Will and Grace s04e25 Episode Script

Ok, you ready? My top three choices for baby names If it's a boy - Caleb, Elijah, and Jonah - Great You have any choices that were popular after Noah built the ark? Ooh, Noah Ok Now, don't worry If you wanna go more modern I also have Louis, Erik, and Sebastian And for girls I've got Vanessa Ursula, and Ariel - They're good, right? - Yeah They're also characters from The Little Mermaid What? I'm surprised you didn't put down Flounder and Scuttle - We're gonna make a baby! - I know! But don't forget what we talked about last night We're not gonna tell anyone about this baby until I'm actually pregnant Well, what about our friends? No.
No Our friends will just make stupid comments and have stupid opinions That's a little unfair Are there any Hobbits left in America? I take it back That's totally fair 'Cause I was up all night thinking about what my new calling in life should be There's been quite a void since I abandoned my acting career I thought your acting career was the void I just need something Like a--like a new direction That way Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (Artificial Insemination - Part1) ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Ok, I'm late for work Look, uh, I made you a nice lunch Don't forget your juice-box for the gym and just lock up after you steal things Hey What's going on with you? What do you mean? You're all pinched and clinched like a man with a secret Nothing, I j-- Well, I do have kind of huge news but I promised Grace I would not tell Come on! What is it?! Please?! I can't Grace is gonna honor her promise and I must do the same You two are having a baby?! Isn't it incredible? Oh, honey, it really is And you know, with everything that's been going on with me lately Stan staying in prison me all alone in a house with 16 servants, most of whom don't even jump anymore when I shoot at their feet Well, your news really gives me something to smile about Karen, it's so good to see you smile Hell, it's good to see you exhibit any human attribute Wow So you and Will are having a baby Ok, now, before you start judging and saying things like "he's gay," and "that's weird," and, "you're so flat that Will's gonna have to breast feed" you should know that we are very serious about this Well, of course you are Breast feed I'm funny Mm-hmm Mm-hmm So, where is this baby going to live? Well, you know in my office, in a file folder Under "O" for offspring Here with us! What do you think? Well, isn't that all cozy One big happy family What's wrong with you? Is this because I'm gay? You feel you failed somehow and now you need to get a new baby and start all over again? I'm gay And you're not my baby It's just--it's just It's just that this new baby is gonna come and he's gonna be cuter than I am and younger than I am and he's gonna have a better job than I do Well, sure But we'll still love you I don't know It all sounds kinda crazy We'll still pay for you - Yay, we're having a baby! - Yeah, I thought so Ok, now, remember, Karen Not a word about Oh John Goodman Yes, Karen John Goodman Also try to avoid the subject of baby Ok Hello Hi, kid How's the wife? Same old, same old I mean, I bust my hump 14 hours a day Is it too much to ask to have dinner waiting for me on the table when I get home? Yeah You should get rid of her I hear she sleeps around Ok, guys Dinner's ready Ooh What? We'll make popcorn later watch "Buffy.
" That's fine No! Don't tell Karen and Grace I told you about the baby The baby I got you Yes, of course - This looks so great! - Beautiful - Gorgeous - Thanks How about a toast? Hmm? To Will and Grace's baby! - Whoo! - Whee! - I can't believe you told her! - I can't believe you told him! He doesn't count he doesn't listen She doesn't count she's always buzzed Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, now! Where are we? I'm sorry, what? Kids Kids Come on, it doesn't matter You two are having a babyand, well We think it's wonderful Thank you I do ask that after you have completed the act of making sweet, sweet love that you get Will a one-way ticket back to Homoville before he gets too comfortable in 'Gina Heights - We are not having sex - Of course not What? Why not? Because we Um, hold on Jack? Totally, yes - Jack.
Elliot? - Oh, yes.
Of course Elliot, yeah Um, listen You can't be here right now We're about to have a very serious conversation that isn't appropriate for a child your age Well, can I listen at the door? Yeah, I think that'll be fine Thank you Guys, nobody will be having any sex Sorry, Grace What?! That better be a joke Well, once upon a time you were attracted to me Yeah, a thousand years ago Before I saw you pluck your eyebrows and go to bed with moisturizing gloves If anything, you're the one who wants to have sex with me What?! I see the way you look at me when I shave my legs Well, that's because it happens so infrequently I have to take a minute to figure out what you're doing Ooh, that was low She should say something about his fat chin Ok.
Ok.
Ok.
Ok Let's stop this Will, I don't want to sleep with you Well, I don't wanna sleep with you, either So I guess we'll be doing what, insemination Works for me Ok, you guys You know, ok Just don't say it so casually, ok? Do you even know what insemination involves? - Of course - Yes, thank you - No, not really - Not exactly - Well, do you know? - Uh, hello?! His own son was the result of insemination So if anyone knows I think I do Elliot! Insemination The guy goes to this lab where he deposits his sperm then the doctor puts it into this machine that spins it around to get the best sample The woman goes to another place where her doctor waits for the sample to arrive from the lab Then the doctor inserts the sample with a syringe, and hopefully, that results in fertilization Wow I know So clinical - So impersonal - I know It sounds perfect Yeah And I don't have to shave my legs You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing It's a miracle, really So complex So beautiful Yow! What is that thing?! God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie Oh, please Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens? It don't Excuse me - Mr.
Truman? - Yes We need to talk about your sperm I knew it It's the Jacuzzi at the gym He boiled them, didn't he? No Actually, it's chowder Thank you You see, Grace? It's chowder - That's good, right? - No It's actual chowder Corn chowder Smells good Peppery Not gonna do you any good What are you-- Oh, my God I grabbed the wrong bag This is Jack's lunch Jack has our baby juice? Look, don't worry I'm sure Jack is smart enough-- I better get down to Barney's right away Hurry Save little Sheila No We talked about that No Sheila Sheila's a whore's name You know, he's right Sheila is kind of whorey don't you think? We haven't met Hi, I'm Sheila I am so sorry I just--I--I Oh, don't apologize I am a whore Terry, you gotta help me I gotta find my calling What do you think my new career should be? Well, what are you looking for? I don't know Something that speaks to my interests, you know? Hot fashion, hot guys hot clothes, hot pants Anything hot Well, uh, how about this job? What are you trying to tell me, huh? That what I've been hungering for this whole time has been right in front of my face? It is right here If it were a snake it would have bit me - Terry, you're a genius! - Thank you If we were both women I'd marry ya Oh, from now on I'm gonna dedicate my whole life to retail But first, I'm gonna have a nice hot cup of soup - Freeze! - What? - Don't! - What? - You've got my sperm - Come again? We must have switched bags this morning Here's your soup and I'll take my-- Tequila - Wait! - What? - Don't! - Why? - You have Will's sperm! - Oh, dear lord! Where?! Ooh! Oh! In this bag Please tell me that you didn't drink your lunch yet Honey, I just got done drinking breakfast You gotta give the liver a little time to digest Oh, thank God Finally, I have what I need to make my baby.
Mop n' Glo Rosario, it's Will! Look, I think your floor wax got mixed up with my Be careful - The floor is very sticky - Oh! Oh! I know I guess were not gonna be able to do this today Oh! I'm so disappointed I was all ready to leggo of my eggo Meet me back at the apartment We'll talk about it All right I'll be there as soon as I can Grace, quit stealing medical supplies and get out of there You don't know me Ah, Smitty I'm having a little hubby trouble How about cheering me up with one of your jokes? I'm afraid I'm not in much of a joking mood You see, my wife died Christmas and I just haven't been myself since Ah, Smitty You always know just what to say You have a very delightful chuckle Oh, thank you They're real, too Lionel Banks Lionel, like the train Banks, like money And you are? Anastasia Beaverhousen Anastasia, like Russian royalty Beaverhousen, like where the beaver live Dynamite What brings you to this lush paradise Miss Beaverhousen? OhI don't know, really Just killing time, I suppose Waiting for something good to happen Interesting I was just doing the same thing Looks like my wait is over Well, well Where did you come from, Lionel? Did the Smooth-Talking Gigolo Convention let out early? Listen, why don't we continue this in my very comfortable suite upstairs? I've got loads of cash so time is no issue Mr.
Banks you think I'm a hooker?! That body, those clothes, that voice? Yes Well As flattered as I am by that I'm afraid I have to disappoint you You don't have sex for money? No, I do not! For jewels, for furs for mixed securities, like a lady! But for money? How dare you?! A thousand apologies I don't suppose there's any way you might forgive me for my highly inappropriate gaffe and allow me to buy you a drink? Well that's very kind of you, Mr.
Banks but I don't think that's such a good idea Is there a problem, my sweet? You're not married, are you? Well, as a matter of fact no, I'm not This is so depressing I was so sure that by the end of the day today I would be with child Instead, I'm just with doughnut Well, you're still ovulating, right? Well, first thing tomorrow we'll go down to the sperm bank we'll start all over again Oh, gosh There's gotta be an easier way to do this I mean, there's what five billion people in the world? I know And Mia Farrow's got like, four billion of 'em If there was only a way to make this all simpler You know? Just cut out the middle man Yeah, I know Feels like there's this obvious solution that's just staring us in the face Oh, Karen, I'm so glad you got Will and Grace this hotel room to consummate their dysfunctional relationship Well, honey, I figured since he's gay and she's a handlebar mustache away from being gay herself A frilly hotel room makes perfect sense How do you figure? Oh, honey I don't care You know, I'm really glad they're doing this Maybe once Will's done with her he can quit comin' after me I swear, sometimes he gives me looks like I haven't seen since I was an altar boy at Saint Margaret's You know, honey I got the same thing with Grace I'm telling you, that girl is running out of excuses to get near my breasts "Karen, pick up that phone.
" "Karen, will you send this fax?" "Karen, get your boobs away from my face.
" Well, I brought something that no straight love-making experience would be complete without A little gay porn Honey, come on Let's get into position Come on! - Oh, here they are! - Oh! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! I haven't had two people cheering me to have sex since I brought a Jewish doctor home for Thanksgiving Oh, honey I'm so excited for you Karen, get your boobs away from my face! Wha--I--What'd I tell you? Ooh! I can't wait! This is gonna be disgusting! Hey, where's the zoom on this thing? I'm gonna need to make everything look bigger - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! - Ooh, I like it! I like it! - Ok - Yeah So, here we are Time to make a baby A baby Baby! So Yeah To be continued