Black Mirror (2011) s05e01 Episode Script

1 Hey.
Hey.
You here by yourself? - So far.
- Oh.
It's a shame.
A pretty girl like you.
- Okay, corny.
- Oh! Maybe I can make up for it by buying you a drink? Sure.
- Bartender.
- Yeah? Let me get a Buck and a vodka sidecar.
What makes you think I want a vodka sidecar? Maybe I know what you like.
There they are.
Hey! Right on time.
- Hey, Karl.
- Hey, what up, girl? This is Daisy.
- Oh.
- Ooh! - Daisy, this is Danny and Theo.
- Hi.
Hey, lady.
This is my roommates I was telling you about.
You know, the ones who hooked up just so they can get the biggest room in the apartment.
Very true.
- Let me get you all a drink.
- You're right.
Get your asses on the dance floor.
- Come on, girl.
- There we go.
Hey.
That little role-play act, the stranger thing at the bar? Got me hot as fuck.
Ooh.
Mental note to self, my baby's into role-play.
The sound is yours You know it.
What do you do when you dance in a club and the place is packed and jamming? Round one.
Fight.
You're just in time.
Aww Man, I gotta work tomorrow.
Fuck your work.
New game.
No.
No, no, no.
No! - Fuck.
- Roxette wins.
All right, man.
- Okay, one more.
- No, man.
It's too late.
Decision made.
Shit.
Oh, look, he picks Roxette again.
But you've been Lance for 20 bouts straight.
- Come on.
- I know you not bitching.
- Where we going, Panda Mountain? - Sucks.
- Crystal Beach? - Let's go for the Temple.
- Here we go.
- Secret Temple.
Get ready to get your ass kicked, Lance.
Yeah? Roxette's gonna fuck your head off.
- That don't even make sense.
- Fuck your head off.
What does that mean? Round one.
Fight.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh! All right, get up, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
No.
Get out of here.
- You like? What now? - Negative.
- Come on, man.
- That's done.
K.
O.
Perfect.
You woke me up.
Too damn loud.
- You want some of this? - Baby.
"Baby".
- Quiet that shit down.
- Baby.
Baby! Baby! Baby! Birthday boy! Birthday boy.
Hey.
Congratulations.
How old are you now? Uh, 38.
- Forty's a-coming.
- Yeah.
Soon be dead, huh? Sure.
- Have you met Simon? - Hey.
Uh - Don't think so.
- I don't think we did, no, no.
Okay.
Simon's into bikes.
That's cool.
Cool.
That's cool.
Maxwell.
We don't kick.
No kicking.
Look at him.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Do you like motorcycles or just bikes? - Just bikes.
Cool.
- Tag! - Tyler, go on outside.
Sorry! - Sorry.
- Let me - I'll get that.
- Did he get it on you? Yeah, you just Don't worry.
Karl.
- Hey, Theo.
- I have not seen you in how long? However long, it feels longer.
Is Daisy parking the car? Oh, uh Me and Daisy, no, we're not together anymore.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
It's it's cool, really, we broke up, like, a year ago.
No clue.
He I'm not on Facebook, so I can be a dumbass about these things.
No.
Really, it's all good.
We're still friends.
Better friends, actually.
It's all very adult.
- Well, come in, come in.
- All right.
- Danny's out back.
- Okay.
We're not gonna punch, we're not gonna kick.
Okay? - I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.
Okay, go play, no fighting.
Goddamn it.
Come on.
Can't beat a little home cooking.
- Hey, man.
- What's going on? Oh, wow, handshake? What am I, like, infected or something? Fuck you.
Come on, get in here, man.
Ah, that's better, let it out, buddy, let it out.
You're still an asshole, I see.
Happy birthday.
Oh, wow.
When did you start using gift bags? The store did that.
You gonna open it? - Striking Vipers.
- X.
Striking Vipers X.
Newest installment.
Came out just yesterday.
I was in the store, I saw it and Oh, man.
This takes me back.
It says here you need one of those VR add-ons.
- I don't have one of those.
- Yes, you do.
- No.
- Eh No.
No, come on, man.
No.
It's your birthday, just take the damn thing, would you? Seriously, you gonna flip the fuck out.
I tried it out in the store.
They demoed it for me.
Five minutes blew my mind to confetti.
- Thanks, man.
- It's all good.
That your one? No, that's Maxwell.
Maxwell.
Guys, guys.
Tyler's friend from school.
- You want a beer, man? - Finally he saves me.
Yes.
Thank you.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I've been playing with Katie.
Theo, are we using the plastic cups? Theo's looking good.
Uh-huh.
Good to see at least one of you still has a gym membership.
Oh, really? Seriously, man.
You're walking around like a fucking Frankenstein movie.
Look, since my knee went, I haven't been able to work out, all right? I'm not using that as an excuse.
I'm just - No, no, no, of course not.
- Hey, fuck you, all right? I can afford to let things slide.
I'm settled.
I thank God I don't have to be out there on the dating scene.
Always on sale.
Fucking bullshit.
It is like a second job.
Gotta keep up with those younger dudes.
You gotta do a thousand crunches a day? - Only 50 each morning.
- Fifty in the morning? Mm-hmm.
You wax your ballsack? I'm sure as shit those young dudes do.
You wax your ball You nasty.
Till it's gleaming like an eight ball.
Just to stay in the game.
- I pity you, really.
- Yeah.
Well You wanna know where I'm going after I leave here? Shit, getting your taint waxed too? Meeting Mariella.
- Mariella.
- She does backing vocals.
What, for the school band? How old is she? Twenty-nine.
No, 28.
See.
Here she is again.
Yeah.
- You wanna share that with the class? - Mm-mm.
- You lucky man.
- I am, me.
What are you doing? What are you doing? - Tyler asleep? - Mm-hmm.
Had to read that damn Macaroo book again before he'd let me put out the light.
"Macaroo found a shoe" "And put it in a tree.
" Macaroo's got no respect for his environment, that's all I'm saying.
- I can do that.
- No, I'm fine.
Mm-mm.
It's your birthday, come on.
Thank you.
Okay.
You know, you should've told me that Karl and Daisy broke up.
- Did he say who broke up with who? - I didn't ask.
I always said that those two were not good news together.
So long since I saw him last.
Had to be last year's birthday, I think.
In the flesh, a whole year? Him and the girl on his phone, is that serious? I didn't ask.
Guys suck at talking.
How long have you two known each other? You don't actually get to talk at these things, though, do you? I mean, beyond surface bullshit.
Or parent talk.
There's a lot of that these days.
Y'all should hang out more.
Yeah, well, you know, work.
And we're parents.
He's downtown with the label and we're out here.
We should have him over for dinner.
You could make your chili.
Sure.
Flatware hazard warning.
You gotta put the knives in sharp edge down.
I know.
Check out the Rodman look on this guy.
How are you? Yeah? Rodman? Dennis Rodman.
- He used to be a ball player, right? - Right.
The hair.
Got it.
The app says we need to do it within the hour.
It's peak fertility.
I'm kind of beat but I guess that we should.
You not into it? I just ate so much, I don't know if I can.
- It's best to save it up, though, right? - Mm-hmm.
Mind if I go to sleep? No.
I love you, baby.
Love you, too.
Shit.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, you still awake? You wanna game? Maybe not tonight.
I was Come on, what are you playing? Something goddamn boring is what I'm guessing.
All right, you got me.
All right, so grab the experiencer disc I got you, put it on and jump in.
Seriously, man, it's insane.
You're gonna freak.
You're gonna shit your pelvis through your asshole.
- Okay.
What do I do? - All right, they showed me in the store.
- You put the game chip in.
- Done.
Now grab the disc doohickey and stick it upside your head.
- Left or right side? - Doesn't matter.
- Done.
- Okay.
Now hold down the sync button on the controller.
Nothing's happening.
We haven't chosen our fighters yet.
So, I am Roxette.
Okay, so where's my guy? - Lance.
- Damn.
All right, Lance, let's go.
Okay, you have to brace yourself.
Brace myself.
Come on.
- You ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
Three, two one.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
Whoa! This is crazy.
- What the fuck? - Yo, Danny.
Said you gotta brace yourself.
Karl? Crazy shit, huh? Like, I feel solid.
You think your chest is impressive? Check this shit out.
Whoo! - This is just - I know, right? How's the knee? Pretty good.
Man, in here, you can do so much shit you can't do out there.
Okay, enough of the Captain Acrobat shit.
- You ready to fight? - I'm ready.
Round one.
Fight.
Whoa.
Hold on a minute.
Is this going to hurt? "The game emulates all physical sensations.
" Is that a yes or a no? It does.
Peace out.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
Thunder punch.
Windmill wipe-out.
That the best you can do, man? Jesus Christ.
Don't worry, it resets.
No harm done.
That's messed up.
Round two.
- Hold on.
Shit, I'm rusty.
- Fight.
I can't remember what moves this guy can do.
It's like riding a bike.
- See? Nice block.
- Thanks.
Hyperstrike! That's double.
Tornado fury.
The leg, the leg, the leg, the leg.
No.
No.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
How do I get out of here? How do I get out of here? Exit game.
Exit Exit game! Oh, shit.
Holy shit.
Hello.
Where did he come from? That's my cab.
- Good night, little man.
- Good night.
- Take care of Daddy for me, okay? - Okay.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not sure when I'll be back.
Depends on traffic, I guess.
Have fun, okay? Battle stations.
Battle stations.
" his shoe and put it in a tree.
" Very good.
"The shiny side made a slide.
He slid down happily.
" "He fixed the leaves" Game over.
Hey, there.
Hey.
I can't play long, I Oh, sure, me too.
Look Last time we played, I was drunk, man, from the party.
Me, too.
Cool.
Okay.
Be good to have a serious game, you know? Serious game.
Serious game.
Here we go.
About to kick your ass, motherfucker.
Yeah? You're gonna try.
Round one.
Fight.
- Come on, come on! Please, please! - Stop it! No! I'm going.
Can you hear me? Yes.
Can you hear me now? You're the driver, right? Yeah, I'm outside of the Taphouse.
Taphouse.
So, guess that's us gay now.
That's a joke.
Huh.
Don't feel like a gay thing.
- What is it? - Jesus.
Exit game.
What? You're supposed to be in bed.
I'm thirsty.
You're thirsty? - You finished? - Yes.
Yes what? - Yes, thank you.
- Go ahead.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey there, little man.
- Looks like you can use one of these.
- Mm-hmm.
Feels like a dog died in my damn head.
You weren't supposed to drink.
I figured my period was late.
And I hoped it was.
And then it came on while I was out, so.
I just said fuck it.
I'm sorry.
Next time.
Nose kiss.
Please rinse dishes before program start.
Round one.
Fight.
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm just tired, okay? Okay, I know when you're thinking.
What's up? How does it feel? I mean, like, for you, being in a woman's body while Crazy.
It's crazy.
I mean, it's different.
Like the physical feeling of it? It's more sort of satisfying.
I can't really explain it.
Like, one's a guitar solo, the other's a whole fucking orchestra.
But the tune's basically the same.
Different tempos, though.
Yeah, I think you've run that analogy to the ground.
Fuck you.
I'd like you to push my feet down.
Listen here, mister.
Listen here.
Shit.
While I'm alone and blue as can be Dream a little dream of me Stars fading - Hey.
- Hi.
Can I, uh Should I not? I was just gonna ask if I could buy you a drink.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
- No, seriously.
- Seriously.
I'll leave you alone.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry.
Hey.
- It's all good? - It was great, thank you.
Your dessert's on the way.
That was good.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You know the thing about you? Sometimes you just sort of go away.
- What do you mean? - I mean, you shrivel away.
You go inside.
Leave me on the outside.
Are you in there? Of course I am.
Okay.
So then, what's up? Nothing.
We haven't done it in weeks.
I've been tired.
- We're meant to be trying again.
- We are trying again.
No.
Won't get pregnant if you don't fuck me, Danny.
Jesus.
It's not that I don't want to.
I said I've been tired.
I'm sorry but is something going on? Something going on? That's what I said.
Nothing is going on.
Then what is it? - Is it me? - No.
- You don't touch me anymore.
- Theo.
You don't even kiss me.
There is none of the small stuff.
Squeeze my shoulder.
A hand on my back as you pass me in the kitchen.
- Theo.
- Not even that.
Do you want me any more? I'll always want you.
No.
You know what I mean, I mean, me.
This.
This.
I know that I'm not what I was.
My body is not what it was since Tyler.
Don't say that.
Are you seeing someone? No.
No.
So why don't you want me? You always used to want me.
It's boring, I get that.
Family life? Shit, I find it boring.
But I am loyal.
I'm loyal to our family.
I'm loyal to you.
God knows if I wanted, I could go out and do whatever.
You think I haven't made sacrifices? I haven't denied things for myself? There was a guy at the bar earlier tried hitting on me.
Half of me wanted him to, just for some excitement, some fucking passion.
But that is what you do.
It's part of being in a partnership, you shut the door on all that shit.
You shut it out because you have committed.
It's what a commitment is.
Oh, God.
If something's going on, I just I just want to know.
I'll deal with it how I deal with it.
I just have to know.
Nothing is going on.
I promise.
I swear.
One chocolate bombe.
And two spoons.
Enjoy.
That's it.
That's good.
Sorry.
I'm not gonna get there.
You're worrying about your work again? I think so.
Okay.
Mind if I finish myself off? Mm.
Hold on.
Excuse me, I gotta take this.
Hello.
Hey.
Whoa, what do you mean? It means I can't do it anymore.
It's not fair to Theo.
But it's not cheating.
It's not real.
It's like porn or something.
Come on, man, you know it ain't right.
- I gotta think of Theo.
- Okay.
But we don't have to completely cut it off.
What about, like, first Sunday of each month? - No.
- Just now and then.
Karl, it has to stop.
Clean break.
Come on.
This is good.
This is good.
You know it is.
Look, I gotta go.
- I'm sorry.
- Danny.
- Goodbye.
- Danny.
I gotta get past you, you ready? Go.
All right.
You win.
And he is down.
- Macaroo found that shoe again, huh? - And put it in a tree.
Happy birthday.
- Oh! - Sorry it's not much.
I couldn't get out.
It's exactly what I wanted.
Thank you.
That smells good.
It's the sort of red-meat caveman food you like.
- Yeah.
That's a hell of a serving size.
- Yeah.
You having your hunger pangs again? - There's three of us eating tonight.
- I know, that's what I said.
I mean, three adults.
I invited Karl over.
Surprise.
Karl? Yeah, well, last year you said you hardly got to see him.
You didn't get to speak to him at that barbecue we had.
So I emailed him last week.
And what did he say? He said he was looking forward to it.
Speak of the devil.
Oh, my God, you remember that crazy dude that lived downstairs when we were at Madeley? He used to bang on the ceiling when we played the music.
He had a point, though, because we were loud.
Mm-hmm.
Baby, you remember the time that you got that molly and you insisted that we all take it? I had to go to work the next day.
Lord.
We were young, I guess.
Well.
Hennessey and dessert is as crazy as it gets now.
Speaking of dessert, it's almost ready.
What the fuck are you doing? - Just eating.
- That's not what I mean, okay? Why the fuck did you come? She asked me to come.
What do you want me to say? - An excuse.
- Such as what? Such as anything.
What am I? Your ex-wife or something? Look, it's too strange, okay? It's just too fucking strange.
I'll tell you what's strange.
Nothing matches it, does it? I tried replacing it, man.
I tried.
I tried fucking the computer-controlled characters.
- It's bullshit.
- Shut up.
It's like a rubber doll.
Not programmed for any sex stuff.
They just sort of lie there.
I tried it with real players.
Other folks controlling Lance.
There was this one guy from Holland.
He was kind of halfway okay as long as I didn't think about this accent.
But it didn't get me.
It didn't get me, not like when we're in there.
You and me.
Stop it.
I tried everything.
I've gone in there as guy players, girl players, multi-player gangbangs, you name it.
You know, I even fucked Tundra, the polar bear character.
I fucked a polar bear and I still couldn't get you out of my mind.
I can't help you.
You want to fuck Roxi again.
- I don't.
- You do.
- Just - The best sex of my life.
Best of yours too.
Fucking transcendent.
You know it was.
Think about it.
Think about her.
Roxi.
Holding her, her warm skin against yours.
- Please.
- Her tight wet pussy.
- Fuck, man.
- She'll be in there at midnight.
Just come on in one last time.
You know you want to.
One last time.
What y'all doing? - Bullshit.
- Bullshit, yeah.
That looks good.
Baby, your plate.
- Is that your tiramisu? - Mm-hmm.
You know it.
World famous.
Good to see you.
Happy birthday, man.
It was good to see you.
Yeah, you, too.
Lord, hug each other.
Guys can be so awkward.
Midnight.
- Bye.
- Good night.
I love this.
I love you.
No.
No.
No.
No! - I don't know where that came from.
- Where the fuck does this go? You're feeling it, too.
Just say it.
Say it.
What the fuck do you want? Where does this end? Who says it has to end? Huh? - You remember the Year Club? - Danny.
The old club, the Year.
Of course I do, why? Car lot out back.
Meet me there in 30 minutes.
Exit game.
- Okay.
- We're not gonna fight.
We're gonna kiss.
Kiss? Like kiss.
It's the only way.
We gotta know.
Know If there are fireworks, then, okay, bam, it's an "us" thing, whatever.
At least we've got a foothold on it.
So let's just fucking kiss.
Okay.
I said okay.
I'm working up to it.
- You want me to start? - I don't know.
Yeah.
Okay.
You ready? Just fucking kiss me, man.
Nope.
Not a damn thing.
No, me neither.
Huh.
So that settles it.
You know it's different in the game.
No.
You got to get that shit out of your head.
- It ain't coming out.
- No.
- It's burrowed right in there.
- No, fuck you.
Burrowed right in there, man.
- I know it, you know it.
- Hey.
Hey.
It's buried in there, huh? - Maybe we can get rid of it like that.
- Don't push me, man.
- Oh, you a big man? What you gonna do? - Don't push me.
What you gonna do? Okay.
Stop.
Stop! Stop! My husband's here.
Danny, Daniel Parker.
Daniel Parker.
Yeah.
I knew y'all were mad at each other over dinner.
So, what were you fighting about? Hello? Holy fuck! Talk to me.
You guys, bring the kids in.
Hey.
You guys make great babies.
- Ours look like a mile of bad road.
- What? I wish I was a baby-sitter.
Happy birthday.
I want that back in the morning.
Ditto.
- You ready? - I'm ready.