Curb Your Enthusiasm s05e01 Episode Script

I'm drowning.
I'm gonna die.
And somewhere I'm not religious at all I said, "God, help me!" And I'm deposited right on the beach.
- Oh my golly.
- I went swimming that day for some reason.
Something drew me to the water.
Why? I don't know.
I was like a baby drawn to the nipple.
You know? Or an adult drawn to the nipple.
Either way, right? - You know what I think? - Is that divine intervention? - Unbelievable.
- Is that not divine intervention? - You know what I think? - Huh? - I think this happened for a reason.
- Yes! Yes, I think so too.
It happened for a reason.
Maybe you'll start to be more respectful to people, - treat people better.
- I'm respectful to people.
- Eh, Larry, eh-heh.
- What? "Eh-heh"? - Fine.
Whatever.
- I respect people.
- I'm very nice to people.
- Yeah, fine.
So, anyway, huh? Amazing? - Is that amazing? - Awesome.
True story, every word! To life! L'chaim! - Yeah! - To life! Every day is a gift.
Are you going to temple for the High Holy Days? - Of course.
- I want to go to temple this year.
- You do? - Well, yeah.
Given what happened, don't you think I should? Yeah, it's a great thing, but you've got to get your ticket six months in advance.
It's a tough ticket to go to High Holy Days.
Why do you need a ticket to go to temple? It's crazy! I'm not saying I justify it, but you need a ticket, and I've got my tickets.
How am I gonna get one? Um You know what? I'll make some calls, and if I hook one up I call you tonight.
- Okay.
- We'll see.
Look at this thing.
You ever see a handle like this on a cup? What's the point? - It looks like a pretend teacup.
- Look.
You can't get your index finger in there.
What's the point? I like watching you do that.
There was something I want to tell you oh! I went by Leo's Delicatessen.
You know what's up on the board? A brand new sandwich called the "Larry David.
" - What? Get out of here.
- Swear to God.
Swear to God.
Leo named a sandwich after me? You're kidding! - Yep yep yep.
- I can't believe it.
I'm on the board? You're on the board.
- What is it? - Let's see, um There's whitefish, uh, sable, - uh, capers, onions and cream cheese.
- What? What? - That's the sandwich? - Yeah.
- You've got a sandwich! - That's a disgusting sandwich! Really? All right, I'm gonna get something to eat.
- I'll see you in a minute.
- Okay.
Look at this.
- Sorry.
- Oh, boy.
Oh my gosh.
Oh, what happened? He bumped me.
- Did you bump into him? - No.
You bumped into me.
- You didn't bump into me? - Larr, please.
- What happened? - Oh, nothing.
- Ready to go? - Yeah, you ready? - Hey.
- What? - We're gonna take off.
- What? We carpooled with you.
- I'm not ready to leave yet.
- It's enough already.
Larry, what the fuck? I'm having fun.
- Jeff, they want to go.
- We want to go.
- You want to go? We carpooled.
- We want to go.
We're not ready to leave, Jeff.
- He just got his food.
- You'll get a ride.
- If don't get a ride give me a call.
- Fine! - You'll be hearing from us.
- Yeah, you'll come back and get us.
- I'll come back.
- I believe that.
Oh, Larry.
Call me Mr.
Tibbs.
Ooh, Larry.
Don't answer that.
Actually, that might be Jeff calling about the temple tickets.
- I don't care.
- Huh? - I don't care.
- This is kind of important.
He'll call back.
Because I told him to try and find out.
Hello? - Hey! - Oh, hey.
Made some calls, but no go on the tickets.
- Oh, what a bummer! - Yeah.
I'm sorry, but you know what? You can always try for a scalper.
Really? They got scalper tickets? - They usually do.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
- Expensive? I have no idea.
All right, I'll get some scalper tickets.
Get some scalper tickets.
We'll just go down there and try to get some.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for trying.
Sure, man.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
- Get off! - What? - Get off of me! - What are you doing? What am I doing?! What are you doing?! What? What's the big deal? What? Why did you have to answer the phone? 'Cause I told you I was expecting a call.
Why? So what? I don't know.
Jesus.
Good night.
Oh, right.
Mustn't interrupt intercourse.
Oh, sacred intercourse cannot be interrupted.
Oh, everybody quiet.
Quiet for intercourse.
Shh! Don't disturb the intercourse.
I'll tell you something.
This is some kind of sandwich, my friend.
It's the first time I really kvelled really swelled up with joy.
Look at that.
Larry David sandwich.
I really kvell from this.
It's something that makes me prouder than anything.
Ah, all right, all right.
I don't even like it.
- What? - I don't like it.
All right, whatever you said just now, you mumbled it, which is something you do a lot.
- You do a lot of mumbling.
- Okay.
You don't have a lot of respect for speech.
You could speak a little clearer.
It wouldn't hurt anybody.
You're laughing in my face.
I don't have respect for speech? - Yes, sir.
- I do! I respect speech! - Yes! - I disagree! - Aha! Look who's here! - Hey, Leo! How're you doing? So good to see you! Oh, and Mr.
David, too! How are you, sir? - Fine fine.
- Huh? Yeah! Leo! First of all, I want to thank you for putting me up on the board having my own sandwich! Larry David sandwich, huh? Will you look how proud he is.
No problem! It is my pleasure to put the Larry David sandwich - up on the board.
- It's such a wonderful thing.
You like it, yeah? You like it? Eh! - What is this "eh"? - Eh.
You know I'm not really a big I'm not really a big fish guy to tell you the truth.
This is the best whitefish in the whole wide world.
No other place got this whitefish but me.
I'm sure it is, but I'm more of a pastrami, corned beef kind of guy.
Can I get a pastrami, corned beef thing? You are the whitefish-sable period.
- What do you want me to do? - What about tongue? No tongue! Hey, let me ask you this, okay? What if I got somebody to switch sandwiches with me? - To switch with you? - Yeah, maybe, you know uh, Ted Danson, or something.
What do you think about that? Okay, I tell you what I'm going to do for you.
If the Mr.
Danson say okay, okay, then switch.
- Okay.
- If I can do it, I can do it.
- I'll see you at temple.
- Okay.
Jesus, that guy almost broke my hand with that shake.
- Don't whisper to me.
- I said he almost broke my hand with that handshake! You know, most of the time once in awhile if you're if you're pleasant to people you you What's the matter? Take a drink of water.
Take some water.
It's okay, Pop.
Everything's gonna be all right.
I've got your glasses.
Well, your dad has had a mild stroke.
- Really? - Yes.
He's gonna be fine.
He's gonna be fine.
I've got him lightly sedated and he's resting.
He's doing very well and it's nothing for you to worry about.
- Okay.
- Absolutely.
My feeling is we may do a little corrective surgery.
I don't know exactly when, but we'll have him here for awhile.
Let me ask you a question.
My dad and I were eating in the deli - Mm-hmm.
- Earlier, and um Actually, they named a sandwich after me.
- No kidding? - I've got my own sandwich.
- That is great.
- I'm up on the board.
The Larry David.
If you go in there I've see that on the menu everybody's got their sandwich.
But the bad news is that I can stand the sandwich, between you and me.
What is it? I see you recoiled.
Was it a breath thing? - No, not at all.
- I noticed you put your head back.
- But anyway, here's my question.
- Okay.
Is it possible that the sandwich could've had something to do with the stroke? If the sandwich was caught and he started choking and couldn't breathe and then became fearful, I guess it's possible.
You know, it could raise his blood pressure.
His life is not threatened.
He's fine and he's resting.
The sandwich gave him a stroke.
How do you like this? The sandwich.
Do you mind if I if I, uh I'm a big fan of "Seinfeld.
" - I don't know if that bothers you.
- Why would it bother me? - It was a wonderful show.
- Thank you.
And I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do your father's surgery for you.
I'm chief surgeon here.
Usually I delegate it to somebody else, but I would be happy to do this for you.
- Thank you.
- You're a golfer, right? Would like to get together and play? I can't believe that that sandwich might have been responsible for this.
I'm so sorry.
Whitefish.
Why did he have to give me whitefish? There are so many other sandwiches.
Pastrami, tuna I would've taken tuna even with the mercury.
What stinks in here? You know what? I think you smell from the onion.
You want a mint? Take a mint.
No mint? I got a whole handful of them.
What? What? What is it? I didn't I'm a doctor? What? I'm a doctor? I'm, a-adopted? Adopted? I'm sorry.
- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Did you say I'm adopted? Okay, okay.
- Now.
- Okay.
- "Adopted," you said? - You have to leave now.
- Let's go now.
- Dad, I'm adopted? - I'm adopted? - Let's go.
Let's go.
I'm adopted.
I think I'm adopted.
I might be adopted.
I think I'm adopted.
I could be adopted.
I might be adopted.
Dennis, hey! Where'd you come from? Upstairs.
Upstairs? What the? Hey, do you mind if I stop this for a second? I have an idea.
Maybe it'd be more funny if I've suspected this a long time.
I really did.
The only noticeable thing I have in common with them, honest to God, is my penmanship.
I noticed there's a similarity.
Isn't there something with the stroke with oxygen to his brain? - Come on.
Adopted? - Don't ruin this for me.
- I'm not trying to ruin it.
- Don't rain on my parade.
- Look who's here.
- Hey! - Hey, Jeff.
Hey, man.
- I can't shake.
Bad fingers.
Hurt my fingers.
All right.
I am so bummed out.
I'm awful.
I don't know how - to be funny anymore.
- It's not you.
- It's the writing.
- Why are you here by the way? No we were just I was at his office.
Thought I'd bring him by.
Told him you were filming here.
- He got excited.
- I figured I would check out the pilot.
Thanks, buddy.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, guess what? - Leo's you know.
- Yeah.
- They named a sandwich after me.
- You're kidding? - I got a sandwich.
- That's wonderful.
- I'm on the board.
- You've arrived.
- I'm on the board.
- That is fantastic.
- Yep.
- That's good news.
The thing about it I was wondering, 'cause I know you don't go in there very much I'm in there all the time.
I'm in there three times a week.
You know, and in as much as you don't go in there, I was just thinking that maybe 'cause my sandwich is a great sandwich, but I'm not really a fish guy.
- Yeah.
- You gotta like fish.
- Eh.
- You like fish, but anyway so I was thinking maybe you wouldn't mind switching with me.
Switching sandwiches? You don't go in there.
I'd like to eat my own sandwich.
It would be fun to go in with my dad and eat my own sandwich.
All right.
What the hell.
What's the harm? - Really? - Yeah, why not? - Fantastic! - Yeah yeah yeah.
Just so if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich? Okay, it's, um you got whitefish.
You know whitefish? - Whitefish.
- Whitefish, and sable.
What is sable? Sable.
It's a fish.
It's like a whitefish.
It's a smoked fish.
- It's a smoked fish.
- You have two fishes? Yeah, but they blend very well together.
They're like Siamese twins, whitefish and sable.
What else is in it? - No condiments? - Cream cheese.
There's some cream cheese.
It's - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Capers.
They're may be some capers.
I'm not sure.
If you don't like them, you can brush them off.
- Not a big deal.
- Onions.
Yeah.
That's sounds awful.
What are you talking about? Awful? My sandwich is turkey, coleslaw, Russian dressing.
It's a classic.
People come in, they order a Ted Danson.
Yeah, but you're not there.
You don't go in there.
People are used to my sandwich, they show up and all of a sudden they're eating The Ted Danson sandwich all of a sudden has herring and lox.
- It's not herring.
- Capers.
- Onions.
- Shut the fuck up.
It's not herring, okay? It's whitefish and sable.
That's not herring.
Instead of ordering a Ted Danson, people order a Larry David.
What's the difference? One tastes good and one sucks! Why don't you taste the sandwich? - Taste it! - I don't wanna taste it! - You can't even taste it? - I don't wanna taste it! - You won't even taste it? - You keep it.
- I'm won't taste your stupid sandwich.
- So you're not tasting it? Tickets? Tickets? Who needs who needs tickets? Tickets? Happy New Year.
Tickets? - How are you? - Good.
You need tickets? You got something? - Do I have I have the best seats.
- Yeah? I have fabulous two seats, right down front.
The cantor will be practically spitting all over you.
Really? How much? Give me $600 for the two.
- I'll give you $300 for the pair.
- I'll take $300.
I'll take the $300.
You have no idea what a deal this is.
Incredible deal you got here.
- Here you are.
- All right.
- You're not screwing me? - You're screwing me maybe.
I'm giving you the deal of a lifetime.
- Hey! All good.
- Got them.
- Got them.
- How much? - Pfft! - Really? - Yeah yeah.
- Oh, Jeez.
I don't understand why you buy tickets.
- It's a popular day.
- Too many Jews to go around.
Exactly.
By the way, thank you for carpooling with us.
I really never expected you'd get in my car again - after the other night.
- We're sorry.
Listen, this adoption thing, I was thinking about it.
Isn't there an aunt or an uncle or somebody from your childhood? Any relative who would know, they're all dead.
- They're all dead? Every last one? - All dead.
There's one person.
I had a nanny when I was - You had a nanny? - I had a nanny Johanna Seiderman - Yeah? when I was a little kid.
Antoinette tracked her down.
There's a Johanna Seiderman in a nursing home - in Queens - Really? And I've written her a letter.
This is terrific.
That way you'll have definitive "yes, no.
" You might not be happy, but you'll know.
Let me ask you guys a question.
You pick up the phone during sex? - No! - Why would you pick up? You're in the middle of an intimate moment with your loved one.
- You're gonna pick up? - I'm - Fine.
- Why would you pick up? If every blue moon I have sex, I'm not gonna pick up.
- Why do you have an answering machine? - Thank you.
You're having an intimate moment and you pick up? - Who does that? - Hey, Larry.
Larry, Rob.
Oh, can't shake, Rob.
Got a bad hand.
Okay.
All right.
- Um, so this your wife? - No! What? No! - What kind of response is that? - That's my wife.
Oh, hey, I'll see you inside.
- Okay, see you inside.
- All right, take care.
- Sorry? What? - Really! It's always a thing.
- Oh, stop.
- "No no no no!" Well, you've got your Al Capone hat on.
This happens to be a very expensive hat, mister.
- It's rude.
- Let's go in and pray.
Let's go in and pray.
Sorry, Susie.
"Be among those who cherish truth above ease.
Their fruit we eat now; Their essence remains for us in the life to come.
Hey hey.
- How'd you get that sandwich? - What are you talking about? - That sandwich at the deli! - Leo gave it to me.
- That's how I got it.
- Did you bribe him? I bribed him.
That's rich.
What are you talking about? - How many times a week do you go? - I don't know.
Two? - I go there five times a week.
- Big deal.
I eat anything off the menu.
- I eat a lot of stuff too.
- I take stuff out.
- I get deliveries.
- I give it to charity.
- Shh! - Big deal! What were you talking to him about? None of your business.
The new year.
"Leo, I didn't get a sandwich.
I want a sandwich.
" Your sandwich stinks, by the way.
It stinks! You stink.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm gonna need to see your ticket.
- Why? - Your ticket, sir.
Is there a problem? What's the problem? This the guy? - Okay, pal.
- You little snitch.
- You're gonna have to step out.
- I have a ticket.
- Do you feel like making a scene? - No.
- Shh! - Oh, shush you.
- Shh! - Shh! - Shh! - Shush yourself! All right, great.
Little tattletale.
You little snitch.
He spilled the coffee, by the way, because I couldn't put my fingers through your dainty cup! You're setting a bad example for my gentile wife.
It's her first time in temple.
- What's happening? - They're kicking us out.
- Are you gonna wait? - It's gonna be an hour and a half.
How are we gonna get home? We carpooled with you.
You'll get a ride.
There's plenty of people.
- Let's go.
- Get a ride.
Friends, let us continue on page 133.
- I saw you roll about seven feet past.
- Yeah.
Get this: The doctor divorced his wife and is seeing his secretary.
- Just told me.
- Unbelievable.
- This guy.
- Heh.
- Did you hear from the nanny? - No.
No, not yet.
- You must be on pins and needles.
- Yeah.
But I think if she gets the letter, she's gonna get in touch with me.
We'll see.
- That's wild.
- Isn't it? Yeah yeah yeah.
He's got the yips.
The what? The yips.
- The yips! - I don't know what that is.
- You never heard of the yips? - No.
Okay, it's in golf.
You line up to putt and your hands shake.
He was shaking like this.
Well, maybe it's just a golf condition.
He gets nervous when he putts.
I can't take that chance.
He's operating on my father.
You need to call him and tell him not to do it.
They're gonna have to get somebody else.
- I hate doing stuff like this.
- You don't have a choice.
I hate these calls.
Pick up the phone and call the doctor.
Maybe you could call him.
If it was my father I would've already been on the phone.
Okay.
You should go out of the room 'cause I can't do this in front of somebody, honest to God.
Could you leave the room? It's like calling for a date.
- I need privacy.
- Oy.
I never I never said you were adopted.
Yeah, that's what you said.
No, I never said that.
I wouldn't say that to you, no.
It's not true, no.
- You're not adopted.
- It's okay, you can tell me.
- I can take it.
Are you sure? - You're not.
Listen, that Larry David sandwich, I didn't finish it.
I remember seeing a half a sandwich still on that table.
You want the other half? You know, I just ran into your doctor.
I'm meeting him there for lunch.
- What a nightmare that's gonna be.
- What? You sure I'm not adopted? I never said that.
Never.
Okay.
We'll see what Mrs.
Seiderman has to say.
Ah! Um I'd like a Larry David to go, please.
Oh, we don't have that sandwich anymore.
- What? - They changed the name.
And I say that it happens every single time.
I swear to God.
I wouldn't lie to you, not to you guys.
Larry, what are you doing here? You stole my sandwich? Is that what you did? - What are you talking about? - What am I talking about? - What are you talking about? - You stole my sandwich! - What does that mean? - Look at the board! You're blaming me? I saw you talking to him outside the temple.
- You're out of your mind.
- You don't think I saw you? I always talk to people outside.
It's Rosh Hashanah! It's the New Year! I talk to deli owners! I talk to pawnbrokers! - "Leo, can I please have a sandwich?" - Oh, bullshit! You were so jealous that I had a sandwich, you just couldn't take it, could you? You had to get your sandwich! I got information you might be interested in.
I can't wait.
What is it? I'm adopted.
- Bullshit.
- Bullshit? Bullshit? No, it's not bullshit.
What do you mean you're adopted? I'm adopted.
- How do you know? - My father told me.
- You don't know who your parents are? - They're not those nuts! I know that, but I know who yours are.
- Fuck.
- Enjoy your whitefish.
Enjoy.
- Larry.
- Yeah? Larry, you are adopted? - Yeah.
- I adopted too! You are my brother! We are in the brotherhood of the adopted! Larry, come on over here.
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to let you have any sandwich you want.
- Really? - Any one you want! Take it! - Go ahead, take it.
- Oh, boy.
- Take it.
- It's a tough decision.
Okay okay, I wait.
I think I'm going to have to go with that Ted Danson.
- Ted Danson? That's yours.
- Thank you.
That son of a bitch don't come in anyway! - You got it! - Thank you.
- Hey, Larry.
- Dr.
Sewell.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
Leo, this is Dr.
Sewell.
- Leo.
- How are you, Dr.
Sewell? I think I'll get that Larry David to go.
Do not even think about it.
I'm expecting a phone call from Mrs.
Seiderman.
- Who? - You know, my nanny.
Do not pick up that phone.
Nobody's picking up.
I had an answer to his question.
If only he had picked up.
Mrs.
Seiderman? Mrs.
Seiderman.
Mrs.
Seiderman! Mrs.
Seiderman?!