In Living Color (1990) s04e30 Episode Script

This is Lois Carl reporting live.
.
.
from the first annual Heterosexual Pride Parade.
Boy, you can just smell the hormones in the air and the Old Spice as well.
Yes, not since the Kennedy brothers has the world seen such a tremendous concentration.
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of rampant heterosexuality.
Gentlemen, would you mindhaving a word with Fox News? Not at all.
My son is straight, and I don't care who knows it.
- All right, sir.
How long have you known this about your son? - Oh, very early on.
Ray always had liked to look at the girls in they bikinis ever since I can remember.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I tried everything.
We have looked at every episode of Combat! I done played everyJudy Garland album I own.
Nothin'.
But, uh, let me tell you somethin', miss.
And you can take this check to the bank and cash it, and if it bounce, don't call me.
[Sniffles.]
I don't care what my son is.
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fat, skinny, tall, short.
He's my son.
He's straight, and I'm gonna stand behind him.
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- I mean, uh, beside him.
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all the way.
- Of course.
Now, love me with all your strength, Ray.
Hold me! [Sobs.]
[Shouting.]
My son's straight, and I don't care! My son will pick.
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.
Well, I guess that's what this parade is all about after all: Heterosexuals being public and proud.
Reporting to you live from the Heterosexual Pride Parade, this is Lois Carl for Fox News.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color Let's take a tripand sip on a dream Glide with the guideon a funky scene Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboard, The train never troublesYou'd better snuggle up Couple up on the double-dub-doubleYeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, go,go, go, go, go Go, go [Man.]
The following is a public service announcement.
This is what a supermodel looks like wearing a tight, form-fitting string bikini.
Look closely.
Beautiful.
Now this is what you look like.
Supermodel.
.
.
you.
Reality check: You are not thin.
For God's sake, stop it.
[Man.]
This has been a public serviceannouncement for you own good.
That's awesome.
Hey, kids.
Okay.
Gather 'round, everyone.
Take a seat.
All right.
In honor ofTimmy's birthday tonight, Chuck E.
Cheddar Pizza-time Fun House.
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is ready to present the most famous singin' mouse west of the Pecos.
Please give a warm welcome and a big hel-l-lo.
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to the grand marshal of the rodent rodeo, Calhoun Tubbs! Come on! - Hey, kids! Hey, how's everybody doin'? - [Children Cheering.]
Hey, now.
Happy birthday, Timmy.
All right, now.
How you feelin'? Hey, what's wrong with you? You act like never seen a black man.
All right, now.
- Look here.
Who wanna hear a song? - [Overlapping.]
I do! I do! - I said, who wanna hear a song? - I do! - I do! All right, now.
Now, here.
.
.
That's good.
Now, here's a old favorite of mine.
Y'all can sing along, if you want.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
- [Slide Guitar.]
- Old MacDonald had a farm [All, Together.]
Ee-i, ee-i, o - And on that farm he had a wife - Ee-i, ee-i, o Oh, that's until she divorced him - And took him for everything he had - [Slides.]
- Na-a-ah, ha-a-a, ha Thank you very much! - [Ends.]
Hey, doofus, that ain't the way it's supposed to go.
Well, yeah.
You know what? You a very smart kid, ain't ya? - Smart enough to know that you're not a famous singer.
- Well, I bet I am.
I sold more albums than MichaelJackson and the Beatles.
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in, uh, upper New Jersey.
[Laughs.]
Well, I never heard of you.
When I grow up, I'm gonna be really famous.
Yeah, well, I bet you will be.
In fact, I wrote a song 'bout it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Little smart-ass gonna be famous Your picture gonna end up on a carton of milk - [Slides.]
- Na-a-ah, ha-a-a, ha - Thank you very much! - [Ends.]
- Hey, you.
.
.
you want a slice of pizza, mister? - Ah, no.
No, thank you there, son.
Calhoun don't touch that pizza from Chuck E.
Cheddar no more.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Chuck E.
Cheddar pizza is smothered in tasty toppin's No extra charge for the fingernails roaches and rat hair - [Slides.]
- Na-a-ah, ha-a-a, ha Thank you very much! - [Ends.]
- Mr.
Tubbs? - Yeah.
- This is suicide music.
No.
What'd you expect, man? I'm a blues singer.
I'm singin' 'bout the blues.
I don't care what you are.
I hired you to entertain these kids.
- All you're doing is scaring 'em.
- Well, is that so? You know what? I'm awful sorry, man.
See, I ain't never wrote no song up that's supposed to cheer up the little children.
But I think I could right now.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Ain't no monsters in the closet 'Cause your daddy's up in there wearin' your mamas drawers - [Slides.]
- Na-a-ah, ha-a-a, ha - Thank you very much! - [Ends.]
- Hey, mister, you really sing crappy.
- You bite.
- Booger-eatin' moron.
- Why, thank you very much.
[Laughs.]
I'm sorry about this, ma'am.
We hired him yesterday.
I'd never.
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.
Listen, Mr.
Chuck E.
Cheddar Cheese.
He's ruining Timmy's birthday.
You better bring out the birthday cake.
Rabbit! Bring your damn cake.
- [Children.]
Ooh! - You listen to me, Calhoun.
You will never work in this town again if you don't entertain these kids.
- And you're not gonna get paid either.
- Why didn't you say so? I think I can handle that.
All right, now, kiddies.
Everybody listen up.
- It's time for a birthday song.
You like to hear it? - [Children.]
Yeah! - I say, you like to hear it? - [Louder.]
Yeah! Here it goes! For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow And it might not be his birthday 'Cause he's adopted and he don't even know who his mama and daddy really are - Get away from me.
You're not my real mom! - Timmy, come back! Thank you very much![Laughs.]
- Thank you for that standing ovation.
- Go! Out! - I want my money.
You better give me my money.
- Out! Out! And stay out! [Man.]
Coming soon to a theater near you: Thelma & LouiseJefferson.
Wha-ha! Oh, Louise, this is great.
I never thought I could get away.
Darryl's gonna be so upset.
So is George.
But you know what? Forget him.
I've been trying to break loose from him for over 20 years.
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in syndication.
Why have we stopped at a dry cleaner's? I thought you brought everything with you.
Well, there's one thing I forgot.
All right, freeze! I want everybody empty their pockets and put all the money in this bag.
Mom, what are you doing? - Who are you? - I'm your son, Lionel.
Lionel? Well, which Lionel are you: The funny one who was on the show from the beginning.
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- or the second one that nobody really liked? - [Cash Register Rings.]
What difference does it make? Just don't go doin' this to yourself.
I swear, if you come any closer, Lionel, you'll be speaking to MotherJefferson in person.
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
Why are you doin' this? Because I haven't worked since Reagan was in office.
I figure, this way at least I can get on Cops or America's Most Wanted.
Oh, come on.
You know you want it.
- No, I don't.
Now, get off me.
- No, I don't think I will.
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.
not till I show you.
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the Tower of London.
Mr.
Bentley! What are you doing? Oh, hello, Mrs.
Jefferson.
You look ravishing today.
- Don't let him sweet-talk you, Louise.
He tried to attack me.
- Mr.
Bentley, is this true? Of course not, Mrs.
J.
Do I look like the sort of chap who could do such a thing? He's lyin', Louise.
Don't listen to him.
Mr.
Bentley, do you believe in the Almighty? - Of course, Mrs.
J.
- Well, you're about to meet him.
- [Gunshot.]
- [Gasps.]
Oh, my God, Louise.
We're in trouble.
Well, let's get the hell outta here.
[Man.]
Don't miss those hotheaded outlaws.
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.
Thelma & LouiseJefferson.
They're "moving on up"to a theater near you.
[Woman.]
She had the nerve to tell you that? Uh-huh, you heard.
That's a lie.
[Stamps Foot.]
That just proves my point.
- L-I want some more eggs, Mom.
- Mm-hmm.
Like Marge says, honey.
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that girl would lie when the truth would sound better.
Yeah, and her husband ain't no good either.
- [Girl.]
Ma, Joey is choking.
- [Gasping.]
Didn't I seen him out with Carla Green two weeks ago? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Acted like he didn't even see me.
Right? - Ma, can I go to the baseball game after school? - [No Audio.]
Now, where's he get off treatin' her like that? That's what I wanna know.
Not that she ain't never stepped out on him.
Now, that's for sure.
- [Woman.]
Mm-hmm.
- Uh, thanks, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
- By the way, think we be makin' love tonight? [No Audio.]
Mm-hmm.
You know I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her? - No, I wouldn't.
Remember last year's picnic? - [No Audio.]
Remember what she did to me? Uh-huh.
I'll never forgive her till the day I die.
And that's the truth.
That's just proves my point.
Mama! Mama!Look, a fire! Oh, honey, listen.
She betrays the only friends she ever had in the world.
It's the truth.
She said that? Oh, puh-lease.
What about Norma Stone? Uh-huh.
She's a good friend of mine.
Look what she went and done.
Uh-huh.
You right.
You right about that.
You know, people will let you down.
Yes, they will.
Mm-hmm.
They.
.
.
They will let.
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.
You know, I never thought of that.
I never thought of it! Ma! He tried to take my lunch money! If you treat me right, I will treat you right.
[Grunts.]
Yeah! She is a phony, honey, if she says that.
Yeah! Oh, why, she's a fool.
[Grunts.]
Yeah.
You know, maybe sh.
.
.
No, no, no.
Maybe she suffers from depression.
[Grunts.]
Mm-hmm.
Oh, girl, you shouldn't have said that to her.
Oh, now she's gonna blame me.
Oh.
.
.
- [Kick Lands.]
- Well, I hope you're right.
Oh! That just proves my point! - Should we call the ambulance, Ma? - [No Audio.]
Now, you know she is a Pisces.
Huh! Yeah, child, you know what that means.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You tellin' me.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Listen.
Let me ask you somethin'.
Were you there the day she flipped out in the grocery store? Hoo, child, you missed it! Yeah! Oh, come on, now.
Get.
.
.
No.
Listen.
Girl, if I said that about you, would I be talkin' about you now? Yeah? Oh, come on, now.
You know me.
That just proves my point.
Mm-hmm.
That.
.
.
Oh, I can't believe.
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.
She said that? - Give us all your money, lady.
- [No Audio.]
Mm-mm.
No! I know.
.
.
Look.
.
.
- Oh, come on.
The woman is a hypocrite.
- Your money, lady! Oh, and you know what else? All her children.
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.
[Grunts.]
be just like her.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well,that one's a floozy right there.
Mm-hmm.
What'd you say? Uh-huh.
Yeah, girl.
Mm-hmm.
[Martial Arts Whoop.]
Uh-huh.
[Whoops.]
Uh-huh.
That's exactly what I mean to say.
Oh, girl, please.
Don't tell me nothin' like that.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, she's a lyin' bitch! That just proves my point! - That was great, honey.
Just great.
- Oh, I know.
I think so too.
- You want a cigarette? - [No Audio.]
You know I always trusted her morethan I did her sister.
You did? That just proves my point! Huh? Yeah.
- [Crowd Chattering.]
- Okay.
Settle down.
Settle down.
Settle down, all you cowpokes, 'cause it's showtime! [Cheering, Chattering.]
Now, now, now, I know it's been a long time since we've had a woman this far west.
- [Crowd Affirms.]
- Yeah, but keep your butts in your saddles.
- What I hear, this little lady is the talk of the East Coast.
- [Hooting, Affirming.]
So here she is, the Belle of Bellflower, Miss Kitty Litter.
- [Cheering, Applauding.]
- [Piano: The Stripper.]
- [Cheering Continues.]
- [Continues.]
- [Man.]
Take it all off! - [Man #2.]
Yes! Yes! - [Cheering, Chattering Continue.]
- [Continues.]
- [Stops.]
- All right.
What's goin'.
.
.
What's wrong with y'all? What's, "Keep it on"? [Crowd Murmuring, Booing.]
What's goin'.
.
.
Hey, I know what it is.
Y'all ain't seen nobody that looked this good in a long time.
I understand.
'Cause Miss Kitty Litter will throw it off.
Ooh.
My throat is like the open plain.
I think I need a "ber.
" Ooh, he's so cheap.
Anyway, I bet you ain't never seen nobody this good lookin'.
- Have you? - Once, but it was in a trap.
Tried to chew his own leg off.
[Laughs.]
Ah, you real funny, Davey Poopster.
Anyway.
.
.
Is this some "champag-nee"? Ooh.
Ooh, I know what all y'all wanna do too.
I know all y'all wanna drink outta my slipper.
- Okay, who wants to eat the worm? - No, no, no.
- No, you drink it.
- [Gunshots.]
Oh, my God! It's Black Bart.
[Whooping.]
- [Gunshots.]
- Yee-hoo! Yee-ha! Yee-e-e-up, yup, yup, yup, yow! All right, all you cowpokes.
Now, I done made a pact with my dyin' buddy.
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that I'd come on back up in here and take care of his girl.
Now, where's that little fi.
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filly that I'm supposed to saddle? Hey, call me Trigger.
[Barks, Howls.]
Right, all you other cowpokes.
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you best keep your paws off'n her, 'cause she's all mine.
- [Crowd Encouraging.]
- [Man.]
She's all yours.
Congratulations.
- Good luck.
- I'm stakin' a claim on you, li'I Miss Kitty Litter.
- [Quietly.]
You better stop.
- You smell kinda like kitty litter too.
- That's just.
.
.
- Anyway.
.
.
- That's my perfume.
- Oh, you gettin' my saddle sore "swole.
" [Laughs.]
I'm 'bout to ride you to Buffalo.
Well, hey, jump on the caboose, 'cause there's a whole bunch of room.
Yee-hoo! I'm gonna grab me a fistful of dollars.
I'm gonna give you a taste of the good, the bad.
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.
and the, um, er.
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.
[Yells.]
[Yelling.]
Oh, my God! Oh! - [Yelping.]
- What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Why you trippin'? I ain't never been with no cowpoke like you.
No.
I ain't never been with no cow chip.
Wait a minute.
I thought you was gonna ride me all the way to Buffalo.
I said, "ride to Buffalo," not "ride a buffalo.
" - Listen, I gotta go.
- Nuh-uh.
I got you.
- Ouch, what's wrong with you? - [Snapping.]
Uh, look here.
No, see, I'm a wanted man.
There's a price on my head.
Well, there's a price on my head too.
It's a wedding ring.
You can't have this for free.
Ew.
I can't stop thinkin' 'bout nothin' but that posse.
Oh, see, all y'all men's always thinkin' about the same thing.
.
.
tryin' to get in my stuff.
You better back off, you ornery polecat! I'll fill ya full of lead.
You can't shoot a beautiful, African, mahogany.
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sultry, saucy lady like this.
[Barks Softly.]
- They shoot horses, don't they? - [Hoofbeats.]
[Audience Hooting, Cheering.]
I'm lookin' for a low-down, foul-smellin', no-good varmint.
- [Man.]
Right there.
Right there.
Here.
- Hey, wait a minute.
I ain't low down.
I don't know what's wrong with you.
- You're the one that's low down.
- I ain't talkin' about fish-lips.
I'm talkin' about you, Black Bart.
Ooh, it's a policeman with a badge and stuff.
Hey, you look good and stuff.
- You get me all warm and stuff.
- Shouldn't this thing be tied up out front? Ooh, see, you like it like that.
Tie me up and ride the saddle all the way to Sunset Boulevard.
Back up, baby.
I'm half-Indian.
I'm from the "Slap-a-ho" tribe.
Now, Black Bart, why don't you just come with me real quiet-like.
.
.
and ain't nobody gonna get hurt.
Don't you worry about it, baby.
I know he tryin' to put you in jail and stuff, try callin' somebody "ho.
" I don't know what's wrong with him.
I know you gonna be in jail for a long time, but.
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and I know I might be old or ugly when you get out.
.
.
Baby, you look like you halfway there now.
Oh, well, now, wait up, now, Sonny Spoon.
- [Audience Laughing.]
- What seem to be the problem? Are you "yella"? [Laughing Continues.]
Now, hold on, boomerang-head, 'cause ain't nobody call me "yella.
" It's high "yella," if it's all the same to you.
It's okay if you light skinned.
You so excitin'.
- Two mens fightin' over me and stuff.
- Would you.
.
.
back off, prairie dog.
- Yeah.
- He so crazy.
- He look like that dude from NewJack City.
- Uh-huh.
Now, look here, red bone.
Sheriff, we done had some ugliness between us for many, many years.
.
.
but I don't think we ain't ever had nothin' this ugly.
Y'all ain't got to be like this.
Y'all can share.
Treat me like a wishbone.
Split me in half, and then y'all both'll be happy.
- She look like she gotta sneak up on a glass of whiskey.
- You know what I'm sayin'? - You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? - Yeah, I got one more funny line to say.
Ain't enough hot sauce in the world make her taste good.
Ooh, this is so romantic.
I'm just gettin' all hot and perspirin' and stuff.
You know, two men just goin' at.
.
.
I think I might faint up in here.
[Gunshots.]
Well, I guess that's what they mean when they say you got the drop-dead good looks.
Hey, for real, though.
But you know what? I was gonna rock they Ponderosas too.
Guess I'm never gonna get it.
[Barking, Howling.]
Please welcome, straight from the desert.
.
.
DefJam recording artist Onyx doing.
.
.
[Together.]
"Slam.
" [Hip-hop.]
Hey, yo, whassup, everybody? - How y'all like to give a big.
.
.
[Indistinct.]
- One, two.
[Indistinct.]
What do I hear? We gonna just.
.
.
[All, Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]