In Living Color (1990) s04e26 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one ofthose funky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin'listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe but some ofthe best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go Sarah, you can send in the next patient now.
- Come on in.
- I'm a little nervous.
Oh, that's perfectly natural, but trust me.
.
.
there's nothing to be worried about, Mr.
Anderson.
- Uh, yeah, my name's Lonnie.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- All right, Lonnie.
Well, just have a seat.
.
.
- and unbutton your shirt for me.
- All right.
Tell me, Lonnie, what do you do for a living? - Well, uh, I'm a fireman.
- Really? Yeah, and I'm a cowboy and an army man.
I was gonna be an astronaut, but no.
I see.
Well then, uh.
.
.
let's just check out your heart.
Mission control, this is the six million dollar man, coming in for a crash landing.
- [Yelling.]
- Mr.
Anderson, please.
How old are you? I'm this many.
- Thirty-six? - And a half.
I'd appreciate it if you would act like it.
Now let me get your temperature.
Okay, I'm ready.
Mr.
Anderson! Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm ready now.
Uh, how about if we take your temperature in your mouth? Okay.
You just keep that in there, and I'm gonna check your reflexes.
- All right.
- [Grunts.]
- What are you doing? - You hit me first.
I have had just about.
.
.
Just give me.
.
.
What is your problem? My winkie hurts when I wee-wee.
I see.
Please, Doctor, could you make my boo-boo feel better? If you don't behave yourself, I'm gonna recommend an amputation.
Now why don't you just go and give me a urine sample.
Okay.
[Yells.]
It hurts! Is that Lonnie? What's wrong with my baby? - Who are you? - I'm Lonnie's grandmother.
That figures.
Ooh, pee-pee.
Ooh.
His winkie hurts when he goes wee-wee.
Now, Lonnie, what did I tell you? What is Grandma's number one rule? Uh, never touch a girl, not even after Grandma's dead.
That's right.
'Cause none of them's good enough for my little darling baby.
- That's right, Grandma.
- How touching.
- Now I'm gonna have to give you a shot.
- No shots! Grandma, don't let her shoot me! [Making Karate Noises.]
Grandma, please.
All right, fine.
You can take this orally.
- Here.
Yes.
- Mm-mm.
- Come on.
- [Gagging.]
All right, you deal with him.
Here is his prescription.
All right.
Don't you worry, Doctor.
Come on, Lonnie, let's go home.
- I don't wanna go.
- Come on.
Grandma.
.
.
Grandma, I don't wanna go.
- Grandma! - Stop it! Now look.
I'll let you drive.
Okay.
Hey, man, I'm really happy for you.
Look.
I know you're feeling pretty good.
I'm glad you turned this corner in your life, but just do me a favor.
.
.
and take it easy and don't overdo it tonight.
Gotcha.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm gay.
Okay.
Yep, I'm gay, and I'm proud of it.
- I have nothing to be ashamed of.
- Uh, that's great.
Are you gay? [Chuckles.]
No, uh-uh.
- [Clears Throat.]
Really? - Yeah, really, I'm not.
- If you were, I'd kiss you.
- Hey, well, I'm not.
Yep, slow, deep and passionate.
I'm completely gay.
Would you like an hors d'oeuvre, sir? Why not? Gay people have to eat too.
- I'm gay, and so I eat.
- Okay.
Mmm, that really pleases my homosexual palate.
Um, well, if you'd like a drink, they're at the bar.
Okay? All righty then.
Diet soda, please.
A little diet soda for the man who likes men.
Here you go.
Don't you mean, "Here you go, sissy boy"? [Chuckles.]
No.
All right then.
Excuse me, ladies.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm not attracted to you physically.
.
.
so please don't try to pick me up tonight.
Well, we weren't planning on it.
Oh, great.
Because as far as I'm concerned.
.
.
those things on your chest might as well be ears.
Hello! You know, everyone should know about this.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Gather round, everyone.
In case some of you haven't heard.
.
.
- I'm gay.
- Oh, God, man.
And if you have any questions or would like to discuss fashion.
.
.
movie reviews or just get a darn perm.
.
.
feel free to just come by.
Hi.
How are you? I'm gay, you know.
Really? I'm gay too.
What's your name? Whoa, Jesus! Man! That is where I draw the line, you know? I mean, what am I, a piece of meat? Man, some people are so brazen.
I mean, I've heard of shameless queens before, but you take the cake, lady.
Look, look, look, I didn't mean anything by it.
I was just trying to be friendly.
Friendly is one thing.
Plotting a hostile takeover is another.
Did you see what he did to me? Huh? Did you see him attack me? Yeah, I mean, what am I putting out, some kind of vibe.
.
.
that says, "Use me, defile me.
" I think I'd better go home.
Let me call a taxi.
Hello, Pink Wheels.
I'd like a car, please.
- [Man.]
Are you gay? - I certainly am.
But not to an insane degree.
- We'll be right over.
- Fine.
I'll be waiting outside.
I have to leave now.
Excuse me.
Freak! [Man Rapping.]
[Rap Continues.]
Honey, this is so wonderful.
I have never known anyone like you.
Oh, Bert, don't be silly.
No, I mean it.
Honey, uh, there's something I wanna ask you.
- Yes? - Well, uh, would you.
.
.
Oh, my God, it's Snookie.
Let's leave.
Hey, who there said Snook? Somebody call my name? Who dat? Mm-mm-mm.
Lydia, Lydia, Lydia.
Now listen here, girl.
I know it's been a long time, but it ain't been that long.
Don't be acting like you don't see me.
Oh, Snookie.
What a pleasant surprise.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Who's this you got here with you this week? Who is this, Mark, Steve, Ronny? Mm-hmm.
Bobby or Ricky Mark? Mm-hmm.
I know you ain't Larry.
He's in jail.
Mm-hmm.
For trying to kill you, if I remember correct.
Listen here, girl.
Listen here.
You go sleeping with a man's best friend in his own bed.
.
.
- he's bound to go off like that.
- Snookie! - Uh, I'm Bert.
- Mm-hmm.
How'd you do? How'd you do? Well, it was nice seeing you, Snookie.
I'm sorry you can't join us.
The hell I can't.
[Laughs.]
Look here.
Come on, come on, slide over, slide over.
If I'm gonna fit up in here, slide over.
Wait, wait, this is a table for two.
Ooh, now look it here.
Mm-mm-mm.
You're kinda cute.
[Chuckles.]
Now listen.
Me myself, I'm with a white man.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, lfigure somebody's gotta do him.
.
.
might as well be Snookie.
[Laughs.]
Ooh, that's a cute watch you got on.
How much money you got? - Snookie, please.
- That is private.
And we're having a private dinner here, so please.
That means you got.
.
.
you just broke.
Ain't got no money.
- That's what that means.
- Excuse me.
Are you ready to order? - Yes, I am.
Uh, you.
- I am ready.
Well, I ain't.
Where the hell's the menu? Let me see what you got.
I just want me something good up in here.
Hmm.
No, y'all, come here.
- Y'all got any chitlins? - No, ma'am.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it don't matter.
'Cause Snookie don't eat just anybody's chitlins.
You know, you gotta know how to clean 'em.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
Here.
Listen here.
What's this you eating back here, baby? What's that? Is that chicken? It's Peking duck with a light lemon sauce.
Well, let me ask you something.
Let me ask you something.
Does it come with these fries? Mm-hmm.
Or do I have to order them separately? Are they crispy or soggy? Mm-hmm.
That's all right, baby, 'cause I don't like mine either way.
I like mine burnt.
You understand what I'm saying? You got any ket.
.
.
Y'all ain't got no ket.
.
.
Hey, listen here.
Let me borrow some of y'all ketchup over here.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm, I don't like that.
That's not good.
I want me something that tastes good, y'all.
Waiter! [Indistinct Yelling.]
Snookie, we're trying to have a quiet dinner alone.
Alone? Well, now I didn't know you knew what that word meant.
- Wait, wait.
What are you talking about? - Pay no attention to her.
I'm talking about all the men.
Mm-hmm.
Listen here, boy.
Come here.
Come here.
Get me some real food out here, boy, before I have to get ignorant.
Wait a second.
Wait a second here.
Men? What men? Wait a minute.
You mean to tell me you didn't tell him? - Tell me what? - Well, she's a ho.
Snookie, shut up! Mm-hmm.
Now listen.
Now you know.
.
.
you know that ain't no way for no mother to be talking.
- Mother? Lydia, you got a kid? - [Gasping.]
A kid? [Laughs.]
Child, she got a litter.
[Laughs.]
Listen here.
But you ain't got nothing to worry about.
.
.
'cause she's sterile now.
Mm-hmm.
Happens when you don't treat them social diseases.
Mm-hmm.
And Lord knows she's been social.
- Uh, yeah, look here.
I'm outta here.
- Bert, wait for me.
- Oh, Snookie! - Now.
Who's a woman gotta sleep with to get some service around here? [Hip-hop.]
[Ends.]
[Severe Lisp.]
Hello, new recruits.
You might remember me from the Rodney King proceedings.
As a police officer, my oath is to provide service and safety.
.
.
to the solid citizens of the city.
Well, mine is, "Say it, don't spray it.
" Oh, a smart-ass.
Well, if I had nine of L.
A.
's finest holding Taser guns.
.
.
and wielding billy clubs behind me, I'd fight you right now.
But I'm kinda busy.
So, who's here today? You must be Steven Simmons.
And you, you'd be Stan Smith.
And I take it you're Sissy Spacek from Sarasota Springs.
- [Laughs.]
- Hey, who's been messing with my list? - Was it you, Mr.
Prankster? - No, sir! What's the matter, sassafras? Are you scared? Are you frightened? Are you nervous? You're sweating like a suckling sow on a sizzling spit! And what are you smirking at, smarty-pants? Hmm? Ladies and gentlemen, you have to be very tough to be a police officer.
Okay, pantywaist.
.
.
take a shot at your old sarge.
That's a good one.
Now let me try.
This brings us to lesson number one.
.
.
Get to know your weapon.
But don't ever use it recklessly.
- Can you say "recklessly"? - [All Imitating Lisp.]
Recklessly.
Excellent.
Lesson number two: Police officers have to remember.
.
.
events exactly as they happen.
This is a suspect.
And this is a can of mace.
[Screams.]
Now, what did you see? - You used excessive force.
- No, this is excessive force.
[Screams.]
- Now, what did you see? - Police brutality.
I think somebody needs to get their eyes checked.
Vision's getting a little blurry, isn't it? Read the bottom line! And what did you see, son? Uh, yeah, it looked like he was on P.
C.
P.
, then he attacked you, right? And you were just acting like you were supposed to.
Hey, kid, are you registered for jury duty? Incidentally, remember that word.
.
.
[Kicks Recruit.]
P.
C.
P.
It stands for "pounds crook persistently.
" Can you say "persistently"? [All.]
Persistently.
Sounds like we're in sync.
Now for lesson number three.
You must identify the enemy instantly.
That's why we set up this simulation.
Curtain! Say you're in a seedy part of the city.
.
.
when you stumble upon several silly suspects.
.
.
secretly slipping across the street.
As a police officer, you must make split-second decisions.
.
.
separating the innocent from the despicable.
Ready on the right.
Ready on the left.
Ready on the firing line.
All right, students, select the most dangerous suspect.
No, no, no, he's no threat.
Hold your fire.
- What about him? - Not this time.
Believe me, there's a much bigger threat to the men in blue.
That's him.
Kill the bastard with the video camera.
- [Gunfire.]
- Get him! Shooting like this, you're not gonna survive.
Hold your fire.
Take him out and you can waste everybody else at your own leisure.
Congratulations, students, you've passed the course.
But now it's time to recite the policeman's oath.
Now raise your right hand.
.
.
and repeat after me.
- L.
.
.
- l.
.
.
- State your name.
- State your name.
Promise to support the system.
.
.
and successfully strip suspicious suspects with excessive force.
[All.]
Promise to support the system and successfully strip suspicious suspects.
.
.
Suffering succotash.
- [All.]
Suffering succotash.
- Hey, what's this? What do you think you're doing? You think you can just come in here.
.
.
and film police officers training? Is that it? This is top secret, mister.
I'm gonna have to give you a little warning.
Yeah.
Please welcome East West recording artists Da Youngsters.
Ow.
[Laughs.]
They're doing their new single produced by Naughty By Nature, "Crewz Pop.
" [Indistinct Yelling.]
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