Weird Science s04e26 Episode Script

You make man? No.
Woman.
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER (ON TELEVISION): Woman? THEME SONG: Weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making weird science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation.
Is it real? It's my creation.
Ooh! My creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold, just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
Ooh! My creation.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand.
He's alive.
Alive! I think we're being watched.
Huh? What, by Super Fly over there? He followed us in and he's been staring at us the whole time.
[ZAP.]
Whoa! Thanks a lot, Lis.
I paid $2.
75 for that cappuccino.
You was robbed.
Lis, that guy over there has been watching us.
I don't believe this.
[ZAP.]
Yow! Didn't hurt.
[ZAP.]
I think I missed a chapter somewhere.
At what point did Chett develop Brady hair? [RIP.]
Yah! Spirit gum.
He was tailing you guys, figuring you'd eventually lead him to me.
And I was right.
Now, that kind of cleverness deserves a reward, like a free wish.
That's what this is about? Ever since he found out I exist, he hasn't let up.
Lisa, give me a million dollars.
Lisa, fill the pool with Rolling Rock.
Lisa, get me a guest spot on "Friends.
" Lisa, I want you to maroon me on a desert island.
Huh? Chett marooned? Isn't that one of our wishes? I know it sounds weird.
But it's a perfect vacation for a real man.
Hard, lean, and alone against the elements like "Robinson Crusoe" or that Brazilian cannibal soccer team? A true test of manhood.
I even picked out the coordinates.
And here's the beauty part.
Grant my wish and I swear I'll never bug you again.
BOTH: Never? Hell, I'd settle for a three day weekend.
You've got a deal.
[BEACH MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ZAP.]
Oh yeah! This is the life I was cut out for.
Hard, lean, alone, against the elements.
I'm going to slap a saddle on Mother Nature and bend her to my iron will.
Now, supposed to boil this stuff before I drink it, right? It's optional.
Here, genius.
Survival radio.
Oh, very nice.
Got to have my Stern in the morning.
It also doubles as a homing device.
When you get tired of living off the land, press this signal button.
I'll hear it and zap you back.
Well, don't wait up, babe.
I've got an island to conquer.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
So what are we looking at? WYATT DONNELLY: This program is keyed into the homing device.
It will show us where Lisa and Chett are.
I wonder what's taking her so long.
She must have stuck around for a little fun in the surf.
My backpack! [WAVES CRASHING.]
Stupid ocean.
What good is it? Stop whining.
I'll zap you up some more supplies before I go.
[ZAP.]
What the hell was that? I don't know.
Something's interfering with my magic.
This place is making me nervous.
I'm zapping us out of here.
[ZAP.]
[BEEPING.]
Uh, should this worry me? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Great.
Lisa and Chett are trapped in the scariest place on Earth! Kansas? It scares me.
Supposedly there is some sort of atmospheric anomaly in the Bermuda Triangle that makes electricity act all funky.
That's why so many boats and planes get lost there.
What's that got to do with Lisa? She's not a boat.
She's a genie.
Her magic feeds on electricity.
You know, we would have avoided a lot of trouble over the years if Lisa ran on natural gas.
Let's not panic yet.
In a crisis, you can always count on Lisa for a good plan.
LISA: OK.
So we set all the trees on fire.
A fishing troller sees the smoke and comes to investigate.
And finds our bodies charred, extra crispy.
Why don't we just set off a nuke gun? Somebody would be sure to notice.
OK, Mr.
Johnny No Likey.
Let's hear a decent idea out of you.
OK.
How about you and me lie naked on a rock, nothing between us but the occasional air pocket? Come on.
Take a wild ride on the Chett Donnelly love flue.
Uh huh.
Right.
I've been told I'm cuddly.
[BEACH MUSIC PLAYING.]
We better find some shelter soon.
Jeez, this stuff is thick.
Let me help you there.
Oh! [PUNCH.]
What? My hand slipped.
Oh, somebody else is here.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Was here.
Even better.
If they're not here now, then maybe somebody rescued them.
From the Bermuda Triangle? Not likely.
We're where? Or at least I'm assuming that's where we are because why else wouldn't your magic be working? Of course.
I can't get a decent charge because we're in the Bermuda Triangle.
You trapped me here on purpose.
Guilty.
Why? Come on.
You and me, alone, no hope of rescue? As far as you're concerned, I'm the last man on earth.
Well, there's nothing left to do now but to start propagating.
I want you out of here.
You, alone in the jungle.
What are you going to do when the humidity frizzes your pretty hair? Or you come across a big bug.
Who's going to kill it for you? You need me.
Admit it.
I'd rather give Mickey Rourke a tongue bath.
Fine.
But don't come crawling to me when I'm living the life of an island god and you're eating worms.
[BEACH MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SNAKE HISSING.]
Chett and Lisa have been missing two weeks.
And since we don't have enough bucks to charter a dough cart, let alone a plane, I hereby declare a state of emergency.
Time to break out the emergency wish.
The what? WYATT DONNELLY: Right around the time we first created Lisa, I had her set up a delayed action wish.
You know, in case there was an emergency one day when she wasn't around.
She hid it in one of my squirrel figurines.
We had a free wish laying around for years and you never told me about it? WYATT DONNELLY: Gar, you would have blown it anyway.
Huh? My squirrels.
Somebody took my squirrels! LISA: Help! Help! Help! Damn stupid ankle.
[WHISTLING.]
Trouble? No.
Go away, jerk.
I'm sorry.
Seeing as how I'm the only other person on the island, I foolishly assumed you were calling me.
My mistake.
Oh, hey, look.
Tide's coming in.
Toodles.
Hate him.
Hate him.
Hate him.
Come back! Did I hear a please after that command? It must have gotten lost in the breeze.
Please, OK? Please help me? No problem, fellow castaway.
Ah.
Jammed in there pretty good.
Bite down.
[GRUNTING.]
[THUD.]
Ooh.
That really, really hurt.
What's wrong with you? I think I pulled a groin muscle.
Ew.
Thanks for helping out.
It was surprisingly unselfish.
Surprisingly? You've been hanging out with Booger Boy and Snot Pot too long.
They've poisoned your mind.
Oh? You spend the last 17 years of your life torturing Booger Boy.
Snot Pot.
Gary's Booger Boy.
Whatever.
The point is, I make up my own mind about people.
Uh huh.
Without giving them a chance, just like everybody else in the world.
You want to stay here? I mean, just until your condition heals.
You kidding? This place is a palace compared to the crummy lean-to I've got-- which is, you know, the way I like it.
But if you need my help-- -I don't.
I'll stay.
Good.
[THUD.]
Damn it.
Where the hell are my squirrels? They didn't just come to life and scamper away! Hey, look what we missed.
"Pit Lick, sold your sissy squirrels for beer money.
Love, Chett.
" Who would buy a bunch of ceramics rodents? WYATT DONNELLY: Hey! Hey, just so you understand, squirrel collecting is very big right now.
What? I picked this up at Squirrel Con in San Diego.
San Diego is way better than Boston.
I mean, it-- it attracts a lot more of the hardcore dealers.
This is some sick demented joke, right? No.
It's no joke.
There are a lot of us squirrel heads out there.
Famous ones, too.
Al Gore, Adam West, Courtney Love.
Squirrel heads? Uh huh.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
You cooked.
I'll clean.
-Tell me something, Chett.
-Sure.
What do you want to know? All I ever see of you is this bully who tortures Wyatt.
Yet lately you've been pleasant.
I don't get it.
Hey, complicated guy.
Lots of levels.
I'm like a nine layer bean dip with feet.
So why are you such a wank to Wyatt? I guess you'd have to go back to my folks.
First day they brought the little sput home from the hospital.
How is the little Wyatt poopy penguin schmoo schmoo schmoo? Oh! He made a bubble.
What is it, Chett? Why is the baby changing table in my room? Oh, well, uh, didn't your father say anything to you about that? No.
Well, sweetie, little babies need a lot of room to grow.
That's why we're moving you into the sewing room so we'll have lots of room for little Wyatt's furniture.
You mean he's getting my room? Well, that's right.
What a big boy to be so understanding.
Pit lick.
Damn it, Chett.
Wyatt is napping.
Bad Chett.
Those are Wyatt's toys.
He's so much smarter than Chett was at that age.
Mommy's little Wyatt made a dookie.
What can you do, Chester? Let me loose and give me back my pants.
This isn't funny.
You know, from where I'm standing, it's a riot.
That's terrible.
How long was poor Wyatt stuck to that bike rack? An hour or so.
And I felt real bad about after I found out the little butt blossom was standing under a hornet's nest.
That's not funny.
Not a bit.
[LAUGHTER.]
Can I ask you a serious question? Shoot.
You're 25 years old.
You're supposed to have grown past all that sibling rivalry stuff.
Why do you still pick on him? Old habits are hard to break, I guess.
Besides, he hates me.
He doesn't.
I promise you that.
It's OK.
I bring it on myself.
I pick fights with everybody.
Wallace, Scampy, my folks, girlfriends.
I don't hate you.
Oh! I found these growing on the other side of the lagoon.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Did you hear that? Yeah.
Sure sounds romantic.
There is something real sexy about the Spanish language, don't you think? [WIND BLOWING.]
Nice breeze.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[WIND BLOWING.]
[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.]
There's no way this hut is going to stand up to the storm.
I think you'll be surprised just how well this baby does hold up.
Ha! Good as new! Great.
What about when that wall falls apart? Or that wall? Or the roof flies off? You know, ever since we found out about this hurricane, you have been in a mood.
I'm serious.
If I were Chett and I waned to convert some squirrels into quick cash, I would take them to a used squirrel store.
No.
You're making this up.
There's no such thing as a used squirrel store.
Son of a gun.
One of these scores is hiding a butt full of magic.
[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.]
Answer me straight.
Are you scared? Me? The Chettinator? No way.
Fess up.
You got to be a little scared.
Nope.
Guys don't get scared like girls do.
It's genetic.
[LIGHTNING.]
I'm lying.
I hate lightning.
It's always scared the snot out of me.
I used to hide under the sink whenever there was a storm.
I'm not brave, OK? I'm a big sissy coward and the lightning's close.
Ah! Lightning! That's it! Of course that's it.
We're about to be toast! Burnt, crunchy, 'bout to die in a hurricane frickin' toast.
The problem has been the triangle messing with the electricity around here.
If we channel the lightning, pure electricity, directly into me, I might have enough power to zap us home.
[LIGHTNING.]
Ah! Make it stop! What are the things you're not supposed to do in an electrical storm? Don't stand under any trees.
Don't touch anything metal.
Let's go break some rules.
WYATT DONNELLY: Gary, wait a second.
This is it.
You sure? Chip, chip, chip.
Chip, chip.
Oh, Mr.
West.
So good to see you again.
Please, Rudolpho.
Call me Adam.
See? Huh? Wow.
I can't believe it's really you in person.
I am such a big fan.
Thank you, sonny.
My favorite episode is the one where you and Spock beam down to that planet filled with gangsters.
That was Shatner.
I was Batman.
No.
No, I'm sure it was you.
Gary, let's just pay for our squirrel and get out of here.
Good god.
That's a Yandrow Nut Gatherer '64 series.
It differs from the '63 series because of the angle of its tail.
You'll notice the tail points in 30 degrees instead of 45.
They only made 14 of these little guys.
I must have it.
What, hey? Hey, I saw it first.
I think not.
Rudolpho, wasn't I in here just last week admiring this figurine? Well, Adam.
Here's $40, double the marked price.
$50.
$55.
At last, after all these years, a worthy adversary.
[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.]
Hopefully the antenna will attract the lightning and channel it into me.
Are you sure this is going to work? Either it works or my body won't be able to handle that amount of electricity.
In that case, I'll probably just explode.
Then what are you doing it for? It's our only chance.
No way! It's my choice.
You think I want us stuck here forever? Would it be so bad to be stuck here together? I mean, if we survive the storm, I mean.
We're just getting the hang of things.
I'd rather take our chances with this weather than risk you getting French fried.
[ELECTRICAL ZAP.]
[SCREAM.]
Chett! WYATT DONNELLY: $68 and 40, 45, 46, $0.
47.
Not so fast, evil-doer.
I must find quarters.
Aha.
$69.
04.
That's it.
We're broke.
Uh uh.
Still got our gold card.
Platinum card.
Check and mate.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
My squirrel.
[CRASH.]
[ZAP.]
Gary, make the wish.
I wish we were with Lisa.
Gary, you're a moron.
[ZAP.]
Whoa! That was some kiss.
My whole body feels like a bumped funny bone.
Thanks to you, my magic's back in business.
We're ready to go.
Let's boogie.
[ZAP.]
I don't suppose it occurred to you to wish for a round trip, did it? Eh.
Boy, some wind, huh? Man.
Woo.
[ZAP.]
So here we are.
Us.
Here.
I, uh-- Mm.
Mm, me too.
Because you know-- Right.
Right.
So I guess you want to go see Gary and Wyatt now? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I'd better.
Hey, you don't have to tell me because I've got major life things to catch up on, you know.
People to see.
You know how it is.
I hear you.
I hear you.
So I guess I'd better get cracking.
We should just let it go.
Let what go? [SAD MUSIC PLAYING.]
[WAVES CRASHING.]
It was in 1972 that I first saw the Hummel Bushy Tail.
Ah, those big brown moist eyes reached out and grabbed me the moment I walked in the store and refused to let go.
My Bushy Tail remains the pride of my staggeringly large collection.
Kill me.
Kill me now.
Just do it quick, OK? Tell me more.
ADAM WEST: Well, there was the time I noticed the flaw in my '76--