Northern Exposure s04e25 Episode Script
Old Tree
See it, Ed? Titleist three, right? As opposed to all the other duffer's golf balls.
Look at this place, a person doesn't need a nine iron they need a machete, a plow.
Well, I don't have one of those in the bag.
I could, maybe, come up with a rake or something.
You ever see a real golf course, Ed? Nope.
Well, let me tell you, the Westchester Country Club is perfect.
Exquisite.
Every blade of grass looks like it had a personal haircut.
Head down, follow through.
That's not bad, considering the lie.
Good for you, Dr.
Fleischman.
You know who's teeing off at Westchester right now? I'll bet Andy Olstein.
The guy squeaked through cardio residency.
Now he's hooked up with some pulmonary thief in Long Island pulling in $200,000 a year.
I don't have a clue what to do here.
Give me a wedge.
Ed? Wedge.
Oh.
Sorry, Dr.
Fleischman.
What are you staring at? Ootockalockatuvik.
She doesn't look quite right.
Come again.
Ootockalockatuvik.
Well, Vicky for short.
Ootockalocka what? It's the tree.
Old Vicky.
You're saying that this tree has a name is that it? And its name is Vicky? Yup.
And she just doesn't look quite right.
Well, why is that? Well look at that knot right there that's oozing goo.
And the branches, too.
They look kind of tired.
And look right here at the leaves.
They shouldn't be all dried and cracked and crunchy around the edges like that.
Yeah, right.
Because it's springtime.
Exactly.
I think she's really, really sick, Dr.
Fleischman.
Calm down, Ed.
Her name might be Vicky, but it's This is a tree, you know? Dr.
Fleischman, this is Old Vicky.
She's been around forever.
Longer than Uncle Anku.
Way before One Who Waits.
Way before anybody, really.
Lucky to have longevity in her genes.
Nothing beats a good set of genes.
I don't think it's possible to get a good lie out here.
All these animal holes and frost cracks.
Damn it! Ed, Ed.
Hey, Ed! Ed, we got four holes left.
Ed! Hello! Hey, Chris.
I got a package for you.
A package for me? Mmm-hmm.
No way! No way! What is it? What is it? It's spontaneity.
It's mobility.
It's freedom.
It's It's a headset.
Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it? You know, sitting in that booth everyday I started feeling like Like Prometheus, you know, chained to that rock eagle pecking at my liver.
You know, stuck, glued.
I mean did that confinement box my thoughts? You bet it did.
And now, I'm free to roam, everybody.
Stevens unbound! Whoa! Here, will you sign here, please? You betcha.
You here for breakfast, Maggie? Hey, Holling.
Look, I bought hibiscus for Shelly's morning sickness.
Well, thank you.
But I'm not sure she needs it now.
I mean, she woke up this morning happy as a jay.
Warbling like a red-breasted nuthatch.
Warbling? Yeah, you know, singing? Singing every word out of her mouth.
No.
No kidding? "I woke up this morning" "without any warning" "a song was there in my bod" Morning, Shel.
"I started to sing" "about everything" "Bacon, toast and fried cod" Order up.
"Now that I've found it" "I just got to sound it" "Gotta sing, gotta sing" "Gotta sing, gotta sing" "Oh, yeah" Thank you.
"I always dreamed that I'd find my true stud" "He wouldn't be ditzy, a creep or a crud" "I'd be steady, hot, juicy, with a bod that won't quit" "Give the dude what he wanted, and plenty of it" "I've been heading this way all of my life" "to be the stud-of-all-stud's stand-up wife" Order up! "Whoa, whoa, whoa, ow!" "A chick in the trailer in Saskatoon" "I partied with Tammy and I prayed to the moon" "to win Northwest Passage and never go back" "for my bod and my talent, to be picked from the pack" "I've been heading this way all of my life" "to be the stud-of-all-stud's stand-up wife" Oh, Shelly.
"To be the stud-of-all-stud's knocked-up wife" "I break for loving on the highway of life" "That's how I got to be me" "A ring, a husband, a bun in the oven" "What's more a chick gotta be" "Saw the Big H, it was love at first sight" "So I checked out his buns and man were they tight" "I walked up and told him, I'm Shelly Marie" "I found you at last, my true destiny" "I've been heading this way all of my life" "to be the stud-of-all-stud's stand-up wife" "To be the stud-of-all-stud's knocked-up wife" Hello, Ruth-Anne.
Gents.
Maurice.
Give me a couple rolls of fax paper, Ruth-Anne.
All right.
My broker's all hot on some grazing land outside of Flagstaff.
What you got there, Ed? A leaf? One of Old Vicky's.
Ed and Dr.
Fleischman were golfing on your back pasture and these leaves were all over the ground.
Is that a fact? Yup.
And she had a big runny sore coming out of her trunk, too, Maurice.
And her limbs were all droopy.
No kidding.
Let me see that.
She doesn't look good, Maurice.
Not good at all.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Don't go calling the toothpick factory yet, Maurice.
Did I say anything? You didn't have to.
Ruth-Anne, we all have our lifespans and that old tree has outlived hers thrice over.
No thanks to you.
Gents.
Bye, Maurice.
Hey, Fleischman.
Are those blood samples ready? I got a couple of petro-geologists to pick up in Wrangell.
Hey.
Why don't you just grab a seat? I'm running a little behind.
All right.
I know I said they'd be ready by 2:00.
I just got a little backed up this morning.
No problem.
What? What? All right.
Fine.
I was playing golf this morning.
If you have to know, I was playing golf.
Fine.
You know, I don't see what the big deal is.
It's 2:15.
Are these guys going to have a conniption if they have to wait five more minutes? Fleischman, I didn't say anything.
Well, obviously, you're standing there, you're thinking it.
No, I wasn't.
Tell you something, if I didn't have golf up here they'd be sending me to Bellevue in a straitjacket with a rag stuffed in my mouth.
Oh, God, Fleischman.
You're such a jerk.
Oh, I'm a jerk? Yes, you're a jerk with a capital "J.
" Let me tell you something, O'Connell you don't have a clue who I am.
You think this is me? This isn't me.
Me, I wouldn't be here.
I would be back in New York where I belong doing things that I want to do with people that I want to be doing them with.
I wouldn't be in this stupid backwater with this stupid practice.
What's going on in this stupid, ill-equipped office? Now, that was stupid.
I think I broke something.
You know, that was a stupid, jerky thing to do, Fleischman but totally predictable.
All right, everybody.
Behinds to seats back there.
Now, let's get this blanket stitched.
This meeting has been called by the Cicely steering committee re: the old cottonwood out on my back pasture.
Now, granted if you live in a place you're gonna make some friends.
But that's not the point here.
The point is that that tree is on its last legs.
I say, the tree is a menace and she's got to come down.
Not so fast, Minnifield.
Now, you know that that cottonwood is a state historic landmark.
A state historic landmark.
You just made that up, Springer, out of spite.
Nice try, Minnifield.
We all know why he wants that old tree out of the way.
So he can put up some corrugated eyesore to store his tractors in.
You can't even see that tree, Springer.
It's a half a mile away.
I don't care how far away it is.
I can see it fine from the roof of my barn.
You know, Minnifield, I bet you poisoned Old Vicky and that is the reason she's sick.
You little six-toed ferret.
Hey, hey, hey.
Maurice, Ivory Hold your water.
We don't even know if Ootockalockatuvik is dying.
That's a good point, Ruth-Anne.
We, maybe, ought to get a professional man to take a look before we put ax to wood.
All right, all right.
If that's what it's going to take to get you sentimental Sallies off the dime, fine.
We'll get a professional man.
Fleischman.
What? I want you to go out and have a look-see at that tree.
Why me? Because you're the town doctor.
Yeah, I'm the doctor.
I don't know anything about trees.
Well, let us decide that.
We paid for your education.
Let us use it the way we see fit.
Yeah, but, Maurice- My house.
Town dismissed.
KBHR bulletin board.
Vicky Support Group meets Thursday noon in Cheryl Cornwall's parlor.
Cappuccinos and gingersnaps, reminiscence and reflections.
Bring photos 'cause Cheryl's working on a scrapbook.
Hey, there goes my good buddy J.
C.
Cole.
What is it about genus arboretum that socks us in the figurative solar plexus? We see a logging truck go cruising down the road stacked with a bunch of those fresh-cut giants we feel like we've lost a brother.
Next thing you know we're in The Brick, we're flopping money on the bar.
Wood.
We're under a roof.
Wood.
We're walking the floors.
Wood.
Grabbing a pool cue.
That's wood.
You know, our friends in the forest carry a set of luggage from the mythical baggage carousel.
Tree of Life, Tree of Knowledge, Family Tree Buddha's Bodhi Tree.
Page one of life, "In the beginning.
" Genesis 3:22.
Adam and Eve, they're kicking back in the Garden of Eden and Boom! They get an eviction notice.
Why is that? "Lest they should take also of the Tree of Life, eat, and live forever.
" A definitive Yahweh no-no.
Be good to yourselves, Cicely.
Go out and plant a wet one on a tree.
Hey, Dr.
Fleischman.
Well, there's your patient, Fleischman.
Look, let's get one thing straight, okay? Under no stretch of the imagination is this a patient.
Okay? We're dealing with a tree here.
Let's just be clear.
We're aware of that, Joel.
Look, it's just a formality, Fleischman.
A blind man can see this tree's not gonna make it.
Zip it, Minnifield.
That's for the kid to decide.
Yes, Joel.
What do you think? Is Old Vicky gonna make it? You really want to know what I think? All right, fine.
I'll tell you what I think.
See something, Doc? Well, I'm not sure, but right here on the epidermal layer Bark, I mean is a rather large keloid, which is an exuberance of scar tissue.
And by the size of it it's indicating a fairly serious laceration or injury.
Lightning.
Summer of '82.
Tell me, does anyone know about this cavity? Is it congenital or acquired? It's always been there, Joel.
Uh-huh.
Is Ootockalockatuvik dying, Joel? I really I just I can't be sure.
Come on, Fleischman, get off the fence.
What's the verdict? Is Vicky firewood or not? The thing is, I really I don't I can't make a prognosis here.
Why the hell not? I told you why not.
I don't know anything about trees.
I'm an internist, not a horticulturist.
I'm sorry.
I really It's not my specialty.
It's not my fault.
It's just that I don't know anything about trees.
So, Fleischman throws this doozy of a tantrum.
He says he's a jerk 'cause he's in Alaska.
Believe me, he'd be the same stupid jerk on Park Avenue.
"So you were nice and normal to Doctor F" "And he acted like a jerk" "And you think if you're nice" "then he should be nice, but, Maggie" "I don't think it'll work" No? Why not? "Like the lady with the snake, he's just like he is" "And that's how it's gonna be" Huh.
"On her way to work one morning" "down the path alongside the lake" "a tenderhearted woman" "saw a poor half-frozen snake" "His pretty colored skin" "had been all frosted with the dew" "Poor thing, she cried, I'll take you in" "And I'll take care of you" "Take me in, tender woman" "Take me in, for heaven's sake" "Take me in, tender woman" "sighed the snake" What happened after that? "She wrapped him up all cozy" "in a comforter of silk" "And laid him by her fireside" "with honey and some milk" "She hurried home from work that night" "and as soon as she arrived" "she found that pretty snake" "she'd taken in had been revived" "Take me in, tender woman" "Take me in, for heaven's sake" "Take me in, tender woman" "sighed the snake" Hmm.
"She clutched him to her bosom" "You're so beautiful, she cried" "But if I hadn't brought you in" "by now you might have died" "She stroked his pretty skin again" "And kissed and held him tight" "Instead of saying thanks" "the snake gave her a vicious bite" "Take me in, tender woman" "sighed the snake" "I saved you, cried the woman" "and you've bitten me, but why?" "You know your bite is poisonous" "and now I'm gonna die" "Oh, shut up, you silly woman" "said the reptile, with a grin" "You knew damn well I was a snake" "before you took me in" "Take me in, tender woman" "Take me in, for heaven's sake" "Take me in, tender woman" "sighed the snake" Hey, Fleischman.
Got a minute? No, I don't.
Would you like help with that? Doing just fine without you, O'Connell.
Okay.
Good.
Good.
Yeah? Fleischman, you remember when I was in your office yesterday and you had one of your little snits? Please, O'Connell.
Leave it alone, all right? I have a fractured foot.
Is that not enough for you? No, look, Fleischman, what I'm trying to say is I realize what the problem is.
And it's not you.
It's me.
I realize that all this time I've had these unrealistic expectations of you.
And you're not doing anything.
You're just being you, you know? That's who you are.
You can't help it.
Oh, I really appreciate the sentiment.
See, now you're being sarcastic.
But that's okay.
That's all right, Fleischman.
'Cause that's you.
That's who you are.
And I don't have to react.
I don't have to take it personally and I don't have to be any different than who I am.
Would you like me to get something for that? I'll take care of it.
Thanks.
'Cause, see, I am who I am, you know? I'm just a nice, regular, everyday person.
And I don't know how it happened but I've got into some very unhealthy patterns with you.
It's not your fault, 'cause see, I don't have to react to every little thing.
I don't have to get defensive.
I don't have to get angry.
What are you talking about? Well, just, Fleischman, that I'm me and you're you.
And even if you're not nice, I am.
Let me ask you something where do you get off, coming into my house and making these two-bit pronouncements about who's nice and who isn't nice? I'm perfectly nice.
I am nice.
I am kind.
I help people.
People who need me.
I'm perfectly nice.
I'm an educated man.
I am intelligent, I am funny.
I can be a lot of fun.
So, don't come in here and tell me who's nice and who isn't, all right? "Attach stabilizer bar "J" "to crib ends "N" and "J" "using four machine screws.
" Here they are.
Thank you, Walt.
Pretty voice.
Yeah.
Hey, read me what comes next on there, will you? "Attach eight track as shown with the slotted holes "to the bottom of the crib ends.
" "You guys got the munchies, I'll bring you a snack" No, thanks, Shell.
I'm not hungry, Shelly.
But if you take requests, I'd like to hear Tangerine.
"Tangerine" You're lucky.
You get to hear this all the time.
I'll tell you the truth, Walt.
Anyone can get too much of a good thing.
Shelly never stops.
She opens her mouth, out comes a song.
I can't even have a simple conversation with her.
Pass the salt.
What's on the grill? Looks like rain.
Everything becomes a regular opera.
Did you ask her to stop? I did.
It was as useless as asking a parakeet to stop chirping.
She can't help herself.
She just sings whether she wants to or not.
Can I confide in you, Walt? Sure, Holling.
I know that Shelly's only been warbling like this for a few days.
I know it's selfish of me but I've begun to crave a simple turn of phrase.
A sentence without a melody.
Someone I can talk with.
If Shelly keeps on like this, I don't know what I'll do.
"Her heart belongs to Tangerine" "Yes, she has them all on the run" "The trees indeed have hearts.
"With a certain affection, the sun seems to send its farewell ray "far and level over the copses to them, and "they silently receive it with gratitude "like a group of settlers with their children.
"The pines impress me as human.
"A slight vaporous cloud floats high over them, while "in the west the sun goes down apace behind "glowing pines "and golden clouds like mountains skirt the horizon.
" Nobody could turn a phrase like old Hank Thoreau, huh? More from him in a minute.
Hey, mi jefe, what's up? Got a proposition for you, Stevens.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I know how much you make behind that mike and I figured you might be able to use a couple extra dollars.
Well, that's no lie.
Come the end of the month I'm usually scrounging for quarters in the sofa.
After Fleischman signs off on Old Vicky I'm gonna need somebody to take her down.
I thought you might like the job.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, that's a pretty big job.
You know, you might want to get some pros on that.
Well, to tell you the truth, Stevens you weren't the first one I thought of to wield the chainsaw but all the regular lumber crews are busy and I'm not gonna be able to get anybody for at least a few days maybe a week.
A week? A week doesn't sound that long.
You don't know how emotionally attached the people in this town are to Old Vicky.
I mean it's like when Granny passes away.
You lay her out in the parlor for a couple of days but then you've got to plant her in the ground.
Let people get on with their lives.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Yeah, something like that.
I like power tools, Maurice.
You know that.
All that harnessed violence just throbbing in my hands.
Not to mention the wanton vandalism.
I mean, reducing to sawdust in a few minutes what took hundreds of years to create.
Yeah.
And artistically, I mean, we're talking about some heavy-duty deconstruction here.
You know, the absence of form in a reality plane All right, well, we got a deal, then.
I'll pay you $2 a board foot.
You bring your own hardhat.
No, Maurice.
We don't have a deal.
What do you mean? Well, intellectually, it would be a gas, but the fact of the matter is, I read Heidegger in the shade of that tree.
Heidegger? Being and Time.
His masterpiece.
Authentic existence, inauthentic existence.
So, you're not going to do it, huh? I wouldn't feel right cutting Old Vicky down.
But, I do appreciate your offer.
More tree books.
Which ones? "Control of White Pine Nematodes" and "Pathological Anatomy of Leaf Spots.
" What about the "Fungal Disease Guide for Deciduous Trees"? No.
I asked for the "Fungal Disease Guide for Deciduous"- It's on loan.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
I'll tell you something.
Botany aside, I should not be put in this position.
This is crazy.
I'm a physician.
I have a sworn duty to heal.
They're asking me to sign the death sentence on Old Vicky here.
I'm supposed to pull the plug.
I know, what do you care, right? Because once she's whittled into firewood you'll be able to sleep at night.
You're not going to be sitting here with a sliver of doubt wondering is there just a chance, you know a sliver of hope, that this tree might pull through.
If only we wait and do whatever you do to trees.
Prune or spray or some soil amendments.
What? Your hand hurt? Yes, my hand hurts.
It hurts more than my foot which I didn't think was conceivably possible.
"Hello, Dr.
Fleischman?" "Sorry to be a butt-in-ski, but I need to see you" All right.
Marilyn there's a gastroenterologist.
His name is Lipkis.
He has a brother who has a tree group in L.
A.
It's TreePeople.
Yeah.
Why don't you give them a call? See if they can tell you where to get the "Fungal Disease Guide for Deciduous Trees.
" All right? L.
A.
, TreePeople.
"Just let me have that paper-towel dress" "I'll get changed in a jiffy" "a minute or less" Shelly, I don't think you need a gown.
What I need to do is a throat culture so why don't you just have a seat? "Throat culture? You're gonna look in my mouth" "Hey, I gotta tell you, the baby" "she's much further south" "I mean, that's why I'm here" "For my prenatal checkup" "My feet in the stirrups, my pee in a cup" You're not here because of this singing thing? "Hey, I figure it's like hiccups or gas" "You know what they say, this too will pass" Well, actually, you know, I'm not I'm not sure it'll pass, Shelly.
I mean, I've never seen or heard anything quite like this.
"I don't like the look on your face" "It's bumming me out" "I thought I was happy, but now I don't know" "You're making me feel like a major weirdo" All right, look, let's not get too worried.
How about, I'll do the prenatal and then, we'll get the throat culture a little later.
Okay? Is that all right? Okay.
Forgive me, but there's a gown in that cabinet.
I'll go outside and let you change.
Okay, Chris.
Three, two, one go.
Hooey, Cicely.
This is Chris on KBHR continuing today's arbor theme program live and on the scene from Old Vicky herself.
Let's keep on trucking with the most famous resident of Walden Pond.
This selection from The Maine Woods.
"I have been into the lumber yard "and the carpenter's shop, and the tannery, and "the lampblack-factory, and the turpentine clearing "but when at length I saw the tops of the pines "waving and reflecting the light at a distance "high over the rest of the forest-" Ed, that's Thoreau.
Why did you turn it off? Ed? Yes, Ruth-Anne? Are you all right? I did a terrible thing, Ruth-Anne.
Have you ever seen that movie I Confess? No, I don't believe I have.
Well, Montgomery Clift plays this priest.
And late one evening, a parish employee stops by to confess he's murdered a man.
Ed, what does any of that have to do with you? Oh, well.
See, Ruth-Anne, it's like this.
About two years ago, I was lying beneath Ootockalockatuvik with my girlfriend at the time, Lightfeather.
And I wanted to show her how much I loved her, so well, I I You what? I carved our initials into her trunk.
Put a heart around them.
And now, you know, she's dying.
You know, Ed, when someone dies it makes you think of the things you wish you had done.
And the things you wish you hadn't.
I remember, a few years ago, my niece's kids were up visiting.
We were out berry-picking.
I turned my back for a minute, and they ran off.
I found them 30 feet up Ootockalockatuvik sitting on a branch, swinging their legs, happy as clowns.
Yeah, I bet.
Well, I made them come down right away.
I was afraid they'd fall and break their necks.
And afterward, I felt bad.
'Cause you'd yelled at them.
Oh, no.
Because of what I'd done to Vicky.
Trees like to have kids climb on them.
Oh, right.
But I'm pretty sure Vicky forgave me.
After all, she is a tree and trees are much bigger than we are.
And much, much more forgiving.
Hey, Fleischman! Oh, hey.
I got some surgical scrub brushes for you.
I didn't order any surgical scrub brushes.
I know.
I was in Anchorage, and I walked by this medical supply store and they were having a sale and I thought, "Fleischman could use some of those.
" All right.
Please, O'Connell, just stay right there.
Why? Why? Because Just keep your niceness to yourself, okay? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? Every time you're nice to me I seem to end up more damaged, now don't I? Fleischman, don't be ridiculous.
O'Connell, I'm not kidding.
Don't come any closer.
Fleischman you 're behaving like a genuine paranoid.
Paranoid? You call this paranoid? What, is this a figment of my imagination? Huh? Am I hallucinating this cast? Fleischman, you cannot blame me for that.
Yes, I can, O'Connell.
I'd be perfectly fine if you hadn't unnerved me with all your good will.
I'm not going to have any more of it.
Fine.
All right.
What am I supposed to do with these? I don't know, but All right, gentlemen.
Let's take her down.
Hold it.
Hold it, Minnifield.
We haven't heard from Fleischman yet.
He had till 1200 hours, Springer.
It's a quarter past.
I say time's up.
No reprieve.
You're not going to lay a finger on that tree till we get Fleischman's report.
You've been a thorn in my side for years, Springer.
Yeah, Minnifield? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You know what I think- Hey, hold on, guys.
Where's Fleischman? I'm afraid he's had a bad fall.
Well, what about Vicky? He's entrusted me with the report.
Well, you want to read it to us? Oh, yeah.
Says here "After consulting with arborists from the TreePeople organization "it is my opinion that the black cottonwood known as Old Vicky "has developed an infectious process "of a fungal etiology.
"Although leaf desiccation and decline in vigor "could be symptomatic of several agents "the mycelia appressed to the sapwood "are a clear indication of Armillaria mellea "commonly known as shoestring rot.
" Well, what the hell does that all mean? Let the man finish, Springer.
"Shoestring rot is a fatal illness "which is not responsive to treatment.
"Research shows the rate of degeneration is swift.
"Pressed to give a prognosis, I would say "given the advanced state of the disease "that the patient only has a few months to live.
" Amen.
Let me see that! Read all you want to, Springer.
It's not going to change a thing.
All right, men.
Let 'em rip! May, 1988.
I was picking wildflowers for the spring powwow.
All of a sudden it got cloudy.
It started to hail.
Hailstones as big as baseballs.
Luckily, I was near Old Vicky.
I got under her branches.
She kept me safe.
If it hadn't been for Ootockalockatuvik I could have gotten a concussion or worse.
To Vicky.
To Vicky.
Hey, Shelly, how are you? Look, I've been doing some research into your condition.
What I need to know is was there any prior indication that anything was happening to your speech or did the singing occur spontaneously? It's important.
Shelly? Shelly? What's going on? I'm not sure, Joel.
She was so happy chirping away like a robin in May.
Then she saw you for her pre-baby exam.
Well, now she won't even open her mouth.
Won't sing a word.
Oh, I didn't mean to scare her.
Look I got some good news here.
I found some precedents for her singing, believe it or not.
Oh? Yeah, listen to this.
Santiago, Chile.
A 14-year-old girl walks into a music store, picks up a violin plays the Bach chaconne in D-minor.
This is a girl who has no musical instruction whatsoever.
But, Joel, how can that be? Well, no one knows.
But the point is there's been quite a few similar cases of this spontaneous prodigious ability in healthy people, and it's been documented.
Well, what I'm saying is, her singing may not necessarily be symptomatic of any particular illness.
That certainly is a great relief, Joel.
Yeah, well, I should think.
But, tell me this.
This This girl from Chile, did she ever stop playing the violin? Stop playing? Did she ever go back to the way she was before? I don't know.
I mean, there was no mention of what happened after.
This isn't over yet, Minnifield! I've been talking to my lawyer in Talkeetna.
He says tree or no tree you still do not have free reign to build a structure that will negatively impact on me.
He's filing for an injunction.
You hear what I'm saying? You're never going to build that storehouse.
Doesn't matter.
What? What did you say? I said it doesn't matter.
I don't care about the storehouse.
What do you mean you don't care about the storehouse? You've been crazy to build that thing for the past 15 years.
What the hell are you trying to pull, Minnifield? See this? This is the scene of my greatest triumph.
I should be jubilant.
I should be grinding Old Vicky's leaves up into mulch and feeding her limbs into a wood stove.
But you know what I'm feeling right now, Springer? I don't feel anything.
You're just trying to throw me off balance.
Well, it won't work.
I'm still getting that injunction.
You know, I really should feel happy just because I skunked you.
But I just feel sort of empty.
To tell you the truth I sort of miss the sight of her.
"Oh, my little bunny-face" "My teenie-beanie cuddly thing" "I got a big bummer news" "Your mama can't talk" "Your mama can only sing" "No faking, no fooling" "She flaps her lips" "and out comes crooning" "Baby learns to use a spoon" "Mama only sings a tune" "Baby counts from one to three" "Mama makes a melody" "If baby falls and bangs a knee" "Sorry, here's a rhapsody" "Can you love a mom who can't gab or chatter?" "No yak or yammer, chew the fat" "No jaw and jabber" "Can you love a mom" "who doo-wops, scats?" "She warbles, yodels, spits the scales" "She bops and raps" "Oh, my little bunny-face" "My teenie-beanie cuddly thing" "I got a big bummer news" "Your mama can't talk" "Your mama can only sing" "No faking" "No fooling" "She flaps her lips" "and out comes crooning" "Shelly, honey, dry your eyes" "worry none, we'll harmonize" "In my opinion, talk comes cheap" "who needs to make a speech?" "Truth is, my lovely bride" "sing or talk, I'm by your side" "Oh, my little bunny-face" "My teenie-beanie cuddly thing" "Don't you feel lonely, don't you feel blue" "'Cause I'll be singing with you" "No faking" "No fooling" "I'll be singing with you" It's open! Hey, Fleischman.
Hey.
What a surprise.
How's the neck? Look, if you don't mind, I'd rather dispense with the pleasantries, okay? All right.
Do you want to sit down? No, I don't think I'm going to stay that long.
Well, suit yourself.
Look ever since we've known each other you've related to me in a very consistent manner.
Okay? You insult me and you hit me and you crashed me in your airplane.
Uh-huh.
Well, I know it doesn't sound pleasant, but you see, I can handle that.
Okay? I'm actually comfortable with that.
And, I guess what I'm here to do is to ask you, or plead with you if necessary, to just stop being so nice to me, okay? I mean, it's a small town, and I can't avoid you.
And up till now, thank God, none of these These injuries have been permanently disabling.
But if this niceness continues, I think anything could happen.
Well, okay, Fleischman.
I can try to modify my behavior.
But, I'd like something in return.
All right.
Well, name it.
You have to stop being such a jerk.
Well, could you be just a bit more specific, maybe? Well, all right.
Petulance, arrogance, whining, spite, sarcasm the incessant petty meanness, you know, that sort of thing.
Arrogance and petty meanness? O'Connell, look, let me try and explain something to you.
If I resort to sarcasm, it's only because- Because, because, because, because.
Fleischman, why do you always have to explain everything? Why does there always have to be a because? But, O'Connell, I'm just- No buts.
No ifs, no explanations, no negotiations.
These are the terms.
Fine.
I will definitely try.
I will try.
Okay.
Well, hey, get lost.
Huh? I'm hungry.
Okay.
You know, Maurice could've saved yourself a lot of dough and sweat just putting in one of those two-gallon saplings.
In a 100 years, nobody would know the difference.
The hell with posterity.
I'm doing this for me.
When Old Vicky came down, I couldn't stand the empty sky.
I needed something to fill it.
Do bring me that bucket over there, will you? Yeah, sure.
Ooh.
What is this stuff? That's vitamin B1.
Prevents root shock.
There, that ought to do it.
Look at this place, a person doesn't need a nine iron they need a machete, a plow.
Well, I don't have one of those in the bag.
I could, maybe, come up with a rake or something.
You ever see a real golf course, Ed? Nope.
Well, let me tell you, the Westchester Country Club is perfect.
Exquisite.
Every blade of grass looks like it had a personal haircut.
Head down, follow through.
That's not bad, considering the lie.
Good for you, Dr.
Fleischman.
You know who's teeing off at Westchester right now? I'll bet Andy Olstein.
The guy squeaked through cardio residency.
Now he's hooked up with some pulmonary thief in Long Island pulling in $200,000 a year.
I don't have a clue what to do here.
Give me a wedge.
Ed? Wedge.
Oh.
Sorry, Dr.
Fleischman.
What are you staring at? Ootockalockatuvik.
She doesn't look quite right.
Come again.
Ootockalockatuvik.
Well, Vicky for short.
Ootockalocka what? It's the tree.
Old Vicky.
You're saying that this tree has a name is that it? And its name is Vicky? Yup.
And she just doesn't look quite right.
Well, why is that? Well look at that knot right there that's oozing goo.
And the branches, too.
They look kind of tired.
And look right here at the leaves.
They shouldn't be all dried and cracked and crunchy around the edges like that.
Yeah, right.
Because it's springtime.
Exactly.
I think she's really, really sick, Dr.
Fleischman.
Calm down, Ed.
Her name might be Vicky, but it's This is a tree, you know? Dr.
Fleischman, this is Old Vicky.
She's been around forever.
Longer than Uncle Anku.
Way before One Who Waits.
Way before anybody, really.
Lucky to have longevity in her genes.
Nothing beats a good set of genes.
I don't think it's possible to get a good lie out here.
All these animal holes and frost cracks.
Damn it! Ed, Ed.
Hey, Ed! Ed, we got four holes left.
Ed! Hello! Hey, Chris.
I got a package for you.
A package for me? Mmm-hmm.
No way! No way! What is it? What is it? It's spontaneity.
It's mobility.
It's freedom.
It's It's a headset.
Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it? You know, sitting in that booth everyday I started feeling like Like Prometheus, you know, chained to that rock eagle pecking at my liver.
You know, stuck, glued.
I mean did that confinement box my thoughts? You bet it did.
And now, I'm free to roam, everybody.
Stevens unbound! Whoa! Here, will you sign here, please? You betcha.
You here for breakfast, Maggie? Hey, Holling.
Look, I bought hibiscus for Shelly's morning sickness.
Well, thank you.
But I'm not sure she needs it now.
I mean, she woke up this morning happy as a jay.
Warbling like a red-breasted nuthatch.
Warbling? Yeah, you know, singing? Singing every word out of her mouth.
No.
No kidding? "I woke up this morning" "without any warning" "a song was there in my bod" Morning, Shel.
"I started to sing" "about everything" "Bacon, toast and fried cod" Order up.
"Now that I've found it" "I just got to sound it" "Gotta sing, gotta sing" "Gotta sing, gotta sing" "Oh, yeah" Thank you.
"I always dreamed that I'd find my true stud" "He wouldn't be ditzy, a creep or a crud" "I'd be steady, hot, juicy, with a bod that won't quit" "Give the dude what he wanted, and plenty of it" "I've been heading this way all of my life" "to be the stud-of-all-stud's stand-up wife" Order up! "Whoa, whoa, whoa, ow!" "A chick in the trailer in Saskatoon" "I partied with Tammy and I prayed to the moon" "to win Northwest Passage and never go back" "for my bod and my talent, to be picked from the pack" "I've been heading this way all of my life" "to be the stud-of-all-stud's stand-up wife" Oh, Shelly.
"To be the stud-of-all-stud's knocked-up wife" "I break for loving on the highway of life" "That's how I got to be me" "A ring, a husband, a bun in the oven" "What's more a chick gotta be" "Saw the Big H, it was love at first sight" "So I checked out his buns and man were they tight" "I walked up and told him, I'm Shelly Marie" "I found you at last, my true destiny" "I've been heading this way all of my life" "to be the stud-of-all-stud's stand-up wife" "To be the stud-of-all-stud's knocked-up wife" Hello, Ruth-Anne.
Gents.
Maurice.
Give me a couple rolls of fax paper, Ruth-Anne.
All right.
My broker's all hot on some grazing land outside of Flagstaff.
What you got there, Ed? A leaf? One of Old Vicky's.
Ed and Dr.
Fleischman were golfing on your back pasture and these leaves were all over the ground.
Is that a fact? Yup.
And she had a big runny sore coming out of her trunk, too, Maurice.
And her limbs were all droopy.
No kidding.
Let me see that.
She doesn't look good, Maurice.
Not good at all.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Don't go calling the toothpick factory yet, Maurice.
Did I say anything? You didn't have to.
Ruth-Anne, we all have our lifespans and that old tree has outlived hers thrice over.
No thanks to you.
Gents.
Bye, Maurice.
Hey, Fleischman.
Are those blood samples ready? I got a couple of petro-geologists to pick up in Wrangell.
Hey.
Why don't you just grab a seat? I'm running a little behind.
All right.
I know I said they'd be ready by 2:00.
I just got a little backed up this morning.
No problem.
What? What? All right.
Fine.
I was playing golf this morning.
If you have to know, I was playing golf.
Fine.
You know, I don't see what the big deal is.
It's 2:15.
Are these guys going to have a conniption if they have to wait five more minutes? Fleischman, I didn't say anything.
Well, obviously, you're standing there, you're thinking it.
No, I wasn't.
Tell you something, if I didn't have golf up here they'd be sending me to Bellevue in a straitjacket with a rag stuffed in my mouth.
Oh, God, Fleischman.
You're such a jerk.
Oh, I'm a jerk? Yes, you're a jerk with a capital "J.
" Let me tell you something, O'Connell you don't have a clue who I am.
You think this is me? This isn't me.
Me, I wouldn't be here.
I would be back in New York where I belong doing things that I want to do with people that I want to be doing them with.
I wouldn't be in this stupid backwater with this stupid practice.
What's going on in this stupid, ill-equipped office? Now, that was stupid.
I think I broke something.
You know, that was a stupid, jerky thing to do, Fleischman but totally predictable.
All right, everybody.
Behinds to seats back there.
Now, let's get this blanket stitched.
This meeting has been called by the Cicely steering committee re: the old cottonwood out on my back pasture.
Now, granted if you live in a place you're gonna make some friends.
But that's not the point here.
The point is that that tree is on its last legs.
I say, the tree is a menace and she's got to come down.
Not so fast, Minnifield.
Now, you know that that cottonwood is a state historic landmark.
A state historic landmark.
You just made that up, Springer, out of spite.
Nice try, Minnifield.
We all know why he wants that old tree out of the way.
So he can put up some corrugated eyesore to store his tractors in.
You can't even see that tree, Springer.
It's a half a mile away.
I don't care how far away it is.
I can see it fine from the roof of my barn.
You know, Minnifield, I bet you poisoned Old Vicky and that is the reason she's sick.
You little six-toed ferret.
Hey, hey, hey.
Maurice, Ivory Hold your water.
We don't even know if Ootockalockatuvik is dying.
That's a good point, Ruth-Anne.
We, maybe, ought to get a professional man to take a look before we put ax to wood.
All right, all right.
If that's what it's going to take to get you sentimental Sallies off the dime, fine.
We'll get a professional man.
Fleischman.
What? I want you to go out and have a look-see at that tree.
Why me? Because you're the town doctor.
Yeah, I'm the doctor.
I don't know anything about trees.
Well, let us decide that.
We paid for your education.
Let us use it the way we see fit.
Yeah, but, Maurice- My house.
Town dismissed.
KBHR bulletin board.
Vicky Support Group meets Thursday noon in Cheryl Cornwall's parlor.
Cappuccinos and gingersnaps, reminiscence and reflections.
Bring photos 'cause Cheryl's working on a scrapbook.
Hey, there goes my good buddy J.
C.
Cole.
What is it about genus arboretum that socks us in the figurative solar plexus? We see a logging truck go cruising down the road stacked with a bunch of those fresh-cut giants we feel like we've lost a brother.
Next thing you know we're in The Brick, we're flopping money on the bar.
Wood.
We're under a roof.
Wood.
We're walking the floors.
Wood.
Grabbing a pool cue.
That's wood.
You know, our friends in the forest carry a set of luggage from the mythical baggage carousel.
Tree of Life, Tree of Knowledge, Family Tree Buddha's Bodhi Tree.
Page one of life, "In the beginning.
" Genesis 3:22.
Adam and Eve, they're kicking back in the Garden of Eden and Boom! They get an eviction notice.
Why is that? "Lest they should take also of the Tree of Life, eat, and live forever.
" A definitive Yahweh no-no.
Be good to yourselves, Cicely.
Go out and plant a wet one on a tree.
Hey, Dr.
Fleischman.
Well, there's your patient, Fleischman.
Look, let's get one thing straight, okay? Under no stretch of the imagination is this a patient.
Okay? We're dealing with a tree here.
Let's just be clear.
We're aware of that, Joel.
Look, it's just a formality, Fleischman.
A blind man can see this tree's not gonna make it.
Zip it, Minnifield.
That's for the kid to decide.
Yes, Joel.
What do you think? Is Old Vicky gonna make it? You really want to know what I think? All right, fine.
I'll tell you what I think.
See something, Doc? Well, I'm not sure, but right here on the epidermal layer Bark, I mean is a rather large keloid, which is an exuberance of scar tissue.
And by the size of it it's indicating a fairly serious laceration or injury.
Lightning.
Summer of '82.
Tell me, does anyone know about this cavity? Is it congenital or acquired? It's always been there, Joel.
Uh-huh.
Is Ootockalockatuvik dying, Joel? I really I just I can't be sure.
Come on, Fleischman, get off the fence.
What's the verdict? Is Vicky firewood or not? The thing is, I really I don't I can't make a prognosis here.
Why the hell not? I told you why not.
I don't know anything about trees.
I'm an internist, not a horticulturist.
I'm sorry.
I really It's not my specialty.
It's not my fault.
It's just that I don't know anything about trees.
So, Fleischman throws this doozy of a tantrum.
He says he's a jerk 'cause he's in Alaska.
Believe me, he'd be the same stupid jerk on Park Avenue.
"So you were nice and normal to Doctor F" "And he acted like a jerk" "And you think if you're nice" "then he should be nice, but, Maggie" "I don't think it'll work" No? Why not? "Like the lady with the snake, he's just like he is" "And that's how it's gonna be" Huh.
"On her way to work one morning" "down the path alongside the lake" "a tenderhearted woman" "saw a poor half-frozen snake" "His pretty colored skin" "had been all frosted with the dew" "Poor thing, she cried, I'll take you in" "And I'll take care of you" "Take me in, tender woman" "Take me in, for heaven's sake" "Take me in, tender woman" "sighed the snake" What happened after that? "She wrapped him up all cozy" "in a comforter of silk" "And laid him by her fireside" "with honey and some milk" "She hurried home from work that night" "and as soon as she arrived" "she found that pretty snake" "she'd taken in had been revived" "Take me in, tender woman" "Take me in, for heaven's sake" "Take me in, tender woman" "sighed the snake" Hmm.
"She clutched him to her bosom" "You're so beautiful, she cried" "But if I hadn't brought you in" "by now you might have died" "She stroked his pretty skin again" "And kissed and held him tight" "Instead of saying thanks" "the snake gave her a vicious bite" "Take me in, tender woman" "sighed the snake" "I saved you, cried the woman" "and you've bitten me, but why?" "You know your bite is poisonous" "and now I'm gonna die" "Oh, shut up, you silly woman" "said the reptile, with a grin" "You knew damn well I was a snake" "before you took me in" "Take me in, tender woman" "Take me in, for heaven's sake" "Take me in, tender woman" "sighed the snake" Hey, Fleischman.
Got a minute? No, I don't.
Would you like help with that? Doing just fine without you, O'Connell.
Okay.
Good.
Good.
Yeah? Fleischman, you remember when I was in your office yesterday and you had one of your little snits? Please, O'Connell.
Leave it alone, all right? I have a fractured foot.
Is that not enough for you? No, look, Fleischman, what I'm trying to say is I realize what the problem is.
And it's not you.
It's me.
I realize that all this time I've had these unrealistic expectations of you.
And you're not doing anything.
You're just being you, you know? That's who you are.
You can't help it.
Oh, I really appreciate the sentiment.
See, now you're being sarcastic.
But that's okay.
That's all right, Fleischman.
'Cause that's you.
That's who you are.
And I don't have to react.
I don't have to take it personally and I don't have to be any different than who I am.
Would you like me to get something for that? I'll take care of it.
Thanks.
'Cause, see, I am who I am, you know? I'm just a nice, regular, everyday person.
And I don't know how it happened but I've got into some very unhealthy patterns with you.
It's not your fault, 'cause see, I don't have to react to every little thing.
I don't have to get defensive.
I don't have to get angry.
What are you talking about? Well, just, Fleischman, that I'm me and you're you.
And even if you're not nice, I am.
Let me ask you something where do you get off, coming into my house and making these two-bit pronouncements about who's nice and who isn't nice? I'm perfectly nice.
I am nice.
I am kind.
I help people.
People who need me.
I'm perfectly nice.
I'm an educated man.
I am intelligent, I am funny.
I can be a lot of fun.
So, don't come in here and tell me who's nice and who isn't, all right? "Attach stabilizer bar "J" "to crib ends "N" and "J" "using four machine screws.
" Here they are.
Thank you, Walt.
Pretty voice.
Yeah.
Hey, read me what comes next on there, will you? "Attach eight track as shown with the slotted holes "to the bottom of the crib ends.
" "You guys got the munchies, I'll bring you a snack" No, thanks, Shell.
I'm not hungry, Shelly.
But if you take requests, I'd like to hear Tangerine.
"Tangerine" You're lucky.
You get to hear this all the time.
I'll tell you the truth, Walt.
Anyone can get too much of a good thing.
Shelly never stops.
She opens her mouth, out comes a song.
I can't even have a simple conversation with her.
Pass the salt.
What's on the grill? Looks like rain.
Everything becomes a regular opera.
Did you ask her to stop? I did.
It was as useless as asking a parakeet to stop chirping.
She can't help herself.
She just sings whether she wants to or not.
Can I confide in you, Walt? Sure, Holling.
I know that Shelly's only been warbling like this for a few days.
I know it's selfish of me but I've begun to crave a simple turn of phrase.
A sentence without a melody.
Someone I can talk with.
If Shelly keeps on like this, I don't know what I'll do.
"Her heart belongs to Tangerine" "Yes, she has them all on the run" "The trees indeed have hearts.
"With a certain affection, the sun seems to send its farewell ray "far and level over the copses to them, and "they silently receive it with gratitude "like a group of settlers with their children.
"The pines impress me as human.
"A slight vaporous cloud floats high over them, while "in the west the sun goes down apace behind "glowing pines "and golden clouds like mountains skirt the horizon.
" Nobody could turn a phrase like old Hank Thoreau, huh? More from him in a minute.
Hey, mi jefe, what's up? Got a proposition for you, Stevens.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I know how much you make behind that mike and I figured you might be able to use a couple extra dollars.
Well, that's no lie.
Come the end of the month I'm usually scrounging for quarters in the sofa.
After Fleischman signs off on Old Vicky I'm gonna need somebody to take her down.
I thought you might like the job.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, that's a pretty big job.
You know, you might want to get some pros on that.
Well, to tell you the truth, Stevens you weren't the first one I thought of to wield the chainsaw but all the regular lumber crews are busy and I'm not gonna be able to get anybody for at least a few days maybe a week.
A week? A week doesn't sound that long.
You don't know how emotionally attached the people in this town are to Old Vicky.
I mean it's like when Granny passes away.
You lay her out in the parlor for a couple of days but then you've got to plant her in the ground.
Let people get on with their lives.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Yeah, something like that.
I like power tools, Maurice.
You know that.
All that harnessed violence just throbbing in my hands.
Not to mention the wanton vandalism.
I mean, reducing to sawdust in a few minutes what took hundreds of years to create.
Yeah.
And artistically, I mean, we're talking about some heavy-duty deconstruction here.
You know, the absence of form in a reality plane All right, well, we got a deal, then.
I'll pay you $2 a board foot.
You bring your own hardhat.
No, Maurice.
We don't have a deal.
What do you mean? Well, intellectually, it would be a gas, but the fact of the matter is, I read Heidegger in the shade of that tree.
Heidegger? Being and Time.
His masterpiece.
Authentic existence, inauthentic existence.
So, you're not going to do it, huh? I wouldn't feel right cutting Old Vicky down.
But, I do appreciate your offer.
More tree books.
Which ones? "Control of White Pine Nematodes" and "Pathological Anatomy of Leaf Spots.
" What about the "Fungal Disease Guide for Deciduous Trees"? No.
I asked for the "Fungal Disease Guide for Deciduous"- It's on loan.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
I'll tell you something.
Botany aside, I should not be put in this position.
This is crazy.
I'm a physician.
I have a sworn duty to heal.
They're asking me to sign the death sentence on Old Vicky here.
I'm supposed to pull the plug.
I know, what do you care, right? Because once she's whittled into firewood you'll be able to sleep at night.
You're not going to be sitting here with a sliver of doubt wondering is there just a chance, you know a sliver of hope, that this tree might pull through.
If only we wait and do whatever you do to trees.
Prune or spray or some soil amendments.
What? Your hand hurt? Yes, my hand hurts.
It hurts more than my foot which I didn't think was conceivably possible.
"Hello, Dr.
Fleischman?" "Sorry to be a butt-in-ski, but I need to see you" All right.
Marilyn there's a gastroenterologist.
His name is Lipkis.
He has a brother who has a tree group in L.
A.
It's TreePeople.
Yeah.
Why don't you give them a call? See if they can tell you where to get the "Fungal Disease Guide for Deciduous Trees.
" All right? L.
A.
, TreePeople.
"Just let me have that paper-towel dress" "I'll get changed in a jiffy" "a minute or less" Shelly, I don't think you need a gown.
What I need to do is a throat culture so why don't you just have a seat? "Throat culture? You're gonna look in my mouth" "Hey, I gotta tell you, the baby" "she's much further south" "I mean, that's why I'm here" "For my prenatal checkup" "My feet in the stirrups, my pee in a cup" You're not here because of this singing thing? "Hey, I figure it's like hiccups or gas" "You know what they say, this too will pass" Well, actually, you know, I'm not I'm not sure it'll pass, Shelly.
I mean, I've never seen or heard anything quite like this.
"I don't like the look on your face" "It's bumming me out" "I thought I was happy, but now I don't know" "You're making me feel like a major weirdo" All right, look, let's not get too worried.
How about, I'll do the prenatal and then, we'll get the throat culture a little later.
Okay? Is that all right? Okay.
Forgive me, but there's a gown in that cabinet.
I'll go outside and let you change.
Okay, Chris.
Three, two, one go.
Hooey, Cicely.
This is Chris on KBHR continuing today's arbor theme program live and on the scene from Old Vicky herself.
Let's keep on trucking with the most famous resident of Walden Pond.
This selection from The Maine Woods.
"I have been into the lumber yard "and the carpenter's shop, and the tannery, and "the lampblack-factory, and the turpentine clearing "but when at length I saw the tops of the pines "waving and reflecting the light at a distance "high over the rest of the forest-" Ed, that's Thoreau.
Why did you turn it off? Ed? Yes, Ruth-Anne? Are you all right? I did a terrible thing, Ruth-Anne.
Have you ever seen that movie I Confess? No, I don't believe I have.
Well, Montgomery Clift plays this priest.
And late one evening, a parish employee stops by to confess he's murdered a man.
Ed, what does any of that have to do with you? Oh, well.
See, Ruth-Anne, it's like this.
About two years ago, I was lying beneath Ootockalockatuvik with my girlfriend at the time, Lightfeather.
And I wanted to show her how much I loved her, so well, I I You what? I carved our initials into her trunk.
Put a heart around them.
And now, you know, she's dying.
You know, Ed, when someone dies it makes you think of the things you wish you had done.
And the things you wish you hadn't.
I remember, a few years ago, my niece's kids were up visiting.
We were out berry-picking.
I turned my back for a minute, and they ran off.
I found them 30 feet up Ootockalockatuvik sitting on a branch, swinging their legs, happy as clowns.
Yeah, I bet.
Well, I made them come down right away.
I was afraid they'd fall and break their necks.
And afterward, I felt bad.
'Cause you'd yelled at them.
Oh, no.
Because of what I'd done to Vicky.
Trees like to have kids climb on them.
Oh, right.
But I'm pretty sure Vicky forgave me.
After all, she is a tree and trees are much bigger than we are.
And much, much more forgiving.
Hey, Fleischman! Oh, hey.
I got some surgical scrub brushes for you.
I didn't order any surgical scrub brushes.
I know.
I was in Anchorage, and I walked by this medical supply store and they were having a sale and I thought, "Fleischman could use some of those.
" All right.
Please, O'Connell, just stay right there.
Why? Why? Because Just keep your niceness to yourself, okay? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me? Every time you're nice to me I seem to end up more damaged, now don't I? Fleischman, don't be ridiculous.
O'Connell, I'm not kidding.
Don't come any closer.
Fleischman you 're behaving like a genuine paranoid.
Paranoid? You call this paranoid? What, is this a figment of my imagination? Huh? Am I hallucinating this cast? Fleischman, you cannot blame me for that.
Yes, I can, O'Connell.
I'd be perfectly fine if you hadn't unnerved me with all your good will.
I'm not going to have any more of it.
Fine.
All right.
What am I supposed to do with these? I don't know, but All right, gentlemen.
Let's take her down.
Hold it.
Hold it, Minnifield.
We haven't heard from Fleischman yet.
He had till 1200 hours, Springer.
It's a quarter past.
I say time's up.
No reprieve.
You're not going to lay a finger on that tree till we get Fleischman's report.
You've been a thorn in my side for years, Springer.
Yeah, Minnifield? Well, what are you gonna do about it? You know what I think- Hey, hold on, guys.
Where's Fleischman? I'm afraid he's had a bad fall.
Well, what about Vicky? He's entrusted me with the report.
Well, you want to read it to us? Oh, yeah.
Says here "After consulting with arborists from the TreePeople organization "it is my opinion that the black cottonwood known as Old Vicky "has developed an infectious process "of a fungal etiology.
"Although leaf desiccation and decline in vigor "could be symptomatic of several agents "the mycelia appressed to the sapwood "are a clear indication of Armillaria mellea "commonly known as shoestring rot.
" Well, what the hell does that all mean? Let the man finish, Springer.
"Shoestring rot is a fatal illness "which is not responsive to treatment.
"Research shows the rate of degeneration is swift.
"Pressed to give a prognosis, I would say "given the advanced state of the disease "that the patient only has a few months to live.
" Amen.
Let me see that! Read all you want to, Springer.
It's not going to change a thing.
All right, men.
Let 'em rip! May, 1988.
I was picking wildflowers for the spring powwow.
All of a sudden it got cloudy.
It started to hail.
Hailstones as big as baseballs.
Luckily, I was near Old Vicky.
I got under her branches.
She kept me safe.
If it hadn't been for Ootockalockatuvik I could have gotten a concussion or worse.
To Vicky.
To Vicky.
Hey, Shelly, how are you? Look, I've been doing some research into your condition.
What I need to know is was there any prior indication that anything was happening to your speech or did the singing occur spontaneously? It's important.
Shelly? Shelly? What's going on? I'm not sure, Joel.
She was so happy chirping away like a robin in May.
Then she saw you for her pre-baby exam.
Well, now she won't even open her mouth.
Won't sing a word.
Oh, I didn't mean to scare her.
Look I got some good news here.
I found some precedents for her singing, believe it or not.
Oh? Yeah, listen to this.
Santiago, Chile.
A 14-year-old girl walks into a music store, picks up a violin plays the Bach chaconne in D-minor.
This is a girl who has no musical instruction whatsoever.
But, Joel, how can that be? Well, no one knows.
But the point is there's been quite a few similar cases of this spontaneous prodigious ability in healthy people, and it's been documented.
Well, what I'm saying is, her singing may not necessarily be symptomatic of any particular illness.
That certainly is a great relief, Joel.
Yeah, well, I should think.
But, tell me this.
This This girl from Chile, did she ever stop playing the violin? Stop playing? Did she ever go back to the way she was before? I don't know.
I mean, there was no mention of what happened after.
This isn't over yet, Minnifield! I've been talking to my lawyer in Talkeetna.
He says tree or no tree you still do not have free reign to build a structure that will negatively impact on me.
He's filing for an injunction.
You hear what I'm saying? You're never going to build that storehouse.
Doesn't matter.
What? What did you say? I said it doesn't matter.
I don't care about the storehouse.
What do you mean you don't care about the storehouse? You've been crazy to build that thing for the past 15 years.
What the hell are you trying to pull, Minnifield? See this? This is the scene of my greatest triumph.
I should be jubilant.
I should be grinding Old Vicky's leaves up into mulch and feeding her limbs into a wood stove.
But you know what I'm feeling right now, Springer? I don't feel anything.
You're just trying to throw me off balance.
Well, it won't work.
I'm still getting that injunction.
You know, I really should feel happy just because I skunked you.
But I just feel sort of empty.
To tell you the truth I sort of miss the sight of her.
"Oh, my little bunny-face" "My teenie-beanie cuddly thing" "I got a big bummer news" "Your mama can't talk" "Your mama can only sing" "No faking, no fooling" "She flaps her lips" "and out comes crooning" "Baby learns to use a spoon" "Mama only sings a tune" "Baby counts from one to three" "Mama makes a melody" "If baby falls and bangs a knee" "Sorry, here's a rhapsody" "Can you love a mom who can't gab or chatter?" "No yak or yammer, chew the fat" "No jaw and jabber" "Can you love a mom" "who doo-wops, scats?" "She warbles, yodels, spits the scales" "She bops and raps" "Oh, my little bunny-face" "My teenie-beanie cuddly thing" "I got a big bummer news" "Your mama can't talk" "Your mama can only sing" "No faking" "No fooling" "She flaps her lips" "and out comes crooning" "Shelly, honey, dry your eyes" "worry none, we'll harmonize" "In my opinion, talk comes cheap" "who needs to make a speech?" "Truth is, my lovely bride" "sing or talk, I'm by your side" "Oh, my little bunny-face" "My teenie-beanie cuddly thing" "Don't you feel lonely, don't you feel blue" "'Cause I'll be singing with you" "No faking" "No fooling" "I'll be singing with you" It's open! Hey, Fleischman.
Hey.
What a surprise.
How's the neck? Look, if you don't mind, I'd rather dispense with the pleasantries, okay? All right.
Do you want to sit down? No, I don't think I'm going to stay that long.
Well, suit yourself.
Look ever since we've known each other you've related to me in a very consistent manner.
Okay? You insult me and you hit me and you crashed me in your airplane.
Uh-huh.
Well, I know it doesn't sound pleasant, but you see, I can handle that.
Okay? I'm actually comfortable with that.
And, I guess what I'm here to do is to ask you, or plead with you if necessary, to just stop being so nice to me, okay? I mean, it's a small town, and I can't avoid you.
And up till now, thank God, none of these These injuries have been permanently disabling.
But if this niceness continues, I think anything could happen.
Well, okay, Fleischman.
I can try to modify my behavior.
But, I'd like something in return.
All right.
Well, name it.
You have to stop being such a jerk.
Well, could you be just a bit more specific, maybe? Well, all right.
Petulance, arrogance, whining, spite, sarcasm the incessant petty meanness, you know, that sort of thing.
Arrogance and petty meanness? O'Connell, look, let me try and explain something to you.
If I resort to sarcasm, it's only because- Because, because, because, because.
Fleischman, why do you always have to explain everything? Why does there always have to be a because? But, O'Connell, I'm just- No buts.
No ifs, no explanations, no negotiations.
These are the terms.
Fine.
I will definitely try.
I will try.
Okay.
Well, hey, get lost.
Huh? I'm hungry.
Okay.
You know, Maurice could've saved yourself a lot of dough and sweat just putting in one of those two-gallon saplings.
In a 100 years, nobody would know the difference.
The hell with posterity.
I'm doing this for me.
When Old Vicky came down, I couldn't stand the empty sky.
I needed something to fill it.
Do bring me that bucket over there, will you? Yeah, sure.
Ooh.
What is this stuff? That's vitamin B1.
Prevents root shock.
There, that ought to do it.