The Mindy Project s04e25 Episode Script

Mm Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
That was so spur of the moment.
It's okay.
I feel horrible.
I mean, you have a girlfriend, and here I am trying to seduce you like some hot Hollywood nanny.
- I need to go.
- Wha Courtney, can we have lunch tomorrow? We need to talk.
It's about us.
[sighing.]
It's happening, Curtis.
He's going to propose! [hip-hop music.]
- Intercept, come on - Hey, Morgan.
Here are the lab test results for Mrs.
, um Pregnant chick? Uh, what's her name? Hey, are you okay? I got a half-eaten candy bar right here on my desk.
You haven't even tried to steal it.
- Sorry, it won't happen again.
- No, no, no, no.
Come here.
Come on.
What's going on? Sit down.
Talk to Morgan, okay? What's going on with you? You're all flushed, you've got no focus, you Nothing.
You wrote "Mindy + Jody?" on your arm - Okay - Okay, I give up.
- What's going on? - Okay, I'll tell you.
Yesterday, Jody and I kissed.
Why didn't you gasp? [gasps.]
What? Wait, do you know something? I do.
And it's freaking juicy.
I can't tell you.
- Do you know what this means? - [whimpers.]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not the pinchers, please.
Tell me what you know, and I will put these away.
Okay, okay, hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on! Jody told me months ago that he's into you.
What? Ah! Oh! Ah! I told you! I told you! I cannot believe you! You had a secret that big and you didn't tell me? And you told me so many boring secrets! Like, I don't care who your stupid birth father is.
Well, okay, it was big to me.
But listen, I promised Jody I wouldn't tell, okay? And I can't let another office romance shatter my existence.
I'm still recovering from Beverly/Water Guy.
That really tore this office apart.
Yeah! Anyway, it doesn't really matter, because he's so not interested in me, Morgan.
After I kissed him, he ran out of my office.
It was like Jon Hamm at Equinox all over again.
Well, I mean, do you do you like him? I don't know.
Maybe.
I mean, I know I'm attracted to him.
He's old and handsome like Bob Dole.
But he's not dead, like I think Bob Dole might be.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
But it doesn't matter anyway, because he has a girlfriend.
And if he really liked me, he'd break up with her and ask me out.
It's not like someone's holding a gun to his head.
Yeah, you're right it's not like someone walked into his office and said, "Stay away from Mindy, or else.
" Yeah, that's what I said.
Yeah, I was agreeing with you.
It's good.
Anyhoo, back to the baby mines.
- Mm-hmm.
- So embarrassing.
One of these days, I got to learn to stop kissing my coworkers.
- Yeah, uh, very cool - Good-bye.
Good-bye.
[loud kissing.]
I'll see you I'll see you in a little bit.
Bye! Dr.
C, huh? More like Dr.
C-blocker! Blocking their kisses! Handsome little bastard.
So, you must have wanted to talk to me about something big, 'cause you brought me to my favorite restaurant.
- I sure did.
- [giggles.]
It's not like I chose some random vegetarian restaurant because they don't have sharp knives, probably.
And I thought this day couldn't get any better.
- Oh - And I told my parents what this might be about.
- [winces.]
- They're so excited.
Oh, fantastic.
Dad actually had his first good day in quite a while.
We really needed that.
[sighs.]
Well, that's great.
Uh, Courtney [sighs.]
You are a wonderful woman.
[clears throat.]
And this is difficult Courtney? - Oh, my gosh! - Oh, my God! Alyssa! - Perfect timing.
- How are you? - Good to see you! - Listen, this is Jody.
- My boyfriend.
- Well Well, it's about time.
Oh, my gosh.
You know this is where Brad proposed to me, right? - What? Oh! - Oh, at Buddha's Kitchen.
Oh, for come on Eat your dessert carefully, Court.
There might be a surprise in it! - Okay.
- Bye.
- Buh-bye - [giggling.]
We got a situation here, people.
Dr.
K and Dr.
L were kissing at work.
[all gasping.]
- What? - Damn.
Dr.
L sure has a type.
Co-workers who are annoyed at her all the time.
You know what? It's not gonna go any further than it already has, for reasons that I cannot disclose.
Until right now.
It's because Dr.
Castellano showed up, and he threatened Dr.
K, and he forbid their love.
What? Danny doesn't make the rules her anymore.
I do that's why I'm able to wear my high-heeled men's boots.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm! - These are for men? - He will not stop getting all up in our lives.
I still get his healthy eating newsletter, "Dan's Kitchen.
" You know, it's none of Danny's business.
Jody's a grown man.
He can date whomsoever he pleases, soever.
Not if he said he wouldn't.
Jody takes honor seriously.
You know, it's a damn shame, because I think Dr.
L and Dr.
K could be a great couple.
Really? I wouldn't wish either of them on either of them.
[sighs.]
Beverly, no.
Come on.
It makes sense, okay? He's patient with her.
He's not all yelly like Dr.
C was.
They enjoy each other's company.
And he's gonna die soon.
Dr.
Lahiri can inherit a lot of money.
- [laughs.]
- And she's good for him.
He's been enjoying ethnic food.
He's stopped saying the word "Oriental.
" - Why? - I don't know.
On the one hand, it sounds like they could be a horrible couple.
But on the other hand, she's not Courtney, so I'm 100% behind this.
Danny is being uncivilized.
I'm gonna pay him a little visit at his new practice downtown.
I'm going with you because I can speak Dr.
C's language.
"Ay! Fugget about it!" I'm gonna work on it on the subway.
Cool building.
Is this new? Kind of nice.
Wow, that is a lot of baseball memorabilia for a women's health center.
Where's all the shouting and drama like our office? Oh! Dot! Hi.
Morgan.
You're you're Dr.
C's mom's best friend, right? Maybe I'm her best friend.
I have a lot of friends.
Can you please tell Dr.
C See you next time, and as always, thanks for keeping the chitchat to a minimum.
- Dot, you can send in - [clears throat.]
Morgan, I told you: Mindy and I don't have joint custody over you.
- You got to stay where you work.
- We got to talk.
All right? Dr.
L is not property.
And just because she has those booty shorts that say "Property of Men," that doesn't mean you can tell her who she can and she can't date.
Yeah, Danny, this is mad behavior.
Who a person dates is between them and their nail technician.
What the hell are you guys talking about? Okay, you came to the office, and you forbid Dr.
K from dating Dr.
L, okay, and it was the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me, and I've been buried alive.
- Okay - Danny? Can you tell me what this is all about? Are you kidding me? You let the nurses call you "Danny" here? Okay, I just did it.
I'm sorry, Dr.
C.
Uh, not all the nurses.
Just Sarah, 'cause she's also my girlfriend.
Beverly, I'm headed to the hospital, and I would like you to forward my calls.
[both laughing.]
J/k, I know you don't know how to do that.
- Can you imagined? - Yeah, you'd be like, - [imitating phone dialing.]
- Where's Jody? Oh.
Hey, Courtney.
Is everything okay? Uh, no, nothing is okay, thanks to that bastard.
Hmm.
- [sighs.]
- Courtney.
I was going to call you in this much.
But you're already upset.
Yeah, 'cause I found out the big thing we need to talk about.
You gave me Chlamydia? Bu Don't play dumb I just came from my doctor, and she said I must have gotten it from you.
Could your doctor be wrong? You did say "She.
" How did this happen, Jody? You're an OBGYN.
Well, I don't know.
I haven't been unfaithful.
But thinking about it, I supposed it has something to do with the scores of women I had unprotected sex with before I met you.
This is reprehensive, Courtney.
I would understand if this makes you want to end things right now.
No.
- You're handsome, and - Oh, for And my cat Curtis likes you, which is really saying quite a bit.
It's curable, and you seem very sorry, so I'll I'll get over this too.
Fine.
If Chlamydia won't end this, I'll have to rely on another STD: a Straight Truth Delivery.
The fact is, Courtney, I can't be with you because I've met someone.
Wha Who knows where it's going, but I owe it to myself to find out.
Why, meeting this woman may have been the most important You son of a bitch! Oh.
Danny, are you still in love with her? No! No.
I'm not no.
No.
I'm I'm I'm I'm a man.
Whose dad my dad you know, I told you that.
He ran out on me and my mom and my broth[trails off.]
.
Look [clears throat.]
Sarah, it's complicated.
It's very, very complicated.
Is it? It's complicated? Oh, it's complicated, Danny.
Well, you know Oh! Oh! [all shouting.]
God, I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that.
I just wanted to punctuate the moment, and it sort of seemed like something that an angry person would do.
- Okay, we'll pick it up.
- Oh, God.
I thought it would be weirder if I didn't react, and if I had to do it again, I would pick something less breakable.
Um, maybe just kick something, but to be clear, I am very mad! Yes.
Yes, it's clear.
No, no, no, wait.
Sarah.
Sarah No, no.
I don't want to hear it.
I'm gonna leave.
Okay? [sighs.]
It was really nice to meet you, though.
- It's, uh, really nice.
- Hi.
- Really great to meet you.
- Yeah.
I'm usually not a smasher at all.
- No, of course.
- So, bye.
- Sarah, can I - No.
- Okay.
- That is a fun energy that I could really get on board with.
Excuse me, everyone.
I have a dramatic announcement about your boss.
Dr.
K gave me Chlamydia.
- Gross.
- Well, have a nice day, everyone.
I know I won't, because again, I have Chlamydia! I didn't do anything wrong, okay? I should have a say over the men Mindy brings into our son's life, right? I mean, what happens if she dated a serial killer? She would date a serial killer in five seconds, but not Dr.
K he's a good guy.
I saw him call a homeless man "Sir.
" I don't think he was being sarcastic.
And being so focused on Mindy's dating life? That's not gonna be great for your relationship with Sarah.
Everything was great between me and Sarah before you two showed up.
We're building a birdhouse together.
Doesn't Mindy deserve a chance to be happy as well? - No.
- Dr.
C! - Danny, come on.
- Okay.
- Take it back! - Oh Okay.
- Yes, she does.
- Thank you.
If Jody wants to go after Mindy, he can knock himself out.
Great.
That is the correct decision.
What matter is love, it won the day.
You.
Lips.
Come here.
Morgan seal of approval.
Come here.
- Let me see those lips.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- All right, I love you too.
- Let's go.
- You did the right thing.
- I'm proud of you.
- Ooh.
That's gross, Dr.
K.
You got the sting! It's really gonna change how I picture you peeing.
Please, um, could we keep my diseased loins a secret? Just between the three of us? [sighs.]
both: Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Texting doesn't count, right? - No, ma'am.
I'm about to put this on Twitter.
You know, I think Danny might be wrong.
I think Mindy and Jody make a fine couple.
I think so too, you know [phones buzzing.]
It's just two people looking for the both: Dr.
K has Chlamydia.
- Or not.
- Oh, my Hey, guys, I need to talk to you.
Yes, I followed you.
Sarah, I don't think you need to worry, because I think Danny's pretty taken with you.
I don't know.
Sometimes he talks to her in his sleep.
- Like, "Mindy, shut the fridge!" - Oh.
And they have a kid together, and he refuses to tell me anything about her.
So I did some digging on my own.
No, no, no did you find that footage of her looting during Sandy? No, but I I looked her up online, and she's so cool.
Not to mention all of her celebrity friends.
- What? - Celebrity friends? What are you talking about? She Tweets at Lady Gaga like several times a day, and it's all sex and relationship advice, so they must be really close.
Please take me to meet her.
I'm worried that I'm becoming obsessed.
It's not not a good idea, Sarah.
I need to meet her.
Because if I keep feeling this way, I don't know that I can stay with Danny.
- Oof.
- [exhales sharply.]
[door opening.]
Hey, I got your prescription for your huge-ass antibiotics.
Wonderful.
Thank you, Tamra.
Uh, you could have handed them to me.
You're not gonna get Chlamydia.
Nah, I'm good.
Hey, did you tell Dr.
L yet? She's gonna be so mad.
She flipped out when she caught a yawn from me.
Actually, I was thinking I wouldn't tell Dr.
Lahiri.
What? You're like a villain in a health class movie.
We haven't even gone on a date yet.
Chlamydia is a minor illness.
Basically an ear infection.
I'll be healthy soon enough.
I've known Dr.
L a long time, and she's gonna want to tear you apart.
I'd start wearing more complicated pants.
Maybe a jumpsuit.
I think I can handle my own affairs, Tamra.
You may leave.
Mm.
See you, Chlamyd-o.
[phone buzzes.]
Saw Courtney.
Everything Okay? She looked upset.
Actually, we broke up.
Yes! Aww.
Sad face.
Huh.
Let's go out tonight.
Happy face.
Party hat.
Electric guitar.
Or maybe we could go out in seven to ten days? Huh? What? That's like a month.
No way.
Pick me up after work.
Yes.
Heh, heh, heh.
[sighs.]
What to wear, what to wear? This one? This one? This is sexier you know what? It doesn't matter, 'cause it's not gonna be on my body for too long.
[laughing.]
- Hey.
- [laughing.]
Hi.
I don't want to interrupt.
Who who's in here? - Just me.
- What are you doing? I'm just being hilarious.
- [laughs.]
- Yeah.
Can I help you? Yeah, uh, this is a little unusual.
Patient showed up.
No appointment.
She would love it if you could squeeze her in.
You know what, if she's paying, I am squeezin'.
- Send her in.
- Come on in, ma'am.
Here she is.
It's Dr.
Lahiri.
- Hi.
- Uh, ma'am? I hope this helps you find what you're looking for so you feel better medically.
Just remember to be respectful.
Be chill.
Okay, get the hell out of here.
I'm so sorry about him.
It's great to meet you.
I'm Dr.
Lahiri.
Oh, hi.
I'm Sarah.
Wow, you're you're so beautiful, and I love your outfit.
It's so sexy, but also classy.
You look like Taraji Henson at a small claims court.
Wow.
Taraji P.
Henson, right? - Yeah.
- Well, thank you.
Come have a seat.
Oh, wow.
Everything is so fancy here.
In your waiting room, I saw that there was a throw pillow that said "Paris.
" This is already the best consultation of my life, and I just met you.
So, Sarah, if you're here to see me, I can assume you are considering having kids? Well, uh, yes.
I'm I'm with this great guy, and he wants to, but I feel like it's moving really fast.
I mean, his mom only stopped calling me "The new one" last week.
I can relate to that.
Sounds like your guy and my ex are two of a kind.
[force laugh.]
But they're they're two they're two totally different guys.
Yeah.
Of course.
So, do you often think about that guy your ex? Oh yeah.
Oh, Christ.
All the time.
It didn't work out, but we had this insane sexual chemistry.
You know, that you can't shake even when you break up.
And now, even today, I'll just, like, you know, draw his penis to calm myself down.
That's not your penis to draw anymore! You know what? You're right.
That's not my penis to draw.
I got to put that penis away.
And keep myself open for a new one.
I have this hot date tonight with this totally new guy.
I work with him, and he's really supportive of me in a way I'm not used to.
Mm, I think he likes me, so You know, I know that we just met, but I really think you should go all in with this guy.
Thank you so much.
You're a really good friend.
I feel so much better.
Mindy's interested in someone else.
She's clearly not a threat.
She's not a threat! Except to herself.
She's started pouring milk on Girl Scout cookies.
She's eating it like cereal.
When she falls asleep at her desk, I got to sneak these insulin shots into her.
There's got to be changes.
Well, I can't thank you enough for helping me resolve these feelings before the wedding.
Of course, and uh, what wedding? Oh, Danny didn't tell you? We're engaged.
I hope you can come.
He wasn't just a pet.
He was a friend.
Yeah, and every summer after I raised that goose, he'd fly over our house in the inky night sky and honk me a thank you.
That was such a moving story.
It's making me regret ordering goose tonight for dinner.
- [chuckles.]
- This has been really nice.
Yes, it has.
It was interesting hearing about your time in Haiti.
To be honest, I didn't even think you could find it on a map.
Oh, I can't the airplane driver's in charge of that.
Of course.
- Can I be honest? - Yeah.
I have been looking forward to this date all day.
I was kind of on autopilot through my last hysterectomy.
I might have actually taken something else out.
[laughs.]
Well, that's why we have malpractice insurance.
[laughter.]
Whoo! That was nice.
I'm gonna be whistling about that all the way home.
- Bye.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You're obviously coming upstairs.
I'm all turnt from the smooching.
Oh, I I would love that, but, uh, it's been a long day, and what with the breakup, and reliving those goose memories, I'm emotionally drained.
Well, you're about to get physically drained.
Come on, get those balls upstairs.
Oh, but - More wine? - Uh, no, thank you.
I believe we had enough wine at dinner.
What? You only had like two whiskeys.
That's what you have when you go on a jog.
- No, come on.
Get down here.
- Ah! Look, uh Let me see what kind of nips I'm working with.
Sometimes, isn't it sexier just to use our imaginations? No.
I have a terrible imagination.
Most of my dreams are just me picturing myself sleeping.
- It's the worst.
- Oh.
Oh! Mindy, uh Mindy oh, my God! Listen, the truth is, Mindy, I I have I have to go to the bathroom.
Pardon me.
Okay, well, hurry back.
Meanwhile, I will put on some underwear that doesn't have mustard stains on it.
[exhales.]
All right.
Maybe we can do this.
Come on.
Oh, Mindy? I can't seem to find a condom.
We don't need a condom.
I'm on the pill! So unless you have some nasty-ass disease, we're good to go.
[laughs.]
As if! Oh, gross me out! All right.
Okay.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah! This might could work.
Mindy, I'm feeling a little shy about my body tonight.
Could we do it with the lights off? What? No! I want to tell my friends what your body's like.
Okay.
Ow.
Look, if you're here to apologize, don't worry about it.
Sarah's fine.
She calmed down.
Everything's good.
Women, right? No, no, no.
Don't "women, right" me.
Okay, how can you not tell us you're engaged? I text you whenever I meet someone from Staten Island.
Look, the point is, I was gonna call everyone, but I just figured, you know, you guys must be busy.
You know, summer's coming.
It's barbecue season.
Barbecue season? What? Let me in.
Listen, Sarah is great, and I'm happy for you I'm very attracted to her, but I don't know, man.
Aren't you moving a little fast? I mean, you haven't even gotten her pregnant yet.
Isn't that, like, your move? Look, I get that it seems fast, but I got to tell you, Sarah and I are great together.
You know, I mean, we don't fight the way Mindy and I used to.
We don't have make-up sex the way Mindy and I used to.
But I'm in my '40s now.
I don't want a roller coaster.
Okay, I don't even want Mr.
Toad's Wild Ride.
Maybe the monorail that's good enough for me.
I'll just sit there, look out the window.
Watch other people have fun.
Look, the point is that it feels right.
I've moved on.
Okay, I don't think you have moved on.
Because you haven't told the mother of your child you're engaged you have not moved on.
Look, I would die to be at this wedding, all right? And if I'm not there, I'll kill myself.
You got to make a decision right now.
Either you tell her, or I don't go.
Oh, man, you're not gonna be able to make it? Oh! You don't want me there? Is this because at the last three weddings I've been to, I have crashed into the cake? Yes or no? It is! It is, isn't it? Of course it is.
You know what? You're right.
I got to tell Mindy.
Okay, and and she's gonna hear about it anyway.
She might as well hear it from me.
- Yes.
Okay.
- Thank you.
Thank you, I knew you would do the right thing if I shamed you into it, because, you know, that's how you you know, you people do it.
Okay, no, I don't like I don't like that.
All right? I'll tell you what.
She can bring Jody if she wants.
That's so cool, be - Dr.
K.
- Yeah.
I forgot to warn her that he has Chl Mato! - Both: The drink! - The drink.
He's got it.
He's got all this Clamato.
- And she doesn't want it.
- I don't blame her.
Who does want tomato and clams? I mean, just save it for a nice pasta vongole.
Huh? Oh, my God.
What's Chrissy Teigen doing in my apartment? [phone buzzing.]
This has ceased to be productive.
Well Impossible! Lord! In the freezer? Peculiar girl.
Well, old friend, things could get a little chilly tonight.
Ah.
I'm good to go.
Would you mind being on top? 'Cause it's been a long day.
Do you have Chlamydia? Oh.
Well No you do? Oh, my God! I was about to have sex with you! Like, a couple times! I was gonna tell you, I swear.
I'm sorry.
When were you gonna tell me? At work tomorrow? Honestly, Mindy, I I I s I would Ne I liked you, Jody.
Well, I like you too.
Just get out.
Mm - My mouth still works.
- Oh, God.
Get out.
Get out.