Drunk History (2013) s05e01 Episode Script

1 Deborah Sampson dressed as a man to fight in the Revolutionary War.
(Laughs) What the fuck? I'm talking to America! The Nazis didn't know that Rose is like the dopest spy.
She's like, I'ma I'ma tell er'body.
(Laughs) Wait, hold up, I'm toasted.
Clara Barton was like, Watch out everybody 'Cause the Union is coming Fucking a suck a dick (Laughs) (Patriotic music) (Vocalizing) All right, you gonna make me a drink? I like your bar.
Oh, wow.
- Prepared ice.
- (Stammers) - Thank you.
- "Prepared ice"? What's not "prepared ice"? Water.
There you go.
(Both laugh) Hello, I'm Paget Brewster, and today we will be discussing Deborah Sampson, the first woman to take a bullet for America.
Cheers.
Okay.
In Plympton, Massachusetts Deborah Sampson becomes an indentured servant to Jeremiah Thomas.
Lucky for her, Jeremiah was a fierce patriot and taught her how to do everything that other girls weren't being taught.
And so she grows up to be an incredible badass.
So she's thinking, What the fuck am I gonna be? I want adventure.
I want to serve my country.
So, I think I think I want yeah, I wanna fight in the Revolutionary War.
So, she sews a men's outfit.
She's like, I'm gonna make trousers or britches trouser britches and a waistcoat - and a - What's a waistcoat? Waistcoat, I think is a vest coat? Just a waste.
- What? - It's just a waste.
(Scoffs) You're - Hmm? - You're approaching dad humor, but you're not a dad.
How do you know? Oh! Do you have a "bebe"? (Laughs) Okay, so she sews everything up, cuts her hair off.
She also has to take gauze and strap her boobs down.
Was she like, Oh, my gauze? - What? - Was she like, Oh, my gauze? Oh, my gauze.
(Sighs deeply) Holy sh I'm just embracing my fatherhood.
- But, uh - (Laughs) So, Deborah Sampson looks at this young man and says, my name's Robert.
Robert Shirtliff.
And they accept her him into George Washington's Army.
Wow.
And she develops an incredible reputation.
All the other soldiers are saying, holy shit, this Robert Shirtliff, he's a fucking badass.
He's right out in front.
He's the fastest runner in the Army.
But at Terrytown, in the middle of the Revolutionary War, Robert Deborah, is fighting the British and out of the blue, blam-o! She gets shot in the thigh with a musket ball.
What the fuck? Deborah Sampson is historically the first woman to take a bullet for America.
The other soldiers are like, Dude, Bobby, Bobby Shirtliff, you okay? But she has to keep her identity safe.
So she's like (Groans) Yup, got this, got this.
I'm good.
You're cool.
I'm cool.
(Coughs) That voice is hard.
- Okay.
- (Laughs) Oh! This is where it gets crazy.
She slinks off to the woods like, fuck this.
I cannot go to the hospital.
I cannot let anyone find out that I'm a woman.
So, she takes out a penknife, jams it into her thigh, (groans) shit! Gotta dig out this musket ball.
Digs it out, she's like, well, shit, I can sew.
Sews it up and says, America I care about you so much.
Ugh, fuck, I'm gonna cry.
I don't wanna cry.
Let it out, you can cry.
What the fuck? I'm talking to America! (Laughs) Okay, unfortunately, Deborah gets fucking crazy fever sick.
Like (Mumbles) Can't bu bur bah! Passed out, fever, fucked up.
She's hospitalized.
The one thing she's been trying to avoid.
So, Dr.
Barnabas Binney is like, Okay, here's the soldier.
Kinda a badass soldier.
All right, I'll see what's wrong.
Takes off Robert Shirtliff's clothing.
What? There's like binding on the chest.
Maybe there's something wrong there here.
Cuts it open, boobs! And he goes ohh uh okay.
Uh, it's so crazy how it seems so easy when you're so ber to tell a story.
Mm-hmm.
Wait, where was I? Wait! I know! So, he takes care of her - for seven months.
- And she says, thank you for taking care of me.
If there's anything I can do to repay your kindness, please let me know.
And he says, actually, will you do me a favor and take a letter to my friend General John Paterson? So, she delivers the letter to John Paterson.
General says, thank you young lady.
He reads this letter and looks at her and says, Private Robert Shirtliff.
(Dramatic music) Are you a woman pretending to be a man to be a soldier? And she says, General, I-I I only lied because I wanted to serve my country.
Please don't send me to jail.
And he says, young lady, I think what you've done is better and braver and stronger than so many men and I'm gonna give you a dishonorable I'm gonna give you sorry.
I'm gonna give you an honorable discharge.
And then Paul Revere the fucking superstar of the American Revolution is like, I'm a big American hero, but I think you're the shit, babe.
(Uplifting music) It's incredible that more than 200 years ago, this woman wanted to make a difference, so she becomes this crossdressing, bullet-digging badass who fought her balls off L-O-L.
No pun intended.
Hm, who's the dad joke now? (Laughs) (Deep voice) Stay tuned.
(Soft voice) For more "Drunk History.
" (Sighing) That's my girl.
Back in the day when I used to date drug dealers and gang bangers, I make a dude color and if you stay in the lines, - you know what I'm saying? - That's (Laughs) You know, one of 'em hit me up from jail and he was like, you know, my most happiest memory of being free is when you invite me to your place and I thought I was gonna hit it, and I'm coloring in this book.
I had this coloring book.
(Both laughing) The whole messed up thing about it is, I never did get to hit it.
I was like, 'cause you was outside the lines, homie.
- (Laughs) - Outside the lines.
Hi.
Hello.
(Laughs) I'm Tiffany Haddish, and today we're gonna talk about Rose Valland.
(Slurps) She ready So, it's France, October 1940.
Rose Valland, the assistant curator with the Jeu de Paume Museum, she's like, you know what I know? Art.
Then all of a sudden there, boom.
Nazis everywhere.
They took over the museum like, this our spot! This where we 'gon be at! Ayy! (Laughs) She's like, oh, shoot, it's Germans everywhere.
And what they doing is, robbing the French Jews and now they storing all this stolen art up in there.
And you know why? You know why? - Hm.
- Do you know why? Let me tell you why.
Because Hitler was like a proclaimed artist and he tried to get into this school.
He was denied because he couldn't stay in the lines.
Uh-oh.
He told his boys, y'all go out there and y'all get all the artwork.
Now, if it's German art, it's good, but if it ain't German art, burn that shit up.
'Cause Hitler was mad 'cause he didn't to get in to the university.
'Cause you mad you didn't get to get in to school.
My pussy wet.
Don't worry about it.
(Laughs) But, Rose is like, the dopest spy.
They up there talking (Imitates German) They didn't know she spoke German.
She like this, hmm.
Taking notes.
Taking notes.
Taking notes.
Okay? So, uh different people that worked under Hitler would show up to the museum often.
Like his main man.
His name was Hermann Goring, right? Now, Hermann, you know, he so ratchet.
- (Laughs) - He like, gimme.
That's the best! Run me that! Run me that right there.
Ooh, that's nice.
Hey, hey, hey, give me something to drink.
Bring me some champagne up in here while I'm in here picking the best art.
And Rose would be like (In French accent) I don't know why these fuckers are here.
He's so lazy.
(Normal) Why you even wanna tell me where you stole it from? Do you know who I am? I'ma I'ma I'ma tell er'body.
She go get the wine and Hermann be like, Oh (Slurps) Magnifique! This is a Oh, no, wait, no.
He was German.
He be like (Slurps) (Imitates German) Delicious! - (Laughs) - Right? You know.
(Laughs) Wait, hold up.
I'm toasted.
I'm sorry.
How you feel? I feel fantastic.
(Laughs) Anyways, they would load these pieces of art up on the train.
The Nazis was putting a lot of stuff down in these deep, dark caves.
You hiding stuff in caves? You hiding freaking van Goghs in a coal mine? That's disrespectful.
And Rose would be like, I'ma memorize this.
I'm "memorinizing" all of it.
Sounding ghetto as hell.
(Both laughing) Did you know I was Jewish? I didn't until tonight.
'Cause my father's Jewish, but my mama's a Jehovah's Witness.
So I'm a JewJo.
(Both laugh) So, uh, it's December 1944, James Rorimer shows up trying to holla at Rose.
Rose, I know you know everything.
I need you to get me all the information that you have.
Where are all the treasures.
She's like, I don't know you like that.
Who is you? He's like, I'm James Rorimer.
I'm with the Monuments Men.
Now this was a collection of men and womens who went out to save the existence of their culture.
Rose, she was dope.
She was like, boom.
I got these addresses right here.
Check this out.
They would stop trains, they would go to salt mines, they was knocking knocking people out.
Some people died, some people lived, but the art was saved.
She saved like over 60,000 pieces of culture.
She's a heroine.
(Epic music) And then finally Rose is like, go to Hermann Goring's house.
Sent him over there, boom.
$200 million worth of treasures, culture, art.
She hooked that up, and Hermann Goring was pissed as hell at her.
Like, I can't believe she snitched on me! And when she was bringing me all these glasses of champagne.
And then Rose does the Nay Nay.
Eh! (Laughs) But he couldn't do nothing about it, 'cause now he a prisoner of war.
And Hitler killed himself they say.
I think he hanging out with Tupac.
(Hip-hop music) (Laughing) (Both laughing) (Laughs) You don't own me (Gasps) - What? - You know what? Every time you fucking sing a song, I realize we are the exact same person.
You try to act like you're some white dude, - but you're not.
- I'm not white.
You're some fucking black lady from fucking Omaha, Nebraska.
We are the same person.
(Laughs) Hey, everyone, my name is Amber Ruffin and I'm gonna talk to you today about the Angel of the Battlefield, Clara Barton.
(Laughs) Okay, our story begins during the Civil War.
It's got fucking fatalities, fucking people are (Gasps) - (Whispers) I'm cussing so bad.
- (Whispers) It's okay.
(Whispers) Okay.
So, the Union Army's surgeon, Dr.
James Dunn, was like, hey, dudes, this is some bullshit.
We are low on antiseptic, we are low on bandages.
We do not have the supplies to handle the amount of bloodshed.
(Laughs) Okay.
Meanwhile, a teacher, Clara Barton, is like, I will worry about the soldiers of the Union Army.
Hello, government, we need more medical supplies.
Can you help me help your fucking soldiers? And the government is like, Uh blahh No.
- (Laughs) - And she's like, you know what? Your bitch ass needs to fucking come correct.
They're like, we will not come fucking com come correct.
(Laughs) - (Liquid sloshes) - Oh, no! I spilled it! I'm sorry I'm yelling.
Oh, my gosh! I'm also sorry for being sorry 'cause who does that help? No one! (Screams) - (Laughs) - Okay, so, she asks The Ladies' Aid Society Send me medical supplies and I will bring them to the fuckin' front lines.
Meanwhile, in Sharpsburg, Maryland, fucking the Confederate General Robert E.
Lee was like, it is September 17th, 1862.
And that's when the Battle of Antietam began.
The Battle of Antietam! Ba-ba-boom! (Laughs) The Battle of Antietam was the bloodiest single-day battle in American history.
So, James Dunn is like, we are grossly underprepared.
And it's at that exact moment that in bursts Clara Barton with a train of wagons filled with supplies and she's like, Watch out, everybody, 'cause the Union is coming Fucking suck a dick (Laughs) You're welcome, everybody.
I brought yo ass everything you need.
Dr.
James Dunn is like, I need antiseptic.
She's like, I got that shit.
He's like, do you have bandages? She's like, yeah, bitch, I got bandages.
He's like, what we need is fucking normal shit like socks and food.
And she's like, you know what? Abracadabra, bitch.
And he's like, Oh, my God, you are the Angel of the Battlefield.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
She's like, stop thanking me, I have work to do.
She starts working on wounded soldiers with no experience whatsoever.
And at that moment, a bullet pierces her sleeve and she's like, do you see this shit, dude? And the guy is like, I don't see that shit 'cause I'm dead.
'Cause the bullet that pierced her sleeve, killed the very guy she was saving.
So she's like, this sucks, but I am going to move on to the next thing.
And move on to the next thing she does! (Laughs) And at the end of the day, uh, Dr.
James Dunn is sitting by himself in a dark barn.
Clara Barton is like, Dr.
Dunn, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, I am depressed.
Night has fallen, I can't see shit.
Hundreds of soldiers will die.
Clara Barton is like, Bitch, don't you know? She grabs him by the hand, she takes him to another barn (Uplifting music) And this barn is lit with lanterns.
She's like, you think I fucking brought yo ass socks, but I didn't bring you lanterns to fucking light your surgeries? The fuck is wrong with you? And he's like, I love you so much.
You are truly the Angel of the Battlefield.
Clara Barton is like, you done called me that already.
Fucking come up with some new shit.
(Belches) She doesn't burp.
But I wish she did so that I could also burp.
She's like, Amber, if you feel like burping, you can burp.
And I'm like, I'm drunker than you think.
And she's like, you are very drunk.
And I'm like, I am.
(Both laugh) (Whispers) Derek, I'm so drunk.
(Whispers) You're all good.
I need you to say it's okay.
It's okay.
Okay, so it's the end of the war, and everyone is like, Clara Barton, you rule, and someone special wants to meet with you President Abraham Lincoln! (Laughs) And President Lincoln is like, Clara Barton, you did such a good job at the Battle of Antietam, you need to be the head of the oc office offices the occif the office.
Lincoln is drunk, but what he means is Clara Barton, you need to be the head of the office of missing soldiers.
She's like, I will.
I super will.
And so she finds over 22,000 soldiers.
President Lincoln is like, bitch is on fire.
And then, they kiss.
Just kidding, they never kissed.
- (Laughs) - Um and then 1878, Clara Barton started the American chapter of the Red Cross.
Clara Barton is like, I am the founder of the American Red Cross.
Plus, I'm the angel of the battlefield.
I fucking changed America itself.
I win.
And everyone is like, you do win.
(Rousing music) The end.
(Sighs) (Laughs) That was great.
(Clicks tongue) Fucking thanks, Clara.
Do you want some water real quick? No.
Water's for pussies.
(Laughs) I just want to say to America, thank you very much for watching "Drunk History" and taking it as serious as I do.
(Laughs) - (Laughs) - What?