Everybody Loves Raymond s05e01 Episode Script

Why, huh? Why would you take Joanne's card? What? I could take her card.
You never know when I'm gonna need some "dental insurance.
" You know, there's a reason she's your ex-wife.
All right already.
Hey, Deb.
You know, I know it's none of my business, but I cannot believe you took that card.
Ugh! Why do we even weren't you trying to make it work with Amy? I thought that you were happy with Amy and unhappy with Joanne "the Nutcracker.
" But you know what? You and Ray do what you want.
Me? All right, listen up.
Your mother wants to I don't know.
I said announce me, Frank.
What kind of announcing is that? Just do it.
Everything has to be a big deal.
You have to ruin everything? Ls that why you're here? - Why don't you jump up a cow's - Hey hey! What? We're going to Italy.
Yeah.
Forever? We are all going to Italy.
- What? - For two weeks.
How? You see, it is a big deal.
As you know, my birthday is coming up, and I have secretly been putting aside money for 45 years, and this is what I want.
I want half that money.
I want all that money.
That money's mine! Quiet.
So I've been in touch with my mother's cousin Colletta, who lives in a little village outside of Rome, and we're invited, and I'm paying the whole family.
Me too? Of course you, dear.
You're family! Me too? Yes yes, and the kids too everyone.
Maybe I can tell my lady troubles to the Pope.
It's a little, tiny village Oh my God.
Oh my God! Yeah, listen listen, stop dancing, stop.
Stop.
You understand that this is a vacation with my family, okay? Don't we want a vacation from my family? If they're gonna bother me anyway, I'll take bothered in Italy.
But we were gonna go to the Jersey shore.
Italy.
Free trip to Italy.
I don't know.
I'm not really interested in other cultures.
Okay, you know, in the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of just like a few things that I've wanted to do the book club, theater, having conversations.
But I just wanna say this one thing, and we won't have to discuss it anymore: You're not blowing this for me, pal! We're going to Italy! I'm so happy.
Oh look.
Look at that.
I can't believe that we're here.
Do you know it's been 60 years since we've seen each other? I remember you were a very needy baby.
Do you remember my Dario? Dead.
Gone over 40 years.
He looks like Burt Lancaster, no? Dario.
Like Burt Lancaster.
Who's that? That's my second husband, Giorgio.
Hi, nice to meet you.
I don't know what he looks like.
He's good with wood.
Come, you are hungry.
We actually had a lot to eat on the plane.
You'll eat now.
- All right.
- Come on, kids.
Lsn't this good? Look at this.
Oh my God, this is amazing! Ray, taste this.
No, I can't taste anything.
I got a cold from that damn air conditioner on the van.
Freezing in there.
You'll eat now.
Jeez oh Lou! - You made this? - Of course.
I married the wrong broad.
You have a lovely home.
Come, come.
I'll show you the rest.
This will be for Debra and Raymond and the children.
Oh oh, this is wonderful.
Oh, I love this.
This is it? - What, Ray? - Nothing.
Had more room in coach.
- My God, look at this, look at this.
- What? Oh my God.
I'm gonna cry.
Can you believe this? It's nice, the water, yeah.
That room's kinda small, though, don't you think? I mean, we're gonna be jammed in there with the kids for two weeks.
Did you look at the place, really? It's all kind of old.
It's just this is not the ideal vacation for a guy who works like a dog this whole year.
It's chilly now.
I'm going in.
My nose is running here.
Thank you, Giorgio.
This is great.
I speak English little.
Oh, yeah? Hey, beautiful.
I'm glad you're here.
Ls better.
Not so much What? Oh, I get it, yeah Si Giorgio, what are you doing? You're spilling on the table.
You're a pig.
Yes, my sweet.
Sorry.
All right, everyone, now we don't have time to dawdle.
Oh, we've gotta start sightseeing.
We're going to stick to my itinerary.
Get up, Frank.
Come on, everyone.
We're gonna have fun, fun with Grandma.
Come on, come on.
Whoo, here we go.
She did pay for the trip.
And now we pay.
Who wants the best ice cream in the world? Cheap foreign napkins.
Hey.
Come on, what are you all mopey about? I don't know.
I can't enjoy myself because of my dilemma.
- It's not a dilemma.
- It is a dilemma, Raymond.
You're not the only one with dilemmas.
I got Amy, but I keep thinking about Joanne.
I can't sort out my feelings.
And I'm in the most gorgeous place in the world, and I'm sitting here next to you.
Robby, here's your peach.
Raymond, you sure you don't want anything? No, I can't taste anything, Ma.
Don't be sick here.
You know, I called Joanne today.
What what, from here? What's wrong with you? I hung up when she answered.
I couldn't talk to her.
Cost me 20 bucks.
I'm a loser.
It's just that I wanna Holy Mother of God.
What? This.
This this is it's as if I've never tasted a peach before.
Mmm It's as if you've never been in public before.
Would you stop it? Buon giorno.
Giorno.
You like something to drink? Si.
Limonata? Si.
Excuse, please.
What? What the hell are you doing? Ray, it's that thing.
It's that thing, you know what Dad always talks about, the thunderbolt.
- Who, the gelato girl? - Don't call her that.
What are you talking about? That's what she is.
I don't know her long-term goals.
- Excuse, please.
- Oh my Lord.
Grazie.
Okay, I'm gonna go blow my nose in the tablecloth.
So speak English? A little.
So you're in gelato.
Yes, for now.
Stefania! I think your boss wants you back.
- I better go.
- Wait.
- Stefania! - All right, pal, Jeez.
Gotta learn how to chill out a little.
What's with this guy? He is my father.
Oh, that's nice.
He's a hard worker.
I will see you again? See me again? Oh oh, yes.
Stefania! - Ciao.
- Ciao.
Hey, sexy! - What do you want? - Hey, listen, Rome today.
Can you believe it? It's only half an hour away.
- And Colletta's gonna watch the kids.
- Great.
I hate this damn thing.
The spray has no pressure.
It's like a third-world country.
Stupid place.
Would you lighten up? Look where we are.
I am looking.
I'm taking a bath like Columbus.
- How about that Giorgio guy? - What? I saw him drinking my Listerine, that's what.
Whole place is annoying.
You gotta change money.
That's a scam.
Nobody sees that? How could they not see that? Tell you what, say what you want about New Jersey Hey hey! Are you crazy? I'm taking a shower! Oh my God! Oh, God.
No! - I would do what she says, Ray.
- No! Would everybody leave, please? Hey, you want me to get the video camera? No, would you stop hitting me, all right? You can't do this to me.
I'm an American.
This wasn't in the brochure.
Aw, look how cute.
Okay.
We're all getting in that? Good luck, sweetie.
I don't think I'm gonna fit in there, either.
You can sit on top and push with your arms.
- Oh, hello there.
- Hello.
- Where do you go? - I was, you know, gonna go to Rome.
Look around, "Rome" around.
Come with me.
I can show you.
Okay.
Not you.
Get back.
Get back! I show you Roma and Il Lago di Bracciano, where I grow up, okay? Yes, very nice.
Hurry up before my father sees.
Robert, I don't understand.
What is this? This is luck.
Toots, over here.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
Look at this.
Robert gets the gelato girl, and I get hosed down by Mrs.
Mussolini.
This is something! Look at the fountain.
Oh, Raymond, I can't believe we're here.
These are the Spanish Steps.
Spanish? I knew we were walking too long.
La Isla del Corda, - according to my book - Okay, sorry I asked.
- Okay, come on, we're going up.
- Do we have to, really? Ray, this is the Spanish Steps.
Where's the Spanish Elevator? - I'll go with you.
- Thank you, Marie.
Only you would think of these as stairs.
What are they then? Hey, let me carry that stuff for you, cara mia.
Thank you, Frank.
One, two, three, four.
Walk walk walk, four five six, seven Excuse me.
I said, "bellissima" very beautiful.
- Nice hair.
- Oh, thank you.
All right, let's go.
- Ciao, beautiful girl.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Don't say "bye" to them.
- Why not? They were very nice.
Very nice.
You talked to them.
Now they're gonna follow you home.
- Would you stop it? - No, you stop.
You like that.
Hey Hey, now listen, you've gotta watch yourself, okay? They got one thing on their mind.
That's how Italian men are.
Not all of them.
Hey, what? What's that supposed to mean? You got nothing better to do but ogle women? Start working on a stand-up shower.
Anyway, so the kids wanna sleep with Grandma and Debra, so I'm gonna sleep here with you, okay? No problem.
Just don't hog the covers and it'll be an upgrade for me.
You getting undressed or what? I'll make a deal with you.
I'll take something off, you put something on.
Good night there, son.
Yeah, all right.
Good night.
It's a beautiful place, huh? Oh, yeah yeah, good night.
I'll tell ya, when your mother told me she'd been hiding that money from me, I was thinking what dress to lay her out in.
And now I'm here in friggin' Italy.
It's like a dream.
I'm from Lynbrook.
I worked my whole life.
I never thought I'd be in such a place.
I was just wondering, could your leg be in another place? I happen to be serious.
All right, okay.
No, I know I I complain about stuff and all that, but I'm a lucky man.
I'm a very lucky man.
I'm not holding him.
"There were gladiators and reenacted sea battles here until the 5th century.
" So should we go see the Forum now? Oh, you know, actually, I could use a little break, Marie.
- But it's right over there.
- I know, and I wanna really go see it, but But if we don't stick to my schedule, we won't see it.
And we did stop for your other thing before.
My other thing before? You mean the bathroom? First of all, you're timing me now? And second of all, I do not take 40 minutes.
Yes, dear, but when you go, everyone else has to go.
You know, Marie, it's just that I need a little time to myself.
That's all.
I mean, we have been doing everything you've wanted to do, right? Are you saying you feel obligated because I'm paying for this trip? - 'Cause that's not what I want.
- No, of course not.
- And I am really grateful.
- Really? - Ray.
- No comment.
Ray, say something.
I said something.
No comment.
- Ray.
- What, want me to say something? I'll say something.
This is what you get.
'Cause I told you it was gonna get like this, but you ever listen to me, huh? No no no, I'm just dumb Ray who likes New Jersey.
I wish I was in New Jersey right now, 'cause I saw this coming, all right? I just didn't think it would take so long or I would get sick from hot and then cold and then hot and then cold or get a Mama Leone handwash or have to sleep with my father.
Why don't you stuff it, Ray? Your parents are fine compared to you.
Me, what the hell did I do? At least they're trying to have a good time.
You've been nothing but a grumpy pain in the ass the whole trip.
Don't fight here.
It's the Coliseum.
I'm a pain in the ass? I'm a pain in the ass? Fine, I will not be a pain in anyone's ass anymore! And I'm not sleeping with you anymore! What are you looking at? Mm-mm-mm! Thanks for all the gelato, Stefania.
All the gelato you want.
You have a great life.
I'm glad you like.
I like everything.
I fully intend to pay for this.
Hey, what's your problem? Nothing nothing, I'm just ready to go home, that's all.
Oh.
You got more Listerine? I told you to wear a hat.
Why can't you listen to me? - All right, enough, I'm fine! - You're fine? You look like the top of a police car.
- Put some cream on that.
- No! Frank, you put some cream on that head right now.
You're gonna be in pain later.
I've been in pain since the wedding! He refuses to accept the fact that he has no hair.
What? What's the matter, dear? Oh, I know what it is.
It's Debra.
- Ma, please.
- You know what you and I need? A nice long walk.
That would be so wonderful, wouldn't it? Hey, Ma, do you know if we have any mob connections here in town? Because I might need a little help.
What's the matter? You look so terrible.
Tuck in your shirt.
No no, I'm fine, Ma.
It's just that Stefania's father wasn't too thrilled - to find me with his daughter.
- What? Now he's having a vacation.
This is wild.
I went out the window when Pops went to get a shovel.
Congratulations.
Stefania Fogagnolo.
Thanks there, Giorgio.
Signore Fogagnolo, he will kill you.
You'd better stay away from that girl, Robby.
Yeah, right.
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
Hey, Ray, you wanna go get a gelato? - I'm not going there with that father.
- Come on.
Get out of here.
He'll use me to beat you to death.
Come on, look, hey, maybe he'll chase us with the shovel, huh? Come on Get off me, you nut.
I'm not going there.
Hey hey hey, you gotta wake up here, little bro.
Look where you are, man.
You're missing it! I've never seen him like this, so happy.
I don't like it.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.
Hey, what did you do? Feed the ducks or something? You wanna feed 'em with us tomorrow? Yeah, maybe, we'll see.
Yeah yeah, Daddy's very busy, you guys.
He really doesn't have time for fun this trip.
He has a lot of moping to do, which is quite time consuming.
- Gimme a break, please.
- Why don't you give me a break? I thought that this could be a time for all of us to be together.
Listen, I can't do this right now 'cause I just promised my mother I would take a walk.
That's true, dear.
Have a nice time.
I'm so glad we could do this, Raymond.
You really seem to need it.
- Need what? - This.
Just the two of us walking and talking.
You know, we never get a chance to talk.
- We don't? - No, not like this.
We rarely get a chance to just talk no interruptions, distractions, Deb Anyway, first of all, I'm feeling a little bit upset about something.
That water is kinda nice, huh? It's beautiful.
I'm feeling that everyone else seems to think that they have the right to do just exactly what they want on this trip.
- And they don't? - Well, they do.
Of course they do.
But they could at least consult with me first.
I know.
No, he's your father.
Between you and me, I can't take it anymore.
He seemed to be having a good time.
What, this morning? That's finished.
I had the nerve to tell him to wear a hat.
Of course, everything has to be his way.
I begged him 50 times, "Please, please, get someone to fix the garage door.
" You know what he says? "I can do it myself.
" And of course, you know what happens.
He doesn't do it.
It's been three months.
Anybody could get into that garage if they wanted.
Please.
What are you stopping for? Nothing, no, I just never seen 'em like this before.
Pretty.
You see the way they're wrapped? You look at these? I've seen flowers.
My point is I can't talk to him.
Ooh, there's a butcher shop.
I gotta run in there and get some meat for the barbecue later.
- You wanna come in with me? - No no, go ahead.
- It's okay.
- I'll be right back and don't forget - what we were talking about.
- Okay.
Here, guys.
Want it with the foot, okay.
Oh, what, I'm in it? There, there you go.
Wanna play a little game, huh? I'll pass it.
There you go.
You guys are good at this.
I don't play this, yeah.
Alessandro! - Grazie, arrivederci, ciao.
- Okay.
- Ciao.
- Hey, ciao.
Yeah.
- Hey pizza.
- Yes, pizza.
Okay, gimme one.
Can I get one? - Yeah.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Wow.
- It's okay? Yeah yeah, I had a cold, but it's gone now.
This is awesome.
- Hmm? - Awesome.
Awesome, you know "awesome"? - Magnifico.
- Grazie.
Prego.
This is like the best pizza I ever had, man.
- You like more? - Hell, yes, I want more.
- You made this? - I make, yes.
So you're like a genius then.
- Mmm! - All done.
I've got some chops for later.
What - you're having pizza now? - Yeah, uh-huh.
Will you be able to eat your lunch? - Yeah, sure.
You want a bite? - No no no.
- Good.
- Come on, come on.
Let's go up this way.
I forgot what I was saying.
How you can't talk to anyone but me.
Oh, yes, right.
Because I mean nobody values communicating anymore.
To me, that's the most important thing.
- Don't you agree with me? - Mm-hmm, absolutely.
Oh, Raymond, this is so nice.
Did I tell you the other thing your father did? No, go ahead.
Well, I had forbid him to use my cutting board.
- Hello, dear.
- Hey, Marie.
Have you seen Raymond? Where is he? Don't know and don't care.
He's been a drip this entire vacation.
I've decided I'm not gonna let him ruin it for me.
I had a lovely walk with him this morning.
It's so nice that you two have each other.
Stupid, stinkin' hump.
Stupid, stinckin' hump.
I got a million of 'em.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Signore Fogagnolo.
Come va? Don't see my daughter no more.
Oh.
You know, sir, if I may, here let's let's sit down.
Please please, come here.
Can we sit down? Per favore.
Let's sit.
Grazie.
Mille grazie.
Signore Fogagnolo I'm going to speak Italian.
I understand how you feel.
A daughter such as yours is a precious thing.
But I want you to know that I am an honorable person.
And that I come from an honorable family.
Ah, your mother's ass! Let me explain.
I think your Stefania is wonderful.
I am quite fond of her.
She is very special.
I don't like you.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Ciao.
Hello, everybody.
Beautiful day, huh? Oh, look what I have.
Signora bellissima.
For you.
You can have those.
Here.
You can have one of those.
Beautiful.
See how they wrap 'em? Mom and Aunt Colletta.
- For you.
- What are you doing? Oh, you look good.
Come here, I want to talk to you.
Come here, come here, come here, come here.
Listen Um, I know you wanted to talk to me before, - and I know what you were gonna say.
- No, you don't.
Well, whatever you were gonna say, you were right.
I was wrong and you were right, and I'm not just saying that so we don't have to talk about it anymore, like at home.
Just there's something about this place.
Do you get that? There's like a feeling here.
I don't know how to describe it, but it's more simple.
The way the whole place shuts down in the middle of the day, so the people can just, you know, enjoy the day.
It's like they know how to live here.
Don't you think? Don't you think it's kind of beautiful here? - Yes.
- Okay.
So we agree and the history.
I was thinking, thousands of years here.
We got no history at home.
Everything was built last week.
Where have you been? I had a bike ride.
No, not today.
I mean this whole trip.
Okay, so what do you want me to say? Your hair does look nice, though.
So now you're being romantic.
Look, I don't know what I'm being, but we got a couple of days left.
You wanna enjoy it or you wanna mope around? Okay, I think that's everything.
Oh, God.
Would you look at this? - What are you rebelling against? - What do you got? - Yeah.
You see? They rode one.
- Yeah.
That was fun.
Yeah, I gotta get one of these.
All right, fun's over here.
Time to go home.
Thanks for everything there, Giorgio.
My tires are shot.
Arrivederci, Colletta.
Marie.
Thank you so much.
Am I still a baby? Yes.
Bye-bye.
Listen, anytime you want to come to America and give me a shower, it's fine with me.
Giorgio, I'll see you, okay? Bravo bravo.
What's wrong? No, nothing.
It's it's just I was just starting to understand it here and it's over already.
That's what my Dario said.
And then he died.
Live your life! Si si.
Hey, where's Robert? Oh, Roberto.
Oh boy, Stefania.
Must you be leaving so soon? Yes yes, I must.
- I will miss you.
- Me too.
Maybe you can come and visit me in America sometime.
Bring your father along for laughs.
Here, for you.
Oh, you don't have to pay me.
You throw a coin in the water.
It means someday you return to II Lago di Bracciano.
You like that? Would I like that? My credit cards, travelers' checks.
Roberto.
Okay, all right, everybody, I'm sorry.
Mille grazie.
Mille grazie, eh? - Okay, ciao, thank you.
- Ciao ciao ciao.
Hey, did you say goodbye to "Gelato" Lollobrigida? - All right, Dad.
- Grazie.
We love you! See you soon! Come to America! Grazie.
Grazie.
Sir, could you please keep it down? Some of the other passengers are starting to complain.
Oh oh, sorry.