The Honeymooners (1955) s04e39 Episode Script

With the stars and Look, Norton, will you make this quick? I wanna go home.
I'll make it quick, I'll make it quick.
I just wanna go in and say Hey, who was the guy that waved to you in the lobby out there? Oh, that guy.
That was Bill Davis.
I never did like that guy, ever since I knew him.
I haven't seen him since we were kids.
You don't like him, huh? No, I don't like him.
Well, you sure gave him a fast brush.
Well, he's one of those loudmouths, you know.
Always telling how good he's doing.
If he's doing great, he'll never let you hear the end of it.
And ten to one, if he's doing good, he'd get the news to Alice.
Alice? Yeah.
When we were kids, the both of us courted Alice at the same time.
Oh, I see.
Well, come on, will you? It's getting late, I wanna get home.
All right, all right.
I just wanna go in and see Slugger Simpson.
I mean, after all, he was nice enough to give us the tickets to the fight.
How would he feel if I didn't go in there and congratulate him? Congratulate him? How can you congratulate a guy that got knocked out in the first round? You wouldn't talk that way if you seen him fight three weeks ago down there at Ridgewood.
He was fighting McHenry.
Oh, boy, he was bobbing and weaving.
Giving the old one, two.
I'm telling you, he threw so many punches that McHenry thought he was fighting an octopus.
Oh, I'm telling you, he was a different man that night.
He won, huh? All right, I'll go in there, say hello to him instead of waiting.
I'll be right out.
All right, make it as short as the fight.
All right.
Hey, Ralph! Boy, this is luck.
After I lost you in the crowd, I figured I'd never see you again.
Hiya, Bill.
You see, the reason I had to run down here was my friend was anxious to see one of the fighters that was on the card tonight.
Well, uh, certainly is nice seeing you again.
Oh, nice to see you, Ralph, after all these years.
Tell me, how's Alice? Oh, she's fine, fine.
You know, in the old days, if anybody would've said that you and I would be shaking hands and talking friendly, we would've thought they were crazy.
Yeah, we had a lot of fights.
We certainly did.
But we're grown up now.
Yes, sir, we certainly had some beauts! Yes, sir, we had some beauts! What are you laughing at? I was just thinking of the thing I wrote in your autograph book.
Boy, you were sore about that.
Today it's something to laugh at.
What thing in my autograph book? Uh "Some kids are small, some kids are tall, "Fatso Kramden is the only kid who walks down the hall wall to wall!" ( guffawing ) Ah, funny, isn't it, huh?! Very funny.
Yes, sir.
Hiya, Ralph.
Told you I wouldn't keep you waiting.
Oh, Norton, this is Bill Davis, this is my friend, Ed Norton.
Hey, slip me five so I know you're alive.
Yeah! Glad to know ya.
Glad to know ya.
Well, uh, how are you doing? Oh, great, couldn't be better.
You know, I moved to Chicago.
Got my own manufacturing business.
My headquarters' in Chicago, my plants are in Akron.
I'm figuring on opening a branch office in New York, so my wife and I took a business trip.
Say, how about you, Ralph? Ho, I'm doing great.
Yeah? What's your line? Transportation business.
Transportation business? Yes, Gotham Bus Company.
Well, what do you do? Oh, I run things.
Say, that's quite a company.
And you run things? Yup.
Oh, yeah, he's in the driver's seat.
Well, I'm real glad to hear how well you're doing, Ralph.
Yep.
I'd sure love to see it for myself.
Hey, suppose I come over and you show me around the place tomorrow? Oh, tomorrow? Well, I'm not gonna be there tomorrow.
I'm very busy doing some outside work.
Well, I don't want to take away from your work.
You break for lunch, don't you? How about then? Well, I'm not gonna be around for lunch.
I have some important meetings around lunchtime.
Take up all my time.
Well, I'm an early riser.
I'll be there the first thing in the morning.
Oh, no.
Right around that time, I have most of my appointments.
Yeah, yeah, he sees loads of people between 8:00 and ( clears throat ) Ah, too bad I'm flying back tomorrow evening, or we could've made it for another day.
Oh, you're flying back tomorrow night, huh? Yeah.
Yes, it is a shame.
I would've liked to have taken you over and showed you my office, taken you around the place.
Gee, swell, where you located, Ralph? Oh, down on 9th and 48th Street.
Tomorrow I'll stop in for a minute and see your set-up.
Oh, you can't do that; I won't be there.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You're the boss.
Leave word with your secretary to have one of your employees show me around.
I'll be there at 6:00.
Wait a minute, uh Wait a minute.
Don't come at 6:00.
Uh, come around 6:30, and I'll come back from whatever I'm doing and I'll show you around personally.
Oh, Ralph, I don't want to put you to any trouble.
Oh Trouble's his middle name.
Yeah.
It's no trouble at all.
You just be there at 6:30, and I'll take you around.
Okay, it's a date.
I'll be there at 6:30 at your office.
Okay, pal.
Nice meeting you, Mr.
Norton.
And I'm sure glad I ran into you, Ralph.
Yeah.
Me, too.
So long.
( clears throat ) Well, uh, general, what is your plan? Don't worry, I got it figured out.
That's why I told him At 6:00 Mr.
Monahan and all the office help go home.
Now, I gotta take a chance and make believe that Mr.
Monahan's office is my office.
He'll be home, he'll never know the difference.
Uh-huh.
Well, what happens if Billy boy asks one of the bus drivers where Mr.
Kramden's office is? That will not happen.
There's only one way to get into the building, that's the main entrance.
You will be down at the main entrance.
As soon as he comes in, you bring him right up to my office I mean, Monahan's office, and he'll think it's my office.
And incidentally, when you finish work tomorrow, put on a suit.
I'll have to wear a suit, too.
Yeah, sure.
I'll be glad to help out any way I can.
But I don't understand.
Why do you have to make out you're such a big shot? I had to, Norton.
I just had to.
You see, when we were kids, both of us were courting Alice at the same time.
Both of us promised her the moon.
Well, I don't want him to think that he made it and I didn't.
Just for Alice's sake.
Oh, I see.
You and your pride.
You got a nice job, you're happy in your work, and just because he's a rival of yours, you gotta be pretending that you're something you ain't.
Boy, I'm telling you I bumped into a guy a couple of months ago that Trixie was wild about.
You know, used to go around together.
I didn't put on any airs, you know.
When he asked me what I did, I told him I was a sewer worker.
I didn't try to make no impressions.
I didn't care what he thought.
What did he do? He was a garbage collector.
Hello, this is Mr.
Monahan.
May I speak to my wife, please? Thank you.
Hello, dear.
Yes, I find I'm going to be detained at the office for a little while.
Yes, I do realize it's after 6:00.
Well, I can't promise you, but I well, I expect I'll be leaving here oh, between 6:30 and 7:00.
Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I just couldn't help it.
All right, dear, then I'll call you when I'm just about ready to leave.
Thank you, bye-bye.
Come on, Norton.
Step into my office.
Well, there it is.
Well, so far your luck is holding out, Ralphie boy.
Don't worry, I knew what I was doing.
When 6:00 comes, boom, home they go.
Well, when Davis comes up here, he's gotta think that I'm the head of the whole bus company.
Now, listen, R.
K.
, now, just listen to me for a minute.
When I bring him up here, remember, you are the president of the Gotham Bus Company, not a driver.
So don't give yourself away by yelling, "Step to the rear of the office.
" Just go downstairs and bring him up as soon as he gets here, and I'll be right behind the desk.
Right.
Kramden.
Dah! Well, what are you doing here? ( stammering ) What are you doing behind my desk? Listen, listen, come, come, Kramden, now.
What's the explanation for this? Oh, well, you see, I come up to talk to you about a little business, and I was looking at your chair, and I thought I'd sit down and see how it feels to be boss.
Well, from now on, let's see if you can possibly avoid playing kowtow to your whimsy.
Yes, sir.
Now, what was it you wanted to see me about? Want to see you about? Uh oh, um, do you think that you could arrange for a promotion for me to, uh, like dispatcher or something like that? Kramden, you know you've been around here long enough to know that Mr.
Muller has complete say over those promotions.
Yes, sir.
( phone ringing ) Now, if there's any other suggestion or anything Yes? Mr.
Monahan.
Hello? Oh, yes, Riley, yes, I'll be right down.
Now be sure you have everything set up.
Yes.
I can only spare you ten minutes.
All right, right.
Well, I'm sorry.
Well, if there's nothing else Kramden.
No, there's nothing else.
Bye.
Good night.
Ahem.
Right this way, sir.
Mr.
Davis to see you, Mr.
Kramden.
Hello, Bill.
How are you? ( chortling ) Ralph, this is a very impressive-looking place you've got here.
Thank you very much.
Boy, what an office.
Well, I'm glad you had the chance to see it.
Now let's get going.
Go? I just came here.
Well, I don't want you to miss your plane.
Oh, if that's what you're worrying about, forget it.
I got plenty of time.
Well, let's sit around and talk.
Wait a minute.
Look, I forgot to tell you this.
After I made the appointment with you, you see, I found out that I had a lot of work to do and I gotta do it right away.
Oh, relax, Ralph, will you? You know, I've seen a lot of big executives like you burn yourselves out.
Take my advice and slow down.
Yeah, I'll start tomorrow.
Now, can we No, nothing doing, nothing doing.
You're starting right now.
You and I are gonna have a nice, leisurely chat about old times.
And I guarantee you, before long, say, in about a half hour or so, you'll feel like a new man.
A half hour? But I haven't got a half hour.
I have an appointment with Mr.
Monahan in ten minutes.
Geesh! Ralph, you're all wound up.
Why don't you call this Monahan character and cancel your appointment? I can't call up.
You see, the phones are all shut off.
I gotta hand it to you, Ralph.
I never dreamed that you'd ever be the head of an operation like this.
And you sure did it fast.
Yeah, practically overnight.
Ahem.
Excuse me for interrupting, R.
K.
, but it's 20 minutes to Monahan.
Yes, I'm very sorry, but I just have to get to my work now.
Well, if you've got to, you've got to.
Hey, uh, maybe the next time I come to town we can get together with the wives.
Well, that'd be fine.
I'll get in touch with you.
Thank you very much.
Say, uh, what's the phone number here? Oh, well, don't call me here.
Call me at home.
Oh, sure, all right.
What's your home number? Uh it's an unlisted number.
I can never think of that number.
Oh, yes! Bensonhurst 60098.
Can I always get you there? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Trixie the maid is always there.
Well, thank you very much.
Now, will you show Mr.
Davis down to the street? Oh, okay, Ralph.
Bye.
I'll be seeing you, and I'll send you something the first thing I Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
( sighs ) Kramden! What are you doing in here?! You're right! You're absolutely right.
Muller's the man to tell me about the promotion.
TRIXIE: Oh, Alice! What is it, Trix? Telephone.
Oh, gee, I can't come now, I'm just starting supper.
Okay.
Hello? Yes, it is.
Who? Bill Davis? Well, when did you get into town? No.
Ralph didn't tell me.
Oh, you saw him again this afternoon? No, he's not home yet.
Well, this certainly is a surprise.
Well, what are you doing in town? When am I gonna get a chance to see you and meet your wife? Oh.
Well, I'm sorry your flight was canceled, but I'm glad it'll give us a chance to get together.
Yeah, you want to come over here? To our house.
Well, if you'd rather not, sure, that would be wonderful.
Yeah, I know Ralph will be delighted, sure.
That'll give us plenty of time.
All right, we'll meet you in the Colonnade Room at 9:30.
Oh, I'm really looking forward to seeing you, Bill.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Take it away, Trix.
Okay.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, hiya, Ralph.
I just talked to Bill Davis.
You talked to who? Bill Davis on the phone.
You did? Yeah.
How come you didn't tell me you met him at the fights last night? Well, when I got home, you was asleep, and this morning when I got up, I forgot about it.
Uh He didn't say anything, did he? Well, just that he saw you at the bus company this afternoon.
Why? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
Gee, he must surely be doing well, Ralph.
Well, he says he is, yes.
He invited us to have dinner with him tonight with his wife.
That's impossible.
He's flying to Chicago tonight.
No, he's not.
The airlines just canceled his flight.
And he's so glad that they canceled it, Ralph, because it'll give us all a chance to get together.
Wait till I tell you where we're gonna have dinner.
The Colonnade Room.
We are not going.
Why not? Because we're not, that's why.
You know what kind of a place that Colonnade is, don't you? Well, Ralph, I've heard about it for years.
It's supposed to be a very fine, exclusive restaurant.
Is that so? Well, that shows how much you know about it.
It just so happens that it's the most expensive restaurant in the whole world.
What do you think it costs to eat there? If it costs a cent, it must cost three dollars a person.
Ralph, Bill invited us.
He doesn't expect you to pay for anything.
Besides, he was down at the bus company.
He knows you're a bus driver.
I'm not going.
Now, listen, Ralph.
Bill was nice enough to invite us, and I accepted his invitation, so we have to go.
Besides, we never get a chance to go to a place like that.
And we haven't danced together in years.
You wanna go dancing? Okay.
Tonight I'll take you to the Hong Kong Gardens.
Dance all you want.
Oh, Ralph! You can even have those sweet and sour lichi nuts that you like.
I'll go the whole route tonight.
Listen, Ralph, this is a lot of nonsense.
You can't give me one good reason why we shouldn't have dinner with Bill and his wife.
I can't? I'll give you a reason.
The food at the Colonnade is no good, that's why.
How can you say that? How can I say it? Name me one truck driver who eats there.
Oh.
( mocking laugh ) Well, how about a little, uh game of pool tonight, R.
K.
? A little game of pool? That is, if you're not tied up in a board of directors meeting? I'm in dire trouble, Norton.
What? Davis called her.
Called her up.
He called her up today.
Uh-oh.
Oh, you mean, you mean, she knows about the boss's office? I don't know, but she's sure to find out.
He invited us to dinner.
He's gonna take his wife, Alice and me, we're all going to dinner.
It's sure to come up.
Now, I gotta have some excuse for not going.
Now, come on.
Gimme some excuse.
Something to say.
Anything.
Anything.
Wait a minute, I'm thinking.
The wheels are turning.
Now wait a minute.
Now, wait, wait, wait.
Uh I got it.
Tell him you got a new job.
That you're captain of the Ile de France and the ship is sailing in 20 minutes.
What good is that gonna do me?! Well, you asked for anything! If that isn't anything, I don't know what is.
Anybody to ask you for an idea must be an idiot.
Come on, Norton.
Gimme an idea.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Will you stop getting in such a stew? Don't worry about it.
When you're together, don't talk about business.
Get off the subject.
Talk about something else.
Don't talk about business.
That's right.
He told me I shouldn't talk about business.
I should forget business and relax.
I'll burn myself out.
That's it.
Well, every time he starts to talk about business, I'll remind him that we're out on pleasure and I don't want to talk about business.
Good.
I'm certainly glad I thought of that.
All right.
Now, listen, let this be a lesson to you.
I mean, all the time when you start to show off, it gets bigger and bigger and it grows and grows like a chain reaction.
I mean, you got out of it easy this time, but you may not be so lucky next time.
I know it, Norton.
I know it.
Me and my silly pride.
I promise you this, Norton: I'm gonna learn.
I'm gonna learn from here on in how to swallow my pride.
Well, that ought not to be too hard.
You've learned how to swallow everything else.
Get out! Mm, that was a delicious dinner.
I don't know when I've had a better steak.
Would anyone care for any dessert? No, thank you.
No, thanks.
I've been putting on a little weight lately.
Would you like some coffee or demitasse? Demitasse.
Uh, coffee.
Demitasse.
And you, sir? Uh, I don't want either.
I'll have a small cup of black coffee.
Funny, funny! Oh, Bill, I'm so glad you asked us out tonight.
It's been such a wonderful evening.
Believe me, your old man can stand an evening like this.
I got an idea this afternoon of how hard he works.
Uh, look, now, please.
I asked you not to talk about business.
We're all here on pleasure.
Let's not mix it up.
That's a good rule to stick to.
Yep.
I'm telling you, Alice, I've seen men who take their responsibility seriously, but Ralph has got them all beat.
I know, he certainly does work hard.
I can tell from the few minutes I spent at the bus company.
Uh, what do you say that we go in and have a little dance in the other room, huh? Will you excuse us? I may never get this chance again.
Surely.
( chuckling ) ( humming ) You know, it was certainly nice of Ralph to invite us here tonight.
Well, uh, I've got something to confess to you, Millie, uh I invited them.
You invited them? Yeah.
But this dinner has to cost at least $40.
We can't afford it.
Whatever made you invite them? Well, Ralph and I went to school together, and I, uh, I didn't want him to know I wasn't doing good, so I said I had my own company.
Factories in Akron, headquarters in Chicago.
Well, anyway, I did it.
Well why couldn't you tell him you're an assistant plumber? Aw, I guess it was my foolish pride.
Oh, Bill! Now what are you gonna do when the check comes? Look, Ralph is the head of a bus company.
This is his town.
He's not gonna let me pay the check.
Well, I don't know.
Listen to me, will you, Millie? A big shot like him has probably got a charge account in every one of these restaurants.
Oh, I feel terrible about this.
Well, look.
Look, I'll tell you what you do.
Now, the only thing to do is make a gesture like you wanna pay the bill.
All right, honey, I will.
I'll ask for the check like I wanna pay for it.
But believe me, after seeing the place he runs, I'm sure money means nothing to Ralph.
Now, listen, I don't ever want you to do anything like this again.
Yeah, I promise.
( humming ) I can do those fox trots, but when it gets to mamba music or samba music, I'm out.
Oh! Mamba samba.
Well, come on, Bill, let's go.
Oh, excuse us.
Oh, waiter, bring me the check.
Very good, sir.
Aren't they a nice couple, Ralph? Yeah, they certainly are.
I gotta admit, success certainly didn't spoil him.
No, and you know what's so wonderful is seeing a successful person stay so plain and unaffected.
You know, tonight's gonna cost him a pretty penny, Ralph.
Well, what does he care? He's loaded.
He don't care.
You know, a guy like him, an executive, they can charge all of their stuff off, you know, on entertainment or something.
The government allows them that.
But, Ralph, the next time they come to town, we've got to have them out to the house.
Oh, no.
I mean, who knows when they'll come out this way again.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Just as sort of a nice gesture, I'll make believe I want to pay the bill.
Oh, Ralph! It's nothing.
You know, I'll just say, "Please, let me pay the bill.
" I'll feel better that way.
Oh, no, Ralph.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, it's tough to mamba on a full stomach.
Yes.
It certainly is.
There's your check, sir.
You know you know, when I first met Bill, he wouldn't sit out one dance.
Oh, the check.
I'll take it.
Now, wait a minute, Bill.
I insist that I pay the check.
Okay, Ralph.
( swallows ) I got a confession to make.
If my wife Alice has told me this once, she's told me a thousand times.
That I shouldn't try to be somebody I'm not.
I can't afford to pay this check.
I'm not the boss of the Gotham Bus Company, I'm just a bus driver.
That office I had you in today belongs to Monahan.
He's my boss.
I'm sorry.
It's just another case of my silly pride.
Oh, Ralph.
You couldn't have done a thing like that.
I don't know what to say.
Bill, you'd better say something.
Oh, Ralph, I haven't got any company in Chicago.
I'm an assistant plumber.
We didn't We didn't come here by plane.
We came by bus.
I can't afford to pay the check either.
( all laugh ) You're an assistant plumber! You're a bus driver! Oh, baby! Well, I got 16 bucks! Well, I got 12! And here's nine! Put it in the pot, there! I know I've got seven.