The Mindy Project s04e26 Episode Script
Homewrecker
1 [lilting music.]
Okay.
Mindy Mindy, I'm getting married.
Let me try that again.
Someone likes me, and, uh, so I'm gonna get hitched.
Dan the Man is yeah.
I'm not gonna do the Dan the Man.
That's stupid.
I'll just cut the Dan the Man.
Just go int I got it.
Mindy, this here is a, uh a wedding invitation for you.
So stupid.
I'm cool.
Pull yourself together.
I'm good.
[Leo babbles.]
You good? I'll just wing it.
All right, let's do it.
[knocks on door.]
Hey.
Hi, sweetie! You're ten minutes early, which is late for you.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, I just wanted - to talk to you about something.
- Okay.
Wait, you don't need money, do you? Now is not a good time.
I fell asleep on my keyboard.
I bought everything on iTunes.
No, it's not that.
It is pretty serious though.
Okay, I need to tell you that I'm getting [exhales.]
I'm I'm getting You can tell me.
I'm getting fed up with this mess.
This this mess all over your apartment.
It's your clothes strewn a Look at this.
I'm standing on a brassiere? I mean, come on.
I don't like it.
I don't like it for Leo.
I know.
It's a disaster.
You're right.
I am? [sighs.]
I wanna blame it on how much I'm working, but you know what? We have the same job, and your toilet is cleaner than my whole kitchen.
Last night, at bedtime, I was looking for one of Leo's books, couldn't find them, so I just read him the nutrition facts on the back of some Bagel Bites.
- Bagel Bites? - Can you believe that? - Oh, no, no, don no, don't - [sobbing.]
No don't don't get worked up.
Your blood pressures real bad.
Take a deep breath.
I'm an unfit mother.
No, it's not that bad.
Look, I think this could be good for him.
Good for his immune system.
He doesn't need to go to the park and roll around in the dirt.
He'll do it right here, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah, everything's good.
Forget I said anything, all right? I gotta go.
I got a meeting.
Good talk.
Great talk, yeah.
I'm, uh I'm gonna go.
Okay? All right.
[soft music.]
[sighs.]
[hip-hop music.]
[Enrique Iglesias "Bailando" playing over laptop.]
[singing in Spanish.]
Yeah.
- Yes.
- Oh, my God, you guys.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna have so much fun - this weekend in Miami.
- I can't wait to get down with some Cuban guy and just feel that gold crucifix - just banging me in the chin.
- Mm, yes.
Ooh, that was vivid.
I like that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, mm.
- [sighs.]
I need to get away from Jody.
He just keeps leaving me these annoying apology gifts.
Yesterday, he left me this.
- Hmm.
- The note says: "If it will help you forgive me, you can shoot me in the leg.
" Guys, the worst part is, I kind of liked him, you know? I thought that maybe we would actually have something.
- All right.
- Okay.
- What? - I think maybe we just put the gun down when we tell the story.
- Just in - It's not loaded.
- Oh, it is loaded.
- Let's just put it back.
Mindy, just forget Jody, and by this time tomorrow, we're gonna have, like, ten gallons of mojitos in us - Ooh-la-la.
- Yeah.
Hey, you're sober though, right? - So you shouldn't be drinking.
- I'm sober, but from drugs, which means that I have to drink twice as much now.
- [knocks on door.]
- I get that.
- [laughs.]
- I didn't know that.
- Mindy? - Ugh.
Oh, I didn't realize you had company.
Um, would you mind giving us a moment, please? Stay away, Mr.
Chlamydia.
Yeah, I don't want to get chlamydia till I am in Miami.
I don't have chlamydia anymore.
It's part of what I wanted to tell you, Mindy.
If you'll just give me 30 minutes of your time, I'd like to make a formal apology.
[clears throat.]
"Mindy, when in the course - of romantic events" - Hey, man, I ain't got no time for no 30 minute apology speech.
Maybe when I come back in a couple days, and I'm tanned, braided, and I'm engaged to Ricky Martin - Yeah.
- Or his husband.
- That's right.
- Get it.
- [laughing.]
- Up here.
That's what's up.
Tamra, we've discussed the dress code.
What? I'm wearing scrubs.
Yeah, but you cut the belly off.
Now you're 20% nude.
Don't you think that I would love to cut the arms off my lab coat to create a trendy knee-length vest? Of course I would, but I don't.
Because we must hide our true selves at work.
[alarm blaring.]
Oh, my God, the fire alarm! Tamra, stay calm! - Everybody, stay calm! - I've got this! Volunteer firefighter to the rescue! [yelling.]
- Oh, God! - Whoo! Okay, people, we need a safety meeting.
What we have is a classic contact fire.
This garment rack came in contact with this hot pipe.
So, in layman's terms, what that means - Oh, don't Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, God, my beautiful clothes.
- [cries.]
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I was saving that dress for the funeral of an enemy.
That's who did this.
Kelly Ripa.
- No, no, no, no, no, no - Kelly Ripa did it.
Mindy, you can't be leaving your personal rubbish at work anymore.
It's becoming hazardous.
My closet is now a nursery for my son, so I have no place to keep my clothes.
Leave your possessions at home.
My apartment is bursting with Lady Di memorabilia.
Do you see me waltzing around here in a tiara? [quietly.]
No.
Oh, God.
Okay, fine.
- I'll figure something out.
- Okay.
Shh, it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay.
Can I keep the burned clothes, Dr.
L? No, they're too nice for you.
Fine, but can I cut off my scubs top like Tamra? Fashion is going to destroy this office.
[mischievous music.]
- [sighs.]
- Hey, Dr.
L.
Leo's preschool just called for you, and it sounded pretty important.
Bleecker Friends Quaker School for Pre-Toddlers? He got suspended or he's wearing suspenders.
I didn't write it down 'cause my memory's so good.
You know what? He's so hot, he probably hooked up with one of the teachers.
Excuse me.
Ah, Morgan, I need you to do me a small favor.
Yeah, I'll do jury duty for you.
- Let me go get my wig.
- No, nothing like that.
I'd like to borrow the key to Mindy's apartment.
I wanna leave her a surprise while she's away in Miami.
- No way, bub.
- Oh She almost took the key away when I hosted a small dog wedding there.
A gay dog wedding.
- Look at that.
- Uh-huh.
Well, I would like to build her a walk-in closet.
Yeah, well, she needs one.
She's been keeping all of her accessories in here.
I mean, Brian looks like frigging Jack Sparrow.
So you'll help me then, Morgan? Yeah, all right, I'll do it, but if she gets mad I'm take the fall for you - 'cause I love you.
- Thank you.
- Come on, let's go.
- Oh.
I was go I was gonna give you five and it let's go, let's go, let's go.
Dr.
Lahiri, Dr.
Castellano, your son has been suspended for a violent outburst on the playground.
Leo bit some girl in the arm.
Oh, no, that's not possible.
Our son is a sweet little angel.
I mean, he's even friends with that little nerdy kid with glasses even though I told him not to be.
Here's a photo of the victim.
Okay, well oh, my God.
Oh, God, that's bad.
Put it back.
Okay, couple things: She's wearing a cupcake onesie.
She looks delicious.
I mean, I would have bitten her.
It brought me no joy to put your son in baby cuffs and hand him to your nanny, but we take violence very seriously at this school.
It goes against everything our Quaker founder, Brother Jub Smith, stood for or sat for.
He donated his own legs to a man who had none.
In fact, this building is the location of Manhattan's first electric elevator.
Hey, man, I gotta catch a flight to Miami, so if you could maybe tell us this sad-ass elevator story another time, - that would be great.
- Okay, well, look, can we possibly just discipline Leo at home? Like, no "Dora" for a week? Which would be hard for me too.
I mean, that's a very cute show.
When a child lashes out, it's a sign that there is trouble at home.
- Not in this case.
- Well, might be in this case.
The little guy's been going through a lot.
His mom's get a very hectic work schedule.
Exsqueeze me? We have the same job.
If anything, I think my son's biting because he inherited an anger problem - from his father.
- What? - What am I angry about? - I don't know.
Your mom, your dad, me leaving you, your guilt-based religion, doping in baseball, - Mayor de Blasio - All these teens just smoking dope right out in public? I never saw that under Giuliani.
Did you? Look, Leo's mom and I were together for awhile, and I gotta tell you she's the biter.
How dare you.
I bit you in confidence, and you loved it.
You begged for it.
Oh, and you don't bite? Why don't you tell it to my nipples.
I'm not gonna talk to your nip why are we talking about your nipples right now? I'll tell you something.
We don't have the same job, Mindy.
Okay? I do one job.
You do 18 jobs.
That's right.
I forgot.
Because this is Afghanistan, and a woman is not permitted to have ambition.
Right, it's Afghanistan.
I'm just a human fricking pacifier.
Mindy's in Florida so we have the whole weekend.
Now, the first thing we're gonna do is get rid of this stupid spiraled-stair bookcase thing, and then we're gonna put a walk-in closet right here.
We can do that in a weekend, right Collette? I guess.
I kinda had other plans than to spend my weekend building my older brother's non-girlfriend an apology closet.
Shame on you.
Dr.
L will be coming back from vacation, and if she doesn't have a gift waiting for her, she could have the post-vacation blues.
Come on now, it'll be a snap.
How long can it take to wall off one room? It only took father one night to board mother up in the attic.
This whole thing seems a little weird.
Well, if people were always worried about what seemed weird, we'd never know how delicious pigs' feet were, would we? Okay.
Morgan, why don't you start by unscrewing the staircase from the ceiling, please.
You got it, boss.
Hey, I got a little bit of, uh, vertigo from both sides of the family, but I think it's gonna be okay.
- Yeah - Lefty loose-y.
All right, you're doing excellent work up there, Morgan.
Ah, thank you for the encouragement, Dr.
K.
- Are you okay? - Why'd I look down? - Uh-oh.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- [grunts.]
- both: Oh! - Morgan, Morgan! Oh, my God, are you okay? I think the vertigo is gone.
[exhales sharply.]
[upbeat music.]
Oh, dear.
Why would you think it was a good idea to talk about our sex life at a Quaker school? Because sex sells.
Why did you think it was a good idea to bribe him? $15 is a lot for a teacher.
It could have swayed him.
Okay, Danny, this is the principal at our son's school, all right? This isn't a maître d' at Anthony's Crab Shack.
Okay, what did you want me to do? The only other thing I had was a 50.
Would it have killed you to dressed up? You had to wear jeans to this very important meeting.
I ironed these jeans.
Sorry, I didn't know we were gonna flirt our way out of this.
You know what, don't cute-shame me.
My sexuality has gotten us a lot.
Like those extra cable channels.
[elevator thuds.]
- What happened? - Oh, it just we stopped.
- Danny? - Hey, don't worry about it.
I'm from New York.
I got this.
Okay.
That was your plan? - To press one? - That usually works.
That did nothing.
I could have come up - with that trick.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, God.
- No, shh.
- Oh, God.
- Just take take it easy.
Oh, God.
This is my fault.
I'm well over the weight limit.
Every Saturday morning when I told you I was going to spin class.
I was in line for cronuts.
They're just so cakey, and now I weigh 4, 000 pounds.
- No you're hyperventilating.
- I'm freaking out! Hello? Hello? If you Quaker sons of bitches - don't drop your goddamn oats - Okay, stop, stop screaming.
It's a school on a Friday night.
No one's here.
I'm gonna miss my flight, okay? No reception.
Can't even call Chelsea and Whitney and tell them I'm gonna miss our sex vacation.
Do you know how many wet t-shirts I packed? No, no, I don't want to hear the mother of my child's going on a sexy trip.
That's TM-information.
Danny, you know I'm a very sexual person.
If I can't be myself, then I'm just not gonna talk.
I'd prefer that.
Well, me too.
In fact, this is good.
I can catch up on my thoughts.
[jazz music.]
How does this work? Do I just picture something with my mind? Oh, I we're we're fine.
We're fine.
I think that's an unoccupied unit up there.
No, it's old man Horowitz.
He's the worst.
He always bangs on the floor when Leo cries.
What's going on? Why is there a whole in my floor? Shh.
Okay, okay, we have to make it look like a burglary.
- What? - That's what this is.
Morgan, I don't think that's gonna help.
It works, trust me.
- What're you doing? - Ah.
What was that? Sounds like somebody faking a burglary! - Ah? - Oh, man.
I don't want to go to jail.
No one is gonna go to jail.
I will go upstairs and I will smooth things over.
I'm gonna go with you.
I'm gonna disarm him with my comedy.
God, I left my whoopee cushion at home.
You know what? When I sit down on the couch, go like this [blows raspberry.]
Mm I'll go alone.
[mischievous music.]
Hey, man, I gotta talk.
Words are just building up inside of me, and they're gonna come out somehow probably in a burp.
- Fine, talk about something.
- Thank God.
You know, the reason I was excited to go to Miami is that I needed some space from this guy that What no, I don't want to hear about that.
Guys don't like that.
When they break up with a girl, they wanna think she closes up shop.
Why? I wouldn't mind hearing about - who you're dating.
- Yeah, right.
No, really.
Actually, now you have to tell me.
I really wanna hear.
Uh Come on.
Are you sure? Yeah, what else are we gonna do? I mean, there wasn't really, you know, anything at first because I was mainly focused on putting my life back together after the destruction you left in your wake.
Okay, guilt trip accepted.
What happened after that? Okay, if it's stories you want.
- There was this one girl - Mm-hmm.
Maxine.
She was cute.
And she loved dark leafy greens as much as I did.
We seemed like a real match, but then I looked her up online, and I found out that her ex-husband was dead.
So what? I tell people your dead - all the time.
- No, this guy was poisoned.
Killer never found.
[quietly.]
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
So I just kept telling myself, I said, "This is not an issue.
Don't be paranoid, Danny.
" But then she gives me this soup, and I look down, and it's got white flecks in it.
She said it was Parmesan, but Parmesan, so I came up with a brilliant excuse.
I gotta whiz.
I go to the bathroom, left out the fire escape.
Check this out, a month later, I see her, right? She's on a date with another guy, who looks exactly like me, except he's pale, sickly, like maybe he's been Murdered.
He was a ghost.
No no.
- Poisoned? - Bingo.
- That was a great story.
- Oh, thanks.
Okay, tell me another.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay What's taking your brother so long upstairs? Maybe Mr.
Horowitz has a daughter and Jody's sleeping with her.
That happened every time I lost a Frisbee in a neighbors yard and he'd go get it.
If I had a Frisbee, I could also use it as a dinner plate.
Life hack.
Do you think there'll ever be a time when Dr.
L forgives my brother? Honestly? Probably not.
She's very mean.
Also, don't tell anyone this, but there's been a lot of sexual tension between me and her lately and I think people want to see how it plays out.
I don't think they are though.
I've returned.
Both: Finally.
Well, the owner of the apartment upstairs is no longer upset about the hole in his floor.
- Yes.
- Because well, I am the new owner of the apartment.
I bought it for Mindy.
Both: What? There was another girl that was perfect for me - in every way.
- Yeah, I know this one, me.
- Next.
- No, not you.
Another girl, Gianna.
Italian, liked the Yankees, loved to exercise.
- I mean, just loved it.
- Okay, you know what? That feels pointed, and I'll have you know, - I went running yesterday.
- Really? Yeah, my coat go caught in the bus, and that bitch bus driver wouldn't stop for four blocks.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
Oh, wow.
So Gianna's not the only athlete.
Okay.
One morning after she leaves, I'm on my laptop computer, she changed my desktop screensaver from a picture of Leo to a picture of her.
Oh, my God, ho did what? - I know, right? - I'm assuming you had one of your Staten Island friends take care of her.
No, no, no, we just did it a couple more times, and then we broke up.
I gotta tell you, Danny, that story made me feel offended, outraged, and vengeful, which are my three emotions.
It wasn't that great.
I'll tell you what's great.
- These candy straws.
- No doy.
I've only been telling you for seven years.
What about you? Huh? Your turn.
Now you tell me something.
No, no, I'm not much of a talker.
I'm I'm more of, like, a shy, pretty nun, so Yeah, shy, pretty nun.
I do have one story.
It's about you.
Do you remember when I told you that I didn't want to see you outside of handing off Leo? Yeah.
Yeah, that hurt my feelings.
Wh it was only because I was worried that I would get too attached to you, and I was right because one time, I was coming out of getting a bikini wax, when I saw you on the street.
You were coming out of that gay protein powder store - on Christopher Street.
- Oh, yeah.
I get faster customer service there.
The boys all know me by name.
And, for whatever reason, I decided to follow you.
Really? You tailed me? - What was I doing? - Mostly boring stuff.
I mean, you bought a toy for Leo, you yelled at two skateboarders Wheels guys, come on! You picked a wedgie - [car horn honks.]
- Hold on a second.
But it was so fun watching you when you didn't think anyone was looking, and it made me remember why I loved you.
That's my story.
Was it good? Yeah, that was, um that was really good.
It was a little linear, - but I liked it.
- Yeah.
Didn't it make me seem crazy? A little bit [both laugh.]
But that's good.
I actually have a story about you.
You remember at Shulman's when I ran into you in the elevator.
Oh, yeah, that was so weird.
I thought you were so senile, you just wandered into your old work place, so No, um, Jody, he, uh he sent you a letter a romantic one, and it accidentally ended up in my apartment, and so I came to his office and told him to back off.
Oh, my God.
- Jody sent me a letter? - Yeah, but it wasn't good.
It was, like, a lot of scratch outs, it was on loose-leaf.
You don't need that.
Did anything happen between you guys? I thought you didn't want to know about my love life? - I'm asking you a question.
- No.
We're not a good match.
Yeah [stammer.]
I agree.
I just don't see it.
He's too old.
You don't share a frame of reference.
Really? Because you're, like, a million years old.
You're basically in black and white.
[laughs.]
Yeah, I'm younger than him.
What about you? Did anything ever get serious with the girls you were dating? [Zayn's "Pillowtalk".]
Hi, I'm Sarah.
Danny? Danny, what're you thinking about? Climb on board We'll go slow and high tempo Wait, I'm sorry, you bought her an apartment and you made me chip in for the pizza? Well, you're the one who wanted extra cheese.
I just wanted to apologize for what I did to her, and this seemed like the best way.
You slept with our brother's wife and all you gave him was an Edible Arrangement.
It might seem a little irrational.
I've just never felt so bad about my behavior before.
We're talking about Dr.
L, right? - Yes.
- Who is old, who has a kid, very ethnic, isn't quiet, isn't Southern, isn't anything you've ever liked before.
Yeah.
I okay.
I'm on board.
Really? You think it's a good idea? I don't know, but it's better than any of the other ideas you've ever had.
I don't know, I'm still on the fence.
- I - Okay, we've got work to do.
- Sure, yeah, okay.
- Let's go.
[stammers.]
[soft music.]
What do you think this means? [quietly.]
I don't know, but it was really nice.
Really? I hated it.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- You hated it? - I was like - [grumbles.]
- Yeah? [giggles.]
J/K, J/K.
- Oh, finally.
- What time is it? Yeah, we're fine.
We'll just pick these wrappers up, all right? - Oh, good morning, sir.
- Oh, good morning, sir.
It only took you an eternity to find us.
Luckily I had this hot man to have sex with.
Stop.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you for helping us out here.
You might want to watch out for that coffee cup.
We've been in here for awhile.
[Jeremih's "Impatient".]
Know your city what you're used to Know I ain't exactly what you're used to Know you're prolly worried what I'm used to I don't blame you what you s'posed to Last time we fucked like it was all night Now you got me thinkin' 'bout you all night Me and you seemed like it'd be all right Long as we can keep it all night Cup full yeah I'm on Poured up she ready Hey, Danny? Yeah? I love you.
I love you too.
Tree leaf a little O You know I'm faded Heart shaped and I love that Come here I'm down with it I can't I can't keep my eyes off your face Let alone talk 'bout your body I been waiting for so long Well, hello.
[screams.]
Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
[exhales.]
Jody, what're you doing here? Hey, where's my artsy staircase? I bought that from a gay man's estate sale.
No, it was junk, and I threw it away, but don't worry, I replaced it with something better.
[soft music.]
Is that Narnia? I don't wanna go.
It's for nerds.
Seal it up.
Come with me.
Come on.
It's okay.
Oh, my God, we should not be up here.
This is where old man Horowitz lives.
He's so mean.
He always screams at me when I laugh too loud at "Family Guy.
" He won't yell at you anymore.
He's dead? Thank God.
No please, shut up.
He won't be yelling at you because he's moving out.
Now, close your eyes.
What? No.
Yeah, just please, just close your eyes.
- I don't want to.
- For a minute for me.
- Okay.
- Pretend.
- Okay.
- Now, imagine, Mindy, if this whole place was yours.
You had all the space in the world for little Leo.
Oh, my God.
You could turn this into the room every little boy's overbearing mom dreams of.
For as long as I've known you, Mindy, I've seen you put the needs of others - before yourself.
- Really? No one's ever said that.
Your boy deserves more than to sleep in a closet, and up here, he'll have all the room he needs to play and do his homework.
And space to shoot his videos when he becomes a Vine star.
Sure, and he'll know his mother is right downstairs if he needs her, where she'll have a special place of her own.
[gasps.]
A walk-in meat locker? No.
With Leo upstairs, your closet can go back to what it does best: - Holding your junk.
- Oh, my sweet, sweet junk.
Because it's time someone takes care of you for a change.
- Whoa.
- Can you picture that, Mindy? - [sighs.]
- [laughs.]
Jody, what have you done? I can't afford this place.
I need to be saving up for my retirement.
There is no way that Leo's gonna support me when I'm old.
His bitch wife is gonna hate me.
No, no, no, I bought it for you.
Ah, don't don't look at me like that.
It it's a normal thing to do if you're, you know you want to apologize to someone.
- Is it? - I've done it before for someone I might possibly, against my better judgment, be in love with.
[soft music.]
[quietly.]
Holy shit.
[Amy Winehouse's "Back to Black".]
He left no time to regret Kept his dick wet With his same old safe bet We only said good-bye with words I died a hundred times You go back to her And I go back to
Okay.
Mindy Mindy, I'm getting married.
Let me try that again.
Someone likes me, and, uh, so I'm gonna get hitched.
Dan the Man is yeah.
I'm not gonna do the Dan the Man.
That's stupid.
I'll just cut the Dan the Man.
Just go int I got it.
Mindy, this here is a, uh a wedding invitation for you.
So stupid.
I'm cool.
Pull yourself together.
I'm good.
[Leo babbles.]
You good? I'll just wing it.
All right, let's do it.
[knocks on door.]
Hey.
Hi, sweetie! You're ten minutes early, which is late for you.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, I just wanted - to talk to you about something.
- Okay.
Wait, you don't need money, do you? Now is not a good time.
I fell asleep on my keyboard.
I bought everything on iTunes.
No, it's not that.
It is pretty serious though.
Okay, I need to tell you that I'm getting [exhales.]
I'm I'm getting You can tell me.
I'm getting fed up with this mess.
This this mess all over your apartment.
It's your clothes strewn a Look at this.
I'm standing on a brassiere? I mean, come on.
I don't like it.
I don't like it for Leo.
I know.
It's a disaster.
You're right.
I am? [sighs.]
I wanna blame it on how much I'm working, but you know what? We have the same job, and your toilet is cleaner than my whole kitchen.
Last night, at bedtime, I was looking for one of Leo's books, couldn't find them, so I just read him the nutrition facts on the back of some Bagel Bites.
- Bagel Bites? - Can you believe that? - Oh, no, no, don no, don't - [sobbing.]
No don't don't get worked up.
Your blood pressures real bad.
Take a deep breath.
I'm an unfit mother.
No, it's not that bad.
Look, I think this could be good for him.
Good for his immune system.
He doesn't need to go to the park and roll around in the dirt.
He'll do it right here, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah, everything's good.
Forget I said anything, all right? I gotta go.
I got a meeting.
Good talk.
Great talk, yeah.
I'm, uh I'm gonna go.
Okay? All right.
[soft music.]
[sighs.]
[hip-hop music.]
[Enrique Iglesias "Bailando" playing over laptop.]
[singing in Spanish.]
Yeah.
- Yes.
- Oh, my God, you guys.
- Yeah.
- We're gonna have so much fun - this weekend in Miami.
- I can't wait to get down with some Cuban guy and just feel that gold crucifix - just banging me in the chin.
- Mm, yes.
Ooh, that was vivid.
I like that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, mm.
- [sighs.]
I need to get away from Jody.
He just keeps leaving me these annoying apology gifts.
Yesterday, he left me this.
- Hmm.
- The note says: "If it will help you forgive me, you can shoot me in the leg.
" Guys, the worst part is, I kind of liked him, you know? I thought that maybe we would actually have something.
- All right.
- Okay.
- What? - I think maybe we just put the gun down when we tell the story.
- Just in - It's not loaded.
- Oh, it is loaded.
- Let's just put it back.
Mindy, just forget Jody, and by this time tomorrow, we're gonna have, like, ten gallons of mojitos in us - Ooh-la-la.
- Yeah.
Hey, you're sober though, right? - So you shouldn't be drinking.
- I'm sober, but from drugs, which means that I have to drink twice as much now.
- [knocks on door.]
- I get that.
- [laughs.]
- I didn't know that.
- Mindy? - Ugh.
Oh, I didn't realize you had company.
Um, would you mind giving us a moment, please? Stay away, Mr.
Chlamydia.
Yeah, I don't want to get chlamydia till I am in Miami.
I don't have chlamydia anymore.
It's part of what I wanted to tell you, Mindy.
If you'll just give me 30 minutes of your time, I'd like to make a formal apology.
[clears throat.]
"Mindy, when in the course - of romantic events" - Hey, man, I ain't got no time for no 30 minute apology speech.
Maybe when I come back in a couple days, and I'm tanned, braided, and I'm engaged to Ricky Martin - Yeah.
- Or his husband.
- That's right.
- Get it.
- [laughing.]
- Up here.
That's what's up.
Tamra, we've discussed the dress code.
What? I'm wearing scrubs.
Yeah, but you cut the belly off.
Now you're 20% nude.
Don't you think that I would love to cut the arms off my lab coat to create a trendy knee-length vest? Of course I would, but I don't.
Because we must hide our true selves at work.
[alarm blaring.]
Oh, my God, the fire alarm! Tamra, stay calm! - Everybody, stay calm! - I've got this! Volunteer firefighter to the rescue! [yelling.]
- Oh, God! - Whoo! Okay, people, we need a safety meeting.
What we have is a classic contact fire.
This garment rack came in contact with this hot pipe.
So, in layman's terms, what that means - Oh, don't Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, God, my beautiful clothes.
- [cries.]
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I was saving that dress for the funeral of an enemy.
That's who did this.
Kelly Ripa.
- No, no, no, no, no, no - Kelly Ripa did it.
Mindy, you can't be leaving your personal rubbish at work anymore.
It's becoming hazardous.
My closet is now a nursery for my son, so I have no place to keep my clothes.
Leave your possessions at home.
My apartment is bursting with Lady Di memorabilia.
Do you see me waltzing around here in a tiara? [quietly.]
No.
Oh, God.
Okay, fine.
- I'll figure something out.
- Okay.
Shh, it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay.
Can I keep the burned clothes, Dr.
L? No, they're too nice for you.
Fine, but can I cut off my scubs top like Tamra? Fashion is going to destroy this office.
[mischievous music.]
- [sighs.]
- Hey, Dr.
L.
Leo's preschool just called for you, and it sounded pretty important.
Bleecker Friends Quaker School for Pre-Toddlers? He got suspended or he's wearing suspenders.
I didn't write it down 'cause my memory's so good.
You know what? He's so hot, he probably hooked up with one of the teachers.
Excuse me.
Ah, Morgan, I need you to do me a small favor.
Yeah, I'll do jury duty for you.
- Let me go get my wig.
- No, nothing like that.
I'd like to borrow the key to Mindy's apartment.
I wanna leave her a surprise while she's away in Miami.
- No way, bub.
- Oh She almost took the key away when I hosted a small dog wedding there.
A gay dog wedding.
- Look at that.
- Uh-huh.
Well, I would like to build her a walk-in closet.
Yeah, well, she needs one.
She's been keeping all of her accessories in here.
I mean, Brian looks like frigging Jack Sparrow.
So you'll help me then, Morgan? Yeah, all right, I'll do it, but if she gets mad I'm take the fall for you - 'cause I love you.
- Thank you.
- Come on, let's go.
- Oh.
I was go I was gonna give you five and it let's go, let's go, let's go.
Dr.
Lahiri, Dr.
Castellano, your son has been suspended for a violent outburst on the playground.
Leo bit some girl in the arm.
Oh, no, that's not possible.
Our son is a sweet little angel.
I mean, he's even friends with that little nerdy kid with glasses even though I told him not to be.
Here's a photo of the victim.
Okay, well oh, my God.
Oh, God, that's bad.
Put it back.
Okay, couple things: She's wearing a cupcake onesie.
She looks delicious.
I mean, I would have bitten her.
It brought me no joy to put your son in baby cuffs and hand him to your nanny, but we take violence very seriously at this school.
It goes against everything our Quaker founder, Brother Jub Smith, stood for or sat for.
He donated his own legs to a man who had none.
In fact, this building is the location of Manhattan's first electric elevator.
Hey, man, I gotta catch a flight to Miami, so if you could maybe tell us this sad-ass elevator story another time, - that would be great.
- Okay, well, look, can we possibly just discipline Leo at home? Like, no "Dora" for a week? Which would be hard for me too.
I mean, that's a very cute show.
When a child lashes out, it's a sign that there is trouble at home.
- Not in this case.
- Well, might be in this case.
The little guy's been going through a lot.
His mom's get a very hectic work schedule.
Exsqueeze me? We have the same job.
If anything, I think my son's biting because he inherited an anger problem - from his father.
- What? - What am I angry about? - I don't know.
Your mom, your dad, me leaving you, your guilt-based religion, doping in baseball, - Mayor de Blasio - All these teens just smoking dope right out in public? I never saw that under Giuliani.
Did you? Look, Leo's mom and I were together for awhile, and I gotta tell you she's the biter.
How dare you.
I bit you in confidence, and you loved it.
You begged for it.
Oh, and you don't bite? Why don't you tell it to my nipples.
I'm not gonna talk to your nip why are we talking about your nipples right now? I'll tell you something.
We don't have the same job, Mindy.
Okay? I do one job.
You do 18 jobs.
That's right.
I forgot.
Because this is Afghanistan, and a woman is not permitted to have ambition.
Right, it's Afghanistan.
I'm just a human fricking pacifier.
Mindy's in Florida so we have the whole weekend.
Now, the first thing we're gonna do is get rid of this stupid spiraled-stair bookcase thing, and then we're gonna put a walk-in closet right here.
We can do that in a weekend, right Collette? I guess.
I kinda had other plans than to spend my weekend building my older brother's non-girlfriend an apology closet.
Shame on you.
Dr.
L will be coming back from vacation, and if she doesn't have a gift waiting for her, she could have the post-vacation blues.
Come on now, it'll be a snap.
How long can it take to wall off one room? It only took father one night to board mother up in the attic.
This whole thing seems a little weird.
Well, if people were always worried about what seemed weird, we'd never know how delicious pigs' feet were, would we? Okay.
Morgan, why don't you start by unscrewing the staircase from the ceiling, please.
You got it, boss.
Hey, I got a little bit of, uh, vertigo from both sides of the family, but I think it's gonna be okay.
- Yeah - Lefty loose-y.
All right, you're doing excellent work up there, Morgan.
Ah, thank you for the encouragement, Dr.
K.
- Are you okay? - Why'd I look down? - Uh-oh.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
- [grunts.]
- both: Oh! - Morgan, Morgan! Oh, my God, are you okay? I think the vertigo is gone.
[exhales sharply.]
[upbeat music.]
Oh, dear.
Why would you think it was a good idea to talk about our sex life at a Quaker school? Because sex sells.
Why did you think it was a good idea to bribe him? $15 is a lot for a teacher.
It could have swayed him.
Okay, Danny, this is the principal at our son's school, all right? This isn't a maître d' at Anthony's Crab Shack.
Okay, what did you want me to do? The only other thing I had was a 50.
Would it have killed you to dressed up? You had to wear jeans to this very important meeting.
I ironed these jeans.
Sorry, I didn't know we were gonna flirt our way out of this.
You know what, don't cute-shame me.
My sexuality has gotten us a lot.
Like those extra cable channels.
[elevator thuds.]
- What happened? - Oh, it just we stopped.
- Danny? - Hey, don't worry about it.
I'm from New York.
I got this.
Okay.
That was your plan? - To press one? - That usually works.
That did nothing.
I could have come up - with that trick.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, God.
- No, shh.
- Oh, God.
- Just take take it easy.
Oh, God.
This is my fault.
I'm well over the weight limit.
Every Saturday morning when I told you I was going to spin class.
I was in line for cronuts.
They're just so cakey, and now I weigh 4, 000 pounds.
- No you're hyperventilating.
- I'm freaking out! Hello? Hello? If you Quaker sons of bitches - don't drop your goddamn oats - Okay, stop, stop screaming.
It's a school on a Friday night.
No one's here.
I'm gonna miss my flight, okay? No reception.
Can't even call Chelsea and Whitney and tell them I'm gonna miss our sex vacation.
Do you know how many wet t-shirts I packed? No, no, I don't want to hear the mother of my child's going on a sexy trip.
That's TM-information.
Danny, you know I'm a very sexual person.
If I can't be myself, then I'm just not gonna talk.
I'd prefer that.
Well, me too.
In fact, this is good.
I can catch up on my thoughts.
[jazz music.]
How does this work? Do I just picture something with my mind? Oh, I we're we're fine.
We're fine.
I think that's an unoccupied unit up there.
No, it's old man Horowitz.
He's the worst.
He always bangs on the floor when Leo cries.
What's going on? Why is there a whole in my floor? Shh.
Okay, okay, we have to make it look like a burglary.
- What? - That's what this is.
Morgan, I don't think that's gonna help.
It works, trust me.
- What're you doing? - Ah.
What was that? Sounds like somebody faking a burglary! - Ah? - Oh, man.
I don't want to go to jail.
No one is gonna go to jail.
I will go upstairs and I will smooth things over.
I'm gonna go with you.
I'm gonna disarm him with my comedy.
God, I left my whoopee cushion at home.
You know what? When I sit down on the couch, go like this [blows raspberry.]
Mm I'll go alone.
[mischievous music.]
Hey, man, I gotta talk.
Words are just building up inside of me, and they're gonna come out somehow probably in a burp.
- Fine, talk about something.
- Thank God.
You know, the reason I was excited to go to Miami is that I needed some space from this guy that What no, I don't want to hear about that.
Guys don't like that.
When they break up with a girl, they wanna think she closes up shop.
Why? I wouldn't mind hearing about - who you're dating.
- Yeah, right.
No, really.
Actually, now you have to tell me.
I really wanna hear.
Uh Come on.
Are you sure? Yeah, what else are we gonna do? I mean, there wasn't really, you know, anything at first because I was mainly focused on putting my life back together after the destruction you left in your wake.
Okay, guilt trip accepted.
What happened after that? Okay, if it's stories you want.
- There was this one girl - Mm-hmm.
Maxine.
She was cute.
And she loved dark leafy greens as much as I did.
We seemed like a real match, but then I looked her up online, and I found out that her ex-husband was dead.
So what? I tell people your dead - all the time.
- No, this guy was poisoned.
Killer never found.
[quietly.]
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
So I just kept telling myself, I said, "This is not an issue.
Don't be paranoid, Danny.
" But then she gives me this soup, and I look down, and it's got white flecks in it.
She said it was Parmesan, but Parmesan, so I came up with a brilliant excuse.
I gotta whiz.
I go to the bathroom, left out the fire escape.
Check this out, a month later, I see her, right? She's on a date with another guy, who looks exactly like me, except he's pale, sickly, like maybe he's been Murdered.
He was a ghost.
No no.
- Poisoned? - Bingo.
- That was a great story.
- Oh, thanks.
Okay, tell me another.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Okay What's taking your brother so long upstairs? Maybe Mr.
Horowitz has a daughter and Jody's sleeping with her.
That happened every time I lost a Frisbee in a neighbors yard and he'd go get it.
If I had a Frisbee, I could also use it as a dinner plate.
Life hack.
Do you think there'll ever be a time when Dr.
L forgives my brother? Honestly? Probably not.
She's very mean.
Also, don't tell anyone this, but there's been a lot of sexual tension between me and her lately and I think people want to see how it plays out.
I don't think they are though.
I've returned.
Both: Finally.
Well, the owner of the apartment upstairs is no longer upset about the hole in his floor.
- Yes.
- Because well, I am the new owner of the apartment.
I bought it for Mindy.
Both: What? There was another girl that was perfect for me - in every way.
- Yeah, I know this one, me.
- Next.
- No, not you.
Another girl, Gianna.
Italian, liked the Yankees, loved to exercise.
- I mean, just loved it.
- Okay, you know what? That feels pointed, and I'll have you know, - I went running yesterday.
- Really? Yeah, my coat go caught in the bus, and that bitch bus driver wouldn't stop for four blocks.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
Oh, wow.
So Gianna's not the only athlete.
Okay.
One morning after she leaves, I'm on my laptop computer, she changed my desktop screensaver from a picture of Leo to a picture of her.
Oh, my God, ho did what? - I know, right? - I'm assuming you had one of your Staten Island friends take care of her.
No, no, no, we just did it a couple more times, and then we broke up.
I gotta tell you, Danny, that story made me feel offended, outraged, and vengeful, which are my three emotions.
It wasn't that great.
I'll tell you what's great.
- These candy straws.
- No doy.
I've only been telling you for seven years.
What about you? Huh? Your turn.
Now you tell me something.
No, no, I'm not much of a talker.
I'm I'm more of, like, a shy, pretty nun, so Yeah, shy, pretty nun.
I do have one story.
It's about you.
Do you remember when I told you that I didn't want to see you outside of handing off Leo? Yeah.
Yeah, that hurt my feelings.
Wh it was only because I was worried that I would get too attached to you, and I was right because one time, I was coming out of getting a bikini wax, when I saw you on the street.
You were coming out of that gay protein powder store - on Christopher Street.
- Oh, yeah.
I get faster customer service there.
The boys all know me by name.
And, for whatever reason, I decided to follow you.
Really? You tailed me? - What was I doing? - Mostly boring stuff.
I mean, you bought a toy for Leo, you yelled at two skateboarders Wheels guys, come on! You picked a wedgie - [car horn honks.]
- Hold on a second.
But it was so fun watching you when you didn't think anyone was looking, and it made me remember why I loved you.
That's my story.
Was it good? Yeah, that was, um that was really good.
It was a little linear, - but I liked it.
- Yeah.
Didn't it make me seem crazy? A little bit [both laugh.]
But that's good.
I actually have a story about you.
You remember at Shulman's when I ran into you in the elevator.
Oh, yeah, that was so weird.
I thought you were so senile, you just wandered into your old work place, so No, um, Jody, he, uh he sent you a letter a romantic one, and it accidentally ended up in my apartment, and so I came to his office and told him to back off.
Oh, my God.
- Jody sent me a letter? - Yeah, but it wasn't good.
It was, like, a lot of scratch outs, it was on loose-leaf.
You don't need that.
Did anything happen between you guys? I thought you didn't want to know about my love life? - I'm asking you a question.
- No.
We're not a good match.
Yeah [stammer.]
I agree.
I just don't see it.
He's too old.
You don't share a frame of reference.
Really? Because you're, like, a million years old.
You're basically in black and white.
[laughs.]
Yeah, I'm younger than him.
What about you? Did anything ever get serious with the girls you were dating? [Zayn's "Pillowtalk".]
Hi, I'm Sarah.
Danny? Danny, what're you thinking about? Climb on board We'll go slow and high tempo Wait, I'm sorry, you bought her an apartment and you made me chip in for the pizza? Well, you're the one who wanted extra cheese.
I just wanted to apologize for what I did to her, and this seemed like the best way.
You slept with our brother's wife and all you gave him was an Edible Arrangement.
It might seem a little irrational.
I've just never felt so bad about my behavior before.
We're talking about Dr.
L, right? - Yes.
- Who is old, who has a kid, very ethnic, isn't quiet, isn't Southern, isn't anything you've ever liked before.
Yeah.
I okay.
I'm on board.
Really? You think it's a good idea? I don't know, but it's better than any of the other ideas you've ever had.
I don't know, I'm still on the fence.
- I - Okay, we've got work to do.
- Sure, yeah, okay.
- Let's go.
[stammers.]
[soft music.]
What do you think this means? [quietly.]
I don't know, but it was really nice.
Really? I hated it.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- You hated it? - I was like - [grumbles.]
- Yeah? [giggles.]
J/K, J/K.
- Oh, finally.
- What time is it? Yeah, we're fine.
We'll just pick these wrappers up, all right? - Oh, good morning, sir.
- Oh, good morning, sir.
It only took you an eternity to find us.
Luckily I had this hot man to have sex with.
Stop.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you for helping us out here.
You might want to watch out for that coffee cup.
We've been in here for awhile.
[Jeremih's "Impatient".]
Know your city what you're used to Know I ain't exactly what you're used to Know you're prolly worried what I'm used to I don't blame you what you s'posed to Last time we fucked like it was all night Now you got me thinkin' 'bout you all night Me and you seemed like it'd be all right Long as we can keep it all night Cup full yeah I'm on Poured up she ready Hey, Danny? Yeah? I love you.
I love you too.
Tree leaf a little O You know I'm faded Heart shaped and I love that Come here I'm down with it I can't I can't keep my eyes off your face Let alone talk 'bout your body I been waiting for so long Well, hello.
[screams.]
Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
[exhales.]
Jody, what're you doing here? Hey, where's my artsy staircase? I bought that from a gay man's estate sale.
No, it was junk, and I threw it away, but don't worry, I replaced it with something better.
[soft music.]
Is that Narnia? I don't wanna go.
It's for nerds.
Seal it up.
Come with me.
Come on.
It's okay.
Oh, my God, we should not be up here.
This is where old man Horowitz lives.
He's so mean.
He always screams at me when I laugh too loud at "Family Guy.
" He won't yell at you anymore.
He's dead? Thank God.
No please, shut up.
He won't be yelling at you because he's moving out.
Now, close your eyes.
What? No.
Yeah, just please, just close your eyes.
- I don't want to.
- For a minute for me.
- Okay.
- Pretend.
- Okay.
- Now, imagine, Mindy, if this whole place was yours.
You had all the space in the world for little Leo.
Oh, my God.
You could turn this into the room every little boy's overbearing mom dreams of.
For as long as I've known you, Mindy, I've seen you put the needs of others - before yourself.
- Really? No one's ever said that.
Your boy deserves more than to sleep in a closet, and up here, he'll have all the room he needs to play and do his homework.
And space to shoot his videos when he becomes a Vine star.
Sure, and he'll know his mother is right downstairs if he needs her, where she'll have a special place of her own.
[gasps.]
A walk-in meat locker? No.
With Leo upstairs, your closet can go back to what it does best: - Holding your junk.
- Oh, my sweet, sweet junk.
Because it's time someone takes care of you for a change.
- Whoa.
- Can you picture that, Mindy? - [sighs.]
- [laughs.]
Jody, what have you done? I can't afford this place.
I need to be saving up for my retirement.
There is no way that Leo's gonna support me when I'm old.
His bitch wife is gonna hate me.
No, no, no, I bought it for you.
Ah, don't don't look at me like that.
It it's a normal thing to do if you're, you know you want to apologize to someone.
- Is it? - I've done it before for someone I might possibly, against my better judgment, be in love with.
[soft music.]
[quietly.]
Holy shit.
[Amy Winehouse's "Back to Black".]
He left no time to regret Kept his dick wet With his same old safe bet We only said good-bye with words I died a hundred times You go back to her And I go back to