Duckman (1994) s04e28 Episode Script

(Pachelbel's "Canon in D" concluding) Ben, son of Ben, do you take this woman for your lawful wedded wife? I do.
And Dana Katherine, daughter of unbelievably gorgeous gentiles, do you take this man for your lawful wedded husband? I do.
I'll hurry before she regains her sight.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
(cheering) ("Hava Nagila" plays) I don't know where Duckman could be.
The New York Pornography Expo ended three days ago.
Why isn't he back yet? I'm sure Duckman's fine.
Besides, it might be worse if he does show up.
Bernice is going to reveal her secret today, and, well, when Duckman finds out It'll make Bosnia look like a foot rub from Perry Como.
Duckman's never seen Ben's bride.
Can you imagine what he's going to say to Dana when he sees how beautiful she is? I once saw him do ten minutes of insultingly crude and leering come-ons to a heavily veiled Iraqi transsexual in a full body cast.
When he meets this incredible woman She's so wonderful and he's so well Unbelievably lucky? Yeah.
But they sure are happy.
Yeah.
Weddings, you know.
Yeah.
* Oh, I am the Duckman * * Oh, Duckman, I gotta be, I am * * Duckman * Dad.
Hey, hey, hey.
Dad, where have you been? You've even beaten your previous tardiness record which you set at your grandmother's funeral.
Yeah, I remember.
No way I leave an REO Speedwagon concert before they play "Roll with the Changes.
" Look, I'll explain when we get to our table.
We're not at your table.
We're stuck at the kiddy table with all the neighbor kids.
Scott Desalvo keeps touching me.
It's creepy.
Just come over to our table in a little bit 'cause I have some news.
And bring Ajax.
Where is he, anyway? Over there.
Dr.
and Mrs.
Stein, thank you for inviting me to your wedding.
I hope you are blessed with a child and that it is a masculine child and, um damn.
Dr.
and Mrs.
Stein, thank you for inviting me Once you can move him without waking him, come on over.
Talk about your party animals what time is your next blink? Where have you been? Are you all right? Duckman, we've been waiting.
I'm tip-top from top to tip.
I'm sorry if you were worried, but I'll explain everything.
Where's Bernice? Um, she and her date must be running late.
Bernice has a date? I thought the escort services banned her for biting.
They did.
This isn't an escort.
She's seeing someone.
In fact, it's someone you know.
Well, that rules out my sons' teachers, my elected officials and everyone on UPN.
So, who's Lizzie Boredom been whacking? Is every b-b-body happy? King chicken! You and him! Him and you! Before you get your 'roids ruffled, listen up.
We're in love! That's right, I, your arch enemy and he, your arch nemesis are an item.
We're sick of sneaking around behind your back.
We're here, we sneer, we jeer, get used to it.
You two are going out together? (laughs) Well, he seems to be taking it well.
Yeah, that's what Stanford White said when Harry Thaw showed up at the Garden.
They're called books, kids.
Try reading one.
I've never seen Dad look like this before.
He looks happy.
Duckman, what's going on? I'm sorry, really.
This is just too perfect.
Duckman glad you could come.
Baron von Dockenstein.
Rocky congratsiano to you and the blusher.
While I haven't a clue what you're saying I'll take your air of bonhomie at face value.
What you said.
So, where is the old trouble and strife? Let's see what made this miss a hit.
WOMAN: Hi.
Why is everyone sneaking up behind me today? (celestial theme playing) Everyone, this is my lovely bride, Dana Renard.
Dana, this is Charles and Mambo and Ajax and their aunt Bev, her boyfriend Cornfed, his partner Duckman, his sister-in-law Bernice, her boyfriend King Chicken and his cousin, international film star Kevin Bacon.
Ben-o, beaucoups de mazel tovs.
And Dana, congratulations on being able to see what a kind and caring person Stein's got stashed inside.
(chuckling): Oh, thank you, Duckman.
I'm glad you'll be our neighbor.
He's really nice.
What a great couple.
All right, who are you and what have you done with Duckman? (laughs) Bernice, I don't blame you for being confused.
The truth is, I have something to tell all of you.
I'm in love, and you'll never believe who with.
She must still be out looking for a parking Whoa! Here I am.
My little lover man.
ALL: Honey Chicken?! Hi, y'all.
So, can you believe it? Me and Duckman an item.
Honey and Duckman? Hey, what are you doing here? He's with me, and we're in love.
Really? Well then what's the big deal to Kingy if we see each other? Yeah, what's it to you, King? Yeah, what's it to you, King? Why, nothing, of course.
Duckman, how did this happen? It's a really romantic story.
You tell them, Honey.
Oh, I'm no good with stories.
Well, okay.
A few months ago, I realized I couldn't control my drinking 'cause I was always drunk.
I'd hit bottom.
So I divorced Kingy.
I set out to somehow change my life.
It was tough but I managed to get sober and so far, stay sober.
So, to celebrate, I decided to take a trip to New York.
Here's the me part.
Here's the me part.
That's right, honey bunny.
Who was I seated next to on the flight to New York but Duckman.
But then the plane developed, uh, engine trouble.
There's a monster on the wing! There's a monster on the wing! HONEY: We thought we were going to die.
(screaming) HONEY: Fortunately, the captain was able to make an emergency landing.
We were bruised and shaken.
Mostly bruised.
But we were alive and we realized we were also in love.
(projector buzzing) By the time we got to New York all we wanted to do was be with each other.
Right, cutie butt? You better believe it, my little chitlin goo.
I knew Honey was beautiful and sexy and sweet and kind.
But I also saw how strong she is and how brave and how much she believes in me.
And I want to see it every day for the rest of my life.
Duckman, you magnificently sentimental bastard.
Are you asking Honey to marry you? Oh, uh, well, uh Don't answer that, Duckman.
I have something to say.
Bernice, what the idiot said touched me deep inside where my desire meets my longing and causes love to bubble over the side of the glass that is my heart.
You should tilt your heart when you pour longing in.
Bernice, this seems incredibly coincidental, but will you marry me? But should we? Do you think it would work? I mean, what do we really have in common other than an unquenchable lust for each other and a hatred of Duckman? There's only one way to find out.
In the movie Clue, which was your favorite ending? A, B or C? Why choose when the video cassette has all three? Oh, baby, will you marry me? Yes! Boy, real life really is stranger than fiction.
Duckman, were you really asking me to marry you? Well, as a matter Duckman, I'm sorry to interrupt you but strange as it may seem I'm going for the hat trick.
Bev, no relationship I've ever been in feels this right, and I've dated Joan Lunden.
Will you do me the honor of giving me your hand in marriage? Of course I will, Corny.
Cool.
Look, sweetie, I know that you were put on the spot.
Duckman, you don't have to marry me if you don't want.
I'll still love you just the same.
And I'll still be your cuddle bug no matter what.
Okay? Break out the Fresca.
We're getting married! (applause and cheering) Hey.
Am I the first one? Yeah.
King's not here yet and the girls are fitting bridesmaids' dresses or fluffing monogrammed napkin rings or registering toilet seat cozy patterns.
Something.
They'll be here any minute.
In all the excitement we haven't had a chance to sit as friends and reflect on the enormous changes we're about to go through.
We should take some time to share.
That's enough of that.
Thank God.
To be honest, I was worried how the boys would react to my marrying my arch nemesis' ex-wife but they're really taking it well.
So, it's decided.
When this hideous marriage screws up our heads, Charles and I will stick up convenience stores.
And Ajax, you'll become a street hustler.
I'm way ahead of you.
I'm afraid the whole thing will get called off if the ladies don't stop squabbling over the wedding plans.
Whose bonehead idea was it to do a triple wedding in the first place? I believe it was yours.
Oh.
Yeah.
It was me.
Forget it.
Anyway, our problem is King you-know-who.
Talk about pushy.
You're right.
If that overgrown squab wags his finger at me one more time I'm going to break it off! Don't you mean (imitates clucking): Break it off? (both laughing) That raucous laughter can only mean one thing-- a new dirty joke! Come on, let me hear it.
Oh, it was, uh Nothing.
Oh, now, now, now.
I might think the laughter was at my expense.
(clucking laughter) Oh, fine.
Well, then, maybe I'll just leave.
Kingy! Are you throwing another one of your famous hissy fits? This really (everybody talking at once) Okay, everyone sit down! Let's try to spend one friggin' evening planning this miserable wedding without fighting! Boy,was that not the right thing to say! Well! Sometimes I think you dread this wedding more than anything else on Earth.
Now, now, butter buckles, you know that's not true.
The thing I dread most is E!'s Gossip Show.
(tittering) There you go.
Now, let's all try to get along, okay? Duckman's right.
Now, we're here to plan a wedding.
This is supposed to be a happy occasion, remember? (grumbling) Okay, okay, listen.
Now, let's just try to get to the real problems without finger-pointing, without blame, without accusations, okay? Great.
Now, King, why don't you go first since you're the one ruining this for everyone.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
King, really, I was just kidding.
No, no, I'm well aware that you all resent me for "taking over" the wedding plans.
It's just that ever since I was a little boy I've always dreamed of the perfect wedding-- the decorations and the bridesmaids' gowns and the flowers well, what little boy hasn't daydreamed about all that? I know none of you think the wedding coordinator matters but I'm telling you, it does! A successful affair has got to have a concept-- an overriding theme-- the ties, the decor the food, the clothes, the entire experience into a cohesive whole.
"A taffeta-tacular in Candyland"? Don't you just love it?! Yes.
I love it.
It's (whispering): Yummy.
Yes.
Yummy.
Good.
Then that's settled.
Well on a less flesh-crawling note, I have a problem with the seating arrangement.
My relatives are sitting by the band and it'll be too loud.
What do you mean? Our relatives are all the way in the back by the kitchen.
I'm talking about my relatives.
Since when do you have relatives I don't? You're an orphan.
I know I'm an orphan, Bernice.
I consider the people I grew up with at the orphanage to be my relatives.
Oh After all, I've known them a lot longer than you.
Bev.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Because you've known me a hell of a lot longer than you've known Hamboneover there! Again with the pig jokes? Then why don't we talk about the way you two rut with each other like godless hogs.
Yeah.
We never do that.
W-W-W-Wait-wait.
What was that? For the first time tonight I heard something interesting.
Bev, what are you saying? That he's never foamed your runway? He's never jacked your Valenti? Woolied your mammoth? Sha-na-ed your na? Silenced your lamb? Johned your 316? Pardoned your Nixon? We're waiting for the honeymoon.
Sue me.
I'm old-fashioned.
Sure.
He's old-fashioned but she wanted a screwdriver.
Oh, yeah.
Look who's talking.
What's that supposed to mean? You are just like Cornfed, you big hypocrite-- refusing to have sex until after we're married.
What?! You'll be lucky if you get it after you're married.
I never did.
What?! Honey, are you telling me in the nine years you were married to King, you never once had sex? That's a lie.
Honey, we had sex constantly.
And Bernice, you and I are always having sex.
I don't believe it.
What? Uh, King, the things we did that's, um that's not sex.
Get out! Then what DUCKMAN: King (whistles) Come here.
(whispering) (gagging) (vomiting) (laughing) (snorting laugh) This is not funny! Bernice, come on.
That's funny.
So, we all okay? Full steam a-wed? I'd like to bring up this horrible napkin color.
I mean, who likes twill, for God's sake? Twill was John-John's napkin color.
Hey, Kingy.
Penis.
(vomiting) Bernice, I have two questions for you.
Who are you? And who the hell do you think you are? (all talking at once) (loud whistle) That's it! I've had it.
It's like you're trying to tear this wedding apart.
I've been looking for this kind of love ever since Beatrice died.
This is my chance to be happy and you're not going to take that away! So here's the way it's going to work.
I'm taking over the wedding, I'm planning it and it will not be perfect.
There will be a lot of things you'll hate and it's okay because you'll honestly be able to tell everyone "Hey, it's not my fault; Duckman screwed up.
" All right? Are we agreed? Good.
Meeting over! (door closing) It's like a fairy tale, isn't it? (King vomiting) (church bells ringing) Friends of bride "A" in quadrant A-one to G-six.
Groom "A" in quadrant A-six to M-six.
Groom "B" in quadrant Good afternoon.
My name is Coco L'available, and I am a professional lounge singer, as well as Mr.
Duckman's dental hygienist.
Not for deep scaling and calculus and stuff.
Just for cleaning.
And he has permitted me to offer my gift of song to you and yours today to celebrate he and his wedded bliss for always.
(clearing throat) Oh, and since mr.
Duckman's organ is not functioning I will be singing these a cappella selections with no accompaniment.
(singing to the tune of "The Wedding March") * It's wedding day * * It's wedding day * (off-key): * It's wedding d-a-a-ay * * It's wedding day * She was ordained in Puerto Guano.
I figured she'd be like Switzerland.
Neutral? Oh! I thought she'd give us chocolate, but you're right-- she's neutral, too.
Shut up! You're making me sicker.
Wow! Kevin Bacon.
My teacher's sister works with your uncle's brother-in-law.
DUCKMAN: Sit down! * Here come the brides * * Here come the brides * Ow! Ooh! Ooh! (men grunting) * the brides * * He-He-Here come the brides * * Here * Dearly beloved Yes, sweetie-pie? Oh, right.
Sorry.
The couples have chosen to exchange their own vows.
Duckman? Right here! I'm gonna do the vows for everyone.
And I don't think there's anything I could say that would express the love we all share better than this quote from a great American.
"As I stood in that Chicago hotel room "and heard that Nicole was dead, "I remembered how completely not at the scene I was "when it happened "and all I could do was run into the bathroom "break a glass and then head back to L.
A.
To get my passport and my fake beard.
" (sobbing) * It's wedding day * Wow Uh (clears throat) I mean, do you, Eric Tiberius Duckman, Willobald Fivel Cornfed and George Herbert Walker Chicken take these women to be your lawful wedded wives? We do.
We do.
Cluck-cluck.
Do you, Honey Ursula Bacon, Bernice Florence Hufnagel and Beverly Glen Hufnagel take these men to be your lawful wedded husbands? ALL: We do.
* It's wedding * ALL: Will you shut up? Thank you.
The rings? (grunting) Oy, skip the rings.
If anyone knows why these couples shouldn't be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
(farting) Doesn't count.
Then I pronounce you husbands and wives.
Kiss 'em if you got 'em.
(applause and cheering) WOMAN: Stop! Stop the wedding! So solly.
Too late.
You should (gasping) (gasping) (all gasping) DUCKMAN: Beatrice! Beatrice? Beatrice? Beatrice? Who's Beatrice? My wife.
Uh, uh, my first wife.
I-I mean you're alive.
Well, yeah, sure I am.
Didn't Cornfed ever tell you? (guests gasp) Uh, Duckman, I can explain.
* a-a-aay * * A-a-aay * * A-a-aaaaay * * It's wedding day * * It's wedding day * * It's wedding da-a-y * (takes deep breath): * a-a-ay * Does that do it? That is it.
I think that's it.
Okay.