Boston Legal s05e01 Episode Script

Previously on Boston Legal.
Did you know that Shirley Schmidt has a cheerleading costume? - Sometimes, she puts it on.
- Complete with pom-poms.
I would dress up and stand in front of the mirror in the little skirt, the white socks, the sweater.
It somehow made me feel better.
- Can you imagine Shirley doing a little cheer? - Oh, my God! - Denny, I got in! I'm in the Coast Guard! - What? - Am I in? - I don't know.
Did you get a letter? - I'm in! - [Laughing Hysterically.]
[Together.]
We're in the Coast Guard! [Both Scream.]
[Man.]
Over there, over there Send the word, send the word over there That the Yanks are coming The Yanks are coming The drums rum-tumming everywhere - Twenty degrees starboard.
- Is that left or right? - I mean port.
Go port.
Go- - Hey, I'm the captain! Will you be quiet! It's right in front of us.
Geez.
[Hip-hop On Stereo.]
[Siren Wailing.]
[Alan On Bullhorn.]
United States Coast Guard coming aboard.
Nobody move.
You're all persons of interest.
- Who's in charge of this event? - I am.
- Do you have a permit, ma'am? - For what? Right to assemble at sea is strictly forbidden without written and express authorization - from the United States Coast Guard.
- What? Sorry, ma'am.
We're in a war.
But, lucky for you and perhaps me later, I am the Coast Guard.
I'm gonna let it go this one time.
But I'm going to have to make a thorough inspection of your floatation devices.
- Brand-new.
- Well done.
Okay, Denny.
The situation is- How did you possibly get out of your clothes so fast? Semper paratus, my friend.
"Always prepared.
" Coast Guard motto.
And so it begins.
- [Funk.]
- [Man Vocalizing.]
[Man.]
Uh-huh - All right - Boom.
Come on [Lips Pop.]
Come on All right Well, yeah Well, yeah Outlaw Bethany.
Yeah.
For the last seven years, I've basically had one case that's consumed me.
It's against A.
B.
Curtis, the tobacco company.
And how's the family? These people have dragged me through discovery.
They've exhausted my client's money, my money.
They practically killed my client's doctor.
- He's dead, Alan.
- He was a smoker? No.
But he was in his 70s.
They deposed him 13 times.
He died over the weekend just as we were about to go to trial no doubt from the stress of it all.
Now I don't have a doctor to testify.
I'll have to get a continuance, which they'll then turn into 10 more continuances while they depose my new doctor 13 more times.
I can't do it.
I'm licked.
Nobody successfully sues a tobacco company.
Even if you beat them at trial, they just appeal.
Law firms go bankrupt trying to climb that hill.
You know how I feel about money, especially when it's yours.
I must say I echo Shirley's sentiment.
I do.
I do.
Tobacco companies specialize in two things.
One, getting people addicted to cigarettes and two, prolonging and protracting pretrial litigation.
I tell you, they simply make cases too burdensome, even for big firms like us.
Certainly more than could be handled by your average dwarf.
[Carl.]
I, too, am against taking on the tobacco company and the firm absolutely forbids you from taking it.
Katie, Jerry, give Alan whatever help he needs.
- Best of luck.
- Thank you.
Denny, I could also use your help - if you're up for joining.
- Yeah, whatever.
- [Elevator Bell Dings.]
- [Reporters Shouting Questions.]
No comment.
Nothing to say.
Step aside, please.
No comment.
Lawyer coming through.
Handicapped! Out of my way! Phoebe.
Alan.
Are you joining as cocounsel? - Yes.
- Excellent.
Still married with, uh- What is it they're called? Children.
- Right.
- All rise.
the Estate of Michael Rhodes versus A.
B.
Curtis Tobacco Corporation.
The complainant alleging the civil cause of wrongful death.
This court is now in session.
The honorable Milton Brody presiding.
Be seated.
Okay.
Both sides stand ready? Well, actually, Your Honor, the defense would be requesting more time.
The plaintiffhas added a witness to its list whom we've not had the opportunity to depose, therefore- The witness, Your Honor, is a doctor who will only be testifying as to cause of death.
We are forced to call him because the doctor we had planned to call who has been called again and again and again died this past weekend after being deposed harassed and intimidated relentlessly for the last seven of his 77 years.
The fact is my, uh- The defense has employed a plethora of tactics to delay and delay and delay.
I'm curious.
Do you have any ideas that speed things up? Well, surrender works quite well.
And I do know how you love to wave a white flag.
- Objection! - All right, all right.
[Judge Brody.]
Ms.
Prentice, I will give you a night- one night to review the new witnesses that have been added to the plaintiff's list.
We will begin at 10::00 a.
m.
Tomorrow.
Adjourned.
You know- Once the cancer had metastasized it became about managing his pain, which was extreme.
Mr.
Rhodes told you that he chose to smoke.
Am I right, Doctor? Why? Does that make it hurt less? I'd like to know.
- May I continue? - Please.
There were many other cancer-causing agents - that Mr.
Rhodes was exposed to, right? - I'm sorry.
Is that going to be your strategy- that something else killed him? [Sighs.]
We can suspend this right now, Alan and go see the judge if this is all too much for you to handle.
- Don't flatter yourself.
- Well, I wasn't talking about me.
Funny that you are.
Something on your heart you'd like to share with the rest of the group? I'm sorry.
- I meant to say "On your mind.
" - Stop it.
- [Lips Popping.]
You two can get a room after the trial.
Uh, was an autopsy ever performed, Doctor? - We didn't need an autopsy to know what killed him.
- No autopsy.
- [Scoffs.]
- Are you kidding? - Miss Rhodes- - My father smoked for 50 years.
He died of lung cancer.
Do you really mean to suggest- - Ma'am, I need to- - Have you ever watched a person rot to death? Alan, maybe you can contain your client's emotions, if not your own.
What happened to you? All right, I'm done.
If you plan to march into that courtroom and ask for a continuance- No.
I got what I need.
Did you? - Thank you.
- [Pops.]
Is that how you plan to try this case? Don't start with me, Denny, all right? Do you have any idea how many people die every day from cigarettes? Oh, please.
What else is new? - Tobacco kills.
Big deal.
- Did you just say "big deal"? - Well, it's old news.
- First of all, it's not just old news.
It's absolutely current.
The tobacco industry is more powerful today- It's boring! What, have we all just been desensitized? Smoking kills.
Whatever.
We've all just gone numb.
Why'd you say that? Who told you I went numb? - Who said that? - What are you talking about? You damn well- - Did she call you? - Denny, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.
So why don't you tell me.
You have been in a bad mood all day.
What is up? Nothing's up.
That's the problem.
My junk doesn't work.
I beg your pardon? I went back to the captain's quarters with one of the girls from the hot tub.
- My junk failed me.
- Oh.
- I'm done, Alan.
- D-Denny- I wish I were dead.
I'd have made a better showing with rigor mortis.
- Dead.
Done.
It's over.
- Denny, it happens to every guy.
- Has it happened to you? - Once.
Shh, shh, shh, shh! - Hello.
- Hello.
How'd the deposition go? Fine.
Why? There are rumors you were horrendous.
Alan, I'm happy to support your latest tilt at the windmill.
But we know one never really beats the tobacco industry, right? And if opportunity for settlement does come, we will take it, won't we? It's receded! Like a turtle too ashamed to come out of its shell.
What? Shirley, could I, uh, steal you for a second? It's about my penis.
[Clears Throat.]
It's depressed.
- L- I don't wanna involve you, but- - Don't even go there.
Okay.
Okay.
Would you at least put on the cheerleader costume for me? Because- Sorry.
Have you tried jumper cables? You think this is funny? Okay.
Would you loan me the cheerleading costume? - Denny- - Give me a hand here, will you, Carl? - Two witnesses total? - Bethany- I have spent seven years preparing more than 50 experts.
Bethany, if we let this turn into a science class- We have to prove addiction.
We have to show that- - You asked me to try this case.
So let me- - Two? I want to rest as close as I can to the emotion of the client's test- - Where did she go? - She left.
I must say, Alan, two witnesses seems a bit bonkers.
I hope- I hope you haven't gone mad.
Katie, one problem we have concerning trust.
You and I haven't really had a life together yet.
Still harassing the younger associates? So nice to see you haven't changed.
Why are you here? Well, I come in peace.
- 140,000.
- [Scoffs.]
For a death? It's all we're offering.
It's all you could hope to get since we'll appeal any verdict.
And why drag this out beyond a time we're still attracted to each other? [Gulps.]
I'm not attracted to you now.
Fine.
Let's go with that.
When I knew him, he was mad, by the way.
I think I'll be going.
I have done hundreds of these cases and they all come out the same way.
So why stress yourself, Alan? It's not healthy.
You'd be better off taking up smoking.
You know, the thing is, Phoebe, you look the same you smell the same.
Mmm.
My, you even taste the same.
But we both know you've changed, don't we? I mean, when we were together the very idea of either of us doing battle for Big Tobacco an industry which systematically kills people- I hope they give you a lot of money because then, of course, it would be worth it.
Mmm.
And here you are at Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
I don't need to apologize for myself.
No.
Not when it's easier to just walk out the door.
- I didn't walk- - Yes, you did.
Yes, you did.
You know what? I think that you have changed, Alan.
Your eyes look deadened.
They say that a man's passion is the first thing to die as he ages.
So I suppose that should make it easier for me to be around you because it was your passion that I so fell in love with.
Your offer is rejected.
So you can leave now.
Okay, Alan.
We'll be seeing you then.
- They're here.
- [Reporters Shouting Questions.]
He first started smoking cigarettes when he was 11.
He smoked the defendant's brand? - Mainly that brand, yes.
- And your father smoked cigarettes for how long? - Over 50 years.
- Maureen, at some point your father certainly had to know that smoking causes cancer.
He tried to quit so many times.
He was desperate to quit, but he was addicted.
Sometimes he could go months without.
But he'd always start up again.
He just couldn't- [Woman Moaning.]
Oh, baby.
Oh! That feels so good.
Don't stop.
- Oh! [Moaning Stops.]
- Hello? - Denny! - It's my doctor.
- I don't care.
- Shh.
- I did that, but it still doesn't work.
- Get off the phone now.
I gotta get off the phone now.
What? I'm sorry.
And at some point, your father did get lung cancer? Eleven years ago.
He fought it.
He- He had one lung removed.
He did everything that- But, um, eventually it went to his brain.
In the end, it was a miserable excruciating death.
Maureen, in fairness the dangers of smoking have been well known for some time by everybody including your father.
That fact only made it worse.
I had to watch my father do something over and over all day, every day that he knew would eventually kill him, and he just couldn't stop.
He was addicted.
Since childhood, terribly addicted.
You don't keep doing that to yourself for no reason.
You do it because you physically can't stop.
She has no foundation to give medical or sci- He was my father! That's my foundation.
It wasn't just physical.
He suffered the shame of being an addict.
And even if you're heartless enough to think "Well, he signed on for this," I never signed up for it.
I'm sorry if I sound selfish, but I never said "Sure.
I'll watch my father go through that agony.
" My children never agreed they'd lose their grandpa the way- There was so much pain- so much pain to so many people who never signed up for it.
First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss.
Losing a family member to cancer is- Is this the first time? Um, no, actually.
- So cancer runs in your family? - Objection.
Your Honor, there has been a recent medical study that found that there is a common genetic variant that actually doubles the risk oflung cancer.
- It can run in the family.
- Oh, yes.
It was just a big coincidence that he smoked.
- Was your father ever tested for this genetic variant? - No.
I understand that your father worked in a paper mill, which since- - Are you kidding? - Mr.
Shore.
[Woman Moaning.]
Oh, baby.
Oh! That feels so good.
Don't stop.
[Moaning Stops.]
Um, Miss Rhodes how many houses do you think your father lived in during his lifetime? I'm not sure.
Maybe six or seven.
Did any of them contain asbestos? L-I don't really know.
Perhaps.
What about arsenic or silica or chromium? Were any ofhis houses tested for any of these substances? All of which can cause lung cancer, if you wonder why I ask.
I don't know if they were tested for those substances.
- What about radon? - Radon? [Phoebe.]
Yes, radon.
It's a gas.
It comes from rocks and dirt.
It gets trapped in houses and buildings.
It's quite common, actually.
Odorless, colorless, and it also causes lung cancer.
Were any of your father's homes ever tested for radon? Not to my knowledge.
[Phoebe.]
I see.
Thank you.
And again my deepest condolences for your loss.
[Elevator Bell Dings.]
How'd it go? Okay.
- Hey! Hey! You're hurting me! - What the hell was that with the phone? My doctor's idea.
He thought it might stimulate- For God's sake, Denny! I'm in the middle of a trial! I tried putting it on vibrate, but it wasn't the same- I asked you to be part of this case because I could use your help! - This is the tobacco industry we're up against! - I know that.
It is near impossible to beat them.
And my odds do not improve by my cocounsel's phone chirping "Ooh, baby, baby" - while I'm trying to cross-examine a witness! - It was a medical emergency! Medical emergency? Because you couldn't get it up in a hot tub? - Hey, hey, hey! Don't attack me- - Not everything in life takes- - 'cause you're getting your ass kicked by your ex-girlfriend.
- A backseat to your sex life.
- All I did was accept a call- as sophomoric as you're determined to be- Forgive me for expecting a little sympathy! - Sympathy? My client's father is dead! - Here I am! I'm struggling! - I turn to my best friend- - You want sympathy because your penis failed! - I'm not getting into this.
- I'm just trying to get an erection! - Who knows? Maybe it's the mad cow.
- [Gasps.]
- I'm sure it's not that.
- What if it is? - My penis has Alzheimer's.
- No, Denny.
You just had an off day.
You said it happened to you once.
What were the circumstances? - It was with her, actually.
Phoebe.
- What happened? I was in love with her.
Oh.
That'll kill the moment.
And she loved me.
Just not enough.
I mean, no relationship is ever quite even.
There's always an imbalance of sorts.
One person loves or is in love just a little more than the other, but- I just couldn't handle being- So I left.
Maybe it's not too late.
She's happily married with children.
Oh.
It's too late.
And personally, I take great offense at constantly being vilified.
Well, tobacco companies do make forjuicy targets.
[Man.]
Well, let me tell you something.
Car manufacturers make products that kill if you want to look at vehicular fatality statistics.
Alcohol? Forget it.
But we also do some good along the way.
- Nobody wants to talk about that.
- Oh, please.
What good? How about this? We spend billions of dollars in antismoking campaigns and youth prevention efforts.
How many industries actually spend money to discourage people from buying their product? That is an unprecedented display of corporate conscience.
In fairness, you might have mentioned the American Journal of Public Health study that found teens who watch antismoking ads aimed at young people were actually 36% more likely to smoke.
I don't agree with their findings.
[Jerry.]
I bet you also disagree with the numerous public health advocates who've called for a ban on all youth antismoking campaigns funded by the tobacco industries charging they employ insidious reverse psychology deliberately designed to get teens to smoke.
- [Man.]
Well, there again is- - Like cigarettes flavored with chocolate, strawberry and candy spices to lure children.
- We don't do that anymore- - Because it was finally outlawed.
At which point you turned your focus to menthol, which is neat since- - Menthol is legal.
- And profitable since it's the cigarette of choice for 75% of African-Americans.
- Look- - Look at what? Your product even when used as directed, kills one third to one half of its consumers.
In fact, cigarettes kill more than car accidents, homicides suicides, AIDS and drugs combined.
One death every six seconds.
Sojust during your testimony another 50 or 60 people have choked out.
- Your company murders people, Mr.
Buttram.
- Objection, Your Honor.
Sustained.
Mr.
Espenson, emotion has no play here.
And unless you can ask questions, we're moving on.
Oh, get a grip, Judge.
Sorry.
[Man.]
Doctor, my woman Is coming back home late today Could you maybe give me something 'Cause the feeling is gone And I must get it back right away - Before she sees - [Indistinct.]
That I've been up, down Trying to get the feeling again The one that made me shiver Made my knees start to quiver Every time she walked in - And I've looked high - High - Low - Low - Everywhere I possibly can - High - But there's no trying to get the feeling again - Low It seemed to disappear As fast as it came And I've been lookin' I've been lookin', I've been lookin' - I've been up - Up - And down - Down And trying to get the feeling All yours.
- Excuse me? - I said the witness is all yours.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank you.
Were you delusional? Not delusional so much as- I don't know.
Like I was in another universe all of a sudden.
Somewhere on cable.
There's only one explanation.
You're still in love with her.
[Chuckles.]
No.
No, I'm just reminded of what it felt like to love her.
She said that my eyes- that the fire was gone and that passion is the first thing to go, and- That's been one of my greatest fears, Denny as I get older.
"Deadened" was the word she used.
[Chuckles.]
Deadened.
You in the eyes, me in the junk.
On top of it, I'm losing.
I think I made a huge mistake not putting up more witnesses.
She just put up a mountain of expert testimony.
Alan, when you step up to do your closings, you're anything but dead.
She hasn't got a taste of your case yet.
She has no idea of how undead you become in that courtroom.
- A masterpiece of nature.
- Come on.
She's not that hot.
I wasn't talking about her.
Denny, I need to go work on my closing.
I'm very confused.
[Phoebe.]
As I said, tobacco companies do make for easy targets.
And I am sure that there is a part of you that wants to get them.
So if you find that my client caused the death of Mr.
Rhodes then by all means, return with a judgment for the plaintiff.
But you simply can't make that finding here.
Yes, he smoked.
His daughter says that it was mostly my client's brand.
But we have no substantiation of that.
And while cigarettes may be the most probable culprit no autopsy was ever done.
He wants you to decide this on emotion.
But as Judge Brody has already instructed emotion has no play here.
This is a court oflaw.
And as such I will ask that you rule on the evidence.
After all, you did take an oath to do exactly that.
[Sheep Bleating.]
[Bleating Continues.]
[Bleating Continues, Stops.]
Michael Rhodes smoked cigarettes for 50 years got lung cancer, and died.
We all know what happened here.
We also all know this death.
Everybody in this room knows somebody who has fought this same battle and died this agonizing, brutal, excruc- But emotion has no play here.
Michael Rhodes was 11 years old when he started smoking.
It was 1948.
At that time, there was no known risk.
And even if there were at 11, he certainly lacked the capacity to assume it.
And after that, he was addicted.
They manufacture them to be addictive.
In just the last few years, they've increased the amount of nicotine in the average cigarette by 11.
6% to make them even more addictive.
Recently, we learned that tobacco companies have been adding an ammonia-based compound to cigarettes for years to increase absorption of nicotine.
It's basically the same principle used in crack cocaine.
And let's look at the obscene strategy they've employed here.
"Smoking may cause cancer "but it didn't cause this particular cancer.
It wasn't our cigarettes.
Or, it was genetic or asbestos or a paper mill.
" Never do they take responsibility ever! And God forbid, if you sue them, they'll bury you and your lawyer.
They might even depose your doctor to death for good measure.
All their insidious methods and cunning corporate tactics aren't just history.
It's what they continue to do now, today.
Because the tobacco industry is like a nest of cockroaches.
- They will always find a way to survive.
- Objection.
They still go after kids with one strategy after another.
They put up brightly-colored ads at kids' eye level in convenience stores.
They hire gorgeous twentysomethings to frequent popular venues and seduce young adults into attending lavish corporate-sponsored parties.
Cockroaches will always find a way.
They can't advertise on TV, but they've hired P.
R.
Agencies to hook them up with the film industry, and it's worked.
Researchers estimate that smoking in movies delivers nearly 400,000 new adolescent smokers every year.
Every time you try to kill the cockroach, it finds another way.
It has to, because when you make a product that kills off your consumers you have to find a way to recruit new customers.
They've now got a new feminized version of the macho Camel brand using slogans like "light" and "luscious" with hot-pink packaging.
Virginia Slims advertised their "thin" cigarette.
Allure magazine did a whole spread on the cigarette diet.
They use social and psychological profiling targeting potential smokers by gender, ethnicity sexual preference, socioeconomic groups.
Cockroaches don't discriminate.
Their C.
E.
O.
Comes into this courtroom gloating over their antismoking campaign which is designed to get kids to smoke! In 2005, they spent more than 15 billion on advertising and promotion.
That's a 225% increase from 1998.
And they have the audacity to declare they're trying to discourage smoking! This is not how corporations with a conscience behave.
How in God's name are cigarettes even legal? Can anybody tell me that? They are a deadly concoction of carcinogens that damage every single organ in your body.
Why do we not ban them? Because it's a free country.
Because freedom of choice is an American ideal worth somebody dying every six seconds? How can any company, especially one with such a conscience no less knowingly manufacture a product that poisons its users and make that product look cool and hip and sexy and fun so they can get children? How can any attorney defend a company that would do such a thing? And how can any society tolerate it? But we do! There is no conscience at Big Tobacco.
There is no conscience in Washington which has been bought and paid for by this industry.
Conscience has to come from you, the jury.
If real regulation is to happen it has to come from you.
People are smoking day after day after day, and dying and dying and dying and the tobacco companies keep getting richer and richer.
Last year alone, they made $12 billion in profits.
How can that be? How can that be? What? How about we win, you come back to my place get in the hot tub naked, and I'll bob for ya? - That's a pass.
- [Knocking.]
Alan, my client has expressed an interest in working this out.
- That's a pass too.
- Don't you want to hear a number? - I don't need to hear your number.
- Excuse me.
- Jury has a verdict.
- Already? Let's go hear their number.
Maybe we should at least listen to what they have to say.
- It's not too late.
- Yes, it is, for them.
- Bethany- - Mr.
Foreman, the jury has reached a verdict? - We have, Your Honor.
- What say you? In the matter of Rhodes versus A.
B.
Curtis Tobacco Company on the count of wrongful death, we find in favor - of the plaintiff.
- Hot damn! And we order the defendant to pay compensatory damages in the amount of $600,000.
We further order the defendant to pay punitive damages in the amount of $213 million.
What? - Defense moves for a judgment notwithstanding the verdict.
- [Lips Popping.]
- Denied.
- Defense moves to set aside the award as excessive.
- Denied.
- We appeal.
So noted.
Members of the jury, this completes your service.
The court dismisses you with their thanks.
- And we are adjourned.
- [Gavel Raps.]
You gotta feel like getting naked now.
Mr.
Shore.
- I don't know what to say.
- Neither do I.
Alan, thank you so, so much.
Alan, um, a second, please? In private? Well.
Congratulations.
Obviously, we'll be fighting this.
It'll be years and years before this thing is remotely over.
I've got time.
It's not as if I'm dying or anything.
No.
You're quite not.
Well, I, um- I don't do appellate work.
So I'll be passing this on to another lawyer, so- I guess this is good-bye then.
Yes.
Well.
Good-bye, Alan.
Good-bye.
Still have me.
It's not quite the same.
But you know what, Denny? Sometimes it comes remarkably close.
What you said to me about being undead in the courtroom it- It's not lost on me how lucky I am to have somebody in my life who can- I don't know what I'd do without you.
Ah.
You know, as much as I hate cigarettes, I so miss the cigarette break.
The little respite where coworkers would go outside and be communal discuss the trivial annoyances and affections in their lives.
It always turned out to be anything but trivial.
And to think I might not even know you but for the fact that we both like to smoke these smelly cancer sticks that can only be smoked outside.
Hmm.
That would be a tragedy.
I especially can't imagine being alone now when my junk has Alzheimer's.
- Denny- - Well, it's a symptom.
You said so yourself.
It figures.
For me, it would be the first thing to go.
- What's that? - What? Oh.
I didn't see it.
Ooh.
Is that the- It- - No- - See ya.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! At least let me see it! Oh, my.
It's a two-piece, Denny.
A share toy.
- Forget it.
- Come on! - It was a gift to me.
- You take top, I'll take bottom.
Not a chance- Ooh.
- What? - I'm cured.
I'm back! I'm gone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Why not savor this moment? At my age, I'm lucky to last a moment.
You take the top, I'll take the bottom.
Tomorrow, we'll switch off.
It'll be just like the three-way you've always wanted.
- I never wanted you as part of the three.
- Denny.
I have never asked you for anything.
I am your best friend.
- Oh, Alan! - How can you possibly be so selfish and cruel? - Don't ruin it.
- Oh, my God.
- See ya.
- What's your rush? Slow down.
Treat her right.
Romance her a little.
At least dance with her first.
Dance.
- [Chuckles.]
- Hold her.
Drink her in.
Cherish her.
- [Man.]
"L" - Ooh! Is for the way you look at me - "O"is for - This is magic.
- The only one I see - It's fantastic.
- "V"is very, very - God, are we weird? - So weird.
- Extraordinary "E"is even more Than anyone that you adore can Love was made for me and you [Woman.]
You stinker!