That '70s Show s04e27 Episode Script

So, Mr.
Hammond said it was fine for me to miss class 'cause I'm already getting an ''A.
'' So just as you suspected, Mom I am better than everybody.
All I know is, my little boy was very brave at the dentist today.
Wasn't he? Yes, he was, my ''wittle snicklefwitz.
'' ( Laughing ) Okay, Mom, uh, when a boy reaches a certain age the baby voice no longer comforts him.
It urges him to kill.
- Shh! Shh! - Okay, let's, uh, get you some coffee.
Nobody pukes in the Trans Am.
( Gasps ) Mrs.
Forman.
Uh-oh, you look mad.
( Sighs ) What did Eric do? Bad Eric! Donna? Why aren't you in school? No worries.
I called her in sick.
I told 'em ''lady troubles.
'' No questions asked.
Oh, hey.
Easy there, wobbles.
Have you been drinking? I hope so.
'Cause if not, this whole place is a-spinnin'! Hang on, boys, it's a twister! Hangin'out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you We're all all right We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin.
! So, my mom and I were at The Hub getting ice cream and we caught Donna with Casey skipping school.
And she was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon.
It was like- It was like Sue Ellen on Dallas.
You went to The Hub for ice cream with your mommy? ( Chuckles ) Why would you tell me that? Hyde, the point is, he went for ice cream without us.
You cannot pick up a phone? You know who can't pick up a phone? Jackie.
I broke up with her and she never calls to even say hi or to offer me sad, but hot break-up sex.
I mean, that's just selfish.
Guys, my mom's over at the Pinciottis' right now telling Bob about Donna being drunk.
You can't do that kind of stuff in the middle of the afternoon.
It'll mess with your-your-your- your-your-your- thinking thing.
You know what I'm saying.
Yeah, you got to stay sharp, man.
That's why I keep myself pure until 3:00.
That's why I keep myself pure until 2:00.
( Chuckles ) I'm not wearing a watch.
Hey, you know what? Donna getting busted is actually great for me because now she's got to realize what a jackass Casey is.
And when she dumps him I'll be standin' right here with open arms and a gentle ''I told you so.
'' Oh, yeah, that could happen.
After all, I mean I made that girl a woman.
I madeJackie a woman like, a thousand times.
We stole dead fish.
Dead fish? What are you going to do with dead fish? You're missing the point, man! We stole dead fish! Ah, you just don't get it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I just came by- - I miss you.
- What? - What? - Did you say you missed me? - No.
- Look,just say you miss me.
- Fine, I miss you! Michael, I miss you too.
And look, I was thinking, since we broke up because I kissed another guy what if I let you kiss another girl? I mean, we would be even, and we could get back together.
Jackie, if you think that me kissin' another girl is going to bring us closer together I'm totally willing to make that sacrifice.
Thank you, Michael.
- Yeah.
I better go wash my face.
- Okay.
Ah, this fish is so stinky.
What the hell are we going to do with the stinky? It's simple, man.
We're gonna find a place to hide the stinky and ruin someone's day.
Now, question is: where, how and who? ( Angelic Choir ) The answer is: there, that and Kelso.
Oh, it's like a bowl- a bowl for the stinky.
And we will put it, and he'll never find it, and it will smell forever! What the hell's going on with you? You're grounded! No arguments! Dad, I'm not grounded.
Okay, well, then, whatever you think is best.
No, not whatever she thinks is best.
You are grounded.
Hey, you're not my mother.
You have no say in what I do.
Well, she's got you there.
Okay, let's see.
Which chick do I want to kiss? Oh, no, no, no, Michael.
I get to pick the girl.
But you'll pick an ''uggo.
'' You didn't call ''no uggos.
'' Hey, I just thought of something.
Your plan's good and all, but what if the girl that you pick doesn't want to kiss me? ''Doesn't want to kiss me''! And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.
She said no? Can you do that? No.
I need your help, Red.
I gotta get Donna away from that guy.
Oh, Dad, you know what's good? Threaten her with the old foot in the ass.
You know, that Casey.
How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a- a big scar or an eye patch so you can recognize them.
The problem is you know, there's a point when your kids realize you can't do nothin' to control them.
There is? No.
Now stop listening.
Bob, I don't want to get involved.
I've got enough problems with the 1 4 kids who think they live here now.
Why do I have to hold the fish? Because that's what the little buddy does.
Oh! Oh! Someone's coming.
So the guy's trying to tell me that his Z28 is the same car as my Trans Am except for the decals.
How can people be so ignorant? I see you, Donna! I see you! - Dad.
! - Don't ''Dad'' me! You're not going anywhere, not with this guy.
You're grounded again.
- How much did we miss? - Shh!Just started.
Dad, I'm gonna do whatever I want with whoever I want whenever I want to do it! We have to have a talk right now, Donna.
Mr.
Pinciotti, sir, let me just say that you're making a lot of sense here and I think that when I bring Donna home tonight you two ought to sit down and really hammer this thing out.
- Okay, that sounds fair.
- ( All Groaning ) What? - You're just gonna let her go off with him? - What else can I do? Oh, good God, that's it! Everybody in the living room.
Now! Not you.
Bob, get in here! Donna, what has gotten into you? Skipping school, showing no respect for your father.
- That's right.
- Shut up, Bob.
Okay, here's snacks.
So, um, anybody need a drink? I'll take a rum and Coke for the road.
Hey, hey, buddy, little tip? I think booze is what got you in trouble in the first place.
How could you take this girl out drinking in the middle of the day? Well, you know how it is.
All the older girls were at work.
Can I just say this guy is not boyfriend material.
I agree.
You're not going out with him anymore.
You two are done.
- No! - All right.
- What? - You got to admit this has been a real hassle.
I mean, it was fun and you're a great girl but let's just call it a day.
Wait, you're breaking up with her? Casey, I thought you said you- -you know, you said you loved me.
- Yeah.
I have this thing where I say stuff I don't really mean.
- Casey- - Look, Donna I see what you're gettin' at, and I'm not that type of guy.
Mrs.
Forman, what say we rain check that rum and Coke? Donna, I'm- I'm really sorry.
You're not sorry.
You got exactly what you wanted.
- Ow! - Ohh! Eric, someone here to see you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay.
Can I get anyone a snack? - Mom.
- Right, right.
Have to stop doing that.
So, um, how are you? Humiliated.
I'm such an idiot.
I got dumped in front of the whole world.
I don't- I don't even know what I said to your mom at The Hub and I hate that she saw me like that.
What is wrong with me? Hey, nothing.
Look, your mom left.
Come on, you're- you're allowed to freak out.
( Sighs ) Everybody warned me about Casey, and I fell for him anyway.
And he's such a jackass.
You know, I really, really wanted you to figure that out,just not like this.
Eric, I'm just- - ( Sniffles ) I'm so sorry.
- Hey.
I was so stupid.
- Eric, we should be together.
- Wait, what? Let's just, like, forget all this other stuff happened.
Wait.
Wait.
Donna, I mean if you come running back to me now I- Donna, I can't be your second choice.
But you're not.
Eric.
Oh! Oh, where am I? ( Door Closes ) Mmm.
How about I kiss her? No way.
She's too tall, too tan, too rich.
Damn,Jackie, I don't want to kiss a short, pale, poor girl.
Okay, look, Michael, all I know is I don't want to stay broken up.
Oh! Okay, you know what, you choose.
Kiss any girl you want.
I choose you.
Michael, that is the most romantic thing I've ever read, heard about or seen on TV.
Yeah, it was pretty romantic.
I could tell while I was doing it.
- Oh, God.
- What? No, it's just- Look, one week you break up with me, and the next week you're Prince Charming? I'm an incredibly complex man,Jackie.
Michael, I can't do this anymore.
Look, Michael, if you want to choose me, then choose me.
I mean, really choose me.
Let's get married.
What? Michael, all our problems are because we haven't decided we're gonna be together forever.
So let's decide.
Hold on.
You want to get married? Yes, Michael! Yes, I accept! Oh! Oh, my God! You know what? I gotta go tell my dad.
And you-you have to buy a ring.
( Gasps ) Just think about it: We are going to be the Burkhart-Kelsos! The Who-hart What-os? ( Squeals ) Michael and I are getting married! Yeah, we heard.
That's why we're decorating the van.
But- But not with fish.
Ow! Let me get this straight.
Donna wanted to get back together and you said no? I said no.
You said no? Dumb-ass! Look, I have my reasons, okay? What could they be? What could they possibly be? Casey dumps her and she comes to me? Okay, I'm not a rebound.
So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete.
The only smart thing about you is your mouth.
And look at you.
Red- Red, he looks fine.
He's just so darn stupid! I'm- I'm very upset.
! Well, stop, okay? Because, I already feel bad enough as it is.
- Well, you should.
- Well, I do! I love her.
God, why do I always have to screw these things up, you know? Why does everything always have to be my way? That's why we broke up in the first place.
Uh-huh, well, we've all known that for a year! Okay.
Okay, I have to tell Donna how I feel.
Then go! Oh, Red.
I know.
We're never gonna get him out of the house.
Donna? Oh, hello, Mr.
Pinciotti, Mrs.
- I'm sorry,Joanne.
I don't know your last name.
I have something to tell you guys.
I love Donna.
Well, she isn't here.
We don't know where she is.
And-And it's Stupak.
Well, uh, if it's okay, I'll just wait.
Sure.
I always liked you.
Oh, thank you, sir.
But do me a favor.
Don't play with her undergarments.
Somethin' reeks! Man! - Where are you goin'? - Bus station.
I'm going to my mom's in California.
Oh, my God.
You're runnin' away.
I don't know what else to do.
No, I know how you feel.
Jackie wants to get married.
To me! What? Look, a lot of people don't know this about us, butJackie's pretty much in charge.
So it might happen.
But it won't happen if I'm not here.
You know what, I'll drive you.
We'll both go to California.
Kelso, are you up for this? Hey, if the Beverly Hillbillies can do it, so can I.
Great, let's go.
Oh, my God.
What stinks? This town, baby.
- ( Engine Starts ) - We're leaving that smell behind.
Whew! ( Soft Rock ) ( Bluegrass ) Kelso! I'm not gonna tell you again! Well, I was reaching for my soda.
Damn! Man, Iowa smells like fish too.
Should have taken the bus.