All In The Family s04e24 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Oh, hi, Ma.
Here, let me help you with that.
Oh, no.
You don't have to do that, Gloria.
Oh, really, I'd like to.
I'm too nervous to stay downstairs.
I keep thinking I'm gonna make a noise and ruin Michael's studying.
Me too.
That's why I left the beds till now.
[GASPS.]
Oh, I hope Archie ain't letting his toenails grow again.
Ma, why don't you get some new sheets, some colored ones? They're making great designs now.
You can get ones with flowers all over them.
Oh, no.
I asked Archie about them.
He says the only time he wants to wake up and see flowers on top of him is when he's dead.
I wonder what it'd be like to be rich enough to afford beautiful matching sheets and towels.
Oh, I guess it would be no different from now.
We got matching sheets and towels.
White towels and white sheets.
Don't you ever wish you were rich, though, Ma? Really rich? Oh, yeah, sometimes I do.
What would be the first thing you'd do if you were rich, Ma? I mean something that you've always wanted to do.
I wanna walk into the butcher's shop and buy a steak without asking "How much is it?" I guess it's silly to daydream, though, isn't it? Oh, no, it isn't, Gloria.
I bet when Mike passes his exams and graduates from college, he'll become famous and make a lot of money.
Oh, Ma, you think he's gonna pass? Of course he is.
Oh, I don't know.
He's been dreaming about his exams at night.
Ma, it means so much to him.
Oh, I know.
He's studying so hard.
Sometimes it hurts my head just to watch him.
Hello there, Michael, my boy.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Don't talk.
I just wanna get down this thought.
Yeah? What is it? I'm sorry.
Gee.
I didn't want to bother you or nothing.
I was just wondering where your mother-in-law is.
Oh, yeah.
She's upstairs.
I'll clear the books so she can set the table.
No, no.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Don't do nothing like that.
No.
Leave all the books and papers there.
Keep on studying there.
I don't wanna disturb that.
Don't you want your dinner? I don't have to have my dinner the minute I walk in the door.
Since when? Since you are studying for your exams here so as you can graduate there in two weeks.
Listen, I know my priororities and this is priororer.
Well, thanks a lot, Arch.
Hmm.
You sure you're comfortable here? Yeah.
Why? Well, I just thought maybe you'd like to go over to my chair and sit and study over there.
Huh? Yeah.
Hey, listen, I do my best thinking in that chair.
When I'm in that chair, I don't know what's going on.
Well, thanks, Arch.
This is fine here.
Yeah.
Good, good.
You just keep soaking up them words, whatever they are.
That's what a student ought to do.
Pass them exams, get out there in life.
Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-- [HUMMING.]
Huh? You got a new home there, Billy boy.
What are you gonna do with that? I'm gonna hang that in my den.
What den? The den I'm gonna have in your bedroom.
After you pass your exams and graduate and get outta here.
Can't even wait for our bedroom to get cold, huh, Arch? Well, listen, you know yourself, it's gonna take years for that room to cool down.
Arch, why would anybody wanna hang a thing like this in a house? That there is a trophy.
You hang trophies in the den in the house.
It's barbaric.
No, it's a goat.
I know what it is.
It's another example of senseless slaughter.
It ain't no slaughter.
Barney Hefner got that hunting.
He killed it with his M-1.
Well, why doesn't he hang it in his house? Because he ain't got a den in his house like I'm gonna have a den in my house.
And by the way, you can have a den in your house someday if you work hard enough.
If I did, I'd be embarrassed to have this thing staring me in the face.
Oh.
Well, you know, I could have the other end of it stuffed for you.
You don't have to do that, Arch.
Just give me a portrait of yourself.
Sure.
Why don't you take a picture of this? [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Daddy, I wish you wouldn't talk to Michael when he is trying to study.
I wish he wouldn't talk to me when he's trying to study.
Hello, Archie.
All right, Edith.
Now, don't ask me how was my day.
I wasn't going to.
I was gonna wait till the argument was over.
It's over.
Oh.
How was your day? Never mind my day.
I got something to show you.
Look at this here.
Oh, my! Yucky! What is that? What do you mean "What is that?" Look at the horns on him.
That there's a killer goat.
Where did you get that? Barney Hefner gave it to me to hang in my den.
What den? The den I'm gonna have in your bedroom when the meathead checks outta here.
I think that's absolutely repulsive.
Oh, yeah? Why? I'm just exchanging one deadhead for another.
Ho-ho-ho.
I don't think I'm gonna like him looking at me with them big sad eyes.
They ain't real eyes, Edith.
Them there are glass eyes.
That wasn't fair of Barney Hefner, shooting a blind animal.
No, no.
[TALKING INCOHERENTLY.]
Honey, wake up.
No.
Michael, you're dreaming again.
No.
[SHOUTING.]
No! Michael! No! Oh, jeez.
There he goes again.
Was that Mike shouting again? No, Edith.
It's Dracula collecting for the blood bank.
He must be having another nightmare.
Oh, well, why can't he have them things in the daytime when people ain't trying to sleep? Gloria says it's about his exams.
I think he's afraid that he ain't gonna pass.
Oh, he ain't got nothing to worry about.
I seen the hippies and bums that go to that college there.
They ain't got a brain in their heads, and he's as smart as any of them.
I ain't looking forward to Mike graduating.
Listen, let him get out and start working so he can start paying me back some of what he owes me for board and lodging here.
Archie, you wouldn't ask him to do that, would ya? [SARCASTICALLY.]
No, no, no, no.
Listen, Edith, you wouldn't want me to break a promise, would you? No.
You should never break a promise.
That's right.
And I promised myself that he was gonna pay me back every cent.
Oh, Archie, maybe they could stay on here for a little longer.
No, no, no.
I'm looking forward to that den I'm gonna have.
Do you realize I'm 50 years of old and I ain't never had a den yet? I didn't know you wanted one that bad.
Oh, Edith, what are you talking about? Every man wants a den of his own.
He can be by himself with his stuff there.
He can have a desk over here and then over here, one of them reclimbing chairs.
What are you gonna do in your den? Edith, you do a lot of things in a den.
You do-- Well, for instance, you take a nap for yourself when you wanna.
Here.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Here.
Close your eyes.
What for? Just close them, huh? Just for a little surprise here.
Oh! Ha.
All right.
Now, don't open them till I say "Open.
" All right.
All right.
Okay.
Open them.
Archie, you've got a pipe.
Yeah.
Ain't that something? That's one of the most important things you do in a den.
You sit there and you smoke your pipe, you pet the dog-- We ain't got a dog.
Ah, shut up! Here you go, honey.
You'll feel better if you drink this glass of water.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, Michael, lots of students have nightmares about failing their exams.
But you're not gonna fail.
It's just a dream.
I know, Gloria.
But it's always the same dream.
I finish my exams and I think I've done well, straight A's, right? So I rush home so that you and I can celebrate in private.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
We send out for pizza.
Oh.
Yeah.
And then I'm waiting for my results, but nobody'll tell me how I did.
So I go walking from door to door.
And you know who answers every door? Archie.
Yeah.
And he keeps saying the same thing to me.
Every time I knock on the door he says, "Don't knock.
Give it a Polack ring.
" So I say, "What's a Polack ring?" He says, "A dumb bell.
" I tell you, it's a nightmare.
Oh, honey, you ought to try and get some sleep.
I can't, Gloria.
You know what the worst part of it is? When the telephone comes to the door.
A telephone-- Yeah.
Comes to the door? A giant payphone, and it tells me that Professor Blake wants to see me immediately.
So I'm running through the campus and all of a sudden, the sidewalks are turning into quicksand.
Every step I take, I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand.
And just before I go under, Professor Blake, who's hanging from a tree, he grabs me, pulls me out and saves my life.
Well, at least your nightmare has a happy ending.
No! That's when he tells me I failed! Oh, honey, come on.
Get under the blankets here.
Now, try.
Try to get some sleep.
I can't, Gloria.
I'll just have that nightmare all over again.
Try! I can't! It's impossible! Well, all right, honey.
Then as long as you're up, I wanna talk to you about something that's really been worrying me.
You see, I'm gonna keep working until you get a job and, well, maybe even after that, and I don't know if I'm gonna be able to work and keep house all at the same time.
I've been worried about this for a long time.
I just didn't know how to bring it up and talk to you about it, honey.
What if I can't keep house and work at the same time? I'm afraid I might fail you.
[SNORES.]
[FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS.]
Hi, honey.
It's a beautiful morning.
Why don't we get outta the house? No, no, no, Gloria.
I can't.
The mail hasn't come yet.
It's been two weeks since the exams.
The results are due today.
I made some coffee and I've got some nice fresh doughnuts.
Maybe a doughnut will take your mind off the exams.
No, it won't, Ma.
It'll just remind me of what I'm gonna get.
A zero.
Ohhh.
Well, let's see.
Maybe if I took two doughnuts and put a Twinkie in front of them, it would look like 100.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ah, that's him! That's him! That's the mailman! He's here.
He's bringing it special delivery.
Oh, it's only you, Irene.
Isn't it wonderful to be popular? I'm sorry.
Come on in.
EDITH: Hello, Irene.
GLORIA: You'll have to forgive Michael.
He's waiting for his exam results to come.
Still no news? No! Ohh.
Would you like some coffee, Irene? Oh, no, thank you.
I just came to give you this envelope.
I'm collecting for Charities United.
Oh, I'll get you some money right away.
You don't have to give it to me right this minute.
I can come back next week.
Oh, no, I better give it to you now.
Yeah, before Archie gets home and says he gave at the office.
I gather Archie doesn't believe in charities.
No, no.
He believes in them.
He just thinks that they should be self-supporting.
Here you are.
Oh, thank you, Edith.
Hey, hey! Shush, shush, shush! I think I hear the mailman.
I think I hear him.
That's him.
I think I hear him.
That was him.
He was just here.
He left the mail.
The mail's in the mailbox.
Go, Gloria, get the mail.
What? Please! Get the mail from the mailbox! Mike, I bet you're gonna get all A's.
Ma, what are you trying to do, jinx me? Relax, Mike.
Like Frank always says, "Que sera, sera.
" That's right.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Here, honey.
Here's the mail.
Here's the mail.
Open the mail.
No.
Michael, I think you should open it.
Gloria, please, just open the mail and don't tell me unless it's good news, please.
Oh, God! It isn't here.
It isn't here? What do you mean, it isn't here? It isn't here.
That's it, they're torturing me.
You see? Two weeks, I've been waiting for these results.
By the time I get the results, I'll be in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
That's what happens, you know.
Some guys jump off bridges, commit suicide.
But, Mike, they really regret it later.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
I'll get it.
Torture.
It's the Chinese water torture.
Two weeks, I'm waiting here.
GLORIA: Just a minute, please.
Michael, it's Professor Blake! It's Professor Blake.
It's Professor Blake.
Professor-- Professor Blake.
Hello, professor.
Yeah, this is Michael Stivic.
No, no, I was just sitting around the house, relaxing, having a few laughs, ha, ha, ha, ha.
What? Uh, yeah, sure, I could do that right away.
Yeah.
All right.
Goodbye.
Well, what did he want? He wants me to come see him.
Now? Right now.
This is it, my dream come true.
Oh, that's nice, Mike.
Nice? I failed! Did he say that? No, he didn't say that.
But why else would he want me to come to see him? Honey, it's just a coincidence.
Dreams don't come true.
Good dreams don't come true.
This dream is coming true right now! Wait for me.
I'll come with you.
Good.
You can help pull me out of the quicksand.
Good luck, Mike.
Oh, yeah.
Bye.
Oh, I gotta get home.
Oh, Irene, please, stay for a minute.
Sit down here and have some coffee.
Oh, okay.
Just for a minute, though.
Irene, you're a good Catholic.
Do you think God listens every time you talk to him? I hope so.
I've asked for some heavy favors lately.
I hope he ain't listening every time.
Why? Maybe he'd be like my grandfather was.
He used to sit there nodding and smiling when you was talking to him, and all the time he had his hearing aid turned off.
I don't think God needs a hearing aid.
Well, maybe sometimes he's asleep and don't know you're talking to him.
Even God must have to sleep sometime.
I mean, he's only human.
Edith, what is it? What's bothering you? If Mike fails his exams, I think it might be because of a prayer God heard.
You prayed for Mike to fail? Well, I didn't mean to, but maybe I did.
You see, when Mike graduates, he and Gloria are moving into their own apartment and I've been praying that they would stay here.
That's not the same as praying for Mike to fail.
Yeah.
But maybe God couldn't fix it no other way.
You've gotta stop feeling guilty.
I'm sure God knows exactly what you mean.
It's a terrible feeling, Irene, to want something good for yourself and something good for somebody else, but you don't want your something good to make their something good bad or even their something good to make your something good vice versa.
You see what I mean? I'm sure God understood that perfectly.
I'll see you later, Edith.
Oh, all right.
Thanks, Irene.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, dear.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
Coming.
Hello? Lucille? There ain't no Lucille here.
No, Joe ain't here either.
I don't know.
Maybe he's out with Lucille.
I think you got the wrong number.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
Archie says I should never give out our phone number.
What number did you want? That's very close! Every number is the same except one.
Why don't you try again? I'm sure you'd do better next time.
Bye.
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
Coming! Edith, this is from Mike's college.
The mailman left it in our mailbox by mistake.
Oh, it must be the results.
Oh, I'm dying to know what he got.
Why don't you open it up and find out, huh? Oh, I couldn't do that.
Certainly you could do that.
No, Archie, I can't open it.
They're Mike's marks and they're private.
Give it to me.
I'll open it.
But they're private.
No, they ain't private, they're public.
That's a public college he goes to, ain't it? I support that college with my tax money, same as I do the armed forces and the garbage.
I got a right as a taxpayer to know what goes on with that money.
That's in the Constitution, Edith.
Ain't you ever heard of "No taxation without regimentation"? I still don't think it's right.
Oh, leave it to me, will you? Oh, look at this.
The way they send things nowadays.
Here's nearly a whole half a flap that ain't pasted down.
They didn't do it right.
I mean, a person could put a finger in there, I mean, even by mistake, and look what happens.
Imagine them sending things through the mail like that.
Anything could get lost.
Just check and see if everything's in here.
Yeah.
Well, everything's in here.
Oh, that's good.
Well, as long as it's open Huh? Let's see here.
"Dear sir, You have passed all of your courses and met require--" Look at that, huh? He passed! Mike passed? That's right, the meathead graduated.
He's getting the hell out of here.
Oh, that's wonderful.
"Wonderful" is right, Edith.
Well, if it's wonderful, what's that look on your face for there? Ain't you happy? Yeah, I'm very happy for Mike.
You're happy for Mike? What about happy for me? You happy for me, Edith? Whoop-de-do.
Whoop-de-do.
Whoop-de-do.
Whoop-de-do.
Whoop-de-do.
Where are you going? I'll be right back downstairs.
I'm just going up here for a minute.
Hey, Ma, Michael passed! I passed! I know.
What? I mean, congratulations, Mike.
I'm very happy for you.
Oh, thanks, Ma.
A little celebration.
I brought some pizza, ice cream and a little bubbly.
You got champagne? No, no.
Bromo Seltzer for after.
I'm kidding! I'm having fun.
I passed! Where's Daddy? He went upstairs.
I guess the excitement was too much for him.
What excitement? [HUMMING.]
Good evening to one and all.
Archie, look at you.
Huh? Pretty spiffy, huh, Edith? Hey, what do I remind you of? Let me see.
Give me a hint.
Uh, My Fair Lady.
Audrey Hepburn? No, no.
The man in the picture.
The other guy, that sang that, er, "I Got Accustomed to First Base," or whatever.
Tex Harrison.
Oh, yeah.
Archie, I gave you this sweater six years ago for Christmas.
I didn't think you liked it because you never wore it.
Daddy, don't you wanna hear about Michael? I know all about it.
He passed.
He's graduated.
How did you know that? Well, after all, you've been living with me for four years.
Some brains must've rubbed off on you, huh? Ma, Daddy, I bet you'll never guess why Professor Blake wanted to talk to Michael.
He told-- No, Michael, put down the pizza.
Come here.
Tell them yourself.
Professor Blake said that my grades were so good that I graduated in the top Hey, hey, Edith.
Did you hear that? The boy's grades are tops there.
He can walk out of college, that means, and go into any position he wants.
He said I could get a fellowship.
Take it, take it.
What's that, an out-of-town job? No, no, no, Daddy.
Michael's gonna stay on at school here and get his master's degree.
He's staying on at school? Yep.
For another year.
You're staying on at school? That means you don't have to leave home after all.
Staying at school? Yeah, Arch, you see, with a bachelor's degree, it doesn't mean anything anymore.
To get anywhere nowadays, you have to have a master's.
School? I'm so happy for you, Mike.
Aren't you happy, Archie? He's staying on at school? Yeah, Daddy.
That's what a fellowship means.
Oh, that's what a fellowship means.
He's staying on at school! That's a fellowship, huh? Oh, a fellowship, huh? A fellowship.
Well, I think I know what I better do.
I better go out on Long Island and get myself a fellowship in the funny farm.
I'll be acting like Crazy Louie, living in the past.
"The Japs are coming! The Japs are coming! [YELLING.]
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.