Being Human (UK) s05e01 Episode Script
The Trinity
This programme contains some strong language and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.
- Yesterday was your first blood for how long? - 55 years.
- How did the blood taste? I was involved tangentially.
You weren't drinking my blood "tangentially.
" How many times will you bring that up? Hail! I love you.
No! I'm stuck like this? For ever? That's it.
We are finding my body and I am totally passing over.
And if we need to, we can make people disappear in a puff of smoke.
Untie me, you hound! Untie me, bitch! Lady Catherine.
Lord Hal.
Got my message then? Message? I say message, I just allowed you to discover my whereabouts.
I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the chance to kill me.
I'm surprised there wasn't a queue.
Ho-ho-ho! But the Werewolf army would never let their leader embark on a solo assassination.
Let me guess, you stuffed a pillow beneath your blanket and slipped away under the cover of darkness? Took me back to my convent days.
Ah.
You could have at least warned your guards I was coming.
Save me from killing one of them.
It's precisely that dreary compassion for staff that would have lost you this war anyway.
What do you mean, WOULD have lost me this war? We need to parley.
This civil war between our clans has been raging for seven years.
In fact, I believe it is what triggered the current war on the human world.
Obviously there's nothing we enjoy more .
.
than a good rough and tumble.
But we have reason to believe we're being manipulated.
Someone else - something else - is fanning the flames of this conflict.
So the same thought has occurred to you too? But who? Who could do that? Lady Catherine, we are not at war with each other, we are at war with the Devil.
"Death Proof" by Kate Nash You can spend your life getting down on one thing You can waste all your time on one idea You can get your little brain into one big mess But what you gonna do now, baby when it all caves in? Burn, burn Burn my heart, baby Take a piece cos I don't need all of it Don't have time for your cruel ways And I'm the one without numbered days cos I don't have time to die.
This isn't about rehabilitation anymore.
It's vindictive.
Stay in the chair until you're over the blood lust.
- Come on, it'll make you big and strong.
- I don't mean the chair.
I implore you, put a screen in front of me.
Give me a blindfold.
No-one should have to look at this.
We could put a cover over your head.
Like how you tell a budgie it's night time.
Don't look at me! I can't eat or drink, so none of this is mine.
Besides, I spent my entire life cleaning up after my smelly brothers.
So until the moment I pass over I shall be mostly reading magazines or watching the Welsh Rugby Team get changed.
When you go, let me know if you'd like me to accompany you.
There's some weird people out there.
Says the werewolf spoon-feeding mashed banana to the vampire.
Look, 10 minutes is all I ask.
Supervised, of course.
Just so I can do a quick run round with the Hoover and sort out the recycling! Please! This is torture! If we wanted to torture you, we'd show you a picture of the bathroom.
The bathroom too? You people are animals! What do you reckon? Is he safe? Well, a few days ago he stopped shouting abuse and started correcting my grammar again, so I guess that's got to be a good sign.
How long does it take for a vampire to get over the blood lust? A week? A month? A year? Who do we ask? I guess we ask him.
- We're thinking of letting you out.
- Thank you.
Fill a bowl with boiling water and washing up liquid.
This is a two-sets-of-Marigolds problem.
Out-out.
But it's your call.
- If you're still dangerous, say so now.
- What? I mean it, Hal.
We can wait some more.
Don't let me do this if you're still a risk.
There must be a structure.
First off, you steer clear of vampires.
They're a bad influence.
That goes for all of us.
No more supernatural nonsense.
Agreed.
- And if you drink blood again then - You kill me.
I was thinking more along the lines of a fine.
Drinking blood means I have become the man I fear.
Drinking blood is the overture to a greater catastrophe.
You need to swear on something.
On the memory of Eve.
On the memory of Eve.
Right then! OK, dick-splash, for the last time, I'm not planning anything.
Don't get me wrong, I could pull your kidneys out through your nostrils if I wanted.
But, lucky for you, I'm getting way too old for this shit.
Hetty, you're the last of the Old Ones, of course you're planning something.
Malevolence and greed are hard-wired into your DNA.
Yeah? And your mum's so fat, her blood type's Ragu.
Besides, who says I'm the last one? What? Can I smoke in here? Hetty.
There's another Old One.
In fact it's cos of him our whole world domination thing went tits up.
Who? Hal.
A human sympathiser.
He was always kind of skittish.
What if we opened a window? Seriously, I'm gasping here.
How about this? You tell me all you can about this Hal and I'll arrange for an Air Force flight to return you to Bolivia tomorrow.
Sounds like a plan.
But make sure they've got some crayons in case I want to draw some ponies and shit.
Ah! Smell that alpine freshness.
- What's this? - This, my friends, is peace in our time.
It's OK, I've seen it all before, it's a cleaning rota.
I've split the domestic duties into three sub-groups.
Tom, Alex and I.
Why's there one for me? I'll be passing over soon.
Yes, but until then you're part of this household.
Now But then you're just going to have to draw up a whole new rota.
I know.
Now How are you going to complete your business and pass over? Find my body somehow and get it to my family, I guess.
So they can all grieve and stuff.
Didn't them blokes take it? Yeah, so we just find out who they are and then go to the papers or something.
- Well, that's obviously out of the question.
- Why? We cannot risk werewolves and vampires and ghosts being revealed to the world.
The consequences could be catastrophic.
- Column one - No, sorry, you of all people don't get to dictate what we tell my dad and brothers.
What does that mean? Me of all people? I'm not letting a good man die of grief just to protect the fucking Twilight franchise.
We'll discuss this later.
You can discuss it later.
With yourself.
That doesn't even make sense.
- Cleaning rota.
- Thank you, Tom.
As you can see, Alex has the lion's share of the domestic tasks.
Tom and I will take on extra shifts at the cafe to cover the rent.
Why are you looking at each other like that? The cafe.
Tony didn't like us taking all them shifts off while you was strapped in the chair so he sort of sacked us.
On the bright side, you get to make a new rota.
Not one name! How am I supposed to get a five-a-side team together if no-one signs up, you lazy buggers? And who forgot to tell me you were all going to the pub last night? I bet someone felt daft when they realised.
Probably just as well.
I was updating my blog.
Those games don't review themselves! Crumb! Oh.
Aargh It's Cram.
What is? My name.
Like the runner.
Steve Cram.
He was voted Sports Personality Of The Year in Your position's up for review.
I'm shaking up the whole floor.
Separating the wheat from the boys.
Bringing new blood in, like, well, I don't know, Gavin.
What, your nephew Gavin? Is he my nephew? Well, he's a smart lad.
In my Christmas quiz he said alopecia was a mountain! So he doesn't know much about plants.
Big deal.
There'll be a panel.
Which I might be on.
You need to reapply.
For the job I already have? See, told you.
Problem solved.
People on board a ship that's capsizing don't use that many exclamation marks.
Oh, my God, do you really think we could work in a place like this? Knowing our luck.
No not that one, you stupid bitch! It's the cushion with the trim around the edges! Don't you understand anything, you ignorant shit? Captain Hatch? Perhaps we could use our inside voice and say "Not today, thank you," to the expletives.
Oh, Patsy you're absolutely right, I do apologise.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
Can I help? Yeah, we're here for the interviews.
Hot.
Sorry? In here.
It's It's very hot in here.
Could Could someone open a window? I've always wanted to work in a hotel, ever since me and my dad snuck into the Bristol Hilton when I was 14.
We were hunting a vampire called Radley.
Radley? I know Radley.
Big ginger fellow.
- Yeah.
- How was he? - Yeah, good.
Until we killed him obviously.
I'm going to go check out the competition.
And draw some cocks on the applications.
- Tom McNair? - Yep.
Kill them.
Metaphorically.
When you talk to other vampires, as even you must from time to time.
How do you account for your continued anonymity? Luck, skill or humanity's stupidity? I know you.
In the basement of that nightclub, a month or so ago.
You took my friend's body.
Who are you? My name is Dominic Rook.
My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone and it has been the job of people like me for hundreds of years.
By telling me all this aren't you rather missing the point of a clandestine organisation? I have a proposition for you.
You are a rare creature, Hal.
A human sympathiser with an eminent position in vampire society.
It gives us an opportunity.
If you were to take charge of the vampires, we could strike an accord between our two worlds.
Me? No.
I can't do that.
In exchange for a cessation of chaos and violence, we will provide you with per diems, premises and the means to acquire blood consensually.
I I don't need blood any more.
I've been dry for over 60 years.
You're sweating, Hal.
Your hands are shaking.
What happened to my friend's body? Offhand, I don't recall.
Some are returned to their families with an appropriate cover story.
Others, we let the families create their own narratives.
- But if you were to help me I'm sure I could find - No.
No, that's Look, I can't return to that world.
I've seen vampires try to live a human life before.
It always ends in tears.
Incidentally, we've been monitoring this place.
suicide here in as many years.
As far as we can tell it's not werewolf or vampire related.
But if you get the job, keep an eye out.
Perhaps it's the decor.
You can find me here.
The Old Ones are gone, Hal.
The remaining vampires are rudderless and volatile.
We can mould them into any shape we wish.
Trust me .
.
you don't want to see a world where I'm leading the vampires.
So here's my question for you.
How do you shave? Don't do that.
All right, sorry, Nana.
Sorry again about the crying.
Yeah, no worries.
So, ready for me to pump you? Um yes? Have you any experience in the hotel trade? Well, I've stayed in the Savoy.
Brilliant.
You're in.
Can't wait to have you.
Here.
I mean have you in the hotel.
Working in the hotel.
Yeah, we're both really excited.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That was your interview? I had a general knowledge round! Well, someone's clearly taken a shine to our Hal.
Is anyone else fast-forwarding to her ghost living in the house with us? What? Oh, come on, that's funny.
OK, can we all just remind ourselves - I didn't kill you.
We've indulged this myth long enough.
Right, well, A - you of all people do not get to say - when my death is "old news" and B - Me of all people.
You're doing it again! I mean, you weren't exactly an innocent bystander to it all, were you? When you asked me out on that date, you knew exactly what kind of world you were bringing me into.
You shouldn't be wearing suits and talking to girls and being charming.
You should have a fucking sign round your neck and a bell! You should be living in a cave! What the hell happened there then? "Ca Plane Pour Moi" by Plastic Bertrand Yam, bam, mon chat Splash git sur mon lit a bouffe tout mon whisky For Christ's sake! .
.
peu dormi, vide, brime J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere Ou j'ai eu un flash Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh En quatre couleurs Allez hop, un matin une louloute est venue chez moi Poupee de cellophane, cheveux chinois HE HISSES Oh, God no I'm sorry.
- Wait! I can explain! - Aaargh! Comme un Indien dans son igloo Ca plane pour moi Ca plane pour moi.
No! Gahh! Help me.
Please.
Help me.
If this is a trick, I shall plunge this into your calcified heart.
And you wonder why you're single.
Not interrupting, are we? Yes, actually.
I was reading some ancient texts.
Lady Catherine Glass, leader of the werewolves.
Emil Parsons, dead wizard.
Necromancer.
I was master of the black arts.
Sorcerer supreme.
Gatekeeper to the forbidden world.
How did you die? I had to be silenced.
I knew too much.
He fell out of a tree trying to see into his sister-in-law's bathroom.
Emil, we need your help.
We believe this war between the werewolves and the vampires is being exacerbated by the Devil.
He feeds on the energy created by our conflict.
That doesn't make any sense.
Potassium.
What would happen if you mixed this with Olsiis? It would blow your pretty head off.
Two chemicals, benign apart, but when thrust together, they produce an explosion of energy.
The conflict between the werewolves and the vampires generates such an energy, upon which the Devil feasts and grows fat.
If this power grows unchecked it will bring about the apocalypse.
We have called a cease-fire.
But it is my belief we need some kind of spell or ritual to symbolize our new unity and defeat the Devil once and for all.
The world teeters on the brink of calamity.
We face an enemy of unimaginable cunning and power.
So let's keep cock-ups to an absolute minimum.
TYRES SCREECH HE HISSES - Was that you? - No.
- Yes.
- What are you doing down here? Measuring up.
I'm thinking of installing a .
.
sauna.
Down here.
Sorry for yesterday.
Blaming you for my death when really it was your friend and all you did was drink my blood.
Why do women do that? Don't give it another thought.
- What you lot doing down here? - Hal's building a sauna.
A sauna? Here? That's ridiculous.
Excuse me, weren't you planning to put a swimming pool in the garden? I said that cos we'd only just met and you know as well as I do I was really making a bomb.
Fine.
I'm making a bomb.
Thank you.
It's the lying that hurts.
Let's have a look then.
The men that took your body.
One of them approached me yesterday.
He wants me to work for them.
What? I said no, of course, but not until I'd found out their location.
Well, this is just numbers.
It's a map reference.
Longitude and latitude.
I can find this.
You're sure this is where Alex's body is? Who knows.
But it's somewhere to start.
You should check it out.
What, aren't you coming? I can't.
God, heaps to do here.
Plus they're probably still angry at me for turning them down.
- I'll go with you.
- Oh, cheers, fella.
I mean, you can't go on your own, you're a lady.
Put that down.
My name is Hal.
It's Ian, isn't it? I'm sorry, I looked through your wallet Ian? Cram.
Like the runner.
What runner? Steve Cram.
He was awarded an MBE in 1986.
I did not know that.
Where am I? This is my home.
I brought you here last night.
Oh, God, have you bummed me? I haven't bummed you.
You're going to bum me now.
Ian, I have no intention of bumming you.
I brought you here because you were involved in an accident.
I feel weird.
Have you drugged me? I'm allergic to aspirin.
If you've given me an aspirin then it's actually murder.
I haven't drugged you.
Your body is going through an extraordinary transformation.
One I went through many years ago.
You feel nauseous because your blood pressure has dropped.
Your heart rate is about one beat per minute now.
But you won't die because your healing process has got spectacularly fast.
- I'm thirsty.
- Yes, but you don't want water.
All you've been able to think about since you awoke is one word but you don't know why.
If I told you there was some underneath this floor, you'd dig through the concrete with your fingers.
Accept it and I can help you.
But you have to say it.
I don't know what you mean.
In your wallet there's a photo of a family.
Are they yours? My sister and my niece.
And you love them? I carry their photo.
When you think about them now, what comes into your head? I want to drink them dry.
It's all right.
It's all right.
That will fade in time.
You'll remember how to love someone in time.
What have you done to me? You're a vampire.
I made you into a vampire and I'm so sorry.
A vampire? There's no handle.
You probably need a beepy thing, like on a car.
- I can open it from the other side.
- No, no, no, no.
You don't know what's in there.
It's bound to be alarmed, probably on a circuit.
We'll have to go home and get my dad's toolbox Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get back! Get back, get back! Aw, look at your little face.
You think you're dead funny, don't you? If you was a vampire, I'd have staked you.
It's a trick.
It's not a trick.
Vampires were born out of a pact with the Devil.
He gets our souls and, to remind us, he takes our reflections.
We call it Old Nick's Wink.
I don't believe in the Devil.
I'm not sure I did until I met him.
What are you doing? I need to find somewhere to put you for the next few weeks.
The next few weeks? But I never miss work.
They'll be worried sick.
Most days I'm there to unlock the doors for the cleaners.
You won't be able to manage the hunger.
- I'll take some blood in a Thermos.
- Listen to me.
You're a different species now.
This isn't just a craving, it's cellular.
Why did you do this to me? I'll be back soon.
Why don't I look and you have a sit down? OK, Tom, we're going to have this conversation.
Can you please stop treating me like I'm made of glass or cobwebs or something? All right? I'm dead.
My health and wellbeing has pretty much bottomed out.
So what am I supposed to do? I don't know, just treat me like an equal.
- Treat me like a bloke.
- But you're a lady.
And me dad taught me how to treat ladies.
Always be polite and courteous, if a lady came in the room, you stood up and took off any hats and if it was a vampire, you staked them.
And I'm sure that growing up in the paramilitary wing of the Amish had many plusses but I find it patronising.
Here we go.
I've found me.
It says I've gone.
"Carcass " - nice.
".
.
returned to family.
" They've already got me.
The Home Secretary will see you now.
There's no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt.
Your department is to be dissolved, - its responsibilities handed to Special Branch.
- What? But you can't.
Our work is essential.
Your work is clandestine, unregulated and eye-wateringly expensive.
Three months should be enough to decommission the archive and prepare for succession.
But what about our tenants? They're too dangerous to simply release.
Well, what does one usually do with diseased and dangerous livestock? Giles? Could you ask them to bring my car around? You and your ilk may have been around since Cromwell but nothing is sacred these days.
Defence, health, education, everyone's felt the swish of the knife.
See, it's part of a wider initiative called PVU - Placing Value Uppermost.
Alistair, please.
Oh, don't worry, we'll find you something.
In fact, I'll talk to Tim in Agriculture This isn't about my career! These are monsters! You can't just let them run wild, without supervision, without restraint! They're time-bombs! Dominic, please.
Control yourself.
I'm begging you.
Don't do this.
It's done.
Then God help us all.
I drowned, according to this.
Walking along the canal bank.
I slipped and fell.
No sign of struggle or trauma.
Just a random, stupid accident.
I was buried.
Christ, three weeks ago! "In a private service attended by family and friends.
"Alex's father, Brendan said, 'Alex was beautiful in every sense.
" 'We will never forget " 'her strength, kindness and determination.
" 'She lit up our lives and we will miss her so much.
' " They've started getting better without me.
I thought that I would take my body back to them and all this would end.
But it's already happened and they're talking about me in the past tense and I'm still here.
You've got us.
I don't want you! I want to taste food again and someone's kiss, you know? I want to have sex and a hangover.
I want to take off these fucking boots! At least you've had a life.
This is all I've ever known.
But you can still love someone.
You can eat cake.
And after that? A family? Most parents worry about messing their kids up.
I'm worried about eating mine.
Oh, this world sucks.
Even with super powers.
I'm sorry if the way I speak to you is annoying.
It's just what my dad would expect me to do.
And that keeps him alive in my mind.
Makes me feel safe.
You're an excellent person, Thomas.
I just need to remember that.
No opening doors though, eh? Well I mean, if I'm carrying something then THUD! - Who are you? - Don't hurt me! What's he doing down here? The other one put me here.
- Tom, he can see me.
- He's a vampire.
Oh, not you as well.
That's what the other one Hal? - That's what he said.
- Hal put you down here? He attacked me last night.
I woke up here.
He said he'd turned me into a vampire and then tied me to the radiator.
Please, just let me go.
I won't tell anyone.
He says I have to stay here for weeks.
We made a deal.
He swore on Eve's bib.
He said it was over.
What do we do? Like I said.
We made a deal.
You're not like him are you? I can't put my finger on it.
What are you? A werewolf.
Fancy.
Tom, wait.
What do we do with him? Please let me go.
I don't understand what you want from me.
We don't want anything from you.
It's just that, the thing you are now, you might hurt someone.
I've never hurt anyone in my life! I have pets, I keep newts.
Oh, God, my newts! Hal says it twists your mind.
Hal says, Hal says! Are you scared of him? No, of course not.
Well, I am.
How long's he normally keep people down here? I don't know.
This is new.
What? But I'm sure he won't hurt you.
How sure? Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! But he doesn't just hurt people.
You said he doesn't normally just lock them in cellars! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! It's just if, if something was to happen You have no right to put me in this danger! I have friends and a family and a job! You can't just steal that from me.
It's OK, I'm here! Gav? What's going on, mate? Crumb! Where the hell have you been? It's Cram, actually, like the The state of you! You can't turn up looking like that.
Christ, is that blood? Oh, yeah, I got hit by a car.
Well, thank God we've got Gavin is all I can say.
He's a whirlwind, that boy.
Formula One.
Oh, no, no.
I'm going to have to let you go.
Turning up late is one thing but covered in blood? Well, that's a different kettle of ball games.
OK.
But I warn you, if I go, everyone goes.
We're not just work mates, we're family.
Isn't that right, guys? Tom.
Oh, God.
GROANING First, blood of the vampire.
Next, blood of the wolf.
MOANING Remind me, what will this do? I shall summon the Devil by telling him that the vampire and werewolf armies are battling here.
He'll come to warm his hands on the fire of your conflict.
You're going to bring the Devil here? Not frightened are you, Lord Hal? Hardly.
I've met your mother.
When are you due one of your periods of being nice? Not for ages, thankfully.
They're dreadfully dull.
You haven't tried it with me.
Ahem.
Sorry.
You were saying? - Tell me why I shouldn't kill you.
- It's not what do you think.
So tell us.
He saw me manifest.
He ran away and was hit by a car.
He was dying.
I recruited him to save his life.
But you didn't inhale - I swore on Eve's - Don't say her name! - You don't get to say her name again.
- Do I look like I've fed recently? Why did you turn him into a vampire, why not just Why not just let him slip away? Because I couldn't stand by and watch another death.
I couldn't let what happened to you happen again.
You should have told us.
Look we can discuss this later, first we have to decide what to do with him.
It might seem strange and inhumane - but the best thing is to keep him here.
- Agreed.
Oh.
- What? - Nothing.
Please say you haven't let him go.
I think short hair really suits you.
But he's a predator! He's only been a vampire for about seventeen hours! How was I supposed to know? I should have left a clue, like, I don't know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to a fucking radiator! I hate to say it but Hal's right.
Thingy won't be able to control himself.
You should have said something! I'm new to all this and I'm still very traumatised and all that jazz.
I was upset! We have to find him.
After that you do whatever you think is best.
I won't stop you.
But we must find him first.
The Devil has no form of his own so will possess the nearest human vessel.
This is a local madman.
He shall be the conduit for the Devil.
But when he realises it's a trap, won't his spirit just flee again? We perform the blood ritual, which will trap him in the maniac's body.
Ah! And then we kill him! Yes, I remember that bit.
Wonderful.
Can I now get back to summoning the Antichrist, please? THUNDER CRASHES Look.
He's here.
Look.
He's here.
SLURPING Tell you what, being a vampire don't half give you an appetite.
It won't last.
The hunger will fade.
You'll come out of this and when you remember what you did, it will devastate you.
Maybe I'll stay in here for ever.
I like it here.
You should see the stuff that's going on.
I'm going to leave such a boot-print on the world.
Then I'll have to kill you.
And you'll be back to square one.
All the nasty stuff has to go somewhere, Hal.
MUFFLED SCREAMS Argh! Aaargh! Aaargh! We have to do it now! MENACING GROWL Emil, quickly! Before he flees the maniac's body! When I was a kid, there was this boy.
He hit me.
He hit everyone but I got it the worst.
God knows why, I was hardly a threat.
I wasn't popular or funny.
In PE, when they were picking teams, even Barney Thomas got picked before me and he wore a built-up shoe.
But that was the problem.
I disgusted him.
Because he was just a hair's breadth from being me.
I was everything he was frightened of.
If there's one thing I know about, it's bullies.
You took everything you hated and put it in one place.
You need someone like me to be the bad man so you don't have to.
So let's end this once and for all.
What? The Trinity of the Bloods shall imprison you in that body! IT LAUGHS Catherine? For God's sake, you didn't use your own blood, did you? How could I ask one of my men to do something I would not? Damn you, Hal! Now it's not a true trinity! It won't destroy him, it'll merely weaken him! IT LAUGHS torment.
Round and round we go.
Hal, wait! What are you doing? Evil doesn't die, it just passes like a parcel, from year to year, body to body.
Emil, do something! She can't take much more! EMIL RECITES AN INCANTATION IT MOANS IT LAUGHS EMIL CONTINUES Hal, don't let the Devil escape! But I survive.
I live on while good people die around me.
Heroes die.
Grab your coat, Ian, we're leaving.
Because I've seen how this ends.
Don't! Stand down.
It's all right.
- What are you doing? - Something we're about to regret.
Don't you see, I'm his future and he's mine.
So you need something to stay good for.
We're giving it to you.
From now on, everything you do, we're responsible.
So if you can't - think of any other reason - Then for fuck's sake stay good for that.
- Why? Why are you doing this? - We're all equally responsible for this.
And you're the only one who knows how to work the immersion heater.
Now what do we do about him? - We'll take care of that.
I want you in police uniforms.
We're using Scenario Four.
Evacuate the neighbouring offices then seal the main entrance.
This is a lock-down.
Another dirty race is the Mexicans.
Are there any in the kitchen? They spit in the food, you know.
It's like Clarkson says.
Where's the bloody milk? - Oh! - I'm so sorry! - Look what you've done! - I'll be right back, I'm so sorry.
- You stupid bitch! Stupid whore.
Stupid shit of a girl! You stole my death.
You're in my sights now, pal.
One day I'm going to watch you die.
Come on, guys, let's go home.
Hal! Hal! Round and round in circles, like you said.
This is where you'll end up - on a pile of bodies with a hard-on.
As sure as eggs is eggs.
I'm so sorry, Captain, if you just take your cardigan off Oh, these things happen.
And just to show there's no hard feelings, I'd like to share a little secret with you.
Come closer.
I'll whisper it.
I'll whisper it.
It'll tickle you.
INDISTINCT Hello, Martin.
I'm sure you'd like an explanation for what happened here.
Preliminary tests indicate that your colleague Ian had taken a cocktail of hallucinogenic drugs.
Drugs, eh? Then I must have had some an' all.
He had bloody fangs, mate, and eyes as black as your cat.
One of the side-effects of the drugs I'm taking this to the papers.
In which case, we would be compelled to issue a gagging order.
That bastard killed my nephew.
Smashing lad, he was.
Brains like a brick shithouse.
Oh, no, no, no.
I am going to be a thorn in your shoe.
A spanner in your side.
I'm taking this right to the top.
I liked that pen.
Well, Mr Cram .
.
someone certainly hit the ground running.
It's Crumb.
I'm sorry? That's what they used to call me.
I like it now.
The Crumb that choked the world.
It's rather clever, isn't it? They ignored me and patronised me.
Now they'll dream about me for the rest of their lives.
I'm the world's worst nightmare.
The victim who gets super powers.
Mr Cra Crumb.
You've just given me an idea.
God forbid you have a shirt with a button on it like regular people.
Tell your family what happened.
And let them tell the world we are a shameful secret.
Perhaps one that shouldn't be protected any longer.
I don't know.
Seeing that guy in the office and how scared all those people were, I'm not sure I want to tell the world there are monsters under the bed.
And what about your unfinished business? Must be something else.
I just hope it's not blowing up any babies.
- Too soon? - A little? OK.
I guess what I'm trying to say is .
.
that, like it or not, this is my world now.
Welcome.
- Welcome? - I panicked.
What Tom is trying to say is it's a world in which we've spent the majority of our lives.
As you explore it, we'll be by your side.
Right.
You're good to go.
Find me that bastard Devil.
Everything all right, Captain? - Where's Sophie? - I'm not sure.
I think she had some news and decided to slip away.
DISTANT SIRENS What on earth? Sorry, Captain.
Oh, you carry on, my love.
I'm fine.
In fact, I haven't felt this good for years.
SCREAMING I think the house is haunted.
Do you want to play with me? Your hour approaches, Mr Crumb.
I'm sorry about him.
He's new.
And an idiot.
- Yeah, you're the boss.
- Tom! I'm sorry, Alex.
SCREAMING Ssh!
- Yesterday was your first blood for how long? - 55 years.
- How did the blood taste? I was involved tangentially.
You weren't drinking my blood "tangentially.
" How many times will you bring that up? Hail! I love you.
No! I'm stuck like this? For ever? That's it.
We are finding my body and I am totally passing over.
And if we need to, we can make people disappear in a puff of smoke.
Untie me, you hound! Untie me, bitch! Lady Catherine.
Lord Hal.
Got my message then? Message? I say message, I just allowed you to discover my whereabouts.
I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the chance to kill me.
I'm surprised there wasn't a queue.
Ho-ho-ho! But the Werewolf army would never let their leader embark on a solo assassination.
Let me guess, you stuffed a pillow beneath your blanket and slipped away under the cover of darkness? Took me back to my convent days.
Ah.
You could have at least warned your guards I was coming.
Save me from killing one of them.
It's precisely that dreary compassion for staff that would have lost you this war anyway.
What do you mean, WOULD have lost me this war? We need to parley.
This civil war between our clans has been raging for seven years.
In fact, I believe it is what triggered the current war on the human world.
Obviously there's nothing we enjoy more .
.
than a good rough and tumble.
But we have reason to believe we're being manipulated.
Someone else - something else - is fanning the flames of this conflict.
So the same thought has occurred to you too? But who? Who could do that? Lady Catherine, we are not at war with each other, we are at war with the Devil.
"Death Proof" by Kate Nash You can spend your life getting down on one thing You can waste all your time on one idea You can get your little brain into one big mess But what you gonna do now, baby when it all caves in? Burn, burn Burn my heart, baby Take a piece cos I don't need all of it Don't have time for your cruel ways And I'm the one without numbered days cos I don't have time to die.
This isn't about rehabilitation anymore.
It's vindictive.
Stay in the chair until you're over the blood lust.
- Come on, it'll make you big and strong.
- I don't mean the chair.
I implore you, put a screen in front of me.
Give me a blindfold.
No-one should have to look at this.
We could put a cover over your head.
Like how you tell a budgie it's night time.
Don't look at me! I can't eat or drink, so none of this is mine.
Besides, I spent my entire life cleaning up after my smelly brothers.
So until the moment I pass over I shall be mostly reading magazines or watching the Welsh Rugby Team get changed.
When you go, let me know if you'd like me to accompany you.
There's some weird people out there.
Says the werewolf spoon-feeding mashed banana to the vampire.
Look, 10 minutes is all I ask.
Supervised, of course.
Just so I can do a quick run round with the Hoover and sort out the recycling! Please! This is torture! If we wanted to torture you, we'd show you a picture of the bathroom.
The bathroom too? You people are animals! What do you reckon? Is he safe? Well, a few days ago he stopped shouting abuse and started correcting my grammar again, so I guess that's got to be a good sign.
How long does it take for a vampire to get over the blood lust? A week? A month? A year? Who do we ask? I guess we ask him.
- We're thinking of letting you out.
- Thank you.
Fill a bowl with boiling water and washing up liquid.
This is a two-sets-of-Marigolds problem.
Out-out.
But it's your call.
- If you're still dangerous, say so now.
- What? I mean it, Hal.
We can wait some more.
Don't let me do this if you're still a risk.
There must be a structure.
First off, you steer clear of vampires.
They're a bad influence.
That goes for all of us.
No more supernatural nonsense.
Agreed.
- And if you drink blood again then - You kill me.
I was thinking more along the lines of a fine.
Drinking blood means I have become the man I fear.
Drinking blood is the overture to a greater catastrophe.
You need to swear on something.
On the memory of Eve.
On the memory of Eve.
Right then! OK, dick-splash, for the last time, I'm not planning anything.
Don't get me wrong, I could pull your kidneys out through your nostrils if I wanted.
But, lucky for you, I'm getting way too old for this shit.
Hetty, you're the last of the Old Ones, of course you're planning something.
Malevolence and greed are hard-wired into your DNA.
Yeah? And your mum's so fat, her blood type's Ragu.
Besides, who says I'm the last one? What? Can I smoke in here? Hetty.
There's another Old One.
In fact it's cos of him our whole world domination thing went tits up.
Who? Hal.
A human sympathiser.
He was always kind of skittish.
What if we opened a window? Seriously, I'm gasping here.
How about this? You tell me all you can about this Hal and I'll arrange for an Air Force flight to return you to Bolivia tomorrow.
Sounds like a plan.
But make sure they've got some crayons in case I want to draw some ponies and shit.
Ah! Smell that alpine freshness.
- What's this? - This, my friends, is peace in our time.
It's OK, I've seen it all before, it's a cleaning rota.
I've split the domestic duties into three sub-groups.
Tom, Alex and I.
Why's there one for me? I'll be passing over soon.
Yes, but until then you're part of this household.
Now But then you're just going to have to draw up a whole new rota.
I know.
Now How are you going to complete your business and pass over? Find my body somehow and get it to my family, I guess.
So they can all grieve and stuff.
Didn't them blokes take it? Yeah, so we just find out who they are and then go to the papers or something.
- Well, that's obviously out of the question.
- Why? We cannot risk werewolves and vampires and ghosts being revealed to the world.
The consequences could be catastrophic.
- Column one - No, sorry, you of all people don't get to dictate what we tell my dad and brothers.
What does that mean? Me of all people? I'm not letting a good man die of grief just to protect the fucking Twilight franchise.
We'll discuss this later.
You can discuss it later.
With yourself.
That doesn't even make sense.
- Cleaning rota.
- Thank you, Tom.
As you can see, Alex has the lion's share of the domestic tasks.
Tom and I will take on extra shifts at the cafe to cover the rent.
Why are you looking at each other like that? The cafe.
Tony didn't like us taking all them shifts off while you was strapped in the chair so he sort of sacked us.
On the bright side, you get to make a new rota.
Not one name! How am I supposed to get a five-a-side team together if no-one signs up, you lazy buggers? And who forgot to tell me you were all going to the pub last night? I bet someone felt daft when they realised.
Probably just as well.
I was updating my blog.
Those games don't review themselves! Crumb! Oh.
Aargh It's Cram.
What is? My name.
Like the runner.
Steve Cram.
He was voted Sports Personality Of The Year in Your position's up for review.
I'm shaking up the whole floor.
Separating the wheat from the boys.
Bringing new blood in, like, well, I don't know, Gavin.
What, your nephew Gavin? Is he my nephew? Well, he's a smart lad.
In my Christmas quiz he said alopecia was a mountain! So he doesn't know much about plants.
Big deal.
There'll be a panel.
Which I might be on.
You need to reapply.
For the job I already have? See, told you.
Problem solved.
People on board a ship that's capsizing don't use that many exclamation marks.
Oh, my God, do you really think we could work in a place like this? Knowing our luck.
No not that one, you stupid bitch! It's the cushion with the trim around the edges! Don't you understand anything, you ignorant shit? Captain Hatch? Perhaps we could use our inside voice and say "Not today, thank you," to the expletives.
Oh, Patsy you're absolutely right, I do apologise.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
Can I help? Yeah, we're here for the interviews.
Hot.
Sorry? In here.
It's It's very hot in here.
Could Could someone open a window? I've always wanted to work in a hotel, ever since me and my dad snuck into the Bristol Hilton when I was 14.
We were hunting a vampire called Radley.
Radley? I know Radley.
Big ginger fellow.
- Yeah.
- How was he? - Yeah, good.
Until we killed him obviously.
I'm going to go check out the competition.
And draw some cocks on the applications.
- Tom McNair? - Yep.
Kill them.
Metaphorically.
When you talk to other vampires, as even you must from time to time.
How do you account for your continued anonymity? Luck, skill or humanity's stupidity? I know you.
In the basement of that nightclub, a month or so ago.
You took my friend's body.
Who are you? My name is Dominic Rook.
My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone and it has been the job of people like me for hundreds of years.
By telling me all this aren't you rather missing the point of a clandestine organisation? I have a proposition for you.
You are a rare creature, Hal.
A human sympathiser with an eminent position in vampire society.
It gives us an opportunity.
If you were to take charge of the vampires, we could strike an accord between our two worlds.
Me? No.
I can't do that.
In exchange for a cessation of chaos and violence, we will provide you with per diems, premises and the means to acquire blood consensually.
I I don't need blood any more.
I've been dry for over 60 years.
You're sweating, Hal.
Your hands are shaking.
What happened to my friend's body? Offhand, I don't recall.
Some are returned to their families with an appropriate cover story.
Others, we let the families create their own narratives.
- But if you were to help me I'm sure I could find - No.
No, that's Look, I can't return to that world.
I've seen vampires try to live a human life before.
It always ends in tears.
Incidentally, we've been monitoring this place.
suicide here in as many years.
As far as we can tell it's not werewolf or vampire related.
But if you get the job, keep an eye out.
Perhaps it's the decor.
You can find me here.
The Old Ones are gone, Hal.
The remaining vampires are rudderless and volatile.
We can mould them into any shape we wish.
Trust me .
.
you don't want to see a world where I'm leading the vampires.
So here's my question for you.
How do you shave? Don't do that.
All right, sorry, Nana.
Sorry again about the crying.
Yeah, no worries.
So, ready for me to pump you? Um yes? Have you any experience in the hotel trade? Well, I've stayed in the Savoy.
Brilliant.
You're in.
Can't wait to have you.
Here.
I mean have you in the hotel.
Working in the hotel.
Yeah, we're both really excited.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That was your interview? I had a general knowledge round! Well, someone's clearly taken a shine to our Hal.
Is anyone else fast-forwarding to her ghost living in the house with us? What? Oh, come on, that's funny.
OK, can we all just remind ourselves - I didn't kill you.
We've indulged this myth long enough.
Right, well, A - you of all people do not get to say - when my death is "old news" and B - Me of all people.
You're doing it again! I mean, you weren't exactly an innocent bystander to it all, were you? When you asked me out on that date, you knew exactly what kind of world you were bringing me into.
You shouldn't be wearing suits and talking to girls and being charming.
You should have a fucking sign round your neck and a bell! You should be living in a cave! What the hell happened there then? "Ca Plane Pour Moi" by Plastic Bertrand Yam, bam, mon chat Splash git sur mon lit a bouffe tout mon whisky For Christ's sake! .
.
peu dormi, vide, brime J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere Ou j'ai eu un flash Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh En quatre couleurs Allez hop, un matin une louloute est venue chez moi Poupee de cellophane, cheveux chinois HE HISSES Oh, God no I'm sorry.
- Wait! I can explain! - Aaargh! Comme un Indien dans son igloo Ca plane pour moi Ca plane pour moi.
No! Gahh! Help me.
Please.
Help me.
If this is a trick, I shall plunge this into your calcified heart.
And you wonder why you're single.
Not interrupting, are we? Yes, actually.
I was reading some ancient texts.
Lady Catherine Glass, leader of the werewolves.
Emil Parsons, dead wizard.
Necromancer.
I was master of the black arts.
Sorcerer supreme.
Gatekeeper to the forbidden world.
How did you die? I had to be silenced.
I knew too much.
He fell out of a tree trying to see into his sister-in-law's bathroom.
Emil, we need your help.
We believe this war between the werewolves and the vampires is being exacerbated by the Devil.
He feeds on the energy created by our conflict.
That doesn't make any sense.
Potassium.
What would happen if you mixed this with Olsiis? It would blow your pretty head off.
Two chemicals, benign apart, but when thrust together, they produce an explosion of energy.
The conflict between the werewolves and the vampires generates such an energy, upon which the Devil feasts and grows fat.
If this power grows unchecked it will bring about the apocalypse.
We have called a cease-fire.
But it is my belief we need some kind of spell or ritual to symbolize our new unity and defeat the Devil once and for all.
The world teeters on the brink of calamity.
We face an enemy of unimaginable cunning and power.
So let's keep cock-ups to an absolute minimum.
TYRES SCREECH HE HISSES - Was that you? - No.
- Yes.
- What are you doing down here? Measuring up.
I'm thinking of installing a .
.
sauna.
Down here.
Sorry for yesterday.
Blaming you for my death when really it was your friend and all you did was drink my blood.
Why do women do that? Don't give it another thought.
- What you lot doing down here? - Hal's building a sauna.
A sauna? Here? That's ridiculous.
Excuse me, weren't you planning to put a swimming pool in the garden? I said that cos we'd only just met and you know as well as I do I was really making a bomb.
Fine.
I'm making a bomb.
Thank you.
It's the lying that hurts.
Let's have a look then.
The men that took your body.
One of them approached me yesterday.
He wants me to work for them.
What? I said no, of course, but not until I'd found out their location.
Well, this is just numbers.
It's a map reference.
Longitude and latitude.
I can find this.
You're sure this is where Alex's body is? Who knows.
But it's somewhere to start.
You should check it out.
What, aren't you coming? I can't.
God, heaps to do here.
Plus they're probably still angry at me for turning them down.
- I'll go with you.
- Oh, cheers, fella.
I mean, you can't go on your own, you're a lady.
Put that down.
My name is Hal.
It's Ian, isn't it? I'm sorry, I looked through your wallet Ian? Cram.
Like the runner.
What runner? Steve Cram.
He was awarded an MBE in 1986.
I did not know that.
Where am I? This is my home.
I brought you here last night.
Oh, God, have you bummed me? I haven't bummed you.
You're going to bum me now.
Ian, I have no intention of bumming you.
I brought you here because you were involved in an accident.
I feel weird.
Have you drugged me? I'm allergic to aspirin.
If you've given me an aspirin then it's actually murder.
I haven't drugged you.
Your body is going through an extraordinary transformation.
One I went through many years ago.
You feel nauseous because your blood pressure has dropped.
Your heart rate is about one beat per minute now.
But you won't die because your healing process has got spectacularly fast.
- I'm thirsty.
- Yes, but you don't want water.
All you've been able to think about since you awoke is one word but you don't know why.
If I told you there was some underneath this floor, you'd dig through the concrete with your fingers.
Accept it and I can help you.
But you have to say it.
I don't know what you mean.
In your wallet there's a photo of a family.
Are they yours? My sister and my niece.
And you love them? I carry their photo.
When you think about them now, what comes into your head? I want to drink them dry.
It's all right.
It's all right.
That will fade in time.
You'll remember how to love someone in time.
What have you done to me? You're a vampire.
I made you into a vampire and I'm so sorry.
A vampire? There's no handle.
You probably need a beepy thing, like on a car.
- I can open it from the other side.
- No, no, no, no.
You don't know what's in there.
It's bound to be alarmed, probably on a circuit.
We'll have to go home and get my dad's toolbox Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get back! Get back, get back! Aw, look at your little face.
You think you're dead funny, don't you? If you was a vampire, I'd have staked you.
It's a trick.
It's not a trick.
Vampires were born out of a pact with the Devil.
He gets our souls and, to remind us, he takes our reflections.
We call it Old Nick's Wink.
I don't believe in the Devil.
I'm not sure I did until I met him.
What are you doing? I need to find somewhere to put you for the next few weeks.
The next few weeks? But I never miss work.
They'll be worried sick.
Most days I'm there to unlock the doors for the cleaners.
You won't be able to manage the hunger.
- I'll take some blood in a Thermos.
- Listen to me.
You're a different species now.
This isn't just a craving, it's cellular.
Why did you do this to me? I'll be back soon.
Why don't I look and you have a sit down? OK, Tom, we're going to have this conversation.
Can you please stop treating me like I'm made of glass or cobwebs or something? All right? I'm dead.
My health and wellbeing has pretty much bottomed out.
So what am I supposed to do? I don't know, just treat me like an equal.
- Treat me like a bloke.
- But you're a lady.
And me dad taught me how to treat ladies.
Always be polite and courteous, if a lady came in the room, you stood up and took off any hats and if it was a vampire, you staked them.
And I'm sure that growing up in the paramilitary wing of the Amish had many plusses but I find it patronising.
Here we go.
I've found me.
It says I've gone.
"Carcass " - nice.
".
.
returned to family.
" They've already got me.
The Home Secretary will see you now.
There's no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt.
Your department is to be dissolved, - its responsibilities handed to Special Branch.
- What? But you can't.
Our work is essential.
Your work is clandestine, unregulated and eye-wateringly expensive.
Three months should be enough to decommission the archive and prepare for succession.
But what about our tenants? They're too dangerous to simply release.
Well, what does one usually do with diseased and dangerous livestock? Giles? Could you ask them to bring my car around? You and your ilk may have been around since Cromwell but nothing is sacred these days.
Defence, health, education, everyone's felt the swish of the knife.
See, it's part of a wider initiative called PVU - Placing Value Uppermost.
Alistair, please.
Oh, don't worry, we'll find you something.
In fact, I'll talk to Tim in Agriculture This isn't about my career! These are monsters! You can't just let them run wild, without supervision, without restraint! They're time-bombs! Dominic, please.
Control yourself.
I'm begging you.
Don't do this.
It's done.
Then God help us all.
I drowned, according to this.
Walking along the canal bank.
I slipped and fell.
No sign of struggle or trauma.
Just a random, stupid accident.
I was buried.
Christ, three weeks ago! "In a private service attended by family and friends.
"Alex's father, Brendan said, 'Alex was beautiful in every sense.
" 'We will never forget " 'her strength, kindness and determination.
" 'She lit up our lives and we will miss her so much.
' " They've started getting better without me.
I thought that I would take my body back to them and all this would end.
But it's already happened and they're talking about me in the past tense and I'm still here.
You've got us.
I don't want you! I want to taste food again and someone's kiss, you know? I want to have sex and a hangover.
I want to take off these fucking boots! At least you've had a life.
This is all I've ever known.
But you can still love someone.
You can eat cake.
And after that? A family? Most parents worry about messing their kids up.
I'm worried about eating mine.
Oh, this world sucks.
Even with super powers.
I'm sorry if the way I speak to you is annoying.
It's just what my dad would expect me to do.
And that keeps him alive in my mind.
Makes me feel safe.
You're an excellent person, Thomas.
I just need to remember that.
No opening doors though, eh? Well I mean, if I'm carrying something then THUD! - Who are you? - Don't hurt me! What's he doing down here? The other one put me here.
- Tom, he can see me.
- He's a vampire.
Oh, not you as well.
That's what the other one Hal? - That's what he said.
- Hal put you down here? He attacked me last night.
I woke up here.
He said he'd turned me into a vampire and then tied me to the radiator.
Please, just let me go.
I won't tell anyone.
He says I have to stay here for weeks.
We made a deal.
He swore on Eve's bib.
He said it was over.
What do we do? Like I said.
We made a deal.
You're not like him are you? I can't put my finger on it.
What are you? A werewolf.
Fancy.
Tom, wait.
What do we do with him? Please let me go.
I don't understand what you want from me.
We don't want anything from you.
It's just that, the thing you are now, you might hurt someone.
I've never hurt anyone in my life! I have pets, I keep newts.
Oh, God, my newts! Hal says it twists your mind.
Hal says, Hal says! Are you scared of him? No, of course not.
Well, I am.
How long's he normally keep people down here? I don't know.
This is new.
What? But I'm sure he won't hurt you.
How sure? Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! But he doesn't just hurt people.
You said he doesn't normally just lock them in cellars! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! It's just if, if something was to happen You have no right to put me in this danger! I have friends and a family and a job! You can't just steal that from me.
It's OK, I'm here! Gav? What's going on, mate? Crumb! Where the hell have you been? It's Cram, actually, like the The state of you! You can't turn up looking like that.
Christ, is that blood? Oh, yeah, I got hit by a car.
Well, thank God we've got Gavin is all I can say.
He's a whirlwind, that boy.
Formula One.
Oh, no, no.
I'm going to have to let you go.
Turning up late is one thing but covered in blood? Well, that's a different kettle of ball games.
OK.
But I warn you, if I go, everyone goes.
We're not just work mates, we're family.
Isn't that right, guys? Tom.
Oh, God.
GROANING First, blood of the vampire.
Next, blood of the wolf.
MOANING Remind me, what will this do? I shall summon the Devil by telling him that the vampire and werewolf armies are battling here.
He'll come to warm his hands on the fire of your conflict.
You're going to bring the Devil here? Not frightened are you, Lord Hal? Hardly.
I've met your mother.
When are you due one of your periods of being nice? Not for ages, thankfully.
They're dreadfully dull.
You haven't tried it with me.
Ahem.
Sorry.
You were saying? - Tell me why I shouldn't kill you.
- It's not what do you think.
So tell us.
He saw me manifest.
He ran away and was hit by a car.
He was dying.
I recruited him to save his life.
But you didn't inhale - I swore on Eve's - Don't say her name! - You don't get to say her name again.
- Do I look like I've fed recently? Why did you turn him into a vampire, why not just Why not just let him slip away? Because I couldn't stand by and watch another death.
I couldn't let what happened to you happen again.
You should have told us.
Look we can discuss this later, first we have to decide what to do with him.
It might seem strange and inhumane - but the best thing is to keep him here.
- Agreed.
Oh.
- What? - Nothing.
Please say you haven't let him go.
I think short hair really suits you.
But he's a predator! He's only been a vampire for about seventeen hours! How was I supposed to know? I should have left a clue, like, I don't know, locking him in a cellar and tying him to a fucking radiator! I hate to say it but Hal's right.
Thingy won't be able to control himself.
You should have said something! I'm new to all this and I'm still very traumatised and all that jazz.
I was upset! We have to find him.
After that you do whatever you think is best.
I won't stop you.
But we must find him first.
The Devil has no form of his own so will possess the nearest human vessel.
This is a local madman.
He shall be the conduit for the Devil.
But when he realises it's a trap, won't his spirit just flee again? We perform the blood ritual, which will trap him in the maniac's body.
Ah! And then we kill him! Yes, I remember that bit.
Wonderful.
Can I now get back to summoning the Antichrist, please? THUNDER CRASHES Look.
He's here.
Look.
He's here.
SLURPING Tell you what, being a vampire don't half give you an appetite.
It won't last.
The hunger will fade.
You'll come out of this and when you remember what you did, it will devastate you.
Maybe I'll stay in here for ever.
I like it here.
You should see the stuff that's going on.
I'm going to leave such a boot-print on the world.
Then I'll have to kill you.
And you'll be back to square one.
All the nasty stuff has to go somewhere, Hal.
MUFFLED SCREAMS Argh! Aaargh! Aaargh! We have to do it now! MENACING GROWL Emil, quickly! Before he flees the maniac's body! When I was a kid, there was this boy.
He hit me.
He hit everyone but I got it the worst.
God knows why, I was hardly a threat.
I wasn't popular or funny.
In PE, when they were picking teams, even Barney Thomas got picked before me and he wore a built-up shoe.
But that was the problem.
I disgusted him.
Because he was just a hair's breadth from being me.
I was everything he was frightened of.
If there's one thing I know about, it's bullies.
You took everything you hated and put it in one place.
You need someone like me to be the bad man so you don't have to.
So let's end this once and for all.
What? The Trinity of the Bloods shall imprison you in that body! IT LAUGHS Catherine? For God's sake, you didn't use your own blood, did you? How could I ask one of my men to do something I would not? Damn you, Hal! Now it's not a true trinity! It won't destroy him, it'll merely weaken him! IT LAUGHS torment.
Round and round we go.
Hal, wait! What are you doing? Evil doesn't die, it just passes like a parcel, from year to year, body to body.
Emil, do something! She can't take much more! EMIL RECITES AN INCANTATION IT MOANS IT LAUGHS EMIL CONTINUES Hal, don't let the Devil escape! But I survive.
I live on while good people die around me.
Heroes die.
Grab your coat, Ian, we're leaving.
Because I've seen how this ends.
Don't! Stand down.
It's all right.
- What are you doing? - Something we're about to regret.
Don't you see, I'm his future and he's mine.
So you need something to stay good for.
We're giving it to you.
From now on, everything you do, we're responsible.
So if you can't - think of any other reason - Then for fuck's sake stay good for that.
- Why? Why are you doing this? - We're all equally responsible for this.
And you're the only one who knows how to work the immersion heater.
Now what do we do about him? - We'll take care of that.
I want you in police uniforms.
We're using Scenario Four.
Evacuate the neighbouring offices then seal the main entrance.
This is a lock-down.
Another dirty race is the Mexicans.
Are there any in the kitchen? They spit in the food, you know.
It's like Clarkson says.
Where's the bloody milk? - Oh! - I'm so sorry! - Look what you've done! - I'll be right back, I'm so sorry.
- You stupid bitch! Stupid whore.
Stupid shit of a girl! You stole my death.
You're in my sights now, pal.
One day I'm going to watch you die.
Come on, guys, let's go home.
Hal! Hal! Round and round in circles, like you said.
This is where you'll end up - on a pile of bodies with a hard-on.
As sure as eggs is eggs.
I'm so sorry, Captain, if you just take your cardigan off Oh, these things happen.
And just to show there's no hard feelings, I'd like to share a little secret with you.
Come closer.
I'll whisper it.
I'll whisper it.
It'll tickle you.
INDISTINCT Hello, Martin.
I'm sure you'd like an explanation for what happened here.
Preliminary tests indicate that your colleague Ian had taken a cocktail of hallucinogenic drugs.
Drugs, eh? Then I must have had some an' all.
He had bloody fangs, mate, and eyes as black as your cat.
One of the side-effects of the drugs I'm taking this to the papers.
In which case, we would be compelled to issue a gagging order.
That bastard killed my nephew.
Smashing lad, he was.
Brains like a brick shithouse.
Oh, no, no, no.
I am going to be a thorn in your shoe.
A spanner in your side.
I'm taking this right to the top.
I liked that pen.
Well, Mr Cram .
.
someone certainly hit the ground running.
It's Crumb.
I'm sorry? That's what they used to call me.
I like it now.
The Crumb that choked the world.
It's rather clever, isn't it? They ignored me and patronised me.
Now they'll dream about me for the rest of their lives.
I'm the world's worst nightmare.
The victim who gets super powers.
Mr Cra Crumb.
You've just given me an idea.
God forbid you have a shirt with a button on it like regular people.
Tell your family what happened.
And let them tell the world we are a shameful secret.
Perhaps one that shouldn't be protected any longer.
I don't know.
Seeing that guy in the office and how scared all those people were, I'm not sure I want to tell the world there are monsters under the bed.
And what about your unfinished business? Must be something else.
I just hope it's not blowing up any babies.
- Too soon? - A little? OK.
I guess what I'm trying to say is .
.
that, like it or not, this is my world now.
Welcome.
- Welcome? - I panicked.
What Tom is trying to say is it's a world in which we've spent the majority of our lives.
As you explore it, we'll be by your side.
Right.
You're good to go.
Find me that bastard Devil.
Everything all right, Captain? - Where's Sophie? - I'm not sure.
I think she had some news and decided to slip away.
DISTANT SIRENS What on earth? Sorry, Captain.
Oh, you carry on, my love.
I'm fine.
In fact, I haven't felt this good for years.
SCREAMING I think the house is haunted.
Do you want to play with me? Your hour approaches, Mr Crumb.
I'm sorry about him.
He's new.
And an idiot.
- Yeah, you're the boss.
- Tom! I'm sorry, Alex.
SCREAMING Ssh!