Bewitched (1964) s05e01 Episode Script

Mother, I'd rather do it myself.
Stop talking like a dreary housewife and give your mama a kiss.
My.
Aren't we in a mellow mood this afternoon.
- How's Darrin? - Who? Your husband.
Remember him? That's the first time you've gotten his name right.
Well, I've been thinking.
If I have to be saddled with a mortal for a son-in-law I suppose he's as good as any.
Now, this is for you, darling.
I brought it from Paris, fighting headwinds all the way.
- It's a wedding present.
- Whose? Yours, of course, darling.
Belated, but sincere.
Let's see how it looks on.
- It's cute.
- Wait until you see the rest of them.
- I brought a dozen.
- Mother! Honey, I'm home! Back in the box.
Oh, my stars! See what happens when you get out of training? - Hi.
- Hi.
Endora, when did you swoop in? Sweetheart, I have good news.
- Mother just stopped by to - What's that? It's a present from Mother.
- What for? - It's a wedding gift.
We were married five years ago.
Well, I wasn't sure it would take.
I mean, why waste a perfectly good spell on a bad marriage? That's just what I mean.
We agreed not to have any witchcraft around here.
We don't want anything that you conjured up out of Out of eels' eyes and bats' wings.
- Bats' wings? - Eels' eyes? One more remark like that and you'll get down on your four knees and apologise.
Sweetheart, I really think Mother deserves - His four knees? - He will be a billy goat.
Oh, well, now, now, wait a minute.
Let's not get carried away.
Try to understand, sweetheart.
Mother brought a gift.
Now, people give gifts the way they know how and in Mother's - Oh, stop it, Samantha! I don't need anyone to plead my case.
Now, are you satisfied? Please try and understand why I feel this way.
Oh, I understand perfectly.
Yes, you're a small, small man and I think it's just about time you realized it.
Just once, I wish she'd leave a room in the normal way.
I've never seen Mother quite so upset.
She'll get over it.
I wouldn't make any bets on that.
What can she do to me? The possibilities are endless.
- Endless? - Well, let me put it this way: Mother's bite is a lot worse than her bark.
Sam, there's nothing to apologise for.
I know we don't agree on this, but you'll just have to go along with me.
Darrin, are you sure you're feeling all right? Honey, will you please stop worrying.
Endora's probably forgotten the whole thing by now.
Oh, I don't know.
One thing about Mother, she never forgets a grudge.
I half expected to wake up this morning and find myself married to a billy goat.
Nope.
I think Endora understands my position and Hey! What did the laundry do to my shirt? What's the matter with it? The collar's too big.
They stretched it.
That doesn't sound like our laundry.
Their specialties are over-starching and shrinking.
Well, I haven't got time to change it now.
Goodbye.
Take good care of yourself, huh? Look, as soon as I start to sprout horns and a goatee l'll give you a I know you're up to something.
- Hi, Darrin.
- Hi, Larry.
- How's the layout coming? - Should be ready by tomorrow.
This should give you a rough idea.
Oh, looks pretty good to me.
Perhaps, we should - What's the matter? - It's nothing.
I thought I'd set up a meeting with the client, show them these sketches Larry, why are you staring at me like that? - Darrin, how tall are you? - Six feet, one inch.
Why? Well, that's strange.
I'm 6'1 ".
- Small world.
Now, if the client - We're the same height.
- So? - So, why does your head only come up to my eyes? You must be taller than you think.
Darrin, you look beat.
Why don't you knock off for the day? Thanks, Lar.
I am kind of bushed.
I'll get a good night's sleep tonight and then - Laundry.
- What? The laundry made a mistake with my shirts.
- I see.
- Losing weight? - What? I think you're right, Darrin.
You do need a good night's rest.
Maybe you should even Darrin, were you feeling okay when you got dressed this morning? What? Why don't you take a couple of days off? You've been working hard.
I can fill in for you.
It'll be no problem at all.
There you go.
Darrin, either you have a lousy tailor or you're shrinking.
I gotta get home.
Mr.
Stephens, would you sign these letters before you I haven't got time.
I've gotta drive home while my feet can still reach the pedals.
That's peculiar.
- Abner! - What is it now? Mr.
Stephens is only four feet tall.
Samantha! Oh, Mother shouldn't have done that.
Don't just stand there! Do something! - What? - Make me grow! Sweetheart, I can't.
What do you mean? You're a witch, aren't you? Darling, you know I can't undo Mother's spell.
Oh, sorry.
How stupid of me to forget.
Now, now, sweetheart, just try and stay calm.
Calm? I shrunk six inches in a crowded elevator.
How am I gonna get back to normal? Well, you'll just have to apologise to Mother.
For what? For daring to stand up to her? For having a difference of opinion? Darrin, you're really in no position to debate the issue.
She had no right to do this to me.
What difference does it make who's right and who's wrong? You're only four feet tall.
Where I come from, a man is measured by his principles, not by his height.
- Darrin.
- No! You listen to me.
If I give up on this l'll be giving up the right to express my opinion in my own house.
No! I will not be bullied, not by Endora or anyone else.
I will not compromise my principles.
I hate to say this but your speech would be a lot more effective if you were just a teeny bit taller.
I am only four feet tall, but at least I'm my own man and I'll win out over Endora because she doesn't frighten me a bit.
I can take anything she can hand out.
I hope so.
Ready for your coffee, sweetheart? No cream, I'm on a diet.
You're being ridiculous, Gladys.
Nobody shrinks two feet in one day.
I saw it with my own two eyes.
You will too.
What are you gonna do? Knock at the door and ask to see the house midget? Of course not.
I lay awake all night thinking of a plan to get in there.
I tried to reach Mother.
She's being stubborn.
And I called Larry, told him you wouldn't be in today.
I just said you weren't yourself.
Boy, that's the biggest understatement of the year.
Darrin, are you sure you're warm enough in that handkerchief? Well, it is a bit drafty.
That's something I can fix.
Thanks, honey.
I thought the vertical stripes would give you more height.
Sam, I appreciate you standing behind me like this.
Well, it's all part of the bargain.
- Bargain? - You know.
"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer for taller, for shorter.
" Sorry.
I'll get that.
Don't go away.
- Where do you think I'm going? - Oh, you little dickens.
- Hi, there.
- Hi, there.
Our dog got into your backyard by mistake so we came to get him.
Oh? Well, I didn't even know you had a dog.
Oh, we just got him.
He was taking us for a walk and he got off the leash.
We noticed Mr.
Stephens didn't go to work this morning.
Nothing wrong, I hope.
Oh, no.
No, he just didn't feel up to it.
Thanks for asking though.
Funny he should get sick.
I mean, he looked so healthy.
- And tall.
- Gladys.
I'd like to ask you to stay for coffee but I really can't.
I'm awfully busy.
As a matter of fact I was just on my way out to pick something up for Mr.
Stephens.
Sure.
We understand.
Darrin? Darrin, where are you? - He's not here.
- Who isn't here? Your dog, of course.
Abner! - What is it, Gladys? - Your dog's gone.
I said he was in the backyard, Mrs.
Stephens.
He's probably gone on a scavenger hunt.
No matter what we feed him, he always wants more.
This dog will eat anything that's not nailed down.
Sam! Sam! Samantha, help! This is the last load this morning, Sam.
We'll take this stuff to the dump, then knock off for lunch.
All right, you take the crate.
I'll take this stuff over here.
- Sam! - Yeah, what do you want? I didn't say nothing, Sam.
No? Mother? Mother, I'll give you just three seconds to appear before me.
One, two, three.
You have done some terrible things in your time but, this time, you have gone too far.
I thought he needed cutting down to size.
Mother, you make the Wicked Witch of the West look like Shirley Temple.
Oh, well, all right.
Perhaps I did get carried away but he had no right to behave so childishly.
Where is he? I'll change him back.
You see, that's just the trouble.
I don't know where he is! It's even possible that a dog ate him.
Oh! How positively amusing.
- Mother! - Oh, all right.
I know how upsetting it is to misplace a husband.
Try not to panic.
Suppose he's had some terrible accident? Did you look in the garbage disposal? - Mother, please! - Well, it's just a thought.
Oh, Durwood! Durwood! Come out, come out, wherever you are.
- I can explain all this.
- A leprechaun.
I found a leprechaun in a bottle.
- Don't get upset.
- Who's upset? It's a nice change from them darn snakes.
Will you help me out of here? Not until you give me my three wishes.
But I can't do that.
Look, Mr.
Leprechaun, I'm a fair man.
Now, you give me my three wishes, and we're even-steven.
I give you my word as a gentleman.
Oh, I believe you, but it's not as easy as that.
On the other hand if I don't get my just rewards, I'll squash you with my boot.
All right! All right! Take me to 1164 Morning Glory Circle and then we'll see what we can do.
Fair enough.
Come on, little fella.
Come on.
Hello, are you Mrs.
Leprechaun? - I beg your pardon? - I've got your husband in my pocket.
You have? Not so fast.
We've some business to discuss first.
A matter of three wishes.
Is he hurt? Oh, please, let me see him.
Well, all right.
You can look, but don't touch.
- Cut little fella, isn't he? - Darrin, are you all right? Just give him his three wishes, Sam.
You promise you'll let me have my husband back? Frank O'Hara never welshed on a deal in his life.
All right, Mr.
O'Hara.
What do you want? For my first wish, I'd like a new pair of specs.
Horned rims with gold screws.
One pair of spectacles coming up.
That's wonderful.
Say, you're pretty.
Good-looking wife you got there, little fella.
Get on with it, will you? It's hot in here.
Spunky little fella, isn't he? For my second wish l'd like a new set of duds with a purple waistcoat.
Got you, Mr.
O'Hara.
- How do you do that? - What? Wiggle your nose like that.
Real cute.
It's a trade secret.
You have one wish left.
I'd like a Shetland pony.
A Shetland pony? Aren't you a little old for that? Sam, don't try to psychoanalyze him.
Just give him his pony.
Ever since I was a little kid I wanted a Shetland pony, more than anything else in the world.
And when I didn't get it, I felt shunned by my fellow man.
I became a pitiful outcast.
Just because I didn't get my pony, I was a mess.
Sam, give him his pony! I certainly like the way you do that.
If you look in the driveway you'll find your third wish.
If someone would have done that for me when I was a little boy it would've saved a wasted life.
Wait until I tell the boys down at the mission house.
Well, you gave me my three wishes.
Here's your husband.
Just like that? Don't you wanna know where all the things came from? Why should I? I look upon these things as gifts.
Now, you don't ask where a gift comes from now, do you, little fella? L I suppose not.
Well, bye-bye, Mrs.
Leprechaun.
Goodbye, Mr.
O'Hara, and good luck.
Before I go, I'd like to say one thing.
What's that? You two make a very cute couple.
- There, that's better.
- Know something, Sam? For the first time, I feel very small.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, sweetheart.
That drunk was right.
The truth is if anyone else gave you a wedding present I wouldn't ask how they got it or if it was hot or Sam, I'd like to say I'm sorry to Endora.
- Can you call her? - As a matter of fact, she's here.
She's been helping me search the house for you.
Mother! Mother? - Figures.
- Mother! Mother! You didn't have to shout, Samantha.
- I'm not deaf.
- Where were you? If you hadn't shouted, I would've come right away.
Mother, Darrin has something to say to you.
Oh, my, my! I did quite a job on him, didn't I? May I say something? Of course, this wouldn't have happened if he wasn't so bigoted and unreasonable.
- Look, if you don't listen to me, I'll - Yes, what will you do? Punch me in the knee? Endora, sometimes you're impossible.
I just wanted to say, "I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
" Why on earth didn't you say that before? Thank you, Mother.
Nice to have you back with the grownups, sweetheart.
Nice to be back.
Mother, now that Darrin has apologized I think that you owe him an apology.
Oh, very well.
I regret my slight transgression of the other day but only because my daughter insists.
- That's an apology? - For Mother it is.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to India to meditate with a guru.
"I regret my slight transgression of the other day" Darrin.
Darrin, please.
Don't worry about her.
Just remember, in the words of Frank O'Hara we make a very cute couple.