The Honeymooners (1955) s04e25 Episode Script

With the stars and Hi, Alice.
Hi, Trix.
Hey, Alice, are you sure you gave me Joe Muncie's number right? Yeah, I think so.
There's still no answer.
But I got ahold of everybody else and they're all coming.
They'll be here tomorrow night at 6:00.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I hope you remembered to tell Bill Casti not to breathe a word of this to Ralph at work.
I want this to be one birthday that's really a surprise for Ralph.
Oh, you don't have to worry about Bill.
He told me that if he had his way, he wouldn't even tell his wife about the party.
Oh! Well, now, listen, to make sure that it doesn't leak out, Trix, don't even tell Ed.
Ed would be sure to tell Ralph.
Yeah.
Now, I got my shopping list all made out for tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna serve sandwiches, ice cream, coffee, punch, potato chips, peanuts, chocolate cake with "Happy birthday to Ralph" on it On second thought, I'd better make that coconut cake.
Why? Ralph's crazy about chocolate cake.
That's just it.
I bought him a new belt for his birthday, and I want to make sure it fits the day after.
Oh.
Well, you could always exchange it for a larger size.
There is no larger size.
If this belt doesn't fit Ralph, then it's back to safety pins.
Oh, gee, Alice, the boys will be coming home pretty soon from the lodge meeting, so I got to get back upstairs.
But, look, honey, if there's anything else you want me to do for you, just let me know.
All right.
Thanks a million, Trix.
Okay.
Good night, Alice.
'Night.
Yeah.
Say, Alice How about a little pizza? Yeah! How about a little pizza, Alice? Oh, no, thanks, Ralph.
I'm going to bed.
Going to bed? Yeah, and Ralph doesn't want any pizza either.
What do you mean I don't want any pizza? I'm hungry! Ralph, I made you a very nice salad, and it's in the icebox.
Now, good night, honey.
Good night, Ed.
Ralph, salad.
Good night.
You, uh want me to take this pizza upstairs? Sort of remove the temptation? What do you think I am, a child or something? That if anything's in front of me, I gotta eat it? Who needs it? I've got a salad.
Not a bad one, either.
Everything on here is good for you.
Got carrots for your eyes.
Got beets for your blood.
There's lettuce for your teeth.
Everything's good.
Everything's good for something on this plate.
Poor little pizza! Ain't good for nothing.
Boy I'm, I'm telling you, if pizzas were manhole covers, the sewer would be a paradise.
Will you stop waving that thing! I thought you said it didn't bother you.
It doesn't bother me.
You wanna eat it? Go ahead and eat it.
Just don't eat it and enjoy it so much.
You want some pizza? Yes.
You can't have any.
It's not that I'm selfish, that I don't want to give you any.
It's not any good for you, that's all.
I didn't ask you for half a pizza or a quarter of a pizza or even an eighth of a pizza.
All I want is a teensy- weensy little piece to find out what it tastes like.
Well, all right, I guess a teensy-weensy little piece won't hurt.
And what am I gonna do with that? What's the matter? Ain't it enough for you? You want more? Yes, I want more! Aah Look, if you wanted a teensy-weensy piece, why didn't you ask? This is an itsy-bitsy piece.
This is a teensy-weensy piece.
If you wanted an itsy-bitsy piece, which is bigger, then you should have asked.
This is a teensy-weensy Sit down and eat! Hey.
What? What do you make of this? "Sandwiches, ice cream, coffee cake with 'Happy birthday, Ralph' on it" Hey! Looks like you're gonna have a birthday party.
How about that? Here's a list of the people that are gonna be invited.
How about that? She didn't forget my birthday.
She's even gonna run me a party.
Yeah! It's too bad you're not gonna be here to enjoy it.
What do you mean, I'm not gonna be here? You're not invited.
Your name ain't on the list.
How about that? She's running a surprise party for me.
I haven't had a surprise party in my whole life.
Well, it's it's too bad you're seeing this, Ralph.
I mean, she went through a lot of trouble to order the groceries and inviting all these people.
You'll probably break her heart.
You don't think for one minute that I'm gonna let her know that I know that she's running a party for me, do you? I gotta make believe I know nothing about it.
You know, I'll act surprised.
I'll come home tomorrow, and I'll say, "Oh-ho, whoa! What a surprise!" No, no, no, you don't do Look, listen to me, will you? You come home tomorrow night, you open up the door, there, in front of you is a sea of faces.
You're flabbergasted, you get, you get choked up-- right up to here-- your eyes start welling up with tears, you can't talk, you can't even find your voice, and then you finally Look, let me be you.
I'm coming in the door there.
You, tomorrow night, coming in.
Now watch, Ralph, see.
Ah ( choked up ) ( blubbers ) What a surprise! Will you shut up! ALICE: What's all the noise out there? What's going on? It's Now you woke her up.
It's nothing, Alice.
Nothing at all.
Norton was just showing me something.
Just, uh, just giving him a little acting lesson, Alice, when he comes home tomorrow night.
Shut up! Nothing! Go to bed, hon.
Shut up and eat your pizza.
Salad? Ah, as for this room, I think I'll do the walls in green.
Yes, a nice, cool, pale green.
Oh! It sounds wonderful.
Believe me, my dear, when I finish decorating this place, it'll be a different apartment.
Now, all that remains is for you to okay my choice of materials for the drapes and furniture.
I've got some samples here.
Uh-huh.
Hi, Alice.
Oh Trix! The most wonderful thing has happened.
I'm gonna have my whole apartment redecorated.
No! Yes! This is Andre, he's the interior decorator from Morgan's Department Store.
And the most wonderful thing about it is, is that it's all gonna be done for free.
Morgan's Department Store is gonna do the whole place for nothing.
Morgan's Department Store for nothing? Yes! I went down to Morgan's this afternoon, looking around for some curtain material.
And I was just kind of browsing around, and then Andre came over and he started to ask me a couple of questions, and next thing I knew, he'd offered to decorate the apartment for nothing.
Well, you see, it's all part of an advertising campaign.
Morgan's wants to show what you can do with a little money and a bit of ingenuity.
Trix, it's gonna be in the Sunday papers.
Pictures of this apartment, before and after.
But so soon? Well, it only takes a day.
They're gonna come in tomorrow morning and they'll all be finished by tomorrow night.
So, we haven't much time, my dear.
Will you look at these samples, please? Oh, well, do we have to look at them now? My husband will be home any minute.
But surely your husband will be delighted.
Well, that's just it.
I'd like it to be a surprise for him.
And I hate to ask you this, but if you don't mind, but could you come back a little later, say, about 8:00? 'Cause my husband goes bowling tonight.
Alice, Alice, what about the birthday party tonight? Oh, I canceled that, Trix.
I called everybody up and I said, "Make it tomorrow night.
" Oh.
See, with the apartment redecorated and all, it'll really be a surprise for Ralph.
Mm.
All right.
I'll be back around 8:00, and I'll see you then.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Thanks.
Oh, may I ask, when was this apartment was decorated last? When? Uh oh, it was about two years ago when my nephew came in with an ice cream cone.
Huh.
Uh Good-bye.
Bye.
Oh, Alice, isn't he cute? And such lovely manners.
Yeah.
Ed used to have manners like that.
Well, so did Ralph.
What's happened to their manners, anyway? Don't you know? They swapped them for a marriage license.
( chuckling ): Oh.
Oh, Andre left one of his gloves.
Oh.
I'd better hide it 'cause I don't want Ralph to know he's been here.
Yeah.
Say, Alice Yeah? I just put a hem in that new dress of mine, and I was wondering if you could come upstairs and see if I got it straight.
Oh, sure, Trix, I'll be right up, but I just want to go in and take these shoes off 'cause they're killing me.
Oh, all right, look, I'll go up and get into it first.
You come up in the meantime.
All right, I'll be right up.
Okay.
( door shuts ) Oh! What a surprise Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Hiya.
I'll get your supper ready for you right away 'cause I know you wanna go bowling tonight.
What are you looking around for? Nothing.
Just seems a little quiet here, that's all.
Quiet? Why do you say that? I don't know.
It just seems quiet.
Well, I should think you'd be thankful for that, Ralph.
Any man who works as hard as you do all day doesn't want to come home to a noisy apartment.
Yeah.
I wouldn't mind it noisy now and then, you know, like, once a year.
Well, I've got to run up to Trix's, Ralph.
Oh.
Oh-oh-oh! ( laughs ) You're going up to Trixie's, huh? Yeah.
Want me to come along? What for? I'm only gonna look at the hem on her dress.
Oh.
Oh, gotta look at a hem.
Uh-huh.
All right, I'll wait down here, and I'll be ready when you call me.
Happy birthday, Ralph, happy birthday to me Happy birthday to you, happy Whoa! Happy birthday to you, Ralph Happy birthday to you.
( mutters ) Well, so it's upstairs, huh? What upstairs? What's upstairs? What? The party.
The party is upstairs in your place.
If there's a party upstairs, what would I be doing down here dancing with you? I don't understand.
Now, we saw the list of the food and the guests that were supposed to come, Hey and she's all dressed up.
Hey, there, but I think I got it.
You know how? Yeah.
Alice makes out a list of the groceries she's gonna get for the party, she makes a list out of the people she's gonna invite to the party, and then she lets you find those lists right here, see? That's the surprise.
What? There ain't gonna be no party! Get out! Get out! Did you go up to Trixie's? Did you find out anything? Didn't find out a thing.
I was just down at Manicotti's.
She doesn't know anything about a surprise party either.
I don't understand it.
Why should she call the party off? And more than the party, never once since we've been married has she ever forgotten my birthday.
She always gives me a gift at least.
I know that.
Wait a minute, that proves there's a party.
What? That's why she hasn't given me the gift yet.
She's waiting until the party starts before she gives me the gift.
I'll prove it to you.
I'll find the gift.
Don't worry.
I'll find it.
It's got to be in here someplace.
Hey! Nice-lookin' pair of gloves, Ralph.
Where's the other one? How should I know? They're not my gloves.
Nah, nah, I guess they're not your gloves.
The guy that left this here must be a real snappy dresser, huh? What do you mean, "The guy that left that here"? Maybe Alice found it someplace.
Ah, that's right.
She probably found it and brought it home and stuck it under the pillowcases there and put it in the back of the drawer.
Let me see that.
What would a man be doing up here in this apartment? And why should she hide this glove under some things in the drawer? Wait a minute, wait, I know just exactly what you're thinking.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Alice is true-blue.
You're right, Norton, I am ashamed of myself.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I'm all mixed up on account of the party, that's what it is.
That's it.
I should be suspicious of her looking at another man? There's a laugh.
With me around? ( laughs ) Ha.
You know, the funny part about it is, when she dresses up good, like she's dressed tonight, she's the one that's in danger.
Any guy that sees her, he's gotta go for her like that.
Oh, sure.
But she'd never go for anybody.
I'm not suspicious about her, boy.
Not in the least.
Not the least suspicious of her.
What are you doing all dressed up?! Dressed up? You mean this old thing? What do you mean, "old thing"? You've only had it a couple of years.
Why are you wearing it now? I decided I'd break it in.
And besides, Winston Churchill was here to tea, and I couldn't greet dear old Winnie in just anything.
I'll only be a minute, Ralph.
I gotta match up some thread for Trixie and I'll come right down and fix you supper, 'cause I know that you want to go bowling tonight.
Uh what are you gonna do when I'm out bowling tonight, Alice? Same as usual.
Well, uh, I know that you mean you'll be all alone here, and but I don't think I should leave you alone tonight.
I don't think I'll go bowling.
You won't go? But Ralph, you gotta Ralph, you go bowling every Thursday night.
Now, isn't that silly? You go right ahead and enjoy yourself.
Don't you worry about me.
I won't be lonely.
There is something strange taking place in this house.
There's something funny going on, Norton.
Why should she call the party off? Why? Why should she get all dressed up? Now, what do we do from there? Alice been smoking cigars lately? That proves it! That proves it.
Now we know even more about him: He wears gloves, smokes expensive cigars, and he's got a guilty conscience.
Oh, why don't you shut up? Just a moment.
Now I know why she called off the party.
Why? Because he's coming here tonight! That's why.
That's why she was so anxious for me to go bowling.
'Cause he was coming here! Just wait 'til I get my hands on him.
Wait a minute, let me think.
Let me think just a minute.
He left the glove here, he left a cigar butt I got it.
Maybe Alice wasn't kidding.
Maybe Winston Churchill was here today! ALICE: Ralph! It's a quarter to eight.
You'll be late for bowling.
All right, Ralphie Boy, how about a little bowling? What is the matter with you? Here, my home is being broken up, my happiness destroyed, and you want to know if I'm ready to go bowling.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry, Ralph.
How about shooting a little pool? ( pounds fist on table ) Now, look, just don't sit here eating your heart out.
Why don't you call your wife out here and let's clear the air.
Get her out here and demand an explanation.
Oh, I got some case.
Some case.
You don't think she's gonna admit to anything, do you? All I want to do is get my hands on that guy, that's all.
Well, it's not like we don't know anything about the guy.
We know he wears the gloves, he smokes the expensive cigars I know, I know.
We're not taking any ads in the paper either.
Now, look.
That guy is coming here tonight.
But if he knows I'm here, he's not coming in.
She'll get word to him somehow that I'm here.
All I have to do, if she wants to play that game, I can play the same game.
She's anxious for me to go bowling so this guy can come here and she can have a meeting with him, okay.
But I'm gonna fool her.
I'm gonna fool her, Norton.
I'm going bowling, but I'm not going bowling.
You're not only gonna fool her, you got me all mixed up.
Don't you understand? I'll tell her I'm going bowling, and I'll say good-bye, slam the door, we open the window, we get out on the fire escape and we stay there until this bum shows up.
Then I can hear and see everything they do.
Ah, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I mean, you're not gonna stoop so low as to go outside on that there fire escape and spy in here on your wife, are you? I mean, let's face it, that went out with the stone age when people were uncivilized, that's all.
I mean, you-you can't you just can't do a thing like that today.
What am I gonna do? Do what any civilized man would do.
Hide a dictaphone here in the room.
Will you let me handle it my way? Take your here.
Now, first of all, we open the window.
It's stuck.
Hold this.
Help me with this thing.
All right.
( grunting ) All right, now Alice! Alice, honey, I'm going bowling now.
ALICE: All right, Ralph.
Have a good time.
Okay.
I'm going, too, Alice, so there won't be anybody here to bother you.
Shut up.
Don't worry if I'm not back early.
I'm gonna stop off after I play and have a little piz-- salad! ALICE: All right, honey.
Take your time.
Okay, I'm going now.
( whispering ) Don't leave the bowling balls there.
Get them.
Come on.
( knock on door ) I'll be right there! Ooh! Oh, hello.
Come in, Andre.
Hello, my dear.
Is it safe to come in? Is your husband gone? Oh, yes.
It's safe.
He's gone.
He won't be home until late.
Oh, good.
ANDRE: You know what, I-I feel I feel a little uncomfortable about this.
I usually like to get the husband's approval.
Well, you know, right after you left, I was kind of thinking it over, you know, when you left this afternoon, and I thought, maybe I'd tell him, but it's so much more fun this way.
ANDRE: All right, my dear, but you know, sometimes the husband comes up with a pretty useful suggestion.
ALICE: Well, I really think this way is best.
You know, Ralph has such old-fashioned ideas, he'd just make things difficult for you.
I see.
Well, I've got it all arranged for tomorrow morning.
What time does your husband leave? ALICE: Well usually about 7:00.
ANDRE: it's possible to get him out any earlier, is it? Hmm I could try, but I don't want to do anything to make him suspicious.
All right.
I mean, you know, I've gotten along this far without his catching on, and I'd certainly hate to do anything to spoil it now.
ANDRE: All right, I'll be here at 7:15.
Oh, well, by the way, did I leave one of my gloves when I was here this afternoon? Yes, you did, and I hid it in a drawer so Ralph wouldn't see it.
I'll get it for you now.
Well, now, that's funny.
I know I put it in here.
Now, where do you suppose that could be? Aha! Ow! ( shouting ) I'll tell you where it is! Right there! And I'm gonna stick it right down your throat, you gigolo! Ralph! Don't you "Ralph" me! So I'm old- fashioned, huh? I got old-fashioned ideas and I'm difficult.
Wait 'til you see how difficult I make it for him to put his hat on.
He ain't gonna have any head! I am quite through, Mrs.
Cranston! You're through all right! Will you help me out of here?! Let me Out of my way! Ralph! Just one moment.
You listen to me.
I don't want to listen to nothin'.
Out of my way! You listen to me.
I'm gonna tell you what you've just done, Ralph.
We were gonna have this whole apartment redecorated.
New drapes, new rugs, new furniture, Ralph.
That gigolo, as you call him, happens to be Andre, the interior decorator for Morgan's Department Store.
And Morgan's Department Store, Ralph, was gonna decorate this entire apartment for us for nothing, for an advertising stunt.
It wasn't gonna cost us one cent, Ralph-- not one penny-- and you had to go and spoil everything.
You don't wanna go bowling.
You don't wanna go bowling now, do you? I'll go bowling.
You don't wanna go ( growling ) All right, Alice.
I'm a moxe.
I did it again.
Sorry if I'm jealous, but just the mere thought of any guy even looking at you is enough to drive me nuts.
I don't know what to say or what to do and I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again.
What's that? Happy birthday, Ralph.
Baby, you're the greatest.