The Honeymooners (1955) s04e38 Episode Script

With the stars and Hey, Alice.
Hey, could I, uh, borrow Ralph's big, uh, monkey wrench? I'm working on the pipes upstairs, and I ain't got no water.
Yeah, Trixie was telling me about that.
But I thought the janitor was going to fix the pipes.
Aw, janitor fix the pipes? He don't fix nothing.
I'm telling you, I-I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this, you know.
Hey, everybody in the building gets water except us.
I know, Ed, and it's no joke.
You tell me it's no joke.
Boy, I-I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd work eight hours in the sewer and come home and want to see water.
( chuckles ) Well, I'll see if I can find the wrench for you.
Yeah.
Hey, there, Ralphie boy! Will you stop that?! I got a splitting headache.
Well, I'm sorry, Ralph.
Must you always be loud like that? Can't you say, "Hello, Ralph?" ( quietly ): Hello, Ralph.
Why don't you take some aspirin? I did.
Didn't it help? Didn't it do no good? Now, isn't that a stupid question-- to ask me if it did any good? If it did any good, would I be sitting here holding my head, waiting for it to blow up? I know just what you're going through, Ralph.
When I was in the navy, boy, I'll never forget I had a headache like that once.
Boy, pounding.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Stop that! Oh, sorry, Ralph.
I had this headache.
I couldn't get rid of it, see? So, I went to the navy doctor.
So he examined me.
He says I had pressure on the brain.
He should remove it.
So, well ( chuckles ) I took a lot of kidding from the boys on the ship, you know, 'cause afterwards they-they said, "What did he do, remove the pressure or the brain?" ( laughing ) Don't ask me 'cause I know what he removed.
Here you are, Ed.
Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Hiya, hon.
Thank you very much, Alice.
I shall return it.
Okay.
( door slams ) Ooh! What's the matter, Ralph? Oh, I got a headache.
Oh, I'll fix you an ice pack.
Wait a minute.
What are you going to do with that? I'm going to chop some ice, of course.
No, I don't want to hear any banging.
Don't chop anything.
Just keep quiet.
Open the window.
Let some fresh air in.
I'll be all right in a couple of minutes.
Okay.
( sighs ) ( window slams ) Ah! What's the matter with you? I told you to tell the janitor to fix that window.
I did tell him, Ralph.
I told him a hundred times.
I also told him to fix the bedroom closet and the leaky faucet.
Well, that's what you get.
That's what you get for treating a janitor in the correct manner.
That's my thanks for giving him a Christmas present.
I didn't have to do that, you know.
I could have smoked that cigar myself.
I didn't have to give it to him.
Well, since you're the one that's so good to the janitor, Ralph, why don't you run down and ask him to fix a few things around here? Don't worry, I will.
Up to now I've been a little too lenient.
I've only been down there five or six times this week.
But from here on in, he's gonna know that I live in this building.
( metallic clanging ) What's that? That's Ed.
He's working on his water pipes.
( clanging continues ) Well, can't he get the janitor to fix it in the daytime? He asked him to, Ralph, but I guess he didn't give him a nice Christmas present like you did.
Norton! Norton! ED: What? What? What? What? Will you stop that banging up there? I've got a headache.
Well, I need water! I've got to take a bath.
Do me a favor and stay dirty just for the night.
( sighs ) ( yells ) Ralph, it's no good your going on suffering like this.
I'm gonna run next door to Mrs.
Manicotti and get some of those headache powders she uses.
All right, sweetheart.
I'll be right back.
Ralph.
( clears throat ) Yes? Out of consideration for you, I stopped banging on the pipes, but I need some water.
Do you mind if I borrow some? Take all you want.
Use one of the pots to take it upstairs if you want.
No, never mind.
I've got something to hold it in.
I'm sorry to keep barging in like this on you.
I know you don't feel well, but, uh, we-we got unexpected company.
Trixie's folks came in there for dinner, and we've just got to stretch the soup.
( knocking ) Come in.
Oh, oh, here he is-- our lovely landlord, Mr.
Johnson.
I knew you'd be up here.
Headaches and you go together.
Oh, well, I'm certainly happy to see you there, Mr.
Johnson.
Why don't you send your janitor up to my place and give me some water? I haven't had any water in so long, I'm beginning to see mirages.
Look, you two are pretty good at making complaints, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something.
There ain't no janitor.
He just quit.
And do you know why he quit? He quit on account of you and you.
Now that's the fourth janitor that I've had this year, and they all quit on account of you because you wouldn't give them time to rest.
Because you'd hound them night and day, and you made their lives miserable! We make their lives miserable? Get a load of that! Now, look, I pay my janitors very well.
I give them $150 a month and free rent.
And still they quit.
They wouldn't stay in the same building with you if I paid them $1,000 a month! Now, this is the end.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to see my lawyer, and I'm going to get you out of this building.
One way or another I'm going to get you and you out of this building! Now, wait a minute, Mr.
Johnson.
Don't get upset.
I'm sure that I can straighten What's going on here? Uh, nothing, sweetheart.
Uh, would you step out into the hall with me, Mr.
Johnson? I'm sure I can straighten this whole thing out.
Ed, what's there to straighten out? ( grumbling ) Johnson's oh, I don't know.
He's mad.
He's mad at-at Ralph and me.
We're too tough on his on his precious janitors.
He's threatening to throw us out of the building, or something, I don't know.
What?! Yeah.
Well, let him try.
Let him go ahead.
Get a lawyer.
I don't care.
I'll fight fire with fire.
I'll get a lawyer.
You ever heard of Sam Wiggims? No.
Oh, boy.
Best lawyer in town.
He specializes in those cases, you know, where a landlord threatens to throw out a tenant? Let me see, uh If I only knew how to get ahold of him.
Well, don't you know his office number? I knew his old number.
He was evicted last week.
Well, everything's fixed.
What do you mean, everything's fixed? Everything's fixed.
Now, look, the tenants in this building have to realize this-- that a janitor is a human being.
He's got to be treated with respect.
He's not a slave, not a horse.
If you want things done for you, you've got to speak nice to the janitor.
And another thing.
When the janitor does you a favor, tip him a couple of bucks, show him that you're on his side.
As a matter of fact, I think everybody should chip in around Christmas time and give him sort of a bonus or something.
Maybe around Easter time too.
Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
$150 a month, free rent, tips, Christmas, Easter bonuses.
( chuckles ) Boy, if the job was that good, I'd take it myself.
You're, uh, too late.
I beat you to it.
Ralph! I am the new janitor of this building.
Have you gone completely out of your mind, Ralph? You've already got a job.
So what? Now I'm going to get two salaries, and we don't have to pay the rent on this apartment.
Ralph, you can't possibly handle all of that.
Boy, you've done some crazy things in your time, but this is without a doubt the craziest.
Har, har, hardy, har-har.
Uh, wait a minute, Ralph.
Wait, I think I think your wife speaks words of wisdom.
I think that a time like this, you should just stop and give serious consideration to this before you assume these grave responsibilities.
Now, do you realize all the long hours entailed in this job? Long hours that normally would be devoted to Alice and to your other friends and to recreational activity? True, there will be some financial reward or renumerinaries, but have you realized that money doesn't mean nothing uh, compared to the sacrifices you're going to make to this here job as janitor.
Now, considering all of this, you still want to be janitor? I certainly do.
Okay.
Fix my pipes.
Ho-ho, would I Oh, hiya, Ralph.
You're home already? Yeah.
I came right home as soon as I took the bus in.
I want to tell you, this job as janitor certainly keeps you hopping.
What's that? Oh, this is a house telephone.
It's, uh, keeping in line with my new efficiency system.
You see, now, if anybody in the building wants me, all they have to do is buzz me, instead of yelling out the window for me or yelling down the hall or screaming, "Where is he?" You see, if other janitors that took care of this job had this efficiency system in mind, they'd still be here.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I got a few items for you to try out your new efficiency system on.
While you were working today, Mrs.
Bennett dropped in to complain about her radiator.
Two, Norton wants his water pipes fixed.
Three, the fire inspector was around.
He said you'd better clean out the cellar or else.
Four and five, Norton wants his water pipes fixed.
Six, Mrs.
Olsen said you didn't fix her venetian blinds.
You broke it.
All right.
I heard enough.
Oh, you haven't heard anything yet, Ralph.
Wait till I get through telling you about Mrs.
Hannon's bathtub.
That's really a doozy.
What's the matter with these people? Don't they realize a janitor only has two hands? Don't expect any sympathy from me, Ralph.
The work has piled up on you for one reason: because you had to go bowling last night.
And while you were bowling, I had to take out the ashes and bank the furnace.
Now, I did not ask for the job of janitor, Ralph, you did.
So if you don't want the work to pile up on you, then you'll just have to cut out bowling and some of this other foolishness of yours.
Now, that's one of the most ridiculous things I ever heard of.
Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation.
Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight.
You don't need anything to keep your weight down.
You need something to hold it up.
Oh, ho-ho, ho.
Bang! Zoom! Get my supper.
I'll be very happy to fix it for you, Ralph, if only to prove that somebody in this family can fix something.
Well, I guess that does it.
Now I'll tell all the tenants in the building that the house phone is in, and they can buzz me.
RALPH ( yelling ): Attention, everyone! Everybody in the building! Hear this! The house phone is in.
If you want me, just buzz.
You don't have to yell in the hall anymore.
( coughs ) ( clears throat ) It's dusty out in that hall.
( buzzer blaring ) Hello? Oh, hiya, Mrs.
Manicotti.
What do you mean, I didn't fix your sink? While you were out Sunday, I spent three hours fixing your sink.
And by the way, you could at least have the courtesy if you want me to fix your sink, to take the dirty dishes out of it.
Huh? Oh.
All right.
( clears throat ) How do you like that? I spent three hours Sunday fixing the kitchen sink, and it was the bathroom sink that was stopped up.
( buzzer blaring ) Hello? ( buzzing continues ) Hello? What do you want, Mrs.
Fogarty? Somebody's been taking things out of your icebox? Well, what are you telling me for? You think I'm the type of man that goes around taking things out of people's iceboxes? Don't be a wisenheimer, Mrs.
Fogarty.
They're all nuts.
( buzzer blaring ) Aww! Hello? No, Mrs.
Schwartz, this is a house phone.
You can't get Jersey on it.
They're all nuts, Alice.
They're all gone.
Sorry you took the job, Ralph? No, I'm not sorry.
It'll take more than a few complaints to make me quit.
( gasping, choking ) What's the matter? What's the matter, Norton? Are you having an attack or something? Can I get you anything, Norton? Yes.
Water, water, water.
I want water! I hope there's some water on the moon 'cause that's where you're going to end up! Ah, come on, you've been telling me for a whole week now you're gonna fix my pipes so I can get water.
Well, I'm not gonna vote for you for Janitor of the Year.
You've done nothing.
You're the worst yet.
You didn't even pick up my garbage this morning.
I didn't pick up your garbage because that is part of my efficiency system.
Efficiency?! Yes, efficiency.
Your garbage pail was half full.
When it's full full, I'll take it down.
That way I'll make one trip instead of two trips.
Save a trip here and a trip there, and it all mounts up.
That's what I'm afraid of.
It's mounting all up over the building.
Look, can't you and the rest of the tenants understand that you've got to cooperate with the janitor? You help me, and I'll help you.
There's an old saying, you know.
"One hand washes the other hand, and both hands wash the face.
" Never mind with the old sayings.
Just give me the water.
I know how to wash! Sarcasm will get you no place.
Just remember, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.
Yeah.
Well, with your efficiency program there with the garbage cans, the least worry I have is attracting flies.
Phooey! Listen, Ralph, I don't blame Ed for getting sore.
How would you like to go without water? Now, I think you should drop everything else and go up and fix his water pipes.
I can't drop everything else.
I'll fix your water for you tomorrow morning.
Thank you very much.
Just make sure you do.
My patience is exhausted.
And mark my words, this is the last night I take a bath in Fred's gasoline station.
Ralph, why do you have to wait until tomorrow morning? Why can't you do it tonight? It's very simple.
Tonight I have to clean out the cellar before the fire inspector gets there.
Now, I don't want to hear any more about being a janitor.
I just want to sit down and eat my supper.
And may I say that this roast beef is a very pleasant surprise.
Thank you.
( buzzer blaring ) I'm not answering.
Let them ring and ring and ring 'cause I'm not answering! But they're playing your song.
I don't care whose song they're playing.
I'm not answering! ( buzzer continues ) Yeah? All right.
I'll tell him.
Well, who was that? Mr.
Riley.
He said, and I quote, "Eureka, my garbage can is full.
" ALICE: Ralph? Yes! Are you down there? Yes, I'm down here.
You'd better hurry up, Ralph.
It's a quarter to 8:00.
You'll be late for work.
I know what time it is.
I think I know where the trouble is on account of the water pressure.
It's down here.
I'll be up in a minute.
( coughs ) Janitor? Oh, janitor.
Oh, excuse me, janitor, for barging into your private office here.
If I told you once, I told you a hundred times, don't call me janitor.
I am a maintenance engineer.
Would you mind engineering a little maintenance and getting my pipes fixed up in my place, please? It just so happens for your information, Mr.
Norton, that the solution to your problem is not upstairs, it's down here.
The whole trouble is water pressure.
There's nothing wrong with your pipes.
Pressure, huh? That's right.
Pressure.
It's a simple scientific principle.
I hope that you realize that water always seeks its level.
Yes, we've heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer.
Well, the trouble is that all I have to do is turn this wheel on that water pipe, it'll increase the pressure, and you'll have all the water you need.
Oh, I see.
Now move those boxes out of the way and hold this.
What's the matter? I can't reach it enough to get a good grip on it.
ALICE: Ralph! What? It's five minutes to eight! I know it's five minutes to 8:00! Well, get around in a different position at it.
Look, you asked me to give you water this morning, I'm gonna give you water this morning.
And there's more ways to skin a cat.
If I can't reach it this way, I'll just go around the back and come through there.
Uh Uh, Ralph, I, uh, I think it's a little tight squeeze in there.
This is a case where the spirit is willing, but the flesh is just too much! Will you just stay out of this and let me handle it? Yeah.
( grunts ) What's the matter? I'm stuck.
You're stuck? Wait a minute.
Hold-hold-hold everything.
I'll give you a little push now.
Wait a minute.
Just Stop that! What are you trying to do? Break my leg? I can't reach it.
You can't reach it, huh? Well, now, just-just-just be calm.
Uh, let me see now.
Uh ( grunts ) Look, maybe if I get out of here and you get in here, you can reach it.
That'll do it, that'll do it.
I'm smaller.
I mean, I hate to embarrass you or anything like that, but, you know, you're just a little too chubby.
Ah, shut up.
All right, get out.
Get out there, and I'll get in there.
( grunts ) Go on, out, out, out, out.
I'm trying to get out! I'm stuck! Oh, you're stuck? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute now.
Uh, let's see, I couldn't push you in, but maybe maybe I could push you out.
Ow! Get off me! What are you trying to do? Break my neck? Oh, Mr.
Kramden! I'm stuck in here.
Will you get me some help? Oh, my goodness! Help! Help! Is everybody going nuts in here? Ralph, maybe we could call the fire department.
What good is the fire department gonna do? Well, they're good at a lot of things.
They get cats out of trees.
I knew a fireman that delivered I am no cat! I've gotta get out of here, Norton.
The heat from these pipes is killing me.
Well, wait a minute now, you've gotta Is there some way I can turn off the steam? ALICE: Hey, Ralph Listen, go into the other room.
Eh? What is it, Alice?! It's 8:00.
You better get moving.
I know it's 8:00! Well, what do I do? Go into the other room, the furnace room and there's a wheel in there.
Turn it toward the wall.
Turn it roger, wilco.
Norton! You turned it the wrong way! Huh? You turned it the wrong way! Turn it toward the wall! The wall? Yes, the wall.
There are four walls! Turn it to the right! All right! I'm not in I know it's 8:00! Norton, will you turn it? ( fire alarm clanging, siren wailing ) ( buzzer blaring ) All right, all right, I'm coming.
Hello? Oh, yes, Mr.
Johnson.
Yes, we did want to see you.
Well, if you can come up right now, it'd be perfect.
Thanks.
Whew Don't start anything, Alice.
Don't start anything, or you'll get yours.
Who was that? Mr.
Johnson.
And he's on his way up here, Ralph.
Now, when he gets up here, you just tell him that you're quitting.
You tell him that you've discovered that you're absolutely incapable of handling this janitor's job.
Now, that's exactly what I'm not going to tell him.
I'm not incapable of handling this job.
I was handling that janitor job just perfect.
Then that thing had to happen, and it wasn't my fault, Alice.
It wasn't my fault.
No.
No, it wasn't your fault, Ralph.
You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of baloney in a one-pound bag.
Ho, ho-ho, you're a riot, Alice, a regular riot! ( knocking ) Come in.
Oh.
Hello, there, Mr.
Kramden.
I hear you had a little bit of trouble in the cellar this morning.
Well, I don't want I don't want to say anything about it.
It's a mere bag of shells.
I don't know why everybody's making such a fuss about it.
And it wasn't my fault in the first place.
Uh, by the way, I'm glad you've come up here, Mr.
Johnson, because I have some bad news for you.
Unfortunately, I'll have to give up my job as janitor here.
Not because I'm incapable but only because it makes a few demands on my leisure time that I can't afford.
I see.
However, I don't want you to be panicky because until you get another janitor, I'll keep on at the job, taking care of everything.
D-D-don't do that.
I-I mean, uh, it's very nice of you to be so thoughtful, but as a matter of fact I've already found another janitor.
In fact, he's already on the job.
That, Mr.
Johnson, is pretty sneaky.
I hope whoever you got is on the ball, a guy that doesn't goof 'cause there's plenty of things in this apartment that need attention.
That window needs to be fixed.
That sink needs to be fixed.
It leaks all the time.
I'm glad you brought it up.
The janitor's on the floor right now.
In fact, I'll send him right in.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Johnson.
Thank heaven that's over with.
Isn't it a relief, Ralph, not to have to go to work tonight? You busy yourself around this house.
Now you can go bowling with Norton.
You won't have a thing in the world to worry about.
Go bowling with Norton? Go bowling with Norton? If I live to be a hundred years old, I wouldn't go bowling with Norton.
The gall that that man has to do what he did to me-- circulate a petition amongst the tenants and get them to sign it to fire me as janitor! ( knocking ) Come in.
Probably the new janitor now.
Come in! At your service, folks.
No, ho-ho.
No, no, no.
That can't be it! It can't be any