Scrubs s04e25 Episode Script

So here I am, sitting on a box in an empty apartment with a dead dog and a single tear on my cheek.
I can't help but wonder how I got to this place.
- Who are these guys? - The last eight guys in the hospital who don't realise I suck at basketball.
So here's what's gonna happen.
I finally mastered my running hook shot, OK? So when we go to pick teams, I'm gonna hit that shot.
Then you say, "I'll take that guy.
" At which point, Carla is gonna page me and I'll say, "Crap, I gotta go.
" You go, "Damn, we just lost the best player out here.
" There'll be eight guys who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.
When do you find time to see your patients? - Between these thoughts.
- OK.
Let's play some ball.
I got that guy.
Elliot's boyfriend, Jake, had given her confidence to do things she'd never been able to do before.
- OK, you ready to do this? - You know it.
Like talking to people while she's on the toilet.
OK.
I know how comfortable you are with Carla so I'm gonna have her do the talking.
You say when.
There's cheeks on the seat and I'm feeling good.
- Let's hear it.
- Hello, Elliot.
How are you doing? She went out the window.
Bob Kelso here before noon? They're either giving away free doughnuts at the café or there's an Asian prostitute convention in the ICU.
Is now the time I'm supposed to be embarrassed because I like fine food and Korean call girls? Write this down: I'm old and I honestly don't care what people think about anything I do.
That was me, folks.
No, I'm here because the budget's a mess.
Ted's not making much headway.
Sir, it's not giving me the answer.
It's a typewriter, you jackass! Oh, God, it's got my tie! Bob, this whole thing is only gonna take a couple of days so why not let Jordan do it? Yes, she is a member of the board but that only gets her out of the house once every couple of months or so.
And I know she loves our son, Jack, with all her heart but I think spending every waking moment with the child I think I think it's starting to get to her.
I hate you.
So, what do you say there, Bobbo? Welcome aboard.
This will be your office for the next few days.
- Ted, find someplace else to work.
- Oh, man! Not again! If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.
- In this hellhole, I'll need a gun.
- Bottom left.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
Why are we lying in the parking lot? Your hook shot knocked you unconscious so I laid down next to you so everyone would think we were chillin'.
Oh, thanks, SCB.
By the way, I should tell you something: I found an apartment.
I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- What does SCB mean? - "Super Chocolate Bear".
- I love it.
- I knew you would.
Someone stole a whole case of laxatives from the supply closet.
Don't look at me.
I'm as regular as rain.
- Who wants a piece of pie? - Who made it? Let's say my mom.
As a doctor, you get good at piecing things together.
- Someone stole a case of laxatives.
- Who wants a piece of pie? This one was obvious.
No, thank you.
Free pie? Hell, yeah.
I can't believe you two have lived together for 12 years.
Do you remember our first day together? Yo, they call me Chris One.
What's the dealio? Welcome to our lair.
I'm an eighth-level ogre magi with invisibility and this is Randal.
You were such a dork.
- I'm glad nothing else is changing.
- This is the time of year where everybody leaves, but Turk's got another year of residency.
J.
D.
And I just took positions as staff internists.
- Was that what you wanted? - There was a fellowship with this doctor over at County, but it's a little over my head.
So you took a fallback job cos you were afraid to go for it? - Jake, is it? - Yeah, it's I know your name.
I'm being condescending.
It's Jake, right? Look, no one here is settling.
At Sacred Heart, you get to work with some of the finest doctors.
Out of my way! I got a doozy of a two-sie! All right, then.
Before we jump into rounds I see it's time for my annual cologne intervention.
Lonnie, you're killing us.
And, honestly, what's the point? No matter how badly you want to get freaky with Karen that's just not going to happen.
Here's why: She thinks you have the body of a foetus.
- Did you tell me that in confidence? - No, he knows.
She drew me a picture.
Don't sweat it too much.
He wore so much cologne on our first date - I had to sell my Miata.
- Why? - For funsies.
- Heel.
- Thanks for that.
- Keep moving, foetus-face.
Come here, boy! Come on, Rowdy! - No, you come here, eat your steak! - What are you doing? Whoever Rowdy goes to gets to keep him.
Rowdy, if you come to me, I'll scratch your special region.
So you moved back all the furniture and defrosted our dinner with your sweaty hands for a joke? Yeah, we did.
If he stays, I'll drive him to the country and leave him.
He's mine.
I can't believe you talked me into this.
I don't interview well.
The reason I didn't get into Harvard.
The professor asked me what I hoped to accomplish, my nose bled and I splattered his shirt with blood.
How many people do you have to talk to while peeing before you start believing in yourself? You're right.
So, why are you interested in this fellowship? I have passion for the work you're doing.
I've heard you're amazing, and I would be honoured to work with you.
- Have a great day, honey.
- You have even a better one, you.
You do it! Yeah, yeah.
You have even a better one.
Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Bob, people have a private life, and people have a professional life and, usually, those two hells are kept pretty separate.
For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than that you treat your wife like a dog your dog like a wife and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drains your retirement to open up a shop in Minneapolis.
Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Aces.
And I'm guessing that's because his significant other - Terrence.
Doesn't follow him around the shop all day, telling him just exactly what colour is in this season or showing all of the other employees that he is not the boss of his own life.
You see, the woman is everywhere.
There when I work out in the morning when I work out in the car on the way to work and when I work out when I get to work.
I can't seem to get away from her and that used to be fine when she came for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now, I'd honestly kill myself, Bob if I wasn't convinced Jordan wouldn't already be there waiting for me in the afterlife.
You see, typical of her she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
I'm so glad you shared.
How would you like to make this a full-time job? I'll have to think about it.
How could you not see this coming? - Hooch just got in the shower.
- Let the games begin.
Who the hell put bouillon cubes in the showerhead? Did you do it? Did you? If it happens again, I will wait in my SUV blast me some speed metal, and someone will be getting mowed down.
Hooch is crazy.
I'm gonna miss this kind of stuff.
Why? We'll be able to pull pranks on him after you move out.
We won't be staying up planning anything as genius as the soup shower.
This is the end of an era, Super Choc.
You know how you're prone to sensitive, girly displays of sentimentality? Guilty.
If you reel it back a bit, I'll get somebody to cover for me tonight - And I'll help you pack your stuff.
- Can we cut words out of magazines that represent how we feel and glue them into a collage? - Hell, no.
- Can we drink beers and reminisce? - Hell, yes.
- That's all I wanted to do anyway.
Plus, I already made the collage.
Now listen to me.
Make tonight count cos you'll never be as cool as you were when you were rollin' with the big dog as your roommate, you know? No, I didn't know.
Maybe Jake shouldn't have pushed you into that interview.
Maybe I should've covered my mouth when I sneezed blood.
Come on, Elliot.
He's always telling you what to do.
That's not true.
Hey, it's Jake.
Buzz me up.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Don't let him be your puppet master.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's up? - I have a headache.
- Take some aspirin.
- Don't tell me what to do.
You're not the boss of me.
OK, what just happened? So, do you think I should take the job? Perry? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I was just thinking about this little boy in here.
He's only eight, and he's terminal.
I hope his parents spent as much time with him as they could.
You're here one minute, and then the next, you're What what were you saying? Nothing.
Stick your hand out.
Good man.
Get yourself some ice cream.
Go on, get out of here.
J.
D.
, I got a mondo 82-inch pizza with our names on it! Dude! It's hu What the hell? We're supposed to hang, and all of a sudden you moved out? It's hard to hide your emotions in front of people who know you well.
Answer it.
Or don't.
Hello.
Like excitement about a new job - I got the fellowship.
- Hey! or disappointment about a lost opportunity.
- I'm sorry, Bob.
I can't take the job.
- Maybe next year.
As for me, I just didn't want Turk to know that he'd hurt my feelings.
I don't know.
I figured it wasn't that big a deal.
Hey, I'm pretty tired from the move, so I'm probably just gonna crash.
I'm sort of famished.
- Morning.
- Yeah.
Turk didn't even realize he pissed me off so explaining my feelings to him was the smart move.
I took a slightly different tack.
- That seat's taken, arse-face.
- By who? Hello, there, Chocolate Bear Two.
Hooch? J.
D.
, what the hell's going on here? I replaced your arse.
By the by, Johnny told me that you were responsible for my brothy shower the other day.
If it happens again I'm gonna take one of your fingers.
That'll be my funny prank.
Hooch is crazy.
Oh, sorry.
Old habit.
I wasn't the only unhappy person in our hospital family.
Sure, Jake, I'll tell you why it feels like I have a problem with you.
The fact that Elliot jumps so high whenever you tell her to may seem harmless, but as a result, she's been stealing all my sports bras.
Seriously! The only one I have left is the one I'm wearing and it works great.
See? - It works pretty nicely.
- It does, right? But if I wanna jump up and down again this week I'm stuck until laundry day.
I'm gonna have to guess what your point is but I think it's that I control Elliot, which I don't.
Here.
Watch this.
Elliot, will you shove that guy? Why do that? I was trying to prove you don't do everything I say.
Well, clue me in, stud.
That was Creepy Carl.
He runs an upskirt website.
I'm on it.
Oh, yeah, Ted.
I moved the file cabinet.
I'm gonna miss this office.
Why? It smells like that odd combo of flop sweat, hopelessness and feet.
Yeah, I know.
It's just I guess this stupid job made me feel valid again.
You know? You don't know.
It's OK.
See you at home.
- Who's ready for a pie break? - No.
- Come on.
Why not? - Why don't you ask Todd? Due to what can only be described as epic diarrhoea he's been on an IV drip for 36 hours.
Make it stop five.
Maybe I was being unfair to Turk.
Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to sense you're upset and want to talk about it.
Carla, I can sense you're upset.
Talk to me.
But Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit they've been insensitive.
Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.
Touché, magic hallway.
I should've had more faith in my friend to come through.
Turk! No, it's me, Hooch, Vanilla Bear.
Hooch is crazy.
So, Hooch, this is it.
Then things took a turn.
Wait, where's Rowdy? "I'm at the hospital"? There he is! There he is! OK, he's going up.
I'll take the stairs.
You don't let anyone out of that elevator.
Be strong, Hooch.
I'll try.
So where's Chocolate Bear Number Two? Who else thinks they're faster than me, huh? Yo, Hooch is seriously crazy.
Carla, Jake makes me happy.
There's a chance he'll be my second boyfriend not to end up with my mom or brother.
He doesn't tell me what to do.
Sure, he did tell me to come up here and talk to you but I was gonna cos I wanted to ask if I should wear heels or flats when we celebrate my new job tonight.
Instead I'm trying to figure out your problem.
I thought you were staying, OK? I've been here for 11 years, and it's always the same story.
I get really close to someone, and they move on.
I don't want to be 50 making friends with the new 25-year-old interns.
They'll make fun of me when we go dancing.
Not if I go with you.
And then they kiss? Sorry.
Look at him.
What an angel.
Down, he's waking up.
Hey, Jordan Lookit, I tried to guilt you into not taking that job.
Really? Look, I don't want to be one of those moms that never sees her kids but I don't want to be one of those moms that stays at home but resents her kids cos she wishes she was working so she could go to an office and feel bad about not being with her kids.
I was just worried that you would think I was a bad mom.
Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically-enhanced battle-ax that I truly doubt is 100 percent human, but you are an amazing mom.
Say you're sorry, give me a hug and this'll be over.
Why do I have to say I'm sorry? I don't mean to sound girly but for the last 12 years, you've practically been like my wife.
How is that girly? Look, before, when you said I'd never be as cool as when I was living with you you know there's some truth to that.
I'm sorta like odd and geeky and you've always sort of validated me.
J.
D.
, you're just moving out.
Well, say things will be the same.
That's Carla.
I gotta go.
Things are gonna be different.
But different doesn't always mean bad.
Just means different.
- OK.
- All right.
No better pick-me-up than a nice slice of Mom's pie.
Why are you so obsessed with this? I don't know.
I think it's cos this time, I wasn't trying to mess with you.
Really? Really.
Who would do this to themselves? Totally worth it.
As every piece of food I'd put into my body was rushing out of me, it got me thinking.
The way some things never change shines a light on the things that do.
Like when a new person comes into the hospital to stay My office keys, Ted.
Can't believe I'm actually doing this.
You'll meet me out later, right? or an old friend leaves for good.
Sometimes the biggest changes are a result of an impulsive decision.
I think we should have a baby.
What? I know you're feeling abandoned but we just went through a really rough spot and I'm not the type to make decisions without thinking about it for at least, like, a few months.
Let's make a baby.
And so here I am, a guy in an empty apartment with a dead dog.
Oh, and that's not a tear on my cheek.
That's just from the leak in my ceiling.
And, yes, change is scary, but it's also inevitable.
It's up to you to make the best of it.
I mean, it's not like opportunity's just gonna fall into your lap.
Then again Howdy, neighbour, I'm Jonathan.
Hi.
You eyeballin' my woman? I hate change.