The Honeymooners (1955) s04e34 Episode Script

With the stars and You know, Charlie, let's, uh let's take a shot of him from here as he's coming out of the building after a day's work, huh? You know, I've taken pictures of big shots, movie stars, kings.
I've never run into a ham like this one.
Well, what do you expect? Yesterday, he's an ordinary bus driver.
Today, he's gonna have his picture taken, get a three-page spread in Universal magazine, tomorrow, he's being honored at city hall.
It's got to affect him.
Ah, big deal.
He won an award as the safest bus driver in the city.
Sure, sure, it's a big deal.
It's the biggest thing could happen to a bus driver.
Look, you all set? Yeah, bring in the Man of the Hour.
Okay.
Mr.
Kramden, you can come in now.
Oh, look, uh, make it natural, eh? Mr.
Kramden, what are you trying to do? Well, I thought that would be a good pose you know, for the cover of your magazine.
Look, Mr.
Kramden, this picture isn't gonna be on the cover.
This is just one in a series of articles dealing with the big days in the lives of people in various lines of work.
Well, when you wrote the story about Marilyn Monroe, you had her picture on the cover.
If you get into a bikini bathing suit, we'll put your picture on the cover.
Now, look, look, Mr.
Kramden, just stand there as you are and we'll take the shot as though you've just come out, eh? Charlie, go ahead.
Thank you.
Well, if that's all, I'm going back to the office.
Okay, Charlie.
Yeah, 12:30 sharp.
Okay.
Well, Mr.
Kramden, can we finish this interview over a cup of coffee? Oh, well, I'd like to, but, like I said I'm waiting for my friend that I told you about, Ed Norton.
Oh He's gonna meet me here.
Well, I guess we can do it here.
Mr.
Kramden, something you said struck me as being very strange.
Now, uh, you've just won the award as the safest bus driver of the year and yet you say that you felt that bus drivers don't get the recognition they should.
Well, that's right.
You see, this award that I'm getting is a special award.
Mm-hmm.
You know, it's not an award that's given out all the time.
And, uh like cops and firemen-- they get awards all the time, and I think that a bus driver is just as much of a public servant as they are.
Yeah, but those awards are usually given out for bravery in the face of extreme danger.
Now, uh, when does a bus driver have to show bravery in the face of extreme danger? When?! All the time! Oh? Heh, only the other day, a lady got on my bus, she's got a dog must've been six-foot high.
It's one of those French poodles, you know, with the Italian haircuts.
Yeah? ( chuckles ) So she tries to get on the bus with the dog.
I said, "Wait a minute, lady.
You can't bring that mongrel in here.
" She says, "What do you mean, mongrel? It's a pedigree.
" I said, "I don't care what it is.
"Pedigree or a mongrel, it can't get on the bus.
" Well, uh, what did she say to that? She says, "How dare you! She says, "This dog is worth $10,000!" Well, then what did you do? Well, I said, "If he's worth that much, let him take a cab.
" ( both laughing ) ED: Hey, there, Ralphie boy! Well, how's the celebrity? You all ready to go home now? Yeah, pal.
Oh, by the way, this is Mr.
Martin from Universal magazine.
This is my friend Ed Norton I was telling you about.
Oh, yes.
How do you do.
How do you do there? Well, I'm glad to have the chance to ask you some questions, Mr.
Norton.
Well, if the category is Ralph Kramden, I'm willing to take a shot at the $64,000 question.
Well, let's see now.
To begin with, you're close friends? Well, I'm as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden.
Mm-hmm.
We've known each other for a long time.
Tell me, how long ago did you meet? Oh, I'd say, uh You're a riot, Norton.
A real riot.
Uh, Mr.
Norton, tell me something: What kind of work do you do? Well, I'm employed by the city.
I see.
In a white collar job? No, you see, it's more of a wet collar job.
I'm a, uh, underground engineer.
Oh.
He works in the sewer.
That's a layman's way of putting it.
Now, Mr.
Norton, tell me something: Have you ever ridden in your friend's bus here? Oh, yes, I ride my friend's bus every opportunity I get the chance, because I am assured of a comfortable, smooth, safe ride.
Mm-hmm.
And besides that, he lets me ride on the bus for nothing.
Gee, I'm sorry Charlie left.
I'd like to have gotten a picture of you two together.
Oh, well, if you want to get a picture of the two of us, just be at the commissioner's office tomorrow.
My friend is gonna be there to see me get the award.
You betcha.
I wouldn't let my old buddy boy be there receiving a big award, the biggest day in his life, without me being there.
I'll be there.
And by the way, uh, our wives will be there, too.
You can take a picture of them.
Oh, that's right.
Tell me something: How about the women.
Are they close friends, too? Oh, they're inseparable.
Well, that's fine.
Well, Mr.
Kramden, according to my notes, you're, uh, you're very consistent.
No, no, no, no, no, you're steady.
That's it.
Steady.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's the angle I'll feature in my story: your steadiness.
Now 14 years with the same bus company, happily married, and all of you good friends throughout all those years.
Oh, ho-ho.
The four of us get along like the Three Musketeers.
Well, I'll see you and your wives tomorrow afternoon at the commissioner's office.
Okay.
Mr.
Norton.
Nice to have met you.
Mr.
Kramden, a pleasure.
Glad to have seen you, Mr.
Martin.
See you, men.
Thank you.
All right.
Good reporter.
Well, I don't mind telling you one thing, Ralph.
I'm telling you, I've been worrying all day long.
What a day I've been put through.
What are you worried about? What am I worried about? This is the last day, this is the last day before you receive the award.
You've gone all this time with no accidents.
Now, I mean, what would happen to you, the thing that would happen, you'd get in an accident-- that's the logical thing to happen to you-- and ruin the whole thing.
That's ridiculous.
One day is just the same as another to me.
Well, I don't care.
Just for safekeeping, when I got up early this morning, I crossed both my fingers on both hands.
And it's not easy working a shovel this way, I tell you that.
MAN: Hi, Ralph! Oh, hiya, Freddy.
What do you say, Norton? Hey, Freddy.
Well, tomorrow's the big day, huh? Yeah, right, and you're just the guy I wanna see.
Eh? What about? Well, I gotta go down to the commissioner's office tomorrow and I'm bringing Norton and his wife and I'm taking Alice with me and I'd like to go in class.
Would you lend me your car? Well, let me see, uh, I'm working tonight, Clemens'll give me a lift home, I'm gonna sleep all day tomorrow I don't see why not.
Here, I got the key somewhere.
Aw, that's swell, Fred.
Here's the key.
The car's in the parking lot down the street.
Thank you very much.
Have a great day, Ralph.
All right, pal.
I'll leave it in the parking lot for you tomorrow.
Fine.
Thanks.
All right, buddy.
He's all right, that guy.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what, Ralph, I was just thinking, and, you know, there's a lot of good drivers in the bus company and you've been driving now for 14 years without an accident.
I mean, how come some of the other fellas haven't been able to do that? How do you account for that? Well, Norton it's like everything else.
A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, but there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others.
Yeah, I guess you're right there, Ralph.
If you stood out any more in front, you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus.
Let's go home, Norton.
Alice Alice, where did you put my belt? It's right here on the table for you, Ralph.
Why do you have to hide everything? Ralph, will you please relax? Now, here's your tie.
All right.
Will you hurry up? We're gonna be late.
Are you sure this tie is gonna match my new jacket? Ralph, I wouldn't have picked it out if I didn't think so.
All right.
Will you hurry up and get dressed? Ralph, I could've been dressed a long time ago, if you'd only let me alone.
Now, will you do me a favor? Just calm down and stop being so nervous.
I am not nervous, Alice.
I am not nervous! You're just saying that to make me nervous! All right, you satisfied? You got me nervous now! Alice, I don't like the way these shoes look.
Where are my other ones? They're at the shoemaker's, Ralph.
Well, you took 'em there last night.
Aren't they ready yet? Ralph, will you be reasonable? He couldn't possibly have finished them this fast.
He could if he paid more attention to fixing shoes instead of the grand opera.
Let me see your shoes.
They look perfectly all right to me, Ralph.
They're fine.
Sure, they look fine to you.
Well, they don't look fine to me.
Never mind all of that.
How do you like my new dress, Ralph? Very nice.
I certainly hope it'll look well when they take the pictures.
It'll look fine.
Now will you hurry up? We gotta be there at 12:30! Ralph, uh Yeah? our laundry didn't come back yet and I'd like to have a handkerchief for the vest pocket of my new sport coat.
All right.
There's some handkerchiefs in the top drawer.
How about this one? It's one of my new ones.
Remember, just wear it in the pocket.
It's for showin', not blowin'.
What are you doing? I can't make a knot with this thing.
It's made of silk and the knot won't stick.
Well, you're nervous.
Here, wait a minute, wait, wait wait! Let the old sailor show you here now.
Now, wait a minute.
Just hold still.
Do you want a big knot or a small knot? I don't care, just as long as it's a knot.
Just hold still and don't be so excited.
( choking ) Wait a minute! What are you trying to do, choke me to death? Just trying to help you, that's all.
Now you spoiled the knot.
I'll spoil your head in a minute.
Why I ask you to do anything for me Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Ed, honey, what have you been doing down here so long? I'm all ready.
I've been helping Ralph, there, tie his tie.
All I gotta do is put on my jacket; I'm all ready.
Oh.
Oh, Ralph, Ralph, is Alice ready? I don't know what she's doing in there.
She's been dressing for three hours and a half.
Will you come on? Oh, well, if I gotta wait, I might as well take my coat off.
Hey, Ralph, how do you like my new dress? It's all right.
Didn't I see you wearing that before? Oh, you couldn't possibly.
I just bought it.
How do you like it, Ralphie boy? That's an exclusive creation.
Aw, Edmund, will you please go up and get your jacket? I'm going, I'm going.
Hiya, Trixie.
How do you like my new-- Alice! Trixie! Hey, don't those dresses look alike? Alike?! They're like the Bobbsey Twins.
Trixie, how could you do this to me? What are you talking about? You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, Trix.
I told you I was going down to Bloomgarden's to buy this dress.
I described it right down to the smallest detail.
You mean I told you.
Trixie, you know that I described this dress to you first.
The shoe is on the other foot.
Oh, you gonna start on the shoes now? Now, wait a minute.
There's nothing wrong with wearing the same dress, is there? What?! What?! Well, look, it's very simple how to fix this whole thing up.
One of youse will have to take the dress off and wear something else.
Yeah, but which one? I guess you better go upstairs and change your dress, Trixie.
Mine fits.
I'm I'm wearing this dress.
I'm wearing this dress.
Well, I'm not going if she's wearing it.
I'm not going if she's wearing that dress.
Oh! What are they doing?! Look, Ralph, uh you and Alice ought to make plans, go there without us.
You know how I'd like to be there to see you get the award, Ralph.
Look, Norton, you gotta go up and talk Trixie out of taking that dress off.
I'm too young to die! Here it is, the biggest day of my life and everybody's ruining it.
Look Look, Ralph, I'll do it-- only for you.
I wouldn't do it for nobody else, but I'll do it for you.
"Into the Valley of Death rides the 600.
" Alice, will you come out here? I want to talk to you for a minute.
It's no use, Ralph.
I'm not gonna change my mind.
Alice, are you going to tell me that you're going to let between you and Trixie be broken up over a dress? Yes, if it's the same dress.
Everybody's going nuts! This is ridiculous.
Ralph, how do you think it's gonna look when the pictures come out in the magazine and there I am standing right next to Trixie in the exact same dress that she has on.
Every woman who sees the magazine's gonna laugh at me.
Is that all you're worried about? All right, when they start to take a picture of us, I'll step right in front of Trixie.
No, Ralph.
Do you realize we gotta be there in a few minutes, Alice? I'm sorry, Ralph, you'll just have to go without me.
Go without you?! All the fun in receiving the award, Alice, is having you by my side when they give it to me.
Can't you understand that? All right, Ralph.
I'm sorry.
I guess I was just being selfish and childish, like you said.
I'll go in and change my dress, Ralph, and I'll be right out.
Sweetheart, you're the greatest.
Alice, Alice, could I speak to you a minute? Trixie, I'm awfully sorry for the way I spoke to you before, and I've decided I'm gonna go in and change my dress and I'll be right out.
No, no, no.
Now, you wear the dress and I'll keep my raincoat on, buttoned up like this and nobody will even know we have identical dresses on.
Oh, and Alice, I'm awful sorry for the silly things I said.
Oh, that's all right, Trix.
But really, it isn't fair.
I don't mind.
Alice, will you shut up?! Now let it be this way.
She'll wear the coat, you'll wear the dress.
I'm going in to put on my jacket.
Will you tell Norton to get ready? He'll be right down here.
Trixie, you sure you don't mind? Course not.
Oh, Alice, we've been through too much together to let a silly thing like this come between us.
We certainly have.
Oh, Alice, I don't know, I just think that dress is just wonderful on you.
Well, you know something? It looks awful cute on you, too.
( both laughing ) Well, we ready to go? You look very sharp.
Thank you.
That you, Norton? Yeah! Here I am! All right, come on, let's go.
You sneak.
I'm not going out of this house till you take that coat off! ( indistinct arguing ) All right, Norton, all right.
I heard you, I heard you.
After all, you want to get dressed up nice; so do I.
And you were big enough to say, "Norton, you wear the jacket.
" I mean, you liked the jacket.
You liked the looks of it.
It looked good on you.
It was nice, but you let me wear it because you're a friend of mine and I want to thank you and I appreciate it.
You're welcome, Norton.
I admit I got the build for it, for this particular type of garment.
All right, Norton! Now let's get going.
Come on.
TRIXIE: Ow, ow, oh! What? What? I'm gonna have to go upstairs-- ooh! What'd you do? Well, I just took a step and my heel came loose.
If I take another one, it's gonna fall off.
This is a plot.
It's a plot.
This whole thing is a plot against me.
Everybody's plotting against me! We're late! All right, Ralph.
Just go and bring the car around while we wait for Trixie.
That'll save time.
Yeah, I'll hurry.
Go hurry, get you heel fixed.
I know how she hurries.
Come on, give me the keys.
I'll go get the car for you.
What do you mean, give you the keys? Give me the keys.
I'll get the car for you.
You're driving to the Safe Award dinner, you're a little nervous, and you're upset, Let me get the car.
I'll chauffeur you, I'll drive it for you.
We'll be better off.
Are you trying to put the jinx on me? No, I'm not trying to put the jinx on you! I'll get the car myself.
Will you please leave him alone? He's a little jumpy.
I know.
That's why I offered to drive the car, to take the strain off his nerves, that's all.
Well, he'll be all right.
You know Ralph.
It's just that this is such a big day for him.
Boy, I know it's a big day.
Going down there to city hall, getting the award, meeting all the muckety-mucks.
The commissioner, the mayor, Universal magazine interviewing him and all.
I know.
Just between you and me, Ed, I'm a little nervous myself.
Well, you, you This could mean a lot to Ralph's career, you know.
Certainly it could.
Hey, uh, I wasn't gonna mention this, but somebody I heard down at the bus company somebody said that, uh, somebody had an idea of putting a plaque on the front of Ralph's bus saying, "You are now driving with the World's Safest Bus Driver, Ralph Kramden.
" Ooh! A plaque like that? Ed, you can tell me.
Who got the idea? Ralph.
Oh.
Well, I'll be very glad when we get there.
Boy, so will I.
What is keeping him, anyway? ( tires screech ) ( cars crash ) What do you think that was, Ed? I don't know.
I'm afraid to look.
It can't be, Ed.
It just can't be.
RALPH: Why don't you look where you're going?! MAN: Well, it's not my fault! It's your fault! RALPH: My fault? I had the right of way! Why don't you learn how to drive? MAN: Look what you did to my car! RALPH: Your car?! How about my car? Oh, boy.
Oh Ed, I feel very faint all of a sudden.
All right, take it easy.
Take it easy now, Alice.
Sit down and rest.
Wait a minute.
I'll be right back.
MAN: You pulled out of Good thing I had another pair of the same color.
Alice, what's the matter? Ralph had an accident.
( groans ) RALPH: And I'll find-- MAN: I'll find one! Yeah, go ahead and find a cop 'cause I'd like to see one.
You're gonna be sorry for this! I'm gonna be sorry? Are you kidding? Where did you get your license, in a raffle? I'll show you! Helen, you wait in the car.
I'm getting a policeman.
Go ahead and get a policeman.
I want a policeman, too! Wait a minute! There's nothing in the world that you want less than a policeman.
Don't you realize that? What are you talking about? This wasn't my fault.
Well, the policeman will get here, he's gotta make a report, don't he? He goes over to the accident, makes a report, gives it to the paper, newspaper reporter gets it, I could just see the headline: So what? What's wrong? "Safe Award Drive Winner on Way to Receiving Award, Has Accident.
" You're right.
Well, what am I gonna do? Well, just settle the thing here.
You pay for the scratch you put on his car, and you get Freddy Muller a new fender.
Hey, that's right.
That way, nobody will be any the wiser.
Certainly.
Yeah! Well, maybe you're right.
( man muttering ) There's never a policeman around when you need him! Now, look, pal.
What are you getting all upset for? ( laughing ) Yeah, well, it's your fault! Who cares whose fault it was? We don't need a policeman.
We don't need a cop to settle this.
Listen Look, all I did was scratch your fender.
Now, look, I'll pay for it Yeah.
and square the whole thing.
Yeah, well, it's a good thing for you that I'm in a big hurry.
Otherwise, I'd make you go to the police station.
Drivers like you are a menace to the community.
You're absolutely right.
Now, uh, do you want to take my name and address? Yeah, well, I can only repeat that you're very fortunate that I'm I'll settle the whole thing with you Monday.
such a big hurry! Yes, no-- I'll make you settle it! Now what's your name? Ralph Kramden.
K-R-A-M-D-E-N.
You'll hear from me! settle things.
Okay.
Well, at least it turned out okay.
Heh-heh, you dirty old That kills me.
That kills me.
It was not my fault! Look, just don't get upset.
You're getting all upset now.
Let's calm down and look nice when we go down there.
There's no sense in getting upset.
Now, listen, the boys in the sewer there, when we get upset, we got a little motto, a little saying that gives us a little comfort in time of need.
Maybe I can pass it on to you.
May I favor you with this little ode? "When the tides of life turn against you, "and the current upsets your boat, "don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float.
" ( groans ) Where are they? They should be right here.
Gentlemen, they'll be right here in a minute.
They're on their way up now.
Just relax.
RALPH: Come on There they are.
Here they are.
How are you? Right over here in the light, please.
All right.
Right this way.
Over here? Mr.
Kramden, is there any particular type of pose you'd like? Oh, are we gonna take a pic? All right.
Good to see you again.
How are you? You can arrange it yourself, sir.
Arrange it? All right.
Just get close together.
My does my hat look all right, Ralph? Huh? Yeah.
My hat.
ED: Hot day, huh? How are you? "Pro-feel"? A little closer, please.
Hat.
Oh.
All right, folks.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
That's wonderful! Thank you.
Mr.
Kramden, I want to congratulate you.
And the city is proud of your record.
Thank you very, very much, sir.
Yes.
Oh, by the way, Mr.
Kramden, uh, I'm very sorry that the commissioner won't be here himself to give you the award, but he was taken down with a sudden attack of the flu.
REPORTER: Well, who's gonna present the award? Well, I've arranged to have Judge Lawrence Norton Hurdle take the commissioner's place.
Judge Hurdle? That's right.
( whistles ) Hollerin' Hurdle.
Hollerin' Hurdle? Yeah, he's a traffic court judge famous for his $50 fines and 50-minute lectures.
Oh, yes, that's right.
He's very strict about traffic offenders, but there's nobody in the world he admires more than a careful driver.
Well He said he'd be very honored to give you the award.
Thank you very much.
Yes, now, uh, I'll get the judge.
Oh, by the way, after you get your award, I'll take you upstairs and let you meet the mayor.
( all oohing ) Oh, I'm so proud of you, sweetheart.
I've always wanted to meet the mayor, I'll tell you that.
His Honor, Judge Hurdle.
Here is Mr.
Ralph Kramden.
Is this the man who gets the award? ( hemming and hawing ) Judge, uh is something wrong? Well, Mr.
Kramden and I were involved in a traffic accident a few moments ago.
Accident?! Now wait, wait, wait, until you hear the whole story.
I was under the impression that the accident was Mr.
Kramden's fault.
That he didn't put out his hand to make a right turn.
But on the way over here, my wife informed me that he did put out his hand and that I failed to see it.
Well, and for a very good reason, because unwittingly I was wearing my reading glasses instead of my regular glasses.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
So there, yes, the accident is my fault! ( all laughing ) And to keep the record straight, I'm fining myself $50.
( all laughing ) Don't forget the 50-minute lecture.
Mr.
Kramden, it gives me real pleasure to present to you this award as "The Year's Safest Bus Driver.
" Thank you.
My Ralphie boy, there.
Thank you.
Uh, may I say thank you very much in presenting me with this award.
I know that I am not worthy of it, but still I would wish to accept it on behalf of all the other bus drivers in the country who drive uh, who drive buses.
I'm glad to see that people realize that a bus driver hasn't got an easy job of it, and that the safety of the public is always the uppermost things in their mind.
And, once again, I want to thank you and you for presenting me with this and thank you fellas for taking the pictures.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go upstairs with my wife and my friends and meet the mayor.
Yes, sir.
This way.
Thank you very much.
Hear, hear.
Nice speech.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.