Weird Science s04e24 Episode Script
Pirates!
You make man? No, woman.
Woman.
THEME SONG: Weird science, pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts, and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, and bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, my creation.
It's my creation.
No hesitation.
No heart of gold, just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, my creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and form my head, why don't people understand? It's alive, alive! Onward, ho.
I'm on a pirate ship.
Sweeter than ambrosia 'cause everybody knows ya.
Yo-ho-ho.
Of this you can be sure.
Our happy pirate hearts are pure.
Very nice, everyone.
Just a note on that.
Tenors, you're pirates, not pastry chefs.
Try to stomp around a bit more.
All right.
Let's move on to the next section, shall we? Places and cue music.
Cue music! What is that boy up to now? I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with this.
Trust me.
It'll look a lot better once I get the glitter on.
You really need to get some female friends.
PRINCIPAL: Mr.
Wallace! Lulabelle, Lulabelle.
Roger, Roger.
You give to me.
I give to you a salty brand of loving on a crystal sea of a big, bright, twinkling moon.
CHORUS: Lulabelle, she's so swell.
Jolly Roger.
This is good.
This is raw.
This is theater.
Everyone line up for the poop deck shuffle.
Real good job there, Jess.
Jessica.
Right, sorry.
And by the way, quit trying to slip me tongue during the kiss.
I had chapped lips.
I was just trying to moisten them! Aw hell.
Poor Wyatt.
They have such great chemistry onstage too.
Too bad it doesn't spill over into real life.
What if it did? I could make Jessica as goofy in love as her character.
What's the point of having godlike powers if you don't abuse 'em? My thoughts exactly.
Now, let me concentrate.
I don't wanna screw this spell up.
This has to be a surgical strike, quick and clean, laser-precise.
Check out the size of that rat.
I hear music me lads! Onward, ho.
We're shoving off, me lads.
Our cup was set for slaughter.
The blood will flow like water.
Maim, loot, maim.
We'll maim and loot some more.
It's mayhem that we're hungry for! Ahoy, 'tis a fop.
Forward, lads.
I wager he's got booty to spare! Well, well, a horde of brawny saber-wielding men advancing on me.
I don't mind telling you that I'm actually quite frightened at the moment.
What the hell happened? Kind of made the musical leak out in the real world.
Leak? This is more than a leak.
It did kind of slush out the sides, didn't it? Flay the shrinking bugger.
Not on my watch.
Oh, sweet Roger, I'd feared the worst.
Huh? Roger, Roger, Roger! You know, it's OK for you to call me Wyatt.
Why would I call you Wyatt when as sure as the sons are born, and after the black-veiled night, I am your sweet Lulabelle, and you are my Jolly Roger.
Gotta be Lisa-- uh, Jessica.
By any chance, do you think we're the characters from the play? Jessica? Lulabelle? Yes, my love? I'm a bad, bad person.
What happened? The zap rebounded.
You gotta remember, I can't undo my own magic.
You OK? Yeah.
The key's not to clench up when you see it coming.
How could you miss that ball, red? 'Tis as broad as a blue whale's belly! Be you insulting the marksmanship of a pirate king? No, sir.
I wouldn't do a thing like that, sir.
No! [GUNSHOT.]
Further merriment, we'll let the mealy worm sing for his life! I don't understand! The king's gonna make you sing! Sing for your life.
That's what I'm suggesting.
Or you'll get a much better look at your lower intestine.
Let your sweet voice echo through the halls.
Or you'll see your guts festooned upon the walls! I'm really, really, frightened now.
And I wish my mommy would come save me.
Very, very good.
Very good.
Please, flatter an old man.
Had I lured those dulcet tones at sea, you surely would have lured me into the rocks.
I think I'll be keeping you around! Onward, ho.
We're off into the halls.
We sail across the tiles that seem to stretch for miles! Yo-ho-ho.
Sweet, sizzling skidmarks.
Who's been shaking the freak tree? Is the land scum taunting us? I'm afraid it's our vessel, sir.
It's not inspiring the terror we'd hoped.
Hey, hey, pal.
This is a trouble-free zone.
I'm just here to pick up my brother.
Avast, bilge rat.
Sing for your life! Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing.
The king's gonna make you sing! Sing for your l-- I hate show tunes.
My, he's bested the Cap'n! Long live the new pirate king.
[SHOUTING.]
Arr! All right, you lusty sea dogs, break it up.
I don't know who wished what, but thank you, thank you, thank you.
Save the gratitude.
The school's been overrun by a band of bloodthirsty, psychotic pirates.
And If.
We don't do something quick, we may not live to see tomorrow.
Are your toenails painted? Huh? Chester, Chester, snap out of it.
It's me, Principal Scampi.
Never heard of you, slave.
Chet the pirate? Why does that make sense to me? Go forth, Roger.
Acquaint them with the business end of your fine, English steel.
Are you kidding? Those pirates have big, pointy swords.
Mine's rubber! Over here, you cowardly sea dogs.
My Jolly Roger will cut you from stem to stern and back again! Brave Roger, why do you scuttle away like the cowardly fiddler crab? Because like the wily fiddler crab, I value a tactical retreat.
Look, boys, two for the killing and two for the keeping.
Am I one for the keeping? WOMAN (ON TAPE): You see the female body in the second trimester of pregnancy prepare to provide sustenance to the new baby.
You may notice the breasts have become fuller, rounder, more shapely.
My Roger's righteous blade shall puncture your scurvy-- Sweet Roger, do you take me to safety so that my virgin eyes will not be soiled by the blood-soaked mayhem to be inflicted by your mighty sword arm -Yeah.
WOMAN (ON TAPE): The miracle of childbirth.
Having served its function, the afterbirth is now expelled.
Cap'n, I be ready to go now.
Where be the yellow mongrels? Excuse me, fellas.
Maybe we should forget about those kids and go find us some treasure.
Know ye of treasure? I have a map.
Excellent.
Kill him.
Take the map.
But wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't have it on me.
I left it on the Xerox machine.
Why don't I go get it and come back with it.
The map, that is.
Cap'n, the Xerox room be that way.
After him! MAN: Hoist the sails and weigh anchor! So that giant hole in the wall, is it new? Onward, ho.
We're off into the streets for pillage and for plunder while tearing folks asunder.
Yo-ho-ho.
We'll raise our sabers high and chop them into shepherd's pie! Steady as she goes! What are ye, on holiday? Pedal faster, you foppish prat, or I'll use your tongue as a tattoo blotter.
I hate that one.
There's a ship off to starboard, Cap'n.
Fire! Arr, we be home, boys! Onward, ho, into the petting zoo, inflicting bloody traumas on baby goats and llamas.
Yo-ho-ho.
Adventure waits inside.
Perhaps I'll get a pony ride! Help yourself to one of these! Life is good, my sons.
A bundle of booty, a village ripe for terrorizing, and all the churros you can eat.
Take another drink.
Go, my sweet.
Slay the miscreants.
-Shh.
Not so loud! My love gives me the courage of a hundred lions, for Jolly Roger will always protect me! [MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
It's OK.
They didn't hear us.
Knock it off.
Oh, you've got spirit, little one.
I think I'll have a bit of sport with you before I cleave your mottled carcass.
He's a lively one! What was that? Of course, it's the hats.
We have to knock the hats off the pirates, and then they turn back into the dressmaker's dummies.
It makes perfect sense.
Oh yeah, perfect sense.
How did you become a genie anyway? Win a radio contest? We've gotta get in close and knock the hats off.
Without those pirates chopping us into bite-sized chunks? Tell me how.
I've got a plan.
That's it! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
Arr, I hear music.
Every fiber of my pirate being is torn.
I should slice you into seabiscuits.
But the music beckons.
Singing pirates, they're conditioned to respond to music.
Yeah, but disco music? I can't fight it.
You should be impaled on my sword, but my heart says sing, and my feet say boogie.
Join the pirates! Be a bawdy buccaneer! Join the pirates! Inhibitions disappear.
The pirates watch you, and we don't like to beg, so start shaking a wooden leg! Join the pirates! Bring your cutlass and your sword.
Join the pirates! If you've got a shaky gourd.
You can plunder a ship full of Spanish dubloons while your buddies are chanting tunes! Booty, booty, everybody get some booty.
Booty, booty, everybody shake that booty.
This is church, and this is the steeple.
We're the original village people.
It's fun to hang with the-- Pirates! We'll set a course for Funky Town.
Join the pirates.
Do the hustle as your drown.
We don't know your sign, and we don't wear tight jeans, but we're seafaring sex machines.
Our boys are buff and scarred, our wenches soft and curvy, but they'll suck a lemon to avoid the scurvy.
Captain, slow and sexy, and baby, he can go all night.
He fires, fires off that cannon, my, my, my, until he gets it right.
[CANNONFIRE.]
Got to, got to, got to, got to, got to join with the-- Pirates! And learn complicated knots.
Join the pirates! [INAUDIBLE.]
We've got plenty of rum.
Grab a bottle and drink till your timbers are shivering! Join the pirates.
Bring your crossbones and your skull.
Join the pirates.
Or we'll strap you to the hull.
Ahoy.
We've got looting to do.
Join the pirates.
Teach your parrot how to dance? Angus? Mr.
Bloody? Hooksie? It's over, Chet.
You're on your own.
Give it up.
Never.
Ye have not defeated me while I still breathe.
I will return.
The sun will be blackened by the smoke from your burning cities.
I'll lay waste to your navies.
And the charred bones of my enemies will fill your cities.
Oh crap! Man, this water reeks.
There's a new captain in town.
And his name is Jolly Roger.
Lulabelle, Lulabelle? Roger, Roger.
I gave to you.
You gave to me a salty brand of loving on a tiny pond of brackish, stagnant sea.
THEME SONG: Weird science, fantasy and microchips, shooting from the ship, something different.
We're making weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation.
Is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my head, why don't people understand my intentions?
Woman.
THEME SONG: Weird science, pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts, and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, and bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation, my creation.
It's my creation.
No hesitation.
No heart of gold, just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation, my creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and form my head, why don't people understand? It's alive, alive! Onward, ho.
I'm on a pirate ship.
Sweeter than ambrosia 'cause everybody knows ya.
Yo-ho-ho.
Of this you can be sure.
Our happy pirate hearts are pure.
Very nice, everyone.
Just a note on that.
Tenors, you're pirates, not pastry chefs.
Try to stomp around a bit more.
All right.
Let's move on to the next section, shall we? Places and cue music.
Cue music! What is that boy up to now? I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with this.
Trust me.
It'll look a lot better once I get the glitter on.
You really need to get some female friends.
PRINCIPAL: Mr.
Wallace! Lulabelle, Lulabelle.
Roger, Roger.
You give to me.
I give to you a salty brand of loving on a crystal sea of a big, bright, twinkling moon.
CHORUS: Lulabelle, she's so swell.
Jolly Roger.
This is good.
This is raw.
This is theater.
Everyone line up for the poop deck shuffle.
Real good job there, Jess.
Jessica.
Right, sorry.
And by the way, quit trying to slip me tongue during the kiss.
I had chapped lips.
I was just trying to moisten them! Aw hell.
Poor Wyatt.
They have such great chemistry onstage too.
Too bad it doesn't spill over into real life.
What if it did? I could make Jessica as goofy in love as her character.
What's the point of having godlike powers if you don't abuse 'em? My thoughts exactly.
Now, let me concentrate.
I don't wanna screw this spell up.
This has to be a surgical strike, quick and clean, laser-precise.
Check out the size of that rat.
I hear music me lads! Onward, ho.
We're shoving off, me lads.
Our cup was set for slaughter.
The blood will flow like water.
Maim, loot, maim.
We'll maim and loot some more.
It's mayhem that we're hungry for! Ahoy, 'tis a fop.
Forward, lads.
I wager he's got booty to spare! Well, well, a horde of brawny saber-wielding men advancing on me.
I don't mind telling you that I'm actually quite frightened at the moment.
What the hell happened? Kind of made the musical leak out in the real world.
Leak? This is more than a leak.
It did kind of slush out the sides, didn't it? Flay the shrinking bugger.
Not on my watch.
Oh, sweet Roger, I'd feared the worst.
Huh? Roger, Roger, Roger! You know, it's OK for you to call me Wyatt.
Why would I call you Wyatt when as sure as the sons are born, and after the black-veiled night, I am your sweet Lulabelle, and you are my Jolly Roger.
Gotta be Lisa-- uh, Jessica.
By any chance, do you think we're the characters from the play? Jessica? Lulabelle? Yes, my love? I'm a bad, bad person.
What happened? The zap rebounded.
You gotta remember, I can't undo my own magic.
You OK? Yeah.
The key's not to clench up when you see it coming.
How could you miss that ball, red? 'Tis as broad as a blue whale's belly! Be you insulting the marksmanship of a pirate king? No, sir.
I wouldn't do a thing like that, sir.
No! [GUNSHOT.]
Further merriment, we'll let the mealy worm sing for his life! I don't understand! The king's gonna make you sing! Sing for your life.
That's what I'm suggesting.
Or you'll get a much better look at your lower intestine.
Let your sweet voice echo through the halls.
Or you'll see your guts festooned upon the walls! I'm really, really, frightened now.
And I wish my mommy would come save me.
Very, very good.
Very good.
Please, flatter an old man.
Had I lured those dulcet tones at sea, you surely would have lured me into the rocks.
I think I'll be keeping you around! Onward, ho.
We're off into the halls.
We sail across the tiles that seem to stretch for miles! Yo-ho-ho.
Sweet, sizzling skidmarks.
Who's been shaking the freak tree? Is the land scum taunting us? I'm afraid it's our vessel, sir.
It's not inspiring the terror we'd hoped.
Hey, hey, pal.
This is a trouble-free zone.
I'm just here to pick up my brother.
Avast, bilge rat.
Sing for your life! Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing.
The king's gonna make you sing! Sing for your l-- I hate show tunes.
My, he's bested the Cap'n! Long live the new pirate king.
[SHOUTING.]
Arr! All right, you lusty sea dogs, break it up.
I don't know who wished what, but thank you, thank you, thank you.
Save the gratitude.
The school's been overrun by a band of bloodthirsty, psychotic pirates.
And If.
We don't do something quick, we may not live to see tomorrow.
Are your toenails painted? Huh? Chester, Chester, snap out of it.
It's me, Principal Scampi.
Never heard of you, slave.
Chet the pirate? Why does that make sense to me? Go forth, Roger.
Acquaint them with the business end of your fine, English steel.
Are you kidding? Those pirates have big, pointy swords.
Mine's rubber! Over here, you cowardly sea dogs.
My Jolly Roger will cut you from stem to stern and back again! Brave Roger, why do you scuttle away like the cowardly fiddler crab? Because like the wily fiddler crab, I value a tactical retreat.
Look, boys, two for the killing and two for the keeping.
Am I one for the keeping? WOMAN (ON TAPE): You see the female body in the second trimester of pregnancy prepare to provide sustenance to the new baby.
You may notice the breasts have become fuller, rounder, more shapely.
My Roger's righteous blade shall puncture your scurvy-- Sweet Roger, do you take me to safety so that my virgin eyes will not be soiled by the blood-soaked mayhem to be inflicted by your mighty sword arm -Yeah.
WOMAN (ON TAPE): The miracle of childbirth.
Having served its function, the afterbirth is now expelled.
Cap'n, I be ready to go now.
Where be the yellow mongrels? Excuse me, fellas.
Maybe we should forget about those kids and go find us some treasure.
Know ye of treasure? I have a map.
Excellent.
Kill him.
Take the map.
But wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't have it on me.
I left it on the Xerox machine.
Why don't I go get it and come back with it.
The map, that is.
Cap'n, the Xerox room be that way.
After him! MAN: Hoist the sails and weigh anchor! So that giant hole in the wall, is it new? Onward, ho.
We're off into the streets for pillage and for plunder while tearing folks asunder.
Yo-ho-ho.
We'll raise our sabers high and chop them into shepherd's pie! Steady as she goes! What are ye, on holiday? Pedal faster, you foppish prat, or I'll use your tongue as a tattoo blotter.
I hate that one.
There's a ship off to starboard, Cap'n.
Fire! Arr, we be home, boys! Onward, ho, into the petting zoo, inflicting bloody traumas on baby goats and llamas.
Yo-ho-ho.
Adventure waits inside.
Perhaps I'll get a pony ride! Help yourself to one of these! Life is good, my sons.
A bundle of booty, a village ripe for terrorizing, and all the churros you can eat.
Take another drink.
Go, my sweet.
Slay the miscreants.
-Shh.
Not so loud! My love gives me the courage of a hundred lions, for Jolly Roger will always protect me! [MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
It's OK.
They didn't hear us.
Knock it off.
Oh, you've got spirit, little one.
I think I'll have a bit of sport with you before I cleave your mottled carcass.
He's a lively one! What was that? Of course, it's the hats.
We have to knock the hats off the pirates, and then they turn back into the dressmaker's dummies.
It makes perfect sense.
Oh yeah, perfect sense.
How did you become a genie anyway? Win a radio contest? We've gotta get in close and knock the hats off.
Without those pirates chopping us into bite-sized chunks? Tell me how.
I've got a plan.
That's it! [MUSIC PLAYING.]
Arr, I hear music.
Every fiber of my pirate being is torn.
I should slice you into seabiscuits.
But the music beckons.
Singing pirates, they're conditioned to respond to music.
Yeah, but disco music? I can't fight it.
You should be impaled on my sword, but my heart says sing, and my feet say boogie.
Join the pirates! Be a bawdy buccaneer! Join the pirates! Inhibitions disappear.
The pirates watch you, and we don't like to beg, so start shaking a wooden leg! Join the pirates! Bring your cutlass and your sword.
Join the pirates! If you've got a shaky gourd.
You can plunder a ship full of Spanish dubloons while your buddies are chanting tunes! Booty, booty, everybody get some booty.
Booty, booty, everybody shake that booty.
This is church, and this is the steeple.
We're the original village people.
It's fun to hang with the-- Pirates! We'll set a course for Funky Town.
Join the pirates.
Do the hustle as your drown.
We don't know your sign, and we don't wear tight jeans, but we're seafaring sex machines.
Our boys are buff and scarred, our wenches soft and curvy, but they'll suck a lemon to avoid the scurvy.
Captain, slow and sexy, and baby, he can go all night.
He fires, fires off that cannon, my, my, my, until he gets it right.
[CANNONFIRE.]
Got to, got to, got to, got to, got to join with the-- Pirates! And learn complicated knots.
Join the pirates! [INAUDIBLE.]
We've got plenty of rum.
Grab a bottle and drink till your timbers are shivering! Join the pirates.
Bring your crossbones and your skull.
Join the pirates.
Or we'll strap you to the hull.
Ahoy.
We've got looting to do.
Join the pirates.
Teach your parrot how to dance? Angus? Mr.
Bloody? Hooksie? It's over, Chet.
You're on your own.
Give it up.
Never.
Ye have not defeated me while I still breathe.
I will return.
The sun will be blackened by the smoke from your burning cities.
I'll lay waste to your navies.
And the charred bones of my enemies will fill your cities.
Oh crap! Man, this water reeks.
There's a new captain in town.
And his name is Jolly Roger.
Lulabelle, Lulabelle? Roger, Roger.
I gave to you.
You gave to me a salty brand of loving on a tiny pond of brackish, stagnant sea.
THEME SONG: Weird science, fantasy and microchips, shooting from the ship, something different.
We're making weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation.
Is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my head, why don't people understand my intentions?