Comic Book Men s05e01 Episode Script
Wookiee Fever
[upbeat funky music.]
If you guys could have any pet in pop culture I'm not gonna limit it to comics Who would you pick? All right, I would pick Gizmo from "Gremlins.
" I mean, I would take care of him properly, you know, not feed him after midnight Not a chance.
No sunlight.
You don't even take care of your own kids.
- How are you gonna take care of - [laughter.]
Of of a mogwai? - Mike? - The rock ape.
Igoo from "The Herculoids.
" - Rock ape? - Yeah.
[laughter.]
It weighs about 10 tons.
It's got an anger issue.
Do you have to take this Igoo for a walk - and, like, clean up after it? - No, it's a game.
Imagine what imagine if he'd start throwing number two at you.
It's like a It's like big, gigantic boulders.
[laughter.]
What about you, Bry? I'm gonna say Lassie, because I will never accomplish anything really of note in my life, but if I have a dog who's always doing something extraordinary and, like, enough to, like, get public notice You can maybe get your picture in the paper.
Yeah.
Always standing next to Lassie.
Ride on Lassie's coattails.
I kind of think Lassie will have her hands full, just rescuing you from your From your everyday life.
[laughter.]
Bryan's in a well again.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show that knows they were growing medical marijuana on Clark Kent's farm.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
All right, gentlemen, what happened in the Fortress of Comictude this week? The godfather of Halloween items came into The Stash.
Hey, guys, how you doing today? Hey.
Got something I think you might be interested in.
What do you got? The 1977 Don Post Chewbacca mask.
Oh, my God.
You've got Chewbacca's head in there.
Like that film "Seven.
" What's in the box? [laughter.]
I loved Chewbacca.
This may be one of the coolest things that's ever walked in here.
I think I know where Mike got his hairstyle from.
[laughter.]
Now, there's a $55 price tag written on the front in pencil.
Yes.
So that would have been, like, you know, $400 today.
This cost more than every Halloween costume I ever had combined.
[laughter.]
There were two names in Halloween: Ben Cooper.
Half a mask went over your face, had a rubber band went around the back, you know, for the budgeted people.
And for those parents who really loved their children, Don Post.
That looked like they could put them in a movie.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, these were high-end.
I didn't know anybody who had a Don Post mask growing up.
No.
No parent where we grew up would have ever been like, "Yeah, $50 for a mask is reasonable, here.
" I was lucky if I got Ben Cooper on November 1st.
[laughter.]
- Do you mind if I take it out? - Sure, go ahead.
It feels so weird.
It feels like real hair that hadn't been washed in 40 years.
I mean, look at the attention to detail.
It's freaking me out, man.
I expect it to start growling.
Do you have a favorite Chewbacca moment? I liked when he got Yoda to escape in "Revenge of the Sith.
" Saved his life, and the Jedi live on.
My favorite moment I mean, it always sends chills down my spine, is, at the beginning of of "Empire," Luke and Han are out on Hoth, and they have to close the doors.
They can't send anymore search parties.
And as the door closes, Chewbacca starts the most haunting Chewbacca wail ever.
I think it was the most human moment in the movie, and it was performed by the Wookiee.
Maybe in the entire trilogy.
Yeah.
Do you know how talented you have to be to pull off a role where you're not speaking any words and still let people know what you're trying to do as the character and stuff? Tell us, Silent Bob.
[laughter.]
You saw that coming, did you? I think it would be a good pickup for us, you know? So what do you want for it? Looking to get $325.
$325.
The box is a little, uh A little tape issue there in the box.
How about $200? I can't go that low, no.
$250? I could do $250.
- Absolutely.
- Thanks a lot.
Good deal.
There you go.
- Take care, guys.
- All right, man, see ya later.
Put it on.
Let's see what Let's see that Chewbacca impression.
Having mask or no mask, it's an awesome impression.
How's it feel? How's it smell? Ugh, do I have to stay in here any longer? All right, come on, let's hear it.
All righty.
[muffled screaming.]
It's a little better.
The muffling does make it sound a little better.
[laughter.]
Take me there, take me.
Don't close your eyes, because the face is everything.
Okay, I'm staring.
[screaming weakly.]
[laughter.]
It's like Chewie being stabbed to death in a subway.
[laughter.]
Don Post mask.
Yeah, we just picked it up.
Wow, dude.
The ultimate Chewbacca mask.
- Did you hear my impression? - I could hear you on the street.
It was a Rob Bruce mating call.
That's why he showed up so fast.
It was pretty good, right? - Oh, it's terrible.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
Oh, like you guys could do any better.
I guarantee you all three of us could do a better Wookiee call than that.
All right, well, let's hear you try.
All right, well, how about we let Robert then decide who's got the best Wookiee call out of all of us? - Nah.
- I could do that for sure.
- No way.
- Why? He's not an impartial judge.
- No, yeah - Yes, he is.
No way, you know he's gonna pick you because he knows you're the boss.
Honest Rob.
[laughter.]
Hey, if you guys really wanted to do a contest, I know the perfect judge, and he would totally be impartial.
Who? Peter Mayhew's gonna be in town.
You're talking about the Peter Mayhew? Chewbacca himself? I've known Peter for years.
And you think you could convince him to come down here? You guys set it up, I'll have him here.
Rob Bruce knows Peter Mayhew from "Star Wars"? He knows him.
He is the connect, man.
I've been working in this business 21 years.
I don't even know Peter Mayhew.
That's weird, because he goes by Peter "I'll be friends with anyone" Mayhew.
[laughter.]
We all agree, Peter Mayhew is qualified enough to judge our little contest? Yes, yes, yes, I agree.
We'll go all out.
We'll put on a little show for the Wookiee man himself.
What do you mean, like costumes? That's not a bad idea.
Can we make our own? Our own interpretations of a Wookiee.
Our Wookiee-off.
How much do you want for that? [laughter.]
I need more room in the box itself.
I'm gonna be putting my ashes in this.
Gentlemen, he's coming.
Mr.
Peter Mayhew will be here.
- Hey, how are you? - Good, good.
I'm Joe.
I called earlier about the Marvel superheroes lunch box.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's right.
- It's right down there.
- Oh, yeah.
This is sweet.
I actually had this lunch box in fourth grade.
- Me too, yeah.
- I just adored this lunch box.
I imagine they must be pretty rare, because, like, when you guys had them, it was used to deflect, like, a flurry of punches coming your way.
I think I had the coolest lunch box of all, "Star Wars.
" Did you? - I had the "Star Wars" lunch box.
- Was it metal, though? 'Cause eventually, lunch boxes are phased from metal to - Plastic.
- Blegh.
- It was metal.
- Don't lie.
It was a cardboard shoe box.
He wrote "Star Wars" on the side.
[laughter.]
Oh, my lord.
The metal lunch box.
The lunch box itself was not just metal, but it was a metal lunch box.
You could take somebody out with it.
Like, the playground was a series of, like, bam! Aah! It was just "Goodfellas" over and over again.
Open her up.
It's got the thermos in there.
Oh, cool.
It's very difficult to find - a lunch box with the thermos.
- But the I'm probably not gonna need this.
I need more room in the box itself.
I'm gonna be putting my ashes in this.
Like, you're gonna use it as an ashtray? As instead of an urn.
Oh, you mean your Your real your body ashes.
My final ashes, yeah.
That's gonna be my final resting place.
I mean, I convinced my wife to keep it on the mantel.
You know, how, like, some couples, you know, they plan their final resting place together.
She wouldn't want to be, like, side-by-side in her own lunch box? - I'm working on that.
- Well, is she a petite woman? - You can put her in here.
- [laughter.]
That's it.
Put her in there.
Do you love anything so much, that you're like, "I want to be buried in something - that is branded by it?" - I already got my plan.
It's going to be a wooden box, but it's gonna be shaped and painted like a white long comic book box.
- That's genius.
- Right? I did you see me about to roll a tear? That is genius.
I spent my whole life searching through those long white boxes.
I finally found what I'm looking for in all those white boxes: death.
[laughter.]
All right, so, this is the bargain of a lifetime.
We're looking only to get 75 bucks for this.
- Seriously? - I mean, that Where are you gonna find a coffin or an urn for 75 bucks? That's a good point.
Well, how about, uh, fifty? You're gonna negotiate on your final resting spot? Yeah.
[laughter.]
- Uh, gee, how much? - About $50.
Oh I could do $65.
$60, how about that? And I'll thank you on the plaque.
Oh, yeah? All right, 60 bucks.
- Got it, awesome.
- You got a deal.
- All right, man.
- Thanks a lot.
Cheers, guys, thanks.
- Take it easy.
- Rest in peace? [laughter.]
I think that guy just kind of inspired me.
Mike, will you hand me that over there? - What, this? - Yeah.
What do you think? You think that'll fit? You think you think that's enough room for me? Just climb in, Ming.
[laughter.]
I think we have every piece of hair and fabric in Red Bank.
Whatchu working on over there, Mike? A bandolier.
I thought it was a garter belt.
Unrelated to the costume.
[laughter.]
What about you? You don't need to work on your costume? My costume's done.
Your costume's done? No way.
Don't worry about me.
Everything's taken care of.
The fact that he's already done means one thing.
His costume is crap.
My costume was amazing.
Look how smug he sounds.
Go sit in the trash can.
You could be R2-D2.
[laughter.]
Yeah, okay, laugh it up, fuzz ball.
[laughter.]
Ming, how you doing, buddy? - Gentlemen.
- Hey.
So, what'd I tell you? Right? - What? - He's coming.
Mr.
Peter Mayhew will be here.
Glad to see you guys got started already.
Well, we're glad to her that you're confirming it now that we've been started.
[laughter.]
This is the ROM robot.
- Oh, my gosh.
- It's a hunk of gray plastic.
How dare you mock ROM.
What kind of vessel do you wanna leave this world in? Oh, I mean, I always thought I'd have some of my ashes spread at the store.
You know, I had some of my greatest triumphs there.
A place of great happiness.
That was your final wish? Ya know, I would allow it.
- The basement.
- Yeah.
Which, ironically, is where you're gonna die, chained up probably.
Zap, what about you, man? What do you want to be buried in? I think I want to be CGC'd.
[laughter.]
Slab him.
Probably mid-grade, you know.
I mean, if you go tomorrow, though, you could be a higher grade, right? Bry, what about you? I want to get helicoptered over a volcano and just dropped in, so, like, I go down like "Terminator 2," you know? That's kind of cool.
Wait, so, lowered into it? No, you could just chuck me.
You're gonna be dead, so [laughter.]
Yeah, hit the side, roll all the way down to the bottom.
His head popped off, and he didn't fall into the volcano.
This didn't work.
He would have wanted it that way.
[laughter.]
[rock music.]
Hello, fellas.
- How are you guys? - Oh, my God.
I have something to show you.
- Holy crap.
- This is the ROM robot.
Ooh, baby.
We are very familiar with ROM, at least - Oh, yeah.
- Me and Mike are.
Absolutely, right? Holy mackerel, look at him.
He acts like he's pulling the Hope Diamond out of a cardboard box or something.
"Wow!" Do you remember the Marvel comic? - I loved that.
- How good was the comic? It was amazing.
Which came first? - The toy.
- The toy.
And then they made a comic to sell the toy.
I remember the ads in the comic book, but at this point in my life, I was like, "I'm too big for toys.
"I'm a big boy now.
I don't I don't need toys.
" I had to keep telling myself that over and over again.
He was 19.
[laughter.]
"I hear this isn't popular with the big boys.
" I felt that I was just a little bit too old, you know, buying a toy at that point in my life.
But that, to me, is a weird story, 'cause when I met you, you knew exactly who you were and didn't apologize for it.
You liked comic books.
I'm like, "Comic books? You're older than me.
" - And he was - He's a big boy.
Don't you wish you could go back and talk to your younger self and be like, "It's okay, 'cause you'll be a big boy before you know it.
" If I went back in time and was like, "You're gonna be a big boy one day," I would hope to God somebody would have me arrested.
[laughter.]
Wow, it's so awesome.
So hold on.
This was, like, a high-end toy of your time? Absolutely.
It's like a hunk of gray plastic.
What are you talking about? Look, he's trying to speak to you.
He's like, "Shut up, tool.
How dare you mock ROM.
" Right? And he actually has more accessories in the box.
- Really? - It's, it's a full set.
All right, well, what are you looking to get for it? I'm hoping for $275, because it is a whole set.
Unfortunately, the hand's broken over here - Mm-hmm.
- And the box is a little beat up.
- But she has the box, though.
- Yeah A good guy gives you a good price, and a good price for this Is $150.
- Mm.
- What? - Call yourself a good guy.
- What's that mean? Darling, come on, $200.
That's not a good girl.
Oh, please.
You don't know me that well.
[laughter.]
- You guys - How much you want for it? - $200.
- $200? $200 is fair.
$200.
- Yes.
- I got to have that.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You guys have a good one.
- Take care, thank you.
- See ya later.
Aw, yeah.
[rock music.]
As promised, Mr.
Peter Mayhew.
Oh, my gosh.
Mr.
Mayhew, it is an honor and a privilege to have you at The Stash.
I can't believe you're here to judge our Wookiee call contest.
Well, who else would you have? I think what we can't believe is, you actually did know him.
[laughter.]
Before we start, do you think we could, you know, ask you a couple questions? I think I can answer most of it.
Chewbacca, actual "Star Wars" royalty in the store.
I couldn't even speak.
It was pretty intimidating.
You know, he he looked like could have, like, just squashed me like a bug.
No, man, 'cause he's three times as tall as you, - I would imagine.
- Yeah, ah, pretty much.
Did he have to stoop to get through our front door? I'm not sure if he had to stoop, because I think I was unconscious for a few seconds.
[laughter.]
Ming, even sitting down, he's taller than you.
I know.
[laughter.]
Bet you haven't got hands that big.
- Holy moly.
- Oh, my God.
- That's like an Ewok hand, right? - Yep, yep.
[laughter.]
- Killer t-shirt.
- I love it.
So what was it like on the first film? Did you have any idea that it would change the lives of millions of people? I never expected it to be any more than a B-movie.
The first day, the costume felt strange.
But, within two days, we were in the cantina.
And, boy, if you don't feel normal.
[laughter.]
Because there's two heads and green people, you name it.
I know you didn't fly it for real, but what was it like co-piloting, like, the baddest starships ever? Absolutely wonderful.
It's like sitting in a sports car, and they've taken a piece of the Falcon out so that I could hang my feet underneath.
Like Fred Flintstone.
Yeah, good point.
Chewie's noise was a brown bear and a German shepherd.
You mix the two together.
Can I run home and get my dog? [laughter.]
Okay, we're gonna get in our costumes, and we're gonna give you the best Wookiee call contest you ever heard.
Welcome to the Wookiee-off.
Can we have your roar, please? [rock music.]
Welcome to the first annual Wookiee-off.
Wookiees are individuals, and I can see there are a lot of individuals here.
Some wonderful, and some terrible.
So it's the Wookiee-off, and not everybody looked as fly as maybe Bry, myself, or Mike.
This tool decides that he would go buy his costume on the Internet.
Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold on.
You step up in a plastic mask? Whoa, hold on.
It wasn't a Wookiee look-alike contest.
It was a Wookiee call contest.
He he's right.
And it was time to step up to the plate and do our best Wookiee call.
I think we'll start with number one.
_ Wonderful.
Can we have your Wookiee roar, please? - _ - [muffled scream.]
- [stifled laughter.]
- Right.
- Sit down.
- [snickering.]
Wookiee number two.
Check it out.
- Yeah.
- Soak that in.
- Cool.
- Okay.
[suspenseful music.]
[hoarse howl.]
Thank you, number two.
Crap.
What a set of pipes on that Wookiee.
Number three.
The novice.
[tepid caterwaul.]
Number four.
[hearty trilling.]
- Number two.
- [hoarse scream.]
- Number one.
- [muffled scream.]
- Three.
- [tepid caterwaul.]
- One.
- [muffled scream.]
- Four.
- [hearty trilling.]
[hoarse moaning.]
[weak moaning.]
[all screaming, trilling.]
I feel like we're communicating.
- Yeah.
- We're on a level.
Say that again? [blows tuning whistle.]
Ahh Egh! Thank you.
[whispering.]
Thank you.
It's time to pick two finalists.
And they are [suspenseful music.]
Number two and number four.
Neck-and-neck.
So it's brother against brother.
That's the last person I want to go up against.
My lifelong friend here.
But we're talking "Star Wars" here, so, you know, I don't care.
I want to win.
I want Mr.
Mayhew to proclaim me the champion.
King Wookiee.
You want to be Chewie.
Hello, gentlemen.
Square up.
Number two first.
May the best Wookiee win.
[dramatic music.]
[screaming crazily.]
[scream quiets into hoarse howl.]
Interesting.
I think I won by default.
He's dead.
[laughter.]
Ugh.
Number four.
[trilling intensely.]
[laughter.]
Thank you, gentlemen.
We have a winner.
The judgment is number four.
You are the Wookiee champion.
Congratulations.
Robert, the trophy, please.
Yes, sir, right there.
There we go.
- Wow.
- And may the Force be with us.
[cheering, trilling.]
When was the last time you ever won anything, you know what I'm saying, like, a trophy? Third grade.
I took home third prize in the Halloween parade.
And look at that.
It only took you about 40 years.
Now you're top prize.
Using Peter Mayhew to judge your Chewbacca Wookiee-off is the poorest use of Chewie since the "Star Wars" holiday special.
And I'm ashamed of all of you, but I'm happy that you got him here into the store, man.
That's absolutely tremendous.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, Nerf herders.
But it's time for us to light speed out of here.
For Comic Book Men, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
In honor of Peter Mayhew, "May" the Force be with "Hew.
" Good night, kids.
If you guys could have any pet in pop culture I'm not gonna limit it to comics Who would you pick? All right, I would pick Gizmo from "Gremlins.
" I mean, I would take care of him properly, you know, not feed him after midnight Not a chance.
No sunlight.
You don't even take care of your own kids.
- How are you gonna take care of - [laughter.]
Of of a mogwai? - Mike? - The rock ape.
Igoo from "The Herculoids.
" - Rock ape? - Yeah.
[laughter.]
It weighs about 10 tons.
It's got an anger issue.
Do you have to take this Igoo for a walk - and, like, clean up after it? - No, it's a game.
Imagine what imagine if he'd start throwing number two at you.
It's like a It's like big, gigantic boulders.
[laughter.]
What about you, Bry? I'm gonna say Lassie, because I will never accomplish anything really of note in my life, but if I have a dog who's always doing something extraordinary and, like, enough to, like, get public notice You can maybe get your picture in the paper.
Yeah.
Always standing next to Lassie.
Ride on Lassie's coattails.
I kind of think Lassie will have her hands full, just rescuing you from your From your everyday life.
[laughter.]
Bryan's in a well again.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Comic Book Men," the only show that knows they were growing medical marijuana on Clark Kent's farm.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
All right, gentlemen, what happened in the Fortress of Comictude this week? The godfather of Halloween items came into The Stash.
Hey, guys, how you doing today? Hey.
Got something I think you might be interested in.
What do you got? The 1977 Don Post Chewbacca mask.
Oh, my God.
You've got Chewbacca's head in there.
Like that film "Seven.
" What's in the box? [laughter.]
I loved Chewbacca.
This may be one of the coolest things that's ever walked in here.
I think I know where Mike got his hairstyle from.
[laughter.]
Now, there's a $55 price tag written on the front in pencil.
Yes.
So that would have been, like, you know, $400 today.
This cost more than every Halloween costume I ever had combined.
[laughter.]
There were two names in Halloween: Ben Cooper.
Half a mask went over your face, had a rubber band went around the back, you know, for the budgeted people.
And for those parents who really loved their children, Don Post.
That looked like they could put them in a movie.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, these were high-end.
I didn't know anybody who had a Don Post mask growing up.
No.
No parent where we grew up would have ever been like, "Yeah, $50 for a mask is reasonable, here.
" I was lucky if I got Ben Cooper on November 1st.
[laughter.]
- Do you mind if I take it out? - Sure, go ahead.
It feels so weird.
It feels like real hair that hadn't been washed in 40 years.
I mean, look at the attention to detail.
It's freaking me out, man.
I expect it to start growling.
Do you have a favorite Chewbacca moment? I liked when he got Yoda to escape in "Revenge of the Sith.
" Saved his life, and the Jedi live on.
My favorite moment I mean, it always sends chills down my spine, is, at the beginning of of "Empire," Luke and Han are out on Hoth, and they have to close the doors.
They can't send anymore search parties.
And as the door closes, Chewbacca starts the most haunting Chewbacca wail ever.
I think it was the most human moment in the movie, and it was performed by the Wookiee.
Maybe in the entire trilogy.
Yeah.
Do you know how talented you have to be to pull off a role where you're not speaking any words and still let people know what you're trying to do as the character and stuff? Tell us, Silent Bob.
[laughter.]
You saw that coming, did you? I think it would be a good pickup for us, you know? So what do you want for it? Looking to get $325.
$325.
The box is a little, uh A little tape issue there in the box.
How about $200? I can't go that low, no.
$250? I could do $250.
- Absolutely.
- Thanks a lot.
Good deal.
There you go.
- Take care, guys.
- All right, man, see ya later.
Put it on.
Let's see what Let's see that Chewbacca impression.
Having mask or no mask, it's an awesome impression.
How's it feel? How's it smell? Ugh, do I have to stay in here any longer? All right, come on, let's hear it.
All righty.
[muffled screaming.]
It's a little better.
The muffling does make it sound a little better.
[laughter.]
Take me there, take me.
Don't close your eyes, because the face is everything.
Okay, I'm staring.
[screaming weakly.]
[laughter.]
It's like Chewie being stabbed to death in a subway.
[laughter.]
Don Post mask.
Yeah, we just picked it up.
Wow, dude.
The ultimate Chewbacca mask.
- Did you hear my impression? - I could hear you on the street.
It was a Rob Bruce mating call.
That's why he showed up so fast.
It was pretty good, right? - Oh, it's terrible.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
Oh, like you guys could do any better.
I guarantee you all three of us could do a better Wookiee call than that.
All right, well, let's hear you try.
All right, well, how about we let Robert then decide who's got the best Wookiee call out of all of us? - Nah.
- I could do that for sure.
- No way.
- Why? He's not an impartial judge.
- No, yeah - Yes, he is.
No way, you know he's gonna pick you because he knows you're the boss.
Honest Rob.
[laughter.]
Hey, if you guys really wanted to do a contest, I know the perfect judge, and he would totally be impartial.
Who? Peter Mayhew's gonna be in town.
You're talking about the Peter Mayhew? Chewbacca himself? I've known Peter for years.
And you think you could convince him to come down here? You guys set it up, I'll have him here.
Rob Bruce knows Peter Mayhew from "Star Wars"? He knows him.
He is the connect, man.
I've been working in this business 21 years.
I don't even know Peter Mayhew.
That's weird, because he goes by Peter "I'll be friends with anyone" Mayhew.
[laughter.]
We all agree, Peter Mayhew is qualified enough to judge our little contest? Yes, yes, yes, I agree.
We'll go all out.
We'll put on a little show for the Wookiee man himself.
What do you mean, like costumes? That's not a bad idea.
Can we make our own? Our own interpretations of a Wookiee.
Our Wookiee-off.
How much do you want for that? [laughter.]
I need more room in the box itself.
I'm gonna be putting my ashes in this.
Gentlemen, he's coming.
Mr.
Peter Mayhew will be here.
- Hey, how are you? - Good, good.
I'm Joe.
I called earlier about the Marvel superheroes lunch box.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's right.
- It's right down there.
- Oh, yeah.
This is sweet.
I actually had this lunch box in fourth grade.
- Me too, yeah.
- I just adored this lunch box.
I imagine they must be pretty rare, because, like, when you guys had them, it was used to deflect, like, a flurry of punches coming your way.
I think I had the coolest lunch box of all, "Star Wars.
" Did you? - I had the "Star Wars" lunch box.
- Was it metal, though? 'Cause eventually, lunch boxes are phased from metal to - Plastic.
- Blegh.
- It was metal.
- Don't lie.
It was a cardboard shoe box.
He wrote "Star Wars" on the side.
[laughter.]
Oh, my lord.
The metal lunch box.
The lunch box itself was not just metal, but it was a metal lunch box.
You could take somebody out with it.
Like, the playground was a series of, like, bam! Aah! It was just "Goodfellas" over and over again.
Open her up.
It's got the thermos in there.
Oh, cool.
It's very difficult to find - a lunch box with the thermos.
- But the I'm probably not gonna need this.
I need more room in the box itself.
I'm gonna be putting my ashes in this.
Like, you're gonna use it as an ashtray? As instead of an urn.
Oh, you mean your Your real your body ashes.
My final ashes, yeah.
That's gonna be my final resting place.
I mean, I convinced my wife to keep it on the mantel.
You know, how, like, some couples, you know, they plan their final resting place together.
She wouldn't want to be, like, side-by-side in her own lunch box? - I'm working on that.
- Well, is she a petite woman? - You can put her in here.
- [laughter.]
That's it.
Put her in there.
Do you love anything so much, that you're like, "I want to be buried in something - that is branded by it?" - I already got my plan.
It's going to be a wooden box, but it's gonna be shaped and painted like a white long comic book box.
- That's genius.
- Right? I did you see me about to roll a tear? That is genius.
I spent my whole life searching through those long white boxes.
I finally found what I'm looking for in all those white boxes: death.
[laughter.]
All right, so, this is the bargain of a lifetime.
We're looking only to get 75 bucks for this.
- Seriously? - I mean, that Where are you gonna find a coffin or an urn for 75 bucks? That's a good point.
Well, how about, uh, fifty? You're gonna negotiate on your final resting spot? Yeah.
[laughter.]
- Uh, gee, how much? - About $50.
Oh I could do $65.
$60, how about that? And I'll thank you on the plaque.
Oh, yeah? All right, 60 bucks.
- Got it, awesome.
- You got a deal.
- All right, man.
- Thanks a lot.
Cheers, guys, thanks.
- Take it easy.
- Rest in peace? [laughter.]
I think that guy just kind of inspired me.
Mike, will you hand me that over there? - What, this? - Yeah.
What do you think? You think that'll fit? You think you think that's enough room for me? Just climb in, Ming.
[laughter.]
I think we have every piece of hair and fabric in Red Bank.
Whatchu working on over there, Mike? A bandolier.
I thought it was a garter belt.
Unrelated to the costume.
[laughter.]
What about you? You don't need to work on your costume? My costume's done.
Your costume's done? No way.
Don't worry about me.
Everything's taken care of.
The fact that he's already done means one thing.
His costume is crap.
My costume was amazing.
Look how smug he sounds.
Go sit in the trash can.
You could be R2-D2.
[laughter.]
Yeah, okay, laugh it up, fuzz ball.
[laughter.]
Ming, how you doing, buddy? - Gentlemen.
- Hey.
So, what'd I tell you? Right? - What? - He's coming.
Mr.
Peter Mayhew will be here.
Glad to see you guys got started already.
Well, we're glad to her that you're confirming it now that we've been started.
[laughter.]
This is the ROM robot.
- Oh, my gosh.
- It's a hunk of gray plastic.
How dare you mock ROM.
What kind of vessel do you wanna leave this world in? Oh, I mean, I always thought I'd have some of my ashes spread at the store.
You know, I had some of my greatest triumphs there.
A place of great happiness.
That was your final wish? Ya know, I would allow it.
- The basement.
- Yeah.
Which, ironically, is where you're gonna die, chained up probably.
Zap, what about you, man? What do you want to be buried in? I think I want to be CGC'd.
[laughter.]
Slab him.
Probably mid-grade, you know.
I mean, if you go tomorrow, though, you could be a higher grade, right? Bry, what about you? I want to get helicoptered over a volcano and just dropped in, so, like, I go down like "Terminator 2," you know? That's kind of cool.
Wait, so, lowered into it? No, you could just chuck me.
You're gonna be dead, so [laughter.]
Yeah, hit the side, roll all the way down to the bottom.
His head popped off, and he didn't fall into the volcano.
This didn't work.
He would have wanted it that way.
[laughter.]
[rock music.]
Hello, fellas.
- How are you guys? - Oh, my God.
I have something to show you.
- Holy crap.
- This is the ROM robot.
Ooh, baby.
We are very familiar with ROM, at least - Oh, yeah.
- Me and Mike are.
Absolutely, right? Holy mackerel, look at him.
He acts like he's pulling the Hope Diamond out of a cardboard box or something.
"Wow!" Do you remember the Marvel comic? - I loved that.
- How good was the comic? It was amazing.
Which came first? - The toy.
- The toy.
And then they made a comic to sell the toy.
I remember the ads in the comic book, but at this point in my life, I was like, "I'm too big for toys.
"I'm a big boy now.
I don't I don't need toys.
" I had to keep telling myself that over and over again.
He was 19.
[laughter.]
"I hear this isn't popular with the big boys.
" I felt that I was just a little bit too old, you know, buying a toy at that point in my life.
But that, to me, is a weird story, 'cause when I met you, you knew exactly who you were and didn't apologize for it.
You liked comic books.
I'm like, "Comic books? You're older than me.
" - And he was - He's a big boy.
Don't you wish you could go back and talk to your younger self and be like, "It's okay, 'cause you'll be a big boy before you know it.
" If I went back in time and was like, "You're gonna be a big boy one day," I would hope to God somebody would have me arrested.
[laughter.]
Wow, it's so awesome.
So hold on.
This was, like, a high-end toy of your time? Absolutely.
It's like a hunk of gray plastic.
What are you talking about? Look, he's trying to speak to you.
He's like, "Shut up, tool.
How dare you mock ROM.
" Right? And he actually has more accessories in the box.
- Really? - It's, it's a full set.
All right, well, what are you looking to get for it? I'm hoping for $275, because it is a whole set.
Unfortunately, the hand's broken over here - Mm-hmm.
- And the box is a little beat up.
- But she has the box, though.
- Yeah A good guy gives you a good price, and a good price for this Is $150.
- Mm.
- What? - Call yourself a good guy.
- What's that mean? Darling, come on, $200.
That's not a good girl.
Oh, please.
You don't know me that well.
[laughter.]
- You guys - How much you want for it? - $200.
- $200? $200 is fair.
$200.
- Yes.
- I got to have that.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You guys have a good one.
- Take care, thank you.
- See ya later.
Aw, yeah.
[rock music.]
As promised, Mr.
Peter Mayhew.
Oh, my gosh.
Mr.
Mayhew, it is an honor and a privilege to have you at The Stash.
I can't believe you're here to judge our Wookiee call contest.
Well, who else would you have? I think what we can't believe is, you actually did know him.
[laughter.]
Before we start, do you think we could, you know, ask you a couple questions? I think I can answer most of it.
Chewbacca, actual "Star Wars" royalty in the store.
I couldn't even speak.
It was pretty intimidating.
You know, he he looked like could have, like, just squashed me like a bug.
No, man, 'cause he's three times as tall as you, - I would imagine.
- Yeah, ah, pretty much.
Did he have to stoop to get through our front door? I'm not sure if he had to stoop, because I think I was unconscious for a few seconds.
[laughter.]
Ming, even sitting down, he's taller than you.
I know.
[laughter.]
Bet you haven't got hands that big.
- Holy moly.
- Oh, my God.
- That's like an Ewok hand, right? - Yep, yep.
[laughter.]
- Killer t-shirt.
- I love it.
So what was it like on the first film? Did you have any idea that it would change the lives of millions of people? I never expected it to be any more than a B-movie.
The first day, the costume felt strange.
But, within two days, we were in the cantina.
And, boy, if you don't feel normal.
[laughter.]
Because there's two heads and green people, you name it.
I know you didn't fly it for real, but what was it like co-piloting, like, the baddest starships ever? Absolutely wonderful.
It's like sitting in a sports car, and they've taken a piece of the Falcon out so that I could hang my feet underneath.
Like Fred Flintstone.
Yeah, good point.
Chewie's noise was a brown bear and a German shepherd.
You mix the two together.
Can I run home and get my dog? [laughter.]
Okay, we're gonna get in our costumes, and we're gonna give you the best Wookiee call contest you ever heard.
Welcome to the Wookiee-off.
Can we have your roar, please? [rock music.]
Welcome to the first annual Wookiee-off.
Wookiees are individuals, and I can see there are a lot of individuals here.
Some wonderful, and some terrible.
So it's the Wookiee-off, and not everybody looked as fly as maybe Bry, myself, or Mike.
This tool decides that he would go buy his costume on the Internet.
Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold on.
You step up in a plastic mask? Whoa, hold on.
It wasn't a Wookiee look-alike contest.
It was a Wookiee call contest.
He he's right.
And it was time to step up to the plate and do our best Wookiee call.
I think we'll start with number one.
_ Wonderful.
Can we have your Wookiee roar, please? - _ - [muffled scream.]
- [stifled laughter.]
- Right.
- Sit down.
- [snickering.]
Wookiee number two.
Check it out.
- Yeah.
- Soak that in.
- Cool.
- Okay.
[suspenseful music.]
[hoarse howl.]
Thank you, number two.
Crap.
What a set of pipes on that Wookiee.
Number three.
The novice.
[tepid caterwaul.]
Number four.
[hearty trilling.]
- Number two.
- [hoarse scream.]
- Number one.
- [muffled scream.]
- Three.
- [tepid caterwaul.]
- One.
- [muffled scream.]
- Four.
- [hearty trilling.]
[hoarse moaning.]
[weak moaning.]
[all screaming, trilling.]
I feel like we're communicating.
- Yeah.
- We're on a level.
Say that again? [blows tuning whistle.]
Ahh Egh! Thank you.
[whispering.]
Thank you.
It's time to pick two finalists.
And they are [suspenseful music.]
Number two and number four.
Neck-and-neck.
So it's brother against brother.
That's the last person I want to go up against.
My lifelong friend here.
But we're talking "Star Wars" here, so, you know, I don't care.
I want to win.
I want Mr.
Mayhew to proclaim me the champion.
King Wookiee.
You want to be Chewie.
Hello, gentlemen.
Square up.
Number two first.
May the best Wookiee win.
[dramatic music.]
[screaming crazily.]
[scream quiets into hoarse howl.]
Interesting.
I think I won by default.
He's dead.
[laughter.]
Ugh.
Number four.
[trilling intensely.]
[laughter.]
Thank you, gentlemen.
We have a winner.
The judgment is number four.
You are the Wookiee champion.
Congratulations.
Robert, the trophy, please.
Yes, sir, right there.
There we go.
- Wow.
- And may the Force be with us.
[cheering, trilling.]
When was the last time you ever won anything, you know what I'm saying, like, a trophy? Third grade.
I took home third prize in the Halloween parade.
And look at that.
It only took you about 40 years.
Now you're top prize.
Using Peter Mayhew to judge your Chewbacca Wookiee-off is the poorest use of Chewie since the "Star Wars" holiday special.
And I'm ashamed of all of you, but I'm happy that you got him here into the store, man.
That's absolutely tremendous.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, Nerf herders.
But it's time for us to light speed out of here.
For Comic Book Men, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
In honor of Peter Mayhew, "May" the Force be with "Hew.
" Good night, kids.