Bewitched (1964) s04e31 Episode Script

No, everything's just fine.
I was just wondering if you'd heard anything yet.
Honey, I told you I'd call you as soon as I found out.
Larry's in with McMann right now.
I'll let you know the second I get the news.
All right, sweetheart.
Now, but remember, no matter what happens, I love you.
And I love you.
Who is this? That's Larry.
Bye.
Tabatha, eat some of your spinach.
Otherwise, you won't grow up to be a full partner, like Daddy.
- Partner.
- That's right.
And this very minute, he's getting the news from Larry.
L I can't believe it.
Neither did Omega National Bank and Trust.
"Assets over $100.
" I don't understand.
How could seven zeros disappear? You tell me.
Wait a minute.
Are you suggesting I'm responsible for this goof? It's your letter, your project.
You were following through.
Who am I supposed to blame, the janitor? But, Larry, I did follow through.
I checked the copy and I double-checked it.
I proofed it with my secretary.
What more could I do? This is just a typo.
If this is a typo, Mount Vesuvius is a cigarette lighter.
Darrin, you pulled the greatest boo-boo of all time.
Well, are you just gonna stand there? Haven't you got anything to say? Does? Does this mean I'm not going to be a partner? Sweetheart, I know you feel awful, but it's not the end of the world.
You still have your job.
You don't? Larry suggested it would be best if I took sick leave for the time being.
I said I wasn't sick.
He said I might be.
What does that mean to you? Now, honey, you know Larry.
He always gets over those things.
Sam, this wasn't one of those things.
It was a disastrous error.
And I still can't figure out how it happened.
There's no human way that goof could've slipped by me.
I checked, I double-checked.
Wait a minute.
Let me say that again.
There was no human way that Of course! Your mother.
She couldn't bear the idea that I was gonna make it.
She's the one that blew those seven extra zeros.
Now, Darrin.
There's no other explanation.
Well, you're being ridiculous.
Why would she do a thing like that? Mother isn't Sam I have an announcement to make.
I give up.
I am tired of bucking all this witchcraft.
No matter how I try, someone in your family fouls things up.
So from now on, anything goes.
You and yours can practice all the witchcraft you want to.
- Oh, now, Darrin, don't say that.
- Prohibition has been repealed.
Darrin, I am not going to allow you to blame a human error on witchcraft.
What's so terrible about making a mistake? It can happen to anybody.
Even a bank.
I'm going up and get into bed.
Darrin, you haven't even had your supper.
And I made your favourite dish.
Beef stew.
Look.
Uncle Arthur, what are you doing in there? What do you think? I'm a stewaway.
Oh, brother, just what I need.
Uncle Arthur, will you please get out of there? That stew could use a pinch of time.
No danger of it boiling now.
It's a watched pot.
Oh, I'm too much.
I ran into Madam Medusa, otherwise known as your mother and she told me the good news about Darrin.
Congratulations, my boy.
Good night.
Sweetheart, what are you doing in bed? You'll be late.
- For what? - For work.
I'm not going to work.
What? Darrin, this is ridiculous.
You've got to get up and go to work.
Why? What's the use of trying to fight a one-sided battle against witchcraft? It's like trying to put out the Chicago Fire with a bottle of pop.
Well, I can't believe my ears.
Now, Darrin, you get dressed and come down to breakfast.
No.
I'll fix you some waffles.
Okay.
Where are you going? The last time I saw my waffle iron, it was in the kitchen.
But didn't you hear me? The ban is lifted.
Why waffle when you can twitch? Darrin, you may have given up, but I haven't.
I think that cooking on a stove is more fun than using witchcraft.
And I also enjoy taking care of my husband and my child in the everyday mortal way.
If I didn't, I wouldn't be here.
Now, for the last time, will you please get up.
Okay.
When you are ready to eat your words, your breakfast will be ready to eat.
Uncle Arthur, what are you doing here? And what's this? - What's it look like? - A cow.
Very good, Sammy.
Uncle Arthur.
I'm just complying with the child's request.
She wanted more milk.
What's wrong with getting it from the refrigerator? I never milked a refrigerator.
Really, Uncle Arthur.
The little darling's getting a big kick out of the cow.
When was the last time she laughed at a bottle of milk? Anyway, I only came back to find out how Darrin's doing.
Terrible.
He thinks witchcraft is at the bottom of all his troubles and he won't even get up.
I don't know what to do.
- How about a hotbed? - Hotbed? Same as a hotfoot, only we do it to the whole bed.
Uncle Arthur, this is serious.
He's never been like this before.
That bad, huh? Why don't I go up and cheer him up.
Please, he feels bad enough.
I resent that.
I'll have you know that beneath this clown's mask lies another clown's mask.
Don't worry, Sammy.
I'll have a little man-to-man talk with him and see if I can't get his confidence back.
Well, okay.
But remember, no you-know-what.
I will rely on nothing but my intellectual powers, okay? Fine, but try and use your head too.
You see? A poor joke is better than none.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Chester.
- Chester who? Chester gigolo Everywhere I go Just what I need.
My boy, you may not believe this but I am here to help you.
- Do you really wanna help me? - I do.
Go away.
I'm not gonna exchange insults with you because I don't want you to lose your amateur standing.
You have been unmercifully persecuted by that Madame Lafarge of the broomstick set.
Otherwise know as your mother-in-law.
And you have every right to cry foul.
Well, I am glad to hear someone agrees with me.
I not only agree with you, I am going to do something about it.
Here.
Take this and keep it.
- What is it? - A lucky charm.
As long as you have it, no harm can befall you and that includes any kind of witchcraft.
What does it do, explode? Okay, I deserve that.
But tell the truth wouldn't a charm like this come in handy around here? It sure would, if I can believe you.
I'll prove it to you.
Get up.
All right.
Hold this and stand there.
- What? What's that for? - You'll see.
I don't want to alarm anyone.
That's the oldest trick in the bag.
You've got blanks in that gun.
Oh, really? Well? - Look, I appreciate your interest - Need more convincing, huh? Okay.
Climb up.
This is ridiculous.
Don't fight me, boy.
I'm trying to save you.
Now get up there.
- Now jump.
- What? You can't get hurt as long as you have that charm.
Jump.
- It really works, doesn't it? - Of course.
Do you know what this means? For the first time since my marriage, I'm immune.
They can't touch me.
I can't be hexed, zapped or twitched.
From now on, I'm on an even footing with every other human being.
I'm going back to the office and If you wanna stay on that even footing you better hang on to this fella.
We don't have to mention this to Samantha, do we? Of course not.
It'll be just our little secret.
- He's really getting dressed? - He'll be coming down any second.
That's wonderful.
Sweetheart, isn't that marvellous? Daddy's coming down to have breakfast with you.
- Syrup? - Gobs of it.
Sam, I'm leaving.
Sweetheart, what about breakfast? No time for that.
I wanna get down to the office as soon as possible.
I'm gonna sit Larry Tate down and convince him I can save the Omega account.
Well, I'm glad to see you're back to normal but how did Uncle Arthur do it? Oh, he gave me a new point of view.
Thanks, unc.
How'd you do it? You heard him.
I gave him a new point of view.
How? Sam, certain people have unique powers of persuasion.
And other people cannot seem to tell the truth.
Did you use witchcraft on Darrin? Quite the reverse.
I just used psychology.
Psychology? I gave him a lucky charm that protects him from witchcraft and all other harm.
What are you talking about? There's no such thing.
Sure, but he doesn't know it.
And it got him out of bed, didn't it? Gave him a new point of view.
And when I tell him he's been carrying around the top of this lamp he'll realize he got through the day on his own.
- Psychology.
- That's awful.
Why? Well, for one thing, it's deceitful.
And he could get into terrible trouble.
You see the problem, Uncle Arthur.
He might not get through the day alive.
That is a problem.
Black isn't one of your best colours.
Maybe I'd better tell him the truth about the charm.
- No.
- No? No.
It would just prove his point that witchcraft is responsible for his troubles.
Then, what do you suggest? First, I don't think you should be here when he gets home.
That's a good suggestion.
Second, I am not gonna let him out of my sight all day.
Now, you stay here and mind Tabatha till I get back.
Goodbye, Uncle Arthur.
Thanks for your help.
She really knows how to hurt an uncle.
I'll level with you, Darrin.
I didn't expect to see you today.
Or tomorrow, or the next day.
Come on, Larry.
You know you weren't serious about my taking sick leave.
I wasn't? Larry l've got a brilliant idea for getting Omega National back into the fold.
I thought you looked a little feverish.
Joke all you want, but you're gonna hear me out if I have to tie you down.
Uncle Arthur, you're supposed to be watching Tabatha.
Don't worry, I got Hagatha to take over.
- How's he doing? - Well, he's a regular fireball.
Naturally.
Because he thinks he can't lose which only proves that my idea was genuinely foolish.
Larry, what I wanna do is go down to Omega's home office and convince old man Markham that the mistake we made was a lucky fluke.
That would be the trick of the year.
How? Larry, what is the biggest complaint people have against banks? Too impersonal, no heart, right? But here is a bank that makes an historic goof and is willing to laugh at it.
They weren't laughing when I talked to them.
They will when I tell them about the free publicity we'll get by spreading the story.
And I mean put it on the newswires do a feature story about it, get it into the columns.
Spread the word all over the country that Omega National Bank has a sense of humour.
Darrin, you may have come up with one of the greatest space-grabbers of all time.
Do you really think so, Lar? No.
But what have we got to lose? The account's gone anyway.
And as for you, we'll just extend your sick leave.
That's the kind of fella that throws a drowning man both ends of the rope.
It's just Larry's way.
The hardest thing for him to give is in.
Good luck, boy.
I'm sorry, but Mr.
Markham doesn't see anybody without an appointment.
He'll see me.
Just tell him it's Darrin Stephens of McMann & Tate.
All right, but Mr.
Markham, a Mr.
Darrin Stephens of McMann & Tate to see you.
He says as far as he's concerned, none of you exist.
- What a sorehead.
Excuse me.
- Now, just a minute Mr.
Markham, I don't blame you one bit for being resentful.
But if you don't see me, you'll pass up the chance to make Omega National a household word.
Isn't he magnificent? Just brimming over with enthusiasm.
Well, let's hope the other fella doesn't pull the stopper.
Thank you very much, sir.
And thank you very much, miss.
No, it looks like he's gonna get in.
- Hadn't we better follow? - What for? He's perfectly safe in there.
While we're waiting, what do you say we go over to one of the tellers.
I've got a great routine where I deposit a paper bag with 5000 pennies in it.
I don't think that's funny.
Well, of course not.
Not till the bag breaks.
That's ridiculous.
No.
No, it's just using common cents.
And if you go along with my plan I guarantee Omega National will be on everyone's lips.
It'll be known as "the bank with a heart.
" Well, what do you think? Get out.
Maybe we ought to go in there.
He sounds like he could use some help.
Mr.
Markham, I appeal to you.
Please don't let your anger stand in the way of a creative judgment.
Think about it.
No, we're not here to give him that kind of help.
Got papers here for Mr.
Markham's signature.
Well, I'll take them.
I'm supposed to hand them to him personally.
Just a minute.
If I had any doubt about severing relations with your outfit you've convinced me.
And as for your idea - Yes? - I have a bank messenger here with some official papers.
- All right, send him in.
As for your idea, the stupidity of it is exceeded only by your colossal gall.
What are you waiting for? I'm not going to leave till I get a definite answer.
"Tell cashier to bring 10,000 in small bills or you're dead.
" - Just what is the meaning of this? - This is the meaning.
Do like it says or I'll blast you.
And don't touch that floor alarm.
If you're smart, you won't budge.
Call the cashier and remember, small bills.
Mr.
Markham, don't.
Are you bucking to be a dead hero? No, I'm just trying to make you realize that right now, you are on television.
- Right? - Oh, right.
Do you think I'm a jerk? I cased this place for months.
All the TV cameras are out there.
That's very clever of you.
- Make that call! - No.
Boy, you're really asking for it.
Now I'm giving you fair warning, buster.
Stay where you are! Well, he's still in there.
He must be making progress.
I tell you, thanks to me, that boy's hot as a pistol.
Now, why don't you give me that gun before it gets you into trouble? You better not come any closer.
You'll never get away with it, you know.
If you don't stop, you won't live to find out.
They'll catch up with you sooner or later.
They always do.
Stephens, for heaven's sake, he'll kill you.
Don't worry.
He can't.
- You'll thank me for this someday.
- Thanks.
Stephens, I don't know what to say.
What a magnificent display of courage.
I'm deeply grateful.
Does that mean you'll reconsider the matter of the contract with McMann & Tate? Well, l Yes, certainly.
I'll consider reconsidering it.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
What about my idea to exploit that mistake? I don't think that's worth reconsidering.
"'One of the most remarkable displays of courage I have ever witnessed' said R.
H.
Markham, president of Omega National.
The would-be robber was taken to the county-prison hospital suffering from nervous prostration.
" Sweetheart, I'm awfully proud of you.
But you took a terrible risk.
Well, actually, I don't deserve much credit.
What do you mean? Well, Sam, you Well, that bank robber just didn't have much confidence.
By the way, the print shop finally admitted they were the ones who dropped all those zeros.
Larry was so tickled about getting the account back he decided not to fire them.
Well, lucky for the printer.
It's even luckier that the printer is married to Larry's sister.
What about the promotion? Larry suggested we cool that for a time.
You know, until everyone forgets that mistake about Omega's assets.
That could be forever.
That's the period of time Larry suggested.
- Honey.
- Sweetheart.
- What? - Yes? Darrin there's something that Uncle Arthur told me Honey, I was just about to mention that.
He told you about this, didn't he? Yes.
So I'm not really a hero because that bank robber couldn't have hurt me.
Is that what he told you? Well, there's a little bit more to it than that.
Why didn't he tell me himself? Well, you see, he thought it would be easier Better, if I did it.
What is it? I don't get it.
Well, Uncle Arthur was just trying to build your confidence.
- That isn't a lucky charm? - Hardly.
And that bank robber was holding a gun on me and I And I - Well, I called it, didn't I? - You did.
I'll get the smelling salts.