wolf.
Yeah, well, I, uh I never travel under my own name.
See, I'm very famous back in the states.
What do you do? I'm a game-show host Regis Flaherty.
I think you should leave.
You know, I was assured there would not be any problem here by my very close, personal friend Jerry Lewis.
My attitude about your leaving Has not changed.
Well, listen Laurent.
Maybe A little stubby French guy will change your mind.
That is 40 cents.
All right, well, how about, uh Ugly woman with a crown? Old woman with a test tube? Little guy Uh well, surrendering is a good bet.
[SIGHS.]
Finally.
[MAN SPEAKING FRENCH.]
[JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
Nikki, you're the best.
I still think this calendar thing is a little odd.
Can I have a sip of your water? Sure.
Clearview the clearview home for children.
Just remember, you're doing this for those adorable kids.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, people.
Next, we are going to go see the mayor's office.
I gotta tell ya, they're gonna love sea world.
I'm helping an orphae raise money For a trip to sea wo.
Stuart! You made this whole thing up! You even made up sea world.
You did all this to see me in a bathing suit? Yeah.
You know what, Stuart? You've earned this.
You're gonna do it?! Just this once and just for a second! Oh! Oh, wait, wait, wait! Let me get ready.
I've waited so long for this.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Here you go, buddy.
Close your eyes for a second.
Oh.
[SINGSONG.]
Okay, you can open them! [INHALES.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Oh! I can't see! Blind! A do-over! I want a do-over! Tell it to the orphans! [DOOR CLOSES.]
MAN: Qu'est-ce tu veux, gilligan? ["GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" THEME SOG PLAYS.]
I love Nick at nuit.
Mike.
What are you doing here? Oh, I was having trouble sleeping in my apartment So I thought I'd try France and, uh There's something that I have to tell you.
Uh, Caitlin I love you.
So, I'll see you back at the office.
Mike, Mike, Mike, wait, um You came all the way over here to tell me you love me? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Don't marry Trevor.
Okay.
Really? Yeah.
Wow, I I should've told you this before I maxed out my gold card.
Come here.
Why don't, um, you go relax, and I'll pour us some champagne.
That's a good idea.
You know, Mike, I am sorry I put you through all this.
I realized when I was on the plane that I wasn't running to Trevor.
I was running away from you.
I guess I was, um, scared of how I felt because, well, the truth is I love you, too.
[INHALES.]
Hey.
I want my 5 bucks.
And I want to see Nikki in a bikini.
Life sucks.
Now get lost.
I'll give you one more chance.
I want my 5 bucks.
What are you gonna do? Gain 150 pounds and kick my butt? Whoa.
Old-girlfriend flashback.
Hey, guys! STUART: Quit it! Oh! Oh, yeah! I'm telling! - [MAN.]
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
- [UBU BARKS.]
Aaahhh! [JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
[DRILLING CONTINUES.]
Excuse me.
[DRILLING STOPS.]
Um, I was just tryin' to [RESUMES, STOPS.]
I say, I'm tryin' to get a little rest here.
[RESUMES, STOPS.]
I-I get it.
I-I-I didn't say the magic word.
Okay, could you please [RESUMES, STOPS.]
Please? [RESUMES, STOPS.]
[QUICKLY.]
Please?! [RESUMES, STOPS.]
Look, I am the deputy mayor of New York City.
And I demand that you stop that right now! Do you hear me? MAN: Screw you! Oh, oh! Okay, all right.
Listen, I dare you to come up here and say that! [TOOL CLANKS.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
For a big fellow, you can really climb! [ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS.]
Okay, I assume everybody saw this morning's papers.
General macallister is at it again.
"Winston war record no challenge for big Mac.
" Big Mac? Where? This guy keeps ripping into the mayor about his war record.
So in response, we've arranged to have the mayor receive a citation for bravery at a very public ceremony.
It's gonna be a whopper.
Oh, hey, Paul I'm not a whopper guy.
The mayor was in one of those privileged, rich-kid units.
He and his platoon did blow up a key enemy bridge.
You know, in high school, I was in rotc.
It was pretty rough.
One minute, your best buddy's next to you, then bam! His dad gets transferred to des moines.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Excuse me.
[GASPS.]
Is this the engagement ring Trevor gave you? Yeah, it was his grandmother's.
Isn't that romantic? Yeah, and free.
You know, Caitlin, when you marry the same guy for the second time, it's traditional to not wear underwear.
Really, Stuart? Because I didn't wear any the first time.
Excuse me.
Nikki! Do you ever do charity work? Stuart, for the last time, I won't sleep with you.
Ha ha ha ha! No, seriously.
I'm helping an orphanage raise money for a trip to sea world.
Okay, let me guess "orphanage" is slang for stripper.
And "sea world" is code for your pants.
Nikki, how long have we worked together? The code for my pants is "play world"! Now, listen, this is important.
I'm puttin' together a charity swimsuit calendar.
Oh! And you want me to pose for it.
I'm not makin' this up.
All right, Stuart.
Right.
If this is so real, what's the name of the orphanage? Clearview.
The clearview home for children.
I don't think so, Stuart.
If you do this for me, you'll get to see sham Okay, that is code.
So let me walk you through tomorrow's ceremony.
You will march in uniform right along here, up to general kenville.
You'll salute him and receive your citation.
Uh Is there a problem? Well, the thing is, my company didn't exactly waste a lot of time learning silly army procedures, like how to march or salute or Use a weapon.
You're kidding.
Hey, Caitlin, a little respect for the war hero.
This man is the real deal.
He was in viet.
We called it "nam.
" This man was risking his life, slugging it out with Peter.
Charlie.
James, you were in rotc.
Why don't you work with him? I-I couldn't.
He's seen action.
James, I want you to.
But, sir, if anything, you should train me.
You're the hero.
James, that's an order.
You need to whip me into shape.
What? Like Hit the dirt, you skirt-wearing maggot, now!! Yeah, just like that.
I couldn't do that.
And this is Uncle Stuart's desk.
Is that your wife? Uh, no, she's probably married to one of those two guys.
Who are these adorable little people? They're from the clearview home.
Kids, meet Nikki.
Say hi.
Hi, Nikki! Hi, Nikki! Hi, you guys! I don't have a mommy.
You know, Nikki, it would sure help these guys if you'd do that swimsuit calendar.
You're so pretty.
I bet we'd make enough to get vaccinations.
That's so sweet.
Yeah How could anybody say no to these faces? Well Not me, that's for sure! Hey, kids, she's gonna do it! Yay! Yay! Yay! If you'll excuse me, kids, I've got to get to the gym.
Bye, Nikki! Bye, Nikki! Bye, Nikki! Okay, here's your 5 bucks.
Go find your tour group.
You said 10! Next time, get it in writing.
[JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
MAN: Okay, guys, let's light it up! Aahhh! Hey, hey! Hey, turn that off! I mean it this time.
I will have you fired so fast, it'll make your beer guts spin! Bite me.
What? That's witty.
That's very witty.
You bite me! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Aah! Aah! Oh, the city has really gotten to you.
[SHOUTING.]
What did you say? Oh, right.
Sorry.
What what are you doin' here? Everything okay? Yes.
No! Um Well, I'm here because it's not that I'm, you know, having second thoughts about marrying Trevor, but you and I I-I just don't know.
I know that I am rambling, but I really need you to kiss me.
Okay.
Anything else? I guess not.
Okay.
That's not gonna help me sleep.
So Caitlin just shows up at your door and gives you a kiss? Yeah.
What did you say? I said, uh "Anything else?" "Anything else?"! What's wrong with that? Nothing, if you're workin' the drive-through window at arby's.
Come on, Carter.
She shows up out of nowhere.
I haven't slept in in in two days.
What was I supposed to say? How about, "I love you"? Where were you last night? [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Let's go, maggot! Left! Left! Left, right, left! Left! Left! Left Right Halt! You make me sick! Where you from, maggot? Connecticut.
You've been to my place.
Connecticut.
Only two things come from Connecticut antique dealers and old money.
Which are you?! Old money.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
That works better with Texas.
Can we take a break, James? Sure, you can tell me about that bridge.
I remember it well.
We'd been partying pretty hard that night.
Somebody had the bright idea to do a little night surfing.
So we hopped into the jeep.
As you know, all the street signs over there are in that weird menu language.
Before you know it, we were in enemy territory.
And as we were crossing a bridge, I tossed out a joi cigarette.
And all of a sudden, kablooey! We were thrown free, but the bridge was destroyed just as the enemy was about to cross it.
So it was just an accident? Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Hey, Mike.
Mike! What?! Next! Mike, you got a little, uh Little Little desk head.
No, no, Carter.
This is my new system.
See? "Take in dry cleaning.
" Check.
I ran into Caitlin in the hall, and she asked me to give you this.
A note.
- A note from Caitlin.
- What's it say? You've been alone with this for 90 seconds.
We both know you read it.
No, no, that was the old Carter.
The n Carter respects people's privacy.
"Mike, thank you for indulging me last night.
The kiss was wonderful" Yes! Heh! Turn it over.
"but I'm meeting Trevor in Paris.
"We're getting married.
C'est LA vie.
Love, Caitlin.
" Sorry, Mike.
I'm goin' after her.
Mike, you can't just go to Paris.
Carter, when she wrote this note, she didn't know I loved her.
I'm gonna go to Paris.
I'm gonna tell her.
What about the mayor's ceremony? Carter, in my whole career, I have never let the man down once.
Someone like Caitlin only happens once in a lifetime.
When he finds out why I went, he'll be happy for me.
But just in case, uh Tell him my appendix burst.
Good luck, and, hey, get some sleep on the plane.
Carter, trust me, I'm gonna sleep all the way there.
[CHEERING.]
Look, janelle, and it still fits me like I had it tailored yesterday.
Maybe that's because you had it tailored yesterday.
Ceremony starts in 10 minutes.
Here's your speech, Mr.
hero, sir.
Don't accidentally blow it up.
James, am I sensing a little attitude from you? I wouldn't dare give attitude to the big, phony war hero.
Sir, maybe you should take a look at this.
"On behalf of all shameless, opportunistic, yellow-bellied Cowards" well, it's no gettysburg address.
Janelle, would you give us a moment? James, sit down.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I could be killed for telling you this, but accidentally blowing up that bridge was no accident.
It wasn't? No.
My squad was actually a secret Covert Undercover Stealth Secret operation.
You said "secret" twice.
It was that secret.
Pshht! We only pretended to be drunken cowards to throw off the enemy.
Really?! So then you are a hero?! I swear, James, or my name isn't Randall Winston.
And by the way My name isn't Randall Winston.
Pshht! Mademoiselle Moore's plane has been delayed.
She'll be arriving in a few hours, monsieur Flaherty.
It said on the reservation that mademoiselle Moore's fiancé is in provence until tomorrow, and is named Trevor wolf.
Yeah, well, I, uh I never travel under my own name.
See, I'm very famous back in the states.
What do you do? I'm a game-show host Regis Flaherty.
I think you should leave.
You know, I was assured there would not be any problem here by my very close, personal friend Jerry Lewis.
My attitude about your leaving Has not changed.
Well, listen Laurent.
Maybe A little stubby French guy will change your mind.
That is 40 cents.
All right, well, how about, uh Ugly woman with a crown? Old woman with a test tube? Little guy Uh well, surrendering is a good bet.
[SIGHS.]
Finally.
[MAN SPEAKING FRENCH.]
[JACKHAMMER DRILLING.]
Nikki, you're the best.
I still think this calendar thing is a little odd.
Can I have a sip of your water? Sure.
Clearview the clearview home for children.
Just remember, you're doing this for those adorable kids.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, people.
Next, we are going to go see the mayor's office.
I gotta tell ya, they're gonna love sea world.
I'm helping an orphae raise money For a trip to sea wo.
Stuart! You made this whole thing up! You even made up sea world.
You did all this to see me in a bathing suit? Yeah.
You know what, Stuart? You've earned this.
You're gonna do it?! Just this once and just for a second! Oh! Oh, wait, wait, wait! Let me get ready.
I've waited so long for this.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Here you go, buddy.
Close your eyes for a second.
Oh.
[SINGSONG.]
Okay, you can open them! [INHALES.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Oh! I can't see! Blind! A do-over! I want a do-over! Tell it to the orphans! [DOOR CLOSES.]
MAN: Qu'est-ce tu veux, gilligan? ["GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" THEME SOG PLAYS.]
I love Nick at nuit.
Mike.
What are you doing here? Oh, I was having trouble sleeping in my apartment So I thought I'd try France and, uh There's something that I have to tell you.
Uh, Caitlin I love you.
So, I'll see you back at the office.
Mike, Mike, Mike, wait, um You came all the way over here to tell me you love me? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Don't marry Trevor.
Okay.
Really? Yeah.
Wow, I I should've told you this before I maxed out my gold card.
Come here.
Why don't, um, you go relax, and I'll pour us some champagne.
That's a good idea.
You know, Mike, I am sorry I put you through all this.
I realized when I was on the plane that I wasn't running to Trevor.
I was running away from you.
I guess I was, um, scared of how I felt because, well, the truth is I love you, too.
[INHALES.]
Hey.
I want my 5 bucks.
And I want to see Nikki in a bikini.
Life sucks.
Now get lost.
I'll give you one more chance.
I want my 5 bucks.
What are you gonna do? Gain 150 pounds and kick my butt? Whoa.
Old-girlfriend flashback.
Hey, guys! STUART: Quit it! Oh! Oh, yeah! I'm telling! - [MAN.]
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
- [UBU BARKS.]