In Living Color (1990) s04e32 Episode Script

And action.
Hey, what's Scruffy MacKenzie have that we don't have? Face it, guys.
You're not the party animal he is.
So, when you party hard, make surethat Scruffy MacKenzie.
.
.
and Juggs Lite are included.
Right, Scruffy? All right, that's a wrap.
Where the hell did Scruffy go? - All right, you guys, take five.
- I beJohn Brown.
Duke, here we are.
This is your commercial here.
You make this, boy.
.
.
You make this big break here, you'll have all the straight bitches running after you.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
I think the audition's over.
Oh, it can't be over, 'cause you ain't seen Duke yet.
- What in the.
.
.
- Yeah, lookee here.
Duke is perfect for the part.
I'll tell you what.
He can do impressions too.
Yeah, watch him do Bruce Lee.
[Karate Yells.]
Actually, I don't know if you notice, but I think your dog is, uh.
.
.
- You Fathead Davis, ain't you? - No, no.
Well, I beJohn Brown running like a glue factory.
Look at you, boy.
I remember when you wasn't no bigger than this.
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.
and you was a Cub Scout out there in the woods.
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and a wolf bit your head clean off.
- Boy, look at ya.
- Okay, okay, let's just do this.
- Everybody, one last time.
- There you go, Fatty.
- Hey, my name's not Fatty.
- What you wanna do? All right now, come on, everybody.
Let's take it from the top.
I tell you what, Duke, now this your chance here.
As soon as you make this money, you can get that cleft in your chin like thatJackson boy.
And.
.
.
action.
Man, what's Scruffy MacKenzie have that we don't have? Face it, guys.
You're not the party animal he is.
You was close, Duke.
Just next time open your mouth up.
Why do we love Scruffy MacKenzie? Because he never gives us the runaround.
There you go, Duke, run around there.
There you go, run around.
There you go, Duke.
Fall into that runnin'.
Look at that, there you go.
You got you a white girl there, snowflake.
Look at that, boy.
So, when you party hard, make sure that.
.
.
- Get him off of me! - I'm sorry about that.
.
.
- but you know Duke is a leg man, pumpin' fit.
- Eww! All right.
Somebody call my agent.
Hey, look at that, Duke.
I think you done won there.
Look at that.
You got the commercial, son.
As soon as you make enough money, we can move from here.
I love you like you was my own.
You don't run like you used to, Duke.
You all right? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another oneof those funky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin'listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe but some ofthe best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go If it pleases you, I prepare your dinner, Lo Lee.
- Thank you.
Now die! - [Groans.]
Take this away.
It depresses me.
Lo Lee, the village is not yours to toy with.
The Great One will stop your evil plan.
[Groans.]
[Male Announcer.]
Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon.
Now you can see world championfemale bodybuilder Vera De Milo in.
.
.
Breasts of Fury! Hey, why don't you guys pick on someone.
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with your own testosterone level? Are you the Great One who has been sent to avenge us? No, but I'm on steroids.
So when I get cramps, look out.
There is no hope.
That's it, Chang.
No pain, no gain.
Dok, take care of this.
It bores me.
Lo Lee.
You evil overlord.
- I come bearing bitter fruit.
- I don't fear the.
.
.
What is that smell? You'll have to excuse me, I'm in heat.
[Whinnies.]
Get her! [Bones Crack.]
You broke my arm! So learn how to swim in a circle.
Nice moves, but you're no Patrick Swayze.
[Laughs.]
You fight well, genetic freak.
But let's see how you do against Domo! [Yells.]
[Yells.]
Oh.
Sorry, must be ninja-vitis.
[Groans.]
Is that tempura in your belly, or are you just happy sashimi? There's only one way to take down this big boy.
Look up there.
It's Rodan, and he's fighting with some other creature.
- [Blows.]
- [Giggles.]
[Yells.]
Oh, no! I have been defeated by poison pit.
I've turned bigger stomachs than yours, mister.
Hey, Lo Lee, not so fast.
My breasts are quite beautiful, aren't they? And, oh, so distracting.
[Yells, Groans.]
That's what you get for peeking.
What's a girl to do? [Announcer.]
Vera De Milo has Breasts of Fury! Now, Luther, you wasting your time calling here every day.
I ain't gonna hire you back.
I said plain as day, "Give Mama a glass of juice".
.
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not "Give Mama's ass a goose.
" Besides, your brother is fittin' in just great.
Chitlin plate.
Pick it up.
Hey, lady, can I get a steak knife? Uh, yeah.
Just let me finish up with it.
I'm down to my last corn.
Oh, lucky, lucky.
That one just popped right off.
- Pop-Tart, pick it up.
- [Bell Dings.]
Barney Rubble goes both ways! I beJohn Brown.
Look it here.
Oh, Dr.
Turner, come on in here.
Oh, lucky day.
Mack Daddy in the house.
Hold on, Mama.
I thought we agreed I get the next man.
- Oh! - Well, what say you get me a special to go.
- Dr.
Turner, I've been getting this pain right here in my side.
- Mm-hmm.
Where? - Uh, lower.
- Land o'goshen.
- Lower.
- I believe you.
If you go any lower, he's gonna be touchin' your breasts.
Well, anyway, you know I'm not a real doctor.
Actually, I took a correspondence course.
Actually, I'm a doctor in what you call philosophy.
Oh, well then, uh, my "philosophy-an" tubes ain't doing too well either.
- Ain't got no damn beaver.
Got possum though.
Pick it up.
- [Bell Dings.]
Francis, I thought we said this was my customer.
Now don't you remember your panty hose are in the back stewing.
And by the smell of things, I'd say they were ready.
- Be right back in a minute.
- Well, get on with your bad self.
I trick-or-treat with a colostomy bag! Lookee here at this jukebox.
Boy, it's a shame the jukebox ain't workin'.
.
.
'cause if it was, I'd cut a rug.
Look it there.
Look it, y'all, now you better ask somebody in this joe.
Hey, lady, I need some service.
If you could pull yourself away from Deney Terrio.
- Ain't got no "Niko," got Cheerios.
Pick it up.
- [Bell Dings.]
Oh, that's right, baby.
Mama promised you some ketchup, right? Here you go.
- I ordered soup.
- Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Stop shoutin'.
You're spittin' on me.
Um, Francis, get this man over here some soup.
Uh, coming right up.
Uh, unfortunately, my panty hose soaked up all the soup, but there's still a little left.
- Just say when.
- Y-Yeah.
- Let me ask you a question, Doctor.
- Right on, right on.
- Is your wife still dead? - Yeah, she's still dead.
But just 'cause the hen died, don't mean the rooster don't stop peckin'.
Look it here.
Look it here.
I'm a mite thirsty though.
My throat needs something.
I need something for my throat.
Oh, I'll get you somethin'.
Let go of this, sucker.
Get.
.
.
Here's some buttermilk for you.
It's good for your "prostrate.
" - I ain't seen no leap of faith, I got a fruit plate.
Pick it up.
- [Bell Dings.]
Don't worry about my prostate though.
They took all that out.
Took all of that out, except the kitchen sink, but the pipe's still workin'.
Look it that.
Yonder go.
- If I was a ho, let it go.
Pick it up.
- [Bell Rings.]
- I'll get it.
- Uh, no, I wanna snake his main line.
- Well, too bad, 'cause he's mine.
- No, he's not, he's mine.
- He's mine! - He's mine! He's mine.
Come on, baby.
All right, Alice.
Let's go.
I can't believe I got me one.
Boy, look it there.
I beJohn Brown.
I got me a snowflake in the house.
Aw, man, there's a cat collar in this stew.
Oh, Francis, take down the sign.
- We done found Fluffy.
- Lucky, lucky day.
My bunion winked at me today! - I ain't gay.
- [Bell Dings.]
All right, Granny, hands up in the air, baby.
This is a stickup.
Hey, ho.
You thought I was reading that magazine.
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but in for real, I was casing the joint.
- Wasn't I, baby? - That's right, baby.
You've been cased.
- How does it feel to be cased? - [Both Laughing.]
- [Singsongy.]
I cased.
That was cased.
- Yeah, it was a case.
Would you please hurry it up? In 15 minutes, Amy Fisher on Ice is comin' on.
Hey, honey, don't act like you don't know who we are.
We're Bunny and Clive.
[Both.]
It's on! It's on! - Yeah, we got a slow gig too.
- That's right.
[Singsongy.]
We take our.
.
.
Well, anyway, you hold your hands up in the air, because this store is ours.
Now get it? Now, how you gonna rob the place when you can't even see? - I can see.
- How come you're pointing the gun at the hot dog machine? - I knew that.
- Move to your right, baby.
- Aah, gotcha! - Fruit roll-ups.
- Move to your left, baby.
- Gotcha in the scope, baby.
- Corn flakes.
- Oh! - Yeah! - Now you got me.
Now you just sit back and suffer, while we pillage.
That's right, we'll pillage.
We're gonna go pillage.
We're gonna go pillage.
Hey, how does it feel to have your newspapers pillaged? Those newspapers are free.
You can't tell me what's free.
Nobody can tell me what's free.
Hey, yeah, nobody tells us nothing about free.
Matter of fact, I'm gonna pay for them.
There.
How you like that? That's right, pay it, baby.
How's it feel to be paid? Paid, paid Whoo, paid, paid Hey, lady, where do you keep those strawberry douches? As a matter of fact, I'm gonna take me some of these girlie magazines like Playpen.
Mystique.
Oh, boy, look at this.
- What do you want those for, honey? - Don't start this again.
Don't I satisfy you? Why do you gotta read all this stuff for? Baby, I don't read these.
I just look at the pictures.
Oh, okay.
You two ain't very bright, are you? Ain't very bright? Look at the headlines, huh? Read the headlines.
That's right.
America's Most Wanted.
Read it and you weep.
Yeah.
"Mini-mart robbed.
Hot dog machine shot six times.
" You told me I shot a clerk.
I didn't wanna mess up your confidence.
.
.
- 'cause you're so sensitive about your bad eyes.
- I don't have bad eyes.
- Over here, baby.
- All right.
Gimme this.
Now you read it for her.
Yeah.
"Acne kitty.
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.
foo-fo, t-t-tech".
.
.
Oh, baby, I can't read.
I'm sorry.
That's all right, baby.
We'll get you Hooked on Phonics, baby.
- Don't worry about it.
- I tried, but I can't do it.
You know, I've been robbed a lot.
.
.
and you two are the worst criminals I have ever seen.
Uh-huh, well, I'll tell you what.
- Hey, Evelyn.
- [Gun Clatters.]
Super Big Gulp, and don't be stingy with the ice.
Oh, no, baby, the gig is up.
The gig is up.
- What does the sign say, baby? - Cops! Cops.
I knew it would have to come down to this someday.
I'll tell you what.
- Before we leave, you gotta write this message down.
.
.
- Yes? - All right.
- For the press.
- Recite this.
Dictation.
- All right.
- We're rebels too fast to live, yet.
.
.
- Yes.
- Too young to die.
- Yeah.
- We're Bunny and Clive.
- That's right.
Now read it back to me.
"Spanky rad flim-flee foo fo".
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.
I can't write neither, baby.
I'm so.
.
.
It's all right, baby, because there ain't a jail that can hold us down.
That's right.
We're Bunny and Clive.
- Here you go.
On the house.
- Thanks.
Hey, you two, get outta my car! [Hip-hop.]
[Man Singing.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Male Announcer.]
Welcome to The Dysfunctional Home Show.
Now here's your hostGrandpa Jack McGee.
Hi.
And welcome to The Dysfunctional Home Show funeral special.
Won't you join us? I'm just finishing this casket for my dear departed mother.
Look what the mortician did to her.
Pasty, bloated, green.
Just like I remember her.
[Sobbing.]
Jack, I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
There, there.
You just gotta think.
.
.
think of things the way I do.
She was a good-for-nothing, sleazy leech on society.
.
.
- and we're all better off without her.
- [Gasps.]
- Now give me some sugar.
- [Screams.]
Oh, you're gonna make me beg.
Cut the music.
Hey, hey! Is.
.
.
Is that a synthesizer? Is.
.
.
Is that.
.
.
Is it a synthesizer? Why don't you dedicate a song to my dear departed mother.
.
.
on your.
.
.
synthesizer? What do you want me to play? How about " That Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used To Be.
" [Playing.]
That old gray mare she ain't what she used to be She ain't what she used to be Ain't what she used to be The old gray mare she ain't what she used to be Twenty years ago Ladies and gentlemen, would anyone care to say some kind words.
.
.
about the dearly departed? [Organ Continues.]
Anybody? Anyone? Hello? - All right.
- Okay.
Tyrell, say something nice about Grandma.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, I never really liked her.
But now that she's dead, I guess she's okay.
That was beautiful and sensitive and sweet.
.
.
you black bastard.
Can't you see there are people mourning here? I mean, look at all the people that Grandma touched.
Rick, the bartender.
Dan from the Liquor Barn.
MaryJo fromthe Suicide Prevention Line.
That's MaryJo.
Well, way to go.
Nice job, Mary.
What, came to see one of your graduates? Why, I'm gonna miss ya, Mom.
You gave me everything.
You gave me life.
You gave me love.
You gave me this watch.
I can't believe you took Grandma's watch.
We get it! Yeah, you already took all the money.
Hey.
.
.
that money has sentimental value.
- Look, there's a diamond earring! - Yeah, don't she have some gold fillings or something? - Somebody got some pliers? - I got a church key.
Ah, hold on.
Gimme some leverage.
Come on, you selfish bitch! I got it! I got it! How could you do that? It's all in the wrist, son.
- [Yells.]
- [All Scream.]
Wait.
Make it another double.
.
.
and this time put some liquor in it.
What the hell.
.
.
What's going on here? Not another funeral.
Oh, Jack, this is the third one this year.
Oh, no, she's alive! What the hell is wrong with you? Can't a person slip into an alcoholic coma.
.
.
without being buried alive? You are a loser! Can't even tell if I'm dead.
Well, yes, we'll see about that.
- Somebody get me the lid.
- Somebody help me.
Go into the light.
Go into the light.
[Male Announcer.]
This has been The Dysfunctional Home Show.
All right, now let's get hyped for Delicious Vinyl recording artist The Far Side.
.
.
singing a single rising to the top with a bullet.
.
.
"Passing Me By," yeah! [Hip-hop.]
- Check one, two.
- Check it out, uh.
One, two, check it Check it out.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]