Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s04e40 Episode Script

1 Merry Christmas, everyone! ALL: Merry Christmas, Scott.
Oh, boy, nothing says Christmas like a cupful of mulled wine.
But much like "Finnegans Wake," I finished it quickly, so time to get rid of this cup.
Scott, you can't burn Styrofoam.
It releases greenhouse gases that cause global warming.
Duh.
- Give me a break, Cudi.
Global warming is a myth, a lot like Santa Claus or the male orgasm.
First of all, the Earth's temperature has always changed.
And secondly, Al Gore is a-- The walls fell down.
What is this, a Tom Petty song? Hey, gang! There's a spot over here! Come on! What the--How did our studio wind up on the beach? It's climate change.
The rising sea levels now mean that the studio is beachfront property.
It's a Christmas beach party! It's a Christmas beach party, yeah, yeah Christmas beach party Hang up all the stockings and do the twist Come on, Santa, baby, let's do it like this It's a Christmas beach party Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah! Hold on! Hold on! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't have Christmas on the beach.
I mean, that's-- That'sAh.
You don't need snow Or a yule log You don't need presents Or eggnog Even without a Christmas tree It's still Christmas to me It's still Christmas To me Uh, who's that? Oh, that's Ahoop.
Ahoop? I've never heard of a name like that before.
No, it's a parody of the name Annette.
Her parents were MacArthur Genius Grant award-winning satirists.
Anyway, what's a stiff soup can like you asking questions about her for? I don't know.
I've never felt this way before.
I mean, there's something about seeing a young teenage girl in a bikini.
I think I'm in love.
"Comedy Bang! Bang!" It's "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" Featuring me, Kid Cudi.
"Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" "Comedy Bang! Bang!" - Hey there.
Welcome to "Comedy Bang! Bang!" We have a great show tonight.
Josh Groban is here as well as musician The Beetle.
I'm Scott Aukerman, and tonight we are having a real Christmas beach party.
Whoo! Oh, and by the way, if these are your sunglasses, you left them in terminal E of the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport in fall of 2006.
Let me know if these are yours.
They look expensive.
All right, well, let's say Merry Christmas to our good friend Kid Cudi.
Hey, Merry Christmas, baby.
Happy Christmas.
Much snow to you, my friend.
Hmm.
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't understand ASL or American Sign Language.
Yeah, I--This is all just gesture gibberish to me, or gesturish.
Look, I thought I'd develop a new sign language for us to communicate as a gift for Christmas, but I guess it was a stupid idea.
Oh, no, Cudi.
Come on.
You can teach me the sign language.
- Really? - Yeah.
Meet me after the show.
We'll do, like, an eight-hour session.
- Okay.
- All right, Cudi.
We'll check back with you later.
Well, coming up, we-- Wait a minute.
Hey, Cudi, is that your music? Oh, it's the teenagers.
Oh, Cudi, there's Ahoop.
Maybe I should go talk to her, huh? You should most certainly do that.
Okay, yeah.
I'll just be myself.
And if I get nervous, I'll just tell her how many Magic: The Gathering cards I own.
Or wait, is it don't tell? Ah, I don't know.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hi, I saw you from over there.
I'll tell your optometrist the good news.
You're pretty funny.
Thanks.
I think I'm pretty funny too.
But most guys don't even listen to my jokes.
They just want to ogle my body.
I'm sorry.
What were you saying? I was too busy ogling your body to listen.
You're-- A stud? Yeah, I am.
Yeah.
Wow, it's weird.
We're almost finishing each other's Anyway, you're probably wondering how I got such a thin, wispy body.
Well, it's because I eat a good breakfast every morning, something like toast or a cereal like-- Cheerio.
Oy, mates, I just surfed over from Liverpool.
Oh, my God.
It's the show's special Christmas guest, that mop-top British rocker, The Beetle.
He's so cool! Oy, dingoes, there's only two things in life I love-- the beach and rock and roll music, don't you know? Although I'm beginning to think I might make room for a third.
Say, Ahoop, I was wondering if you and I could maybe take a stroll down the beach.
I say, instead, what if we went for a cone and a pop? Oh, gosh, I'd love to.
Oh, out of sight.
Let's jib jab, baby.
What? Oh, no.
I better get back to the show.
All right, well, let's get to our first guest.
He's sold over 25 million albums worldwide, although, technically, the retailers sold them.
He just recorded music for them.
Please welcome Josh Groban.
Hi! - Hi.
- Yes.
- Good to--So nice to see you.
Oh, very nice.
You never know with the superbugs these days.
Yeah, exactly.
Of course, it's the holiday season.
It's a germy world we live in.
Of course.
Welcome back to the present.
- Thank you, Scott.
- Yeah.
Yes, last time we were in the '60s.
Mm-hmm.
Fantastic.
Please meet our new bandleader, Kid Cudi.
Yes, lovely, very lovely to meet you.
Big fan.
That was--that was awesome.
- Oh, wow.
Thanks, man.
Walking out to that music is the edgiest I've ever felt.
- Really? - Yeah, that was wonderful.
So now, Josh, Christmas.
You know, isn't Christmas Eve the fun one and Christmas Day is just a big letdown? Yeah, you get a lot of good food on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, what I like about Christmas Eve is it's the-- it's the--it's the anticipation.
It's the excitement.
Yes, yes.
And then, you know, you run downstairs in your onesie.
I'm usually naked on Christmas Eve.
- Just Christmas Eve? - All the way.
Into the morning.
Does this have anything to do with Santa? Just like being naked, opening up gifts.
So, Josh, you are a wonderful singer.
You're a wonderful actor.
- Thank you.
- And you can charm the pants off of anyone you meet.
Is there anything you can't do, you know? Well, Scott, it's very nice of you to say those things, and glad you asked that.
If I think about it, can't drive a stick shift.
Can't speak Portuguese.
I can't build a functioning boat.
I can build a nonfunctioning boat.
Oh, okay.
I guess that would come in handy.
I can't name all 30 species of predatory lizards.
I can't eat a whole ham in one sitting.
I can't do most karate moves.
But you can do some? Does this answer your question? Hiya! Ha! - Ho ho! Whoa, man! What else? I can't spell the word "restaurant.
" I can't see the color orange, and I can't sing.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You can't sing? Scott, I just threw that in there to make sure you were paying attention.
Of course I can sing Oh, bravo.
I can't tie a tie.
I can't tie my shoes.
I couldn't tell you what animal says meow.
I can't turn left when I'm driving.
I can't walk down stairs by myself, and I can't tell you my address or my phone number.
Josh, how are you a functioning human being? Can't tell you.
Now, Josh, is it difficult to accept the fact that, due to your singing career, you'll never be able to pierce your tongue? Well, I mean, I never say never about anything.
Anything on you, any tattoos? No.
I might get my first tattoo this year.
Well, Cudi, you have a lot of tattoos.
What's the first tattoo you ever had? I got a picture of a kite with, you know, a little string - Mm-hmm.
- And a key at the end of it - Oh.
- And, like, a lightning bolt striking that key right along the shaft of my penis.
Cudi, what a wonderful homage to Benjamin Franklin.
It's because of him we have all of this magic tonight.
- Ho ho ho! So now, Josh, it is the holidays, and a few years back, you put out this wonderful holiday album, "Noel.
" Actually, it's a common misconception that it's a holiday album.
Actually, it's-- it's called "Noel.
" - "Noel"? - Yeah.
- Wait, like the name? Yes, as in Noel Gallagher from Oasis.
It's all about him.
It's not about Christmas.
That can't be right.
I mean, the songs on here, the first one is "Silent Night.
" That is about a moment, a brief moment, where Noel got away from Liam for a second and got a little peace and quiet.
The "Little Drummer Boy"? That is about former Oasis drummer, Alan White.
He is not in the band anymore, but, you know, he and Noel are still friends.
"The First Noel"? Gallagher was actually the first Noel that I ever met.
"Petit Papa Noel"? Also about Noel Gallagher.
He's a little guy, and he's a dad.
"Panis Angelicus"? That's a typo.
The P should be an O and the N should be an S.
BOTH: "Oasis Angelicus.
" - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, you know what? You convinced me.
Great.
Did I, Scott? Because in actuality, I was just joshin'.
Wait, what is this? "Just Joshin'," what's that? It's my new prank show, Scott, where I lie to people for a while and then eventually say I was just joshin'.
- I like it! Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- I mean, that's a great title because your name is Josh.
Oh, yeah.
I-I didn't--I hadn't thought of that.
That's-- - Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Just joshin'.
You got me again! Okay, great, so when does the show premiere? During the Super Bowl.
You know what, that's actually not a good time slot for-- Are you just joshing? Yep.
Oh, man, you know a lot about Oasis.
Well, you know.
- So, Josh-- - Oh! Scott, sorry, before you continue, I wanted to tell you about this really cool toaster that my uncle's thinking of buying.
Oh, sure.
Scottster? What gives, man? Why you no listen to my story? I'm sorry, Joshster, it's just, you know, Ahoop is over there, and I'm still hung up on her.
I don't know how to get her to like me.
Get her to like you, huh? Well, I think I might have a Christmas song to help you with that.
Oh! Santa's big and jolly But I don't mind He's a diamond in the rough He's one of a kind Strutting around In that bright red suit Wearing a Santa hat and coal black boots Hey, Santa, give me a gift I want to unwrap it if you catch my drift Give me your special present You know what I mean An Epson WorkForce WF-2660 printer With a built-in fax machine Uh, okay.
How does that particular song relate to my situation? Actually, I suppose it doesn't.
It's just an excuse for me to sing my holiday hit, "Fax Machine Santa.
" - It was really good.
- Thank you so much.
Do you want to finish that story about your uncle's toaster? Oh, yes, it burns your favorite "Looney Tunes" characters right into the bread.
It's awesome.
- Great.
All right.
We'll be right back with more Josh Groban after this.
I think that's gonna be a big holiday hit for you.
I think so, too, although it doesn't work on sourdough.
Oh, yeah.
I guess I was talking about the song.
proudly presents "Bikini Christmas!" Brother gets toys and things But I get jellyfish stings Ooh, ooh, jellyfish stings My snorkel You know it ain't too plain My snorkel looks like a candy cane Without stripes Oh, palm tree, oh, palm tree If I squint, you look Christmassy "Star Wars" used to come out in the summer Now they come out now Announcer: "Bikini Christmas!" available wherever music is sold.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Josh Groban and-- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
God, what is going on over there? Play a song for us, Beetle.
Righty-o, then.
Oh! I don't get it.
Why does everyone like this guy? Oh, it's very simple, Scotty Totty.
It's because I'm a Brit.
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm a Brit, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah What you Americans call a truck Is what I call a lorry And those you call Republican Are what I call a Tory The man I call prime minister You call president Across the pond it's Michael Scott But I say David Brent And you may ask me: Why do I say chips instead of fries? My answer is, and I sure hope this comes as no surprise 'Cause I'm a Brit, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm a Brit, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah And what you call a cookie is a biscuit to me And the stuff that you call poop Is what I call pee 'Cause I'm a Brit, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, I'm a Brit, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah Yes! All right, we'll be right back with more Josh Groban after this.
Whew.
Can't follow that.
Well, I'm sorry.
I don't want anyone to know.
Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Josh Groban.
And half of our studio is a beach, which reminds me Ahoop, I know we haven't gotten the chance to talk very much, but if you'd just take a walk with me, there's something I'd like to explain to you.
Ahoop, you're so hot And I'm pretty funny Let's combine forces A comedian And a beach bunny Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh My stomach is sinking When I look at you That's what I'm thinking Pardon if I stare But, boy, what a pair Don't go with The Beetle He's a piece of shit - Oh! Instead, go with me You should know I'm pretty rich Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Our thoughts we are syncing When I look at you You know what I'm thinking Pardon if I stare But, boy, what a pair Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Oh, Scott, that was beautiful.
Do you really have a lot of money? I mean, compared to all the people on this beach, yeah.
Bingo bongo, what's all this then? Hey, take a hike, you Limey dork.
Ahoop is with me now.
- Is he cutting up? - No.
I mean, I don't know who I'm with.
It's too bad you guys can't do a surf competition and figure out who gets the girl.
Knowing who is better at surfing would really help me decide who I liked more.
Well, then Bob's your uncle, mate.
A surfing competition it is.
Winner gets the bird.
Hee hee! I gotta go.
Bye.
- Oh, boy.
- Wow.
Hey, I can learn everything I need to learn about surfing in the next commercial break, right? I mean, I learned to fly a plane in 30 minutes.
Oh, you did? -Well, I mean, I watched, you know, a video.
You know, it's just kind of like, you know with more Josh Groban after this.
Molly Molly, Coachella Hey, welcome back.
We're here with Josh Groban.
And, well, I have a certain surf competition I need to win.
Josh, you mind laying down the rules? Hell to the yeah! All right, let's keep this a clean surf.
Whoever wins gets the girl.
All right, I'll start you guys off.
Luckily, I-I brought my own starter pistol.
What's the difference between a starter pistol and a regular pistol? Well, it just depends on where you point it.
See, normal pistol.
Starter pistol.
Normal pistol.
- Hey! Starter pistol.
Ready, set, surf! Aah! Shit.
Oh, look, they caught a wave! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Look, they're cheering for me.
No, they're cheering for me.
Wait, what's that behind them? It's a shark! Whoa, whoa! Scott! What's that, Cudi? I can't hear you! Look behind me? Shark! And it's about to kill The Beetle.
Ahh.
Which is good, because then I'll win and Ahoop will be mine.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Ah, who am I kidding? I can't let that handsome British idiot become shark shit! Oh! No! All: Oh! - Oh.
Ha ha.
- Oh, oh.
I think I'm going to win now.
Ha ha ha! Aah! Aah! Blimey, here I go to the finish line.
Scott, no! Damn it! Oh.
Aah! Beetle, you won the race fair and square.
Ahoop is yours.
Scott, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
The race doesn't matter.
What matters is who I love.
All: Aw.
And that person is The Beetle.
What? Oh, dang it.
Bob's your uncle.
He's just more interesting.
He says crisps instead of chips and poop instead of pee! Yeah.
Well, Cudi, this isn't exactly the Christmas that I was expecting.
- Ho ho! Yeah, well, at least it's starting to snow.
Yeah, right.
Uh-- Wait, what? I say, the ocean's receding, isn't it? Wow.
Scott, you went so long without burning Styrofoam, the climate is reverting back to its original state.
Oh, hey, guys, the beach is headed that way! Let's go! Oh, hey.
Beetle left his guitar.
It's a Christmas beach party Yeah, yeah Merry Christmas, Cudi.
Merry Christmas, Scott.
You know, I've, you know, been sitting right here, you know.
If you guys want to sing with me, then-- - No, thank you.
- Just 'cause you can sing, you expect to get in the middle of this? This is family here, man.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Cudi.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Not you.
Not you.