Inside No. 9 (2014) s05e00 Episode Script

1 You are listening to Symphonic FM.
Please sit back and And stop breathing.
It's just coming up to 14.
15, which is quarter past two in old money, and we've got some lovely, soothing Schubert coming up.
But first, with this week's gardening tips, here's Oh, bugger off! We're not all one foot in the grave.
Hello? Hello, can you hear me? Sorry, I can't Can you put the phone to your mouth? I can't quite hear.
Bloody hell! Sorry about that.
I was just coddling an egg.
Hello? Elsie! Hello, dear.
How are you? No, no, sorry, my name's Arthur Flitwick.
You don't know me, but I found this phone, that I'm speaking to you on now, in the churchyard at St Catherine's.
I've no idea who it belongs to, but yours was the last number dialled.
Oh, well, it belongs to Elsie Mitchell.
We sometimes partner each other at the Con Club Sunday social, you know, with us both having lost our husbands.
But I've not heard from her in a while.
Well, is it possible you could let her know that I've got her phone and I can arrange to get it back to her? Absolutely.
I'll let her know right away.
She'll be ever so grateful, I'm sure.
Jolly good.
Well, she can reach me on treble four, four, two, four, four.
That's easy to remember! It is, yes.
Arthur Flitwick.
Well, nice talking to you and I hope to hear from Elsie in due course.
Thank you, dear.
Bye then.
Yes, goodbye.
Hello? Elsie, it's Moira O'Keefe! Listen, I know you lost your mobile phone, but I've just heard from a nice man who found it for you.
No, no, Moira.
His name's Arthur Flitwick and you can reach him on four, four, four Moira, this is Arthur.
You found her, did you? No, I've got Elsie's mobile and that's the number you're calling me on now.
Oh, good heavens.
What a fool I am! Would you happen to have her landline at all? No, I only have the one starting zero, seven.
That'll be the mobile, will it? I'm afraid so, yes.
Well, there we go, mystery solved.
Except I want to be able to get this phone back to her.
Will I leave her a voicemail? No, because then it'll come through to me.
Do you know if she has .
.
other friends in the area? No, but you could try the vicar at St Catherine's.
I believe they werequite close.
Right, would you happen to have his name? Reverend Neil.
Now, I'd better go.
My husband's just come in.
Oh, I thought you said your husband was That I was able to perform the service myself.
She's buried at St Catherine's, then? She is.
And you'd be most welcome yourself, Mr Flitwick.
It would be a pleasure to see you any time.
In the cemetery? No, no, in the church.
We're always on the lookout fornew blood.
I mustn't take up any more of your time.
If you could just let me have Elsie's telephone, I'll be on my way.
Yes, the thing is, reverend, after I spoke to you, I was scrolling through some of Elsie's text messages.
Purely in an investigatory capacity, of course.
And I came across a message from her daughter.
Evangeline? Yes.
She said she'd like to come and collect the phone herself, if it's all the same to you? Of course.
Dear Evangeline, she was always such a rock for her mother.
Do send her my fondest wishes.
And thesetext messages you found Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Hello? Mr Flitwick, it's Moira O'Keefe again.
I hope I'm not interrupting your evening? Not at all.
No.
I'm just here with Reverend Neil, actually.
He was telling me how Elsie would clean at the church and help with the brownies.
Ah, yes, that toilet in the vestry has a busted flush.
I've told the reverend to get a man in.
Yes.
The thing is, Moira, I have some rather upsetting I am very sorry, as you can hear, we are having a few problems with the sound for this live edition of Inside No.
Nine.
We hope to rectify that for you in just a few moments.
So stay with us here on BBC Two.
Well, I am really sorry, but we have a few gremlins in the studio and we won't be able to continue with tonight's live episode which will now be shown at a later date.
The good news is, we do have a repeat from series one of Inside No.
9, so please sit back and enjoy A Quiet Night In.
Well, that you can see, we are continuing to have difficulties with Inside No.
9 tonight, we are working on it.
As soon as I get any information about what is going on, I will of course let you know.
As I was saying, as soon as we have identified the issue We will get something to air for you.
Hello? Is someone there? ♪Always look on the bright side of life♪ Oh, Bobby! Jesus, stop! Don't do a thing.
Don't do a thing.
All right.
- Did you find him? - Yeah.
Basically, he said if they can fix the sound, there is a possibility we can go on at 11 o'clock tonight.
- Start again? - Yeah.
Pathetic.
But that would mean bumping the Ring.
- He's not sure if they are gonna be in place.
- Fuck.
He does not say they are gonna fix it, so What a fucking Why didn't just cut to the repeat of the rehearsal one? If there was a problem, they said they would use the rehearsal one we filmed this afternoon.
But no one No one knows anyway, does he? Who fucking cares? It's not even Halloween.
Why do a Halloween special? By the way, can it actually be on Halloween night? Maybe it can now, instead of fucking The Apprentice.
Where are they all now? They have all gone upstairs for a meeting.
I knew this would happen.
Makes me look stupid.
What are they saying on Twitter? I can't, can I? God, there is no signal.
There is.
There is Wi-Fi.
There isn't.
There is a cord next door.
No one told me.
Stephany showed me.
- Stephany showed you.
- Yeah.
Can't believe Stephany Cole can get online and you can't.
I know.
She is a 77-year-old woman.
Adam said tha they are gonna repeat A Quiet Night In.
- What now? - Yes, on now.
- Do we get repeat fee? - Don't know actually.
Good point.
Good.
Something good has come out of it.
Do you think if we do it again like next year, we should try and get someone else for Moira? Instead of Stephanie Cole.
You know, like I said right from the start.
She cannot do it.
The accent is - It's not.
- It is.
It is the ending.
A, she does not understand it.
B, she is making it obvious You can't blame her for that.
It's totally impenetrable.
- It's not.
- It is.
It's not - Defy any normal person - It is a good ending.
Right.
I'm on Twitter.
Locking hundreds of messages.
Saying what? What's going on on Inside No.
9, is this part of the twist? Oh, do fuck off.
I bet everyone thinks we do it deliberately on the net.
Hello and welcome to Most Haunted.
This week I have landed us right in the middle of a great British institution.
This is certainly a different location, Coronation Street, But the amazing thing is that there are so many reported sightings of ghosts on this site, not only on the street here but also actually in the studios.
There is one ethereal that comes to me almost immediately, and it is a male figure.
He is an older male, he's not It's hard to age him.
I think maybe, maybe in his 50s.
He either died here of a heart attack, or he died here of an accident, because it seems like he worked here.
How long ago we talking that this man was around? It's not that long ago, - Maybe, the figure I'm getting is only like ten years or so ago.
- Right.
- And worked here.
He worked here, you said? - Yeah.
It feels like he worked here.
- As a member of crew? - Yes, as a member of crew.
Hello? No, this is Stefanie Cole.
No, I'm one of the cast members from Inside No Nine.
No, I hadn't heard of it either, but apparently it's a BBC 2 sort of comedy thing.
Are you looking for someone in particular? Because everybody seems to have buggered off.
Sorry, sorry, what did you say your name was? Alan.
Alan.
Do you work here? Victorian clothes.
Producers were forced to hire an innate Roman Catholic priest to perform an exorcism in Granada Studios to ask the ghost to leave in peace God.
There were also reports of a curse in Manchester after a run of bad luck, which included a fire destroying costumes from flexural drama the The Jewel in the Crown.
I remember that.
Entertainer Bobby Davro nearly breaking his neck - in a freak prop malfunction.
- Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! Jesus Bobby! Don't do a thing! And the untimely death of prop man Alan Starr, who hanged himself from the lighting gallery on Halloween night ten years ago.
So that's where we are now.
Brilliant.
Do you see this message from Mark? On the Whatsapp group.
On the League Whatsapp group? He says put BBC Two on now.
So are we on it? - Oh, yeah.
- They must have cut to the rehearsal one.
OK.
That can't be it, because that is that camera there.
Do BBC Two.
- No, this is BBC Two.
- No, BBC One.
- No look.
BBC One.
- Yeah.
BBC Two.
That And BBC Four.
And do BBC Three? What do you mean? It doesn't exist, it isn't a channel.
- When did that happen? - Come on, you knew that.
No, I'm still No, I don't know.
I have no interest in television like that.
- That's weird.
- This is really wicked.
Put a message on Twitter, - All right.
- All right.
Are me and Steve Pamberton on BBC Two now? - You want me to tweet that? - Yeah.
A lot of people were just watching this.
All right, a new surveillance.
All right, now that's Stephanie, so that's definitely one of the studio captures.
What is she doing? I don't know.
But if you press the AV Mr Flitwick? It's Moira.
Are you about? Only the door was on the latch.
I'm just in the bathroom, Moira.
Oh, then I won't disturb you.
I know better than to come between a man and his prostate.
My Jerry is up and down like a bride's nightie till all hours of the morning.
It's just that I had a very strange message from the Reverend Neil.
Have you seen him at all? I haven't seen him, no.
Only he asked me to meet him here.
He said he had very important information about Elsie.
Yes.
He was going to come round, but he got called away on urgent parish business.
I think somebody had stolen his bike.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
Yes, he is.
Was! He was.
Well, I will leave you in peace.
Is there nothing I can get for you, Arthur? Sure you are looking very pale.
No, I justI haven't eaten, that's all.
- You know what they say, hunger is a great sauce.
- Yes.
Shall I pop an eggie in the microwave for you? - No.
- No, sure, sure.
It's no trouble at all.
I will crack one open and give you a head Start.
He killed Elsie, he pushed her down the steps of the belltower.
Did he indeed? After what happend at Brownie Camp, she changed her will to benefit the church, but he needed the money quickly, so So he murdered her? Yes.
He knew I was onto him, he would've done the same to me, that is why I needed to strike first.
And how did you know all this, Arthur dear? Elsie told me, on her phone.
She told me.
She told me! Briff, can I just have a a bit of a question here, I've got a bit of a question.
I'm sorry, do you mean Steve? Sorry.
I guess yes, of course.
And, no, it's just I'm not very clear about Moira's intentions.
I mean, do we know that she's lying? - Yes.
- No.
What? No? Yeah? No.
Because she is telling the truth at this point.
- Oh, I see.
- Well, we We haven't quite decided, really.
To be honest with you.
Whether she's telling the truth.
It's just it is very confusing - and what to play.
- I know.
Of course.
You see what I mean.
I want to do my best, obviously Yeah.
I think play you know Hi, Stephanie.
Sorry about all of this, has anyone told you what is going on? Alan called.
You mean Adam, the producer.
He said they are coming.
Yeah.
Well, they are on a meeting.
Because right now the equipments gone haywire.
You don't get this in Open All Hours, do you? Alan says they have always been here.
Before us.
Before the studios.
We shouldn't be here.
This is their home.
Did you know that Wednesday, Samhain the 31st of October, the time when the line between our world and the other world is thinned? The old shades and the spirits they are coming for us.
They are with usnow! Do you want me to get you a cup of tea, love? Alan said they infect the cables, and the television equipment, the technology makes them stronger.
Yeah, now, you are thinking of Black Mirror, Stephanie, this is Inside No 9.
It's more dark comedy and twists.
They don't want us here.
Right, well, I will make your cup of tea.
We have to leave.
Just across the road was the church of St John's, and I actually found a plaque in the park which states that on that site were buried over 22,000 bodies in the graveyard, and they most definitely stretched over here onto the site where Granada Studios are now.
I am not a threat.
I am here as a messenger.
All I do is carry a message.
You have to leave this site.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Fucking hell! God, you fuck I could have had a hot cup of tea in my hands.
It's good, isn't it? Horrible.
- Found in costume.
- We should use it.
Have you seen anyone? No, since Stephanie Cole she is being weird.
What do you mean? She is saying spirits are coming for us.
For fuck's sake.
I thought we should've got Pam Ferris.
No, she is being used up with Trunchbull.
Oh, no.
Steve! Steve! Mr.
Starr has been suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, and he believes that the studios are being taken over by what he called ghosts in the machine.
Colleagues said that he had been deeply disturbed by witnessing paranormal phenomena throughout the building and recording electronic voice phenomena with messages from beyond the grave.
This complex of buildings is called Botany Bay.
They were bought by Granada television four years ago to serve as a new studio complex.
For the last six months, they have contained the set, wardrobes, props, costumes, makeup departments for The Jewel in the Crown a lavish multi-million pound Granada drama production that was meant to have been completed in April of this year.
The fire started shortly after seven o'clock, and within five minutes fire brigades were on the scene.
The entire contents are gutted, but the fire is at least under control.
Hello? There has been an accident! Anyone? Hello? There has been an accident.
I think Steve's not breathing.
Stephanie! Oh, fuck, what is going on? Je Hello? Hello? God.
Hello? Can you hear me? Can you put the lights on, please? Anybody? Hello? Adam! Adam! John! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Are you believers in ghosts? Do you have a kind of is there Are you very much kind of open to believing that there is something out there? No.
I like the idea of ghosts, I like the idea of ghosts, but I'm very aware that it's all, they are not real.
Let us be.