Dad's Army (1968) s05e01 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? (BOMBS EXPLODING) Take your thumb out of your mouth, boy.
You know, Wilson, I'd give anything I possess to have a crack at the enemy.
Yes, sir.
One feels so helpless.
Our boys knocking Jerry for six out there, and here are we, stuck in the pavilion.
JONES: Left, right, left, right, up! Right, file in.
Come on.
Number two patrol reporting, sir.
-All right, Corporal? -All quiet, sir.
(LOUD EXPLOSIONS) What? I said, ''All quiet, sir.
'' When I say ''all quiet'', I'm not referring to the noise, sir, if you know what I mean.
''All quiet'' is part of military procedure, you see, sir.
What the old fool is trying to tell you, Captain Mainwaring, is that we didn't spot any Nazi parachutists.
Why have the men got fixed bayonets, Corporal? Well, in case the parachutists come floating down, we've gotta be ready for the old upward thrust.
Look what you've done.
-Put your finger in that hole.
-I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I'm sorry, sir.
-Go and have a rest in the corner, Jones.
-Very good, sir.
Number two patrol in the corner, having a rest at the double! It's the best place to leave him, sir.
Well, you may scoff, but I admire his spirit.
You can see the light of battle in his eyes.
Very exhilarating.
Yes, awfully good, sir, but he does get rather overexcited.
Wouldn't mind seeing the light of battle in your eyes sometimes.
If you kept them open for long enough.
What's the matter? Haven't you had enough sleep? You must admit, sir, we've been rather hard at it just recently.
I mean, we spent all the day in the bank and half the night on duty.
I'm just as tired as you are.
I don't go about with a dozy look on my face.
As an officer, I have to set an example to the men.
You should do the same.
-Of course.
-Come on, brighten up.
Brighten up.
Right, right, right.
I will.
Yes.
Uncle Arthur? -Would like some hundreds and thousands? -What? Oh, how absolutely lovely! Thank you so much.
Would you like some, Mr Mainwaring? Not with my cocoa, thank you.
I always get my sweets ration in hundreds and thousands.
See, 'cause they weigh much lighter and you get far more for yourcoupon.
-Number three section, get ready for patrol.
-Captain Mainwaring! Sir, if you ask my opinion, I'd think it's sheer folly for the men to go out there just now.
Sheer folly! The shrapnel's coming down like hail.
What do you suggest we do then? Crouch in this funk hole all night? No, but, after all, there's nothing much they can do out there, is there? So they might as well stay in here.
It's just plain common sense.
War has nothing to do with common sense, Frazer.
I don't want to skulk in here.
I want to get out there and get to grips with the enemy.
Aren't they rather high up, don't you think? Oh, Captain Mainwaring, that's the sort of talk I like to hear, sir.
You know, you remind me of a major we had in the trenches in 1 91 6.
He was just like you.
His name was Major Willerby D'Arcy, sir.
And he didn't like skulking either.
He couldn't bear skulking.
He didn't like crouching and skulking at all, sir.
He was a marvellous man, you ought to have seen him.
His top boots polished like glass, and he had a monocle in his eye, glistening away there.
Anyway, one day, we was all crouching down in the trench, and suddenly he says, ''Look here, boys, ''I've had about enough of this,'' he says.
''I'm going up on the parapet and walk about, ''and show them damn Jerrys I'm not afraid of them.
'' And he got up on the parapet.
Yes, I think I know what you're going to tell me, Jones.
He walked about on the parapet and never suffered a scratch.
No, sir, he got shot.
And he got shot in a very awkward place.
He did a lot of crouching after that.
Would you like some hundreds and thousands, Mr Jones? -Oh, that's very nice.
-Go on, help yourself, as much as you like.
(THUNDEROUS EXPLOSION) A whole week's sweets ration all over the floor! Cor blimey! That was close.
I think it came down in the woods.
Here, what are you lot doing hiding in here? Shouldn't you be out looking for parachutes? Why don't you clear off? -Mind your own business.
-Now don't you start, Napoleon! Why aren't you out ARP-ing? Look, mate, we've been on duty all night.
I've done my job.
That was the second bomb we've had tonight.
Where did the first one come down? Luckily it was only a small one.
Dropped on a pumping station.
There was nobody in it.
What do you mean there was nobody in it? Walker and Godfrey are on duty there.
-Oh, no one told me.
-Come on, let's go as fast as we can.
-Frazer, Jones.
-Yes, sir? (PIKE YELLS) What're you doing down there, boy? -Picking up me hundreds and thousands.
-Well, get up.
You're in charge here now, Sponge.
All right, just a minute.
You can't go interfering.
This is an ARP matter.
Why don't you mind your own business? Stop pushing everybody about, for heaven's sake.
-FRAZER: Go down the road, you great lump.
-Go on, pick up some hundreds and thousands.
Warden, after you.
Who are you a shovIng of? Who do you thInk you be? Who are you a shovIng of? Keep your hands off me.
There you are.
I told you nobody's here.
They must be in the other room.
Seems as though the ceiling's fallen in.
Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Mainwaring.
Is that Walker? Sir, I'll give you a bunk-up.
All right, all right, Corporal.
-Are you all right, Walker? -I'm all right, sir, but I can't get out.
What happened? Well, all the wall's fallen against that door and I can't open it.
Where's Godfrey? He's up in the top bunk, having a sleep.
Did you hear that? Godfrey's asleep.
The old fool's asleep on duty! In wartime, in national service! That's an offence punishable by death! Do you hear what I said, Captain Mainwaring? Death! Death! All right.
Will you be quiet, Frazer! Keep calm.
Keep calm.
What are you both doing there? One of you should be on duty on the roof.
I did my two hours on the roof and then I come down to get Godfrey to relieve me.
I found he was asleep, I couldn't wake him up and then the bomb came down.
Take Godfrey's name, Wilson, will you? I'll see him in the office.
-I've known his name for years.
-Write it down! Mr Mainwaring, I don't think you understand.
I think he's ill.
Why? Well, I can't wake him.
I've tried everything.
All right.
We'll have you out of there in no time.
I shall give you a bunk-down, wait a minute.
All right, Corporal.
Now, come on.
Oh, not you.
-Sergeant Wilson, come with me.
-Right, sir.
Can you manage, sir? I don't think it's too bad.
I think we'll soon shift this.
Hey! You're not shifting anything.
This is an ARP job.
Heavy Rescue, and I'm in charge.
-I'm Chief Warden, remember? -Rubbish.
I'm in charge here.
Look, I'll tell you I'm in charge.
These are my men and I'm in charge and that is that.
Good heavens, sir, look at that.
-What? -Well, there's huge cracks in the ceiling.
This lot could come down at any moment.
Cor blimey! Perhaps you're right, Captain Mainwaring.
You should be in charge.
As you say, they are your men.
-Keep perfectly still, Wilson.
-Aye, sir.
And take my hand.
I beg your pardon? Take my hand and we'll creep back into the room.
-All right, sir.
-All right.
Now part of that ceiling has collapsed.
God knows what's holding up the rest of it.
The slightest noise or movement could bring the whole thing crashing down on us.
We haven't got very much time 'cause for all we know, Godfrey might be very ill.
The question is, how can we shift that rubble without the rest of the roof coming down on top of us? Well, the only way that I can see is that we must form a chain and then we pass the rubble back into this room.
Now, it's not going to be very pleasant for whoever's at the head of that chain.
Not pleasant? It's gonna be damn dangerous! -Permission to whisper, sir? -Shh! Sir, I'd like to volunteer to be at the head of a daisy chain.
Will you let me do that? Say you'll let me be at the head of a daisy chain.
Daisy chain.
No, no, no, no, Corporal.
We're gonna draw lots for it.
Now I'm gonna put crosses on two pieces of this note paper.
And whoever gets the two crosses goes to the head of the chain, right? Right.
-Uncle Arthur.
-What is it, Frank? I saw them do this once.
In that film, Each Dawn I DIe.
-Did you really? -Yes.
Who was it who got the piece of paper with the cross on it? The sergeant.
(WHISPERING) Now, six pieces of paper in this hat.
What're you talking about six, there are only five of you! Yes, and you make the sixth.
Wait a minute.
This has got nothing to do with me.
I knew it.
The fella's yellow.
You're quite right, Jock.
He's a got a yellow streak a foot wide right down the middle of his back.
Are you gonna take one or not? Yes, all right, I'll take one.
I'm not gonna give you lot a chance to have anything on me.
-You first, Wilson.
-Right, sir, right.
It's blank.
-Nothing on it, sir.
-Frazer.
I'm next.
Blimey, I've got it! What a pity, I was gonna pick that one.
I'll take the next one.
I've got the second.
Let me go instead of you, sir.
Let me go instead of you, sir.
You're too young to die, sir.
No, no, no, Corporal.
I want you here, at this end of the chain.
Now, take off your equipment.
But leave your hats on.
All right.
Now come along, Chief Warden.
No need for that.
MAINWARING: Wilson.
The slightest noise could bring this lot down.
Don't let them make any noise.
Pass it on.
Don't make a noise, pass it on.
Don't make a noise, pass it on.
Don't make a noise, pass it on.
Don't make a noise, pass it on.
Don't make a.
WALKER: (SHOUTING) Hey, Jonesy, what's going on? WIthout a word of warnIng My lIfe has begun.
His heart's not beating.
Blimey! No wonder I can't hear anything! Jonesy.
What's going on? We're nearly through.
How's Mr Godfrey? I don't know.
I can't make it out.
He's sleeping like a baby.
-MAINWARING: Walker.
-I'm here, sir.
Open this door by pushing from your side.
(MAINWARING GRUNTING) -A bit more.
-Oh.
How's Godfrey? I don't know, he seems all right, sir.
I just can't wake him up.
I'll wake him up.
Can you hear me? Godfrey, you all right? Well, that's all right.
What are you two doing here? I told you to stay in the other room.
Well, if the silly old.
I mean if the poor old man's not very well, we want to help.
You mustn't forget, I've got my first aid badge from the Boy Scouts.
Tell Jones to stay where he is and to shut his door.
-Right, right.
-But quietly.
Right.
Jonesy, Mainwaring says, stay where you are and close the door.
Close.
Stay where I am, and close the door.
I can't reach it from here.
-Get down and do it.
-Yes, right, sir.
Right.
And close it quietly.
(LOUD RUMBLING) I'm afraid he didn't close it very quietly.
A fine mess you've landed us in, Mainwaring! Oh, shut up.
Here, come here.
Push! Come on, push a little further.
It's no good, Mr Mainwaring.
There must be a ton of bricks against that door.
I think we're trapped.
Aye, we're doomed.
Doomed.
Mr Mainwaring, sir.
I'm afraid I closed the door too hardly.
-Now listen to me very carefully, Jones.
-Yes, sir.
I want you to go back to the command post, get hold of Private Sponge and the rest of them, and tell them to come back here and rescue us.
Come back here and rescue? You don't panic, sir.
Don't you panic, sir! WALKER: Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! Mr Godfrey's waking up.
Hello.
I must've dozed off for a moment.
Dozed off? He's been asleep for four hours! What are you playing at, Godfrey? Well sir, I haven't been sleeping very well lately and I mentioned it at the clinic this morning, and they gave me some tablets.
It must have been stronger than I thought.
How dare you take sleeping tablets on active service? -I've a jolly good mind to.
-JONES: Mr Mainwaring, sir.
-Yeah? -Permission to worry you? MAINWARING: What is it? -I can't get out! -What? Well sir, I tried to open the back door and the knob come off in me hand, sir.
What did I tell ye? We're doomed.
Doomed.
Oh, be quiet, Frazer.
Let me think.
Now don't you worry, you'll get an idea in a minute, sir.
You'll get an idea in a minute, sir.
I know you will, sir.
Now keep calm, men.
Wilson, come here.
Wilson, get up.
-Now, we're likely to be here for some time.
-Yes, sir.
We've got to keep these men cheerful until help arrives.
-Of course.
-Right.
-So, whatever I do, I want you to back me up.
-Right, sir.
-With a smile on your face.
-Yes.
Is that all right, sir, do you think? Like that? It's better than nothing, I suppose.
Gather round, men.
Come here.
Look here, we're in a pretty tight spot.
But it shouldn't be all that long before Private Sponge and the rest realise that we're missing and come to our rescue.
So, in the meantime, I think we'll keep our spirits up by having a little singsong.
-Now what shall we sing? -I can give you one, Mr Mainwaring.
It was Christmas Day in the workhouse and all the candles were lit No, no, no, no.
I want something that we can do actions to.
-You can do that actions to that.
-Not those sort of actions.
Mr.
Mainwaring, we could always sing one of those songs we sing around the fire in the Boy Scouts.
Yes, that's an excellent idea, Pike, yes.
I know, why don't we take a leaf from His Majesty's book, and sing Under the SpreadIng Chestnut Tree.
Sergeant Wilson will do the cheerful actions and we'll follow.
If Sergeant Wilson's gonna do cheerful actions I'd just as soon be miserable.
I don't want any insubordination.
Right.
Now, I take it you know the actions? Well, yes, I do.
I know them vaguely, sir.
I saw them on MovIetone News.
Yes, well, that's good enough.
Right, Sergeant Wilson will do the actions.
I don't know them terribly well, sir.
Perhaps one of the others might be better than myself.
Come over here, Wilson.
-Look, you will back me to the hilt.
-Of course, yes, sir.
You will do these actions.
That is an order.
-Right.
-Right? -Yes.
-And you will do it cheerfully.
Excuse me, sir, would you like me to come down and join in or stay up here and join in? Stay up there, Godfrey.
-Right, all together then.
Jones? -Sir? You will do the actions, of course.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Even though I'm invisible to you, sir, I shall do the actions right up to the hilt, sir.
Right, after two then.
One, two.
# Underneath the spreading chestnut tree # Where I held you on my knee # There we raised a family 'Neath the spreading chestnut tree (LOUD CLATTERING) (JONES SCREAMING) Are you all right, Jones? Yes, sir.
I'm all right.
But it's difficult doing the actions when you're pressed up against the wall.
Yesperhaps you'd better just sing the words.
Yes, sir.
I think that's the way.
All right, sir? Right, let's just run through it again, shall we? One, two.
# Underneath the spreading chestnut tree # Where I held you on my knee # There we raised a family 'Neath the spreading chestnut tree Captain Mainwaring, I'm all wet! There's water coming out of the pipe! That bomb must have cracked it.
Okay, why don't we wrap something round the pipe to stop the flow? That's a good idea.
Pike, take off your tunic and wrap it around the pipe.
-Why me? -Because you're wet already.
Hang on, just a minute.
Now, we're underground.
If that keeps pouring in, we're all gonna drown.
Now, suppose we can't stop it.
(ALL SQUABBLING) There's no such word as ''can't'', Walker.
Get in there, boy.
Wrap it around.
I don't think it's gonna work, Mr Mainwaring.
Come on, son, keep it up, keep it up, you're doing fine! All right, Frazer, if there's any encouraging to be done, I'll do it.
Sir, there are some stopcocks in the other room.
Perhaps Jones could turn the water off.
Ah, yes, that's a very good idea.
Right.
Oh! Walker -tell Jones to cut the water off with the stopcocks.
-Right, sir.
-Hey, Jonesy! -What? Listen, there's water pouring in here.
Mr Mainwaring wants you to turn it off.
JONES: Well, how can I do that? Turn it off by the stopcock.
-What stopcock? -What stopcock, sir? The stopcocks on the pipe! The stopcocks on the pipe! -Cock.
-All right.
All right.
No time for stupid jokes.
Tell him to get on with it.
-Get on with it, Jonesy.
-Yes, right.
Well, wait, which way's off? Which way's off? -Clockwise.
-Clockwise! Clockwise, right.
(GRUNTING) Here, Jonesy, it's getting worse.
Oh, it must be this way.
(ALL YELLING) (RULE BRITANNIA PLAYING) Mr Mainwaring? Could I come up on the bunk, please? I'm sorry, Pike.
There isn't any room.
What am I gonna do when the water reaches my head? Oh, don't worry about that.
We'll have thought of something by then.
Can I come in your bath, please, Mr Hodges? No, you can't come in my bath.
There's only room for one.
And stop walking about, you're making waves! The slightest movement will have this thing over.
I know.
How about singing a song? Yes, what shall we sing? How about, Asleep In the Deep? Let the people sIng SIng lIke anythIng #Any gorgeous song.
# -Uncle Arthur? -Yeah? If you don't let me up on that bunk, I'll tell Mum.
Stop moaning, Frank.
Can't you see there's no room? We haven't got much time left, Mr Mainwaring! You said you'd think of something before it reached my head! Oh, don't worry.
Don't worry.
I'm working on it.
Have you thought of anything yet, Wilson? No, I haven't actually, sir, no.
But I am working on it, too.
The water.
The water's getting higher and higher.
Don't you think it would be a good idea if we didn't talk so much? Then we might save the air a bit.
You be quiet, Godfrey.
If it hadn't been for you, we wouldn't have been in this mess in the first place.
We're entombed.
And doomed.
Reminds of the time when I was a wee little laddie on the lone Isle of Barra.
A submarine got sunk.
In Castlebay.
And seven brave men were trapped in it.
The water got higher and higher and higher.
Until it got up to their necks.
And then.
Terrible way to die.
Put a sock in it! GODFREY: Mr Mainwaring, sir, do you think I.
If you want to be excused, it's impossible.
-I quite agree.
-What I was about to say, sir is that I think I found a way out, sir.
Don't be absurd.
If we open this manhole.
Well, how would you undo the bolts? -Hey, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes.
-I think that's what those spanners are for.
-GODFREY: Yes.
By Jove, I think you're right, Walker.
Boy.
Go and get that big spanner.
Yeah, I thought it'd be me.
Awfully clever of you, Godfrey.
I can't reach it, Mr Mainwaring.
(ALL GROANING) You.
You, what's your name? Hodges.
Go and get it.
Mr Hodges to you, Napoleon.
I presume you want to get out of here? Oh, all right.
I'm going as fast as I can.
Well, give us a hand then! Give us a hand, can't you? Come on.
Give us a hand.
Come on, give us a pull.
Different now, isn't it? When I wanted to get in your bath, you didn't wanna know.
Now you want all the help you can get! HODGES: Come on.
I can't reach it.
WILSON: Well, stand up! If I'm not very careful, I shall.
If I'm not very careful, I shall.
(SCREAMS) Fall in.
Now you've dropped it.
Of all the incompetent bungling idiots.
Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring, I'll get it! -Here, give it to me.
-WILSON: Well done, Frank.
Can you manage? Yeah, it's a bit stiff, but they're coming.
I'll get it in a minute.
Oh, no! I'll get it in a minute.
Oh, I wish I'd something to lever it with.
Lever it with.
Spanner.
Spanner.
This spanner.
Wait a minute! There's a manhole! Why didn't I think of this before? It fits! It fits! Don't worry, my brave lads! I'll get you out, my brave lads! I'll rescue you! Come on, Uncle Arthur, give me a hand up.
I can't do it now, Frank.
I can't.
You'll get us all wet.
I'd like to make you wet, mate! Oh, just clear off.
Don't argue with him.
Get through this hole so that we can go rescue Jones.
Right.
Right.
I'm coming, my brave lads.
I'm coming my brave lads, don't you worry! I'm coming! Jonesy's coming! Hurry up! Hurry up! I'm wet through! I'm just as wet as you are.
Go on, get on.
(LOUD TAPPING) (JONES SHOUTING) I'm coming.
Blimey! Oh! Oh! Where is everyone? Mr Mainwaring! Are you there? Mr Wilson, where are you? -Right.
Here we are, Jones.
-Jonesy's gone.
No, no he hasn't.
Look there! Help me get him down.
All right, come on, Jones.
Come on.
Ah, there you are boys! Oh, boys, there you are! I thought you was all drowned.
Oh, I am pleased to see you again.
All right, Jones.
All right, I'm getting out of here.
Who shut this door? It was rather draughty, you were all wet.
I didn't want you to catch cold.
There's no handle.
You've done it again, haven't you, Godfrey? What're we gonna do, Mr Mainwaring? What're we gonna do? It's quite simple.
Somebody's gotta go through that hole, through the other room, through the other hole and then over the top -to open that door from the other side.
-Right.
-Whoever does it is gonna get very wet.
-Obviously.
Right.
Sergeant Wilson? Take your trousers off.
Now why should I have to be the one to take my trousers off? (ALL ARGUING)