The Honeymooners (1955) s04e26 Episode Script

With the stars and Hiya, hon.
Hi, Ralph.
What are you doing? Well, you know how, for the past year, you've been promising me you'd clean out the bedroom closet? Yeah.
Well, I'm keeping your promise.
Sorry.
If I knew there was such a rush about it, I'd have taken care of it right away.
What are you gonna do with all this stuff? I'm gonna take it down to the cellar.
You don't have to do that, sweetie.
I'll take it down.
All right, Ralph.
I'll finish up in here.
All right.
Hey there.
Hey there, Ralphie Boy.
I thought you were gonna meet me this afternoon and have lunch with me.
Oh, I couldn't make it, Ralph.
I'm sorry, I I had to be down there at city hall there.
I had to fill out an application so I could take one of those civil service examinations for a new job.
A new job?! But you got a job in the sewer.
I know, I know, I know.
You're like a lot of people.
They all say to me you got a very good job in the sewer.
You know, they think just because my job is unusual, you know, that it's glamorous and exciting.
Well, that ain't true.
You ask any sewer worker: "All that glitters is not gold.
" What kind of a job are you trying out for? Sewer inspector.
Well, good luck.
Good luck-- oh, I think I'm gonna need it.
Listen, when I was down there, I noticed a lot of civil service jobs open and there was one in particular that would fit you to a tee.
Just right in your alley.
Senior clerk in transit authority.
so you could fill it out.
Good pay, easy hours, steady advancement-- in no time, you could be boss of the whole company.
Nah, they probably want a businessman.
You know, a guy that can run an organization.
Here.
Well, you could try it, couldn't you? What's the sense of trying? I wouldn't make it.
Here, open that door.
I gotta take this stuff down to the cellar.
Wait a minute, Ralph.
These go out, too.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing? You're not throwing out my cornet, are you? Well, why not, Ralph? You never play it anymore.
It's just gathering dust.
What's that got to do with it? There's a lot of tender memories attached to that cornet.
My father gave it to me.
I grew up with it.
It's part of my youth.
Oh, Ralph, you act as if I was throwing out your pool cue.
I don't care, Alice.
I want to keep it.
Will you be sensible, Ralph? You don't play it anymore.
That's got nothing to do with it! I want to keep it! All right, Ralph.
You haven't touched it in years.
I want to keep it.
He's right, Alice.
He hasn't touched his toes in years either.
He still wants to keep them.
Would you do me a favor and stay out of this? ( Ed claps hands ) ( chuckling ): Boy Give us a little tune there.
Work out a little rock and roll there.
Well, I don't know how the old lip is, but I'll take a crack at it.
( Ed chuckles ) Stand back, Ed.
This is liable to be messy.
You're liable to be messy in about five seconds! ( no note plays ) Not so loud, Ralph.
You'll disturb the neighbors.
Uh maybe this is one of those high frequency cornets that only dogs can hear.
What is a sock doing in my cornet? Must be one of the tender memories that's attached to it.
All right, now keep quiet, everybody, and I'll play a little tune.
Rip it outta there.
I don't know if I still remember that song I used to play.
Got the music right here.
( haltingly playing melody ) ( playing off-key notes ) ( blurts high note ) Whoa! I could never hit that high note.
You know something? I liked it better with a sock in it.
I'd like you a little better with a sock in you.
Hey, uh, hand it over.
Give me a try at it.
You play the cornet? No, I don't.
I never tried, but let's have it.
Are you crazy? Gabriel, would you mind getting the clothes down to the cellar? I'd like to set the table.
Do me a favor, will you, Norton? Will you take that stuff down to the cellar? I want to fool around with this.
You gonna play that song again? Yeah.
I'll be very happy to take this stuff down.
Wise guy.
He certainly is.
You know something? I made a big mistake by not taking lessons on this thing right straight through.
I might've been a big musician today.
My own orchestra.
Maybe another Harry James.
Ah, that's the story of my life.
I could always make great starts but I never finished.
Never finished anything.
Could never hit the high note on anything I tried.
You know, one time, my uncle wanted to make me an architect.
You know, I was very good at, uh designing things and building things.
Gave me some free instruction.
Then the Charleston come out.
I quit architecture to take a couple of dancing lessons.
Never stuck with anything.
Never hit the high note.
I might have been the guy that built the Empire State Building, if I had stuck at that.
( knock on door ) Come in.
Excuse me, uh my name is Gunther.
This is Mrs.
Gunther.
Yes? We're, uh We're sorry to intrude, but I wonder if we could ask a favor of you.
What is it? Well maybe you'll think this is silly, but, uh You see, we used to live in this apartment.
You used to live here? Yes, many years ago.
Yeah, this was our first home after we were married.
How about that, Alice? They used to live here.
How nice.
Well, what can we do for you? I'm afraid you'll think us terribly sentimental but this is our 40th wedding anniversary and we wondered if we could take a look about the place.
Your anniversary, huh? Yes.
How about that? You lived here Oh, August! The place hasn't changed a bit.
August! August Gunther! You're not the August Gunther that makes the doughnuts, are you? I am.
Are you that guy? ( chuckling ): Yes.
They're my favorite doughnuts.
I eat 'em all the time.
I'm glad you like my product, Mr.
Kramden.
Well, dear, have you seen enough? I suppose this place must have a lot of memories for you.
Oh, yes.
We were very happy here.
Would you like to see the other room? May I? Of course.
Is the view from the back still blocked by that laundry? Oh, no.
They tore that laundry down.
Now you can see the kitchen of the Chinese restaurant.
I envy you, Mr.
Kramden.
You're young.
Life and opportunity lie before you.
Oh, things may look a little bit difficult now, but when you've moved on to higher things, you look back and you realize that you enjoyed every moment of the struggle.
Say, tell me something.
How did you become a success? Would you tell me? Well, gladly! One day-- well, it was in this very room, as a matter of fact-- I decided that I was going to be a success and I said nothing is going to stand in my way.
Right here in this room, huh? Yeah.
Well, I knew that to be a success a man had to have certain qualities.
So, I took stock of myself.
I made a list of, uh of my weaknesses and my strong points.
And then I concentrated on eliminating the weaknesses and building up the strong points, making them stronger.
And from that moment, Mr.
Kramden, I have never let an opportunity get away from me.
You did that right in this room, huh? Yeah.
Took stock of yourself.
Yeah.
Made a list of all your faults and you never made a mistake again.
Well, I did make one mistake.
I loaned my brother-in-law money to go into business.
What kind of business was he in? The doughnut business.
Oh! Oh, oh Thank you very much, my dear.
And thank you, too, Mr.
Kramden.
You're very welcome, Mrs.
Gunther.
You've been very kind.
Thank you.
Well, shall we go now, dear? Yes.
Well, nice to have seen you.
Oh, thank you.
Happy anniversary.
Yes, happy anniversary to you both.
Oh, thank you very much.
You've been very kind to us.
Perfectly all right.
Good day to you.
Bye-bye.
MR.
GUNTHER: Bye.
Gee, aren't they a sweet couple, Ralph.
Is this a private parade or can anybody march in it? Alice I am gonna be a success.
You are?! I know I said it before, but this time I really mean it.
Now I know why I haven't been a success up to now.
Now I know.
That Mr.
Gunther opened my eyes.
It's my fault that I haven't been a success; my fault.
But things are gonna be different from here on in.
Things are gonna be much different.
I'm gonna take stock of myself.
I'm going to list my mistakes and my strong points.
Oh, Ralph, what's happened to you? I've never seen you like this before.
There you are.
The change is taking place already.
Even you're amazed.
I'm going after success.
I'm not gonna wait until it hits me.
I'm going out and grab it.
This application that Norton brought in-- a job.
A job as senior clerk.
That's me.
I'm gonna take that job.
I'm gonna pass this test.
And I'm going up.
I'm going to work hard and I'm going up.
Up, up, up! I'm going to hit that high note, Alice.
( playing melody ) ( high note screeches ) Don't worry, I'll hit it.
I'll hit it! Where are you going with that? I'm just going to put it in the drawer, Ralph, where it'll be out of the way.
Put it right back where you found it.
I want it around as a constant reminder that I gotta hit the high note.
All right, Ralph.
Anything you say.
If this cornet'll make you do what you say you're going to do, I'll wear it around my neck.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
This time I'm not gonna fail.
Look, I got a line down the center of the paper.
On this side, I'm gonna list all my weak points, and on the right side, I'll list all my strong points.
Now, for instance, what are one of my weak points? Well, you were late for work twice last week.
Very good.
Oversleeping.
Now what other weak point have I got besides sleeping too much? You snore.
Snoring.
Hey, uh Alice you gonna play Mah Jongg or aren't you? Trixie and the girls are waiting there, up there, for you.
Oh, yeah, I'm going right up, Ed.
I'm sorry, Ralph, about the snoring.
I was only joking.
Oh, that's okay, sweetie.
What are you doing there, Ralphie Boy? I'm making a list of all my weak points.
Ah.
Is that all the paper you're going to use? Ordinarily, the old Ralph Kramden would've got steamed at that remark and probably put you out.
But this is the new Ralph Kramden, and temper has no place in his nature.
Now, if you wanna be quiet, you can sit down.
Just leave me alone, I'm hard at work.
You won't even know I'm here.
( whistles two notes ) Will you stop that?! You know This is important to me.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
Uh while you're doing that, you want me to polish up the old cornet? Do anything you want, just as long as you be quiet.
All righty.
Where do you keep the cornet polish? I haven't got any cornet polish.
Use something else to polish it.
All right.
As my granddaddy used to say, "There's always hope when you got water and soap.
" ( pan clatters ) ( whistling ) Happy New Year! ( whistling ) Oh, I tell you, this ought to blow like a bell now, huh? ( plays reveille ) Come on! I'm trying to rearrange my life and you're blowing a bugle.
All right, I apologize.
I'm sorry.
I know what you're going through.
Why don't you let me list down your bad points? Why should I let you list 'em? Because I can be more honest.
It's more impersonal.
A person don't look at himself like others see him.
You remember Dickens? Maybe you're right about that.
All right, let's try it.
Here.
You list my bad points, and I'll work on my good points.
All right.
You list the good points, I'll list the bad points.
All right.
Oh, you're gonna get it, Norton! You're gonna get it! All right, all right, all right! "Bad points: "One: Rotten pool player.
"Two: Rotten bowler.
"Three: Rotten cornet player.
"Four: Can't speak French.
"Five: Doesn't pay his debts.
" What do you mean I don't pay my debts? Just what I said.
You owed me two dollars for the last month.
All right, Norton, there's your two dollars.
Now scratch out "Doesn't pay his debts.
" ( laughs ) I knew it'd work.
( laughing ) All right, that's about all of that.
Let me see what you wrote.
You're not supposed to put anything stupid down, like I don't speak French.
This is important to me.
I know it's important.
I know.
Let me see what you wrote down.
Your good points.
I haven't put anything down yet.
You haven't, huh? I got so many good points, I don't know where to start.
Here I'll put down your good points.
Ralph Kramden's good points.
Go ahead and finish.
I'm finished.
You're finished? How can you finish? When you were writing down my mistakes, it took you a half hour.
Now it takes you five seconds "Ralph Kramden, the sweetest guy in the world.
" That's a that's a very nice compliment, Norton.
I appreciate that.
Well, now maybe you realize that I'm all for you.
I'm sorry if I was a little loud with you.
You see this is pretty important to me this time, Norton, I I don't want to fail.
I want to make a success of myself.
I want to hit that high note.
I know that.
I want you to take the test for senior clerk in the transit authority and I want you to pass it and I'm gonna be proud of you.
I'm gonna be proud of you too, Norton.
Because you're gonna pass that test.
And when people ask me what my best friend does for a living, I'll be proud to say that he's a sewer inspector.
Boy, I'm telling you.
Hey, wouldn't it be something there, if both of us got these jobs? You'd be the senior clerk in transit authority, I'd be the sewer inspector.
Boy, I'm telling you, we'd have the city running like clockwork.
You up above there, running things, and making things move along, and me down below there making things move along.
( both laughing ) Hi, Alice.
Oh, hiya, Trix.
Alice, I got these eggs that you wanted, but I wasn't able to get the civil service newspaper.
Doesn't come out until 6:00.
Oh, dear.
Well, we've waited a week.
I guess we can wait another 20 minutes.
Yeah.
But I'm dying to find out if Ralph and Ed passed the test for their new jobs.
Oh, I know.
I just chewed up my last fingernail.
Well, Ralph will be sure to bring one home.
Yeah.
Alice, how come you wanted just those eggs? You and Ralph going out to dinner tonight? No, Ralph's gonna shop for dinner on his way home from work.
Ralph shopping for dinner? How come? Well, he's correcting fault number, uh "18: Treats wife like workhorse.
" ( groans ) You know, he even washed the dishes last night.
( gasps ) Honestly, Trixie, the new Ralph Kramden's got a surprise for me every minute.
Oh! Would you believe it, Trixie-- this morning, he insisted on making the beds before he went to work.
Gee, that's wonderful! What's wonderful? He got me up at 5:30 so he could make 'em.
Oh, I see.
Hiya, hon.
Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Hiya, Trix.
Hi, Ralph.
Did you get the civil service newspaper? No, it hasn't come out yet.
I'll get it right after dinner.
What are you worried about? I passed the test.
Hey, you look pretty sharp tonight, Trixie.
Oh! I was at the beauty parlor this afternoon.
Yeah, I can tell; they did a good dye job on your hair.
( clears throat ) Looks real natural.
Yeah.
I'll see you later, Alice.
All right, Trix.
What's the matter with her? Nothing, Ralph.
She's just not used to your compliments.
You know, I've been finding that out all day.
That's my new technique, you know.
I compliment everybody I meet.
That's to enhance the value of my good point.
You know, "the sweetest guy in the world.
" Oh, by the way, I corrected another fault today.
You did? Which one? Number 22, uh Let's see "Argues too much.
" For instance, I was down at the depot and Joe Cassidy is talking to a bunch of the guys.
So he says the population of New York City is nine million people.
Well, I know that it's seven million people but did I argue with him? No.
Instead, I just looked him right in the face and I said, "Oh, yeah?" And I walked away from him.
You should see how foolish he looked standing there.
Ralph, there are nine million people in New York.
Are you crazy or something? It-- Oh, yeah? What's that for? For being so sweet and for trying so hard.
I'm proud of you, Ralph.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I'm glad you're proud of me because I'm gonna be a success, honey.
I'm gonna make it this time.
I know you are.
I certainly hope you passed that test, Ralph.
and I hope Norton passed his, too.
Well, I I'm not worried about me passing it, but I'm not too sure of Norton.
Not if he's gonna answer all the questions like he told me he answered one of the questions they gave him.
Well, what do you mean? Well, it was one of those questions where you have a choice of what you want to answer, you know.
It said if, uh, "If you were heating your own home, "and oil was 12 cents a gallon and it went up seven percent, "and coal, at the same time, was $14 a ton, "and that went up nine percent, well, what would you do?" What do you think Norton says? "Pack up and move to Florida.
" I'm going in and wash up.
I'll be out in a minute.
All right, Ralph.
I'll get the table ready.
Oh! Hi, Ed.
Uh, hello.
Oh! You got the paper! Yeah.
Read it and weep.
Ed, you didn't pass the test for sewer inspector.
No, I washed out.
Oh, I am sorry, Ed.
But what about Ralph? What about Ralph? That's a silly question.
Think I look this sad just for myself alone, you think? Oh, Ed, this is terrible.
Hiya, Norton.
What's the matter with you two? What do you got behind your back? I didn't pass the test, huh? Failed again.
Well, I Ralph, I guess you and me is just a couple of hangnails on the fickle finger of fate.
Ralph Don't say anything.
Don't say anything, Alice.
I know how you feel.
You know how I feel.
Boy, what a mook I am.
I'm gonna make good.
I'm gonna list all my weak points and I'm gonna list all my strong points and I'm gonna be a success.
Not gonna be a failure anymore.
( wry laugh ) Boy, that's a laugh.
No, it's not a laugh.
The new Ralph Kramden is a wonderful man.
And what he's done in the past few weeks, Ralph, isn't foolish and it isn't a lot of malarkey and I'm not gonna let you tear him down just 'cause you had one disappointment.
Don't you see, Ralph? You can't win the very first time.
You gotta keep trying and trying.
So you didn't pass the test the first time.
There's always next year and the year after.
I like the new Ralph Kramden and I'm not gonna let you give up.
And if the old Ralph Kramden ever shows his face around here again, I am gonna hit him right on top of the head with this cornet.
You know something? I did hit that high note once: The day I married you.
( playing melody ) ( blurts high note ) Well, that's a little piece of it, Alice.