The Honeymooners (1955) s04e23 Episode Script

With the stars and Hiya, Ralph.
Well, sweetheart, I see you have my favorite dessert, chocolate fudge cake.
Yeah, but it's not for you, Ralph.
It's for that new neighbor that moved next door.
All the women in the building are making him a little something.
You know, sort of like a welcome gift.
Oh.
So, they finally rented Fogerty's old flat, huh? Yeah.
When do they move in? This afternoon, only it's not a "they," it's a "he.
" Oh, yeah? What kind of a looking guy is he? Oh, I don't know, Ralph.
He's kind of tall, and has gray hair.
Well, why don't you go over and meet him after supper? I will.
Listen, honey, I've got to go up and get the wash off the roof.
Would you keep an eye on the stew for me? All right.
Okay, I'll be right down.
'Kay, hon.
( door opening ) Hey, there, Ralphie boy.
How you doing there, Ralphie boy? I was just going to visit the new neighbor.
You want to come along with me? I can't.
We're going to sit down to supper in a minute.
Oh, well, uh, Trixie made some potato salad, and wanted me to bring it to him.
Oh, Alice made him one of those chocolate fudge cakes.
Oh, yeah? Boy, our wives are getting to be a couple of regular welcome wagons.
( laughing ) Well, I guess they feel sorry for the old guy, living alone like that, you know.
What, he's an old guy? Probably a widower or something.
Oh, yeah.
You know, that must be murder, living alone like that.
Coming home from work, nobody there.
Well, I know, I know, I know.
I think I know, sort of, what it must be like.
I had an old uncle that was a bachelor, you know.
Every time he'd come home from work, nobody there.
But what made it worse was he was a night watchman, see? Even when he went to work, there was nobody there.
You know, we don't realize how lucky we are.
At least, when we come home every night, there's somebody's there.
Yup.
Every night, there's always somebody there.
Some nights, there's two of them-- Trixie and her old lady.
Yeah.
But you know in your heart and soul, Norton, that you wouldn't trade your place with that guy next door for anything in the world.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
There's one consolation.
He won't be living alone much longer.
What are you talking about? After he eats Trixie's potato salad, he'll be needing a new nurse, and he won't be! ( both chuckling ) Well, guy like that.
I'll tell you what.
What? Why don't we go, after supper, we go next door and play a game of checkers with him.
You know, old guys like games like that.
Good idea.
( knocking on door ) Yeah? Oh, uh, pardon me.
I was, uh just wondering if I could borrow a hammer.
I'm just moving in and I have to open a crate.
Hey, how do you like that, Ralph, two guys moving in today.
Him and the old guy next door.
Oh, uh, but I took the apartment next door.
Oh, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Carlos Sanchez.
Oh, how are you? ( clears throat ) You, uh, moving in next door? Yeah.
For an old guy, this boy looks pretty well preserved.
He don't exactly look like the type that cares for checkers, either.
Uh, uh, don't mind my friend.
He's a little confused.
Somehow or another, I got the impression that you were much older.
Oh.
Oh, pardon me.
My name is Ralph Kramden.
This is my friend, Ed Norton.
He lives upstairs.
Oh! You must be Trixie's husband.
Yeah, yeah, I-I'm Trixie's husband, yeah.
I met her a little while ago.
A very lovely woman.
Oh, thank you.
You, uh, get to meet quite a few people there in a short time, didn't you? Well, I, uh, kind of like to know who my neighbors are.
Oh, well, you better get to know Trixie and me pretty fast because we may be moving tomorrow.
Oh, really? Trixie never mentioned it.
Trixie don't know it yet.
Don't you think you might've made a little mistake, moving into a strange neighborhood like this.
You know, knowing nobody, with you being all alone and everything? And besides, you know, this is kind of a noisy neighborhood.
You might not get much sleep at night.
Oh, well, thanks for the warning, Mr.
Kramden, but that don't bother me.
You know, I won't be around here very much at night.
I work nights.
What are you, a garbage man? No, I'm a dancer.
Dancer? Yes, I do a mambo, a South American specialty.
Well, I guess I won't be seeing too much of you fellows.
You probably work days and are around here at nights? I'm just the opposite.
I'll be working at nights and I'll be around here all day.
You mean that while we're working in the daytime, you're going to be around here all the time? That's right.
( knocking on door ) Come in.
ALICE: Open up, Ralph.
I got the wash.
( groans ) Boy, this is heavy, Ralph.
Oh, uh, here, Mrs.
Kramden, let me help you with that.
Oh, thank you, Mr.
Sanchez.
Ah, where do I put it? Oh, right on the table will be all right.
You know, Mrs.
Kramden, you shouldn't be carrying heavy things like this.
Not with those delicate hands of yours.
Oh, thank you.
That's very nice of you.
I wish somebody else around here would be concerned about things like that.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute! If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, not to carry a heavy wash like that! Now, the next time you have a heavy wash like that, make two trips! Thanks.
Uh, here, Mrs.
Kramden, you must be tired.
You better sit down.
Oh, thank you, Mr.
Sanchez.
And by the way, Mrs.
Kramden, if we're going to be neighbors, stop that "Mr.
Sanchez.
" It's Carlos.
Oh, all right, Carlos.
By the way, what about having supper with us tonight? He can't have supper with us tonight! He's opening some crates in there.
That's what he come in here for, a hammer.
I'll get it for you right now, pal.
Here.
Here's your hammer.
And if you don't mind, "hasta la vista.
" Ralph.
Oh, well, I I guess I better be going.
And, thanks for the hammer, Mrs.
Kramden.
What're you thanking her for? I gave it to you! Oh, oh, yes, thanks, Mr.
Kramden.
All right, "casa mañana.
" Oh, Mr.
Norton? Eh? Give my best to Trixie.
Eh.
"Semper fidelis.
" Oh, he certainly is sweet, Ralph.
Such a gentleman.
( door closing ) "Don't call me Mr.
Sanchez.
Call me Carlos.
" Ha, ha, that dirty old Ooh! Hey, I almost forgot, I got to get the potato salad to him.
Wait a minute.
Are you nuts or something? You mean to tell me after getting a look at that guy, and knowing what kind of a fellow he is, you're going to give him Trixie's potato salad? Well, certainly.
This'll fix his wagon.
Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable.
Norton, you're beautiful.
Hey, listen, listen, Ralph, as long as we're neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton.
Call me "Eduardo.
" Get out! Together left, and together right, together That's right, you're doing it very well, girls.
That's wonderful.
You're doing it better every day.
Now, I'm going to put on some mambo music, and we'll see how it sounds with that.
Then tonight, you can try it with your husbands when they come home.
( women giggling ) Let's see, what have we got here? Tito Rodriguez, "Claves for Mambo.
" Oh, pardon me, Carlos.
You think I have the hip movement all right? Oh! That's fine, Mrs.
Manicotti.
That's just fine.
You are going to be a wonderful mambo dancer.
All right, here we go.
( mambo music playing ) Hold it! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! ( turns off music ) What's going on here?! Nothing, Ralph.
Carlos is just teaching us to do the mambo.
That's right, Ralph.
Carlos was just teaching us to do the mambo.
Oh "Carlos was teaching us to do the mambo.
" ( women laughing ) Oh, ho, ho, ho.
That puts a different light on everything.
For a minute there, when I walked in here, I didn't know what you were doing.
Now I know, Carlos was teaching you the mambo.
That makes a world of difference.
Everybody out! Out! But, Mr.
Kramden, it's fun! And you, at your age, should be ashamed of yourself! Now, out! All right, girls, I guess we better call it quits for today.
Quits for the day? You'll call it quits for the day, tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year, you'll call it quits! And as for you, Rudolph Valentino, out! What is the matter with you, Ralph? What's the matter with me? What's the matter with me, Alice? I come home from a hard day's work and you're going like this and you want to know what's wrong with me? Oh, Ralph! Don't you "Oh, Ralph" me! How long has this been going on? Only a few days, Ralph.
When Mrs.
Stevens found out that Carlos was a mambo dancer, she asked him if he'd teach it to us girls.
Oh, Mrs.
Stevens asked him to teach it to you girls.
Hah, a mambo dancer has to move in next door.
It couldn't be a cook or chef so he could teach you how to cook! Ralph, what's so terrible about learning to do the mambo? Everybody does it now.
Everybody does it, Alice? Everybody does it? Well, I don't mean everybody.
You said everybody does it! I just meant that I don't know anybody who does the mambo.
I don't do it! Norton doesn't do it! My grandmother never did it! Tell me everybody does it! All right, Ralph.
Let's just not discuss it anymore now.
We won't discuss it anymore! Your mambo days are over.
You want to wiggle, wiggle over to the stove and get my supper! Mambo.
( growls in frustration ) Wait a minute.
What's that? Tuna fish.
We're going to have tuna fish salad.
Tuna fish? What am I, a cat or something? Why can't I have a hot meal? I'll tell you why I can't have a hot meal! 'Cause you're doing this, that's why! All right, Ralph, I guess the lesson lasted a little longer today and I lost track of the time.
Oh, is that why? 'Cause the lesson lasted a little longer? I suppose every man in this building's going to have a cold meal, including him? Well, let me tell you something, I know whose fault it is.
I know whose fault it is.
It's Carlos' fault.
And it's not only the mambo.
It's not only the mambo, Alice.
Not by a long shot, it isn't the mambo.
It's the other things he does.
The fancy manners he has and he parades around with.
That's putting nutty ideas in your head.
Sure, Ralph, you think he's a troublemaker.
Well, I have got news for you, Ralph.
You and Norton and some of the men in this building can learn an awful lot of things from Carlos.
He happens to be a gentleman, Ralph, and that seems to be something that you have forgotten all about.
He treats us like women.
That's something you've forgotten, too, Ralph.
You seem to have forgotten that I am a woman.
I forgot that you're a woman? How could I? You're always yapping.
What do you mean, I don't treat you like a woman? I treat you like a woman! I let you sew, I let you cook, I let you wash the windows, I let you clean up! Boys don't do that, Alice.
That's right, Ralph.
That's all a wife is to you, Ralph.
Just a handy utensil to have around the house.
A wife can cook and slave and clean for you all day long.
You'd never think of saying something pleasant to her.
You wouldn't even think of doing a simple little gentlemanly thing like tipping your hat.
Now get my supper! Get it yourself! You're going to do the mambo.
You're going to do the mambo, but it's going to be on the moon! I know what you're going through, you don't have to tell me.
I don't know Everybody in the house is doing it! You know whose trouble it is, don't you? You know who's making trouble? Carlos.
Carlos Sanchez, ho-ho! Sure.
He wants everybody to do the mambo and teach 'em nice manners.
All I know is Alice that was satisfied with me for 15 years.
Now, she wants to change me.
Well, she's got a nerve.
She's got a nerve.
She knew when she married you, she was getting the worst of it.
You can say that again.
Well, I'm telling you that if we don't put a stop to that Carlos, every husband in this building's going to be in trouble.
Right.
( knocking on door ) Come in.
Oh, hiya, Mr.
Manicotti.
Hello, Mr.
Kramden.
My wife, she's a-here? Well, she was here a little while ago, but she left.
She leave a note on the kitchen table, she's coming down here for mambo lessons.
That woman is driving me crazy! All she think about is mambo.
There you are, Norton.
She's a-crazy! Sure.
All day long, she make a-like this and like that! I told you that Carlos was going to get us all in trouble.
Trouble? When my Angelina, she make like this, she throw all the dishes off the table everywhere.
( knocking on door ) Sit down here.
Sit down here.
Here, take a load off.
Yeah.
Oh, ho! Ho, ho.
You're just the guy I want to see.
When I left, I forgot my phonograph.
Well, come right in, 'cause I want to talk to you.
You caused about as much trouble in this building for us as you're going to cause.
It's all over now, pal.
I want to tell you something, you got some nerve, parading around in front of our wives with the fancy manners.
We have to eat cold suppers on account of your teaching them the mambo.
Let me tell you something.
It's easy for you, you know, to play Sir Galahad.
You don't do any work.
When you go to work, you dance.
That's no work! When we go to work, we work.
Dirty work! Just notice the difference between my hands and your hands.
That'll show you the difference in work.
The difference between your hands and my friend's hands.
Wait, a minute.
It's not fair to compare his to mine.
I mean, I got mine in water all day.
Oh, shut up.
Now, I'm warning you, I don't want any more trouble out of you, or you'll get yours! All right, if that's the way you want it.
That's the way we want it.
Do you mind if I ask you fellows one question? If your wives, uh, want you to do these few little things for them, why don't you do it? Why don't we do it? Want to know why we don't do it? Wants to know why we don't do it.
( chuckles ) Why we don't do it? Why we don't do it? 'Cause it's too much trouble, that's why we don't do it! Too much trouble! That's why we don't do it.
Well, perhaps, I shouldn't say this, but, don't you think your wives are worth a lot of trouble? Don't they go to a lot of trouble for you? Don't they cook and sew and iron and clean for you? Perhaps I look at things a little differently.
After all, I haven't been able to find the right girl like you fellows have.
But I know one thing.
If I did find the right one, and she did all those things for me, I know I would do all I could to make her happy.
Especially if all she wanted were a few little things like opening a door for her, or putting on a jacket when I came to dinner.
Well, don't worry, fellows, I I won't give you any more trouble.
Wait a minute, pal.
You're right.
He's right.
You see the trouble with us guys, is whoever we talk about married life to is married.
Maybe now and then we ought to talk to a guy like you that's single, so we'd know we're well off or not.
I guess Alice is right.
She says we treat the women like they were kitchen utensils.
Well, I'm going to be different.
What do you say, guys? Let's start being gentlemanly and everything.
And, Carlos, would you do me a favor? Well, uh, what is it? Would you teach me to mambo? Oh! Sure, it'll be a pleasure! Yeah? Well, now, you just watch me, and do exactly as I do, huh? Left Oh, no, Alice, stay in bed.
Stay in bed, sweetheart.
Don't forget, it's early Sunday morning.
We don't have to be to church till 11:00.
You just stay in bed, and I'll fix breakfast, and serve you in bed.
ALICE: But, Ralph! Now, tut, tut, sweetheart.
Just lay there, relax, hon.
All right, now.
Let's see, now.
Where are the pots? Alice? I'll get one for you, Ralph.
All right.
Here.
Thank you.
Now, back to bed.
Ralph, look, would you please just please let me make the breakfast.
Back to bed! Beddy-bye.
This is your day to relax, sweetheart.
Stop buying these cheap matches.
( laughs ) Alice, where's the oatmeal? You don't have to come out.
All you have to do is tell me.
Ralph, look.
Thank you.
Now, wait a minute, now, look, you go in and get dressed.
Please, let me make Tut, tut, tut.
Get back in the bed.
But, Ralph I'll have it ready in a jiffy.
Beddy-bye.
Oh you're a good one.
( humming ) ( humming continues ) Alice, where's the coffee? Ralph, will you please let me get the breakfast? I'm getting tired walking back and forth here.
Look, I'm going to cook the breakfast.
Just tell me where the coffee is.
I'll have it on in a jiffy.
It's right on top of the icebox, Ralph, in that can, but, please, I don't want to have breakfast in bed.
Honestly, I'd be much more comfortable out here.
All right, sweetheart.
The lady's wishes are my desire.
Sit right down.
Sit right there and I'll have everything fixed in a jiffy.
Well, Ralph? What? While you're fixing the breakfast, I'll just go in and make the bed.
No, stay right here.
While the oatmeal's cooking, I'll go in and make the bed.
Alice, where are the sheets? Alice? Alice! Be out in a minute, Trix.
Oh.
Ah, Trixie, you didn't even wait for me and let me do it.
Oh, Ed! Come on out there and let me do what I planned to do.
Oh, Ed! Boy! ( Trixie groans ) Please enter, madam.
Hiya, Trix.
Hi, Ed.
Hi.
Hello, Mrs.
Kramden.
It's nice of you to have us.
My, what a beautiful place you have here.
By the way, mambo, anyone? Not now, Ed.
He's had me doing the mambo all morning.
Pardon me, Mrs.
Kramden, is your spouse on the premises? He's in the bedroom making the bed.
Oh, what a gentlemanly thing to do.
If you will allow me to take my leave, I'll retire to the boudoir and join my bosom companion.
Well, Alice, we wanted them to be gentlemen but this is terrible.
Now, what are we going to do? I don't know, Trix.
Like they say on that television show, we asked for it.
I think we're going to get it, too.
I'm telling you something.
Ralph has been driving me absolutely crazy in the past couple days, pushing chairs under me and opening doors for me.
And now just 'cause it's Sunday morning, he's absolutely wearing me out making my breakfast.
You think you got it bad? Wait'll I tell you what my Ed did.
he wanted to get a drink of water so he wakes me up so he can tip his hat before he leaves.
Now, really.
Yeah.
I tell you something, Trix, if he RALPH: Ah.
Oh, how do you do, Mrs.
Norton? Good morning.
Would you care to partake of some breakfast with us? Thanks.
Won't you sit down? Here you are.
Sit down, girls.
There we go.
I'll have it for you in a jiffy.
Done to a turn.
( chuckling ) There you are.
Roll that around in your mouth.
Ed.
Ed, Ed, why don't you take this? Oh, no, no, it's gentleman-like to wait.
I may wait till tomorrow.
Is there anything wrong, Alice? Oh, no, Ralph.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Well, let me get you some more, then.
No, Ralph.
What? Please.
Please, Ralph, don't do any more cooking for me.
And if you don't mind, would you do me another favor? Please don't push any more chairs under for me, and don't open any doors, and please don't tip your hat anymore, either.
I don't understand this.
I thought you wanted me to be a gentleman? Well, I thought that's what I wanted, too, Ralph, but I found something out.
I found out I've been a pretty lucky girl.
I married a man who was absolutely perfect for me only I haven't had sense enough to realize it.
Would you mind doing me a big favor, sweetie? Would you go back to being the way you were? Want me to go back to the way I was? Oh.
You, too, Ed.
Go back to the way you were.
You mean it, too? Mm-hmm.
( clears throat ) Open the door, I want to go home.
( laughing ) I'll see you later, Alice.
Okay, Trix.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Come back here.
Huh? Things are like they used to be-- follow me.
Are you, uh, ( clears throat ) sure that you want me to go back to the old Ralph Kramden? I'm sure.
All right, then, listen to this! Get something in your head, Alice! I'm the king here! Remember that! This house is my castle! I'm the king! Remember that! King, king, king! You are nothing! A peasant! This is my house, my castle, I'm the king! ( chuckles ): Get my breakfast.
( laughing )