In Living Color (1990) s04e28 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a tripand sip on a dream Glide with the guideon a funky scene Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe butsome of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go Hi.
I'm Loomis Simmons.
Would you like to know your "footure"? Well, now you can with the Loomis Simmons Psychic Line.
Yes, find out all the things you've only dreamt of knowing.
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just by picking up the phone.
The first 15 seconds is free, except for two dollars.
Each additional 15 seconds is a whole lot more.
- Let's listen in.
- [Recorded Voice.]
Welcome to the future.
I predict your next phone bill will be two dollars higher.
I predict your next phone bill will be four dollars higher.
I predict your next phone bill will be six dollars higher.
"Spookening," isn't it? A lot of people say to me.
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"Loomis, how can this be a psychic line.
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when all you get is a recorded message?" And I say, " Shut up.
Who are you to question a psychic?" Let's look at some examples of my psychic ability at work.
Will I find happiness? Yes.
Will my business be successful? Hell, no.
Where will I meet the man of my dreams? In your damn dreams.
Now let's listen to both of my satisfied customers.
Loomis said I would win the lottery and quit my job.
Today I quit my job.
I'm halfway there! Thanks, Loomis.
It's fantastic.
I love it.
International stars of stage and screen.
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rely on me to answer important questions about their career.
[Ringing.]
Here's a call now.
Hello, Loomis.
This is Todd Bridges.
Will I go before the camera again? Yes, "Tarred.
" A surveillance camera.
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in a 7-11, wearin' a ski mask.
Just dial: But stop dialin' after the first seven letters.
Remember, you must be over 18 to call.
But yo, kids, who's gonna know how old you are over the phone? Certainly not Loomis.
So don't hide from your "footure.
" Call the Loomis Simmons Psychic Line.
Call today.
Call it.
I know you will.
I can feel it.
The Psychic Line wants you.
Sometimes stuff happens that's like really, really unfair.
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and you can't turn to adults because.
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let's face it.
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sometimes they just don't get it.
I mean, who's the future of this country? Us, right? And things'll be different when we're runnin' the show.
But for now, MTV, the coolest network on the planet.
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has established this forum: MTV's Teen Court.
[People Chattering.]
Okay, hey, um, shut up.
Okay, um.
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.
Okay, everybody sit down.
Uh, um, hi.
Um, I've read your complaints, and I know you've been sworn in and everything.
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but, uh, I haven't eaten anything today except Milk Duds and Slim Fast.
I'm feeling kinda dizzy, so if you could just tell me again what your problem is? Well, if it please the court, Your Honor, you know the supermodel Naomi Campbell? Well, yeah.
Well, Kenny here says that she had a major boob job, but I say that she's all natural.
I'm telling you, man, God doesn't make anything that sweet.
Hey, man, wait a minute.
Did you see the George Michael video? I mean, man, she had those like liquid like texture.
Man, you can't get that from silicone.
Yeah? How would you know? Hey, well, look who's talking, man.
Last time you had a breast, man, it had Kentucky Fried Chicken written on the side of it.
Um, excuse me, but, uh.
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what exactly am I supposed to do about this issue? We were just thinking that maybe you could get Naomi Campbell to come down here.
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and maybe we could.
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[Clicks Tongue.]
God, you two are total jerks.
I hereby sentence you to two months hard labor after school.
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at that Long John Silver's on Ventura Boulevard.
Next case! Hi.
What's your problem? He asked me out, and he's really lame.
Well, duh! Tell me something I don't know.
Um, he's really, really lame.
Your Honor, I request that that remark be stricken from the record.
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on the grounds that I love her unconditionally and till the end of all.
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Oh, my God, you really are lame.
Citing the precedent of Brady Bunch episode #74.
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"Marcia v.
The Secret Admirer," I rule for the plaintiff.
Um, what about the one where Peter hits Marcia in the nose with a football.
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and it swells up all huge, and she misses the dance? - What about it? - I like that one.
I like that one too! "Ow, my nose!" - "Ow, my nose!" - Your Honor! I hereby submit Star Trek episode #18.
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"Doomsday Machine," where the omnipotent being came down from the.
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Geek, geek, geek! [Scoffs.]
I'm gonna have to impose on you that thing.
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where you can't, like, go within 50 feet of anyone breathing.
- A restraining order? - Yeah, that's right, Booger Bob.
And I also find you guilty of ultra grossness.
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and sentence you to go to a dermatologist.
And wipe your nose! [Sniffs.]
Motion for appeal.
Yeah, right.
Hold your breath.
Court is adjourned.
I gotta get this robe off.
It's making me break out in hives.
Well, that brings to a close the case of the lamest geek in the galaxy.
Here comes the defendant now.
Dude, you must feel like quite a loser.
Beam me up, Scotty.
There's no intelligent life down here.
Oh, lame, lame, lame, lame, lame.
Well, be sure to tune in next time.
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and always remember everyone's entitled to a fair trial.
This is America, right? So don't settle things in gym during recess.
Take 'em to Teen Court.
There you go.
We are almost finished.
Now here's the pièce de résistance.
- Hey, that's beautiful.
Take a look.
- [Coughing.]
[Screams.]
Hey, man, what did you do? I look like Don King.
No, boy, I got news for you.
You look like Buckwheat.
So I should know.
I'm the one made Don King look like Don King, man.
I know, sucker.
Now all the "womens" gonna be runnin' right after you.
They gonna be runnin' from me.
I look like the heat miser.
Oh, I did his hair too, sucker.
I did everybody's hair.
All Sharpton, Milli and Vanilli, El DeBarge, all the big stars.
This is the last time you're gonna do mine.
I'm gone.
Where's my tip, sucker? Now, Mac, why did you tell that boy them lies? You know you ain't never done none of those people's hair.
- Well, how's that? - I said you ain't never done none of them people's hair.
- Well, fine, thank you.
Move your feet, sucker.
Move your feet.
- Hey.
You gotta quit treatin' people like you treat 'em.
Somebody gonna slap you upside your head.
Oh, no, I ain't constipated no more, but thanks for askin'.
Who did my baby's hair like this? You're gonna have to talk to him over there.
Mac did his hair.
Uh, what kind of barber are you? I sent my son down here.
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for a simple trim and a little off the sides, and look what you did.
Well, you look like a damn frog.
What'd you say, sucker? I said you messed up my son's hair.
Oh, you left somethin' on the chair.
Well, let's see.
I paid 10 dollars for my son to have his hair cut and not butchered.
I want my money back.
Well, what you want? A tail in the back? Can you hear me? I said I want my money back.
Now, if you want another conk in here, that's gonna cost you extra.
We are never coming back here again.
Come on.
Well, shoot, they all come back now.
They all come back.
You gonna be back too.
Whoopi Goldberg, Patti LaBelle, Ross.
Shoot, even James Brown done come back.
Now, you know you're crazy.
Why would James Brown come way down here.
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in this old rundown barbershop way down here in the hood? Hey, what's that? Hey, what's-what's-what's the wait like in here, man? - There ain't no wait, Mr.
Brown.
Get on up, boy.
- Hey, you.
Hey, hey, Sam, you ain't finished with my hair.
I don't wanna take anybody's turn.
What about this chair here? - Who's next? - Oh, you are, sucker.
Come on.
Sit down.
Here you go.
Sit down.
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
Comin' right up.
I'm gonna be with you in a minute.
Here we go.
Watch this.
Hey! Now what you want, sucker? Well, I just want you to trim the sides a little and put a line in the back.
So you want your name across the side and tail in the back? I want you to trim the sides and put a little line in the back.
- Oh, wh-what you want? East coast or west coast? - A what? What you want? A blowout? I can get you some strong conk.
Now, you want conk? Man, I don't know what you talkin' about.
Point to what you want, sucker, on the wall.
Point to what you want.
He can't hear you very well there, Mr.
Brown.
Oh, all right.
Right over there.
That one.
Now look here.
You ain't got to shout, sucker.
Somebody 'bout to get cut.
I can hear you.
One Al Sharpton coming up! Yep, here we go.
Watch out, man.
[Indistinct.]
Yeah, that's it.
[Clears Throat.]
There you go, sucker.
Ten dollars.
Wow! Good God! Oh, I know it's a good job now, but give me my money.
You know, I got to leave from here.
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because I'm gonna do something I'll regret.
And another thing: You need some help.
- You oughta get education.
- Where's my tip, sucker? Hey, watch your step there, Mr.
Brown.
You don't wanna.
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Look at that.
Was that Little Richard? [Hip-hop.]
[Continues.]
Today we're highlighting the life of a lesser-known ex-contender.
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Carl "The Tooth" Williams, always known as.
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the sparring partner's sparring partner.
He has made more appearances in the ring than any other boxer in history.
He's taken blows from the very best.
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Joe Louis, George Foreman, Muhammad Ali, just to name a few.
Um, Tooth, now what is it that all these great boxers have in common? Uh, they all kicked my.
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I can see that.
A lot of people say.
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you look like a Barnum & Bailey clown that's been run over by a damn truck.
- How do you respond to that? - Well, that's cool and all that.
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uh, but, you know, I had done that for a minute.
But my boxin' skills is what has brought me from.
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from the ground floor, you know.
And plus with my.
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with my hood, you know, rolling boxers.
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we rolled up like that, you know.
Is that some sort of a gang you're in there? Yeah, it's a boxing gang, you know, 'cause we do like drive-by punches.
You know, we drive up.
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boom.
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bust somebody's head.
[Yells.]
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Dude, you know what I'm sayin', what I'm sayin'? - [Indistinct.]
- Well, that is incredible.
Now, why exactly do they call you The Tooth? Basically, I got one tooth, and it's a strategy behind that.
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'cause I figure if I only got one tooth.
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they can't focus in on all my "teefeses" and knock 'em out.
- So I keep one.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
- What is all this about? - Man, this, uh.
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this is a promotional thing.
What we do is, I'm tryin' to help, you know.
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the kids in the hood and all that whole thing.
So if they come in and knock me out.
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they get a free meal, you know.
- But Tyson ain't showed.
- Mm-hmm.
I done wrote letters and everything.
He ain't showed.
- So, you know, I'm just doin' it myself.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, what's this all about? If I knock you out, I get a free dinner? Ain't that what the sign says? Ain't it what it says? - I'll give this a shot.
- Well, bring it on.
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[Grunts.]
[Muttering, Groaning.]
What in the smelly hell did you do that for? If you knock him out, you get a free dinner.
- You don't say.
- [Mutters, Grunts.]
- [Indistinct Shouting.]
- Tooth, Tooth, are you all right? Hey, man, don't stop me.
Don't stop me.
Get in the car.
Get in the car.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Get in the car, girl.
Get in the car, girl.
Let's roll up, girl.
Roll up.
Uh, uh, Tooth, I think.
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I think you're having a flashback.
Oh, oh, oh.
Well, basically, he had hit me in the head.
That's happened before.
- And like I said, basically boxing got my head dizzy.
- Mm-hmm.
But, you know, he didn't hit me like I had been hit.
Uh, Tooth, you were knocked out.
Now, I saw your face wrapped around his fist.
Any comments? See, that's what you had seen, but that's like theJedi of boxing theory.
- Mm-hmm.
- When they swing and they hit my face.
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that's actually hittin' the back of my head.
- And that's what keeps me on point.
- Mm.
Oh, this is sweet.
Jimmy, go over there and let Mama take your picture with the champ.
Go on now.
I bet you lookin' here in a personal way.
I bet you want an "aumograph" or somethin' from the champ.
- Don't you, boy? - No, I want a free dinner.
[Grunts.]
Hey, man! That was sweet.
Now come on.
Let's get our free meal.
Hey, that's that girl from Star Trek, ain't it? Anyway, man, that was a low blow.
I want a reach.
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I want a rematch, man.
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'cause I want Tyson, man, you know, and I want Tyson, and I want the kid too, man.
Uh, Tooth, ahem, you know, a lot of people say maybe you're past your prime.
- Straight up.
Straight up.
- And we all know you've suffered very many medical setbacks: Two detached retinas, swelling of the brain and the heart.
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two strokes and a heart transplant.
Uh, now, exactly how old are you? Uh, man, I ain't but 16 and a half, man.
But, uh, I'm in the record books, man.
Uh, as you see, Muhammad Ali.
- Mm-hmm.
- Straight up.
- Uh, Larry "Helmes.
" - Mm-hmm.
Straight up.
And the one and onlyJerry Cornbread.
- I tighten 'em up, man, 'cause I be.
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- That's very interesting.
- Very interesting.
- Boom, boom.
Hey, you know, 'cause I need some Tyson.
You know what I'm sayin'? Look to me like you need a dentist.
Well, you look like you need a punch in your face, LaWanda.
What's up? What you gonna do? Huh? Huh? Wow, that was simply incredible.
Unbelievable.
How do you feel? Forget Mike Tyson.
He's in jail.
I want Riddick Bowe! Riddick Bowe! - I wanna punch her.
That's what I want.
- Let me at him! - Get in the car, girl! Get in the car, girl! - Let me at him! My name is Jim Hill, and we'll be back after this message.
[Shouting Continues.]
Hey, what's up? I'm D.
J.
Twist.
From the Boogie Down Bronx we have Showbiz & A.
G.
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featuring Dres from Black Sheep.
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singin' "Bounce to This.
" Here we go.
Hey, yo.
Hey, yo.
This is Showbiz with Showbiz & A.
G.
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and I brung my partner A.
G.
And my man Dres from Black Sheep.
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as we blow for '93, yo.
[Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]