In Living Color (1990) s04e25 Episode Script

[Announcer.]
This week, In Living Color asks the question.
.
.
"What if Barbra Streisand were black?" Yeah.
Steppin' to the mike tonight from around the way, the first lady of rap.
Give it up for M.
C.
Barbra.
[Rap Beat.]
All right.
M.
C.
"B" in the house.
Oh, my goodness.
How's everybody doin'? Ooh, I like your blouse.
Listen, I'm a little excited.
I wanna thank you all for makin' my album, Baby's Got Nose, go double platinum.
How about that? Let's kick it.
- Everybody say "ho.
" - Ho.
- Everybody say "ho-ho.
" - Ho-ho.
Now somebody, anybody, scream! Bust a spin.
You can do me in the morningYou can do me in the night Smack it up, flame it down, rub it up Oh, no.
Whoo! Wave your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care - Come on! - I said wave your hands in the air.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
I could use a manicure.
Anybody got polish? Oh.
What up, Doc? Oh, never mind.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a tripand sip on a dream Glide with the guideon a funky scene Here comes another oneof those funky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughswith talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe, but someof the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go [Megaphone Plays Tune.]
All right, people! Freeze! Single file! One at a time! You know, there's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Al Macafee.
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with his trusty sidekick, the Detecto 2000.
Now, if I catch you with a gun, you're expelled.
If I catch you with a knife, you're suspended.
And if I catch you with some girlie magazines, i.
e.
, pornography.
.
.
you'll, uh, get 'em back by the end of the year.
- [Alarm Blares.]
- Hold it right there, Webster.
- What are you trying to sneak past me, son? - Nothing, Mr.
Macafee.
Well, we'll just see about that.
Spread 'em! And what do you call this, huh? What are you doin' with this? A ninja death star, Mr.
Manson? It's a compass.
I need it for my geometry test.
- Do I look like an infant to you, son? - No.
- Do I look like a newborn baby, son? - No.
Then I wasn't born yesterday! Maybe you haven't heard Mr.
Macafee's speech on sharp, pointed objects.
If I have to point it out, then you're out.
Now, get out! - [Alarm Blaring.]
- Hold it right there, Cleopatra Jones.
- Right over here, baby.
Hold it still.
- [Wand Buzzing.]
What do you got in there, sweetie? Huh? You carrying a Derringer in that jib of yours? Open it up.
Come on.
I said "ah.
" Oh, my God.
What is this thing? That's my retainer, Mr.
Macafee, and now my teeth'll never be straight.
- I'll be ugly.
- I got news for you, missy.
You could have the teeth ofJulia Roberts.
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.
and you still won't be shoppin' for a prom dress.
Now, am-scray, eagle beak.
Go on, jaws.
Attention, delinquents.
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.
I think it's high time you heard Mr.
Macafee's speech on weapons.
Guns are like women.
You keep one around long enough.
.
.
and sooner or later, you're gonna wanna shoot it.
Oh, hold it right there, Ms.
Hathaway.
[Laughs Unctuously.]
Now, you know no one avoids the scrutiny of the Detecto 2000.
Macafee, I don't have time for this.
I'm a teacher.
Now, now, now, now.
We have to set an example for the kids.
[Laughs.]
Let's check you out, sugar smacks.
- [Wand Beeps.]
- Looks like somebody's tryin'.
.
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to smuggle a pair of Scuds there.
I'm wearing an underwire bra, you idiot.
Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pat you down and see for myself.
- No way, Macafee.
- Now, Ms.
Hathaway, I'm a professional.
Do you think I could possibly derive some sort of sensual pleasure.
.
.
by simply doing my job? No.
Now, spread 'em! - Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
- Get off me, you sicko.
[Coughing.]
All right, you little criminals.
- Who's laughing at me? Huh? Who's laughing at me? - [Alarm Blaring.]
You're gonna be laughin' in detention.
Oh! Damn this metal hip.
You know, you kids are laughin' now, but nobody was laughin' when this war hero jumped.
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out of a chopper over Moo Goo Gai Pan.
- [Alarm Blaring.]
- Hold it right there, Son of Sam.
Yo.
You know what? I'm glad you're on the job, Mr.
Macafee.
.
.
'cause I don't feel safe up in here, know what I'm sayin'? Well, thanks a lot, son.
You know, sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.
- You're not still bangin', are you? - No, I ain't doin' that.
All right then.
Let's have a look in your jacket.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What do we have here? A harmonica, huh? You know, son, there were many nights.
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in the old foxhole with my other male compatriots.
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all we had is Judy Garland records and each other's company.
And, of course, the mouth organ was my only true friend.
- You know "Jimmy Crack Corn"? - Nah.
- And I don't care.
- Maybe I could play that for you sometime, Mr.
Macafee.
- [Coughs.]
Hey, hey, boys.
- [Alarm Blares.]
You're R.
O.
T.
C? Take it on through.
You're doing a fine job, Mr.
Macafee.
Hey, keep up the good work.
Why, thanks a lot.
Is it Leroy? Section 18.
Know your mom and dad well.
You know, you're one of the good apples, Leroy.
Okay.
One at a time.
Yeah, I guess they know who's in charge here.
Alan Macafee, that's who.
[Sighs.]
Oh, my.
Good morning.
Let me just get myself organized here.
Okay.
Well.
Who is next, please? Hello there, sir.
How are you? - Fine.
How are you? [Clears Throat.]
- Let me guess.
- You're an American Indian, aren't you? - Native American.
Native American.
That's right.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Politically correct.
Between the coloreds wanting to be called Afro-Americans, and don't even try.
.
.
to explain to me the difference between the Asians and the Orientals.
I know one of'em's a rug.
[Laughs.]
But listen.
How can I help you? Did you hear what I said? "How" can I help you? [Laughs.]
- Uh, l.
.
.
- Oh, I slay myself.
Well, I'm new in town, and I'm looking for a job.
Well, of course you are.
Now, how long have you been off the reservation? Listen.
I know how traumatizing it can be.
.
.
to be in an urban dwelling for the first time.
I do know something of your pain, you know.
Just the other night, I rented Dances with Wolves.
Look, I need a job today if you got one.
Oh, well, of course.
We'll fill out an application.
Now, I'm sorry.
What was your name? What is it that you do with wolves? Never mind.
I'll come back tomorrow, okay? Well, all right, but you're never gonna get anywhere with that kind of attitude.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, would you look at you, you jolly old elf? I could have used you back in December, what with all the calls I was getting.
.
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for department store Santas.
You just would never believe it.
Well, for heaven's sake.
[Sniffs.]
Who's next, please? - I am.
- Hello there, dear.
I am Sheila Peace.
Hello.
Um, I'm looking for a job, but in the meantime.
.
.
I'd like to collect unemployment.
Oh, well, of course.
Now, you will have to fill out an application.
- All right.
- Here we are.
Now.
.
.
[Clears Throat.]
What was your name before you embraced the ways of Muhammed.
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.
or whatever you say.
.
.
I mean, listen to me.
I would put down "X," Y,"Z," or whatever chromosome you want.
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.
but the folks upstairs wouldn't be too thrilled, if you know what I mean.
You know, I can really respect your whole denouncing of whitey.
.
.
but let's just focus on getting you a job, shall we? Can I fill out the application by myself, please? Oh, no.
I'm afraid it would be much, much better if I helped you fill it out.
- Now, were you laid off? - Yes, I was.
Well, of course you were.
Lfigured as much.
Listen, can I be a friend? If you would just run a comb through that hair of yours.
.
.
your phone would be ringing off the walls.
- You could have any job you wanted.
- Can anyone else help me? Oh, um, "pardonay," amigo.
.
.
but these "cardos" are not written in "Espancholo.
" - ¿Muy bien? - That's okay, lady.
I can read them.
Oh, of course you can.
Very good.
- Are there any listings for any part-time work? - Oh, for heaven's sakes.
What kind of attitude is that? You're never gonna get ahead that way.
Why don't you try something full-time? Lady, I have another job.
I work in produce.
Well, of course you do.
But I have to confess to you.
.
.
I think that kind of work is extremely dangerous.
Dangerous? What are you talking about? I don't understand how it is that you avoid getting hit by a car.
.
.
selling those oranges right off the freeway ramp.
I mean, for heaven's sakes.
.
.
Well, of course.
.
.
what's a little Toyota to you when you're dodgin' bulls all day long? - Olé! - Can I talk to your manager? Just when you said that, you sounded like that what's-his-name.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me.
You look just like him, that, uh, Eugene Nearly Almost.
.
.
- What's his name? - [Grumbles.]
That's the woman I want to file a complaint against.
She insulted me.
- What? - If I owned a mini-mart, I would not need a job.
This dot has nothing to do with laser tag.
Sheila, I've warned you before.
I'll have to talk to you in my office.
Well, now, there must be some sort of misunderstanding, sir.
Can't we all just get along? Ooh.
Excuse me.
You're giving me the bum's rush, sir.
Excuse me.
Oh, judging by the looks of that jacket, I'd say you were our new beauty consultant.
And by the looks of your makeup, I can see that I am needed.
[Giggling.]
That's very cute.
Well, this is your station, and what I'd like for you to do.
.
.
is to start organizing these mascaras in the display case, all right? And we have an overstock on apricot facial masks, so make sure you push them, okay? - Okay.
- I'll be in back if you need me.
All right.
I think I need some help.
I'm glad for you, and I'm sure that your analyst will be very pleased.
.
.
that you have made this breakthrough.
But for right now, why don't you tell me what you need from me.
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.
so I can go back to this life-enriching task of arranging these mascaras.
Okay.
That sounds really good.
I just, um.
.
.
I've never worn makeup before.
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.
and I'm just looking for a brand-new me.
- [Laughs Weakly.]
- [Snorting Laugh.]
Any suggestions? Well, several come to mind, but why don't you try these samples.
.
.
and when you find this new you, why don't you take her out to dinner.
.
.
so you can let me get back to my task.
Excuse me.
I am sure that the Cooties Research Commission.
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.
has given you complete permission to rub your mouth.
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all over any and every object you happen to encounter.
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but this is company lipstick, not your own personal dental retainer.
Tissue anyone? How do I look? [Snorting Laugh.]
Well, that depends on which circus you would like to join.
I mean, I am too sure that Bozo the Clownis out somewhere shakin'in his big, red boots.
.
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knowin' that you are sneakin' in on his territory.
So, um, unless you are auditioningfor The Tammy Faye Bakker Story.
.
.
I would lose a few layers.
- Tissue anyone? - Thank you.
I guess I'll just go home now.
Excuse me, miss.
All the other registers are full.
- Can you ring this up for me? - Why, yes, I can.
The question is will I? The answer is no.
- But there's nobody here.
- This is makeup.
This is a makeup counter.
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where makeup is rung on the register.
So unless this is a new form of cotton eyeliner, of which I am not presently aware.
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.
I suggest you take this merchandise back to the department from whence it came.
Who is your manager? I'd like to lodge a complaint.
Well, that shows you have a lot of spunk, and I am too sure.
.
.
that when you file your blistering condemnation of my retail skills.
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our company stock will plummet on the stock exchange, cause a rash of suicides.
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and trigger global depression.
But my manager is not here at the moment, so you will have to be content.
.
.
with causing a public nuisance.
You don't have to be so mean! - Tissue anyone? - Oh! Uh, excuse me, miss.
I would like for you to give me a facial mask.
I am going to the opera tonight, and I wish to look my best.
Oh, well, I'm sure that when the fat lady looks out from the audience.
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.
- and sees your gleaming, wide-open pores.
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.
- Yes? She will be inspired to her greatest performance.
But for only 12.
99, you could take this apricot mask home and do it yourself.
[Laughs Haughtily.]
No, no, no, dear.
You don't understand.
Money is no object.
I should like you to apply it.
Fine.
- I am too sure Donald Trump will be very pleased.
.
.
- Whoops! To know that you have given me $40 to spread some orange goop all over your face.
Yes, well.
.
.
Oh, my.
- How long should it stay on then? - Ooh.
About two hours.
Two hours? Isn't it usually 15 minutes or so? Yes, that's correct, but unfortunately, this is my lunch hour.
- What? - Tissues are right over there.
[Stuttering.]
Wait! Miss! - [Keyboard.]
- Welcome to the Black People's Show.
And now, here's your host.
.
.
Give it up one time for Lamar Hightower.
Hey! Hi! Thank you.
Welcome to the Black People's Show.
.
.
the show by, for and about peoples of blackness.
Our first celebrity guest has appeared.
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.
on many television shows and infomercials.
Y'all give a nice hand for my main man, CurtJackson.
Brother man here.
Welcometo the Black People's Show, Curt.
Thanks, Lamar.
Now, 'fore I start, I got to tell the brothers at home.
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how proud I am of this black man right up in through here.
Not only are you a working black actor, or "blacktor," as I like to say.
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but you seem to bring dignity and prideto every little part you play.
- Give it up for Curt, everybody.
- [Audience Whooping.]
Now, give it up one more time for me.
So, what you workin' on, Curt? Well, you know, I've worked with all the biggies.
.
.
Wesley, Denzel.
.
.
and I just finished a commercial where I played a raisin.
- A what? - A raisin.
Well, I tell you one thing, brother man: This weekend, the raisin is comin'.
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.
from the Black People's Showcase Theater.
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.
where I will be starring in A Raisin in the Sun.
Hey, now.
Give it up one more time for me, all right? Now, we gonna be raisin' much sayin' over there.
Well, look, Curt, I wanna thank you.
I know you've got things to do.
.
.
places to go, and you can't stay.
- Yes, I can.
I'm not busy.
- Well, you might wanna scoot your little ass down.
All right.
Our next guest is currently on the set.
.
.
of her new hit TV show, Deep Solar System 6.
Now, please welcome live via satellite.
.
.
my main girl, Tonya Hodges.
[Lamarr Laughs.]
Hey, Tonya.
Tonya, you know you one of the hardest-working "blacktresses" in Hollywood today.
- Now, is it tough to maintain your dignity? - Not at all, Lamar.
Gone are the days when all we could play were maids and hookers.
I figure with the kind of work I'm doin'.
.
.
an Image Award can't be far off.
[Man Over P.
A.
.]
All right, people.
Let's set up for the orgy scene.
Uh-oh.
Look like you got to do what you got to do best: Orgy.
Get busy, baby! Thanks for joining us, Tonya.
Thank you.
Thank you, Lamar.
Thank you.
Everybody give it up for Tonya one more time.
Now, give it up one more time for me.
Thank you.
All right now.
Our next guest has appeared on many TV shows.
.
.
and has just finished his first film.
He's also won a Black People's Award for Best Scared Brother on a Police Show.
Y'all give it up for my main man.
Daryl Simmons coming at ya.
Brother man, look at you.
Welcome to the Black People's Show.
Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
Thank you for having me.
You sure know how to dress.
You get that from Morris Day? - You got me.
- Oh! Ah! Only thing you forgot is lotion for them little ashy legs you got.
Anyway, I know this brother always busy.
- What you workin' on? - Well, of course.
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.
I believe the only way a person can truly perfect his craft.
.
.
is to give himself constant challenges to continue to stretch his instrument.
- By the way, I loved you as a raisin.
- Thanks.
Look here.
Tell us about this film you got.
Well, of course.
It's a different role for me.
As you know.
.
.
I am best known for playing a scared brother on a police show.
Well, now I finally get a chance to play somewhat of a frightened Negro in a horror film.
I heard that.
Now, lemme ask you.
Were you able to get across the black experience to the people the way you wanted? Of course.
I mean, it came through quite nicely.
In fact, I believe I have a clip.
- Could we run that, please? - Ain't gonna be no problem with that.
- You wanna set it up? - Well, of course.
I'm cowering in a corner.
.
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in a darkened room where a 5,000-year-old Egyptian pharaoh comes back to life.
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and tries to kill me.
- And the name of the movie is.
.
.
- Mo'Mummy.
You done heard it from the man himself.
Daryl Simmons in Mo'Mummy, comin' at you.
[Screaming.]
I don't wanna die! I can't go out like this! [Yelping.]
Oh, brother, that was brilliant.
You done went deep for that one, brother.
Oh, well, that's all the time we have for today.
Go see Daryl Simmons in Mo'Mummy.
Watch my girl Tonya Hodges in Deep Solar System 6.
.
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and look for Curt as a raisin in a bowl of cereal.
And remember to look on the last page of Jet.
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to see where the rest of the black people in Hollywood are working this week.
Now, you know y'all ain't headin' out without gettin' the door prize.
A cake cutter from me, Lamar.
Go on and keep it.
It's on the house.
Well, until next time, this is Lamar Hightower for the Black People's Show.
Come on.
Help me out, y'all.
The Black People's Show The Black.
.
.
Black People's Show You watch, I watch we watch, they watch The Black People's Show Black People's ShowBlack People's Show You watch, they watch I watch I hope everybody had a good time tonight.
We're gonna close the show with a musical guest.
He's gonna be doing the remix version of single "Swing My Way" from the album Free.
Please welcome Prince Markie Dee and the Soul Convention.
Check it.
One, two.
Here we go.
Check it.
Check it.
What up, baby? Yo.
Check it, baby.
[Rapping.]
- Dig it.
- [Rapping Continues.]
Check it out.
Here we go.
[Rapping.]
[Ends.]