The Honeymooners (1955) s04e29 Episode Script

With the stars and Ralph, if you sink this one, you tie the house record, Well, as the bride said to the groom when they took the burnt steak out of the oven, it's as good as done.
Well, here it goes, for the run.
Seventeen.
You did it, Kramden.
You tied the house record, 17 in a row.
And now I'm going to hit in the 18th ball and break the house record.
You know something? There's something I can't figure out about your game.
Any time you come in here on a Saturday afternoon, you shoot like a champ.
But when you play at night, you're a sucker for every guy that comes into the place.
What have you got on Saturday afternoon that you haven't got at night? It isn't what I haven't got on Saturday afternoon, it's what I have got: Norton.
That guy'll drive you nuts.
Now, don't rush it, Ralph.
Don't worry, pal.
This is the one that counts.
It's going to go in like it had eyes.
Say there, Ralphie boy.
I have just knocked in to tie the house record.
I am now going to knock the 18th ball in to break the house record, and I don't want to hear one sound out of you.
You won't even know I'm here.
I'll be right with you.
I'll show you how to play the game.
Just let him come out.
Just let him out, Harry! Take it easy, Kramden.
Take it easy.
That guy's enough to drive you nuts.
I'd have nothing to do with him.
Look Look, Ralph, I've been watching pool players for a long time.
You're a much better player than he is.
You know something? Norton doesn't beat you, you beat yourself.
Now, look, pay no attention to him, and I guarantee you can beat him.
You know, you're right, Harry.
I don't care what he does, he's not going to get me upset.
I'll have 50 balls before he can chalk up.
Now you're talking.
I'll rack 'em up for you.
Go ahead and rack 'em up.
I'm ready for him.
Hey there.
( chuckles ) Well, it's just 5:00.
Got time to show you how to play a game or two.
All right, get your cue.
Sorry I can't offer you one of these, but a fellow I work with down the sewer there, Hagerty, had a blessed event.
Oh.
Had a baby? No, his mother-in-law moved back to Schenectady.
Well, what do you do with the break there? Toss 'em up in there? Well, how much you want to play for? Well, uh, let's raise the ante up there.
Let's make it a nickel a ball there and a crack over the knuckles for every scratch.
If you don't mind, we'll stick to the same odds we always play.
That's a penny a ball.
Okay.
Heads or tails? Heads.
Tails.
I break.
Wait a minute! Don't you think I should see that coin? Yeah, sure.
Look at it.
Go ahead and break.
Wait a minute.
What's the idea of all that powder? Huh? I said, what's the idea of all the powder? Well, it makes the skin smooth, the cue don't stick to your skin there, you know.
Yeah, I learned it from the pros.
It flies easier there.
All right! Come on! Just don't shout when I'm about to break Go ahead and shoot! Hey! That's the way I played it.
Not a bad break.
Well, like I say, with plenty of talcum powder, the cue don't stick to your skin there.
You and your talcum powder! Wait a minute.
What do you think you're doing? You had your shot.
Now it's my turn.
Move away from that table before you're not able to move.
Boy, what a grouch.
Three ball.
Look out.
Will you stop blowing smoke in my face? Put the cigar down.
( screams ): Ow! What's the matter with you?! Look what you did to my hand! Look what you did to my cigar! That settles it.
I'm quitting, I'm going home and I never want to see you again.
You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside down.
Go ahead.
There ain't a man in New York City that's strong enough to turn your stomach upside down! ( alarm bell ringing ) ( gunshots, whistle blowing ) ( engine accelerating ) What was that?! I heard a shot! Hey, what's it all about? I don't know.
It sounded like a burglar alarm or something.
A burglar alarm? Yeah.
I'll be back in a minute.
Watch the place, will you, Norton? Hey, Ralph, were you out there when? What happened to you? ( stammering ) What do you mean, "ba-ba"? What happened? Right through the hat.
Right through the hat! Hey, Ralph.
I'm standing on the corner, I'm waiting for a red light to change.
Yeah.
All of a sudden, two guys come running out of the bank, they see me and they take a shot at me.
My hat flies off.
Right through the hat, Norton.
Ralphie boy, that could have killed you! Did you see the guys? I got a little glimpse of them.
Yeah, I know what they look like all right.
Look, why don't you tell the cops? You're right.
I gotta tell the cops right away.
Wait a minute.
What? I can't tell the cops.
Why not? If I tell the cops, my picture will appear in the paper, with my address and everything.
Oh, hey, hey, that's right.
That's right.
They're killers, Norton.
They'll do me in.
Don't tell the cops nothing, because if the cops didn't know you were there, then the killers don't know you were there and nobody saw you and nothing happens.
I'm not saying a word.
I didn't see anybody.
That's good.
I know they're going to get me, Norton.
I'm a-scared.
I'm a-scared! Just calm down.
Relax.
Look, it's getting dark out.
It's 5:00, 5:30, you know, nobody's seen you.
All they seen is the dark outline, you know? Maybe there's a thousand people there built like you in New York City.
You really think so? Maybe a hundred.
A couple, anyway.
Boy, oh, boy, what excitement! What? The guys knocked off the watchman and made a clean getaway.
The cops can't find an eyewitness.
No kidding? Hey, Ralph, weren't you outside when it happened? ( stammering ) You know, if you saw anything, you better tell the police.
I-I didn't see anything.
What did I see? No, you haven't seen a thing.
Look, uh, just relax.
Uh, you come home with me, you know, you haven't seen nothing, and, uh, Trixie is spending the night with her sister, there, you come home with me, we have some supper, we play a couple of games of pinochle and then we look at a very good movie on the late, late show.
Maybe you're right, Norton.
Maybe that'll calm me down.
What's playing tonight on the late, late show? Humphrey Bogart in Dead Men Tell No Tales.
( knocking on door ) Coming! Hiya, Tommy.
Hello, Mrs.
Kramden.
My mother sent me down here to find out if there was any water running in your sink.
Ours is busted.
Well, I'll see.
( hissing, loud popping ) ( groans ) Sounds like a cannon.
Just like ours.
Tommy, would you do me a favor? See if you can turn that valve under there.
That might do something.
Sure.
Attaboy.
Try it now, Mrs.
Kramden.
( hissing, loud popping ) ( groans ) Same old story-- Plenty of pressure, but no water.
I guess you'd better tell your mother that it's the same thing all over the house.
What a break! That means I won't have to take a bath tonight.
( chuckles ) Oh, hiya, Tommy.
Hi, Alice.
Hi.
Boy, I sure am glad you stopped in, Trix.
Huh? Our sink's on the blink again.
Oh, I know.
I left a note for Ed and I put it where he'd be sure to find it.
In the icebox? Yeah.
I just hope he's able to fix it, though.
Boy, me, too.
I'm telling you, this house is just falling apart.
Why not? It's so old, I'll bet George Washington slept here.
He couldn't have.
This place was condemned before George Washington got here.
I've got to be going, Alice.
Hey, Alice, what's this doing here? Oh that's Tommy Manicotti's water pistol.
He just left it here.
Oh.
I guess he'll pick it up later.
Yeah.
Listen, Alice, I'll be down to see you tomorrow just as soon as I get back.
All right, Trix.
Say hello to your sister for me.
I sure will.
Bye, honey.
Bye-bye.
( tapping lightly ) I just want to let you know in case you see me out here, I'm putting up a television aerial for Mrs.
Halperin.
Oh, thanks.
You're working kind of late, aren't you? You know how some people are.
She's got to have the set tonight.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, Ralph! ( screams ) What's the matter with you, Ralph? Nothing, you just surprised me, that's all.
Oh.
Well, I just want to tell you I'll have your supper ready for you in a minute, but I'm just finishing a hem on a dress in here.
I'll be right out.
How are you? ( yells ) I'm sorry I scared you, mister.
I'm just putting up a television aerial.
( hissing, loud popping ) ( cries out in pain ) ( groaning ) They got me, Alice! They got me! They got me, Alice! Ralph, what's the matter? They got me, Alice! Ralph, Ralph, nobody got you.
It's the sink, Ralph.
I forgot to tell you about it.
Sink? Yeah.
The noise that it makes.
I hope it didn't scare you.
What are you talking about? Why would I get scared? We're going to really have to do something about this, Ralph.
Now will you help me slice the bread, please? I've got to set the table.
Oh, the big knife is in the bureau drawer.
Hey.
What is this thing doing in there? Oh, that's little Tommy's water pistol.
He was up here a while ago and left it here.
You want to take it down to him after supper for me? All right.
All right, Ralph.
Tell me.
Tell you what? Ever since you came home tonight I knew you were upset about something.
Now look how your hand is shaking.
Who's shaking? Well, all right, then, cut the bread.
I'll cut it.
There's no sense in me lying to you, Alice.
I've got to tell you.
Now, look, when I tell you, I don't want you to get nervous, 'cause there's nothing to get nervous about.
There's a couple of guys out after me, they're going to kill me.
What?! I was coming out of the poolroom, I was on my way home, and I stopped for a red light.
And the two guys come running out of the bank and they saw me and I saw them and they took a shot at me and the hat flew off and I got a hole in my hat.
Oh, Ralph, this is terrible! Why didn't you tell me before? Well What did the police say? I didn't tell the police.
You didn't tell them? I can't tell the police, Alice.
If I tell the police, my picture will be in the paper with my address and everything else.
Those guys will know right where we are.
They'll come up here and get me.
They're killers, Alice.
It's better off this way.
Nobody knows that I saw them and it's all right.
What do you mean, "better this way"? Why, you're shaking so you can't even cut a slice of bread, Ralph.
And you jump at the slightest noise.
I'll be all right tomorrow.
I'll calm down and everything will be fine.
Ralph, you've got to go to the police or it'll just get worse.
Don't you understand? You won't be able to walk down a dark street, you'll be afraid of every shadow.
And if a car backfires, you'll think somebody took a shot at you.
Why, it'll get so you get on the bus, you'll think every passenger that's on there is going to try and kill you.
You can't live the rest of your life in fear, Ralph.
You're right.
I'll go down to the police now.
I knew you would, Ralph, and I'll go with you.
Oh, wait a minute.
You're not going anywhere with me.
I don't want you to get mixed up in this.
Oh, but Ralph.
This is my responsibility.
Don't "But Ralphie" me now.
Sweetheart, I don't want anything in the world to happen to you.
I'm in love with you.
Now let me take this thing alone.
Ralph, anything that's going to happen to you is going to happen to me, too.
Now I'm going to go and get my coat.
Now, look MAN: That's him.
That's the guy.
( pounding on door ) ALICE: Ralph! Ralph, open this door! Stay in there, Alice! Don't come out.
Don't get in this.
Come on, Danny, let's grab him and blow, huh.
Are you crazy? A minute after we left, the dame would spread the alarm.
Come on, get out of the way.
Oh, wait a minute, now, pal.
Now, wait a second.
She doesn't know anything! You heard me.
Get out of the way! She doesn't know anything about this, pal.
Okay, lady, out.
Look Oh, Ralph! Look, look, I won't tell anybody, honest.
Shut up! I swear I won't tell.
Shut up! Bibbo, you go and see if it's clear.
Find out if everything's all set.
( distant sirens wailing ) Now, I don't want a word out of either of you two.
Hey, you hear something? ( sirens continue ) ( engine accelerating ) DANNY: Is that Marty pulling away? He's pulling away with the car.
Hey, there's something wrong.
Hey, Danny, it's the cops! Cops? Yeah, a patrol car just pulled up.
Did you talk to the cops? ( stammering ) The truth! ( stammers ) Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I wouldn't say anything.
One of those cops is coming up this way now.
Hey, look, we've got to blow this joint.
The roof.
We can beat it across the roof, huh? Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, Monty.
Just get a hold of yourself.
They found out about this guy down at the poolroom.
Those cops don't know nothing.
They're coming here for information.
And you ain't giving it to 'em, mister.
If they come in here, you know nothing.
You don't say one single word or else she gets it.
Okay, Bibbo, take her inside.
( stammering ) Now, just remember what I said.
( knocking on door ) One word! Kramden? I don't know anything.
Police Department, Mr.
Kramden.
I don't know nothing.
Now, look, you're in a bad spot, you know that? I'm going to tell you just what I told your pal down at the poolroom.
Your safety and your life is in danger if you don't give us a description.
I didn't see anything.
These fellas are killers.
They shot the night watchman.
I don't know anything.
You don't know anything, huh? All right, I'm going to give you a break.
I'm leaving a policeman downstairs to look after you overnight.
But if you don't tell us what you know by morning, you're on your own.
If you're not a witness, you're not entitled to police protection.
And thanks for nothing! Welcome.
I didn't tell him anything.
Alice? He's gone.
Sure, sure, he's gone, but what about the other copper that's waiting downstairs? What about him, huh? Nothing.
He'll be gone in the morning.
But we can't stay here all night! Why not? We got the police protecting us.
Please, please, go away.
We won't say anything.
Look, I just proved to you I wasn't going to say anything.
Shut up! Look, Danny, Danny, what about Marty in the car? Don't worry about Marty.
He was smart enough to duck when the cops showed.
He'll come back when they're gone.
Don't you? I-I don't like this.
I don't like the idea of staying here all night.
I didn't ask you what you liked.
Please, please, will you go away? All right, stick 'em up! Get 'em up! ( knocking on door ) Who is it? TOMMY: It's me, Tommy.
Have you got my water pistol in there? Here you are, Tommy.
TOMMY: Thanks, Mr.
Kramden.
You're very welcome.
Hey, look, Danny, let me give him a working-over, huh? No, no! Another stupid move like that, Kramden, you'll get the worst beating anybody ever got in their life.
Just let me give him a sample, huh, Danny? A little sample, huh? Ralph, please.
Tell them that you'll do anything they say.
Now, look, you two are sitting down.
You're not making a sound or a move from here in.
If you try anything, I ain't stopping Bibbo.
Now sit! ( knocking on door ) Answer that.
Who is it? ED: Uh, it's me, Ralph, Norton.
What you got the door locked for? It's my friend from upstairs.
You get rid of him the same way you did the copper.
Coming, Norton.
Hey there, Ralphie boy.
You got the door locked, you're pale, you're shaking.
Those bums are a thousand miles away from here.
Uh, why don't you go home now? What do you mean, "Why don't I go home"? Those guys ain't got any courage.
They're not going to stick around here.
They'll run like rats.
Go head out now.
Huh? I say, get out.
What's the matter, Ralph, you got a twitch? Just get out.
You act like a guy that's got a gun in his back.
Will you get out of here! Look, I come down here in good faith to fix the pipes and that's just what I'm going to do.
We don't want any pipes fixed now.
You can come on down tomorrow and fix all the pipes.
All? All the pipes.
The pipes out here and the two pipes that need fixing inside the bedroom.
I'll take a look-see.
You can't go in there now.
Alice is in there.
She's getting dressed.
You can come down and fix those two pipes tomorrow.
Oh ( chuckles ) Well, okay, like you say, if there's a better time, I'll come down and fix the pipes tomorrow.
Bye.
So long, Norton.
Bye, Ralph.
Okay, pal.
Okay.
Hey, uh, I got rid of him.
Okay, now lock the door.
Yes, sir.
Hey.
Oh.
I was just thinking there's only one pipe there that needs fixing.
( laughing ) You're making a big mistake, you know.
What are you going to do, untie us every time somebody knocks at the door? Now, listen, redhead, don't strain your brain.
It's after 11:00.
Visiting hours are over.
Ow! Hey, you, take it easy.
That's my wife.
What are you going to do about it, fatso, huh? Now, look, pudgy, put your hands behind your back.
I'm not going to do it.
I said, put your hands behind your back! I don't care what you said, I'm not going to do it.
Look, pal You look.
And you look.
Go ahead and wave that gun.
I must have been a dope.
You guys are in just as much trouble as we are.
We can't leave here and neither can you.
Those cops are downstairs, you know.
And if you shoot that gun off, you know what'll happen? Every cop in the neighborhood will be up here in five seconds.
So just go ahead.
And look, I don't know when I'm going to run into you, but someday I'm going to run into you when you haven't got this guy with the gun.
And brother, are you going to get yours.
Look, by the time we get finished with you, you won't be in no condition to get ours.
Okay, Bibbo, take him inside and work him over.
Come on.
No, no, please! He didn't mean it! He didn't mean it! Just tie him up! Don't take him in there! You ain't married to a very smart guy, lady.
( thudding ) He sure asked for it.
( crying ): Stop it! Stop it! They're killing him! Stop it! If you want to be next, I can arrange it.
Yeah? Yeah.
All right, you! Get 'em up! Get 'em up.
Go over there and untie them.
Ralph.
I-I I thought it was you that was getting killed.
Just get over there.
Wait a minute, here.
Just a minute.
Look out.
Nobody's killing me.
Watch out for the other one.
I got him covered.
Get up.
That'll be the day when a bum like you can take care of me.
I suppose this is the first time you ever run into a bus driver, isn't it? All right.
I'm going to take you guys downstairs.
No, no, no, no, Ralph, you done enough already.
Let me take them down there, will ya? All right, be my guest.
All right, you crummy thugs.
Get on out of here.
All right, get a moving there ( sighs ) Ralph, I never thought we'd get out of this alive.
( snaps fingers ) Sweetheart, how did you manage it? A mere bag of shells.
You see, Alice, there's a lot you don't know about me.
My fighting, for instance.
I go pretty good when I get going.
See, the reason you don't know about it is because I'm modest.
I never tell you anything about my prowess, you know.
I just happen to be a modest guy.
Hey I got to get downstairs.
Why? Where are you going? I got to get down there before Norton takes credit for this whole thing.