Robot Chicken s05e00 Episode Script
Robot Chicken's DP Christmas Special
So, to sum up, we basically co-opted Santa Claus and made him synonymous with Coca-Cola.
I have to say, it's a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters.
[ Laughter .]
Are we sure we don't want to replace him with Britney Spears? [ Laughter .]
Ho-ho-ho! Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
No need to get up.
Uh, who are you? Why, I'm Santa Claus.
I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here.
Please, someone tell me what was so funny.
Make me Laugh.
Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day.
It involved a large multinational corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation.
Ho-ho-ho! Isn't that hilarious? N-now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that.
Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the louisville slugger you asked for when you were 9? How did you know that? I know a lot of things, Larry.
I know that you've been on my "naughty" list since '72.
I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931, and I know I've never seen a dime, and you know what that means Larry?! I know you're a [bleep.]
thief! Aah! [ All screaming .]
I lie awake till every dawn Aah! Aah! Aah! Aaah! Baby, please come home baby, I'm so sad nothing Aaaah! Aaaah! Blea-a-a-rgh! Aah! [ Roars .]
[ Screaming and roaring .]
Oh, you've finally come home yeah, you set me free set me free set me free set me free I'll expect my check in the mail.
[ All gasp .]
You [bleep.]
can spell "North Pole," can't you? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears think again.
Ho-ho-ho! Christmas the birthday of Jesus.
Also the birthday of actor Dean Cameron, who played Chainsaw in the movie "Summer School.
" Now we celebrate both of these equally important men with The "Robot Chicken Christmas Special"! Ho, ho ho, ho, ho-ho-ho ho, ho ho, ho, ho-ho-ho ho, ho ho, ho, ho-ho-ho ho, ho Shhhhhhhh.
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! [ Growls .]
[ Grunting .]
Raaaaaaaaah! Raaaaaaah! [ Grunts .]
Raaaaaaaaaah!! And that's the story of the very first Christmas.
Wait a minute, mama.
How can there still be a Christmas if they killed Santa? Hmm.
You're right.
No Santa, no Christmas, no Christmas presents.
[ Crying .]
Aw.
You really would have liked this one.
Oh! All: Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa-la-la-la-la, la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Sorry.
When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise.
Nails on basement stairs, check.
Iron attached to string, check.
Trucks, ornaments, check.
Paint cans, check.
Safe and sound.
[ Snoring .]
[ Coughing .]
Fire! [ Coughing continues .]
Aaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! [ Sizzling .]
Aaaaaaah! Ooh! [ Crying .]
[ Screaming .]
AAA [ Clang .]
[ Crying .]
Oh, my baby.
We were just driving by, and we saw the flames.
Is that kid gonna be okay? Aaaaaah! How did it go? Did you deliver all the presents? Are the reindeer okay? Ho-ho-ho! How about two seconds to decompress before you voice [bleep.]
my ear holes? Joseph, remember when I said that even though we're married, I never want to have sex with you? Yeah.
Black Tuesday.
Well, I don't understand it myself, but I'm pregnant! Hey, Joe, how goes the plan to bang Mary in her sleep?! Oh, hey, Mary.
I, uh I didn't see you there.
Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg the Batmobile lost its [ Gasps .]
Batman?! [ Patter! Patter! .]
Oh! Keep singing, boys.
We were learning a lot.
Yeah.
I never knew Batman had an odor problem.
[ Sniffs .]
Hmm.
Weird.
I don't smell anything.
Do you, Dougie? [ Muffled screaming .]
I can't hear you.
[ Voice breaking .]
I want my mommy! Yeah? Me too.
I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs! Huh? You want to check these shorts for some eggs? Huh? You see any [bleep.]
eggs in there? We got to go! Run! Get out of here! They're getting away, Batman.
Not on my watch.
[ Beeps .]
The rats are scattering.
Holy "these [bleep.]
aren't going anywhere.
" [ Sobs .]
Aah.
[ Voice breaking .]
Sorry! You can tell your dentist I'm sorry.
And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance, because Batman is above the law.
But please, Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and [bleep.]
up my Christmas program.
No? All right, then.
From the top.
[ Crank! Crank! Crank! .]
[ Bubble! .]
[ Gun cocking .]
[ Bubble! .]
[ Screams .]
[ Gun cocks .]
[ Screams .]
[ Gun cocks .]
[ Screams .]
[ Gun cocks .]
[ Screams .]
[ Bubble! .]
[ Screaming .]
Hey, Kyle.
Have any big plans for the holiday break? Yes.
O-o-o-o-o-o-kay.
Aw, come on, come on! Do it! Look at you! You're not gonna do it.
Chicken! Ha ha, shut up.
I'll do it, I'll do it.
[ Laughs .]
Ho, ho Ho.
[ Wind gusts .]
[ Muffled shout .]
[ Creak! Poink! .]
It looks like, somehow, your heart grew three sizes this day.
It's a Christmas mirac It's terminal.
Dad, is Santa Claus real? Of course Santa Claus is real.
Who do you think brings you your presents? Did he always live in the north pole? Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago.
He even played for the Cubs.
[ Crowd cheering .]
Wow! Tell me more about Santa.
Well, let's see.
Oh! H-he loves "Robot Chicken.
" He's even done voices on the show.
You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.
He sounds funny.
Do you think we would've been friends growing up? Sure.
He was just like you The apple of his parents' eye.
He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play.
[ Hip-hop music plays .]
And he was very funny always a barrel of laughs.
Santa's the coolest! He sure is, Billy.
Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job.
Good night, dad.
Merry Christmas.
[ Suspenseful music plays .]
He grew up right here in Chicago.
He even played for the Cbs.
He loves "Robot Chicken.
" The apple of his parents' eye.
A huge crate of toys.
Barrel of laughs.
[ Ominous music plays .]
[ Door closes .]
[ Whip! .]
[ Ominous music plays .]
The greatest trick that Billy's father ever pulled was convincing his son that Santa exists.
Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night.
Aw, Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane.
What earthquake? Exactly, bitch! Kids, kids, take it easy! Both: Superman! It's not important who's fastest.
Spoken like a true puss.
What did you [bleep.]
say? I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you want to hear, you little [bleep.]
turd?! [ Glass shatters .]
You come at me, you come at me like a [bleep.]
man! I've got to blog about the [bleep.]
that just went down right here.
Old Supes thinks he's the fastest, eh? Ho-ho-ho! So who is the fastest, Santa? Ho-ho-ho! That's not important.
Spoken like a true puss.
[ Glass shatters .]
We doing this, blue balls? You got that right, St.
Dick! Hey, no fair using reindeer.
Oh, okay, no fair using our yellow sun, then, you [bleep.]
alien.
[ Whoosh! .]
[ Clock ticking .]
[ Bells jingle, hooves screech .]
[ Whoosh! .]
It's a tie! What a complete and total waste of everybody's time! Well, even a tie has some entertainment value.
All: [ Booing .]
Ha ha! Sorry we took so long, folks.
Ho-ho-ho! We ran into a few race hazards.
Lex Luthor here tried to D.
Q.
us both permanently.
Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together.
[ Applause .]
I think they're buying it.
Bump it.
Reciprocated! Up, up, and away.
Huh? W-where am I? I-I was at my mother's doing laundry, and Weaponizing Anthrax, Luthor? Not on my watch! What?! Weaponizing Boom! [ Ting! .]
You're my brother you're my slave you're my dog don't I love it? you're my lover take it off you're my brother you're my slave you're my dog don't I love it? you're my lover take it off you're my brother you're my slave you're my dog don't I love it? you're my lover take it off you're my brother you're my slave you're my dog don't I love it?
I have to say, it's a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters.
[ Laughter .]
Are we sure we don't want to replace him with Britney Spears? [ Laughter .]
Ho-ho-ho! Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
No need to get up.
Uh, who are you? Why, I'm Santa Claus.
I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here.
Please, someone tell me what was so funny.
Make me Laugh.
Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day.
It involved a large multinational corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation.
Ho-ho-ho! Isn't that hilarious? N-now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that.
Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the louisville slugger you asked for when you were 9? How did you know that? I know a lot of things, Larry.
I know that you've been on my "naughty" list since '72.
I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931, and I know I've never seen a dime, and you know what that means Larry?! I know you're a [bleep.]
thief! Aah! [ All screaming .]
I lie awake till every dawn Aah! Aah! Aah! Aaah! Baby, please come home baby, I'm so sad nothing Aaaah! Aaaah! Blea-a-a-rgh! Aah! [ Roars .]
[ Screaming and roaring .]
Oh, you've finally come home yeah, you set me free set me free set me free set me free I'll expect my check in the mail.
[ All gasp .]
You [bleep.]
can spell "North Pole," can't you? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears think again.
Ho-ho-ho! Christmas the birthday of Jesus.
Also the birthday of actor Dean Cameron, who played Chainsaw in the movie "Summer School.
" Now we celebrate both of these equally important men with The "Robot Chicken Christmas Special"! Ho, ho ho, ho, ho-ho-ho ho, ho ho, ho, ho-ho-ho ho, ho ho, ho, ho-ho-ho ho, ho Shhhhhhhh.
Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! [ Growls .]
[ Grunting .]
Raaaaaaaaah! Raaaaaaah! [ Grunts .]
Raaaaaaaaaah!! And that's the story of the very first Christmas.
Wait a minute, mama.
How can there still be a Christmas if they killed Santa? Hmm.
You're right.
No Santa, no Christmas, no Christmas presents.
[ Crying .]
Aw.
You really would have liked this one.
Oh! All: Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa-la-la-la-la, la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Sorry.
When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise.
Nails on basement stairs, check.
Iron attached to string, check.
Trucks, ornaments, check.
Paint cans, check.
Safe and sound.
[ Snoring .]
[ Coughing .]
Fire! [ Coughing continues .]
Aaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! [ Sizzling .]
Aaaaaaah! Ooh! [ Crying .]
[ Screaming .]
AAA [ Clang .]
[ Crying .]
Oh, my baby.
We were just driving by, and we saw the flames.
Is that kid gonna be okay? Aaaaaah! How did it go? Did you deliver all the presents? Are the reindeer okay? Ho-ho-ho! How about two seconds to decompress before you voice [bleep.]
my ear holes? Joseph, remember when I said that even though we're married, I never want to have sex with you? Yeah.
Black Tuesday.
Well, I don't understand it myself, but I'm pregnant! Hey, Joe, how goes the plan to bang Mary in her sleep?! Oh, hey, Mary.
I, uh I didn't see you there.
Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg the Batmobile lost its [ Gasps .]
Batman?! [ Patter! Patter! .]
Oh! Keep singing, boys.
We were learning a lot.
Yeah.
I never knew Batman had an odor problem.
[ Sniffs .]
Hmm.
Weird.
I don't smell anything.
Do you, Dougie? [ Muffled screaming .]
I can't hear you.
[ Voice breaking .]
I want my mommy! Yeah? Me too.
I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs! Huh? You want to check these shorts for some eggs? Huh? You see any [bleep.]
eggs in there? We got to go! Run! Get out of here! They're getting away, Batman.
Not on my watch.
[ Beeps .]
The rats are scattering.
Holy "these [bleep.]
aren't going anywhere.
" [ Sobs .]
Aah.
[ Voice breaking .]
Sorry! You can tell your dentist I'm sorry.
And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance, because Batman is above the law.
But please, Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and [bleep.]
up my Christmas program.
No? All right, then.
From the top.
[ Crank! Crank! Crank! .]
[ Bubble! .]
[ Gun cocking .]
[ Bubble! .]
[ Screams .]
[ Gun cocks .]
[ Screams .]
[ Gun cocks .]
[ Screams .]
[ Gun cocks .]
[ Screams .]
[ Bubble! .]
[ Screaming .]
Hey, Kyle.
Have any big plans for the holiday break? Yes.
O-o-o-o-o-o-kay.
Aw, come on, come on! Do it! Look at you! You're not gonna do it.
Chicken! Ha ha, shut up.
I'll do it, I'll do it.
[ Laughs .]
Ho, ho Ho.
[ Wind gusts .]
[ Muffled shout .]
[ Creak! Poink! .]
It looks like, somehow, your heart grew three sizes this day.
It's a Christmas mirac It's terminal.
Dad, is Santa Claus real? Of course Santa Claus is real.
Who do you think brings you your presents? Did he always live in the north pole? Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago.
He even played for the Cubs.
[ Crowd cheering .]
Wow! Tell me more about Santa.
Well, let's see.
Oh! H-he loves "Robot Chicken.
" He's even done voices on the show.
You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.
He sounds funny.
Do you think we would've been friends growing up? Sure.
He was just like you The apple of his parents' eye.
He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play.
[ Hip-hop music plays .]
And he was very funny always a barrel of laughs.
Santa's the coolest! He sure is, Billy.
Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job.
Good night, dad.
Merry Christmas.
[ Suspenseful music plays .]
He grew up right here in Chicago.
He even played for the Cbs.
He loves "Robot Chicken.
" The apple of his parents' eye.
A huge crate of toys.
Barrel of laughs.
[ Ominous music plays .]
[ Door closes .]
[ Whip! .]
[ Ominous music plays .]
The greatest trick that Billy's father ever pulled was convincing his son that Santa exists.
Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night.
Aw, Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane.
What earthquake? Exactly, bitch! Kids, kids, take it easy! Both: Superman! It's not important who's fastest.
Spoken like a true puss.
What did you [bleep.]
say? I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you want to hear, you little [bleep.]
turd?! [ Glass shatters .]
You come at me, you come at me like a [bleep.]
man! I've got to blog about the [bleep.]
that just went down right here.
Old Supes thinks he's the fastest, eh? Ho-ho-ho! So who is the fastest, Santa? Ho-ho-ho! That's not important.
Spoken like a true puss.
[ Glass shatters .]
We doing this, blue balls? You got that right, St.
Dick! Hey, no fair using reindeer.
Oh, okay, no fair using our yellow sun, then, you [bleep.]
alien.
[ Whoosh! .]
[ Clock ticking .]
[ Bells jingle, hooves screech .]
[ Whoosh! .]
It's a tie! What a complete and total waste of everybody's time! Well, even a tie has some entertainment value.
All: [ Booing .]
Ha ha! Sorry we took so long, folks.
Ho-ho-ho! We ran into a few race hazards.
Lex Luthor here tried to D.
Q.
us both permanently.
Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together.
[ Applause .]
I think they're buying it.
Bump it.
Reciprocated! Up, up, and away.
Huh? W-where am I? I-I was at my mother's doing laundry, and Weaponizing Anthrax, Luthor? Not on my watch! What?! Weaponizing Boom! [ Ting! .]
You're my brother you're my slave you're my dog don't I love it? you're my lover take it off you're my brother you're my slave you're my dog don't I love it? you're my lover take it off you're my brother you're my slave you're my dog don't I love it? you're my lover take it off you're my brother you're my slave you're my dog don't I love it?