Californication s05e01 Episode Script

Previously on Californication If you were gonna have sex with someone and you knew that it would be the absolute last time, - what do you think it would be like? - Incredibly sad.
Make me sad.
Who the fuck are you? Stu Baggs, nice to meet you.
- I met the wife.
- Soon, to be ex.
Splitsville.
So you wouldn't mind if I took a crack at her? - You know how many women I slept with? - Unh-uh I gotta get it up to a 100.
Triple digits.
Then I can die happy.
- I'm pregnant.
- I'm gonna be a father! I'm carrying Charlie's baby.
- What? - What the fuck? You know what I think, Dad? I think it's all gonna be okay.
Chapters end.
Sometimes you gotta shake things up.
Check out of this dump.
Go home.
Season 5 Episode 01 JFK to LAX Amazing.
A goddess.
A gift from on high.
You deserve the white dress and a happy ending.
Are we gonna take this thing to the next level or what? Uh? What? - We are coming up on the Internet.
- Really? - Time certainly doth fly.
- We kept it pretty cas.
I've been pretty careful about making sure I don't make any demands on your time.
- I Don't want to be that girl.
- Oh you've been a great "not-that-girl".
I just want to know what you see us becoming eventually.
I see us becoming incredibly close.
Great friends eventually.
After the part where you hate my guts for a long, cold winter.
It's not that I'm not fond of you.
I am.
Inordinately so.
It's just that I enjoy the casual nature of things.
I'm a casual guy.
You know, I have to be because I'm damaged, broken, really.
You know, old dog, new tricks.
But you - you're amazing.
A goddess.
A gift from on high.
You deserve the white dress and the happy ending.
I'm just not the guy to give it to you.
I see you're mad.
I can tell.
I'm not mad.
You're not? Oh, I'm glad.
It's just you fucked me in the ass, Hank.
Oh, are we speaking metaphorically? Because No, I gave up the butt for you.
Do you think I would have let you sodomize me if I didn't think there was a future here? You did say that you liked it more than you thought you would.
- Well that's not the point.
- That's not the point.
This man's a monster.
He likes to fuck women in the ass and then tell them that he just wants to keep it casual.
Who callin' my phone? It's yo agent.
Calling from the coast with the prospect of a significant payday.
- I'll take it.
- Don't you wanna know what it is? No.
Can you book me out on the nextest flight to this coast of which you speak? Oh-oh.
What happened? What did you do? I've got kind of a bunny boiler situation happening.
She's got a key to my place.
I may need to crash on the villa for a few days.
Is that cool? Hey, mi casa, amigo.
I'll even pick you up at the airport.
Thanks, Runks.
Much appresh.
I'm looking forward to it buddy.
I've missed yo' black ass.
Later, masturbator.
Oh shit.
Did I just do what I think I just did? Yes.
- You did.
- I am so truly madly deeply sorry.
I know and that doesn't change the fact that I now have a puddle in my lap.
One could argue that it's not entirely my fault that you force grown men to make huge puddles in your lap.
- I'm not laughing.
- Sure you are.
Little bit? On the inside, maybe? Okay I have it, thanks.
- Man, what are the odds? - Of what? Usually, I get on the plane and I'm seated next to John Candy or Ruth Gordon, if I'm lucky.
But I end up next to the most beautiful woman in the tri-state area, and I go and spill a drink in her lap.
Nice work, huh? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
The tri-state area? You're world class, you're runway caliber.
You're so beautiful you're almost ugly.
I just didn't want it to go into your head.
Hank.
That's me, sorry.
Well you better be, pal.
- Oh God.
I'm sorry.
- No no no, hold on hold on a second.
Can't you just take her seat? If the ticket says 2A, then 2A is where I'm parking my posterior.
Real stickler for the rules, this guy.
That's how we keep the trains running on time.
Choo choo.
- Nice to meet you, Hank.
- Bye, Miss never got your name.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
I have got to get this under control.
I'm almost too fat to fly.
- Want some? - No, I'm good.
Sorry, sorry.
- Go ahead before I shit myself.
- Excuse me? Go, go sit with your wife.
She guilted me into swapping with you.
Enjoy the fucking honeymoon.
It's almost like the pursuit of this one woman, this one relationship became its own form of heroin.
I was strung out.
You know, I was driving her crazy making my kid miserable.
When you finally give up and let go, good stuff starts to happen.
She's better now.
My kid's fantastic.
I'm keeping it simple.
Such a sad sweet tale of woe.
I'm surprised you made it through the whole thing.
I thought I might try to hang yourself there at some point.
You know I actually did think about it, but I figured, you know, that'd kind of rude since you were pouring your heart out and all.
- I appreciate that.
- Yeah.
But you know, this has been nice to actually have a conversation with someone who isn't trying to get in my pants.
You mean my epic love story for the ages isn't pure panty-peeler? Okay.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go to the little girls' room.
Well, if you don't want me to try to get in your pants don't talk dirty to me.
You know I really hope that no one comes in on me.
- Lock the door.
- See, that's the thing.
I always forget.
What the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm sorry, I thought you I'm just kidding.
I thought you had to pee.
I already did.
I'm sorry I've missed that.
Have you done this before? Kiss the girl? Couple of times.
- In an airplane bathroom? - Believe it or not, no.
It always seemed more trouble than it was worth it.
Now, that I'm here I think I was just holding off for the right gal.
For the love of Christ.
Save it for the honeymoon suite.
I have serious work I gotta do in here.
Thanks for pretty much the best flight ever.
You're very welcome.
I guess we shouldn't ruin it by keeping in touch or anything.
I couldn't agree more.
You know what they say: What happens in the small cramped toilet, stays in the small cramped toilet.
That's one of my favorite sayings, right up there with "Eating ain't cheap.
" You it's been a long time since I just made out with a guy.
- Your dirty slut.
- I know.
- It's kinda hot, though.
- Hot.
Maybe we should do it again some time.
With more room to move one's extremities.
You did not experience my best work, lady.
I've got some serious moves.
I need to be able to extend and retract.
I gotta loosen up if I some Maybe I should get your number.
Hold on.
I can never work this thing.
Hey.
Come on, cock-blocker.
Roll down the window.
Hey.
Little Runks.
Up high for uncle Hank.
You can do it.
My man.
How you doing, man? - He talking yet? - No, not a word.
Marsty tell me it's totally normal.
- How old now? - Two point five.
- Totally not normal, Charlie.
- I know, that's what I keep saying.
It's a sweet ride you got here.
I was totally expecting one of your faggoty little girl cars.
This is how much I've missed you.
Leasing this very expensive penis extension.
Made me feel closer to my brother from another mother.
Oh, you sweet, bald, cock hungry homo, you Jeez.
Hank, Hank.
He may not say much, but he's not deaf.
I'm sorry, I just see you, I get all excited that words just spill out.
Hank.
Sorry, they all look the same.
- What? In a good way.
- Right.
Condescending to the last.
Maybe the houses all look the same, but you - You look amazing.
- Thank you.
Easy, tiger.
Stop it.
I can't believe we haven't fucked for two years, nine months, three weeks and It's a compliment.
I'd still totally do you.
Good to know.
As I recall, it was mish, into doggie, segued quite seamlessly into cowgirl.
I came twice, you just did once.
A guy remembers these things.
It would appear that I owe you one.
- How are you, Hank? - Most excellent, thank you.
Are you still keeping it simple with what's her name? No, ended that just last night, thank you very much.
- Ah, hence the sudden arrival.
- Nonsense.
The business of show has brought me to the left coast.
And how could I pass up an opportunity to gaze upon my ladies? Alas, this one's not your lady anymore, Hank.
Bates, good to see you wearing pants.
How's it tucking? That's between me and your ex baby mama.
She's still my baby mama and always will be.
Get used to it, that will not change.
Did we do this once before and it ended in fisticuffs? Yes, and a good fisticuffs it was.
Epic.
In fact, I think we needed to do it.
Like men in prison.
To get it out of the way.
We had to do the man-dance, just once, just the taste.
So we can move on with our lives and become the cold war powers that we are today.
Is that what it was? Cause I seem to remember you pissing me off to such an extent I was left with no choice but to take a swing.
- And I hit you right back, don't forget that part.
- No blood.
- Sizable shiner.
- Yeah, blood's more embarrassing.
Karen had to get you a towel, some ice.
Fresh pair of panties too, right? Yep, still wearing it.
- How's Becca? - Wonderful.
- What's that? - Nothing.
No, that is definitely not nothing.
In fact, that's exactly the kind of frown I'd give you if you were trying to bullshit a bullshitter.
It's her fucking boyfriend.
I mean, I wanna kill him, Hank.
I mean I don't wanna kill him, I want to dismember him.
Slowly.
And pour tabasco sauce in his torn bloody asshole as he dies screaming for his mommy and daddy.
Yeah.
- Nice.
- Karen.
If you absolutely have to be with someone else, this is the right guy.
I know.
He's like you.
But awesome.
- That's me.
- Whateva'.
Gross.
This is gross.
Cut it out.
Where is she? What's the story? I don't know, she didn't come home last night.
What? What kind of shop are you running around here? - That's what I always say.
- I don't know, she's in college, Hank.
I mean you know she stays some nights with her boyfriend.
It's been known to happen.
- What? And she's been having sex with this guy? - I should hope so.
- Why? - Because he's hot.
- Who are you? - He is a real fucking douchebag, but he is.
You know what? We'll have dinner.
I'll make sure she brings him.
Okay? Fine, why not? Dinner with the ex and her new husband, my insolent daughter, her asshole boyfriend.
Fanfuckintastic.
This is not shaping up to be a good trip, not at all.
.
I've only been in LA a couple of hours and I'm already supremely fucking agitated.
Have I told you about how much money you stand to make? I don't believe it, Runks.
Nothing is ever that easy and I'm not jumping through any hoops to land this thing, whatever this thing is.
What is this thing? Hello? Hello, ex-wife? Hello? Big time movie producer guy? - Hello.
- Fuck.
I'm gonna take a piss.
Oooh.
Eat that, bitch.
God damn it.
God damn it.
No, harder.
Yes.
Charlie, come here.
Charlie.
Charlie! She moaned like that when you used to munch her out? Hardly.
Of course I never quite had as many quatloos in the bank.
And an Academy Award on my shelf.
These things had been known to enhance the female orgasm.
Stuart! Close your eyes, son! Charlie? Hank? Stuart? Irma! Christ on a cross.
Hank? Oh, so good to see you.
Hey, can we do this a little later when you lose the wood? - And wash your face.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sorry, and this could be a while.
I just popped a Niagara.
- You mean a Viagra.
- No we call the Niagara around here.
Because my rock hard endowment makes Marcy gush like Niagara Falls.
- Oh.
So Marcy's a squirter now? - Oh yeah.
Things have really changed in my absence.
Yeah, Marcy is in the throws of a real sexual renaissance now, Hank.
- It's exhilarating.
- It's good to hear, it's really good to hear.
But you're too young to mess with that Niagara shit, Stu.
I know, I know, I just really like the nine hour boner.
That it makes me feel alive.
You know like get shit done.
What is wrong with you people? You're like a couple of teenagers.
Yeah well Irma was supposed to be watching him.
It was a quickie, Runkle, then we were all going for some froyo.
Speaking of which, why is he eating these terrible snacks? Oh settle down, soccer mom.
Hanky.
Hug! - Oh you smell like sex.
- Yes I do.
- And weed.
- Well yeah, Mommy's little helper.
I take a puffsky or two and I get the sex munchies, you know.
I'm going through a real sexual renaissance.
I heard.
Irma, what the fuck? Language, Marcy! He sneak away.
He always sneak away.
- He so quiet like a mouse.
- Oy Dios mio! It doesn't have anything to do with you watching your stories? El Gordo y La Flaca? I know all about it, Irma.
I'm calling immigration, motherfucker.
What are you guys doing here? What are we doing here? We came for the meeting.
Jesus Runkle, didn't you get the message? There is no meeting.
He wants Hank to come to him.
One on one.
Face time.
Who the fuck is he? - Samurai Apocalypse.
- What? Huh? - The rapper? - Oh, have a little respect, Runkle.
The man has transcended rap a long ago.
Sam is a producer, businessman, entrepreneur, humanitarian.
No, he is a major player, Hank.
Major.
And I pass.
No no no no no, you have to take the meeting.
He really is an inspiring human being.
He also has writer approval and he hasn't liked anyone we've sent him.
First of all, I'm not auditioning for anyone.
Especially someone who calls himself Samurai Apocalypse.
Secondly, why wasn't I first on the list? - What well I wasn't aware - Hollywood asshole.
TM.
Have you tried? Truth be told I get more satisfaction out of a a solid BM.
Thank you, Alfred.
- Alfred, really? - Fuck yeah, man.
As a kid, I told my ma.
I said: "Mama, when I get rich and famous, I give me Alfred.
" Your ma must be proud, cause you got yourself a fucking Alfred all right.
I don't even know what the motherfucker's real name.
I just call him Alfred and he snatched right to it.
I don't even know if I pay this motherfucker, he might be my slave.
Take that, white people.
- You know I dug your book, man.
For real.
- Thank you.
- The shit was crazy.
- Thanks.
When the chick squirted all over Runkle, I laughed so hard I almost shit my own pants.
Runkle's always good for a laugh.
And a shart.
Tellin' me? This motherfucker's a walking Pez dispenser.
- So you read the book? Cool.
- Nigga can't read, man? Kinda shit that saying to a brother, yo.
I read yo shit from cover to cover, man.
Even the boring pretentious parts.
Yo, I think you're the kind to write my shit.
- What do you have in mind? - Santa Monica Cop.
I don't know what that means.
Look, man, I did this rap star already.
Sold gold, platinum, zirconium: Check.
Got my my own energy drink, Apocalypse Wild: Check.
Got the badass Scarface crib, crazy rides, more pussy a nigga can eat: Check, check, check.
So what's next? The movies.
I wanna do my own thing, my own moment.
Santa Monica Cop is my Eddie Murphy moment right now.
- So it's like Beverly Hills Cop.
- Nah nigga, it's set in Santa Monica.
Okay, I see the difference.
You're a kingmaker, man.
I want to be a king, yo.
- You in? - I don't know, is not really my thing.
The fuck else do you wanna do? Write another book? Fuck that, let's get paid, motherfucker.
Hey.
Get yo sexy ass over here, mama.
- What's up, mama? - Hi.
Hank Moody, this is Kali.
Remember this name, Kali, She's gonna be a star.
Kali, this is Hank Moody.
The writer/rapist.
Nice to meet you, Hank.
- And you.
- Oh God.
Sorry.
Didn't mean to get a puddle on you, sorry.
She keeps it cool for sure, yo.
It looks like you two are about to fornicate.
Which is typically my cue.
Keep it real up with the feel.
A'ight.
Im'ma keep in touch, Moody.
You can't escape Apocalypse Now, yo.
Hasn't been that long, dad.
- You got that look.
- What look? The drunken boy crazy look.
Promise you'll be nice.
Nice? What are you talking about? I'm always nice.
Might wanna get used to this one.
I could see him sticking.
In a shoe maybe.
Like an unpleasant chunk of dog turd.
How old of a man might you be, Tyler? - I'm 24, Hank.
- 24? A touch too old for my daughter, don't you think, maybe? Kind of inappropriate? - Dad? - Daughter? - You're being a dick.
- Am not.
- Am too.
- Am not.
He's not being a dick, baby.
- Baby, really? - He's just a concerned father, you know, the two are easily confused.
I don't think age is an issue here, Hank.
Becca is wise beyond her years.
And I'm nothing if not somewhat stunted.
That sounds familiar.
Well, Hardy Har Har, Karen.
So funny I forgot to laugh.
I'll take a snifter of that vino rouge you got there, Tyler.
Oh, sorry, Hank.
Looks like I killed it.
All by yourself? Again, with the rude, no? Maybe, but it is incredibly tasty super Tuscan.
Snooze, you loose.
Hank, look I get it, I do.
A young, good looking guy swoops in and starts sniffing around your one and only, and you questions his motives.
Totally understandable.
But I really like your daughter.
We're having fun, we're hanging out, keeping it simple And I come in peace, okay? It's all good.
- It's all good? - Yeah.
- It's all good.
- He's really charming.
You hear that, Karen? It's all good.
- Yes, it's all good.
- It's all good.
We should go on, babe.
We're going to be late.
Hold on, hold on a sec.
Is anybody gonna say anything? Okay, It's on me to be the designated asshole.
You're not really thinking of driving, are you? You just finished a whole bottle of wine.
Hank, come on.
Who puts wine in the drinking and driving category? I don't know, maybe people who have lost kids to smarmy little fucks who sucked down super Tuscans and then got behind the wheel? And you've certainly never consumed alcohol and gotten behind the wheel, have you dad? I have made certain mistakes, Becca.
This has been well documented.
But because of my foolishness, you don't have to make the same ones.
Great seeing you, dad.
Always a pleasure.
Becca, wait.
See how easy that was? Problem solved.
She a quite little trouble stirrer, that one.
It was nice to finally meet you, Hank.
Truly sorry we got off on wrong foot.
- Take care, Karen.
- Bye.
Jesus, even feels like a creep.
Clammy, fucking mitz.
I don't like it.
Not one bit.
Hank, you're here for a couple days.
Is this how you wanna leave things with your daughter? I think I'm going to let the grownups hash this one out.
You know where I stand.
I hate his stupid fucking guts.
And I love you for it, Batesy.
Your support means the world to me.
Seriously, I could've felt you right now.
You know it wouldn't be the first time a man has tongued my asshole in gratitude.
- Shut up.
Just shut up.
- Raincheck.
- He's kidding, right? - You don't get it, do you? - What? - He's you.
Yes.
You said so earlier.
He's like me only awesomer.
And I'm not sure I liked the way you phrased it, but I certainly understand the sentiment.
And I choose to see a compliment there somewhere.
- Hank, will you shut the fuck up? - Because I'm a bright side guy.
I'm not talking about Richard.
Tyler.
What? What are you talking about? The kid is a loathsome fucking asshole.
Well, there are certain members of my family who said the same thing about you.
Your folks, maybe.
Not your sister.
She always dug me.
She used to molest me with her eyes.
Something fierce, I could tell.
Got me a little wet.
I'm not gonna lie.
Wow, I can't believe it has taken me this many years to realize you ended up with the wrong sister.
Oh, she was a foxy little minx, that one.
But she didn't turn on my heart light.
So what's the move here, Karen? - Move? There is no move.
- There's always a move.
She likes him.
He says he likes her.
It works until it doesn't.
That sounds awfully familiar.
I'm not in the mood, Hank.
I'm going back to my life.
Who could blame you? It's a nice life.
What? You did well for yourself.
You got a white picket fence and everything.
Yep.
Home, sweet home.
I know bait when I hear it, and this little fishy ain't biting.
- Good night.
- Good night, former lover.
One hundreeeed! I win! Hank! Buddy I didn't hear you come in.
Hank, this is Ginger.
Ginger, this is my best friend and star client, Hank Moody.
- Hi, Hank.
- Hey, Ginger.
Any naked friend of Charlie is a naked friend of mine.
What's with the victory lap, dude? It's the 100th woman, Hank.
Un ciento, baby.
Remember? My quest.
Oh, wow, it took this long to get to a 100? What am I talking about? Of course it did.
I know, right? But I did it.
I made myself a promise and I kept it.
My heart and cock swell with pride.
Hey, I'm really happy you were here to see me cross the finish line.
- Me too.
- How was your day, buddy? It started off all right, then it got a little weird and then it just all went sideways and shitty.
What do you think of Samurai Apocalypse? Yeah, can you give me a ride back to the LAX right now? Oh, come on.
There's no need to be rash.
Look, you have yourself a drink.
Chillax, enjoy the view.
No, no, that's how it starts, Charlie.
Stop.
Who dis? Oh.
Who? Oh, yeah? Wait, what? Say that again.
Wow.
Wow.
Oh, okay.
Well, thanks for calling.
I guess.
- Who dat? - My neighbor back in New York.
Everything okay? My apartment's on fire.