In Living Color (1990) s04e29 Episode Script

[Man.]
This week, the bad boys of comedy.
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bring you In Living Color's best commercial parodies.
[Big Band.]
Do you enjoy the fabulous resort cities? Atlantic City, Las Vegas, Reno, Lake.
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.
Tahoe? Do you have as much free time as I do? Then what are you waitin' on? Get yourself a "Players Club.
" You'll receive up to 110% off.
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on shows, rooms and meals.
With the Players Club, you'll get V.
I.
P.
Treatment, baby.
I'll have a suite with a heart-shaped bed.
I'm sorry, we.
.
.
Uhh! - [Rings.]
- Bellboy! And with the club, there's no problem gettin' good seats.
- Tony! Can you fit me in? - No, man, l.
.
.
Uhh! Bingo.
Front row.
Use the Players Club in casinos, banks.
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.
or anywhere else you wanna throw your weight around.
The Players Club: It's a moocher's dream.
I won! I won! I won! [Screams.]
I won! - Well, let me help you count it.
- Ohh! "Who clubs ya, baby?" Twenty.
40.
60.
And one for you.
Twenty.
.
.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go Well, now that the F.
D.
A.
Has banned silicone breast implants.
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I better call the doctor and have them removed.
[Man.]
Wait! Stop what you're doing! Why? These are no good for me.
[Chuckles.]
That's what you think.
But did you know.
.
.
you could be throwing awayhours of fun? But I can't keep these.
Silicone isn't safe.
No, not silicone: SillyCone.
Yes, like Silly Putty, SillyConeis the breast you can play with.
Take it on thejobto relieve stress.
Copy your favorite comic strip.
- [Chattering.]
- They're great fun at birthday parties.
You can evenmake them do tricks.
SillyCone comes in three sizes:Bouncy, Meaty, and Grandma.
Hey there, little boy.
I said, hey there, little boy.
Well, you may be ignoring me now, but I'm taking steroids.
And steroids make my body balloon up.
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and they also give me the strength of 20 men.
So while you may choose to ignore me now.
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.
[Snarling.]
[In Deep Voice.]
Pretty soon I'll be so pumped up and bloated.
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.
you'll have no choice but to pay attention to me.
Come here, stud pants.
Let's play missile silo.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.
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.
Then after a while, the steroids will begin to affect my body's inner mechanisms.
My ovaries will shrink to the size of tiny raisins.
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and I'll also have kidney failure.
Then pretty soon I'll be doing public service announcements against steroids.
Then, I really start to deteriorate.
[Growling.]
- [Groans, Strangles.]
- [Hissing.]
That whole "body falling apart" thing.
.
.
that's still a good five or six years away.
In the meantime, Vera says.
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"Live fast, die young and pretty.
" [Whinnies.]
[Man.]
Steroids:Live fast, die young and pretty.
They're underfed, they're hungry.
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.
Their lives slowly wasting away because they haven't got enough food.
Hello, I'm Sally Struthers.
For just 50 cents a day, the price of an apple fritter.
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you can help feed someone who can't afford to feed himself.
The meals are free, they're nourishing, and.
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best of all, they're pretty darn tasty.
Are you gonna finish this? Your donation to the Feed the Planet Foundation is totally tax deductible.
Just think of it: You're reaching out.
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and you're giving these people hope.
And.
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.
Biscuits? I love biscuits! Mm-mm! Please send your donation today.
Just remember: Fifteen dollars a month.
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the price of a Grand Slam breakfast and ten Dove Bars.
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you can give these people the sustenance that they now so desperately need.
Please try to hurry, though.
I've been here for six months.
.
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and these people just seem to be getting hungrier and hungrier.
I can't understand it.
You're supposed to reach out and touch them.
Remember, for just $180 a year.
.
.
the price of 12 buckets of chicken and a Super Big Gulp Dr.
Pepper.
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you can give these people sustenance! Just call 555-FEED-ME.
Give it to me! Just give me a bite! Please make that call.
[Hip-Hop.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Ends.]
[Cheering.]
He's safe! Don't look so down, son.
It wasn't your fault.
Yes, it was, Dad.
I played horrible the whole game.
- Just wasn't myself.
- It looks like your confidence is down.
Is there something on your mind? I don' know.
I just don't feel.
.
.
- Fresh? - Well, yeah.
It's hard to concentrate when you're worried about.
.
.
masculine hygiene, isn't it? Yeah.
I mean.
.
.
What should I do about it? - Try these.
- "Tes-T-Shields"? They're protective linings you put in your cup to give you more confidence.
[Man.]
Each Tes-T-Shieldis filled with tiny air tunnels.
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.
allowing cool air to circulatethroughout your cup.
At the same time, aroma sensorsrelease an exhilarating fragrance.
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.
helping you stay fresh all day.
Wow! Test-T-Shields does all that? And more.
They even come with wings.
- Wings? What for? - Lord knows.
But the important thing is, is they're comfortable.
How do you know so much about them? - Son, do you smell that pine tar? - [Sniffing.]
- Yeah? - I'm wearing 'em right now.
Even at my age, I need a little more.
Wow, I'll give these Tes-T-Shields a try.
[Man.]
Go! Go, all right, go! - [Cheering.]
Go! Go! - He's out! - Looks like you got your confidence back.
- Thanks to you, Dad.
No, thanks to Tes-T-Shields.
[Man.]
Tes-T-Shields from Playfree.
The manly way to stay fresh.
.
.
confident, and protectedall day long.
Now available in three scents:Pine tar, herbal and cowhide leather.
[Man.]
Hey, guy.
Have you ever gone to bed.
.
.
with a woman who you thoughtlooked like Robin Givens.
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.
but when you wake up,looks more like Robin Leach? - [Screams.]
- That's what you call "coyote ugly.
" - Because you'd gnaw your own arm offto get out of there.
- [Chewing.]
Well, chew no longer, because the newCoyote Ugly Escape Kit is here.
Coyote Ugly Escape Kitis the disposable prosthetic arm.
.
.
you attach before you go to bedwith that special someone.
Simply fasten a realistic,stylish, coyote arm.
.
.
and you're all setfor those rude awakenings.
[Woman.]
What's keeping you, baby?I need your lovin'arms around me.
[Softly.]
No problem, thanks to the Coyote Ugly Escape Kit.
At the moment of revulsion,simply unfasten the hinges.
.
.
and you're free and clear, with no tornligaments or unpleasant arterial bleeding.
Yes, Coyote Ugly promises"a happy hump with no bloody stump.
" So, remember guys, with Coyote brandyou can say farewell to arms.
.
.
and farewellto last night's nightmare.
- Coyote Ugly Escape Kit, from Muttco.
- [Coyote Howling.]
Hi.
I'm George Hamilton.
Throughout my illustrious career.
.
.
I have been frequently complimented about my golden bronze pigment.
You see, with a little help from that hole in the ozone.
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.
over the years my epidermal layer has gotten so thick and leathery.
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.
that, quite frankly, it's as dead as my career.
That's why today I'm offering directly to you.
.
.
the George Hamilton Luggage Collection.
How do I know it's good? Because it's made out of my skin.
Let my loss of elasticity become your key to durability.
There's never a need to worry about those clumsy baggage handlers.
Uh-oh.
[Screaming.]
[Grunting.]
That feels good.
[Singing.]
Sigourney Weaver wears army boots, you fur ball! [Grunting.]
You think you can destroy what took me 50 years of loafing around the pool to build? Ha-ha! Give it your best shot, primate! Order now, and you'll get these matching rump hide belts.
The next time someone asks you if you know George Hamilton.
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you can say, " Know him? I beat my kids with him!" [Announcer.]
Order your collection now.
Hi.
I'm Amy Fisher.
You know, the Long Island Lolita.
- And this is Joey Buttafuoco over here.
- Hey! Joey Buttafuoco over here! Hey, girls, are you a whore? Are you good with a handgun? Do you like to have sex in a car? Are you as dumb as dip, but you still wanna make a lot of money? Then take Amy's special Bang For Your Bucks seminar.
- Tell 'em, princess.
- Three simple steps.
One, you get yourself a really sexy guy.
Hey.
Joey Buttafuoco over here.
But to land yourself a really sexy guy.
.
.
first you gotta get yourself a whole lot of hair.
Anything less than two feet ain't really sexy.
- Right, Joey? - Joey Buttafuoco over here! Step two: You get yourself a gun, and you find this guy's wife.
Then you just point and shoot.
Bada-bing, bada-bang! Step three: You sell off your movie rights, your paperback rights.
Then you look for the new sitcom on Fox.
.
.
The Buttafuocos Over Here! Hey, sure, I'm gonna spend a couple of years in the slammer.
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.
but I'm already eligible for parole in '95 over here.
And all this money spread out with three years in the clink.
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.
that works out to, per year.
.
.
Oh, she's workin' it out! I gotta put somethin'.
.
.
Well, a whole lot of money.
So, take my seminar.
Yeah, right.
I took Amy's seminar, and nobody bought my rights.
All I did was go straight to jail.
Oops.
I almost forgot the most important step.
Step number four: Make sure that you're white.
Yeah, 'cause Hollywood only buys stories.
.
.
about white people killing each other over here! Hey, duh! Now, give me a kiss here, Joey! You come here, you! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Hey, Joey! What are you kissin' that whore for? Hey, MaryJo.
I wasn't kissin' her.
I was, uh, givin' her C.
P.
R.
Over here.
- Give me a break.
- That's myJoey.
.
.
always trying to help people over here.
All right, everybody break it up.
Visiting day is over over here.
So dial 555-LO-LITER.
I'll get you more bang for your buck.
Bada-bing, bada-bang.
It's just that simple.
Call me.
- [Whispering.]
Over here? - Over here.
[Man Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
[Man.]
Welcome to Juicemania.
.
.
the show that takes a lookat the wonderful world ofjuice.
This week.
.
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theJuice Weasel.
And now, here's your host,Gordy Langston! - Hi, everybody! - [Cheering.]
Are you as excited as I'm being paid to be? We've been paid too! Oh, that's all right, and it's also incredible! Hey, let's bring out today's host.
.
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the incredible, most amazing guest we've ever had.
.
.
JuicyJay Corners! - [Cheering.]
- Come on! Wow! Wow! Wow! JuicyJay, that was an incredible feat of strength.
Thank you, Gordy.
I took my whole family on long trips like this.
Wow.
Wow, man.
Where's your family now, Jay? They're all dead.
I outlived 'em all.
That's the beauty of theJuice Weasel.
Wow.
That's incredible, huh, audience? - You! Come on up here.
- Me? Come on up! - You seem like a healthy young man.
How old are ya? - I'm 21.
- Twenty-one, huh? - Yes.
[Grunts.]
He's 21, but I'm still standin'.
I found the secret of eternal life.
I looked into God's eyes, and you know what I saw? - TheJuice Weasel.
- Hey, folks! Can you tell me what time it is? [With Audience.]
Time tojuice! [Chanting.]
Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice! [Chanting Continues.]
Gordy, that's how much organic matter you need every day.
Now, you could eat it in that form.
.
.
but sooner or later, you're gonna get tired of wiping your butt.
Another problem is fruit.
How do you get at it? Look! What do I do with it? You need to be a NASA scientist to get inside that thing.
Have you ever tried to drink a raw carrot, Gordy? [Gagging.]
It can't be done.
Wow, I get it.
Now, that's where theJuice Weasel comes in.
Yes! TheJuice Weasel separates the fiber from the juice.
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.
saving only the most essential elements.
That's the beauty of my design, Gordy.
- I want you to try something.
- Sure, Jay.
- A little concoction I made before the show.
- Okay.
[Gags.]
Ew! Ew, that tastes like somebody's dirty undershorts.
- Not just somebody's, Gordy.
They're mine.
- [Coughs.]
But, see, the undershorts are gone.
All that's left is the life-giving juice.
- That's incredible! - Isn't that great? Isn't that great? [Audience Applauding.]
See, people like to eat the bad stuff and throw away the good stuff.
Look at this celery, Gordy.
Look at it! - Where does it come from? - Uh, the dirt, Jay? - No, the soil.
- [Gasps.]
You see, the soil is the most important thing on earth.
That is Mother Earth giving us our gifts.
All life emanates from the soil.
It emanates, Gordy! See? So, what I do is knock out the middle man.
You got all the minerals you need right here.
- That's gonna be beautiful, Gordy.
- Sure is.
Right, guys? Hell with them! You know.
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another question people ask me, Gordy, is.
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.
"Jay, what am I gonna do about my finances? Groceries are too expensive.
" [Mumbling.]
Oh, ya son of a.
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.
You know? I could just go off on 'em.
I'd love to juice them sometime, you know? Just put their hand in there.
.
.
- We can't do that, can we, Jay? - [Imitates Grinding.]
You know? But, uh.
.
.
But theJuice Weasel can take yesterday's leftovers.
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and turn them into today's smoothie.
Sounds pretty good to me.
[Chuckles.]
But what do you mean, Jay? Well, here's a little bag of garbage I took off my neighbor's lawn.
- Most people throw eggshells away.
- [Grinding.]
Bad mistake.
- Oh, look at this, Gordy.
We got lucky.
- Hey, wait a minute.
We got lucky.
See? You know, when I see people throwing stuff like this away.
.
.
it just makes me want to scream.
Oh, come on now.
Insects? Don't ever question me, Gordy.
I know a lot more about nutrition than you do.
All right.
That's just about ready.
- Okay.
Now, watch this, Gordy.
- Okay, Jay.
[Man Chanting.]
Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice! [With Audience.]
Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice! [Exhales, Grunts.]
Notice anything different, Gordy? Uh, no.
What, uh, Jay? I'm invisible! Oh.
Oh, oh, right.
Yeah, that's incredible.
L-I thought you were talking about something else.
[Chuckles.]
Who are you talking to, Gordy? I'm over here! Wow.
That's incredible, isn't it, audience? You think that's great.
.
.
Oh, look.
Look! - Oh, the vegetables are flyin' by themselves.
- Ooh.
- Oh, great.
- If you think that's great, Gordy, wait till you see me fly.
Wait a minute.
Uh, Jay.
.
.
Wait a minute.
- That's not in the script.
Jay.
.
.
- I can fly.
I swear I can.
- Uh, uh, Leon, stop tape.
- I can fly! - Wait.
What? Jay? Jay.
Jay! - I can fly! Oh, my God! He jumped out the window! Stop tape! - Oh, he jumped! Jay, are you all right? - [Thuds.]
It's getting dark.
I'm feeling strangely peaceful.
Oh, my God.
Jay,do we need a priest? No, Gordy.
Just give me the juice.
[Exhales, Smacks Lips.]
Could you pour some of that on my joints, Gordy? [Groans.]
[Exhales.]
I feel much better now, Gordy.
That proves one thing to me.
- There's a time to laugh.
.
.
- A time to cry.
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.
- A time to live.
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.
- [Together.]
And a time to juice! Hope you guys had a good time.
We'll see ya next week! [Hip-Hop.]